Did your BPD flirt with members of the opposite sex with you right there?

[Depression = 72% of members]

In answer to the original question - yes, he did.  And I was right there.

Of course, his explanation was that it wasn't flirting.  He was wearing his wedding ring so the women he was talking with were aware that he was married and therefore he was just "talking" to them.  (Yeah, like married men don't flirt and have affairs... .)

[Im done]

In answer to the original question - yes, he did.  And I was right there.

Of course, his explanation was that it wasn't flirting.  He was wearing his wedding ring so the women he was talking with were aware that he was married and therefore he was just "talking" to them.  (Yeah, like married men don't flirt and have affairs... .)

[C12P21]

The hardest thing to get my head around was the way my stbxBPDh acted whenever we went out in public.  He would basically act like I wasn't there while he stared, played the 'eye catch game', flirted with and even sometimes followed women - all with me right there. He would always deny it and have "no idea what I was talking about".  Is that possible or just an excuse. (I tend to think excuse).  I had to wonder, if he did it with me there, what was he doing when I wasn't?

All the time, never stopped.

I found out later he had numerous porn and single sights he belonged too.

C

[Hyacinth]

I know what you mean, VE - I always said if we never had to leave the house, things would have been great.  But who can live in a bubble?  I traveled this weekend to a graduation and was at the airport.  It was so nice to just be me alone and not have to constantly watch him watch for someone to stare at and flirt with.  Before, I just read a good book, while his head bounced around like a bobble head!   It isn't so bad being alone... .

[C12P21]

My ex flirted all the time with other while I was there.  It makes you feel incredibly invisible.  Not sure if it was a concious action, but it happened a lot and when I would voice my displeasure she would only twist it around.

I believe there's definitely, at the very least, a subconcious motive on their end, which I'd venture to say is to make you jealous so that you'd cling/throw yourself at them more.  Over time, it breaks down your self-esteem because you're afraid if you aren't good enough you'll lose them, so it makes you work that much harder.

I suffered like you, but it does get better.  Believe me, it does.  You are worth more than this guy made you feel, in fact, your ex knows your value is priceless hence why he had to try and break you down due to his insecurities

Thanks for posting this-it helps me to put it in perspective.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Yes, she didn't do normal conversation with strangers.

All she could do was flirt.

[ve01603]

I know what you mean, VE - I always said if we never had to leave the house, things would have been great.  But who can live in a bubble?  I traveled this weekend to a graduation and was at the airport.  It was so nice to just be me alone and not have to constantly watch him watch for someone to stare at and flirt with.  Before, I just read a good book, while his head bounced around like a bobble head!   It isn't so bad being alone... .

I hate being alone but it is better than being like we were.  I was watching mine do the same thing.  Then they try to make you think that you are jealous and imagining it.

[BoreasXIV]

Thank you guys all for sharing. I thought it was just me, but now I see it's not. I completely relate to the feeling.

I don't understand how they can't see how invisible and cheap we feel when they do that to us. Then when we approached them about how it makes us feel, that it hurts us, they get defensive and act like they are the victim of our abuse.

[lifeafter18years]

Yes he was so blunt in staring women up and down that I told him not to walk with me because I was so ashamed of him looking like a pervert.  He would not get it and say I was being ridiculous and that ALL men stare.  I told him he was just not staring, but undressing them and looked like he was imagining them with him... . Thanks to his porn addicition.  BUT NOO, I was the PRUDE that changed over time and would not go with ideas.  I told him I RESPECTED myself even if he did not after so many years and I was not going to let HIM much less anyone else tell me what I SHOULD be doing to not be a PRUDE.  After was has transpired with him, I am glad I never put myself down to please him.  I have that atleast to take with me after these 18 years.  He would have my special needs daughter in shopping cart and be doing this or flirting in front of me saying he was just being friendly.  Imagine what he did behind me back, well he cheated and has her now.  So I will never ignore my feelings... . they were true.

[corraline]

My ex flirted with women in front of me.  He even flirted with my son's teacher at a parent teacher interview.  He  flirted with his good buddies new partner went we went out for the first time as couples. He humiliated me in front of them saying i was involved in a cult because i put my children through an alternate private school . I wanted to get up and leave. I was so hurt.  He loved attention regardless.  He usually had to be the smart guy , the funny guy, the guru guy.  It could be embarrassing at times.  Other times he seemed to be his peaceful self.  It was strange.  All the while giving me the impression that he was working on that... . trying to be an ordinary guy he said... . he claims that was hard for him.

[blissful_camper]

No, but he did behind my back, and eagerly let me know that other women wanted him. 

Blissful "healthy people don't play those games" Camper

[froggy]

mine did it from the beginning and it only got worse after we were married.

He would come home when we first got married and would tell me all about the sripper he saw after work and then let me know what he liked better on her than me.

He knew I had self esteem issues and played on them. I wasn't a jealous person when we met but he sure made me one for awhile.

ive had him practically trip over me to go talk to ex girlfriends or other women... . had him stand in front of me to speak to the redhead who got away ... it was bad enough foe his brother who was with us turned to me and said WOW... thats not rude at all! (34 years  later he still talks about her) and I'm sure he would still do it if he were to run into her again.

After awhile I just hoped he would run off

one thing different. .he has never been jealous. ... pretty sure its because he doesn't think that any one else would want me.

[bewildered2]

yes, happened to me too. many times. why did i put up with it?

they do it to hurt you (nice) and to boost their own low self esteem.

classic borderline behaviour.

b2

[whirlpoollife]

Always, even when we were first married. Then , also with me by his side, he would boast to any man near , about the hot babe he just saw.

[pari]

Yes, always!

He would want me to dress up for a party and then forget that I was there. While we were dating, he wanted to go on date with other girls (and I allowed that, love is blind ). I would also mention that he wanted me to flirt with other men in parties. It was a turn on for him.

I later realized it was a game for him, to make me jealous and to get jealous. He wanted that extra third factor to spice up the life. We had a very passionate r/s and we both were so into each other during the r/s but I never understood the reason for 'flirting with other girls in party'. Much later, I realized it's all for attention. He loved being center of 'Attention'. During most of day, he was center of my attention but in parties, he would need that extra punch from others.

[Ihope2]

No, I can't say that he did this with me present. But then again, we hardly socialised or went out together.  And when we did go out it was mainly to the movies or to do shopping. We hardly lingered around over dinner at restaurants, etc, as he had social phobia and anxiety, panic and hypervigilance and supposedly hated being amongst lots of other people.

However... . over weekends, when I was at home and not working, he would take my car and disappear off to the shopping mall for hours at a time.  Without me.

[LoveLove]

Interesting posts to this question.

With mine, he was very friendly with everyone. And I just viewed it as him being social. Yet, one day he asked: "what if an attractive person comes and talks/flirts with me?"

I replied by telling him that I can't control what others (women) do. But because I trust him and I know he has respect for me, then I don't have to worry that he'll act upon the woman flirting with him.

I'm not sure what he was thinking (I had no idea that he could have BPD at that time). But it does seem like it's a way to control. They want us to hold on to them in any manner... . yet, I've said this in other posts - it's interesting because it is THEY who abandon us first out of their fear of being abandoned. Yet, because I don't feel insecure, it wouldn't bother me... . and I'm not sure he liked my reply.

But if he cheated... . different story.

[LoveLove]

And I have to add - my bf even told me that he needed the extra attention from whomever. I asked why my attention wasn't enough... . but he couldn't reply to that. He talked to everyone, would talk loud, anything to get attention. Very odd - but I didn't think too much of it because I just found it to be a part of his social personality... . when in fact there was something deeper ... . anyone else experience this with their SO?

[Sgt Biggs]

My ex did this, one of my first big red flags about a 6 weeks into the 3 month rs.

It was the first time we went out with a group of my friends to a concert.

Initially she was dancing with my friends no big deal but she was laying her hands on them which I was uncomfortable with.

Then I witnessed the most lustful exchange I think I've ever seen between her and a guy at the bar, right beside me, I couldn't believe what I had just saw and walked off. About 10 mins later some other dude comes up and asks me if she was with me... . um yes. I've never had that happen before, I guess he must have got some signal of availability.

Anyway, a few days later we're talking about the future etc. and I mentioned that I had concerns about trusting her because of what I'd seen that night. She runs off and locks herself in the bathroom crying, naturally I follow and urge he to come out, feeling like an ass for upsetting her and wondering if I was in fact being over jealous. She appears a few minutes later totally composed, no sign whatsoever that she had actually been crying, I'm thinking, wow, was that all an act?

Minutes later she's gazing lovingly into my eyes telling that she doesn't know what I thought I saw but that she was so proud to be by my side that night. Of course she would never cheat, never has, she loves me soo much and could see us growing old together blah blah blah... .

So very confusing, she never had me totally convinced it was all in my my mind but I sure did doubt myself and my own intuition. She was an absolute master at creating these doubts and spinning it around.   

[chai8]

It is so eye-opening reading everyone's comments. I didn't realize how common some of these experiences were.
In my case we had amazing passion and love together.
However from the first week I noticed this seeking to make eye-contact w other women in public. It was never looking them up and down, not ever. Just eye contact as though to say "do you see me, do you like me, am I worth looking at?" i.e. for validation. And smiling and nodding at them. Not to children, men, or seniors, just to young women, usually pretty women, usually blonde but not always..always younger than me.
He also had adhd so i thought it was coupled with distraction--like when someone doesn't know they are looking at their phone reflexively. If we were at a restaurant he would sometimes look over at another women 10 or 20 times..it was almost like a tick. I tried to draw his attention to this by saying "do you know her?".but he wouldn't get it. If I did this to him (twice I was distracted by something) he got so offended and felt rejected..yet he did it far worse.
If other pretty girls were at a table nearby he would become very animated making jokes and gestures like a young child looking for attention in class...not really any longer in the conversation with me..seeking attention from them.
With waitresses he went hard, getting their names, learning all about them, being playful, caring, seeking care with woe is me stories, basically seeking empathy and validation, hugs, high fives, special treatment.
I would come to the restaurant and the girls would act like I was invisible, they were gushing over him and all the attention he was giving him--they wrote him cards etc. He would not take my calls if in their presence..it got pretty out of control.
Same thing with a female co-worker when he was out of town--nothing sexual but really focused on impressing her, accepting rides from her, drinks from her, confiding in her, telling me how great she was..yikes!
He would even do the eye contact thing with women who were with men--it was so awkward I worried sometimes the other men would get angry. It was literally like a tick--like he totally was not aware of it..
One time traveling he was a bit drunk and completely turned his chair away from me, to face the table of girls trying to impress them with jokes. Like a young child being carried away in the moment of excitement and buzz.
another time we were tossing a football between each other. There was a young flirty blonde near by, and as though getting bored from football, he dropped the ball and went to stand near her to chat. Like completely unaware--I just stood there. Like a puppy dog following a treat.
I always felt it was very much an adhd trait mixed with validation seeking--when out of their presence they didn't seem to be on his mind, it was an in the moment thing.
Places that were boring like airport line ups or buses were very bad. Sometimes I felt the girl was also so rude to do that in front of me.
ONe time at my family event doing this with a girl who was sort of bad news flirty into him--it was embarassing for me. He hugged her in front of all my family at the end of the night--I barely know her I have never hugged her, my family was like what? he got mentionistis later "she seems really nice blah blah"..oh yeah he would get mention itis about these other girls in general. ouch
And not correcting girls who would think I was his friend--just generally trying hard to impress girls and be liked, not for sex, but like a child needing attention from a parent.
I was on crutches once and he was helping me and some young girls said "oh so nice you are helping your friend" that kind of thing--just soaking it up rather than saying "that's my partner"
And like some others, yes too, seemed to not mind gay attention in the same way--not sexual but wanted the attention anyway...accepting closeness with gay men in situations that other straight men probably would not.
I did feel so invisible. It was so humiliating. I am quite an attractive beautiful woman. I perceive he has no idea that he is doing this, that it is hurtful, that he has value and that other people start crushing on him, and that it is so evident.
He would rage at me in paranoid jealousy for things that did not occur on my end--I was beyond loyal and devoted with my energy--but he was actually the one spreading his care and emotional attention, looking for a buzz of excitement and validation in others.
It just hurt so much when these waitresses would come up (or random girls from town ) all lovey like they were best friends and knew everything about each other. They acted like I was wallpaper or his aunt or something.
These girls really felt special to him I suspect. ouch
It was a serious pattern. Seeking care from women, even crying over exagerrated woes, just desperate for female care..almost like a teen in highschool...wanting to be popular and liked.
I am grateful that I have dated men who were not like this at all...so that is what I need to remember. My ex had good boundaries around sex---but there were times that I felt like I was there just for sex and he was having an emotional relx with someone else, cuz I was feeling neglected, while the other girl was getting his time and attention, bonding w him...like girlfriend behaviour minus sex. Just terrible boundaries around intimate conversations and attention giving and receiving. It stems from low self esteem. And no, telling someone you have a girlfriend does not make it ok. Talking about personal things, and following up, and seeking excitement and intimacy and care is emotional relx.
i was sort of like that when I was young cuz i didn't know my worth, I didn't realize people craved attention and that they would fall for me, and thinking was fabulous didn't help them any. I stopped trying to make people think i was fabulous and stopped trying to be cool. A prior bf actually called me out on it..and I immediately stopped and focused on him. I was totally unaware; now I am way more guarded w my energy--I pour the affection and attention into my mate but am more sort of professional with others, less "too friendly". It was low self-esteem. With bpd I think it runs deeper plus there is the impulsivity piece, and some object constancy issues, like forgetting everyone else in the moment..in his case it could have been ADHD too.
Like others said, it did suck feeling you had to scan the environment for these kinds of threats--like I disliked going to some events, and did notice I was way happier with him at home, then out in public. At home it was a joy..in public it hurt. It hurt knowing that if he was looking away I knew it was never going to be a dog or a child or a pretty flower or a senior or a piece of art or a man, it was only ever going to be a young girl. I hated turning to see what he was looking at but it was always that.
And yes, as an attractive women I have noticed there are men who will look at me when they are with their mate, and men who don't. When near couples I always make eye contact with the woman only and smile at her, and any men looking at me I look away or get away somehow and feel badly for her. I never entertain it. I never ever make eye contact with other men who are with women.
yikes really hurts. makes us feel unattractive when that is so far from the truth. not nice.

[OKrunch]

Last summer, at MY friends camp weekend, she couldn't stay away from my best friend. Just kept finding reasons to stand near him, touch his arm, etc. She brough him coffee's the first week she kicked me out (i was staying at his place)
he even commented on it recently saying how it changed his advice from "How can I help my friend fix his relationship" to "My friend needs to GTFO away from this woman"

Triangulation is a thing, and they seem to get desperate for the attention it provides.
I also believe this was part of what helped build her narrative to breakup.
"you dont trust me" etc.
They fabricate drama, to then gaslight said drama, all in support of the relationship nuke only they know is already careening towards the ground with explosive intent.

[tina7868]

Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience, chai8. There are many relatable aspects in what you wrote.

And yes, as an attractive women I have noticed there are men who will look at me when they are with their mate, and men who don't. When near couples I always make eye contact with the woman only and smile at her, and any men looking at me I look away or get away somehow and feel badly for her. I never entertain it. I never ever make eye contact with other men who are with women.

This is so very thoughtful and considerate of you, to put yourself in someone else's place like that.

yikes really hurts. makes us feel unattractive when that is so far from the truth. not nice.

My heart goes out to you. Here to remind you that you are beautiful inside and out, and someone else's behaviour is no indication of your own value and worth. Keep your head high.

[brighter future]

During the course of our nearly two year relationship, my ex BPD g/f would tell me about guys flirting with her out in public or at work. When she would tell me these things, I got the sense that she enjoyed it. There are two instances that stand out most in my mind. The first one was the time that she took her grandmother out for lunch. She said, "The waiter was flirting with me pretty hard while grandma and I were eating. I halfway expected him to slip me his number." The second occasion happened after she and I walked out of a restaurant. She stated, "I don't know what it is these days, but I'm getting a lot of attention lately from men. A lot of guys seem to be checking me out." These comments were hurtful to me, and I don't recall ever really acknowledging what she told me.

She talked about old boyfriends and flings on and off while we were together, which made me feel uncomfortable.  I assume that this was also a problem in her marriage because she told me that her ex-husband got very angry and prohibited her from talking about old boyfriends with him.

From time to time, she would flirt openly on social media with the guy that she replaced me with. Looking back, I wish I would have stood up and said something about this, as it was something that always bothered me. She had started a relationship with this man immediately after leaving her ex-husband, then stopped seeing him to start dating me (apparently I was the better option at that moment in time). I didn't find out about him until after we'd been seeing each other for about 2 months. At that time, she also told me about the 3 other men that she was talking to at that time. She admitted to sleeping with my replacement after she left her ex-husband, sexting with one other former classmate, and "just talking" to the other two guys. Looking back, I should have run the other way when she told me these things. Major red flags!

She married my replacement late last year. I often wonder what he'd think if he knew how many guys she was involved with when she was involved with him prior to being with me. Maybe she told him the story just like she told to me? If she did, maybe he didn't care, or maybe she didn't tell him at all. She contacted me on and off for about two years after our split either in person, via text message, or through other friends' social media. It didn't stop until a while after I'd starting dating my present day girlfriend. I'm glad the contact has finally stopped, and I'm thankful every day that my relationship with her didn't work out. Now she can be the other guy's problem from now on. I got word from a friend a week or two ago that she quit the full-time management job at the store she works for and traded it for a minimum wage part-time job. Once again, I'm so thankful that it's not me.

[ConflictedWalrus]

My uBPDstbxw used to do this... She's a social butterfly. If we were in any social environment, she would immediately get sucked into conversation with anyone who showed even the slightest interest.

She tends towards talking with younger males (usually in their mid-20s, she's in her mid 30s). I would always get really uncomfortable with this... For years I felt powerless to say anything, and would be "there but not there". Somehow, I just felt like shrinking away and disappearing from the overwhelming awkwardness.

What I didn't think of was her behavior when I wasn't around. In hindsight, I'm sure the version of her when I wasn't around was probably the same but even less inhibited.

Five years ago she had physical affair. As part of reconciliation, she began therapy for Sex and Love Addiction (she wasn't diagnosed being treated for BPD at the time). With that, she did become more conscious of her interactions and things became a lot less flirty. It also helped that concurrent to her therapy we moved and developed "safer" social circles in our new location. The new social circle was largely composed of fellow Christians, which is to say people whose social values make them less prone to flirting or appearances of impropriety.

I think this helped keep her in check. She mirrored them and their values, and they didn't feed her tendencies. I was a LOT more comfortable being present for those interactions.

Unfortunately with this latest cycle of dysregulation she started up an affair again. At one point I thought the affair ended, but it was actually still ongoing. During this time we only went to a couple social occasions together, but I can say she was definitely back into flirting with any younger guys.

It's interesting to look back... When she was in "flirt mode", I'm not sure which was more bothering: The flirting itself, or the way she would stop being the "her" that I was used to (mirroring of me and the values I have) and transition to the "her" that the other person wanted (mirroring the person she was talking to). It's almost like those videos showing an octopus suddenly changing its colors in a new environment.