6) Clinging to the words that were said

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

The couple bond one forms with a PD person is different due to the intensity of the coupling of our unmet needs reflected and then fulfilled by another person. This reflection (or projection) is unexpected. When you look over the beginning of the relationship, wasn't the intensity different than any you had ever experienced?

Yes, it has been a truly incredible experience - all of it and most certainly the  realizations it led me to about myself and my own issues.  As painful as it is, I am glad it happened.  Hopefully, we will all learn and heal and be better people for it.

When you think back at these words you actually realise just how generic they were.

Yes, I have heard all the words on this thread and perhaps more.  I read an article when I first began researching the qualities of the r/s with my uBPDh  about word usage by people with personality disorders.  It was straight on.

It can be really difficult to reconcile the contradictions between the words and actions.

Sometimes I wish there were more contradictions.  I know he does love me and he does many thoughtful, wonderful, and practical things to show his love.  He loves me but he loves alcohol more.  My T says it is impossible to have a sustained emotionally intimate relationship with someone who is active in his/her addiction.  At last session, I told T it is obvious when he needs to leave to drink (he does not drink around me) and T said alcohol is his mistress, or actually that I am.

[daze]

The couple bond one forms with a PD person is different due to the intensity of the coupling of our unmet needs reflected and then fulfilled by another person. This reflection (or projection) is unexpected. When you look over the beginning of the relationship, wasn't the intensity different than any you had ever experienced?

Yes, it has been a truly incredible experience - all of it and most certainly the  realizations it led me to about myself and my own issues.  As painful as it is, I am glad it happened.  Hopefully, we will all learn and heal and be better people for it.

When you think back at these words you actually realise just how generic they were.

Yes, I have heard all the words on this thread and perhaps more.  I read an article when I first began researching the qualities of the r/s with my uBPDh  about word usage by people with personality disorders.  It was straight on.

It can be really difficult to reconcile the contradictions between the words and actions.

Sometimes I wish there were more contradictions.  I know he does love me and he does many thoughtful, wonderful, and practical things to show his love.  He loves me but he loves alcohol more.  My T says it is impossible to have a sustained emotionally intimate relationship with someone who is active in his/her addiction.  At last session, I told T it is obvious when he needs to leave to drink (he does not drink around me) and T said alcohol is his mistress, or actually that I am.

[Caracatuspots]

This is the hardest bit of moving on. 2 months of nc and the phrases still roll around my head. I can hear her voice. I'll write them here and see if they lose their power, a bit.

'Is this what falling in love feels like?' - very early

'We'll grow old together won't we?'

'I feel like we're reincarnated lovers'

'I start crying when I listen to Mariah Carey'

'You are my first darling'

After breakup and reconciliation, 'I always loved you, I knew it was a mistake immediately to end it.'

':)on't you know, I'll always come back to you.'

'I am your family now', this just after my father's sudden death and when we'd talked of marriage.

Two days later: 'I can't look at you without crying'... .   Tantrum. Rage. Runs away. Nothing but spiteful emails and letters afterwards.

I can still hear her voice, taste her kisses and see her eyes when I think of these.

It's the hardest thing to let go. Here goes!

[Blade99d]

Honeymoon phase:

There isnt anything I don't like about you

No one has ever made me feel the way you do

I hope we never grow apart

You are one of the best things to ever happen to me

You are so generous to me, no one has ever taken me out as much as you do

Going into hater phase:

A guy I dated before you had a dick twice the size of yours - she constantly brought this up

I hope your daughter ends up with a guy like you

The classic I hate you

Everything is your fault

You are psycho

Move on, i have

Im going out tonight to look for a big penis

[em754]

Reading through these posts is quite painful, I still find it hard to believe that my wife of 33 years has changed so much. I was used to the roller coaster of bipolar, but she always came back to earth.

The past 3 years have been unbelievable since BPD came into our lives

You are my soulmate

I don't know if I could live without you

I can see us both growing old together

I don't care if we lose everything we have as long as we have each other

I REALLY love you

Have been replaced with

I can't stand the sight of you

I hate you

I never really loved you

I can't wait to divorce you

Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life

I am having trouble coming to terms with it all, sometimes her comments make me physically nauseous and my head pounds.

Reaching 59 and losing the most important person in your life is soul destroying

[rodman8]

Wow.  After reading all of these quotes, if there was any doubt before that my ex was BPD, it is as plain as day now.

'You are the most AMAZIN man I have ever met'

'You are 100% the love of my life'

'(Her name + my name) = love for forever and ever'

'You say you THINK I may be The One... . well, I KNOW you are The One'

'I am your woman for as long as you will have me'

'Words cannot describe all the reasons that I love and adore you'

'I love you with all my heart, (my name)'

'When I am with you, it is a feeling I have not had with anyone'

       Yes, the words hurt more than anything.  I wanted so badly to believe what was said.  I agree though, that while she always told me how much she misses and loves me, these ultra-sweet phrases were always texted to me.  It was in her comfort zone to write more than to vocalize.  The crazy part is that she is a 37 year old woman saying these things to me, and it sounds like a high school teenager; just sayin.  It was strange how after the three month point hit, these phrases basically ceased to exist.  She would still text me sweet things and tell me she loves and misses me, but the intensity definitely subsided rather quickly.

[Emelie Emelie]

This is probably the hardest part for me. I cling hard to the things he said. He used to absolutely blow me away. Hard to accept he's probably said it all many times before and for all I know saying it to someone else tonight.

[em754]

just one month since my last post on this thread, and my wife has not slept at home for nearly two weeks. Staying with her new boyfriend 'he is everything I could want in a man'.

I have finally reached that stage where divorce and settlement cannot come soon enough, then No Contact at all. I will be best rid of her, although she will always have a place in my heart.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Oh such a relevant post, and one of the biggest things that keeps us stuck in misery for so long.

Phase 1;

The Courting; (but I didn't know he was courting me, since he told me "he was only seeking friendships".

Painted himself out to look like the most honest guy that ever walked the earth.

Painted himself out to look like the best boyfriend a girl could ever have.

Was ever so helpful and understanding.

Painted himself out to look kind, caring, laid back and easy going.

I did not find out until much later, (and way too late!) the extent of the lies he told me about himself.

As his 'friend' I had offered him a temporary place to stay free of charge for a few months, whilst he found another job and decided what he was doing. Since I had worked in the same type of industry he had been in, I understood why he didn't have a place to live when I met him, (basically his story sounded more plausible).

He was wooing me over the first month, and me being so gullible, didn't even notice the probing questions/courting or why he was asking them so often.

I also didn't register why he seemed to want to hang out with me every day, in every minute of spare time I had that wasn't at work, or taking care of everyday life matters, (running a home, being a Mother to my teenage children).

After almost a month, I started becoming attracted to him, and falling for him, (this fantasy he was weaving for me over who he was).

I guess I overlooked a lot of  's and passed them off.

I put my feelings out there for him, and he rejected me, so I suggested that perhaps we didn't see so much of each other, as I didn't want to feel hurt/rejected and ruin our friendship.

As soon as I backed off, he then 'confessed' that he did in fact have way more than 'feelings of friendship for me'.

I asked what he wanted to do with them, (was he looking for 'friends with benefits' or something more exclusive, because I said that I couldn't do 'friends with benefits'.

He said No, he couldn't either, (wasn't into that). So when I asked if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, he then tried to 'put me off him'. 

I found this confusing, since he had been building this great picture of who he was to me... I passed off the warnings he was giving me and asked him to give it a try.

So he agreed to our having a relationship, but wanted us to have STD tests before sleeping together, just to be responsible adults. I was secretly a little hurt and confused about his insistence over this, but also impressed as well.

So I agreed to do these tests, (which took over a month to take place) and in the meantime, we slowly began to get to know each other a lot better.

We became lovers so to speak... . and he occasionally slept in my room... but at that stage, it looked like he wasn't taking it seriously enough...

That was when the trouble began... Seriously...

It began with any 'friends' I had, (at that time I was seeing more of my male friends than female).

Within a very short time, he had begun to devalue me, and every aspect of my life, was a reason/justification for his criticisms/nasty observations. Meanwhile, he began to exhibit some very extreme double standards, and totally inappropriate behaviour/jokes.

Yet, if I acted unintentionally said things that might have hurt him, or joked around, it was met with 'punishment and perceived revenge'.

I actually felt like I was always being punished for things I had not even done or said on purpose!

In the meantime, he had not even told me he loved me... This was after 3 months of being very intimate and supposedly being in a 'relationship with me'. Yet he demanded I treat him 'like my husband', with all the privileges and respect that title deserved...

Still, I was deeply hooked, a long time before that, I was becoming hooked to him, whilst he was covertly wooing and courting me... Even before I became involved with him, I believe he knew I was already hooked on him...

Once, (with an arrogance I can never forget), he gloatingly said that he knew that if he walked out on me, and left me for dust, that he could walk back into my life again a year later, and I would 'take him back'. This apparently was because deep down, I knew what a really 'great guy he was'.

I should remember that moment for the rest of my life... it was his way of letting me know the great power he exercised over me, (and obviously what I would let him away with later).

Once he began declaring his 'great love for me', and his cycles of violence, recycling were in full swing, I was often told that;

I will never leave you or let you go ever, (insert my name here).

You are the one for me, there is no other.

I love you very much.

You are so good looking, so attractive, very beautiful...

You are so popular, everyone likes you, (but they hate me). That later became my fault, I was 'backstabbing him to them apparently...

I love being with you, and love making love with you...

You always look nice, and you have a nice body. this easily switched to, "your a fat, ugly, pig, c**t, b***h, etc...

You are 'blessed' (with great looks), and alluded to the fact that he knew he was secretly blessed himself, with joire de voir, (if I spelt that right!) This could switch to, "your not THAT SPECIAL, there is a whole world full of 'nice people out there...

I love spending time with you... to, "you never spend time with me, everyone, everything, is more important to you than me".

I miss you. to, "I'm not THAT desperate, I'm not codependent on you, I don't need you, I'm not some pathetic, desperate wimp, crying into his Weetbix over you... . then, (snarlingly) you don't need me...

I would reply with, (After repeating his words back to him and awaiting a response), "In some ways I do need you" and "Aren't you happy I am not too needy", and it isn't about needing someone, it is about WANTING THEM... .

I am so sorry I hurt you, I know I need help, but I am not ready to go down that path yet... . (this was the first 2 years, but after he moved out, he never said it again, and if anybody else reminded him, it was met with violence.

I will never let you go, and never want to let you go, leave you or break up with you. yet he dumped me every week for 3.5 years!

Yet, it was apparently me rejecting him! I was rejecting his behaviour, not him. I was sticking to my boundaries over his incessant need for conflict and drama at my home... and I always told him that he had a choice. I said that I never wanted to ask him to leave each time he instigated conflict with me, but if he would not take time out and go off to cool down, or allow me to, then he would have to leave... (for longer than a few hours and preferably a few days until he had cooled off again). It was him that rejected me and ended things every time I refused to allow him to continue his conflict... so I was often backed into a corner and could only agree that he should leave for the time being...

Yet he continually punished me for keeping him in a constant state of anxiety over being 'kicked out'...

All he had to do, was act on the things he agreed with in more peaceful times, but it was like he forgot again, and even if I reminded him over and over, it was like it went in one ear and straight out the other side.

I felt like I was stuck on 'repeat, replay mode' for 3.5 years... . Total Groundhog Day, over and over... with everything he said, and everything he did.

Your such a good Mother. to "your a lowlife single parent, your kids are f****d up, and I come from a way better and far more educated family than you...

This also changed to resentment that I loved and looked after my (older) children so much, not like his parents, who hated him and always wanted him to f**k off... . (still do now apparently).

Oh, that must be why, for the last 13 years, they have put you up for free, and helped you out consistently, every time you returned to free load off them...

He often accused me of loving and caring more about my children than I ever did him...

I would always say, (after paraphrasing his feelings) that No, I loved and cared for him just as deeply as I did my children, but it is a different kind of love... He would then say that I did not love him unconditionally, as he did me!

Cough splutter!

I would say that people in romantic relationships cannot easily love each other unconditionally... It is a totally different kind of love... but that when children became older, their unconditional love for their parents may still have been there, but if their parents were still mistreating them as adults, they would often have to retain their distance/detach to protect themselves from further hurt. I also explained that for parents, if their children were hurtful to them as adults, that parents had to practise 'tough love' as well.

There went the blank stare...

So, as it is, he has now ignored me again for over a week. I was verbally abused because I would not allow him to verbally abuse his parents to me, or my daughter and her partner...

I often told him that both of us needed to change what we were doing, in order to feel better, but I couldn't do it alone, he had to join me...

Wasted energy for sure... . wasted love, wasted time, wasted my life, and still am, ruminating over a guy who couldn't love me. He is out there again, chasing the fresh and new...

Just like he always did... Except now, he is looking decidedly more pathetic, 46, and still like a teenage boy inside...

[mcc503764]

Unfortunately since the actions never matched the words for me, I have come to the harsh conclusion that they just said what they needed to say at the time to get whatever it was that they NEEDED at the time! (financial, emotional outlet, etc... . )

Especially with mine, there was NEVER any sort of "long term mentality."  She was NEVER in it for the "long-haul."

That's reality for me!

MCC

[peas]

Especially with mine, there was NEVER any sort of "long term mentality."  She was NEVER in it for the "long-haul."

Yeah, in theory mine was in it for the long haul, or in his words "in it to win it" with me, but he couldn't apply the concept to day-to-day r/s skills. He would get stuck on what wasn't happening at that moment and thought everything was futile. He had a hard time with long-term planning with me and following through even though he talked about it all the time. I would assure him that I envisioned a future with him, but he was too focused on his feelings in that moment. We had a long distance r/s and no matter how much I told him it would be temporary, all he thought about every day was that I wasn't there 24/7 (even though I spent nearly every weekend with him) and he couldn't wait it out a few months more.

Talk about control issues. It drove him crazy that I wasn't there when he expected me to be there.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi peas,

Your words struck a chord with me. In saying that you had a long distance relationship, and your exBP got stuck in his feelings in the present all the time.

Talked about planning a future together, but that was all he could do, (talk about it, but not make any definate plans).

Mine was the same as yours, (when we lived together, and when we lived apart). Stuck, only concerned with his feelings about what was/wasn't happening at that moment.

Hard time future planning anything, and following through, but talked about it at least 4 days per week, (and blamed me he was going nowhere for this relationship, the sacrifices he was making!).

He wasn't making any though, I was!

Just so frustrating, and he was always feeling justified to paint me and our relationship black, but couldn't handle any criticism/advice about what he needed to do for himself!

[peas]

Talked about planning a future together, but that was all he could do, (talk about it, but not make any definate plans).

Mine was the same as yours... . Stuck, only concerned with his feelings about what was/wasn't happening at that moment.

Hard time future planning anything, and following through, but talked about it at least 4 days per week, (and blamed me he was going nowhere for this relationship, the sacrifices he was making!).

He wasn't making any though, I was!

Yep. Your comment got me really thinking about how my ex was all talking marriage, but when I started taking it seriously he suddenly gets all: Let's take it slow, let's give it a year before we make those plans.

At first I thought that was a good idea because we had such a fast and intense attraction. But thinking back on it, it was one more thing he couldn't or wouldn't work toward. His words were cheap. 

You are so right about them whining and blaming us for the r/s problems -- to this day me ex still has me convinced that if I was local we'd be together. The LDR was a huge sore spot. He ALMOST WEEKLY would tell me that if I loved him I would be with him, meaning: give up your job (which paid double what he made) and come be with me NOW. Not in a year. Not in four months. Today. 

That brought me so much guilt and pressure to make sure I gave him every spare moment I could until the day we could live together permanently. I drove every weekend to him. I always paid for the gas and I always was the one to do the road trip. I had to go to him. And then one time he made a comment about how much effort he puts into the r/s.

For him, the huge effort was sustaining attraction for someone who couldn't give him 24/7. We did this for seven months. During that time, when I would get fed up with his blaming me for "leaving" (a good job offer caused me to relocate -- I had been unemployed and desperate for work) and when he would argue ad nauseum about needing someone there every day, I told him to go find a local girlfriend if he wanted it that bad. I was sick of hearing it. Then he'd shut up for a while.

Then I think he actually did find a local girlfriend. That's when the "let's take it slow" BS started, then detachment. Then thinking I was the enemy. But typical BPD: two weeks before the breakup he's asking me to check my fertility to see about some babymaking.

[Ironmanrises]

I struggle with this too.

First time in relationship with her:

Idealize phase... . Words said.

You make me so happy

My heart fills with happiness

I love you... . Repeated dozens of times a day via text, phone

I love everything about you

I love how you care about me

Devalue phase: words said.

There was nothing about you i like

I dont have deep feelings for you

You are so negative

My feelings for you were an illusion

I dont want you to care about me

Second time in relationship with her... .

Idealize phase... . Words said.

I am so grateful i have my man back

You are my rock within my storm

I love everything about you, all your flaws and all

I love how you care about me

My heart swells with you back in my life


Devalue phase... . Words said.

I dont like the way you breathe

You must be gay(i stopped having sex with her when devaluation started, this was said in response)

You are so negative

There was nothing about you i really like

Your love for me was fake

I have tears in my eyes remembering this. Who was this person? Oh right. Now i remember, the person i fell in love with. The person i let back into my life after she abruptly left me first time. Words and the power they inflict. They echo in my mind. I tumble from space.

[DeRetour]

After 2 weeks:

“I feel like I can talk with you about anything, like we’ve known each other before.”

After a month:

I’ve never had this kind of connection with anyone before (said with tears after sex).

Our chemistry is so strong.

Everything about you is beautiful.

I think about you all day when we’re apart.

I’m aching for you. I feel it in my heart and stomach.

After 3 months:

When I texted that I miss her one evening when she went out after work, her response was: “I miss you more.” (The next day, I found out she posted a Missed Connections ad for the bartender that she was flirting with that night – while texting me to tell me how much she missed me!)

I just can’t have these doubts and insecurities (said after she admitted to posting to Craigslist. She expected me to just get over it and take her “at her word” after we had our discussion.)

Often, if she said something critical and I got quiet, she’d ask me:

“Are you okay? Because you’re looking, idk.,... kinda weird. Why are you acting despondent like this?”



When she devalued me:

I can’t give you 5 days a week! I need to see my family and friends. Do you want me to stop seeing my family?”

You look disgusted with me. (I wasn’t even frowning at the moment. Completely misread my facial expressions or perhaps just made this up to start a fight).

No! I refuse to neglect my friends! You make me feel like what I do isn’t enough.

Way to go! Way to make me feel good about myself when I already have a low self-esteem. Thanks.

You’re acting kinda…idk, weird. Are you okay?

We just can’t seem to get along without fighting! I don’t know what it is about us, but we just can’t!

You need to get better.

You never trusted me.

I want us to work so badly.



Throughout the relationship:

I love YOU…don’t ever forget.

I want to wake up next to you every morning, have sex with you every day, and fall asleep with you every night.

You are my heart.

You are my life.

You are my rock.

When I think about how much I love you, I get tears in my eyes.

Will you take care of me? Even though I’m crazy? Even when I have these difficult moods?

I love you unconditionally.

I’m all YOURS…forever.

We’re going to grow old together.

Let’s have a family. I want us to travel first, but then let’s have a family together. Our children will be so beautiful.

You’re the most amazing boyfriend EVER. (I often told her I’m the luckiest.)



After first breakup:

My self-esteem is lower than it’s ever been in my life!

My hands are shaking. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

Before recycle:

I’m standing in front of your place and I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I can’t help it that I miss you.



After Breakup Two:

You’re the only one for me.

Same day…reposted a captioned photo on Tumblr of a girl looking in her rearview mirror. Caption below read: Remember me.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

[Surnia]

I hope you don't mind:

Lets look not only on the words of your ex, but also on your own reaction!

What happened with you when someone told you: You are the love of my life. You are my soulmate.

Or an example from my own life:

A Festival with exex, I ask him: Are you dry?

He with wide open eyes and huge black pupil: I invited you here, I would never take xy while you were here with me.

What was my reaction: I believed him. His body told something different than his words.

Later when he was nearly unconscious I felt so bad. I was so easily convinced with words and didn't trust my guts.

[DeRetour]

Haha. Oops! I realize that it makes a lot more sense if we include our responses. Okay, I'll try this again. Hope this isn't too incoherent.

Her words during 1st couple of months dating:

“I feel like I can talk with you about anything, like we’ve known each other before.”

…

I think about you all day when we’re apart.

I’m aching for you. I feel it in my heart and stomach.



The main message here: We FOUND each other. I’m falling for you.

My reaction: I believed it. The love I was starving and pining for my whole life was finally here. She looked and felt like the girl I always wanted but never got to keep. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her words affirmed how I felt: as though she had keys to receptors I had long put away. We texted throughout the day and I was showered with words like this. I responded with similar words, because honestly, when she left to go home, I would feel the withdrawal after a couple of hours – aching heart feeling + shakiness. I wanted to secure a relationship with her.

When I found out and confronted her on her first lie, she turned things around and began devaluing me with:

“You need to get better.”

“I can’t have these doubts and insecurities.”

My reaction: Felt completely disrespected with feelings invalidated, especially after lying to me. Hoped she would come back around and realize how much she hurt me. I almost left her. Yet I was scared to let her go. I was afraid she’d have something passionate with someone else (not that I was so sure she hadn’t already!). I brought up the possibility of needing to end things.

Her reaction to mine: pulled me back in by coming back around, spending more time with me with more promise of a relationship.



We got into a relationship. Throughout, she idealized me with:

“I’m so beyond in LOVE with you.”

“You are my rock.”

“I’m all YOURS…forever.”

“I want us to grow old together.”

“You’re the most amazing, caring boyfriend EVER. I’m so lucky to have you.” (said with tears in her eyes).

My reaction:

These words validated my strong desire for a long-term commitment. They helped soothe me on nights when she wasn't sleeping over and we'd talk on the phone. Sorry for this side note, but often I felt pressured to have lots of sex with her. The sex happened to be intensely physical and emotional, often rough. But, she had body image issues and for her, sex meant I wasn't losing attraction to her (her fear). I often worried that this was just an extended booty call. How is this relevant to the words? Well, if I dared express concern, she'd respond with words like: "I just can't have this insecurity. Maybe I just need to go."

Throughout the relationship, she devalued me, especially toward the end:

“We just can’t seem to get along! We always fight!”

“You need to get better. I can’t have this, my self-esteem is already low enough!”

“Maybe I just need to go home. I’m too upset to be here right now.”



My response: “Oh sweetie. I’m not fighting with you. I am just trying to discuss things, to improve our communication.  I want good communication so we can have a strong relationship. Please don’t misunderstand that, okay? Good solid relationships take work. So that's where I'm coming from. It's not criticism.” Inside, my heart was often racing, but I couldn’t show that emotion or she’d get even more upset and escalate into yelling or wanting to punch something. Sometimes, she’d abruptly leave and follow with texts of how terrible I was to her.

EDIT: During fights she'd demean me with things like: "You're being STUPID!" OR "I've never been with someone who made me feel so low!"

My response: Often I was frozen, not knowing how to react. She'd get completely angry from out of nowhere it seemed. Then she'd come back around and apologize for being difficult to get along with (which made me feel guilty and sad for her).

At the very end, her words are:

"You're breaking my heart. I did nothing to deserve such little respect." (in response to my maintaining NC).

I haven't responded to her in over a month. It's a major detox. Now alone, I am fully aware of some long-time anxiety with physical symptoms making it difficult to function. I suspect I may have had this since childhood. Back to the words, yes I suppose I should really not even read any of her words to have honest to goodness NC. I digress, so sorry. This is a helpful thread. Thank you!

[happylogist]

Thank you so much for this post!

It is a true therapy to read through all the special things and realize how much common it is.

To be honest I clinged to those "love" words after he broke up with me, but at the same time those negative things he told me were poisoning me when everything was more or less ok. 

Also it is true that they feel what works and what doesn't. Once in anger he told me "who you think you are? do you think you are f*g special?". It really made feel bad and he knew that. Afterwards anytime he wanted to make me feel better he would just say "you are very special". 

Needless to say that he did nothing to prove that I was special in a long run.

[KHC_33]

Wow! That sums it up! I'm speechless!

[mitchell16]

DeRetour, wow I could have wrote this. I had to look and make sure I didnt. The actions and wording are almost identical to mine almost word for word. This is scary. Thank you its was very helpful.

[Relentless]

I second that... . Holy crap... . It's almost identical... . Replace a few words with synonyms... . Bam. Wow. How dumb was I? I still hope she comes back me.

[DeRetour]

DeRetour, wow I could have wrote this. I had to look and make sure I didnt. The actions and wording are almost identical to mine almost word for word. This is scary. Thank you its was very helpful.

Mitchell,

Hah! I know what you mean and yes, that's a bit uncanny. I'm glad that was helpful. Now the trick is not intellectualizing these words! Just inspired after reading that thread on resolving cognitive dissonance. 

deretour

[Purely]

I'm so thankful to find this post. In a few days is one year since my BPDbf suddenly departed from my life. He did so in a very hurtful way and has not given me any chance for closure or to understand in the year following. As such, for the first time in my life, I find myself unable to get over it and move on. I think the words he said have kept me from moving on. Feeling that he must in some way still be waiting for me to prove my love so we can be happy again. I see that is a common thread with BPD and I'm hopeful understanding this might finally help me start to let go. Because I don't want to hurt like this anymore.

"You are the only person I've ever loved."

"I would just stop living if you weren't mine anymore."

"There is no end for you and I, we can't end, we are forever."

"If I wasn't with you I would be alone for the rest of my life."

"No matter what I do or say please never give up on me because I need you."

"Thank you for always saving me. Never give up on us."

"All I do when we are apart is sit and think of our future together."

And the hours and hours and hours that he just wanted to sit and hold me and stare at me. Doing nothing else. Seeing no one else. Apparently that wasn't us falling in "one true love", it was an illness.

[Emelie Emelie]

Aside from these types of things my BPD made all these comments about relationships.  For instance early on he told me where people screw up is they get to the point where all they do is find fault with their partner instead of focussing on loving them and making them happy.  Of course we got to the point where all he did was find fault with me.  And it's ridiculous how people focus on petty jealousies instead of appreciating the fact that this person is with them.  Followed by scary intense jealous rages.  He was denying things that he would later do.  

[Take2]

Yes... .   in the begining of my r/s, I remember hearing many times how he "just isn't a jealous kind of guy"... .    WOW nothing could be further from the truth... .   he tried to be something he wasn't for a long time and then the facade crumbled... .   I don't cling to those words... .  

Purely... . your last line of "apparently that wasn't us falling in "one true love", it was an illness" is the hardest concept for me to grasp.  Even now after all I've been thru and all the threats i continue to get from him which still scare me, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that... .   obviously because I don't think like he does.  But while I can read and read and read and see that everything says 1 plus 1 equals 2, but it's like my head can't see how it can.  Part of my own problem with acceptance apparently.  I hope you do find the understanding you need to let go though... .    

[saw_tooth]

Honeymoon phase:

Fantastic gestures included

-Picking and dropping me

-Feeding me with his own hands

-Holding me close

-Sensing how I am feeling and getting me what I need w/o me saying in words

-Calling me 'baby' and 'honey'

-Saying 'You look super sexy in corporate clothing'

-Being super supportive of all my dreams and goals

-Complimenting me(they seemed genuine)

-"The essence of a woman are her emotions and I will be with a woman for emotional fulfillment".

-How could you leave the guy you were in a relationship with and go away? and 'Why did you call off our meetings?' when I had retreated because he would push me away.

Red flag 1

The first time we intensely made out,he started yelling the following':)on't get too close to me,you will get hurt,I will have affairs,I am not good enough for you'.I had started crying but he continued to yell and was looking deranged.After 20 mins of yelling he cooled down by himself,kissed me and took me for snacks as though nothing was wrong.This I should have taken super seriously.

The incongruity stage:

-Checked for my 'stay ability' and at the same time said ':)on't get close to me'

-Asked me to go date other men but was jealous if anyone was interested in me.

-Repeatedly mentioned other females to make me jealous but said it is just you.

-Pushed me away and when I retreated ,said ':)on't you dare ignore me while you're with me'.

-Repeatedly said 'I am moving abroad forever(post intimacy sessions),forget me' and then clung.

-Also said 'We can have what we have if you don't get emotional or expect anything' but was jealous of my other male(platonic friends).

Before sleeping together

-Miss you,wanna make love to you.

-Can do anything to make you happy and wanted to eat viagra:)

-Will caress you in my arms forever.

-Do you think I am too thin?

-I have been building my body for you,now will you let me love you?

After sleeping together second time('t was his idea btw)

-Asked me if I was getting married to someone else anytime soon and I told him I am with you so I am not looking elsewhere.Shut down after this for 3 months.Could not stand the possibility of sustained closeness.

The hurtful things he said later

-I am not good enough for you.I am just a friend and you need someone for life.

-It was never a relationship.

-I always saw you as a friend.

-I never felt anything for you.

-Don't ever touch me,not even hold my hand because it is wrong since I am not a kid anymore.I don't want to be touched at all.

-I never wanted to come close to you.

-Don't make me feel guilty for what happened(I had not mentioned 'guilt' at all)

Projection on the last talk:

-I want you to do well in life in life because you have worked hard.

-Have bad thoughts about me.

-Say mean things to me.

-Are you angry with me?

-Do you think I am a bad guy?

-I'm so sorry you got hurt.

[Discovery]

Reconciling THESE words (+100s more) with the brutal and cold cut-off created a huge MESS in my brain... .and that Cognitive Dissonance keeps reverberating... .(and is the source of most of my suffering... .because I BELIEVED in the sincerity and integrity of those words). 

"You are the most important person in my life"

"You are EVERYTHING I want in a woman"

"I completely trust you because you have so much integrity"

"I love you more than anyone in my life"

"I feel like you are my family"

"No one has ever loved me like you"

"I care about you so much"

"I want to be your rock"

"I love being here for you"

"You're the woman I've always wanted"

"I love that you're my PARTNER"

"These symbolize our love and our home" (a special key ring he made me for our new apt... .I was about to move; 2 months before discard)

"Welcome to our home" (2 months before discard)

"I'm so excited to do couples therapy with you" (he quit the day of the discard)

"I am so grateful for you in my life" (3 weeks before discard)

"I love walking with you on OUR street" (our new apt) (2 weeks before discard)

"You are my most beautiful dream" (2 weeks before discard)

":)on't worry. I love you. We have some geographic issues but we're working on it"

(1 week before discard)

Early in the r/s: "I would die for you."

Later in the r/s when he refused to have a difficult conversation, I reminded him of this over-the-top statement and pointed out that it's pretty ironic that he thinks he would DIE for me but can't have a CONVERSATION. I should have heeded the red-flags then. Silly me. I was used to people who MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. 

After discard (ending a 7-year r/s by email and refusing to speak with me):

"Please return the keys. And give me instructions about what to do with your things."

"I don't have ANY feelings for you any more."

"My love extinguished."

"Take care."

All I can say is these HUGE INCOHERENCES created a mind f*** that threw me into trauma. My brain (and heart) no longer could compute ANYTHING. They are still trying to recover and I suspect it will take a long while.

[redbaron5]

Reconciling THESE words (+100s more) with the brutal and cold cut-off created a huge MESS in my brain... .and that Cognitive Dissonance keeps reverberating... .(and is the source of most of my suffering... .because I BELIEVED in the sincerity and integrity of those words). 

"You are the most important person in my life"

"You are EVERYTHING I want in a woman"

"I completely trust you because you have so much integrity"

"I love you more than anyone in my life"

"I feel like you are my family"

"No one has ever loved me like you"

"I care about you so much"

"I want to be your rock"

"I love being here for you"

"You're the woman I've always wanted"

"I love that you're my PARTNER"

"These symbolize our love and our home" (a special key ring he made me for our new apt... .I was about to move; 2 months before discard)

"Welcome to our home" (2 months before discard)

"I'm so excited to do couples therapy with you" (he quit the day of the discard)

"I am so grateful for you in my life" (3 weeks before discard)

"I love walking with you on OUR street" (our new apt) (2 weeks before discard)

"You are my most beautiful dream" (2 weeks before discard)

":)on't worry. I love you. We have some geographic issues but we're working on it"

(1 week before discard)

Early in the r/s: "I would die for you."

Later in the r/s when he refused to have a difficult conversation, I reminded him of this over-the-top statement and pointed out that it's pretty ironic that he thinks he would DIE for me but can't have a CONVERSATION. I should have heeded the red-flags then. Silly me. I was used to people who MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. 

After discard (ending a 7-year r/s by email and refusing to speak with me):

"Please return the keys. And give me instructions about what to do with your things."

"I don't have ANY feelings for you any more."

"My love extinguished."

"Take care."

All I can say is these HUGE INCOHERENCES created a mind f*** that threw me into trauma. My brain (and heart) no longer could compute ANYTHING. They are still trying to recover and I suspect it will take a long while.

Almost word for word... .  You are not alone.  I was actually harboring my anger against my exBPDgf as a way to maintain no contact, my anger about the lies, deceit, cheating, using me... .ect ect.  Well tonight I activated an old iphone that had been turned off for years. Huge Mistake, It had all our text messages from when we first started dating and first recycle. "I couldnt imagine loving anyone else" "I love you more than I did Before" "I'm not good enough for you, you have no idea how awesome you are" "I Would never leave me"  ect ect... .   Now I just Miss her.  I know she doesnt Miss me, she is with my replacement. Hes probably hearing the same things... .  wake of emotional destruction. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.

[fromheeltoheal]

In hindsight the best things she ever said to me were on Facebook or by text; she was very seldom ever the same in person, and that incongruency left a pit in my stomach that I denied for way too long.  Listen to my gut, valuable lesson.