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Author Topic: 6) Clinging to the words that were said  (Read 6454 times)
OTH
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« on: August 29, 2011, 11:28:01 AM »

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder on the website has helped me heal, stay NC and accept BPD more than any other thing that I read (trust me, there has been a lot).  

Seeking balance started this workshop on article 9 (10 myths that keep us stuck) - truly analyzing and understanding our role in these - can help the healing process.

This workshop is myth 6 - please share your experiences as it relates.  It will help you and it will help others.


6) Clinging to the words that were said   [Read original text here]

'“But she said she would love me forever”

Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications.

You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth."


What my exdBPDgf said to me... .

OTH, It makes me sad to think that anyone who knows me knows that I love you completely and want to spend the rest of my life with you, but sometimes you don't.  I know things have been rough, much more so than I would have thought.  That doesn't change the way that I feel about you, love you, and want to be together.  Please don't lose sight of that . . . EVER
<br/>:)id she mean it when she said it? Did she forget the things she said? Was it all just words trying to keep me in the relationship to get her needs met? Do the words matter?

All tough questions. The words must matter or I wouldn't remember them.

My ex to a friend of hers... .

OTH is really laid back.  Very outdoorsy.  Intelligent, active, motivated, patient, affectionate, thoughtful, considerate, trustworthy, strong, ridiculously talented (cars, home repairs, etc.), and gentle and understanding with me.  The love of my life.  That's who he is.

They made me feel special. They definetly created a strong attachment in me towards her. I fell hard. I loved her. She loved me and believed her words until the euphoria of finding new love ended and the difficulty of forging a life together took its place. The fun ended and the disappointment began.

As the article states, she was a dreamer. You can't just remember the times they made you feel special. You have to remember the times they made you feel low. This is the reality. This is the complete picture.

My ex discussing our troubles... .

There is still that same condescending "I know everything and you should do what I tell you" tone that has always been offensive.  Seriously, listen to what you are saying.  I have always admitted that I have problems.  I have always searched for answers.  You just started doing so at age 40, yet call yourself an expert on these things and want to tell everyone their business, including me.  Who do you think you are?  Get over yourself.  Please.

What do we do with the two realities? The first reality makes us feel good about ourselves. The second makes us feel bad about ourselves. What are we most likely to want to remember? What do we do to keep the facts straight in our memory?

I was told how much she loved me and wanted to be with me. As the relationship continued I only felt it as I pulled away. She would pull me back with the same nice words. They had the same effect on me. They drew me to her. It made it easy to forgive the times she devalued me. I even forgave her for doing it in public. I learned to just shut her out when she got in her moods. I didn't listen. Saving the relationship required me to block out part of the experience and deny what it meant about her true feelings for me. She didn't feel the same but wasn't ready to let go.  It wasn't what she expected. I wasn't her dream anymore. She was having new dreams. I wanted the old dream so I ignored her behavior and told myself she would come back around. She didn't. We didn't. Our dream became a nightmare and now it's over. Sweeping it under the rug kept me stuck. It kept things looking nice until the pile under the rug got to big. I will keep a cleaner house now.    

How does this myth relate to your BPD relationship?




More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light
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« Reply #1 on: August 31, 2011, 08:22:40 AM »

This myth was definitely one of the driving forces behind my being infatuated with and holding on to  my ex-pwBPD.

She gave me the entire BPD repertoire - how I was her soul mate, how she loved me more than she had thought she could possibly love anyone, how no one besides me understood her, how we were meant to be together... .all of that. I think her words hit home with me, because I am really not a person to use "big words" easily - "I love you" is not something that crosses my lips except for the very select few. The mere fact, I guess, that she said all of these things to me in itself made me believe her - I really thought that no one would use such big words to and about another person unless they really meant them and were sure that the feelings behind the words would last.
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« Reply #2 on: August 31, 2011, 08:33:28 AM »

I suffered the most due to myths 4, 9, and 10.

But when I was weakest most vulnerable to STBXH's damage was when I was remembering the sweet words that he spoke and believing them to be the truth of how he felt.  These were fewer and farther between as the years went by.  But my heart was squishy and I wanted to believe that he would start treating me like a princess and that I was the only woman that he wanted and that I was the person most like Jesus that he had ever known.

Later on, the nasty, foul, from-the-pit-of-hell things he said played over and over in my head.  I started to believe that I was a fat, lazy b****.  Maybe no one else would ever want me or love me.  Maybe I did need to drop my principles and sink to the level of doing the sick sexual things H said would make him happy.  Even though everybody else I know, family, friends, co-workers, etc. loved me and gave me validating compliments and encouragement- I was believing the lies and labels that a very sick man placed on me.

As I have grown stronger, 6.5 months out of the house/mid-divorce, I have thought less and less about those words, both good and vile.  They came from a man who never knew or loved himself and had no way of knowing or really loving me.  A man who scrambled to make empty promises, never intending or able to keep them, any time he felt me detaching.  As my dear friend says, "He wanted his binky."  I was an object of comfort to him, although he treated me so often like a piece of annoying trash.  And I would have stayed with him forever if, after the first time he admitted to having a problem and promised to get help, he had done it.

Good thread, even though I'm not really supposed to be here (discovery possibility, though low).

Hugs to all,

JDoe
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« Reply #3 on: August 31, 2011, 12:19:47 PM »

The words.  She has such a way with them.  I ran across some birthday, anniversary, father's day cards she had given me over the years.  The words were so eloquent.  Even when they said things like "I know the last year has been hard, but things will get better".  Over time this morphed to "You never trusted me",  "You will learn over time that you never loved me." ? ? ?

The confusion has driven me to insanity.

The words started to go bad after a few years, but then they got better when we had kids.  She had someone that would love her unconditionally all day long and that fed her needs.  When the kids started to grow and mature as teenagers and she was no longer the center of their universes, that is when things started to go south for her.  The words to all of us went from positive to negative.  It was subtle and as a result, I never really saw it happening.  Now that I have pulled my head out of the denial I lived in for way too long, there are so many examples of how the postivie, affirming words stopped and the negativity took over.

I remember her complaining that all I ever wanted was to be complimented.  I have come to realize that I was begging for any scraps she would throw me.  The words meant so much to me because the actions really were never there.

I have learned through this journey that I don't need that outside affirmation any more than anyone else.  I really don't need kind words from her.  My next relationship will be built on a foundation of actions not on the words she speaks.

I do still miss her positive periods, her smile, her laugh, but the price I paid was way too much.
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« Reply #4 on: August 31, 2011, 01:22:08 PM »

Ok, let's see... .this is what I was to her at the beginning:

1. I am her "soul mate"

2. I am the "one"

3. "We are forever"

4. "I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you"

5. "I can't picture my life without you"

6. "We are meant to be"

Wow, it's amazing all of the things that she supposedly loved about me at first, she complained about to her best friend and used against me to cut me down at the end. All this in order to make me feel worthless and unlovable. I still struggle with the words that were said at the beginning. I am a very practical person, I usually don't buy into the "soulmate", "destined to be together" crap. However, she had me convinced that it was all true. Talk about having the wool pulled over your eyes.  God, what an idiot I am. Never again.  

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cyndiloowho
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« Reply #5 on: August 31, 2011, 05:25:15 PM »

10/2003-04/2007:

*You are the best friend Ive ever had*

*We're a team*

*You 'n me Babe*

*Foreplay all day long*

*Hey Baby!*

*We have the magic key to love*

*Lets snuggle*
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Finallyfree123
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« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2011, 06:07:17 PM »

Act 1:

"you are the only one who ever loved me"

"I can't live without you"

"You are the one"

"We are a team"

"we are unstoppable"

"you make me feel so good"

"I am so lucky to have you in my life"

"you are so selfless"

"you are my best friend"

"you show me everyday how much you love me"

"meant for each other"

"you get me and my issues"

"I'm all in"

"I'm not going to let our conflict break us up"
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« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2011, 06:12:13 PM »

Yep... .i will never try to build a relationship on words alone again... .show me the actions to back em up and i will believe then.
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« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2011, 09:34:13 PM »

Timebomb im with ya bro... .i wanted to believe and did all those sweet wonderful words... .your my soul mate, your my everything, blah blah... .actions were totally different. words mean little without any actions
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« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2011, 12:19:22 AM »

Yep... .i will never try to build a relationship on words alone again... .show me the actions to back em up and i will believe then.

Since my breakup with my dBPDstbxw, this is the biggest lesson I have learned.  I trusted her and thus trusted her words and never realized how empty they truly were.  Now I know better.  I will never believe words of love without the corresponding actions to back them up and the action had better be consistent.
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« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2011, 12:50:18 AM »

It has been awhile since my break up with the NPDbf and thank the heavens, I am over him. The hardest part of the journey toward acceptance and healing was indeed letting go of the words that were said, for those very words and actions in the relationship were what kept me stuck and enmeshed for a long while.

In the very beginning, when I was cautious and reserved, he came to my home and said "I know exactly what I want, I know exactly who I am, I know you are hesitant but please hear me, I love you, I want you, and I will do whatever it takes to win your trust. Doubt my words, but watch my behavior, I will show you, every day, how very much I want you, us and this relationship. I know what I want and what I want is you.

And for many months his behavior matched his words, he was-without a doubt- thoughtful, considerate and present in my life. A rock. And then, within a few short weeks he changed. We were together for almost three years, they were (at that time) the happiest years of my life, with the exception of the times when I gave birth to my children. I was extremely happy and felt loved and safe. The absolute confusion I felt when this man looked at me and said " I will give you no second thought, I have always felt I could give or take this relationship". Dumbfounded, shocked, and without an anchor and adrift at sea was my response. It was one of the worst conversations of my life.

You cannot cling to the words or even the actions of a pwBPD-or NPD. You must accept the mask when it slips and reveals what lies beneath-then, and only then, can a person move on. I have. But I paid a price.

C
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« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2011, 01:43:22 AM »

I needed to see this. Especially tonight. I've had a rough day and cried when I saw this.

Mine said some of the same things as those above, good and bad.

I'm seeing I'm not the only one. Makes me feel better.
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« Reply #12 on: September 01, 2011, 06:26:06 AM »

Yup, the same words to different people.

Act 1

"You make me whole"

"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"

"I want to die in your arms"

"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"

I want to make old bones with you.

"You are the love of my life"

"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"

He Painted "I love you Shannon" on every piece of timber he could find.

Act 1 (mistress)

"You make me whole"

"I have never loved someone so much in all my life"

"I want to die in your arms"

"When I see two old people walking down the road  holding hands, I know that will be us"

I want to make old bones with you.

"You are the love of my life"

"I cant picture my life without you, you  mean everything to me"

He Painted "I love you Co**********" on every piece of timber he could find.
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« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2011, 09:08:01 AM »

My honeymoon phase lasted a year. For that entire year her words and actions showed me that she loved me. I have said before that I am not a person that believes in all that soulmate forever crap, but she convinced me without a doubt that it was real... .sigh. It wasn't until she started to devalue me, that her words and actions no longer matched. In fact near the end of our relationship, she hardly ever said "I love you" to me anymore. I made a point of telling her everyday how much I loved her and how beautiful I thought she was... .I hardly ever got it back.

During our break up process when she had someone else waiting in the wings for her, she treated me so badly and went out of her way to hurt me. I mean she became so petty and vindictive. She knew what would cause me great pain, and did it. How does one do that to someone that they swore was their "soulmate"? I have broken up with people before, and have never gone out of my way to purposely hurt someone, nor have any of my exes done anything like that to me How does one ever get over being treated like that?
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« Reply #14 on: September 01, 2011, 11:50:05 AM »

The worst one by far was, "I would have ended up cheating on you because I have nothing left for you but resentment and disinterest."
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« Reply #15 on: September 01, 2011, 12:35:06 PM »

Ohhh, yes those loving words... .He used to write me poems that would melt my heart... .

He told me that I was his "rapture", his "joy"... .I was "the one"... .

And the words he said to me over and over again... .

"I love you, I adore you, I crave you and I live to be with you... ."


The incongruence made me feel "insecure" and "confused"... .His actions were, at times, bizarre even early on during the "idealization" phase... .Knowing what I now know, I think it was all part of his "push/pull" stuff... .I guess I'll never really understand it... .It was all a huge mindfxck... .

All I know for sure is that he broke my heart into a million pieces and I am trying with everything inside of me to "heal and recover"... .He has found a new source of "rapture"... .I imagine that he's telling her all these same things? Surreal?

WhiteDoe
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timebomb
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« Reply #16 on: September 01, 2011, 04:57:40 PM »

Mine used to send me the most beutiful letters and cards and love trinkets... i thought i had finally found the one... we had some really great times together and then one day it was like a light switch going off... she was done with me! she went back home... and i didn't hear from her for three months. I e-mailed her asking what happened... why did she 'abandon" me. i got a simple goodbye and no closure. It's the hardest thing to wrap your mind around... how could someone do this ? how could they just get so ice cold all of a sudden? I still have not recovered.
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« Reply #17 on: December 29, 2011, 03:17:08 PM »

This one hurts. It goes against everything I believe.

My BPDxgf writes poetry. One of them said that no matter how far she wanders, she will always come back to me.

She referenced the poem again when she broke up with me. She said she still means it. She will come back to me, just maybe not as a romantic partner.
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« Reply #18 on: December 29, 2011, 05:40:49 PM »

I had all this but it was not immediately. . .at first he was charming, attentive, flirtatious, complimentary

After about a year or so came romantic meals, poetry, paintings, music. . .plus all the above

After a few years it got more intensive. . .plus all the above and his actions matched his words

I love you

I adore you

I've never loved a woman like i love you

I was born to love you

My life would be a very dark place without you

Then. . .bam and just before we broke up he read a card he sent me i had on the shelf of my bedroom. . .full of the above mentioned poetry/romantic words. . .he looked at me and said (surprised/quizzical) "did i write that" - it was  horrible, as if he couldn't imagine feeling that way about me.
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« Reply #19 on: December 29, 2011, 11:27:19 PM »

Forgot my jacket when I left - "I'm sleeping with your hoodie"

About other relationships -"Until now, I have chosen women that are ball busting bi*****" and leave me with unmet needs."  Do I fulfill your needs?  "OMG, YES!"

Regarding ex:  ":)o you think she was ever able to connect with me at so many levels the way you do?"

How he feels about me with my head on his chest and his eyes closed:  "******, you are in my heart"

When a kindness was done by me (crying): "I am so undeserving... .SO undeserving... ."

When he was done with me and went back to ex in a nanosecond:  "I am IN LOVE with her and she is IN LOVE WITH ME!"   

Wow... .

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« Reply #20 on: January 18, 2012, 03:45:12 PM »

He wrote me countless emails, letters, poems, and wore a ring of mine around his neck on a string. He also Wanted my tee shirt to smell. A few weeks later he returned everything in a zip lOck bag.

When will I get over this?
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« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2012, 11:32:54 AM »

WOW I never get the mushy love you forever words from my UBPDH. what I got one time was a laundry list of how I make him feel, or the things I DO for him that soothe him.

When looked at objectively it looks like a *useful* list-the things he needs me to do for him that he cannot do for himself!

Tasks or behaviors that make me necessary to his well being. Not loved. Just necessary.

No special gifts,(LOL gifts are a whole 'nother post!) poems, trinkets, cards , letters... .Nada.

I believe he spent his *love you forever* currency on the married woman that dumped him after about a month of sex on the side and coffee dates- several months before he met me!

He never has told me I am wonderful, beautiful, cherished... .I wish! (although he has no problem complimenting others... .he is hard pressed to value me personally and SAY SO)

that hurts-I need to hear that I have value to him-and I have discussed it with him-and ... .it's just not there. He sees things easily to value in others.(they are cute, funny, wonderful, helpful sexy, friendly, kind... .and on and on) But he never EVER says those things to me! And I am his wife.

He does things for me-he got me a pet that I really adore and enjoy. He paid for my new phone and i-Pad that I wanted.  He's still a good listener, and shares his day with me. He snuggles and holds my hand even in public-my first H NEVER did that.

I am finding that with activities like housework or yardwork he is demanding and bossy-and that gets my hackles up. He will ask for my *help* and then proceed to boss me around like a slave, and pick apart my efforts. I dislike being treated like a clumsy 10 year old helping their dad do chores!

So I now draw boundaries around how much I will invest in *helping* him with chores. If he starts nagging or belittling me-I walk away.

ALSO I am finding that with the actions he completes on my behalf... .he wants/claims inordinate credit! Thus, If I fail to react adequately-I am DOOMED... .and my too-mild reaction can trigger a rage.

When he rages he tells me how ungrateful, meanhearted, critical, negative, spiteful and unhappy I am. He's FAST and LOUD with the bad stuff!

He had a terrific internal struggle just saying he loved me OUT LOUD after our first recycle. In fact he BEGGED me tearfully to not make him SAY it! I believe that was b/c he was still smarting from being rejected by the married woman he left me for-the hookup didn't work out for him. I believe he idealized her tremendously. He always spoke of her in the MOST glowing terms, she could do no wrong. It seems they always yearn for what they cannot have.

To this DAY he denies all of that.

He now easily says he loves me but it's said with the same ardor that people say they like peanut butter or potato chips... .(or even LESS!) I believe he's just learned how to mouth the words.

A lot of what he IS, is a mask. But we are so close up to them it's hard to see where the mask begins-and they leave off.

So I am in the process of trying to view the r/s from a less emotional distance now... .More of an Observer than a Participant.

GL



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« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2012, 11:55:42 AM »

I believe the nice things she said to me because they are true!  Smiling (click to insert in post)  I am special and there are many people who will love me, and potentially be a life-long partner. 

I took most of the negative things with a grain of salt, fixed what I thought she was right about and moved on... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2012, 10:41:40 PM »

It seems like clinging to either the "hurtful" or "loving" words can be very painful.  Reliving those moments had me in a holding pattern for awhile.  

A lot of misleading things are said to us everyday life and we simply filter it out.  But in these relationships we cling to words.

We have to let go.  Be kind to yourselves.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

GM
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« Reply #24 on: April 21, 2012, 05:20:17 PM »

I deleted or destroyed everything she ever wrote to me. I can read it all on here anyway as dialogue spoken by the ex-partners of people who post, depersonalised and in the context of discussion of an illness. It's hard to cling on to something that's just a symptom of an attachment disorder, and I think deep down I always knew in my heart as well as my mind that she wasn't expressing love but a desperate need for the object of the moment to save her. She's probably said the same things to a few people again, by now, with similar eventual breakdowns in her personal relationships. That's what they do.
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« Reply #25 on: April 21, 2012, 09:07:24 PM »

I did the same along with pictures and gifts and rings. It helped me to move on.  My last tie to her is this board. It is the only time I think of her anymore. I suppose that means I should move on.  Smiling (click to insert in post) 

I deleted or destroyed everything she ever wrote to me. I can read it all on here anyway as dialogue spoken by the ex-partners of people who post, depersonalised and in the context of discussion of an illness. It's hard to cling on to something  that's just a symptom of an attachment disorder, and I think deep down I always knew in my heart as well as my mind that she wasn't expressing love but a desperate need for the object of the moment to save her. She's probably said the same things to a few people again, by now, with similar eventual breakdowns in her personal relationships. That's what they do.

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« Reply #26 on: May 20, 2012, 05:54:40 PM »

Yep... .

He love bombed me... .

Gave me an engagement ring... .so I committed... Even when he started acting like the Tasmainian Devil...

He was looking for my replacement... and disparaging me behind my back ... The whole time...

Words are cheap... .never again... .show me the money!
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« Reply #27 on: May 20, 2012, 06:42:41 PM »

Cathy

I noticed you're looking at the beliefs Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) .  They help with detachment.  I know it hurts and keep working on you and things you know now.  I learned a lot about relationships and character from this.

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lessonslearned
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« Reply #28 on: July 10, 2012, 11:02:40 PM »

I always said to her that the thing I loved most was they way she spoke to me.

However, that didn't include: "I'm proud I haven't F'd someone else yet," or "if I have to wait a full year to live with you I might lose interest," or "I can get anyone," or "you're cheap," or "Ive never contributed this much," or "sometimes commitment means leaving."

She dumped me the day after saying "you're my best friend and I love you" - she even told everyone after she left that I love him so f'n much"

match between words and actions? ZERO

I guess I got caught up in the words too - never again.
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« Reply #29 on: July 11, 2012, 09:34:40 PM »

Lessonslearned,

It is so hard to reconcile what they say with what they do. Some of what they say is down right cruel. it is awfully hard to reconcile the "goodness" with the "mean, cruel, uncaring part of my ex. That's the hardest. I keep remembering the kind, attentive, loving part of her. I know I can't get it back, but I still want it.
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« Reply #30 on: July 11, 2012, 10:51:13 PM »

Lessonslearned,

It is so hard to reconcile what they say with what they do. Some of what they say is down right cruel. it is awfully hard to reconcile the "goodness" with the "mean, cruel, uncaring part of my ex. That's the hardest. I keep remembering the kind, attentive, loving part of her. I know I can't get it back, but I still want it.

I have actually reached a point where i CAN reconcile the two... .neither were particularly real... .the "good stuff" was more of a manipulation (but was felt as real/genuine by her, and accepted readily as real by a hungry me) to keep me with her and bond me to her, because in my idealized form I was "going to be" her savior, and had enough value for her to do everything to keep me. That's why she was afraid to lose me, and that's why she was so good to me.

When I became real and fallible, and had needs and boundaries, and couldn't be controlled, (after the honeymoon phase), I could no longer sustain the fantasy of rescuing her, and she was "wrong again" and needed to keep looking, made up an excuse (or focused on/exaggerated an existing one) and left.

She needs a fantasy, because she's lost. I feel compassion, and even gratitude for the lessons I have learned. I'm a better man for it. She was a bearer of a needed lesson for me. Life is good.
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« Reply #31 on: July 12, 2012, 07:48:40 AM »

I have actually reached a point where i CAN reconcile the two... .neither were particularly real... .the "good stuff" was more of a manipulation (but was felt as real/genuine by her, and accepted readily as real by a hungry me) to keep me with her and bond me to her, because in my idealized form I was "going to be" her savior, and had enough value for her to do everything to keep me. That's why she was afraid to lose me, and that's why she was so good to me.

When I became real and fallible, and had needs and boundaries, and couldn't be controlled, (after the honeymoon phase), I could no longer sustain the fantasy of rescuing her, and she was "wrong again" and needed to keep looking, made up an excuse (or focused on/exaggerated an existing one) and left.

This sounds perfectly accurate in my case, too... .very well-articulated!
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« Reply #32 on: August 26, 2012, 10:33:44 PM »

I`m so lucky to have found you.

You are an amazing girl.

You are so important to me. (after a fight)

I love being with you!

I really love sleeping and waking up with you.

Trust me baby I wouldn`t do anything to hurt you ... (ugh!)

I miss holding you! (when I went to parents cabin one weekend)

You`re my baby and I`m so happy to be with you!

I`m so happy and lucky to have you as my girl

I miss you! (he said this a lot)

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« Reply #33 on: August 29, 2012, 06:59:33 PM »

Just adding mine so you see the pattern.  How do they all come equipped with these?

"You get me"

"You are it for me"

"I knew from day one I had to have you in some capacity forever"

"When I hug you, I feel complete finally" (many long hugs)

"You make me feel alive"

The idealization phase was intimidating.  I was constantly telling her I wasn't "perfect".  She claimed I was "for her". 

She interpreted my dreams, studied "twin flame ideology", claimed to have seen me in dreams all her life blahblah

No, I was never a subscriber to that crap, but she was convincing.  Sung me songs, wrote stories, dedicated crap. 

Scarier red flag quotes

"You make me crazy"

"I fall apart when I see you"

"I'm gonna make you forget any other woman ever"

"I'm gonna learn what makes you tick"

"I want to crawl inside your guts when were making love"

":)on't ever piss me off"
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« Reply #34 on: August 29, 2012, 07:25:06 PM »

"I am completely in love with you" --- after 3 weeks!  |>

"You're the love of my life"

"I can't believe this is happening" -- about us getting together

"When I ask you to marry me"

"I'm so happy I've finally found the one for me"

"You're the one for me baby"

"You're my best friend, my soulmate"

"No one is as nice to me as you are"

"You're out of my league"

"I know how lucky I am to have you"

"You make me so happy"

"I'll never leave you"

And some others I'll remember... .

"I'd kill myself if anything ever happened to you" -- after 4 weeks

"I've often thought about killing myself"

"How you feel when you die is how you feel forever" -- two seconds after the suicide talk

"I'm not good at relationships"

"Are you sure you want this type of life? Get out while you can"

"We don't get on"

"You drive me crazy"

"I don't recognise myself around you"

"I'm always meant to be unhappy and alone"
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« Reply #35 on: August 29, 2012, 09:23:05 PM »



She gave me the entire BPD repertoire - how I was her soul mate, how she loved me more than she had thought she could possibly love anyone, how no one besides me understood her, how we were meant to be together... .all of that. [/quote]
I heard these exact words- word for word. I thought it meant something back then until she would silently rage. Her actions and words were different. Except when she was an occasional raging maniac.

Words and actions are different. I hung on to the pwBPDs words, but holding onto something that does not exist and never did is meaningless. Just some rambling ony part
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« Reply #36 on: August 29, 2012, 09:31:09 PM »

Oh yes, he did say we were soul mates, I was the love of his life, we were met to be together, he couldnt imagine life without me, and oh yes... .

he also said he would kill me... .and he had a hammer in his hand.

I am still alive so that proves he doesn't mean what he says... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #37 on: August 30, 2012, 04:20:31 PM »

I've never loved anyone the way I love you.

Marry me(3 weeks in) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I want you to have my children, I want to see the creation of our love - Then he'd rub my belly every night and say it was a "holy place"

No one understands me the way you do

Love letters every.single.day.

___________________

*It sickens me to talk to you, I wish you never walked into my life and that you ceased to exist

*I'm leaving and there's nothing you can do about it.  I've had it with you, I've reached my limit(2 weeks after marriage)

*I walked in the line of oncoming traffic because I couldn't live without you(the day after he announced he's had it with me and left)

*"It" isn't mine.  I want a paternity test.  Whore.

*I never met such a senseless, moronic idiot until I met you. 

*I don't love you.  I never did. 

And the creepy things... .

"I hope you never forget me.  I'll make sure you don't.  If we ever split I hope you grieve me for the rest of your life and never are able to move on"(and he wasn't angry when he said this, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

Woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me that if I ever cheated on him and brought home an STD, he'd beat me.  I looked at him like he was insane and he said "Are you thinking you wouldn't DESERVE to be hit?  God you're so selfish." 

"I can't promise I wouldn't ever lay my hands on you or your mother." 


I was really embarrassed writing this out at first.  I found myself wanting to insert snarky comments to downplay how it made me feel... .But the truth of the matter is, all of it makes me feel horrible.  I never heard a middle ground thing come out of his mouth in all the time I've known him.  I feel like the joke was on me. 




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« Reply #38 on: August 31, 2012, 09:20:38 AM »

Yes, the clinging to the good is why I guess I keep hoping.

There's that part in my mind where I say to myself, it couldn't have all been BS and illness, right? It felt so real! I could see it in his eyes! His voice sounded so sincere... .yada yada. And I did believe I was quite a catch. I was a good woman to him. And some days he would tell me that. And then on other days I was a worthless piece of ___ that ruined his whole life.

We were together for 3 years. His BPD came out within a few months. In the beginning, he was the most charming, attentive and romantic man I had ever encountered. I fell in love with him.

Even later when he would accuse me of being a bad person, bad mom, a whore, and a drug addict he would follow it up with the nicest things ever said. I think I just wanted to believe so badly he really thought I was his "sunshine". When he went off on me and then I got really mad back, he almost always right away wanted to make nice again. I never knew which guy he was going to be day-to-day.

So as I sit here now after being broke up for 8 months I still think of those times good and bad. We went basically NC for 7 of these months, other than a couple of texts where there was not much said. I was still angry as hell. Then I decided to write him a letter forgiving him. I needed to forgive him. I'm still not happy he treated me that way but I need to heal and wanted to let him know I'm doing okay. And we've emailed back and forth a couple times since. He says he misses me and my kids. Said he thinks about all our good memories every single day. Told me he would probably never meet anyone as compatible as we were. I want to hear those things so I can feel loved by him still. I told him I was sorry for my part in the dysfunction. That I missed our good times too.

He sent me a song Buckcherry's I'm Sorry and simply said every time he hears that song it makes him want to cry. I want to believe he's sorry, of course. So I email him back and have heard nothing from him in 5 days.

So I sit and wonder what's going through his head. For the last couple of weeks I have gotten it into my head that I wanted to follow the advice on the Staying board and even though it would be difficult, I wanted us to be back together. But since he doesn't seem to want to stay in regular contact I can't help but think I'm just getting suckered again. So I keep sitting here running through my head all these potential senerios.

And then yesterday, for the first time since we broke up, I decided to check out his Facebook page. Not smart, I know, but after all the reading I've done on here I wanted to see if maybe he's seeing someone and just playing me. Two years ago I had caught him going on Adult Friend Finder, so I've always had it in the back of my mind (since he always labeled me untrustworthy) that he was the shady one. At the time he just claimed he used his friends account to check out some girl he had found on there. Then later he told me it was to check to see if I was on there (as if!).  So I never knew what to make of my discovery. So anyway... .I go to his FB and there's not much on there except back in May he posted something "having a really great weekend with a really great friend. Thanks so much sweetie. Hope to have many more great weekend in the future with you". It stung.

There's nothing else after that. Which leads me to believe it didn't work out in his favor. But then I feel like I'm half-BPD for getting all bent out of shape about it. We are broke up after all. I've been on a few dates myself (nothing great). Then I remember what I read here about how they say these things and attach themselves to others quickly. Just like me, right?

I don't know how I should feel anymore. I thought I was willing to do the work to make us work. But that takes two. And I'm not sure I can go back to the isolation and verbal abuse and put on a smile about it. So now I'm back to the frame of mind where I need to stop being co-dependent and stop deluding my poor heart.

Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, please!
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« Reply #39 on: November 17, 2012, 12:45:54 PM »

I'm struggling through all parts of my uBPDexgf.

What's on my now is the things that she said because I just started rounding up cards she gave me.  I've read a lot of messages on here that it's often our own issues that kept us in relationships with BPD spouses.  That may be true, but at numerous points in the relationship, I tried to set boundaries and care for myself.  Sometimes, when those boundaries were crossed (especially early on in the relationship), she would acknowledge that she created a lot of drama in our relationship.  She would sometimes apologize for the "baggage" she brought into the relationship.

This one card I just read really stood out.  The print on the card, a quote by someone named Catherine Slater, said:

"I let you down, and I'm sorry.  I'm not going to make excuses--that wouldn't be fair to you.  You deserve someone who respects you and puts the relationship first, and from now on, I want to do whatever it takes to be that person.  There's nothing more important to me than you and our relationship--I'm so very lucky to have you, and I know it.  Please be patient with me as I try to prove to you just how sorry I am, just how much I want to make things right... .and just how much I love you." 

Then my uBPDexgf wrote her own message:

"I've done many things to let you down.  I have a lot of work to do to prove my love to you.  I cherish you, every part of you, and I know I want to be together with you as long as we live.  I love you."

It was times like this during the relationship that helped me hang on and believe in my ex, because I believe she sometimes "got it."  She knew she hurt my feelings and gave indications that she wanted to be a better person for herself, for me, and for our relationship.  I believed in her SO MUCH, and I still do to this very day.  I love her with all of my heart.  I feel so terrible for my own shortcomings and failures in the relationship, and for the reality that she was abandoned by her father at a very young age.  It wasn't fair to her and as a child--she deserved to have stability, love, and support.  I hope she finds out about her issues and deals with them someday because from the bottom of my heart I'd like to see her happy.  More than anything, I wanted that happiness to be with me, but she cut me out of her life after an extended period of devaluation, smear campaigns, dissociation, emotional turmoil, etc.  I know it's not my responsibility to help her and I tried to get her to see a therapist but, unfortunately, she never gave therapy a chance. 

I miss and love her with every part of my soul.  Deep down, she's someone who can be such an AMAZING person, but the horrors and tribulation of life have made her into the person she is (maybe genetics too.)  I have such empathy for her despite the fact that she hurt me dearly. 

I posted this because I wish that the things she said would have matched her actions in the relationship.  Unfortunately, they often didn't--especially in the end.  I HATE BPD.  I hate that she deals with this, and I hate that she has to endure her own turmoil and pain.

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« Reply #40 on: November 17, 2012, 07:51:44 PM »

JP... .  I feel your pain deeply... .  I didn't want the breakup I am currently enduring... .any of the many many times I've endured it.  And each time it's gotten harder because it happens every time we've gotten close. 

My ex (and it pains me beyond belief to say that "ex" - I hate it) very rarely admitted his side of how screwed up our relationship is... .  never coming close to suggesting that he might have a disorder, just acknowledging when he's lied or reacted harshly.

Although to be honest, it's been extremely rare that he's acknowledged how harsh he has been... .

But I really relate to your posts because I am going through the exact same pain right now... .   

Regarding the words and actions matching... .  my bf has been extremely vague much of the time we have been together... .  which is why I really can't say for certain how long we have been.  He says far far far more hurtful things to me - I can't tell you how many times I have been told what a liar I am, how untrustworthy I am, how ungrateful I am, how selfish I am, to f off, to never contact him again... .the painful list goes on... .  the "I love yous"... .  have come for sure... .  but when they do, the rage is sure to follow with blame for some imaginary wrong doing that used to catch me off guard... .even when it doesn't catch me off guard, it's impossible to prevent... .  i've tried... .  I know many of the triggers although definitely not all... .

Ugh.  I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of not being able to make the hurting stop... .

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« Reply #41 on: November 17, 2012, 09:19:55 PM »

Take2, I'm right there with you.

Whenever we would have close moments, she would pull back immediately.  I remember one time we were laying in bed having this unbelievable moment and I said "I want to have a baby with you."  Well she almost immediately flipped out, and I said that didn't mean it literally (I HONESTLY didn't), and that I meant it more symbolically.  I said that what I meant was that I loved the idea of creating something with her... .for us to share something... .for us to be one.  Well, it didn't stop her.  She kept flipping out.  I tried offering every form of proof that I was just trying to express a desire to be close with her, and she kept pulling away.  She kept pointing to that moment throughout the relationship even thought I told her that I just wanted to be close.

There were so many amazing moments that she would almost immediately take steps to ruin if she felt she was getting too close / enmeshed (a common issue with pwBPD.)  God I wish she just went with them so we could have enjoyed the best of each other.  We deserved those great moments but she wouldn't let them happen... .for long, anyway.

I am really sorry that you're enduring a similar experience.  My heart goes out to you because I am utterly devastated, and I'm sure you are too.  It just doesn't make sense to me (I guess it's not supposed to if we're dealing with ex's who have a disorder), but we are where we are.

I'm sorry you had to hear such abuse from your ex.  I was guilty of saying mean things sometimes, but you would not believe the things I heard from my ex (or maybe you would because you dealt with the same disorder!)  She'd often say these things while dissociating (in a sort of fog like state) where she would conveniently "forget" everything she said, and would later say she didn't say such nasty things or would reinvent the history to avoid accountability (this is called gaslighting.)

I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply.  I truly, truly am.  I am too.  We don't deserve this.  We deserve to be loved, supported, appreciated, and treated with respect.  You deserve to have your love reciprocated equally, and you deserve to have a relationship with compromise.  Keep writing.  It helps.  I'm listening every step of the way and I COMPLETELY empathize with your pain. 

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« Reply #42 on: November 17, 2012, 10:06:22 PM »

Thanks JP... .it does help to write... .and your post really touches me... .

And yes... .it's truly unbelievable how my bf/ex has rewritten our history.  Every time things change slightly and in the beginning I thought it was me.  I can be forgetful - I have a TON on my plate between my job, my daughter and my elderly father.  Between my own brain overload all the time and often simply my desire to avoid intensifying the rages, I would agree to something just to make it stop.  And then if things became clear at some other point - as in I remembered, someone else told me what happened, whatever - if I disagreed with whatever I had originally agreed to more rage... .

I can sometimes actually look at him and see the rage, when he's not even raging at me.  And I sometimes have wished that was all I could see so I could let go.  But then he'd change expression or look at me in a way that really, no one ever has.  And it melts my heart. 

It just kills to have tried SO hard and feel that all my efforts have pretty much been discarded/overlooked. 

It's not like I haven't been in love before.  It's not like I can't get other dates.  I cannot imagine getting involved with someone else.  I am sure some day I'll be able to - I am strong enough inside to realize that.  But that he is on a date right now ?

Kills me.  Just kills me.  Someone I talked to about it last week was like "haven't you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You" ?   Ouch - yeah, uh, I know the concept.  I'm not delusional (despite that I've questioned my own sanity so much).  I KNOW when someone is into me and not.  And while it likely sounds crazy at this point, I do know he loves me.  At least as of yesterday.  (Kind of a joke that hits way too close to home for me to say anything more on that... .)

I know everyone says to focus on ourselves and see why we have allowed ourselves to remain in such abusive situations.  And I am trying so hard to focus on that.  But truly, I still want to stay.  I understand how physically abused women (and men) stay.  I can't even believe it but I do.  Although I admit that I've realized that for quite a long time now.  What blows me away is that it's ME saying this.  Apparently I AM this girl though.

I know the feeling of trying to offer every form of proof that you were only trying to express a positive desire.  I have had daily arguments regarding what I actually said versus what he somehow translated it to in his head.  I have often blamed it on texting and the inability to not read tone - there is a lot to that.  But now that I've read that those with BPD can interpret a neutral facial image as an angry one, it makes me wonder about the way he interprets words. 

Earlier today as I sobbed that per his texts last night (which told me that during the last two years with me, I subjected him to daily humiliation at work and ripped his soul out) - that no one would deserve that experience and I told him that we clearly experienced two different experiences in our relationship, he told me in response that I tend to interpret what he says incorrectly.  Even as I sobbed I was tempted to point out it was pretty impossible to misinterpret that kind of statement but I opted to let it go rather than start an argument.  It was pointless.  Plus sadly, he's said those types of things to me so many times, I'm ashamed to admit that it is par for the course... .

The one thing he never did was have those "fog" moments.  I don't quite understand that.  He definitely forgot things - and it took me a long time to figure that out - because I would always take the blame for being the one to get things wrong and think I'd forgotten until there were several work related things that helped clarify it for me.   

I so appreciate you being here right now... .I am listening to... .and you are so so right... .we don't deserve this type of pain... .we deserve love... .we deserve trust... .we deserve true happiness shared with a supportive partner... .   

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« Reply #43 on: November 17, 2012, 10:43:14 PM »

You definitely have way too much on your plate right now. The truth is that you desperately need some time to focus on yourself... .to have some moments to relax, to meditate, to bring some peace to you life. It seems that life is pulling at you from all sides right now. I'm so sorry for that.

I know what you're saying with respect to our ex's. They have touched us deeper than anyone ever has and more than anyone ever could. They feel like our one true soul mate. It sounds kind of weird, but since my ex left, it's felt like there has been some violation to the natural order of things. To the way things are supposed to be.  The love I have for her is so indescribably deep and true.  Ending this relationship didn't even seem possible to me because I was so 100% sure that we would spend all our days together.  And I mean SO SURE.

There were so many experiences I had with her that almost felt metaphysical / supernatural in nature too. Like it there was higher meaning or that it was meant to be. I know it sounds weird... .believe me I felt the same thing. But all in all, I have never felt so close to someone in my life, and I have never felt so much love as we experienced.  She touched the very deepest parts of my soul. 

But then she destroyed me too and threw me away like garbage. So what does that say? 

Did your ex ever try therapy?

Listen, you deserve HAPPINESS.  If you're not getting what you deserve then you should draw a line in the sand. You seem like a really nice person who has so much to offer.  Realize that and get what you deserve! 
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« Reply #44 on: November 17, 2012, 10:59:14 PM »

Honestly JP its as if I wrote your words. That is EXACTLY how I feel about him. And I too have never come close to feeling that with another person. Not even my ex husband.

Even the multiple times I knew things couldn't work with my exBPD,  I have been drawn in closer and closer to the point of believing we really are meant to be together and that I would just try and help us thru the painful times... .

No he has never been to therapy. I have told him many: times how his father was abusive but he laughs it off. The man was clearly severely physically and emotionally abusive and the mom apparently favored the middle brother substantially over the ex and the oldest brother.

But admitting someone needs help is simply not done in that family.

I can admit that I am still not done feeling that we are truly meant for each other.

But when he told me the other day that I am like a drug to him I admit it made me feel yet again like I must be the damaging person.

I'm going to try and sleep to try to stop checking for his text that apparently isn't coming ... .

You too deserve happiness JP.

You have truly helped me tonight.

Thank you so much... .

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« Reply #45 on: November 19, 2012, 10:09:44 PM »

 
Excerpt
Someone I talked to about it last week was like "haven't you ever read "He's Just Not That Into You" ?

I read the book and I think it is pretty flippant about the devastation a person feels at the end of a relationship. It's hard to go from being adored and idealized to suddenly being told you were never much to them to begin with. It's hard to wrap yourself around the fact that the relationship is over and face the reality when the relationship was formed on deep desires and dreams.

The couple bond one forms with a PD person is different due to the intensity of the coupling of our unmet needs reflected and then fulfilled by another person. This reflection (or projection) is unexpected. When you look over the beginning of the relationship, wasn't the intensity different than any you had ever experienced? Didn't it feel like the Hollywood version of love... not the gradual progression of a relationship and sharing but more like BOOM you are a couple... the dust settles, the head clears and your "only one" is at your side. When you have an unexpected event that is pleasant, you remember it with emotional intensity. Ever have a surprise party thrown for you and it was great? This is very different than a planned birthday dinner with the usual expected company. That is how we form our relationships with a BPD- unexpected and pleasurable. Everyone of us on these boards has stated the same thing, "this relationship was so different", and yes, a relationship with a PD person is different.

The nature of push-pull in a relationship is addictive, we are pushed aside and we wait for the pulling, for the time or moment our PD S/O returns to their former, loving self. When it happens, the rush of relief we feel, or at least that I felt, was intoxicating in its release. We were us again, the words and promises were spoken again, the bump in the road passed... .until their disorder reigned again and we are left to sort through the memories and Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) 's of what brought us to this place.

Right now, concentrating on yourself is hard, it was for me, and still can be, when I thought of him so often. Remembering who I am as a single person is difficult, because the bond of "us" was strong. I lost myself in the relationship and now the hard work of finding me again and figuring out why I am attracted to disordered people isn't as easy as loving someone else. Loving me is the hard work, loving him was easy.  ;p  
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« Reply #46 on: November 20, 2012, 05:37:35 AM »

You're so right, C12P21... .  I am addicted to the push pull.  I have been pushed farther away than ever before and the more I fall apart, and try to show love, the worse it has gotten.  Yet the few (very few) times I have not fallen to pieces, but been strong?  he's still there.  I wonder at what point he begins the push pull.  Of course I wonder since he went on a first date on Saturday and not only has plans again with this person on Friday, but said maybe before that too.  Wow really?  He told me, "well she didn't invite me to Thanksgiving" - like that was supposed to make me feel better.  I was like "uh, you just met her, of course she didn't invite you to Thanksgiving".

I am so ready to start therapy and start the work of focusing on me and why I am so incredibly stuck in a place where someone has hurt me so badly and continues to do so daily.  (We work together - very impossible to avoid.)

Yes - this person did and still truly does feel like the one person I have ever truly felt was my soulmate.   Even though I've known for so long how disordered he is.  Even though he's been so incredibly cruel to me. 

It's very hard to detach. 

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« Reply #47 on: November 20, 2012, 07:42:45 AM »

Some of the things my exBPD said to me were:

I love spending time with you

I adore you

You are my best friend, I would do anything for you

I really want to snuggle

You are really sexy

I love how you smell

When you think back at these words you actually realise just how generic they were.  I also think that myexpd really did love me, but had such a horrendous and traumatic upbringing that she would never be 100% stable even with some councilling. But then on the other hand you do wonder if they really loved you, as if they wouldn't they have righted some of the wrongs that they had committed? For example fixing soured family and friend relationships on your side? Really is a confusing relationship to get over... .

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« Reply #48 on: November 20, 2012, 03:04:06 PM »

It's a hard thing to accept that they're never going to get better.  That's one of the reasons that so many of us hold on to hope.

I would equate it to someone being in a coma.  Sometimes they're "in there" and they come back, while others don't.  I think that deep down, EVERYONE has the desire to feel happiness at their emotional core.  And I think the vast majority of us want to share love with someone.

I don't think that pwBPD want to be this way, but so many of them don't want to take the steps to get better.  There's the rub.  They want to connect with someone so deeply and permanently, yet their walls/denial protect them from awareness of their disorder, their deep seeded irrational fears and survival instincts make them want to run away when they shouldn't, and the normalcy of everything leads them to repeat the same cycle over and over and over.  It's truly sad.  And it affects not only them, but so many of the people that they end up involved with.

I still believe in my uBPDexgf.  I think she is just such an amazing person when she wants to be, and she just needs to break through her glass ceiling.  I love her with all of my heart and I wish she didn't have to face these demons.  Unfortunately, she just doesn't know that their is a better, safer, happier world out there with real, lasting, dependable love if she gets help she needs. 

I wish I knew more about BPD before everything ended.  I would have handled many of our interactions so differently based on what I've learned.  It makes me very sad that I didn't... .

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« Reply #49 on: January 03, 2013, 09:11:51 AM »

I was always told, I am so hard, everyone quits on me, no one understands me, I am too much. I always said, I don't think you're too hard! I understand you. I will never quit on you!

That phrase, I will never quit on you, is haunting me to death! I want nothing more than to quit on her right now, 2 months of NC by her, and I am unable to quit! It is tearing me apart inside. I promised I would never quit. Even as she is texting me back when I try to engage, she write I am calling the police if you contact me again. I am filing a restraining order against you if you text again, all the while, I am asking, begging, not begging, doing whatever I can, to understand why again she has left!

And I cannot forget those words, everyone quits on me, and here I am, unwilling to quit and my heart is turning into mus, my head is hurting trying to understand, my emotions are frazzled... .  and why do I still do this?

Only God knows, because the reality is, she wants and needs me to quit and I cannot see the right now, what she has done... I still hold on!
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« Reply #50 on: January 03, 2013, 12:27:31 PM »

she wants and needs me to quit and I cannot see the right now

You do realize this because you just wrote it. Why can't you act on it? You didn't quit on her. She quit on you. You were true to your word so what really keeps you stuck?
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« Reply #51 on: January 05, 2013, 03:42:39 AM »

Excerpt
I am so ready to start therapy and start the work of focusing on me and why I am so incredibly stuck in a place where someone has hurt me so badly and continues to do so daily

So glad you are going to therapy and starting the work on focusing on YOU. As you progress in T, you will probably discover that the stuck place you feel, is due to FOO rather than the present relationship. It sounds so crazy, doesn't it? That our present R/S has ties with the our origins, but as crazy as it sounds... .  it is usually the reason we started the R/s with them. The dynamics of our FOO comes into play in our R/s with our partners... .  and it is one of the reasons we feel so bonded to them.

Excerpt
It's very hard to detach.   

Yes it is, because you loved this person and felt close to them, as well as the promises they made. In time, you will detach from them and bond to someone even better than your partner, you will discover you... the person you needed to understand all along.

The beginning of these relationships consumes us, or at least, it did me. Finding out the depths of my suffering, why the words that were said was so important took time to uncover, but the work in that unraveling was worth it because in the end, I understood me so much more and eventually-him.

I wish you well on your journey. 

C

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« Reply #52 on: January 05, 2013, 06:19:32 AM »

Yes, Take2. I relate to your experience entirely. Thank you!
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« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2013, 09:51:02 PM »

This has been a great thread for me, as I too, have held onto all the same words.  I actually feel like I can now delete 5 years whole of emails.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: January 06, 2013, 01:20:48 AM »

trouble
I actually feel like I can now delete 5 years whole of emails.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Isn't it a good feeling to let go some dead weight?
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« Reply #55 on: January 06, 2013, 03:24:49 AM »

Purging communication from our r/s... .  I am doing this, or rather... .  began to do this tonight. And I am an absolute disaster. I'm shaking, bawling my eyes out, and a crying-out-loud wreck. I realized I HAVE been in denial. I didn't think I was in denial these weeks because my heart was in what I considered a lot of pain. No wonder to me now.   I was feeling irritated, frustrated defensive and angry while responding to a post or two... .  must be that   unresolved stress I have to work out and through.

This relative state of being while detaching evidently was just the tip of the 'berg. It only just now occurred to me; the reality of finality (by his decree of NC) of us. I don't like this. It hurts. I get it now, what many have been describing, the visceral pain. I cannot comprehend the terminal-ness, the r/s's prognosis of never gets better?... .  It's f'd. Yes, I'm new.

When I can muster up some strength, maybe later but probably not until tomorrow, I need to go back and reread all the posts I viewed, this time with an accurate perspective. And, ... .    :'( deal with letting go of the words. His words. His words to me... .  
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« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2013, 12:39:44 PM »

I've found I've had to work on letting go of the words I said, too. The promises and plans I made with her that will not come to be. The questions never answered. That I asked her to marry me and she said 'Yes'. All those times I said I loved her. The things said while feeling defensive. The inside jokes we shared. Hello. And: Goodbye.
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« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2013, 06:42:02 PM »

 it hurts.

I've found I've had to work on letting go of the words I said, too. The promises and plans I made with her that will not come to be. The questions never answered. That I asked her to marry me and she said 'Yes'. All those times I said I loved her. The things said while feeling defensive. The inside jokes we shared. Hello. And: Goodbye.

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« Reply #58 on: March 10, 2013, 08:43:37 PM »

"Oh, I would so anything for you!" He said these words often, and with such depth of feeling, that I have no doubt he meant them at the time he said them. He also told me I was the most amazing, wonderful, giving, blah, blah, blah, woman he had ever known in his entire 50+ years of life. He was not shy about saying these things in front of coworkers, while looking at me with total love and adoration in his eyes.

For me,what is most painful, is not forgetting what he said, but how he said it, the complete devotion he expressed. This is what has left me feeling ripped apart, or played, or just completely lost.

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« Reply #59 on: March 10, 2013, 09:59:58 PM »

It can be really difficult to reconcile the contradictions between the words and actions.   
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« Reply #60 on: March 10, 2013, 11:28:00 PM »

Excerpt
The couple bond one forms with a PD person is different due to the intensity of the coupling of our unmet needs reflected and then fulfilled by another person. This reflection (or projection) is unexpected. When you look over the beginning of the relationship, wasn't the intensity different than any you had ever experienced?

Yes, it has been a truly incredible experience - all of it and most certainly the  realizations it led me to about myself and my own issues.  As painful as it is, I am glad it happened.  Hopefully, we will all learn and heal and be better people for it.

Excerpt
When you think back at these words you actually realise just how generic they were.

Yes, I have heard all the words on this thread and perhaps more.  I read an article when I first began researching the qualities of the r/s with my uBPDh  about word usage by people with personality disorders.  It was straight on.

Excerpt
It can be really difficult to reconcile the contradictions between the words and actions.

Sometimes I wish there were more contradictions.  I know he does love me and he does many thoughtful, wonderful, and practical things to show his love.  He loves me but he loves alcohol more.  My T says it is impossible to have a sustained emotionally intimate relationship with someone who is active in his/her addiction.  At last session, I told T it is obvious when he needs to leave to drink (he does not drink around me) and T said alcohol is his mistress, or actually that I am.
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« Reply #61 on: April 03, 2013, 02:45:51 PM »

This is the hardest bit of moving on. 2 months of nc and the phrases still roll around my head. I can hear her voice. I'll write them here and see if they lose their power, a bit.

'Is this what falling in love feels like?' - very early

'We'll grow old together won't we?'

'I feel like we're reincarnated lovers'

'I start crying when I listen to Mariah Carey'

'You are my first darling'

After breakup and reconciliation, 'I always loved you, I knew it was a mistake immediately to end it.'

':)on't you know, I'll always come back to you.'

'I am your family now', this just after my father's sudden death and when we'd talked of marriage.

Two days later: 'I can't look at you without crying'... .   Tantrum. Rage. Runs away. Nothing but spiteful emails and letters afterwards.

I can still hear her voice, taste her kisses and see her eyes when I think of these.

It's the hardest thing to let go. Here goes!
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« Reply #62 on: July 17, 2013, 06:37:42 PM »

Honeymoon phase:

There isnt anything I don't like about you

No one has ever made me feel the way you do

I hope we never grow apart

You are one of the best things to ever happen to me

You are so generous to me, no one has ever taken me out as much as you do

Going into hater phase:

A guy I dated before you had a dick twice the size of yours - she constantly brought this up

I hope your daughter ends up with a guy like you

The classic I hate you

Everything is your fault

You are psycho

Move on, i have

Im going out tonight to look for a big penis

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« Reply #63 on: July 18, 2013, 06:18:55 AM »

Reading through these posts is quite painful, I still find it hard to believe that my wife of 33 years has changed so much. I was used to the roller coaster of bipolar, but she always came back to earth.

The past 3 years have been unbelievable since BPD came into our lives

You are my soulmate

I don't know if I could live without you

I can see us both growing old together

I don't care if we lose everything we have as long as we have each other

I REALLY love you

Have been replaced with

I can't stand the sight of you

I hate you

I never really loved you

I can't wait to divorce you

Marrying you was the biggest mistake of my life

I am having trouble coming to terms with it all, sometimes her comments make me physically nauseous and my head pounds.

Reaching 59 and losing the most important person in your life is soul destroying
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« Reply #64 on: August 15, 2013, 03:01:22 AM »

Wow.  After reading all of these quotes, if there was any doubt before that my ex was BPD, it is as plain as day now.

'You are the most AMAZIN man I have ever met'

'You are 100% the love of my life'

'(Her name + my name) = love for forever and ever'

'You say you THINK I may be The One... . well, I KNOW you are The One'

'I am your woman for as long as you will have me'

'Words cannot describe all the reasons that I love and adore you'

'I love you with all my heart, (my name)'

'When I am with you, it is a feeling I have not had with anyone'

       Yes, the words hurt more than anything.  I wanted so badly to believe what was said.  I agree though, that while she always told me how much she misses and loves me, these ultra-sweet phrases were always texted to me.  It was in her comfort zone to write more than to vocalize.  The crazy part is that she is a 37 year old woman saying these things to me, and it sounds like a high school teenager; just sayin.  It was strange how after the three month point hit, these phrases basically ceased to exist.  She would still text me sweet things and tell me she loves and misses me, but the intensity definitely subsided rather quickly.
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« Reply #65 on: August 15, 2013, 10:27:51 PM »

This is probably the hardest part for me. I cling hard to the things he said. He used to absolutely blow me away. Hard to accept he's probably said it all many times before and for all I know saying it to someone else tonight.
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« Reply #66 on: August 20, 2013, 05:48:36 AM »

just one month since my last post on this thread, and my wife has not slept at home for nearly two weeks. Staying with her new boyfriend 'he is everything I could want in a man'.

I have finally reached that stage where divorce and settlement cannot come soon enough, then No Contact at all. I will be best rid of her, although she will always have a place in my heart.
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« Reply #67 on: August 20, 2013, 09:58:48 AM »

Hi all

Oh such a relevant post, and one of the biggest things that keeps us stuck in misery for so long.

Phase 1;

The Courting; (but I didn't know he was courting me, since he told me
"he was only seeking friendships".

Painted himself out to look like the most honest guy that ever walked the earth.

Painted himself out to look like the best boyfriend a girl could ever have.

Was ever so helpful and understanding.

Painted himself out to look kind, caring, laid back and easy going.

I did not find out until much later, (and way too late!) the extent of the lies he told me about himself.

As his 'friend' I had offered him a temporary place to stay free of charge for a few months, whilst he found another job and decided what he was doing. Since I had worked in the same type of industry he had been in, I understood why he didn't have a place to live when I met him, (basically his story sounded more plausible).

He was wooing me over the first month, and me being so gullible, didn't even notice the probing questions/courting or why he was asking them so often.

I also didn't register why he seemed to want to hang out with me every day, in every minute of spare time I had that wasn't at work, or taking care of everyday life matters, (running a home, being a Mother to my teenage children).

After almost a month, I started becoming attracted to him, and falling for him, (this fantasy he was weaving for me over who he was).

I guess I overlooked a lot of  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)'s and passed them off.

I put my feelings out there for him, and he rejected me, so I suggested that perhaps we didn't see so much of each other, as I didn't want to feel hurt/rejected and ruin our friendship.

As soon as I backed off, he then 'confessed' that he did in fact have way more than 'feelings of friendship for me'.

I asked what he wanted to do with them, (was he looking for 'friends with benefits' or something more exclusive, because I said that I couldn't do 'friends with benefits'.

He said No, he couldn't either, (wasn't into that). So when I asked if he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, he then tried to 'put me off him'.  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I found this confusing, since he had been building this great picture of who he was to me... I passed off the warnings he was giving me and asked him to give it a try.

So he agreed to our having a relationship, but wanted us to have STD tests before sleeping together, just to be responsible adults. I was secretly a little hurt and confused about his insistence over this, but also impressed as well.

So I agreed to do these tests, (which took over a month to take place) and in the meantime, we slowly began to get to know each other a lot better.

We became lovers so to speak... . and he occasionally slept in my room... but at that stage, it looked like he wasn't taking it seriously enough...

That was when the trouble began... Seriously...

It began with any 'friends' I had, (at that time I was seeing more of my male friends than female).

Within a very short time, he had begun to devalue me, and every aspect of my life, was a reason/justification for his criticisms/nasty observations. Meanwhile, he began to exhibit some very extreme double standards, and totally inappropriate behaviour/jokes.

Yet, if I acted unintentionally said things that might have hurt him, or joked around, it was met with 'punishment and perceived revenge'.

I actually felt like I was always being punished for things I had not even done or said on purpose!

In the meantime, he had not even told me he loved me... This was after 3 months of being very intimate and supposedly being in a 'relationship with me'. Yet he demanded I treat him 'like my husband', with all the privileges and respect that title deserved...

Still, I was deeply hooked, a long time before that, I was becoming hooked to him, whilst he was covertly wooing and courting me... Even before I became involved with him, I believe he knew I was already hooked on him...

Once, (with an arrogance I can never forget), he gloatingly said that he knew that if he walked out on me, and left me for dust, that he could walk back into my life again a year later, and I would 'take him back'. This apparently was because deep down, I knew what a really 'great guy he was'.

I should remember that moment for the rest of my life... it was his way of letting me know the great power he exercised over me, (and obviously what I would let him away with later).

Once he began declaring his 'great love for me', and his cycles of violence, recycling were in full swing, I was often told that;

I will never leave you or let you go ever, (insert my name here).

You are the one for me, there is no other.

I love you very much.

You are so good looking, so attractive, very beautiful...

You are so popular, everyone likes you, (but they hate me). That later became my fault, I was 'backstabbing him to them apparently...

I love being with you, and love making love with you...

You always look nice, and you have a nice body. this easily switched to, "your a fat, ugly, pig, c**t, b***h, etc...

You are 'blessed' (with great looks), and alluded to the fact that he knew he was secretly blessed himself, with joire de voir, (if I spelt that right!) This could switch to, "your not THAT SPECIAL, there is a whole world full of 'nice people out there...

I love spending time with you... to, "you never spend time with me, everyone, everything, is more important to you than me".

I miss you. to, "I'm not THAT desperate, I'm not codependent on you, I don't need you, I'm not some pathetic, desperate wimp, crying into his Weetbix over you... . then, (snarlingly) you don't need me...

I would reply with, (After repeating his words back to him and awaiting a response), "In some ways I do need you" and "Aren't you happy I am not too needy", and it isn't about needing someone, it is about WANTING THEM... .

I am so sorry I hurt you, I know I need help, but I am not ready to go down that path yet... . (this was the first 2 years, but after he moved out, he never said it again, and if anybody else reminded him, it was met with violence.

I will never let you go, and never want to let you go, leave you or break up with you. yet he dumped me every week for 3.5 years!

Yet, it was apparently me rejecting him! I was rejecting his behaviour, not him. I was sticking to my boundaries over his incessant need for conflict and drama at my home... and I always told him that he had a choice. I said that I never wanted to ask him to leave each time he instigated conflict with me, but if he would not take time out and go off to cool down, or allow me to, then he would have to leave... (for longer than a few hours and preferably a few days until he had cooled off again). It was him that rejected me and ended things every time I refused to allow him to continue his conflict... so I was often backed into a corner and could only agree that he should leave for the time being...

Yet he continually punished me for keeping him in a constant state of anxiety over being 'kicked out'...

All he had to do, was act on the things he agreed with in more peaceful times, but it was like he forgot again, and even if I reminded him over and over, it was like it went in one ear and straight out the other side.

I felt like I was stuck on 'repeat, replay mode' for 3.5 years... . Total Groundhog Day, over and over... with everything he said, and everything he did.

Your such a good Mother. to "your a lowlife single parent, your kids are f****d up, and I come from a way better and far more educated family than you...

This also changed to resentment that I loved and looked after my (older) children so much, not like his parents, who hated him and always wanted him to f**k off... . (still do now apparently).

Oh, that must be why, for the last 13 years, they have put you up for free, and helped you out consistently, every time you returned to free load off them...

He often accused me of loving and caring more about my children than I ever did him...

I would always say, (after paraphrasing his feelings) that No, I loved and cared for him just as deeply as I did my children, but it is a different kind of love... He would then say that I did not love him unconditionally, as he did me!

Cough splutter!

I would say that people in romantic relationships cannot easily love each other unconditionally... It is a totally different kind of love... but that when children became older, their unconditional love for their parents may still have been there, but if their parents were still mistreating them as adults, they would often have to retain their distance/detach to protect themselves from further hurt. I also explained that for parents, if their children were hurtful to them as adults, that parents had to practise 'tough love' as well.

There went the blank stare...

So, as it is, he has now ignored me again for over a week. I was verbally abused because I would not allow him to verbally abuse his parents to me, or my daughter and her partner...

I often told him that both of us needed to change what we were doing, in order to feel better, but I couldn't do it alone, he had to join me...

Wasted energy for sure... . wasted love, wasted time, wasted my life, and still am, ruminating over a guy who couldn't love me. He is out there again, chasing the fresh and new...

Just like he always did... Except now, he is looking decidedly more pathetic, 46, and still like a teenage boy inside...


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« Reply #68 on: August 20, 2013, 10:57:46 AM »

Unfortunately since the actions never matched the words for me, I have come to the harsh conclusion that they just said what they needed to say at the time to get whatever it was that they NEEDED at the time! (financial, emotional outlet, etc... . )

Especially with mine, there was NEVER any sort of "long term mentality."  She was NEVER in it for the "long-haul."

That's reality for me!

MCC
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« Reply #69 on: August 20, 2013, 11:21:10 AM »

Excerpt
Especially with mine, there was NEVER any sort of "long term mentality."  She was NEVER in it for the "long-haul."

Yeah, in theory mine was in it for the long haul, or in his words "in it to win it" with me, but he couldn't apply the concept to day-to-day r/s skills. He would get stuck on what wasn't happening at that moment and thought everything was futile. He had a hard time with long-term planning with me and following through even though he talked about it all the time. I would assure him that I envisioned a future with him, but he was too focused on his feelings in that moment. We had a long distance r/s and no matter how much I told him it would be temporary, all he thought about every day was that I wasn't there 24/7 (even though I spent nearly every weekend with him) and he couldn't wait it out a few months more.

Talk about control issues. It drove him crazy that I wasn't there when he expected me to be there.
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« Reply #70 on: August 20, 2013, 08:36:09 PM »

Hi peas,

Your words struck a chord with me. In saying that you had a long distance relationship, and your exBP got stuck in his feelings in the present all the time.

Talked about planning a future together, but that was all he could do, (talk about it, but not make any definate plans).

Mine was the same as yours, (when we lived together, and when we lived apart). Stuck, only concerned with his feelings about what was/wasn't happening at that moment.

Hard time future planning anything, and following through, but talked about it at least 4 days per week, (and blamed me he was going nowhere for this relationship, the sacrifices he was making!).

He wasn't making any though, I was!

Just so frustrating, and he was always feeling justified to paint me and our relationship black, but couldn't handle any criticism/advice about what he needed to do for himself!

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« Reply #71 on: August 20, 2013, 09:29:04 PM »

Excerpt
Talked about planning a future together, but that was all he could do, (talk about it, but not make any definate plans).

Mine was the same as yours... . Stuck, only concerned with his feelings about what was/wasn't happening at that moment.

Hard time future planning anything, and following through, but talked about it at least 4 days per week, (and blamed me he was going nowhere for this relationship, the sacrifices he was making!).

He wasn't making any though, I was!

Yep. Your comment got me really thinking about how my ex was all talking marriage, but when I started taking it seriously he suddenly gets all: Let's take it slow, let's give it a year before we make those plans.

At first I thought that was a good idea because we had such a fast and intense attraction. But thinking back on it, it was one more thing he couldn't or wouldn't work toward. His words were cheap. 

You are so right about them whining and blaming us for the r/s problems -- to this day me ex still has me convinced that if I was local we'd be together. The LDR was a huge sore spot. He ALMOST WEEKLY would tell me that if I loved him I would be with him, meaning: give up your job (which paid double what he made) and come be with me NOW. Not in a year. Not in four months. Today. 

That brought me so much guilt and pressure to make sure I gave him every spare moment I could until the day we could live together permanently. I drove every weekend to him. I always paid for the gas and I always was the one to do the road trip. I had to go to him. And then one time he made a comment about how much effort he puts into the r/s.

For him, the huge effort was sustaining attraction for someone who couldn't give him 24/7. We did this for seven months. During that time, when I would get fed up with his blaming me for "leaving" (a good job offer caused me to relocate -- I had been unemployed and desperate for work) and when he would argue ad nauseum about needing someone there every day, I told him to go find a local girlfriend if he wanted it that bad. I was sick of hearing it. Then he'd shut up for a while.

Then I think he actually did find a local girlfriend. That's when the "let's take it slow" BS started, then detachment. Then thinking I was the enemy. But typical BPD: two weeks before the breakup he's asking me to check my fertility to see about some babymaking.
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« Reply #72 on: August 25, 2013, 12:56:19 AM »

I struggle with this too.

First time in relationship with her:

Idealize phase... . Words said.

You make me so happy

My heart fills with happiness

I love you... . Repeated dozens of times a day via text, phone

I love everything about you

I love how you care about me

Devalue phase: words said.

There was nothing about you i like

I dont have deep feelings for you

You are so negative

My feelings for you were an illusion

I dont want you to care about me

Second time in relationship with her... .

Idealize phase... . Words said.

I am so grateful i have my man back

You are my rock within my storm

I love everything about you, all your flaws and all

I love how you care about me

My heart swells with you back in my life


Devalue phase... . Words said.

I dont like the way you breathe

You must be gay(i stopped having sex with her when devaluation started, this was said in response)

You are so negative

There was nothing about you i really like

Your love for me was fake

I have tears in my eyes remembering this. Who was this person? Oh right. Now i remember, the person i fell in love with. The person i let back into my life after she abruptly left me first time. Words and the power they inflict. They echo in my mind. I tumble from space.





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« Reply #73 on: August 25, 2013, 06:22:53 AM »

After 2 weeks:

“I feel like I can talk with you about anything, like we’ve known each other before.”

After a month:

I’ve never had this kind of connection with anyone before (said with tears after sex).

Our chemistry is so strong.

Everything about you is beautiful.

I think about you all day when we’re apart.

I’m aching for you. I feel it in my heart and stomach.

After 3 months:

When I texted that I miss her one evening when she went out after work, her response was: “I miss you more.” (The next day, I found out she posted a Missed Connections ad for the bartender that she was flirting with that night – while texting me to tell me how much she missed me!)

I just can’t have these doubts and insecurities (said after she admitted to posting to Craigslist. She expected me to just get over it and take her “at her word” after we had our discussion.)

Often, if she said something critical and I got quiet, she’d ask me:

“Are you okay? Because you’re looking, idk.,... kinda weird. Why are you acting despondent like this?”



When she devalued me:


I can’t give you 5 days a week! I need to see my family and friends. Do you want me to stop seeing my family?”

You look disgusted with me. (I wasn’t even frowning at the moment. Completely misread my facial expressions or perhaps just made this up to start a fight).

No! I refuse to neglect my friends! You make me feel like what I do isn’t enough.

Way to go! Way to make me feel good about myself when I already have a low self-esteem. Thanks.

You’re acting kinda…idk, weird. Are you okay?

We just can’t seem to get along without fighting! I don’t know what it is about us, but we just can’t!

You need to get better.

You never trusted me.

I want us to work so badly.



Throughout the relationship:


I love YOU…don’t ever forget.

I want to wake up next to you every morning, have sex with you every day, and fall asleep with you every night.

You are my heart.

You are my life.

You are my rock.

When I think about how much I love you, I get tears in my eyes.

Will you take care of me? Even though I’m crazy? Even when I have these difficult moods?

I love you unconditionally.

I’m all YOURS…forever.

We’re going to grow old together.

Let’s have a family. I want us to travel first, but then let’s have a family together. Our children will be so beautiful.

You’re the most amazing boyfriend EVER. (I often told her I’m the luckiest.)



After first breakup:


My self-esteem is lower than it’s ever been in my life!

My hands are shaking. I just don’t know what I’m going to do with myself.

Before recycle:

I’m standing in front of your place and I just don’t know what I’ll do with myself. I can’t help it that I miss you.



After Breakup Two:


You’re the only one for me.

Same day…reposted a captioned photo on Tumblr of a girl looking in her rearview mirror. Caption below read: Remember me.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of treatment. I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

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« Reply #74 on: August 25, 2013, 09:51:40 AM »

I hope you don't mind:

Lets look not only on the words of your ex, but also on your own reaction!

What happened with you when someone told you: You are the love of my life. You are my soulmate.

Or an example from my own life:

A Festival with exex, I ask him: Are you dry?

He with wide open eyes and huge black pupil: I invited you here, I would never take xy while you were here with me.

What was my reaction: I believed him. His body told something different than his words.

Later when he was nearly unconscious I felt so bad. I was so easily convinced with words and didn't trust my guts.
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« Reply #75 on: August 25, 2013, 02:13:23 PM »

Haha. Oops! I realize that it makes a lot more sense if we include our responses. Okay, I'll try this again. Hope this isn't too incoherent.

Her words during 1st couple of months dating:

“I feel like I can talk with you about anything, like we’ve known each other before.”



I think about you all day when we’re apart.

I’m aching for you. I feel it in my heart and stomach.



The main message here
: We FOUND each other. I’m falling for you.

My reaction: I believed it. The love I was starving and pining for my whole life was finally here. She looked and felt like the girl I always wanted but never got to keep. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. Her words affirmed how I felt: as though she had keys to receptors I had long put away. We texted throughout the day and I was showered with words like this. I responded with similar words, because honestly, when she left to go home, I would feel the withdrawal after a couple of hours – aching heart feeling + shakiness. I wanted to secure a relationship with her.

When I found out and confronted her on her first lie, she turned things around and began devaluing me with:

“You need to get better.”

“I can’t have these doubts and insecurities.”

My reaction: Felt completely disrespected with feelings invalidated, especially after lying to me. Hoped she would come back around and realize how much she hurt me. I almost left her. Yet I was scared to let her go. I was afraid she’d have something passionate with someone else (not that I was so sure she hadn’t already!). I brought up the possibility of needing to end things.

Her reaction to mine: pulled me back in by coming back around, spending more time with me with more promise of a relationship.



We got into a relationship. Throughout, she idealized me with:


“I’m so beyond in LOVE with you.”

“You are my rock.”

“I’m all YOURS…forever.”

“I want us to grow old together.”

“You’re the most amazing, caring boyfriend EVER. I’m so lucky to have you.” (said with tears in her eyes).

My reaction:

These words validated my strong desire for a long-term commitment. They helped soothe me on nights when she wasn't sleeping over and we'd talk on the phone. Sorry for this side note, but often I felt pressured to have lots of sex with her. The sex happened to be intensely physical and emotional, often rough. But, she had body image issues and for her, sex meant I wasn't losing attraction to her (her fear). I often worried that this was just an extended booty call. How is this relevant to the words? Well, if I dared express concern, she'd respond with words like: "I just can't have this insecurity. Maybe I just need to go."

Throughout the relationship, she devalued me, especially toward the end:

“We just can’t seem to get along! We always fight!”

“You need to get better. I can’t have this, my self-esteem is already low enough!”

“Maybe I just need to go home. I’m too upset to be here right now.”



My response:
“Oh sweetie. I’m not fighting with you. I am just trying to discuss things, to improve our communication.  I want good communication so we can have a strong relationship. Please don’t misunderstand that, okay? Good solid relationships take work. So that's where I'm coming from. It's not criticism.” Inside, my heart was often racing, but I couldn’t show that emotion or she’d get even more upset and escalate into yelling or wanting to punch something. Sometimes, she’d abruptly leave and follow with texts of how terrible I was to her.

EDIT: During fights she'd demean me with things like: "You're being STUPID!" OR "I've never been with someone who made me feel so low!"

My response: Often I was frozen, not knowing how to react. She'd get completely angry from out of nowhere it seemed. Then she'd come back around and apologize for being difficult to get along with (which made me feel guilty and sad for her).

At the very end, her words are:

"You're breaking my heart. I did nothing to deserve such little respect." (in response to my maintaining NC).

I haven't responded to her in over a month. It's a major detox. Now alone, I am fully aware of some long-time anxiety with physical symptoms making it difficult to function. I suspect I may have had this since childhood. Back to the words, yes I suppose I should really not even read any of her words to have honest to goodness NC. I digress, so sorry. This is a helpful thread. Thank you!

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« Reply #76 on: August 26, 2013, 08:11:55 AM »

Thank you so much for this post!

It is a true therapy to read through all the special things and realize how much common it is.

To be honest I clinged to those "love" words after he broke up with me, but at the same time those negative things he told me were poisoning me when everything was more or less ok. 

Also it is true that they feel what works and what doesn't. Once in anger he told me "who you think you are? do you think you are f*g special?". It really made feel bad and he knew that. Afterwards anytime he wanted to make me feel better he would just say "you are very special". 

Needless to say that he did nothing to prove that I was special in a long run.

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« Reply #77 on: August 26, 2013, 09:26:18 AM »

Wow! That sums it up! I'm speechless!
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« Reply #78 on: August 26, 2013, 03:04:13 PM »

DeRetour, wow I could have wrote this. I had to look and make sure I didnt. The actions and wording are almost identical to mine almost word for word. This is scary. Thank you its was very helpful.
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« Reply #79 on: August 26, 2013, 04:46:05 PM »

I second that... . Holy crap... . It's almost identical... . Replace a few words with synonyms... . Bam. Wow. How dumb was I? I still hope she comes back Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) me.
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« Reply #80 on: August 27, 2013, 01:37:05 AM »

Excerpt
DeRetour, wow I could have wrote this. I had to look and make sure I didnt. The actions and wording are almost identical to mine almost word for word. This is scary. Thank you its was very helpful.

Mitchell,

Hah! I know what you mean and yes, that's a bit uncanny. I'm glad that was helpful. Now the trick is not intellectualizing these words! Just inspired after reading that thread on resolving cognitive dissonance. 

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« Reply #81 on: August 29, 2013, 10:34:34 PM »

I'm so thankful to find this post. In a few days is one year since my BPDbf suddenly departed from my life. He did so in a very hurtful way and has not given me any chance for closure or to understand in the year following. As such, for the first time in my life, I find myself unable to get over it and move on. I think the words he said have kept me from moving on. Feeling that he must in some way still be waiting for me to prove my love so we can be happy again. I see that is a common thread with BPD and I'm hopeful understanding this might finally help me start to let go. Because I don't want to hurt like this anymore.

"You are the only person I've ever loved."

"I would just stop living if you weren't mine anymore."

"There is no end for you and I, we can't end, we are forever."

"If I wasn't with you I would be alone for the rest of my life."

"No matter what I do or say please never give up on me because I need you."

"Thank you for always saving me. Never give up on us."

"All I do when we are apart is sit and think of our future together."

And the hours and hours and hours that he just wanted to sit and hold me and stare at me. Doing nothing else. Seeing no one else. Apparently that wasn't us falling in "one true love", it was an illness.
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« Reply #82 on: August 30, 2013, 12:36:07 AM »

Aside from these types of things my BPD made all these comments about relationships.  For instance early on he told me where people screw up is they get to the point where all they do is find fault with their partner instead of focussing on loving them and making them happy.  Of course we got to the point where all he did was find fault with me.  And it's ridiculous how people focus on petty jealousies instead of appreciating the fact that this person is with them.  Followed by scary intense jealous rages.  He was denying things that he would later do.  
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« Reply #83 on: August 30, 2013, 06:08:48 AM »

Yes... .   in the begining of my r/s, I remember hearing many times how he "just isn't a jealous kind of guy"... .    WOW nothing could be further from the truth... .   he tried to be something he wasn't for a long time and then the facade crumbled... .   I don't cling to those words... .  

Purely... . your last line of "apparently that wasn't us falling in "one true love", it was an illness" is the hardest concept for me to grasp.  Even now after all I've been thru and all the threats i continue to get from him which still scare me, I have a hard time wrapping my head around that... .   obviously because I don't think like he does.  But while I can read and read and read and see that everything says 1 plus 1 equals 2, but it's like my head can't see how it can.  Part of my own problem with acceptance apparently.  I hope you do find the understanding you need to let go though... .    
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« Reply #84 on: September 10, 2013, 03:35:15 PM »



Honeymoon phase:

Fantastic gestures included

-Picking and dropping me

-Feeding me with his own hands

-Holding me close

-Sensing how I am feeling and getting me what I need w/o me saying in words

-Calling me 'baby' and 'honey'

-Saying 'You look super sexy in corporate clothing'

-Being super supportive of all my dreams and goals

-Complimenting me(they seemed genuine)

-"The essence of a woman are her emotions and I will be with a woman for emotional fulfillment".

-How could you leave the guy you were in a relationship with and go away? and 'Why did you call off our meetings?' when I had retreated because he would push me away.

Red flag 1

The first time we intensely made out,he started yelling the following':)on't get too close to me,you will get hurt,I will have affairs,I am not good enough for you'.I had started crying but he continued to yell and was looking deranged.After 20 mins of yelling he cooled down by himself,kissed me and took me for snacks as though nothing was wrong.This I should have taken super seriously.

The incongruity stage:

-Checked for my 'stay ability' and at the same time said ':)on't get close to me'

-Asked me to go date other men but was jealous if anyone was interested in me.

-Repeatedly mentioned other females to make me jealous but said it is just you.

-Pushed me away and when I retreated ,said ':)on't you dare ignore me while you're with me'.

-Repeatedly said 'I am moving abroad forever(post intimacy sessions),forget me' and then clung.

-Also said 'We can have what we have if you don't get emotional or expect anything' but was jealous of my other male(platonic friends).

Before sleeping together

-Miss you,wanna make love to you.

-Can do anything to make you happy and wanted to eat viagra:)

-Will caress you in my arms forever.

-Do you think I am too thin?

-I have been building my body for you,now will you let me love you?

After sleeping together second time('t was his idea btw)

-Asked me if I was getting married to someone else anytime soon and I told him I am with you so I am not looking elsewhere.Shut down after this for 3 months.Could not stand the possibility of sustained closeness.

The hurtful things he said later

-I am not good enough for you.I am just a friend and you need someone for life.

-It was never a relationship.

-I always saw you as a friend.

-I never felt anything for you.

-Don't ever touch me,not even hold my hand because it is wrong since I am not a kid anymore.I don't want to be touched at all.

-I never wanted to come close to you.

-Don't make me feel guilty for what happened(I had not mentioned 'guilt' at all)

Projection on the last talk:

-I want you to do well in life in life because you have worked hard.

-Have bad thoughts about me.

-Say mean things to me.

-Are you angry with me?

-Do you think I am a bad guy?

-I'm so sorry you got hurt.





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« Reply #85 on: November 15, 2013, 01:57:27 AM »

Reconciling THESE words (+100s more) with the brutal and cold cut-off created a huge MESS in my brain... .and that Cognitive Dissonance keeps reverberating... .(and is the source of most of my suffering... .because I BELIEVED in the sincerity and integrity of those words). 

"You are the most important person in my life"

"You are EVERYTHING I want in a woman"

"I completely trust you because you have so much integrity"

"I love you more than anyone in my life"

"I feel like you are my family"

"No one has ever loved me like you"

"I care about you so much"

"I want to be your rock"

"I love being here for you"

"You're the woman I've always wanted"

"I love that you're my PARTNER"

"These symbolize our love and our home" (a special key ring he made me for our new apt... .I was about to move; 2 months before discard)

"Welcome to our home" (2 months before discard)

"I'm so excited to do couples therapy with you" (he quit the day of the discard)

"I am so grateful for you in my life" (3 weeks before discard)

"I love walking with you on OUR street" (our new apt) (2 weeks before discard)

"You are my most beautiful dream" (2 weeks before discard)

":)on't worry. I love you. We have some geographic issues but we're working on it"

(1 week before discard)

Early in the r/s: "I would die for you."

Later in the r/s when he refused to have a difficult conversation, I reminded him of this over-the-top statement and pointed out that it's pretty ironic that he thinks he would DIE for me but can't have a CONVERSATION. I should have heeded the red-flags then. Silly me. I was used to people who MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. 

After discard (ending a 7-year r/s by email and refusing to speak with me):

"Please return the keys. And give me instructions about what to do with your things."

"I don't have ANY feelings for you any more."

"My love extinguished."

"Take care."

All I can say is these HUGE INCOHERENCES created a mind f*** that threw me into trauma. My brain (and heart) no longer could compute ANYTHING. They are still trying to recover and I suspect it will take a long while.

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« Reply #86 on: November 15, 2013, 02:03:32 AM »

Reconciling THESE words (+100s more) with the brutal and cold cut-off created a huge MESS in my brain... .and that Cognitive Dissonance keeps reverberating... .(and is the source of most of my suffering... .because I BELIEVED in the sincerity and integrity of those words). 

"You are the most important person in my life"

"You are EVERYTHING I want in a woman"

"I completely trust you because you have so much integrity"

"I love you more than anyone in my life"

"I feel like you are my family"

"No one has ever loved me like you"

"I care about you so much"

"I want to be your rock"

"I love being here for you"

"You're the woman I've always wanted"

"I love that you're my PARTNER"

"These symbolize our love and our home" (a special key ring he made me for our new apt... .I was about to move; 2 months before discard)

"Welcome to our home" (2 months before discard)

"I'm so excited to do couples therapy with you" (he quit the day of the discard)

"I am so grateful for you in my life" (3 weeks before discard)

"I love walking with you on OUR street" (our new apt) (2 weeks before discard)

"You are my most beautiful dream" (2 weeks before discard)

":)on't worry. I love you. We have some geographic issues but we're working on it"

(1 week before discard)

Early in the r/s: "I would die for you."

Later in the r/s when he refused to have a difficult conversation, I reminded him of this over-the-top statement and pointed out that it's pretty ironic that he thinks he would DIE for me but can't have a CONVERSATION. I should have heeded the red-flags then. Silly me. I was used to people who MEAN WHAT THEY SAY. 

After discard (ending a 7-year r/s by email and refusing to speak with me):

"Please return the keys. And give me instructions about what to do with your things."

"I don't have ANY feelings for you any more."

"My love extinguished."

"Take care."

All I can say is these HUGE INCOHERENCES created a mind f*** that threw me into trauma. My brain (and heart) no longer could compute ANYTHING. They are still trying to recover and I suspect it will take a long while.

Almost word for word... .  You are not alone.  I was actually harboring my anger against my exBPDgf as a way to maintain no contact, my anger about the lies, deceit, cheating, using me... .ect ect.  Well tonight I activated an old iphone that had been turned off for years. Huge Mistake, It had all our text messages from when we first started dating and first recycle. "I couldnt imagine loving anyone else" "I love you more than I did Before" "I'm not good enough for you, you have no idea how awesome you are" "I Would never leave me"  ect ect... .   Now I just Miss her.  I know she doesnt Miss me, she is with my replacement. Hes probably hearing the same things... .  wake of emotional destruction. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone.
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« Reply #87 on: April 27, 2015, 11:20:18 AM »

In hindsight the best things she ever said to me were on Facebook or by text; she was very seldom ever the same in person, and that incongruency left a pit in my stomach that I denied for way too long.  Listen to my gut, valuable lesson.
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