Was I in the right?

[Steelcrayon]

I know I've been NC for a couple of days. Well sunday night she called my workplace again and agreed to see her when I got off work (sorry I was in the mood). Visit her and she's being the girl I fell in love with. I was still being distant tho. Stayed together all morning then come 4p we decide to watch a movie at 7p. I tell her I'm going to the gym afterwords, she say ok.

As we enter the movie theatre her daughter begins to cry loudly because we are watching a movie she doesn't want to see (7years old but sadly very declined and can't speak yet, doctors can't find anything wrong but from what I noticed it might be bad parenting since my ex wife just keeps her in her room.)

I'm not the child's father so I feel I have no say when it comes to being firm, but I was bothered by her crying. Bought the child popcorn which she wanted and the child refused to eat it. Finally my ex wife gets her to stop pouting temporarily (it was and off and on whimper thru the entire movie). My exwife asks during the movie if we can watch Happy feet2 after this and I agree.

Movie ends and we then get ready to watch happy feet 2, I'm exhausted and bothered but I try my best to make it thru. Movie is over and as we are leaving she asks what I'm going to do now and I respond with the gym. She becomes angered by this because it's already 11pm.

I tell her that it would of been earlier but we saw another movie. I also ask why is it she goes out on weekends all night while I am at work til 3am and yet I can't even go to the gym. (she believes she can be out as late as possible because as long as she has a family member there it's ok but going to the gym solo is asking for sex)

On the drive to her house all she is doing is yelling while I stayed quiet. Get to her house and argues how we are a family. (family? Yet she goes out and parties and flirts with other guys). She slams the doors and leaves. Nothing but rage messages from then on.

I just don't think it is fair of her to block me from my goals while we discussed prior as well as she gets to go out while working

Oh and when she slammed one of the doors she caught the seatbelt connector into it and now the door is jammed

[MaybeSo]

I know I've been NC for a couple of days. Well sunday night she called my workplace again and agreed to see her when I got off work (sorry I was in the mood).

This was a choice. 

She is not well. 

She acted exactly the way someone like her (mentally ill) would typcally act. 

It's not a matter of being 'fair'... .this is who she is.

What you see is what you get, she is not doing this to piss you off personally, this is who she is, this is a real disorder, she is really, really not well... .up/down, crazy-making, dysregulated, needy, self absorbed, possible child neglect/abuse, she is clearly NOT WELL... .

and in addition... .I guess this ugly business on the drive home all went down in front of the 7 year old?... .the one who is kept in her room and doesn't even speak yet?... which frankly is the most troubling aspect of your post ... .and in my neck of the woods would  garner a CPS report... .whose protecting this kid? Whose looking out for this kids best interest?

[2010]

I'm exhausted and bothered but I try my best to make it thru. Was I in the right?

No. You made a bad decision.  Rather than speak from a place of authentic feeling, you chose to override yourself and turn to someone else's control.  That someone else (you claim has BPD) is struggling right now, because she's unsure of your motives for reengaging her. She's chosen to place herself in a holding pattern that allows for her fears to arise while she waits for an attachment from you to solidify as a full time family.

In the meantime, her child, who is 7 years of age and still cannot speak- chose to communicate her frustration otherwise- by crying and acting out which painfully assembles an identity of helplessness and voicelessness. While this isn't your fault, you choose to remain involved in a way that continues the cycle of pain. No one, not you, not her nor her child is getting their emotional needs met.  The only person who really doesn't have a choice in this is the child.  Keeping a child in her room is not allowing for any growth.  Taking a child to a dark, movie theater is no different. There is no difference to the child. A double feature in a dark theatre is not providing for a child. Is it any wonder that she doesn't speak?

You are at a crossroads here. Your decision to go no contact for a few days only creates a level of distrust when you return. What is it that you wish to gain for this?  

[turtle]

Visit her and she's being the girl I fell in love with.

One of the hardest things to grasp is that the girl you fell in love with and the girl that makes your life miserable is all part of the same pot.  You don't get one without the other.

I haven't read all of your posts, but I've read enough to see that you are in a volitle situation.  It sounds as though you are no stranger to Police involvement.  One of these times, steelcrayon, you could end up in a dire situation with the Police. You could be arrested, charged for things that may or may not be true and life could get way, way worse than it is.  This situation is not healthy for you, your wife, and certainly not that poor, neglected child.

If you are going to go No Contact, then do it.  Period.  No movies, conversations, coffee, or anything else... .just because you're "in the mood."  No Contact is a serious decision, not a whim. If you keep breaking No Contact, it sends mixed messages to your wife and certainly to that child.

You need to pick a path and stick with it.  I know how hard that is (I failed many times before I finally got it through my thick skull,) but it's just a fact.  Especially when there are childen involved... .all the back and forth is confusing to an adult, and it's even worse for a child... .and THIS child sounds like she's got a pretty unfortunate existance already.  I agree with Maybeso and am wondering if CPS shouldn't be involved.

turtle