Is It Possible They Treat Some Partners Better Than Others

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It matters not, they treat you well one day because they feel unsure of your love, they treat you badly the next because they are sure.  Conversely, they treat you badly because you leave them, as they stalk and abuse you, then treat you well for a tiny bit, until you are back 'in-the-pocket".  Push/pull behavior is at play here.

This is exceedingly well-put.  It's really the perfect synopsis of how they treat you.  It's a total "no-win".

[HowPredictable]

It matters not, they treat you well one day because they feel unsure of your love, they treat you badly the next because they are sure.  Conversely, they treat you badly because you leave them, as they stalk and abuse you, then treat you well for a tiny bit, until you are back 'in-the-pocket".  Push/pull behavior is at play here.

This is exceedingly well-put.  It's really the perfect synopsis of how they treat you.  It's a total "no-win".

[gettingoverit]

I think many people misconstrue emotional intelligence (EQ) with actual intelligence (IQ).  The BPD may have the EQ of a 3 year old, but the IQ of a highly intelligent adult.  They may not be able to regulate their emotions, but may be intelligent enough to plot and scheme their way to their desires. 

I totally agree with this. My ex was high functioning and very intelligent. She could lie and scheme with the best of them... .a true con artist in retrospect. I find it interesting that my ex was engaged with my ex-friend literally less than two weeks after she split with me. She's getting married this summer. The funny thing is that her "honeymoon" periods only seem to last a little over a year historically. By the time her BPD starts to show itself, she will have my ex-friend by the short and curly's. They will be married and I know there is going to come a day when my ex-friend is going to say "What the hell happened to that sweet loving woman I scammed from my friend"? I'm sure they will go through the same push pull crap my ex has done to all of her partners, and when the relationship finally does fail after at least three to four years of hell, the divorce will be epic and expensive. I can't help laughing and thinking that my ex-friend deserves everything that's coming. Karma is a b*tch sometimes. 

[avoidatallcost]

hmm am I in the minority here when I say that I think they do treat some of their partners better than others?  Or maybe I should just restate this by saying maybe borderlines don't treat some of their partners quite as badly as others...

For instance, my BP told me stories about how she was faithful with her past partners.  But she had decided that just prior to meeting me she now wanted to experience an open relationship because she couldn't stand being "vulnerable" and "hurt" and all that other b.s. borderlines tell us when they're in a relationship with us.  Right there I would think just based on this alone she treated me rather more badly than her other exes.  She would also talk about how her first bf, whom she dated for 5 years, was so volatile she had to call the cops on him.  Her last bf, who lasted 2 years with her, was never talked about as badly as the first one.  

And another thing... some guys she claimed were her boyfriend, while others were just 'friends with benefits.'  Surely this must be another example of her treating some of her partner with more respect than others?

I'm going to propose a theory here, you guys can tell me what you think:  the more emotionally volatile the BP's partner is, the more he will suffer at the hands of the BP during the borderline relationship.  This is because his intense reactions to the BP's crazymaking will elicit extreme self-defense mechanisms from the BP.

Does anyone agree with this?  Any opposing thoughts?

[G.J.]

AAAC --

The first thing that strikes me about your post... .How do you know if any of the stories your ex told you are true? I've often been amazed by BPD's very skewed versions of the past. Do you know for sure that she never cheated on her ex's? Have you asked all of them? And are you for sure of the real reason the cops were called?

I wouldn't base your theory on a BPD's stories... .

I think the "bad treatment" may just come in varying forms. Based on the dynamics, the personality, etc of the other person. I think most ex's of any given BPD has their own horror stories. They just may not be identical.

With my first round in BPD Land many years ago, I got the opportunity to talk with the girl that came after me. She had a LOT of similar stories to tell -- but there were also several that we each had that were quite different, but horrific in their own right. The story he told her about me (and the story he told me about her when he tried to recycle me) were both VERY FAR from the truth. We had a really fun night out together and we've remained friends. All I'm saying is, until you've heard it from the other ex's -- believe nothing.

[Sailskier]

Do you know for sure that she never cheated on her ex's? Have you asked all of them?

In my case, I know that my exBPD/f did not cheat... .physically, that is.  I'm pretty sure that he got his "kicks" from flirting and cheating emotionally.

The thing that I believe, is that not all BPDs are the same.  Their thought processes may be the same, but they may suppress some behaviors better than others due to what they were strictly taught by their parents.  In my case, cheating was a no-no in my ex's upbringing; his mother had been cheated on and passed along some very strict rules on what not to do in a r/s. 

In turn, my ex never cheated... .but the day after he left me... .he was knocking on a ex'gs door... .six days later, he was on a date... .all awhile I was stunned... .still wearing his ring.  He is technically correct... .he never cheated... .but what was going on in his head while he was with me that propelled him to other women as soon as he left?  He was, for sure, lusting... .and lusting is emotionally cheating... .in my book

[stonehead]

From my own experience, yes, they do treat different partners differently.

My pwBPD treated me like sht. I was very nice and kind to her. I never said anything harsh to her, always considered how she feels. Never say a word back when she went on her rages and treated me abusely. She still cut me off summarily. At the end, she practicaaly said that she knew that she has been very abusive and disrespectful, but claimed that those were GOD's words (i.e., God spoke through her mouth). Just crazy!

With her other man, she is much more careful and sounded more conciliatory. That is because this other person is much more rougher and will not take any sht from her. She may complain bitterly, but he wouldn't budge a bit. His life is by no means easy, but at least she does not treat him with so much abuse and disrespect, and is still with him. It is a matter of time when he would finally decide that he would have had enough of her shts and would leave her. I am waiting for that day to come. I want to see that she suffers the same amount of pains that I have been enduring so far.

[avoidatallcost]

I wouldn't base your theory on a BPD's stories... .

I think the "bad treatment" may just come in varying forms. Based on the dynamics, the personality, etc of the other person. I think most ex's of any given BPD has their own horror stories. They just may not be identical.

You're absolutely right GJ... with all the lies I've been told by my BP ex you can never absolutely tell truth from fiction... but she couldn't have possibly lied about everything could she?  What could she possible have to gain by telling me all her boyfriends sucked, but that some sucked much more than others?  I would think that her very perspective that some of her ex bf's were crappier than others would lead me to believe that she treated some of them much much worse than others.

On the other hand, you're totally right and I'll never know the truth unless I spoke to each of these previous guys and interviewed them in depth.  Which means I'll never know.  But I still can't help but think that she did in fact treat some of her previous partners more cruelly than others, even though they probably did all suffer to some degree.  

Do you guys not agree with my idea that the more emotionally volatile the partner, the more they will trigger the cruel self-defense mechanisms of the borderline?

[stonehead]

Do you guys not agree with my idea that the more emotionally volatile the partner, the more they will trigger the cruel self-defense mechanisms of the borderline?

I don't think so. From my experience, the more passive (or tolerant) you are, the more cruel and viscious they become. The best way I found was to do the counter attack. From the few times I had done that, I found that she did back down and asked for reconcillations. It didn't last long though, but it felt better than being beaten over the head by an aluminum base ball bat.

[avoidatallcost]

I don't think so. From my experience, the more passive (or tolerant) you are, the more cruel and viscious they become. The best way I found was to do the counter attack. From the few times I had done that, I found that she did back down and asked for reconcillations. It didn't last long though, but it felt better than being beaten over the head by an aluminum base ball bat.

Really?  I found that in the end no matter what I did I always lost... but when I put up a fight and counterattacked her defenses would go up and she'd get extremely angry.  Whereas if I was passive she'd still treat me badly but at least it wouldn't get too crazily out-of-hand.

[stonehead]

I don't think so. From my experience, the more passive (or tolerant) you are, the more cruel and viscious they become. The best way I found was to do the counter attack. From the few times I had done that, I found that she did back down and asked for reconcillations. It didn't last long though, but it felt better than being beaten over the head by an aluminum base ball bat.

Really?  I found that in the end no matter what I did I always lost... but when I put up a fight and counterattacked her defenses would go up and she'd get extremely angry.  Whereas if I was passive she'd still treat me badly but at least it wouldn't get too crazily out-of-hand.

Yes, Avoidatallcost.

From my own experience dealing with my expwBPD, the my passive I was, the more abusive and disrepectful she became, so that at the end, she practically told me that GOD was talking to me through her. The more I explained or appologized (trying to appease her), the more hateful she become.  The couple of times I counter attacked she actually softened her stance a bit, but it did not change the outcome. She still painted me black and dumped me and blamed me for what happened.

I think the best way to deal with these creatures with BPD is to take a hardlined stance and hold your position. Just state your reasons and don't ever backdown or say sorry (they certainly will never say sorry to you). If they want to take off so be it.  The really key for you as a non is to never get too attached to these crazy creatures in the first place!  From now on, I will guard my heart carefully and will never give it to anybody so easily!

[push pull]

It may. in part. be down to relationship cycles. For instance, a borderline may have a string of short term relationships, but might become exhausted - for a period - from all of the drama. So they may then have a relationship where they are just in 'recovery mode' and their acting out behaviours may be kept to a minimum, until they've recovered enough to start lashing out again.

[seeking balance]

This has been a busy thread and we are at the 4 page limit - this thread will be locked now.  Feel free to start a new thread on this topic.

Thank you!