What I meant to say with my story about what really hooked me to him was not that this need for protection would be met by a child - it was related to my desire to have a child WITH a supportive man. I do not think I should apologize for that. As peacebaby noted, millions of single women my age want the same. For god's sake, it is not unnatural. I feel like I am being persecuted here for openly expressing how 90% of single women desiring children feel and what they would really want. I am trying to find a way to make that happen for me.
Sunflower,
It's OK. Really, it is.
Please feel the understanding and care in my words to you. I know I would feel the exact way you do.
As you well know, this place (bpdfamily.com) is a place for nons who deal with, or have dealt with pwBPD. ALL of us here know what it's like, and no one else, who hasn't dealt with this first hand, will understand this situation at all. Of course, no one but you knows your situation completely. We all need to understand that.
I can honestly say that although I have had wonderful times with my pwBPD, and have benefitted from knowing him and being in a r/s with him, I wish I never had children with him. I felt that way LONG before I ever knew what BPD was. I still love the person deep down, but I hate BPD and wish I could erase it from my life. I can't.
I love my children! Even though they are having some serious problems (yes, some genetic!) related to BPD influence, I am glad to have them and will do anything for them, but how I wish I could have given them a different father, a mentally healthy father! And although being a mother is the absoloute JOY of my life, I almost would rather choose no children than children with a BPD father.
My advice is still to look harder. Your time is not up yet, you can do this. Increase your "30% chance". Think about this systematically. What do you like to do- interests, hobbies, etc? How about religious background, it's important to have someone with similar beliefs, right? How about looking through these venues? Get creative. Like I said, I don't have experience looking , but that's where I would start. Maybe some others in a different part of bpdfamily.com, like L6, would have ideas.
Don't give up. There's nothing wrong with your desires, you are a normal healthy woman who has been through a lot, and wants to finally have the life she deserves. I think it's honorable that you are pursuing that. We just want you to do it wisely. You can have your dream, don't give up.
RWO
