I'm thinking to contact my ex and ask him to have a child with me

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am under NO illusions I want to be in a relationship with a BPD partner who is not in treatment.

  Let me just be the first to say Sunflower, if you have a child with your ex there will be a relationship. He will be the father of your child, with all the legal rights afforded to a father. He will be in your life. He will have expectations. You will have to see him. Romantic or not, how is this not a relationship? I mean you will have to sleep with him to get pregnant right? Unless you're planning on going the artificial route, which you said you won't do... but if so... why him?

The quote above totally contradicts what you've been saying. I'm thinking of asking my ex to have a child. The later saying I want unity and a family. These are your words. 

[Suzn]

I am under NO illusions I want to be in a relationship with a BPD partner who is not in treatment.

  Let me just be the first to say Sunflower, if you have a child with your ex there will be a relationship. He will be the father of your child, with all the legal rights afforded to a father. He will be in your life. He will have expectations. You will have to see him. Romantic or not, how is this not a relationship? I mean you will have to sleep with him to get pregnant right? Unless you're planning on going the artificial route, which you said you won't do... but if so... why him?

The quote above totally contradicts what you've been saying. I'm thinking of asking my ex to have a child. The later saying I want unity and a family. These are your words. 

[kenkimg]

Are u a member of and/or work out like at a health club or gym?  If not, That's a GREAT way to meet healthy guys. Especially at clubs with lots of group activities, some of them have soda bars, etc where u can sit around & chat and make new friends in a good environment (And some of them are even stable!).  The exercise would probably help you make good decisions too (beneficial for the mind, body and soul).

Just a thought... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm going to weigh in here as the single parent to an adult, mentally AND physically disabled child. Yes child, chronologically 25, mentally aged 5.  Please, please stop and consider what the challenges could be if your baby were to have limitations, not to mention the BPD gene.

Life is hard, it's so easy to find child care for normal children, try getting dependable care for a child like adult, it's next toi possible, and you open yourself up to people who may not have the best of intentions.  I also have perfectly healthy children, and its not easy being a parent even then!  

Knowing what i do now, about BPD, I cannot even imagine trying to co- parent with that mentality.

None of us can tell you what to do Sunflowers, but I wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've been through and with a BPD partner (I know you say there is no r/s), once the child is here, you have no idea what the father could do, and getting paternal rights severed is a lengthy process in some states.

Godspeed!

[artman.1]

SunflowerFields,

     Quote:  To prove to you that I know healthy now when I see it - I met a most fantastic guy a couple of months ago. He is completely healthy. Amazingly emotionally mature. Has learned his lessons hard. He is healthy, emotionally and physically, and has no issues whatsoever. He also just turned 25.    I felt like crying. He actually really likes me and wants us to travel together etc, but I know that this, in reality, is going nowhere, because of our timing.

It really is tough out there.

     My youngest Son has been living with, and finally married a woman 12 years older than him.  They have been together for about 15 years now, and seem very happy.  I wouldn't give up so easily my dear.  My Son is a Computer Engineer, and they are doing extremely well.  In his case, she already had children, and he raised them with her.  In your case, you want kids, and that will be much better for him.

Art

[Happiest]

Sunflower,

our sweet,

Think... .genetics as someone said. Dont do it for that reason alone.

Dont do it either for this reason - you will have to deal with the ex as the father of your child

Dont do it for this reason either - you are going to mess up your ex's life and he already has plenty to deal with in his poor life as a BPD.

Dont do it either because you have someone who cares for you a lot, who IS normal and who is interested in going further. Be patient.

Dont let age be the deciding factor.

My sister in law has a husband 13 years older - been married 25 years and still in love.

My landlord is 9 years older than her husband - great team and in love still after 15 years.

One of the nicest couples I met have an age difference of 20 years!... .they are great together. (she has a cheeky grin that you just cant wipe off).

Take a brave leap of faith and give that relationship a go. Gently and in awareness.

My vote is No! to the exx,... .seriously

[SunflowerFields]

Thank you all for your comments. You have given me much to think about.

The reason I was struggling with the decision to post this here in the first place was that I knew I would be put in position to defend some of the things I want and some that I don't want. This does not lead to productive, practical solutions. I was hoping to avoid that by putting that in my first post.

I do NOT want to be artificially inseminated.

I do NOT want to adopt.

I do want to have my own child with someone I know.

Those are my choices. I respect those who have made different choices in their lives. I ask respectfully that mine be respected as well. I am trying to find a solution with those choices in mind.

Now, pardon me while I brainstorm.

I realize some of the things I said may seem contradictory. They are not. They are different aspects of what I want that, put together, make all this so challenging practically. If it were not, I would not be posting here.

Yes, I do want family and unity and support of my significant other/father of my child.

Yes, I realize as long as my ex is not back in treatment for his BPD, that cannot happen.

Yes, it would be better for me to be patient and wait for someone else. That also exposes me to a risk of not finding someone to be with long term and have a child with in due time frame.

Those are all facts. Which clash. Hence I am posting here.

Yes, I know having a child with him would be risky - but for me, from emotional aspect only - not genetic - his children from his prior marriages are fine (yes, there is always a risk, but based on prior results, that is not a primary risk I am concerned with)

I work in risk management in the financial industry. I am trying to figure out what I would advise my client who was in the same situation.

If the end goal is having my own child with someone I know, how likely am I to practically get there in time if my ex is not involved? At this point, ballpark estimation to me seems to be about 30%. Given that if I don't get there, I will never get what I want because it will then be biologically impossible.

I have entertained this idea for about a month. Thus it is not really impulsive at this point. That may be soothing - or worrying.

[united for now]

I don't mean this to sound sarcastic... .but  why are you even posing this question to us?

Your parameters and limitations leave no options.

* you won't have a baby with a stranger

* you won't adopt

* you won't consider a sperm bank

* you won't wait to find someone new

Thus, the "only" option you are willing to think about is your ex... .all other options or possibilities have been excluded... .You won't consider them. We can't help you brainstorm when the options are

A) my ex, cause he's not a stranger

B) my ex, cause I want my own baby. No adoption

C) my ex, because I won't use a sperm bank

D) my ex, cause I'm not willing to wait to meet someone new


You asked for advice. The consensus is don't have a baby with your ex, yet that isn't what you want to hear.

Everyone here has suffered at the hands of a pwBPD. It will be rare for someone to tell you to have a child with a man who is mentally ill. Who doesn't want to be with you.  A man who has his own life without you and happiness and 2 families already.

I waited months before deciding to have my first child. 30 days is a blink of an eye... .Have you dicussed this.with a therapist?

[SunflowerFields]

I don't mean this to sound sarcastic... .but  why are you even posing this question to us?

Good question. I noted that I struggled whether to post it. If you feel the question does not belong here, feel free to delete the thread. You are one of the moderators.

Thus, the "only" option you are willing to think about is your ex... .all other options or possibilities have been excluded... .You won't consider them. We can't help you brainstorm when the options are

A) my ex, cause he's not a stranger

B) my ex, cause I want my own baby. No adoption

C) my ex, because I won't use a sperm bank

D) my ex, cause I'm not willing to wait to meet someone new

Where exactly did I say the answer to all those is my ex?

I am surely willing to meet someone new.

If I know the chances of that happening in due time is 30%, is that the risk I am willing to take?

That becomes a question for me. Which I guess only I can answer.

I have no idea whether he still wants me or not. It may not even be possible. The last I heard from him was 2 months ago when he wrote me and tried to get back together with me. I pretty much blew him off because, as I wrote to him, true intimacy was something I needed, and that is something that, in his current state, would have triggered him greatly and caused him pain.

I waited months before deciding to have my first child.

How old were you when you had your first child?

[pallavirajsinghani]

Sunflower Fields:

I just watched the documentary ":)ear Zachery" last night.  Please watch it for a first hand perspective.  It may trigger you but I think that it will help you walk through you dilemma and reach an informed conclusion.

God bless.

[SunflowerFields]

I don't mean this to sound sarcastic... .but  why are you even posing this question to us?

Good question. I noted that I struggled whether to post it. If you feel the question does not belong here, feel free to delete the thread. You are one of the moderators.

Thus, the "only" option you are willing to think about is your ex... .all other options or possibilities have been excluded... .You won't consider them. We can't help you brainstorm when the options are

A) my ex, cause he's not a stranger

B) my ex, cause I want my own baby. No adoption

C) my ex, because I won't use a sperm bank

D) my ex, cause I'm not willing to wait to meet someone new

Where exactly did I say the answer to all those is my ex?

I am surely willing to meet someone new.

If I know the chances of that happening in due time is 30%, is that the risk I am willing to take?

That becomes a question for me. Which I guess only I can answer.

It will be rare for someone to tell you to have a child with a man who is mentally ill.

Fair enough. Which is precisely why I thought it might be a good idea to post on bpdfamily. Not many other places would know the intricacies of BPD.

Who doesn't want to be with you.  A man who has his own life without you and happiness and 2 families already.

I have no idea whether he still wants me or not. It may not even be possible. The last I heard from him was 2 months ago when he wrote me and tried to get back together with me. I pretty much blew him off because, as I wrote to him, true intimacy was something I needed, and that is something that, in his current state, would have triggered him greatly and caused him pain.

I waited months before deciding to have my first child.

How old were you when you had your first child?

[Steph]

  So let me ask you this, because I dont understand. I thought that you wanted to be a mother, and that was your goal.

What I see is that you are considering, even desiring having the child of a man that has a serious and untreated mental illness, which will put him in the life of your child forever. And yours.

What are you hoping, in the best case scenario, should you choose this, to happen? If you snap your fingers and the best possible outcome happens, what does that look like?

Are you hoping to use him for a sperm donor, or are you also seeking a way for him to stay involved with you and the child?  And if you do get pregnant by him, how do you see him being with you and the child going forward?

Steph

[yeeter]

Hi Sunflower.   Hi!

Quite a dilemma, and a very personal choice.  I will give you a couple thoughts from my (a male) perspective - dont know if they are at all useful.

First - if you have a child with another person then that person WILL (most probably) be involved in the childs life at some point, and in some way.  Why specifically choose a mentally ill person for this?

There are lots of ways to have children.  There is anonymous sperm donor banks.  There are flings with strangers you can setup (it happens!).  There is adoption (and a lot of children need a loving, quality home).  Which of these you choose is a personal choice.  But there are choices.

As for age - and finding someone younger than you.  Somewhat irrelevant.  I would question the clarity of the process selection of mating (and tying your life forever) under the pressure of the 'biological clock'.  Right now - this biological clock trumps ALL other reasoning from your perspective.  Once you get what you want in the near term, the long term may or may not work out.  Any man that 'has it completely together' should see this and it should be a big huge red flag on staying away (sounds harsh - but given how messed up men are in your target age range - which you have firsthand knowledge of - going this route would statistically add to the pool already there).  Maybe this is my own resentment and damage after having been destroyed by my wife - so feel free to take it with a grain of salt and write it off.

So (slap slap slap) - get some reason back in yourself!  (smiles - thats a joke! - you asked to have some knocked back into you). 

Dont start (or restart) a relationship with a mentally ill person.

You have options.  Use them.  (just my advice)

[peacebaby]

It sounds like you are in the same position millions of women your age are in--getting older, no boyfriend, want baby, clock suddenly ticking fast. I don't know much about biology, but I bet the clock is a real biological force within you saying "make baby, keep baby safe" and because this man is your most recent serious ex, he is the one you think of to build the nest with for this baby. I imagine this is totally natural--we all think of our last lover as "Lover" until the next one comes around. It sounds like you want what lots of people want and don't ever get--a safe home with a loving partner and a healthy baby.

Sounds like you want

1. safe home

2. man to make baby with to share home

3. baby (created by sex with man)

The chance of you meeting The Right Guy who feels the same way about you and wants to have kids NOW is nil--love takes time. You have lots of choices for making a baby, but the only one you can see is your ex. And that's where it gets weird. Even if he didn't have a mental illness that makes for terrible parents, you've broken up, and you have new lives. Can you think of any healthy reason you would choose to attempt this with him at this point? I mean, even if he didn't have BPD, but especially as he does. But if healthy is not your goal, okay, but then why would you ask all your friends and everyone here, knowing we'll say Bad Idea if you didn't want to hear that?

I imagine the thread was moved to Staying because you sound like you want to re-enter an intimate relationship with your ex. You're telling us you're considering having a child with him, and not considering this young guy. 12 years is not a huge difference. You're considering making an unhealthy choice and asking us to help stop you from making it, right?

[KateCat]

I hope my comment is in the spirit of peacebaby's comment above (just reminding you of things you already know):

I think the person you know who had her child at 53 should frankly be jailed.

It's probably not so great for a child to have a 53-year-old, mentally ill, twice-divorced father either.  ;p  

[Auspicious]

What are you hoping, in the best case scenario, should you choose this, to happen? If you snap your fingers and the best possible outcome happens, what does that look like?

Great question.

What are you hoping to happen, if you pursue this with your ex? What does your best case scenario look like?

[WillThisGetBetter]

I hate to point this one obvious point out:  parents are supposed to protect and nurture their children.  It appears to me that your need to have a child is trumping this primary objective.  You just want a baby, and you want a baby now and you don't particularly seem to care whether or not you are dosing that poor child with less than favourable genes... .I mean it's not diabetes... .it's basically the "unhappy" gene, regardless of whether his other kids turned out fine, you're playing russian roullette with this child's life.  Secondly, you are giving that child at least one mentally ill parent, third, the relationship between his mother and father is over even before conception, with no hope of reconciling.  I think the only thing left for you to do is to plan to give birth in an active war zone... .in a country that frowns on single mothers and fatherless children.  Then I think you'ld have it wrapped up.

[SunflowerFields]

What are you hoping, in the best case scenario, should you choose this, to happen? If you snap your fingers and the best possible outcome happens, what does that look like?

Great question.

What are you hoping to happen, if you pursue this with your ex? What does your best case scenario look like?

It's a very good question indeed.

Honest answer: I haven't thought that far yet.

Really honest, raw answer: Are you asking me about the best dream scenario, or the best realistic scenario?

If I were to pull the magic wand and say, "this is what dreams are made of"? He continues with therapy and gets into Schema. Not DBT. Schema is for him. And we see how it progresses.

Best realistic scenario? If I were to get pregnant, I would like him in some way in my life. How, I haven't figured that out yet.

[Clearmind]

The 'best' dream or realistic scenarios are two extremes – there is much grey in there. No one likes to be questioned when it comes to decisions and I can understand feeling defensive.

Sleepless nights, vomit over our shoulder, pooey diapers, sick baby, days off work, potential for post natal, short of money, day care is closed for the holidays, can’t find a sitter, so tired you can’t move, all your friends are at work and have busy single, fun filled lives.

In other words we need to get ‘real’ that motherhood is hard. Looking at the logistics is important – throw a BPD parent into the mix! How will that look? I certainly know what its like to have one!

When you are tired, upset and frustrated what do you think your BPD SO would want regardless? A baby is needy, needy, needy and relies on you 100%! Your SO wants 100% of you too! BPD is an emotional disorder and while untreated, you are in for a rough ride.

If you are wanting support, if you want understanding and for him to tell you when you are 8 months pregnant that you don’t look fat – you won’t get it. If you want a sitter at the last minute because you are sick and need to head to the doctor – don’t rely on it. If you want to sit and discuss co-parenting ~ again don’t rely on it. He is untreated!

One thing I realised coming out of my relationship is ~ I was living a fantasy and so was my ex. We both needed saving from our own very real dysfunction! My fantasy thoughts of having a child with him post break-up was maintaining that fantasy very much alive. I had to break that cycle.

I am somewhat healed from my ordeal (stemming back from childhood) following probably $5K in therapy. Would I want to ‘deal’ with my ex on top of looking after a new born, continuing to regain my emotional worth and energy that I allowed to be sucked dry? Fantasy land is very short lived and chock full of emotional turmoil.

Think beyond the ‘holding a newborn in your arms’ with your SO looking adoringly on from the sidelines.

Be kind to you and you will make the right decision for you and your potential child.

[anker]

that you would rather give your child at terrible parent than an anonymous one, that's odd to me. red flag. not in your childs best interest.

honestly the while thing sounds like self sabotage to me.

[SunflowerFields]

Thanks Clearmind ( Hi! - miss ya from the Leaving board where this thread got started  )

So many things have been on my mind and some of them have nothing to do with this particular subject. Or at least not directly. Or obviously. Or to the untrained eye.

I've been thinking back in the past - what it is that really hooked me onto him. What was the moment I got that deep-gutted feeling of, "this guy".

Often on the Leaving board we talk about them being so finely tuned to our needs by extreme mirroring.

On our first extended trip together, when he took me to his home country to support him in a sporting hobby he had, we had the most magic time (of course). It was lovely, beautiful, all that one would ever want.

But even that wasn't it.

On the way back, we stopped at a gas station. I needed to buy cigarettes. I asked the attendant for my brand. She said she didn't have it. Then I asked, "how come you don't have it". She became rude to me. Like - obviously rude. I was shocked.

He was standing next to me. At that moment - when she became rude - and I got just a bit shocked - and hurt deep down - at that very moment - he blasted at her. Defending me. Threatened her to call the manager. Really let her have it. Then he started leaving, put his arm protectively around me, and took me out.

I sat in the car, in the passenger seat. He started driving. I just looked at him. Stared at him. Then looked ahead.

At that moment - I felt protected. Like I had never felt in my life. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. My eyes started tearing up. Something deep inside me turned.

He knew.

The next day, we were at the airport. He was with me at the counter, while I was checking my bags in. The airline eimployee wanted to charge me for extra weight in my luggage. He put on his smile, whipped out his airline status card, and asked her to overlook that, since he is a gold member. She told him that I was flying, not him. He smiled at her and shot back, "yeah, but I got her the ticket".  She smiled - and let me go.

We parted with tears. That was the real beginning of us. I was hooked.

He knew.

He knew that deep down, I needed to feel safe. That, deep down, I needed to feel protected.  He knew it. Three years before I did.

It was not until after we broke up that I unwound all this. That my tough, businesswoman, don't-need-anyone front, was just that - a front - covering a deep-seeded need to feel protected myself. Giving others what I needed myself.

Since then, tables had gradually shifted. I would be more and more in position to be his caretaker. Every now and then, his "protector" would come back, only to disappear again and give me the soapbox. Which I never wanted.

[anker]

I'm disturbed by this thread. your deep concern with what you WANT is sounding more important, than what your child will NEED

being a good mother doesn't work that way.

[SunflowerFields]

I'm disturbed by this thread. your deep concern with what you WANT is sounding more important, than what your child will NEED

being a good mother doesn't work that way.

I regret the thread is disturbing to you. You do not have to read it if that is the case.

[Happiest]

I'm disturbed by this thread. your deep concern with what you WANT is sounding more important, than what your child will NEED

being a good mother doesn't work that way.

I regret the thread is disturbing to you. You do not have to read it if that is the case.

I had five children. I realised too late that the father I chose had problems that today, 30 years later, have caused two people in his life to attempt suicide through the emmense issues. I regret my choice of father for my children to the core. This thread is difficult for me to read also.

It IS disturbing thats a fact.

I do wish you the very best. I know how intense the yearning to have a child is. I wanted one with my current H., but thankfully got over it. (my situation is different to yours though as I already have kids).

Yes the WANTING a child is a very valid core desire.

But like you suggest, if this thread is disturbing to me, and it is, I'm also bowing out of reading any more of it.

I hope you have had enough feedback to get the advice your NEEDING even though it may not be what you were wanting.

Once last thing, your concern is age I'm asuming -

my sister and three of my friends had thier children at 34, 35, 37, & 41

They were ready and had the right men. If I could do it all again, I would have done the same. They are healthy, financialy comfortable and are secure. The men they chose in thier lives are fantastic men.

I believe its turned out this way for them because they made mature decisions.

As a consequence the children are all gorgeously happy, functional and every night they went to bed, they are tucked in by a Mum that is contented.

Thats a huge gift to start your childs life with.

Sincere best wishes - go with the nice guy.

[seeking balance]

Sunflower - you have gotten the wisdom from many  members of this board; I don't recall seeing so many stars (senior members) in one thread... .so what has prompted this attention seeking behavior by you?

You are a smart woman, I have followed your posts for over a year - you know there is no logical reason to have a baby with your ex for all the reasons listed.  

So what happened to prompt this drama?  Have you talked to a therapist about your unresolved, "deep, gutted feelings" for him recently?  I don't really think that you think a baby is going to solve this for you, do you?

[OTB]

Sunflower... .if you think your pwBPD will not be jealous of a baby... .think again!  My ex was jealous of my 17 year old son and she lived an ocean apart.  If I did something for him or the best one was when I took him last summer to New York... .just me and him.  She said I am really jealous of that because New York was "our place."  

They demand constant attention and I am not talking about the baby.

I think I lived in a fantasy world with my ex.  I traveled from the US to Europe to visit her.  We went traveling throughout Europe.  She took care of me and the codependency kicked into high gear.  

No wonder... .I am having a difficult time detaching.

It is only your decision to make and if you asked for input, I would hope you would take some of the opinions expressed here into consideration in your decision. There are a lot of people on here with a wealth of experience with people with BPD.

Best of luck to you.

OTB

[Steph]

What are you hoping, in the best case scenario, should you choose this, to happen? If you snap your fingers and the best possible outcome happens, what does that look like?

Great question.

What are you hoping to happen, if you pursue this with your ex? What does your best case scenario look like?

It's a very good question indeed.

Honest answer: I haven't thought that far yet.

Really honest, raw answer: Are you asking me about the best dream scenario, or the best realistic scenario?

If I were to pull the magic wand and say, "this is what dreams are made of"? He continues with therapy and gets into Schema. Not DBT. Schema is for him. And we see how it progresses.

Best realistic scenario? If I were to get pregnant, I would like him in some way in my life. How, I haven't figured that out yet.

More of my story

My H got well in DBT and I didnt, for a long time. He left me at a little after the 2 yr mark because I was still stuck in my stuff. Eventually, I ended up here, ended up in therapy and we reconciled.

We, however, are both different people. Recovery will change him, as it changes everyone. There is no guarantee that recovery would end up with him wanting a child or your relationship... ya know? Even if that happened.

And so, look farther ahead. Lets say he made it into recovery? And he is well?

I also note that your

"this is what dreams are made of" scenario that the baby isnt mentioned.


What I am wondering is... is having his child about getting him back into your life?

Is that what is really behind it?

If so, its time to think some more.

If not, then why not consider other men/alternatives? For the most part, barring infertility, its pretty easy to get pregnant. To me, its looking more like wanting the man back.

I could be wrong...

And I know how addicting/powerful a non/BPD r/s can be... .and like others here, I am wondering what is going on, right now, to bring this up...

You could be at the cusp of changing, tho, and ready to turn a corner into a healthier space... .and sometimes, when that happens, we freak out and start clutching the familiar but ucky stuff right before something clicks so that we arent longing for our old, dysfunctional ways and past any more. I am wondering about this, too... .

In AA we talk about sitting in our own pile of dung... .its warm, its soft, its familiar... and its still dung... .and so often we do this just as we are about to leap off of a cliff into the arms of something healthy, unfamiliar and scary... Not saying this is where you are at, but something has prompted your thinking in that direction.


Steph

[SunflowerFields]

Steph - I know your story. I read it like a bible for many months at first. The key diff b/w your H and my ex is that your H did not self soothe with always having backups and was suicidal. My ex is very HF, with 8/9 strong N traits. That's why DBT would not work for him. Even my T (who is very well versed in BPD) told me that. Schema would be the way for him - if there was a way.

Is it a way to get him back into my life? Absolutely, categorically NO. I had though the baby was assumed in that question. I did not realize it wasn't. I regret if not mentioning it caused misunderstanding.

SB - Back in May, after he and I had tried again, and I broke down, and you comfored me, you asked me in one question (I still remember), "what is behind this? What is driving your desire to keep this r/s?" It was a great question. The answer was this. I was afraid to voice my real fears. Now I am not. I am not seeking attention with this thread. I have just bottled my needs and my desires my whole life. Now I know they are normal. My biological need for a child is normal. My ticking clock is normal. What I meant to say with my story about what really hooked me to him was not that this need for protection would be met by a child - it was related to my desire to have a child WITH a supportive man.  I do not think I should apologize for that. As peacebaby noted, millions of single women my age want the same. For god's sake, it is not unnatural. I feel like I am being persecuted here for openly expressing how 90% of single women desiring children feel and what they would really want. I am trying to find a way to make that happen for me.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Is it a way to get him back into my life? Absolutely, categorically NO. I had though the baby was assumed in that question. I did not realize it wasn't. I regret if not mentioning it caused misunderstanding.

You can write that in black and white? but there is no more intimate way to be eternally bound to someone than having their child... .there just isn't.

I'm an old fogy here for sure, raised five children, still raising a very young one, and doing it alone, life is hard under the best of circumstances.  The baby phase is the easiest of phases when you control their every waking moment, when they eat, sleep, what they wear, what you read to them, allow them to watch or listen to.  When they have minds of their own things become a bit more interesting, when they have opinions, look out! 

It is my gut feeling here that you are not in anyway done with this r/s, but that is purely my feeling.

I know there have been strong opinions voiced here, almost everyone telling you it isn't a very good idea, and I too, would join that chorus.

My mother had an expression when I was growing up, "those who can't learn, will feel"  It took me years to know what she was talking about, but it's so true. I would hope and pray that all of the advice given would help you to see that this isn't in your best interest, much less that of an innocent child.

I wish you the very best in your endeavor, truly I do, but more than that? I wish you the guidance, in however you best seek it out, to be  honest with yourself, and then and only then, can you make a truly informed decision.

Grace and peace always... .

[Clearmind]

Sunflower, members are not condeming you for wanting a child. It is a natural feelings for some woman.

Processing heightened emotions is not easy Sunflower. The hook you describe, the wanting a baby you describe, your need for protection are all very real to you. Compartmenalizing all this rather than throwing them into a mixed bag marked “Hold on tight” will inevitably cause some upset and confusion. Stepping back and processing all the compartments is helpful for decision making.

Processing our emotions/pain, without the dazzle of magical thinking and fantasy thoughts takes time and patience. Be patient with yourself. Healing from past pain can only be a major plus – your potential child will benefit. I am thankful for therapy ~ it will help me to be a compassionate, understanding and validating parent ~ diametric to my own childhood.

Yes there is a hook! I know it all too well and one I needed to process.

Processing BPD: it’s very real and his healing is very separate to yours. His self esteem is bolstered by impressing others ~ and you were impressed and felt protected. He needs saving and as you alluded to you did too.

A baby with your SO won’t:

- hook your SO

- bring you closer

- make him see the light

- convince him to seek therapy and stay in it

- heal your own core wounds

- be a support to you - like you deserve

Often on the Leaving board we talk about them being so finely tuned to our needs by extreme mirroring.

Yes! And so are we. Not every ‘non’ attaches to a pwBPD and not every pwBPD attaches to just any ‘non’. There is a reason for the union.

Are you in therapy Sunflower?

On our first extended trip together, when he took me to his home country to support him in a sporting hobby he had, we had the most magic time (of course). It was lovely, beautiful, all that one would ever want.

But even that wasn't it.

For me, the cycle of ups and downs were addicitive. The highs were validating for me, because I felt whole, good, nice! The lows were depressing and in a desperate attempt to be back in the good books I shut my emotions down and lost myself. Once the high returned I was again validated. This is of no fault of my SO ~ this was my own high and had to dig deep to figure out why I had developed such a high tolerance.

On the way back, we stopped at a gas station. I needed to buy cigarettes. I asked the attendant for my brand. She said she didn't have it. Then I asked, "how come you don't have it". She became rude to me. Like - obviously rude. I was shocked.

He was standing next to me. At that moment - when she became rude - and I got just a bit shocked - and hurt deep down - at that very moment - he blasted at her. Defending me. Threatened her to call the manager. Really let her have it. Then he started leaving, put his arm protectively around me, and took me out.

I sat in the car, in the passenger seat. He started driving. I just looked at him. Stared at him. Then looked ahead.

At that moment - I felt protected. Like I had never felt in my life. It was the most amazing feeling in the world. My eyes started tearing up. Something deep inside me turned.

Only you know. Prior to your ex ~ did you ever feel protected?

It was not until after we broke up that I unwound all this. That my tough, businesswoman, don't-need-anyone front, was just that - a front - covering a deep-seeded need to feel protected myself. Giving others what I needed myself.

Good insight. And its OK ~ looking after you is important and much deserving.

Since then, tables had gradually shifted. I would be more and more in position to be his caretaker. Every now and then, his "protector" would come back, only to disappear again and give me the soapbox. Which I never wanted.

Sunflower, to clarify ~ do you mean since your break-up?

Highs and lows are addictive.

[Steph]

 Having a child will get him back into your life... .good, bad and ugly. AND your childs life. Would he be a good dad?

I surely dont blame you for wanting a baby. Not at all... .I went thru hell with years of infertility and adopted my 2 kids, years ago. I am a happy grandma of 4 now, but I still remember that longing. I do get it. I think the big question here is, then... if it isnt about him getting into your life again... .a natural consequence os you getting pregnant with his child... .then why him?  Why not someone else? You take a huge chance with him genetically, and so I am truly wondering why him? If he did get you pregnant, would you let him know? How do you think he might react?

Schema is a great new therapy, btw, and its very promising. My H wishes it was around when he was in DBT, simply because he likes how it seems, for some, to get results much faster and he is all about results in as an efficient manner as possible. I hope he can find his way there some day!