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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: Did anyone meet their "BPD" online? [Dating Stats included]  (Read 13856 times)
vegasbaby
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« on: September 17, 2012, 01:03:44 PM »

I met my BPD exbf on a dating website and ive read it littered with them. im curious to know if others met their BPD on a dating website?
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« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2012, 01:10:54 PM »

Facts Are Critical to Maintain Perspective and Balance
 
More facts from bpdfamily.com... .
 
Source: Reuters, Herald News, PC World, Washington Post
 
Online Dating Statistics
 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
Total number of single people in the U.S.
 
Total number of people in the U.S. who have tried online dating
 
Total eHarmony members
 
Total Match.com members
 
Number of questions to fill out on eHarmony survey
 
Annual revenue from the online dating industry
 
Average spent by dating site customer per year
 
Average length of courtship for marriages that met online
 
Average length of courtship for marriages that met offline
 
% of users who leave within the first 3 months
 
% of male online dating users
 
% of female online dating users
 
% who say common interests are the most important factor
 
% who say physical characteristics are the most important factor
 
% of marriages where the couple met on a dating site
 
% of current committed relationships that began online
 
% of people who believe in love at first sight
 
% of women who have sex on the first online dating encounter
 
% who dated more than 1 person simultaneously
 
% of sex offenders who use online dating to meet people
 
What's more important on a first date
 
~ Personality
 
~ Smile & Looks
 
~ Sense of Humor
 
~ Career & Education
 
Type of hair color most people are attracted to
 
~ Blonde
 
~ Brown
 
~ Black
 
~ Don't Mind
 
~ Red
 
~ Bald
 
~ Gray
 
Girls Prefer
 
~ Nice Guys
 
~ Bad Guys
 
~ Blend of Both
 
~ Any man I can get
 
Guys Prefer
 
~ The modern career girl
 
~ The girl next door type
 
~ The hottie
Data
 
--------------
 
54 Million
 
40 Million
 
20 Million
 
15 Million
 
400
 
$1.049 Billion
 
$239
 
18.5 Months
 
42 Months
 
10%
 
52.40%
 
47.60%
 
64%
 
49%
 
17%
 
20%
 
71%
 
33%
 
53%
 
10%
 


30%
 
23%
 
14%
 
10%


 
32%
 
16%
 
16%
 
16%
 
8%
 
8%
 
4%


 
38%
 
15%
 
34%
 
6%


 
42%
 
34%
 
24%

Online Dating Facts
 
A woman's desirablility online peaks at 21
 
At 26, Women have more online pursuers than men
 
By 48, Men have twice as many online pursuers as Women
 
Men lie most about; Age, Height, Income
 
Women lie most about: Weight, Physical Build, Age
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susanleona
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« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2012, 01:17:14 PM »

It was on Facebook.  We both farmed.  But some people use Facebook like a dating site... .
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drv3006
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« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2012, 01:21:46 PM »

Mine was on a telephone dating service.
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« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2012, 01:29:15 PM »

Met mine on Match.com... .never again.

Match says it  has more marriages than any other site... .I wonder how many divorces it has  as well.

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« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2012, 01:34:17 PM »

Met mine on Match.com... .never again.

Match says it  has more marriages than any other site... .I wonder how many divorces it has  as well.

Ditto... .and ditto on never again.

M
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vegasbaby
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« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2012, 01:37:10 PM »

Mine was anotherfriend.com. ive read its a hunting ground for them. it makes sense if u need access to supply without much actual leg work. im with u.u never again. itl b intrresting to see how many people met this way
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GreenMango
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« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2012, 01:38:25 PM »

I knew mine for 4 years first and we were good friends during that time.  

It's a disorder of intimacy so once you are too close or reality of commitment sets in the disorder is triggered.  But I think there are always warning flags regardless of whether its in person or online.

But it seems like online you need to be more careful.  People can pretend like they are or want a lot of things online without raising too many flags.

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« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2012, 01:46:08 PM »

Very true greenmango. I think id b too gunshy of online dating after this. meeting from the start in person gives ur senses a better chance to assess interaction
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2012, 02:09:56 PM »

Excerpt
ive read its a hunting ground for them.

There's been many threads over the years about this subject, and it's not surprising that many here met online, since meeting people online is pretty much the standard way of dating and meeting people these days.  Not just for 'disordered people' but for people, period. Otherwise, those hunting for prey would only find other 'hunters', right?

Online dating is full of folks who are past their 20's,  work for a living or otherwise have busy lives/schedules, who have some baggage already, eg., been married once before, or been in a relationship or several that didn't work out, maybe some kids, and are well past the college years where you can run around a campus that is a target rich environment for meeting dating prospects like falling off a log.

Disordered people (personality disorder or some challenging traits of this nature)  aren't on dating websites to 'hunt prey'... .other than perhaps those so seriously ill that they have actual criminal intent... .

They go for the exact same reasons everyone goes to dating websites; to find someone to date.  

The same old advice our grandparents were giving us long before the internet was even a thought... .would give sufficient protection from those who are perhaps not very emotinally well.

-Don't hop into bed with someone you dont' know well yet.

-Date someone casually for a good long time before you get into anything serious with them.

-Meet people's family and freinds and get some real background before you get into anything serious with them.

-Take your time and get to KNOW SOMEONE really WELL before you get into anything serious with them.

Most of us didn't do some of these things, or did them... .saw very clear signs of emotional instability or bright red flags that were of concern, and moved forward, anyway.  Idealization is about two emotionally immature people hooking up, not just one preying on the other.  Self preservation, common sense,  and self care is our responsibility as adults.  It's not one elses job but our own.




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« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2012, 02:14:40 PM »

Gunshy... .you and me both. Smiling (click to insert in post). But I do find that working on my values, boundaries, and communication skills really help me to feel safer and more aware when meeting people and vetting for who I let in my life.  It's feels very comfortable in being assertive in letting my yes mean yes and no mean no.  I think its about learning to trust yourself again.

This goes for friends or romance.  Being able to see when there are too many or  very real differences in values and being willing to let that person be has been the most positive improvement in my life.

But right after my relationship was over I was totally skittish.  I was really hypersensitive to seeing any indication of a PD.  This relaxes with time.

I don't know about you guys but I didn't trust my judgment after the relationship.  Online seems to test the judgment skills, like Maybeso mentioned.


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« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2012, 02:16:17 PM »

Maybe it's just my bad luck but I've met several men that way and hands down, with the exception of one, they were clearly not emotionally healthy--or maybe even electronically, that's whom I attracted, whatever, makes no matter to me. I've gone back to my traditional roots, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

The oddest experience I had was one telling me over dinner about his awful credit history and awful spending habits. I ended up paying my 1/2 of dinner and just about headed in a flat-out run to my car.

M
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« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2012, 02:26:43 PM »

YES I did and never again-

Although I felt it was once a good way to screen potential dates... .it is also a way for people to control what you *know* about them from the first glimpse, First impression.

My H was very skilled at crafting a terrific first impression-he just couldn't maintain the facade.

Lordy, I was emotionally immature (thought I *needed* someone) and vulnerable.

Now-not as much of either.

GL

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« Reply #13 on: September 17, 2012, 02:32:36 PM »

Lol ran for ur car eh Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). Im sure for sum folks internet dating is the way to go. personally id not recommend it. most people in ireland marry in their 30's cos u better b sute cos u'be to b separated 4 years out of the last five to qualify for a divorce so people dint rush into it so people are single here withiut ex wives r hysbands r kids well into their forties so its still viable to meet people socially who are available other than online who single like those in their 20's maybe more so than in other countries where divorce is a lot quicker. we only have divorce since 1995. till then it literslly was till death do us part. hard to believe but true
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« Reply #14 on: September 17, 2012, 03:30:16 PM »

"-Don't hop into bed with someone you dont' know well yet.

-Date someone casually for a good long time before you get into anything serious with them.

-Meet people's family and freinds and get some real background before you get into anything serious with them.

-Take your time and get to KNOW SOMEONE really WELL before you get into anything serious with them."


Thank you, MaybeSo.  Very good points! 

I do not have a good track record in following these suggestions, but I plan to follow through with them in my future.
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« Reply #15 on: September 17, 2012, 04:59:30 PM »

Another onliner here. But you can know someone in real time as friends for years, without ever suspecting that they'll only get the crazies when they are intimate with you. I am a personal eye witness to this.
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« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2012, 08:22:26 PM »

Yes I met mine on a dating website.

Yet I also met my current guy on a dating website. Only exception is my current guy is sweet, empathetic, loving, consistant, none of that stuff I dealt with the exBPDbf.

There are some good guys on dating websites just as there are those with BPD.

BTW my ex husband (#2)and I met through my work, I dated him 4 years before we got married and I never really knew him. I ended up leaving him after begging we get counseling for a year. He had some serious issues as well.
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« Reply #17 on: September 18, 2012, 03:17:39 PM »

Met mine on Match.com... .never again.

Match says it  has more marriages than any other site... .I wonder how many divorces it has  as well.

Ditto... .and ditto on never again.

M

Yep. Match.com for me, too.  I often wonder how different my life would be today if I had stuck with my first impression of her. 

Much better to get introduced by friends, like with the girl I see now.  That couldn't have happened with my x BPD w.  She didn't have any friends.
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2012, 03:21:04 PM »

[Much better to get introduced by friends, like with the girl I see now.  That couldn't have happened with my x BPD w.  She didn't have any friends.[/quote]
So true and that made me laugh, mine had no friends either
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vegasbaby
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« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2012, 04:59:10 PM »

Mine had no friends either
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« Reply #20 on: September 18, 2012, 05:12:30 PM »

Mine had no friends either. No, I'm not a parrot.

And seriously, not one friend.

M
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« Reply #21 on: September 18, 2012, 06:26:35 PM »

Defo a red flaf for any relationship a partner with no friends it screams cant bond with anyone. i never gave it much thought before but id never go near anyone again who hasnt at least one friend they soend time with apart from family
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« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2012, 08:00:23 AM »

Still married to mine... but she put an add on nostringsattached.com... .she met a guy on there. 
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« Reply #23 on: September 21, 2012, 10:22:44 AM »

Met mine on eHarmony... .Thanks guys
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« Reply #24 on: September 21, 2012, 10:39:28 AM »

My ex found me on Facebook.   Which is kind of ironic, because (as so many others here report), he had absolutely no friends in real life.  Not one.
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« Reply #25 on: September 21, 2012, 12:55:44 PM »

I met mine on a dating site as well. My ex grew up in another country, and had only been in the country where we live for 4 months (better career prospects), and it seemed like he had plenty of friends. They were just conveniently in another country!
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« Reply #26 on: September 21, 2012, 05:02:53 PM »

met on dating site... .no friends... .
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« Reply #27 on: September 23, 2012, 12:06:08 AM »

Another vote for Match.com  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #28 on: September 23, 2012, 01:04:46 AM »

I met my stx on a board where I asked some questions about my computer... .

So my porpose was really not dating. And it took some time until we came closer.

But: There were at least one very big Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  : He did a lot of mobbing on this board. Out of the blue he attacked people verbally (!) and didn't stop, he got banned and came back under a new name about 5 times and he mad a lot of pressure on me to take his side in the conflict... .The last one I could prevent. But for the rest: I did not recognize how strange/not normal his behaviour was!

Sidenote: I met him on a board and another board  Smiling (click to insert in post)  helped me out. This is how life goes sometimes.
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« Reply #29 on: September 23, 2012, 09:29:07 AM »

Hi.  I met mine online.

And she has no friends either, as well at very strained relations with her family.
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« Reply #30 on: September 23, 2012, 08:25:49 PM »

Match.com. But I saw she was divorced with a 1 y/o. Has to be some serious baggage already but I had this strong feeling that "I really should give her a chance. She just needs someone who cares." I always told her she "looked sweet." I'm guessing what I really meant was that she looked vulnerable. I was primed to be a rescuer (didn't know it or anything about BPD at the time). The first time we talked I found out she was divorced TWO times at the age of 24 y/o. I should have moved at a snail's pace but I fell for the seduction.

Move sloowly... .online and in real life. Lesson learned.
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« Reply #31 on: September 23, 2012, 10:31:17 PM »

Does it really matter where you meet someone? It is not about themit is about me.do I have healthy self esteem, boundaries? If the answer is no I will be attracted to a BPD anywhere. If the answer is yes, it doesn't matter where you meet. I put together a list of qualities I required in order to be in a relationship. I have looked at the list less frequently but I still review it. I have been dating her for 9 months and she exceeds the list.

We met on match.com, si I go back to my original statement. It is about my emotional health not where I met someone.
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« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2012, 01:46:32 PM »

Mine was met online... .No friends outside of her work.
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« Reply #33 on: September 24, 2012, 09:01:53 PM »

Craigslist here... .
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« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2012, 01:06:05 AM »

Does it really matter where you meet someone? It is not about themit is about me.do I have healthy self esteem, boundaries? If the answer is no I will be attracted to a BPD anywhere. If the answer is yes, it doesn't matter where you meet. I put together a list of qualities I required in order to be in a relationship. I have looked at the list less frequently but I still review it. I have been dating her for 9 months and she exceeds the list.

We met on match.com, si I go back to my original statement. It is about my emotional health not where I met someone.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #35 on: September 25, 2012, 08:01:18 AM »

myspace, but it doesn't matter for me either. Our problem was the different language and complications. My ex typical BPD, liked and still likes to controll everything in her life not just me. The long distance was out of her control. I noticed it early but she could even met me in the grocery in my home town and I would have ignored all the red flags.

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« Reply #36 on: September 25, 2012, 08:01:54 AM »

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« Reply #37 on: September 25, 2012, 10:58:21 AM »

Yep met him on line and like most everyone else - Never again !

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« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2012, 10:04:10 AM »

Met him on "Plentyoffish.com" way back in 2008.

I had used this site and met a couple of nightmares that did not go anywhere.

Then I spotted him, or rather, he began messaging me. He was very polite and sweet

and did not come across like the rest. We spoke on the phone for many months before we

eventually met in person. I wasnt looking for romance at the time but we became very close

and I fell in love.

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« Reply #39 on: September 29, 2012, 11:51:33 AM »

We met on the internet too. Not a dating site, it was a music forum. I wasn't looking for anyone. I was in a relationship when we "connected".

She didn't have any real friends at the time. Only virtual ones. Through out the years she was with me she did manage to make friends and grew as a person in many ways. I can at least say that much.
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« Reply #40 on: September 29, 2012, 12:07:47 PM »

Craigslist, and she had and still has a million friends.

And I've met of the most amazing people ever on Craisglist too. Most people meet their SOs online these days.

So, there you go.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #41 on: December 27, 2013, 05:36:07 PM »

Plenty of Fish and only one friend if you can call him that.  I refer to him and the enabler/accomplice. 
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« Reply #42 on: December 27, 2013, 05:55:35 PM »

Another onliner here. But you can know someone in real time as friends for years, without ever suspecting that they'll only get the crazies when they are intimate with you. I am a personal eye witness to this.

Me too. Worked with her for 3 years prior to dating. I would have never guessed in a million years.
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« Reply #43 on: December 27, 2013, 10:31:37 PM »

"-Don't hop into bed with someone you dont' know well yet.

-Date someone casually for a good long time before you get into anything serious with them.

-Meet people's family and freinds and get some real background before you get into anything serious with them.

-Take your time and get to KNOW SOMEONE really WELL before you get into anything serious with them."


Thank you, MaybeSo.  Very good points! 

I do not have a good track record in following these suggestions, but I plan to follow through with them in my future.

I always relied on this one as being a good gage. Boy was I wrong. They think he is the second coming. He makes very sure to keep a set of fans and enablers around. Even in the face of all his disastrous relationships they think he is the one who is always wronged. One of the siblings advice to him when his relationship gets close to exploding is " just take a xanex and go online! " nice advice thanks!
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« Reply #44 on: June 26, 2014, 10:03:31 PM »

I met my BPD exbf on a dating website and ive read it littered with them. im curious to know if others met their BPD on a dating website?

I met mine online as well.  In fact, he has been on different dating sites for over 10 years, going from one girl to another.  After we would have an argument, he would run back to the dating site trying to find another girl.
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« Reply #45 on: March 18, 2016, 03:10:40 AM »

I knew mine for 4 years first and we were good friends during that time.  

It's a disorder of intimacy so once you are too close or reality of commitment sets in the disorder is triggered.  But I think there are always warning flags regardless of whether its in person or online.

But it seems like online you need to be more careful.  People can pretend like they are or want a lot of things online without raising too many flags.

I've known mine for 2 years, and when things start to get close this was definitely the trigger, because it wasnt a hit fling build up its often a much slower process i feel if you are friends first
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« Reply #46 on: March 18, 2016, 05:16:42 AM »

I met the ex I post about here in person.

However, just after my breakup with him, I met a "great" guy online, met him in person once, and he had every BPD  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) right there on the first date.  I tested him a little bit to make sure I wasn't paranoid, then kicked him to the curb!

I have met other people on online dating sites before this, too, who seem disordered in hindsight.

My exBPD met his first girlfriend (ex fiancee) online and got engaged to her after 10 days of instant messaging!  Online was a great venue for him because he is very well-spoken in writing, and his selfishness and tendency to ditch people for important occasions were both hidden in that medium.  My relationship with him was somewhat shorter than that one because it probably took longer for the other woman to figure out what he was really like.  Then again, she was allegedly *diagnosed* Cluster B.
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« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2016, 10:43:32 AM »

Plenty of Fish here and she used it as a weapon, during the first devalue (I know, I will never have two devalue stages with anybody ever again... ) when I didn't do exactly as she wanted, she basically opened the site in front of me, literally looking for my replacement. It was actually psycho in retrospect and so demeaning.

I met her after a bad business failure, I told her at the end if I met her now I don't think she'd get a second date.
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« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2016, 11:09:00 AM »

Met mine online, and she was in another country, so I honestly figured it was a no-go, and that we'd just be online pals. She came to visit me three weeks (!) later, threw pretty much all of her red flags at me on the first date, but she was so cute and sweet and vulnerable about doing it that I found it charming. Sigh.
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paperlung
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« Reply #49 on: March 18, 2016, 12:11:32 PM »

Yes, off POF. She's currently on there right now "Looking for a relationship". It's funny how many times she's been on there at this point.

All of her ex-boyfriends, before and after me, were discovered online.
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Cryin Shame

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #50 on: March 18, 2016, 02:15:02 PM »

My ex BPD Partner answered my personal ad in a Christian website in which I spoke of the role Jesus played in my life. He reeled me in by scamming me that we were soulmates and almost tore my relationship with God to pieces. He tried to manipulate me into having sex with strange men while he watched--who on earth reads a personal ad like mine in a Christian website and thinks to himself "now that's a hot babe who's into swinging!" ?
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Mustang0916
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #51 on: November 13, 2019, 02:49:49 PM »

Met mine on Tinder. As soon as she was done with me she was back on Tinder the next day. She’s now in a “relationship” less than a month after we broke up. So much for her undying love for me. I did this search because I was curious. Figures on BPD percentage in the general population ranges to about 6% but I had this thought that their percentage in available people would be much higher because of their inability to sustain relationships so their percentage on online dating sites would be much higher than average.
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BrokenSpokane
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 64


non-BPD was with BPD and healing


« Reply #52 on: November 17, 2019, 09:50:34 AM »

I met my exBPD on match.com. never again.
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #53 on: November 17, 2019, 08:26:09 PM »

sort of.

we met through a mutual gal friend online, back in the day when aol instant messenger was huge.

i saw pictures of them together, and was really drawn to her. i knew i just had to talk to her.

we were friends for three years before we got together...mostly through AIM, but spoke on the phone and text.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
hmf2234

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 38


« Reply #54 on: November 18, 2019, 07:54:16 AM »

oh yea... we met on tinder... I know, first red flag Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!

Granted I wasn't using tinder to find meaningful romantic relationships, at the time. I was "enjoying the single life" and I was using tinder for what its mostly used for, the "casual interactions". Well after we met casually and had our "date", she made it very clear she wanted to be with me after I told her I wasn't interested in a relationship. Long story short, she eroded my resolve to stay single and eventually I caved in to the idea of a relationship... yes i know, another HUGE red flag.

She wanted me, she was very pushy, she got what she wanted, once it got old she discarded. The end.
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confusedbybdp
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 75



« Reply #55 on: November 18, 2019, 08:24:28 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I agree with all who have commented here.  I met my ex 4 years before we started dating and we saw each other only occasionally during that time when we "bumped into each other" in town.  I didn't know him well enough to see the red flags, like the condition he was living in, but it wasn't until we started a romantic relationship that his BPD fears and behaviors were "triggered."

The lack of friends (and perhaps family) should be a huge red flag for us.  My guess is that if we looked for this before we got involved with our pwBPD, it would have saved us a LOT of heartbreak.  I have said in other comments on this board that I am a bit of a loner.  I grew up overseas, and my friends are few and far between, and scattered around the States and abroad.  I was used to "saying goodbye" to dear frineds when we moved every few years, and this was in the days before Facebook, etc., and calling internationally was ridiculously expense, so it was easy to lose track of people.  BUT...even I have a close circle of friends, and some of those friends have miraculously lasted for decades.  And, though I don't see my family as often as I would like, I am close to them, and the relationships are good.  This was NOT the case with my ex - very early in the (romantic relationship), I learned that he was estranged from his family,  and he told me that he had no friends that he felt close enough to have lunch or go to the movies.  Also, very early on, I personally witnessed my ex giving random people the silent treatment, holding grudges against them, and deleting them as contacts on his phone.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
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