Overestimating BPD's Good Looks

[charred]

I would say my exBPDgf was an 8, and I thought of her as a 9 based on the sex, as it was best I had for a long time, the combination of being "smitten" and her enthusiasm for making me happy. However, the second go round I was more cynical, and felt like she had no interest in the sex as an expression of happiness in the relationship, but rather was trying to satisfy me for some agenda of hers... and I pushed that out of my head at first, but in hindsight she was out to please me to set the emotional hook deeper. The second go round she was an 8 but the unauthentic feel to the sex made her more of a 7, she did lose weight and improve her looks up to a solid 8 again, but nothing to write home about, it really was the mind control part that kicks them up so much I think.

She was the best I had been with for a long time, was with many other women after our breakup and eventually one that was much better in bed... .left her in the dust... not sure what was wrong with the gal, but my internal alarms said run, despite the fun, and I did. Heard she doused her next boyfriend with lighter fluid and set him on fire!

I am thinking there is something to the best sex being with crazy women... that matches my experience, but at the time it didn't seem like it was due to an element of danger... .but clearly both the BPD and the other gal were dangerous.

[morningagain]

just looked at a picture of my stbxdBPDw.

on a scale of 1 to 10, she is about a 900.

nevertheless, i was hooked on the mirror.  randi kreger had posted a list of attributes of a healthy relationship, and in the beginning, everything scored perfect.  our values, our intellect, we discussed anything and everything, enjoyed every moment together.

kind of amazing i have broken the addiction given all of that.  lots of healing to do.  but i have internalized the fact that the 6 month honeymoon was a living fantasy.  and besides, every memory is now stained, so there is simply no pining.

doubt i will ever find that 'perfection' again in a healthy relationship, but I never did need perfection.  just love.

[gettingoverit]

Yes my ex was attractive, but not as attractive as I used to think. I came across a photo of her the other night of the two of us together, and was amazed at how my views of her had changed. I think all the ugly things that she did ultimately revealed how ugly she truly was on the inside. If you find chocolate covered crap, it doesn't matter how sweet and tempting it may be on the outside, it's still crap on the inside. I'm not saying my ex is crap, but the analogy pretty much explains how I feel about her and her "hotness". It's what's on the inside that ultimately matters. At least for me anyway and my ex has a lot to be desired when it comes to true inner beauty. It's too bad her BPD had to ruin an otherwise outwardly attractive woman.

[OTH]

I knew my ex for years before we became a couple. I was stunned by her good looks and it is why I started talking to her. I have had an active life (lived many different places) and have had several attractive partners so it was never any kind of obbsession with me. I just thought she was gorgous. Oddly enough the time we got together I wasn't all that physically attracted to her. I believe she was going through a bought of anorexia. She was way too skinny, said she was having trouble sleeping, and she even had grey hairs (she was 28 at the time). She had a huge fear of being too fat. She called the time we met(about 6 years before we started dating) her  fat period and told this to people when she explained our history together. I had to correct her every time that she was never fat. I never told her I didn't think she was that attractive anymore because I liked life too much. 

Our time together was good for her though. I got her eating fish (she was a vegetarian) and sleeping again. She put on a few pounds and her hair turned black again. She was always a gym fanatic but started doing less cardio and more weight lifting and she wanted to get muscular so she really started eating again. She weighed just under 90 when we met and was between 125 and 130 at the end (yes... .she was that skinny). She was looking phenomenal when we broke up. Muscular instead of the real feminine curves when she was younger but it worked for her. She looked great. I hope she is still taking good care of herself. I'd hate to hear she was starving herself again.

[ChrisJ31]

One thing I noticed when looking through some old photos was how absolutely drained and tired I look compared to him... .I WONDER WHY!

I have to say, I look much better now!

Lol

I have to agree.

She was hooked on taking photos of us together and always used to say I never smile, wonder why eh?

I think she clings on to all the good memory photos, for what reason I'm not sure.

She had albums of her and her ex on the book case in are house, this caused major rows but she couldn't see the problem.

I made her cut some up and move the others, she went in to a crying rage etc but I wasn't having that.

Don't you think that's disrespectful? 

[bruceli]

I believe their looks are above scale... .  How I explain it is if it were'nt for their looks, they would have been extracted from the population long ago because of their personality... .  disorder... .  LOL

[goingforth]

Mine was extremely beautiful, which everyone agreed with.  She is also extremely narcissistic and was obsessed with her looks.  She'll reel in the next victim, take him on a horrible ride, and spit him out.  I imagine in due time... .  He'll be on here if he really understands what went on.

[Mightyhammers]

She is very attractive, and she always takes great pride in her appearance which I loved

[delgato]

For the 1st go-around, mine was very attractive. And the times where she put just a small effort in exercising? Oh, my! She had a huge male following.

Me at the time, however... .  well, she was kind of out of my league. I was overweight, over-worked, etc.


Fast-forward to 5 years later, for our 2nd attempt?

We basically switched. During our time away, I didn't work as much, I exercised, ate better, had a better outlook on life, better hairstyle, more confidence, etc. I look younger now than I did back then!

Meanwhile, she packed on some weight. And years of drug & alcohol abuse took a toll on her looks.

Still fairly attractive, mind you... . At least in my eyes. But just not as much.

And as this was alluded to earlier, one of my friends who didn't know her back then mentioned a few times that she wasn't "all that," that I was mentally building her up. I suppose they were right.


I gotta say, though, that the role reversal in terms of physical looks, well, it did make me smile inside a little, LOL (as it would with any kind of ex).

[Peterpan]

When I first met him, super ordinary, beer gut, rude, abrupt... .  got to know him, seemed better.

By the time I fell in love with him I was seeing him as absolutely gorgeous, his appearance, body, face, everything had changed.

I hadn't even realised that he had mirrored my habits, started to excercise (I am a fitness fanatic), had his hair cut more fashionable, even his stance was different!

The photos I took of him then are totally different from the more recent ones he sent me.

They look gorgeous to us in the ideal phase because tha t is how WE feel about them, a classic case of 'once the mask slips'?

[leftbehind]

This thread made me laugh as well!  Even though I still think my ex is gorgeous, I've heard from 2 of my friends that saw him post break up that he looks mentally ill, & has "crazy eyes".  One girl I know that met him while I was going out with him said he looks and acts like a little kid, and another friend that we used to double with thinks him being good looking is all in my head... .  !

But I will say this - he had a certain magnetism.  Whenever we would go out strange women would try to make eyes at him.  Maybe it was the way he was looking at them, or the flirty comments he would make (he always said he wasn't flirting, just trying to make someone laugh). 

& yes, he looks better with his cap on because he's going bald.  but I never cared about any of that... .  he was my beautiful Boo.

[yaryu]

Mine is extremely attractive with a magnetic personality, that along with an Eastern European accent, blonde blue eyes, talkative nature, there's no way I can overestimate when it is reinforced by guys falling all over themselves to be around her.  I mean, one time she was waiting for a bus at the stop and a guy with a BMW stopped to ask if she needed a ride.  Once her car broke down, and four guys stopped to help her out, all of which stayed to help.  Once she walked to the store and several men asked if she needed help.  I have more examples, but I'm sure you get the idea.

[j4c]

Well in 3 days time i'm a year out of the r/s with my uexBPDgf. May 1st last year was actually the last day we had sex  . (not that she remembered that night).

When i posted last on this thread back in november, i was still grieving the loss of the r/s and part of me still had her up on that pedestal. Nowadays i just think of her as a severely messed up young woman that i believe to have one if not more personality disorders and i dont really have any feelings for her at all anymore.

So with regards to whether or not i would still use such words as 'gorgeous' or 'stunning' when describing my ex, absolutely yes i would! I've met thousands of women in my life but no-one had the WOW factor like she did so i dont think i overestimated her good looks at all. I still class her as a 10/10 even though i've almost fully moved on from her.

I love the comment about crap covered in chocolate haha! Totally sums up pwBPD. 

[healingmyheart]

Was my exBPDbf handsome?  Ahhhh, yeah!  My ex is extremely handsome with a physique that won't stop.  In fact, he use to be a male dancer... .  seriously   I remember just looking at his body in awe thinking it was almost like a piece of artwork for it was something to be admired.  The said thing is that he probably admired it more than anyone for he was very narcissistic. 

He used his good looks to his advantage for he was very seductive in his ways.  It was his weapon so to speak.  Sex was how he self soothed so he needed to be able to pull in his victims with his good looks and seduce them. 

[j4c]

The general consensus on these boards seems to be that pwBPD are well above average in the looks department. Almost like God knew what he was doing when he created them. I mean what good is it being a seducer without having sex appeal?

[Slave to the binary]

I hate to ruin a good thing here, but my UDPD-exbf would not be considered extremely attractive to the general public. We became friends over 6 years ago and he was a very young (20-21yr old) guy with obvious "quirks" in his personality, cystic acne, back hair growing out his shirts, and very skinny. His mother is a suspected BPD and she was certainly no looker (beer belly with stick legs with an affinity for not wearing clothing). I overlooked the physical and focused on the person inside.

As the years went by, he put on tons of weight, took accutane for his skin, and I accepted all the back/shoulder hair. In the meantime, he enjoyed telling me his old roommate or people he worked with thought I was ugly/he is settling for me, and his family (mother) enjoyed calling me "nothing special" and "old". We have an age difference of 11 years which worked in the beginning when he made himself out to be this extremely mature, wise for his age, stable MAN. Years go by and he suffers from eating issues and loses tons of weight, now he looks sickly and unhealthy, is bald, and his teeth are gray/brown from smoking a pack every other day. As for me, my lifelong commitment to a healthy lifestyle through fitness and diet has paid generous dividends!

[BorderlineMagnet]

Out of both of my ex BPDgf's only one would be considered extremely attractive- yet I found them both beautiful. The first one did have model good looks that she ruined with drug abuse last I had seen her. My most current ex was just kind of my personal fantasy. She has a very pretty face, amazing eyes but most would probably not expect me to be with her. I work out quite a bit and have a very well kept, muscular body, and I've heard the words stud and pretty boy to describe me lately (to be honest it makes me pretty uncomfortable as I try to stay humble as I can). She is short, and would be considered "thick" to use a word that has been used to describe her before. VERY well endowed in the chest area though. To me and what I consider beautiful and feminine she was my dream. Still is actually. I've always said I saw her in my mind before I ever even met her. While I've made some big strides at moving on and healing, I think this is one thing that still hangs me up and doesn't allow me to truly detach. That and the fact that we have not been mean or harsh to each other in anyway through our break-up, even though her infidelity has hurt me. Even when seeing her new guy in person and having my friends, and even the waitress at the bar we saw them at say he is lesser than, it still doesn't help. It just made me feel bad for him that he's gotta feel insecure and intimidated, yet probably has no clue what she was doing by bringing him there that night after creeping me on FB.

[cska]

Mine is a hottie. Guys hit on her all the time. And she's great in bed.

That being said, b/c of all the emotional abuse I suffered form her, I'm beginning to see the whole "beauty is skin deep" thing... .

[Clearmind]

The only reason I felt my ex was gorgeous because I didn't think anything about my own looks.

By overestimating/over foccussing/over glorifying your partners good looks you are in turn underestimating your own

I felt like cinderella complete with coachman and I was the envy of all women when we walked down the street together - feels good huh?

Work on your own self worth and your ex no longer looks as good as you thought - because you are no longer picking up the magnifying glass by mirroring your partners looks you pick up the mirror and see your own worth/attractiveness/lovabilty.

[Hurt llama]

Mine is very attractive and has great taste and cares about clothing and loves to dress up. She's also 5' 9" tall... .  

She knows how to carry herself and as her sister said... .  they were raised to be 'arm candy'... .  which made me want to gag when I heard it.

Yet as good looking as she is, she has that extra something that everyone picks up and it's not a bad thing... .  she's never looked at another man one time in my presence... .  Ever. That's the odd thing. She and I were equally enthralled with each other.

The problems, as all of us have experienced were about her constant fear of abandonment... .  which she told me directly but I didn't believe her as I felt she was manipulating me by saying that. She actually wasn't and I was definitely not making her feel secure as I am (or was) never the kind of guy to take mistreatment... .  IN fact, this entire relationship is so bizarre to me, as I have quite a reputation with every single person who knows me to be tough. I'm direct and I never take mistreatment... .  I'm extreme if anything in this way... .  That's the bizarre thing in how did this happen to me?

But I am sure we all have the same story pretty much.  

Hurt llama

[leftbehind]

Clearmind, I definitely felt like Cinderella with my ex, but the Cinderella who slept in the ashes of the fireplace.  I could sense all the women wondering what he was doing with me, women that were much younger and prettier.  I am 10 years older than him, and although I can look cute at times I don't see myself as a head turner. 

So maybe it's time to focus on appreciating my looks, as you say.  I thought he was beautiful inside and out - his soul, his mind, his heart & his physique.  Turns out there is an ugly side to him after all.  The dreams I've had about him post breakup are dreams where he has whole rows of teeth missing, where he looks mentally ill, and where he is being abusive verbally.  Maybe I escaped the worst of that by him suddenly initiating the breakup.  Sometimes rejection really is God's protection.

[VeryFree]

Mine was nice to see, when she wanted.

At first that was when we were together, after that it was only when we went out together, the last six years it was only when she went without me... .  

Her appearance was nice, like I said, but when I think about that and see old photos of our better times, I can't help visualizing how she looked when she raged. I compared her once with Sméagol from Lord of the rings: big outstanding eyes, big red face, at first very scary, but looking back a bit sad figure.

That kind of visualizing is helping me a lot to put things in perspective.

[IamDevastated]

My exBPD has exquisite looks. She is young, early twenties, not a mother so still has the perfect body. She has slavic genes and could EASILY be a model if it weren´t for her height of only 5-6. She is dark skinned and raven black hair. Perfect teeth and smile. Sparkling voice and oozing charisma.

A little creepy but when I met her she didn´t exercise (still had a killer body) but about a year or so into our relationship she started mirroring my fitness habits (have been bodybuilding for 8 years) and now it is like she has completely taken over this aspect of my personality for herself. She excersises vigorously which of course has made her body even more sexy and stunning. The fitness training was something we were supposed to have together... .  but yeah she betrayed me on that subject as well: She now trains with some horny hangaround fat slob-mutt and rubs it in my face constantly. This mutt never puts any effort into it and is obviously ONLY there to be around her eyeing her bod and hoping she will open her eyes to him and fall in loove... .  (I almost hope she will because then the poor bast*ard doesn´t know what is awaiting him)... .  

But I definately didn´t overestimate my exBPD. On FB dozens of horny mutts always comments her pics... .  and these are just facial shots... .  nothing exposing or anything... .  I wish her inner core had been as beautiful as the outer... .  but alas it isn´t so.

A beautiful young BPD girl with model-looks and the charm and personality to boot is the most dangerous thing in this world... .  no doubt!

[IamDevastated]

Mine is extremely attractive with a magnetic personality, that along with an Eastern European accent, blonde blue eyes, talkative nature, there's no way I can overestimate when it is reinforced by guys falling all over themselves to be around her.  I mean, one time she was waiting for a bus at the stop and a guy with a BMW stopped to ask if she needed a ride.  Once her car broke down, and four guys stopped to help her out, all of which stayed to help.  Once she walked to the store and several men asked if she needed help.  I have more examples, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Sounds totally like my exBPD. She couldn´t even walk to the nearby 7Eleven without guys stopping her and even the owner of the 7Eleven tried something with her. She has been with cab drivers, several different and random men during the course of a few days, even famous people, celebrities from my country have tried scoring her. I know this for a fact since I have seen the evidence. She was not making this up. They even contact her on FB sometimes with their "offers". She IS stunning.

I´m not bad looking myself and I have been bodybuilding for 8 years but she was/is clearly out of my league in the looks department. When she dumped me one of her complaints was that I didn´t give her compliments enough. Her: "I HAVE DOZENS OF MEN WAITING IN THE SHADOWS. I CAN GET ANYONE I WANT! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH IT?"

I DID give her compliments when and where they mattered. My compliments were real and not fake. And the absolutely crazy part is that while we were together she told me: (My name) NOO you shall NOT talk to me like that! Do you realize how MANY times I have heard that ___ before? Just be yourself... .  be natural... .  that´s what I like. I don´t wan´t it any other way than what we have... .  "

Then when she dumped me she said: "I LIED! I SAID THOSE THINGS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW FOR YOURSELF THAT I WANTED ALL THOSE COMPLIMENTS! YOU ARE A SISSY BOY... .  A LITTLE GIRL... .  YOU ARE NOT A REAL MAN!"

And you know what? I can be VERY passionate and even poetic in my praisals of a woman. I ALWAYS had a strong urge to do this with her but I also had a sixth sense that she would pull back if I did it. And I even gave her the oppoprtunity to communicate her desires and then she lied to me. And now comes the even more crazy part: She recently dumped a guy cut him off out of the blue BECAUSE... .  yup you guessed it: The guy was poetic and gave her compliments all the time and showered her with that sort of things.

Her: UGH what a SISSY BOY... .  That´s just too much.

She even admitted right then and there that she was impossible to satisfy. As I always knew! Damned if you do and damned if you don´t. AHH the JOYS of living with the BORDERLINE!

[Bananas]

This is a funny thread for me.  When I met my ex I was not attracted to him AT ALL!  I thought he was weird looking!  But he really got to me with his "BPD ways" and soon enough I thought he was the hottest guy on the planet.  He made me feel awesome.  My friends thought I was crazy... .      even his friend (he only has 1, sorta) thought I was crazy.  Mind you, I am nothing special but he told me I was WAAAY out of his league. 

We work together.  I catch myself looking at him and trying to make him look unattractive.  Not there yet.   

[benny2]

Mine is truely hanesome and everyone says that but he knows it too and uses it to his atvantage. He can charm the pants off anyone. Sad to say, but he can lay on the charm and at the same time make himself seem so innocent.He's got it down pat, but then why would'nt he, he's been practicing for years.

[Neverknow]

Mine was pretty, no doubt about it, and still is, I'm sure (I'm being very successful at that NC thing, I havent' seen her in at least 8 months).

But, she was also seductive as hell.  And, pretty, and seductive, is a hell of a drug.   

I'm completely loose from the spell at this point, and I do wonder how she did it to me.  She's very pretty, but I ran into plenty of pretty girls that I knew were trouble.  Why I didn't see it in her, I'll always wonder.

[charred]

My exBPDgf looked good long ago, then not good at all when we first got back together... .  but dropped weight and changed to look great. I have to agree with some of the others that have said the good looks are tempered by seeing them for what they are. My exBPDgf was so hateful and vitriolic... . we had a 7 hr argument, at least half of which was her screaming and yelling at me about everything she imagined I had ever done wrong. That kind of thing when you step back from the FOG... . can give you a little perspective. She is nicer looking than most the women her age, no question, however she is 10X as mean as a junkyard dog... .  and seeing her for the manipulative, remorseless, blameless for anything... . no matter what she did, person she is... . makes me realize it is just another manipulation. She changed like a chameleon to appeal (first to me) then to whoever else she is pursuing.

 

[expos]

My exBPDgf looked good long ago, then not good at all when we first got back together... .  but dropped weight and changed to look great. I have to agree with some of the others that have said the good looks are tempered by seeing them for what they are. My exBPDgf was so hateful and vitriolic... . we had a 7 hr argument, at least half of which was her screaming and yelling at me about everything she imagined I had ever done wrong. That kind of thing when you step back from the FOG... . can give you a little perspective. She is nicer looking than most the women her age, no question, however she is 10X as mean as a junkyard dog... .  and seeing her for the manipulative, remorseless, blameless for anything... . no matter what she did, person she is... . makes me realize it is just another manipulation. She changed like a chameleon to appeal (first to me) then to whoever else she is pursuing.

 

This was/is like my exBPD wife.

She was sweet, but overweight and rather plainly dressed.  I thought she had pretty face which I instantly fell in love with, but I would go back and forth as to whether I thought her to be attractive.

She decided to up her game to really rope me in when I wasn't fully invested in her, and dropped a ton of weight, wore more makeup and bought sexier clothes.  It was this crazy seduction.  She became STUNNING... .  all the way up to our wedding day.

4 months into marriage, the weight started coming back on and she looked pretty bad.  I remember going to a work-related barbecue once with her and being sort of embarrassed by how badly she let herself go.

After I divorced her, the stress from the separation caused her to lose weight again.  She looked sort of haggard. 

Now, she is supposedly "seeing somebody" and she is back to the figure she had to seduce me.  It makes me sick, that she couldn't lose this weight for me during the marriage, but had no problems dropping it for whoever this new guy is, if he even exists.

[WillSurvive420]

my ex was overweight... .  she weighed like 195 lbs. and was 5'4... .  but she had a PHAT ass... .  (one of my favorite features and big boobs) She had a very cute face and eyes, but she really didnt have that nice of a "figure." she was maybe a 4 or 5 when i initially met her... .  (didnt even notice her) now that i miss her, shes a 10. when we were dating i considered her like an 8... .  but thats prob bc  I consider myself an 8... .  a 7 at the very least. its the crazy sex and affective bond that make her or him MORE ATTRACTIVE... .  weird how human brains work.