Overestimating BPD's Good Looks

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This comes up , occassionally , here, the "really attractive BPD" issue. I wonder, how many of us think our BPD partner is super hot etc, when, in reality, they are no great shakes.

I read a book by a woman private investigator who specialized in infidelity investigations. As part of her preparation, she would ask for a physical description of the suspected cheater. Then, she would either see or get a photo.

She was amazed at how ordinary, or sometimes homely the suspect was, after having herard how incredibly attractive he or she was from the betrayed.

Now, infidelity is fairly rampant among the disordered. But, I wonder, in cases where there was no infidelity, merely a long term debasing/abusing of a non, if the same  dynamic is not in effect. Something like the non being so traumatized and depleted, that objectivity about the BPD's looks has been impaired.

[ron7127]

This comes up , occassionally , here, the "really attractive BPD" issue. I wonder, how many of us think our BPD partner is super hot etc, when, in reality, they are no great shakes.

I read a book by a woman private investigator who specialized in infidelity investigations. As part of her preparation, she would ask for a physical description of the suspected cheater. Then, she would either see or get a photo.

She was amazed at how ordinary, or sometimes homely the suspect was, after having herard how incredibly attractive he or she was from the betrayed.

Now, infidelity is fairly rampant among the disordered. But, I wonder, in cases where there was no infidelity, merely a long term debasing/abusing of a non, if the same  dynamic is not in effect. Something like the non being so traumatized and depleted, that objectivity about the BPD's looks has been impaired.

[struggli]

This comes up , occassionally , here, the "really attractive BPD" issue. I wonder, how many of us think our BPD partner is super hot etc, when, in reality, they are no great shakes.

I read a book by a woman private investigator who specialized in infidelity investigations. As part of her preparation, she would ask for a physical description of the suspected cheater. Then, she would either see or get a photo.

She was amazed at how ordinary, or sometimes homely the suspect was, after having herard how incredibly attractive he or she was from the betrayed.

Now, infidelity is fairly rampant among the disordered. But, I wonder, in cases where there was no infidelity, merely a long term debasing/abusing of a non, if the same  dynamic is not in effect. Something like the non being so traumatized and depleted, that objectivity about the BPD's looks has been impaired.

Yeah, sometimes I wonder that about mine.  I think her charm and innocent demeanor had a lot to do with it.  I mean she is pretty but she knows how to seduce.  Even my female T said "she's VERY seductive."  I'm still hypnotized by her, so I still think she's the most beautiful woman in the world and I lost a goddess.

[floridaman]

I have to agree with you

I am in la la land because I think my ex is the most beautiful gal on the planet.  When we first started dating, I was unsure and thought "mehh ... .maybe I can do better".  She is really cute but sometimes she looks ok.  When I mention this fact to my friends and family, they can't even acknowledge it because they don't think I am being serious.  My ex is cute, but I am definitely fixated on her.  Maybe because while we were together she "seemed" to be fixated on me.  

[spark2]

Mine only seemed more attractive because of what she had to offer or the illusion of what she offered by mirroring me.

Outside of that she was pretty average at best and even rather unattractive to a large demographic. She wasn't for everyone.

[ron7127]

I've had similar reactions from outsiders when I would talk about my X's attractiveness. They think I am nuts. She is very ordinary, at best, in their eyes.

[spark2]

The lesson here - sex and relationships are best with people you have deep emotional connections and similarities with.

We view these exes as very attractive and memorable because in the beginning they were our perfect match.

[vegasbaby]

unfortunately mine was gorgeous its probably why i stuck around longer than i should have. i would b considered very good looking too which tickled him no end both a tad shallow hal for which ive paid a very high price and learnt obviously a much neefed lesdon that all that glitters is not gold including me, i value appearance above personality something i wont repeat again unless george clooney comes knicking

[ChrisJ31]

Mine only seemed more attractive because of what she had to offer or the illusion of what she offered by mirroring me.

Outside of that she was pretty average at best and even rather unattractive to a large demographic. She wasn't for everyone.

Mine too, my friends just couldn't see what I saw in her and why I kept going with her and taking her PLEASE READ.

I was attracted to her to start but as you said the mirroring, great sex making you feel you are amazing, all contributes.

[struggli]

On the other hand... .

People did ask if they could take her picture often.  She was asked to move to NY and be a model.  She has guys following her all the time.  A co-worker saw her and said "Now I know why you put up with her." 

Dammit, I guess she was hot. 

[FreeLizard]

It's strange because when I first met her I did not find her too attractive looks wise, but as I fell in love with her I started to see her as the most beautiful woman on the planet. Now I believe she has really become more attractive in general as she has matured but I still think I over-estimate it. She also seems to be getting a lot of male attention recently.

[bpdspell]

There is no denying... .my BPDexbf was super handsome... .awesome body... .he really could have been a male model. Even my friends were impressed by his good looks. It feeds your ego to be with someone that good looking but the payoff isn't worth the price of the ticket. They are all shell with empty insides. Like Vegas baby I overstayed my welcome in BPD land simply because of how physically attractive he was. The sex was nail biting... .he was my drug... .but the narcissism, the selfishness, the entitlement, the lack of reciprocity made me want to puke my insides out... .didn't know people like that existed... .

They may be attractive on the outside but they're ugly on the inside and the inside is what counts most.

[Fultus]

My BPDw is gorgeous.  People say things like "how did you end up with her?" and I perpetually hear comments on how attractive she is.  I knew it when she was wearing nothing but earth tones and sneakers.  She has become "more fashionable" since then.

She doesn't dress nice for me, just to work or to events I am not attending.  Even on dates it was tshirt and jeans.  This was one of my earliest signs that something was seriously wrong with our dynamic.   Recently, she has been paying extra attention to her appearance.  She's been dieting and working out.  She bought a fancy curling wand for her hair and uses it daily.  She has bought nice new clothes and even sexy boots with pointy heels.   I even contributed with a flattering lingerie gift for her b-day last summer.  She didn't wear them for months, but now she wears them pretty much exclusively.

She does not respond to my compliments about her appearance (or anything else).  Yet at one point she was giving me daily reports of who commented on which of her features (hair, boots, clothes, general lookin' good).  She was even telling me when she received pickup lines.

I know that I am attracted to more than just her physical appearance.  Our (distant) past was pretty much out of a fairy tale.  And she's not really model material, but I'm not typically attracted to the stereotypical cover girl.  She was always gorgeous to me and that has been reinforced time and time again over the past 13 years.  

As for me?  I'm around 300 lbs but tall enough that I don't look like Jabba the Hut.  I am self conscious about my gut and my general fitness, but I'd never make the cut for "The Biggest Loser".  (Think of Jason Segel with a goatee.)  Yeah, I'm not stopping traffic but I could appeal to the right girl.  I used to think I appealed to my w.  Guess not.

[breathelife]

My ex was average as far as looks wise at best... .More like below average.  His personality was even worse than his looks.   I remember in the beginning I had to convince myself that he was attractive.  And then he fell in love with this illusion of what an amazing man he was... .(or wanted me to believe).  I remember my friend saw him for the first time without his hat (he always wore a hat because he was bald on top) the look on her face was of pure shock and a little disgust.  It's a little sad but she said he's the only guy I know that I would say he gets worse once you know him.  Why did I stay and why am I still sad? I don't get it.

[AmericanTemplar]

Mine was pretty attractive.  One thing that I did find interesting was that she wasn't photogenic at all.  She generally looked demonic in photos, which was fitting... .

[charred]

Mine was nice looking the first go round 20+ yrs ago, she wrecked my life then left abruptly over nothing... .then reappeared 3 yrs ago, and did not look good at all, had both boobs removed over fear of cancer (not actual cancer) had a short ugly guy haircut, and had gained 100 lbs... but her voice cut through me and pulled me back to 20 yrs back... and we started going out, I got a divorce, crap started again, and she grew her hair out, lost all the weight and went back to looking great. Been NC for 4 mos, she has a new guy, came up to see a football game near my house this weekend and posted pics of the happy couple ... .next I expert her to get a boob job. What I will say is she had let her self go, but for her age she is one of the best looking gals ever. My ex-wife was better looking years ago and recently till the BPD gal transformed herself. Dated a few girls better looking, but no doubt she is one of the more attractive gals around now. Had to have something going, she was engaged more than 6 times, married twice and asked me to marry her twice ... .and I suspect the total list of guys is very long. Feel sorry for the smiling guy with her now, he has no idea how crappy his life will soon become.

[vegasbaby]

gina louise - my experience was same as u. when i met him he was ripoed from the gym, clean shaven, hair styled, fitness fanatic and his diet was soo healthy, in 6 months  he gained weight had no interest in the gym drank a lot, started back smoking after years off them ate fast food constantly wouldnt get a hair cut grew a beard. i met george clooney and ended up with columbo it truly was amazing how cameleon the they r there is literally no consistency anywhere i will never understand how anyone lacks such identity to that extreme and i thought it tragic that anyine who had the potential to b an amazing person (he had his moments and sum great qualities he wasnt a cimplete monster) and could look like a movie star could chose to b a diaster in every respect its really tragic to witness this disorder rage in someone

[charred]

Changing looks reminds me of the mirroring chameleon thing. My dexBPDgf went from fox to hound, and back to fox. She also would assume the talk/mannerisms of whatever group she hung with, which is beyond embarrassing at times. I think they lack an actual sense of self. She used to always tell me what all her friends thought about whatever was going on between us... .and I was bugged that she seemed to have no filter and to discuss things that were private between us with everyone. I thought it was like she was taking a poll to get feedback, but I think it was a lack of sense of what was right about anything... she had to get help. But where it may come from is planning for painting you black, because each person that reacts with a negative... seemed to get revisited later, told they were right and what a fool she was to believe me, etc... like the knives in the back when upset, were premeditated  sometimes far ahead. I did underestimate her ability for manipulation. Doubt I will ever meet her equal for cunning/mean.

[breathelife]

Mine was pretty attractive.  One thing that I did find interesting was that she wasn't photogenic at all.  She generally looked demonic in photos, which was fitting... .

Mine too! Mine looked like a whole different person sometimes esp in pictures.  It was really scary.  It was more than not being photogenic though.

[suz124w]

Dear All,

This thread is HILARIOUS!

The narcissicism of our exes, our own narcissicism and feelings of guilty associated with it versus the views of bystanders who may see things quite differently.

It's all subjective of course proving that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.  I think when we are in the clutches of our exes, they do appear more desirable and I think quite a lot of that has to do with the devaluing phase.  It's a truly fascinating dynamic... .unless you're in it!

My sister keeps going on at me saying 'I know you think he was good looking but really he wasn't at all what you think'.  I think she's right but it's like I have such a strong impression of an attractive him, like a blueprint in my brain.

I have noticed one thing when 'looking for the lost object' which we all do when we split with someone, i.e. seeing a lot of people who look like the ex.  I find myself craning my neck to look at guys who look like him but recently I've been saying to myself, 'No, he's younger, taller, better looking... '  I think reality is beginning to creep in.

I loved the line 'I started going out with George Clooney and ended up with Columbo!'

Absolutely priceless.


I think we all have to admit that when you get used to someone, you are a bit relaxed about   your efforts to look good and this can be quite charming as long as it doesn't go too far!

One thing I noticed when looking through some old photos was how absolutely drained and tired I look compared to him... .I WONDER WHY!

I have to say, I look much better now!

[j4c]

My ex was and still is a complete stunner! Her facial features are off the scale and wouldve made her a fortune in the modelling world im sure! I too was hypnotized by the beauty of this woman. Im now 6 months NC but of course that idealisation phase still creeps into my head every now and then. My friend has a pic of my ex on his FB from when she was drunk and her face reminds me of the face she had when screaming at me. Whenever i start picturing how gorgeous she was i look at this pic n it brings me back to the reality of why we broke up n how ugly she looked mid-rage!

In regards to whether others think my ex is attractive im afraid they do although some friends think i big her up more than i should.

[willy45]

How is it possible that we were all with the 'Most Beautiful Woman in the World'. Just as a fact check, unless we were all with the same woman (and it kind of sounds like that sometimes ) then it must be us projecting something onto them that isn't real.

I remember my ex persued me for 2 years. At the time I thought she was hot but that I could do better (and did do better). It wasn't until after I got involved with her that she became 'the most beautiful woman in the world'. Now I'm entranced and can't stop fantasizing about how hot she is. This, despite the fact that if I met her today, I would probably just say, meh... .

[vegasbaby]

I seen mine on tuesday as I was going to work in a cab and he was cycling to work, it did make me laugh that he was still wearing cowboy boots to work (something he did when he wasn't staying at mine as he possessed only 1 pair of work shoes that he kept at mine).  The beard is still hanging on in there aswell so its fair to say mine is frozen in time he hasn't even purchased a pair of proper workshoes (he has a very senior job in a bank so cowboy boots are a no no for work attire).  So if thats any consolation to anybody, mine hasn't picked himself up in the slightest over the last 3 months since I dumped him, maybe they all don't swan off into the sunset like we might think, mine looks the same mess he was when I last saw him, certainly no change in the columbo look, the george clooney butterfly hasn't been ressurected to enable him bag his next poor suffering girlfriend he looked a tragic sight and seeing it from a cab was close enough for me

[suz124w]

Vegasbaby,

You really make me laugh with the George Clooney/Columbo line... .and it's given me a reality check.  Maybe when I see my ex he will have reverted to wearing what looks like his dad's jeans and be sporting a rockabilly hairdo!

[wowjer]

Interesting question,  

I have to say that I find my BPDexwife extremely cute and sexy.  However, I remember the beginning and questioned her attractiveness.  I always thought I grew more attracted to her looks over time due to love.  However, I think I fell more for her because of the power and control that I gave over me.  I became Pavlov's dog when it came to sex, which made me want her more.  I was teased and teased and teased and every now and then would get a taste.  Just enough to keep me wanting more, which made me more attracted to her.  But, also made me despise her over the years.  

Now that she has been gone for a few months and i see her regularly due to us having 2 kids, I can see that she is ordinary.  I do find certain aspects of her extremely sexy, but she is losing her grasp on me.  Also, she has lost probably 15 lbs and now her A$$ is gone, and has a lot more blemishes (either due to the increase in substance abuse, stress, or psychosis).  

Others have commented to me about how "she is nothing special".  "She has a good body, but not a super attractive face".  I was so blinded by the chase.  

Mine was pretty attractive.  One thing that I did find interesting was that she wasn't photogenic at all.  She generally looked demonic in photos, which was fitting... .

I always said this to myself when I looked at the pictures.  Especially family pictures.  She looked like a cardboard cut out in pictures.  Fake emotion and never really seemed to be there.  It was always crazy to me.  I am glad that somebody else recognized this.  

[j4c]

I do often wander if any of my exs exs are members on this site! I.ve checked many a profile page after reading a comment that sounded like someone describing my ex on here. Even though shes only 26 i would imagine shes left 15 guys in exactly the same misery as she left me in so it wouldnt surprise me if 1 of them found relief within the BPD Family forums!

[willy45]

My T. mentioned the idea of intermittent reinforcement... .That you can basically become addicted to something if it isn't consistent and random. That made sense to me in terms of sex because sometimes it was mind-blowing, but I never really knew when or why. It was obviously insane at the beginning. But after that, it wasn't consistent at all. Just totally random. Which kept me even more hooked.

[AmericanTemplar]

Re: the sex

One messed up thing that my ex would do is she would grab my junk while I was sleeping and then shut me down when I woke up aroused.  Then when I would be irritated by the fact that she was toying with my emotions she would ask if we could just cuddle.

[wowjer]

RE: Sex

My exBPDwife said that if she was wearing pink thongs that meant she was feeling sexual.  I would come home from work and notice her wearing pink thongs.  I would attempt to get close to her and she would act like she was sick to her stomach from me touching her or trying to kiss her.  I would refer to the pink thongs.  She would show me the "other" non primary colors in the thongs and say "they arent pink".  I reiterate, I was pavlov's dog. 

Then, when i figured it out.  I suggested that we refrain from sex for a few months.  (NOTE:  She would starve me from sex for months already).  Because I attempted to take power back, she got mad and yelled at me saying "why would you want to deprive us both from sex". 

Well now 4 months later after she left me and our 2 kids to live with a druggy, I realize.  My kids do have contact 1 night a week and my 7 year old daughter tells me that "mommy calls XXXX her prince charming" as she kisses him.  This makes my daughter sick and cry a lot.  Her mom does not pay attention to her as she cries. 

Shoot me. I am embarrassed for my kids. 

[Fultus]

Re: sex

I suggested that we refrain from sex for a few months.  (NOTE:  She would starve me from sex for months already).  Because I attempted to take power back, she got mad and yelled at me saying "why would you want to deprive us both from sex". 

Exactly this happened to me!  My BPDw was (still is) in a religious rush.  We also weren't having sex (which really was not new).  I was in a stage of promoting the idea of sex.  Then Lent hit.  I suggested, in full religious sincerity, that I give up sex for Lent.  More to the point, the pursuit and expectation of sex.  My wife hated the idea.  If I give it up, she has to give it up.  It's okay to have sex so don't do that.  To me, that means she intends to have sex with me during those 40 days and 40 nights (excluding Sundays, for those keeping score).  And she did.  Once.  (Stuff hit the fan around Easter, too.)  Perhaps it was my desire to be in control that she did not approve.  Perspective... .

[pinkerthanyou]

Mine was maybe a 5 on the street but a 8 in bed. He was great in bed. Gratitude can make a woman generous with the point-giving.