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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Mixed Feelings.  (Read 3829 times)
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« Reply #30 on: December 29, 2012, 04:43:28 AM »

I have, but I currently am not able to do so (for a good reason).

I'm pretty sure, that I want to be recycled, purely to get some answers (which after reading these forums, don't think I'll ever get). It'll also be a chance to relive the relationship, but this time, armed with the knowledge I have gained, to see if what I have suspected, with hindsight, was true/accurate after all, a validation of sorts. Kind of like, let's say you are an adrenaline junkie, and literally just base jumped off of X, and thinking back realize, "wow that was stupid", you read some more about base jumping, you realize "wow, that really was stupid", but the entire time you wonder, "was it really stupid? I don't know, but I'd have to go back to the top again, and maybe jump one more time... maybe not, but at least I'd like to get a perspective of what it was like the first time, but this time, armed with knowledge of this and that"... .so something like that I guess? Wait, I also miss the lovey dovey stuff, yess... .
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« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2012, 03:44:07 AM »

Is it normal, to have little bouts of, wanting to break NC? I of course never will, (I'll never initiate it). But, I want to, so badly.

The longest I have gone without browsing my ex up online is 6 days, of which I was pretty dam ignorantly happy, despite the nagginess of "what are they doing today?".

I wonder if they ever do think about you, in a positive way, it has been 3 months... .

I often have to recall events to reconfirm to myself, yes she does DEFINITELY have BPD, that it wasn't just normal.

I can't help but wonder who the new guy is, if he's a recycle or not, wondering when my turn is up (oh god, yes I'm disordered? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))
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« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2012, 04:14:19 AM »

Also, wondering, when things were semi good or good? (near the end of it)... .I remember the last night we spent together before she went back to school

she would ask what now? I stated we could be friends like before, that we could talk about anything, and that ultimately if she wanted, she could go out with someone else if that made her happy. I wasn't 100% sure of my feelings, did not want her committing if i wasn't sure, so i said that.

Next few weeks -->

beginning chats, happy, that she usually isn't this clingy, she never liked a guy like this, tells her roommates about me, how she misses me, but keeps my identity a secret (uh, we snuck around during the summer, also out of my self esteem issues, I dont' think i wanted anyone to know either?)... .she supposedly tells them she never emotionally connnected with a guy ever

mid... cries, (victim... me guardian?0 the things we used to do together, particularly working out, she couldn't do anymore, i was just too hard, it reminded her of me, I was agast at this, as I didn't know exactly what magic words to say to fix it other than something along the lines of, --> keep at it, it's good for you, try something else.?

additionally or mid-late stage since post physical contact --> do i like her physically, emotionally, or mentally? whta did the summer with her mean to me? I was busy working out at this time, and my feelings were beginning to detach, i wondered if i still liked her a lot. I ignored her for a bit, honestly, cause I was a bit busy doing my own thing. She later on exclaims, sorry that she had to be so crazy, that she knew she was pushing me away, to which i did totally denied (i have a very high tolerance!)... .and one very short bout of... i think "you better not be toying with me, i ~ing hate being otyed with" ... "what? where did that come from?... .xxxxx" (my reply) --> back to normal... .

mid-late --> late stage... .busy at school, so calls or texts at night as to how she missed me, she would exclaim she just finished m_____ting... .etc... .did i find it weird she was always surrounded by guys... .online chats... telling me wow, this guy definitely likes me... .why is she so old? (we are the same dam age, and we are both over 5 years older than her)... .going partying/bars with friends? letting guys hit on her (i told her to do this btw, as i said, i wasn't 100% sure of my feelings and did not want he rto put her life on hold)... .she would tell me about it... .I recall there was a period of time, where she would just go NC for 1 or 2 days, only to call bakc. One time was, she missed me, was incredibly lonely, asking me if it was wrong if she was jealous of her younger sister, who just got a bf, or that just seeing other couples reminded her of us.

very late stage -> hinted she might be losing interest? but we would see? (invited her out to my new future residence hundreds of miles away)... .one time asked me to just make a damn decision on my feelings for her. (was nice about it)... .I did one evening, she said she could see us going all the way (I refused intercourse, cause from the beginning, we both knew, I would be going away, basically we started the relationship knowing i was graduating and moving far away anyways)... .then silence... .next day I say good morning! ... the reply was "i can't stand how clingy you are", ... .I go "blah balh whatever"... .weekend NC, sunday get a text relaying what she warned me about that she might do once school started, cut me off. It was very business like. Didn't even mention" breaking up",. just that she would end all communications with me. That evening w etalked online... .how did it end? something along th elines of "well if  you are done, I really need to get back to wrok"... "why are you so cold?" "cause I hvae 9 deadlines to meet"... .I mean i get it, she is very busy, but one can't help but smell BS. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, or maybe I'm a victim of gaslighting... .whatever.

I'm so heartbroken at this point, I just go, fine, I'll just remove you from various online hubs including facebook, she replied, very business like, in caps, that this was my declaration that we could no longer be friends. Tough times, I was just about to get into surgery (not serious, wow it seems i'm trying to play the victim here and get someone on this board to play guardian! triangle!)... .during the better times, she told me she did not want to hear anything about my surgery. weird. later on, i figure ... ~... I miss her, i reuquested friendhisp, no response, she just accepted.

1 or 2 weeks go, I had to talk to her, she said no, i pry, and i pry, and by this time I've read a crapload on BPD, I thought she wanted me to chase HARD. so I turned into what she probably wanted me to be, a harassing crazy ex psycho bf to paint black legitimately? (guessing)... .i mirrored her clingy texting behavior early on, but much more intensely

here is where I got (now I remind you, i got this at the beginning ... which I thought was a defense mechanism!) (some of these lines)

Stop bothering me, I don't like you anymore

I was just so busy, i naturally lost feelings

I never really liked you that way (yes, this is all in chronological order!... same day!)... .I was using you for personal gain

I reply... "fine... i don't want to be with someone so cold hearted anymore"

blah blah... .says she never changed, that she is cold hearted, that she was using me/men for personal gain, and that she can cause she hates men

Good bye... (proceedss to block on all communication fronts)

alternate ... email --> how could anyone like me? I'm immature and greedy. the world doesn't revolve around me and people will not succumb to what i want, when I want.

I was so heart broken and confused, I emailed her sister, she found out... and the above is part of the reply... .i basically asked her sister if she ever really did likeme, if she was really like this... .i'm not sure how much the sister knows

but the best friend? the entire relationsihp... her advice to my ex "leave him before you break his heart"... .wow did she know what was coming up, no matter what she said, or how it was different, the best friend kept recommending that. wow. Triangulate? yes I did, in the case of her sister, ... but the ex did too, "even my best friend deosnt' beleive in me"

In this case best friend = prosec her = victim me = guardian.

not sure how much she lied, but why do i believe her ... .that there was no other guy? or was there? I remember one time, she went away for a weekend, she refused to tell me, I have this eery feeling, she was back near me, but for a professional venture for school, but refused to say anything, maybe her new "interest" was part of this too. I'm not 100% sure. I'm so confused. (is anyone not?)

I'm sure at the end

her = victim me = crazy ex bf aka prosecutor new interest = guardian with a constnat switch to

her = prosecutor omg ur crazy and clingy me = victim and whoever i brought in for validatoin = guardian... .or the guardian is her new love interest validating her, approvidng her actions/feeligngs, to move back into her = victim me = crazy ex bf him = guardian... .ok wow.

It really doesn't help, I am a technical person... .I kind of wish in some way, I was dumb. that I didnt care. that the details of BPD were over my head. that I would just sleep it away.
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« Reply #33 on: December 30, 2012, 04:24:16 AM »

Additionally, i realize codependents also lack a self?

I think I know who i am, I am hit__ who really likes to do sporty activities such as x y and z. I'd love to be a professional, but realistically it isn't happening, especially with my age. I'd love to achieve a high level in all of them, i'm really obsessive and I have to be pretty good at my hobbies/interests, to extremely good. I have high standards for myself in these areas. My new goals are to achieve a lifestyle where my hobbies/interests are easily accessible while attempting to maintain some form of a balanced life, especially with a partner. (is this why I clinged so much?).

I think I may have a strong sense of self. I remember reading BPD's aren't really attracted to codependents but with people with strong personaliities... likes narcissists, I really wonder if I am one.

I honestly, truthfully, just cut off a friendship, cause upon introspection/inspection, i realized the way we became friends, was with me as a guardian, being the "savior". She wanted to send me a christmas present, I just, can't accept that, knowing that she thinks I'm her only friend, to let that dysfunction continue, to see the disappointment when she realizes I kind of don't care, or that I'm just so busy with my own personal needs/issues/life in general (just moved), that I would probably fail to live up to this friend's expectations if I were to accept a gift. I refused, she said... .she just got a new phone... but she won't be giving me the number, I tried acting neutral in the karpman triangle... (dam did I sound cold), all in all, i haven't had contact with this friend for about 2 or 3 weeks, and while I do feel slightly guilty, o do feel relived, or I feel nothing. Additionally, I've though of so many things to say or do, that my ex would have probably done. that would have broken her... .

I wonder if I'm a narcissist, or BPD, or as a result of my obsessiveness and exposure to BPD, i'm just fairly good at mimicing one now.
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« Reply #34 on: December 30, 2012, 10:16:25 AM »

Off the cuff, if you are wondering if you are a narcissist, you aren't.

Here's a link to a personality test, click the box with the question/answers in Skip's post and it will take you there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

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« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2012, 01:27:35 PM »

Paranoid    ||||||||||||    42%    50%

Schizoid    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Schizotypal    ||||||||||||    50%    56%

Antisocial    ||||||||||    38%    46%

Borderline    ||||||||||    34%    45%

Histrionic    ||||||||||||||    58%    35%

Narcissistic    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Avoidant    ||||||||||||    46%    48%

Dependent    ||||||||||    38%    44%

Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||    50%    45%

First being my score, 2nd being the average... of... (people who take the test?)

is my results?

(i've seen this test before, pretty consistent with the past several times I've taken it? although i do remember the narc/borderline being slightly higher, like in the 40th's? or upper 30's?)

Honestly, truly, anything but BPD/narc. Especially cause it would confirm what my ex said? I mean she must look at psych stuff, to even self diagnose herself (or her friends must, or both), as a borderline. Based on that email, I would say she totally thinks I'm a narcissist?

I mean, I think I did mention, that yes, I did imagine meeting someone in a new location far away, maybe they would be better suited for me, or just better, in terms of, wanting to do active stuff, go out, better looking (ok this was shallow as ~ and I regret ever saying it, i only mentioned it at the time, cause I realized, it doesn't matter, and, she is PLENTY attractive either way).

I wonder if what I listed above is pertinent to other's experience with a BPD girlfriend.
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« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2012, 02:05:27 PM »

A NPD/BPD self diagnosing... .I suppose it could happen?  I can't see my ex self anything, how do you self reflect without a self?  :'(  So are you the shy type but get a couple drinks in you and whoo hoo?
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« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2012, 02:21:08 PM »

LOL rose, do you secretly know me in real life? Smiling (click to insert in post)

(More likely, something about my posts give it away)
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« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2012, 02:21:52 PM »

All I remember is, the ex's best friend going "leave him before you break his heart"... I supposed she could have given her that diagnosis.
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« Reply #39 on: December 30, 2012, 02:35:54 PM »

I took it from the high Schizo and Histrionic.  Avoidant is a little up there, too.  These things are prevalent with the posters here, me included.  Not so much Histrionic, but definitely the avoid conflict trait.

It might be interesting to take the test as her, with your best guesstimates.

Probably your ex's best wouldn't be a best if she told ex that she was BPD.  But maybe... .the friend took what ex was saying, you know projecting her stuff onto you, that the friend went 'oh my gosh, he sounds borderline!".  Sorry if I read your post wrong, wasn't sure if that is what you were getting at.

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« Reply #40 on: December 30, 2012, 02:47:14 PM »

so I'm guessing, you are pretty sociable with some alcohol?

i'm not so sure, the ex always complained that everyone including her best said the way she viewed things was very messed up. (relationships... men).

Wait, to be clear, are you saying that more likely, that my ex was telling her about her problems but making it seem like I had those problems, and the friend said I must be borderline? Maybe. But then again, right before the honeymoon started, pretty much the 2nd time she told me that I had to move out, cause I liked her too much, and it would make her feel better? she texted me very early into the night, saying this and that, that she might have borderline personality disorder, and to come back to her bed... etc... etc... in summary, this was probably day 3 or 4 of the relationsihp, before that, we were just friends who did active stuff together, and talked... .a lot. I do see borderline traits from myself, including obsessive stalking habits.

Are you saying a BPD/NPD would never self diagnose, or admit it? I did pick up this, from the times we were friends though

1. continuously checking herself out, at her toned legs... .(she was getting fitter... and fitter)

2. bragged to me how she could control this person... .or that... .that to control a certain person X, just make them feel bad about themselves or guilty, and they will do whatever you wanted. And i seen her do this, in person... .
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« Reply #41 on: December 30, 2012, 02:56:13 PM »

Oh ok, she had insight enough to know that she was off kilter.  But feels no need to improve herself?

Personality disordered are self absorbed, codependents are other absorbed.  It's a perfect ying yang at times.  Codependents are more likely to work on their issues.  Healing for both involves getting in touch with those shoved down feelings.

Yes, alcohol is liquid courage for me.  Trying to learn to be confident without it.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #42 on: December 30, 2012, 03:08:32 PM »

Alcohol is amazing! (haha, i honestly just started drinking, despite me being well over the age of 21 (but under 30!))

so I am a codependent? Or just an attention seeker HPD/mix?

i am going to read up on shizo/histrionic/avoidant now... .

Oh yeah, I must take the test as my ex, last time I checked, she flew a red radar everywhere, ... .let me take it... .

I'm assuming

1. I know nothing about BPD (so for questions concerning dependance, I would circle... .1 or 0, cause she is very self reliant... .if i factor in my BPD knowledge, I would average and put it in the middle 3... .but not doing so)

2. I have either seen this behavior, heard about this behavior from her, or have heard about it from mutual friends

3. if I don't or am not sure... i marka  middle 3

4. I in general will avoid answering in the extremes... 1 or 5

results

Paranoid    ||||||||||||||||    70%    50%

Schizoid    ||||||||||||    50%    40%

Schizotypal    ||||||||||||||||    62%    56%

Antisocial    ||||||||||||||    58%    46%

Borderline    ||||||||||||||    58%    45%

Histrionic    ||||||||||||||    58%    35%

Narcissistic    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Avoidant    ||||||||||||||    58%    48%

Dependent    ||||||||||    38%    44%

Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||||||    62%    45%

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« Reply #43 on: December 30, 2012, 03:11:39 PM »

I remmeber one time, she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different" in reference to how i could be dealing with the physical separation so easily... .

she did tell her friend... .that she tends to act like a child around me... .well she told me that... unless she knows a lot about borderline and has foreseen how much reading into i would do, (then she would be the ultimate manipulator)... .she is in fact... borderline.

I did ask one time, to a mutual friend "most selfish person ever!" ... her name came up in an instant (my very, manipulative, gaining to seek information, online version of a roschberg "inkblot" test Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))... i of course warmed her up with other phrases like "does this very often"... with other people's names coming up... .might explain the narcisissm
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« Reply #44 on: December 30, 2012, 09:01:40 PM »

she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different"

If you could sum up a relationship involving BPD, that would be it.  Ex in the idealized phase liked everything I did, and then one day, we disagreed about something.  And the devalue began.  In an enmeshed relationship, differences of opinion are not well tolerated. 
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« Reply #45 on: December 31, 2012, 02:50:41 AM »

WOAH, u know, I knew this, but I never specifically caught this part!

I'm thinking... yes the devaluing started so soon after that moment! thought it was just her getting tired of me, perhaps it was this?

She also said... she hates EVERYONE

and she hates her sister's bf/love interest this and that, she hates people who are fulll of themselves (isn't it ironic? as a BPD/NPD = perfect mix)

I guess you have to be full of yourself in a certain way? or maybe she is a unique case?

She wanted validation on her ill feeelings for this guy, I just made... well what if... this and that... I mean cmon, the guy just turned 18!... .

She split her housemates black... said ill things of them, guess who she went to the winter formal with? yes... .

I think maybe, physical distance is also a trigger, as the housemates were,... .miles away for summer break.



she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different"

If you could sum up a relationship involving BPD, that would be it.  Ex in the idealized phase liked everything I did, and then one day, we disagreed about something.  And the devalue began.  In an enmeshed relationship, differences of opinion are not well tolerated. 

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« Reply #46 on: December 31, 2012, 02:55:55 AM »

side note:

Do pwBPD feel like they are never good for anyone, even in physical looks? She has that insecurity, and I do too. Actually, during intimiate moments early on, before the full onslaught of honeymoon goodness (i would say this would be right before... .that)... .she would say ... .U know I don't really like you that way... .i would go... oh, so u find me unattractive/ugly? she would reply, if I found you ugly, we woudln't be doing this... .it was so awkward. and after everything now, I wonder if she was just stomaching it in just to be with someone, I'm really not so sure.
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« Reply #47 on: December 31, 2012, 07:26:40 AM »

People with BPD have that pervasive shame, the horrible things they say to us are nothing compared to what they say to themselves.  They really beat themselves up.

I found that I also had some rough critical thoughts about myself in my head.  I learned to pin them down and start rejecting them.  They are lies implanted like a tape running through our thoughts.  Part of recovery is changing those self thoughts from negative to positive.  Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect, focusing on our good, being our own encourager and starting to feel real love for ourselves.

When a person with BPD enters treatment, the first year is spent convincing the person that the therapist likes them.  That's how ingrained the self hatred is, they have a hard time believing that anyone really likes them for them.  :'(  Once they trust the therapist, then they feel safe to start peeling back the layers.
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« Reply #48 on: December 31, 2012, 03:31:18 PM »

How would you interpret her results off my guesstimates Rose?

I had a revelation today before going to sleep.

Due to my iinsecurities, I feel like I am never good enough, that I don't deserve to be loved by someone. And during the entire relationship, I was in utter awe someone could love me. Do you think she sensed this? Well, I DID tell her almost every ounce of insecurity I have. LOL. to which she used against me in the end? (How can anyone like you? you're greedy and immature)... -> although I hvae to say, she never once mentioned my looks, maybe cause it's her insecurity too? or... .  

I have a huge thing about looks, I wonder if she at all found me attractive... .  or used me cause I was there... .  Cause seriously, she is attractive, but not in the standard victoria's secret model sense. But she is really beautiful, in every way sans the BPD rage way (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). Smiling (click to insert in post) Although In some sadistic sense, I do find it kind of ... .  cute... .  when it's not directed at me. (yes, I know... .  shouldn't encourage it). But I do know, as an insecure person myself, no amount of encouragement/validatoin will have lasting effects unless you take it upon yourself to fix yourself... .  fix one's own thoughts.

She exclaimed in the beginning she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Well, she did, only cause she cut me off. I can almost guarantee if I emailed her the respones would be

1. nothing... (NC)

2. harassment report

3. threaten for harassment report, that she totally forgot me, that i'm isignificant, that my feelings don't count

4. ... (yeah right, small chance) HI! How are you? Smiling (click to insert in post) (based on readings from BPD)
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« Reply #49 on: December 31, 2012, 11:33:58 PM »

People with BPD can be extremely charming in the idealized phase.  When someone likes everything you like?  It's nirvana.  It helps you open up and share a lot about yourself.  It feels good.

It isn't that you are not lovable, I'm sure you are as cute as a button and any girl would be lucky to be with you.  The deal with pwBPD, they don't have a well developed self.  There is a milestone, somewhere between 2 and 3 where a toddler starts to realize momma is a separate person.  Before that, a baby thinks me/momma, same thing, enmeshed.  A kiddo starts exploring but running back to momma like home base.  If momma is smiling and encouraging, baby will start learning independence, separateness.  I believe my ex was severely neglected by his momma, no encouraging smile, no hey momma is right here.  I believe he was left alone in his crib for hours.  You know that babies that don't get touched enough, don't get attention, they have issues.  Now this is not always the case, some babies are loved and have good childhoods, sometimes it is something askew in the brain so don't think that all people with BPD had bad parenting.

That's a big old ramble to explain, if kiddos don't make that milestone, that won't continue on the path of developing empathy or a separate personality.  They are empty of self so it's easy for them to absorb your personality, to enmesh.  But then the difference of opinion and it all goes south.  You have become the critical parent.  They are annoyed and frustrated with being a personality that is not really them.  They rebel.  They feel resentment but don't know why, so they start coming up with facts.  That's where they start working on all the things wrong with you.  And we are so eager to get back to the idealization that we start stripping off those pieces of us to make them happy.  Since it wasn't those things really that is upsetting them, it doesn't do a bit a good.  We have become a trigger to the disorder and there isn't much we can do about it.  It's a serious mental disorder.
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« Reply #50 on: January 01, 2013, 10:55:53 PM »

she felt like she had to "act" to get me to like her?

I remmeber a moment when I told her, "you know, you don't have to lie to me, just tell me the truth, I won't judge you"... .  this is when... .  something happened to her, and she lied about it cause she thought I'd be angry (her failing to do something... .  which is almost trivial... .  let's say you have a sprained ankle, and it hurts REALLY bad, but you keep walking on cause you're afraid your bf/whoever will be upset/disappointed/mad at you... .  ).

I know other examples can be, taking an interest in my hobbies/interests, are you saying she never had any interest on her own to pursue these?
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« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2013, 12:29:43 AM »

People with BPD can be extremely charming in the idealized phase.  When someone likes everything you like?  It's nirvana.  It helps you open up and share a lot about yourself.  It feels good.

The deal with pwBPD, they don't have a well developed self.  There is a milestone, somewhere between 2 and 3 where a toddler starts to realize momma is a separate person.  Before that, a baby thinks me/momma, same thing, enmeshed.  A kiddo starts exploring but running back to momma like home base.  If momma is smiling and encouraging, baby will start learning independence, separateness.  I believe my ex was severely neglected by his momma, no encouraging smile, no hey momma is right here.  I believe he was left alone in his crib for hours.  You know that babies that don't get touched enough, don't get attention, they have issues.  Now this is not always the case, some babies are loved and have good childhoods, sometimes it is something askew in the brain so don't think that all people with BPD had bad parenting.

They are empty of self so it's easy for them to absorb your personality, to enmesh.  But then the difference of opinion and it all goes south.  You have become the critical parent.  They are annoyed and frustrated with being a personality that is not really them.  They rebel.  They feel resentment but don't know why, so they start coming up with facts.  That's where they start working on all the things wrong with you.  And we are so eager to get back to the idealization that we start stripping off those pieces of us to make them happy.  Since it wasn't those things really that is upsetting them, it doesn't do a bit a good.  We have become a trigger to the disorder and there isn't much we can do about it.  It's a serious mental disorder.

Rose Tiger. What a wonderful summation of BPD.
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« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2013, 07:34:41 AM »

Thanks Spell.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

VCN, my ex feels he has to act around everyone for approval.  He knows he does it, he told me he does it.  It's called a false self.  They can only wear the mask for so long, and out comes irrational grouchy guy.  After a while, he didn't bother with the mask at all around me.  That was silent treatment, seething, stink eye guy.

There is a thing called the Karpman triangle.  In dysfunctional relationships, people are either the persecutor, the rescuer or the victim.  Healthy people don't play any of these roles.  People with BPD play either the rescuer or the victim, they never ever see themselves as the persecutor.  Right now, my ex is firmly in the victim corner in regard to me.  I am the mean bad momma in his mind.  They can't see their part in the break up, only the 'facts' they come with for why we are so rotten. They move on to new people to idealize thinking that if they only meet the right person, then they will have the intimacy they so deeply desire (but just aren't capable of ever being intimate with anyone - you have to have a self to achieve true intimacy).
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« Reply #53 on: January 02, 2013, 01:15:56 PM »

I feel anytime soon this thing will hit 4 pages and will receive the lock

I've read about the karpman triangle, all I dll ALL DAY is play the guardian... or attempt to with her.

I realized lately ... under the influence lf alcohol, or maybe it feels just so good to let it out? (but more than 10 people know now)... .  to talk about my ex and what happened. So i guess lately I've been playing the victim.

Oh btw, why would a healthy person never go to either corner?

And, from our previous conversations (Rose Tiger), would you say you have HPD? I always had this unsettling feeling I was NPD, but upon reading into HPD, it seems more sense, sans some things I think (which I would have to post later, I'm about to fly Smiling (click to insert in post) )

About alcohol, I always had this internal dialogue running that I'm not good enough, I actually shut it off for almost good while extremely intoxicated on NYE. It felt good, however this cannot be a habit! Barfing is bad Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: January 03, 2013, 02:11:53 AM »

I think all people occasionally fall into a corner.  Especially when very tired, or hungry, there is a term H.A.L.T.  Hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  These are things that can cause us to not be at our best.  If you are feeling out of sorts, you can run through HALT and figure ways to self sooth.  Other than alky hol.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I score high on the avoidant/schizo stuff.  Give me a good book to read and I'm a happy person.  I'm ok talking with small groups but put me in front of a large group of people, and I feel really nervous.  I'm getting better though, at work we had a staff meeting and I was fairly vocal.  Who would have thought? Guess I am growing up.

I used to have a really bad constant internal dialogue.  Through therapy, I learned to reject the lies, you know, catch myself thinking really bad things and think NO, that is NOT true.  They were lies planted in my thoughts by my FOO family of origin, especially my older sisters.  They were 4 years older than me and I was constantly ridiculed, learning to walk, learning to talk, put down after put down.  Where the heck was my mother during all that?  Who knows.  Anyhow, I know that I am far from perfect but so what?  Nobody is perfect, why was I putting that standard on myself?  Now my self talk is loving and kind, I don't allow those critical voices to run wild anymore.  You can learn to do this too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #55 on: January 03, 2013, 02:18:32 AM »

Oh, want to add.  After a break up with a person with BPD, you do want to tell your story.  It's important to get it out.  To work through things.  Old memories will pop up and you'll want to talk about it.  This forum is a good place to let it all out.  It takes some time to process all the aspects of the relationship.  You'll think, ok, done, I'm healed and then boom.  Something out of blue hits you and another memory to work through or feeling sad.  Be really patient and gentle with yourself.  This is rough stuff! 
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« Reply #56 on: January 03, 2013, 02:48:40 AM »

I think on new years, I was HLT Smiling (click to insert in post)

Funny, as I will admit, I am an attention seeker, but sometimes get embarrassed when I think I'm getting it finally.

There is no way continuously looking at my ex's internet stuff is good for me, is it?

I have picked up a someinconsistencies in her posts, including multiple changes of actual personal journals where I suspect one schema is  in play... .  although everyone is open to edit their posts... .  but I'm being super aware/sensitive right now

--> doesn't think she can ever live taking care of another person --> delete

--> lonely on New years... etc... to school stuff -> edited to just school stuff -> edited to new years goals of being a better person... .  goals... taking care of her family. I mean ... .  I feel so guilty! --> during the summer, she may, or may, or we both may have influenced each other to hate our own families, I think my mom is annoying, I found it miraculous she would tell me stories of this and that, pretty much along the same lines as how I treat my mom. Not sure if I told her details about that before (then it would be mirroring) or after I realized this fact (if she mirrored before I told her anything, and her supposed treatment of her mom was part of it... wow... just wow... near psychic).

You know, she said I was unstable, that she didn't need me.

I admit to a degree I am unstable, or maybe very. I am also selfish, greedy and immature. I'd love to know how much of these were actually projections.

On a side note, at the beginning, spanning right before her asking me to move out... .  she'd say something negative.

"You complain too much" --> "i need you to move out"

At the end, (well when she wanted a breakup?... or was cutting me off)... .  "too bad you don't have the guts to do it" (I'm afraid of adrenaline rush thinigies in which I'm not in control, such as bunjee jumping), she deleted the comment hours later, then 2 days letter ... that... very professional text saying she's going to stop talking to me.

I wonder if it's a lie. As I pried and became a nuisance, she said I'm greedy. Yea, I'm greedy, I want answers... ! (haha). No I cannot fathom just how busy anyone could be if they had an interest. And now I think she might have been lying when she said she even told her best friend (who knew about the BPD the entire time probably, as she was always warning "break up with him before you break his heart", either it was a lie, or the best friend knows well enough to back the hell off.

How did she know? Was my ex trying so hard to win me over to break up with me? (I have never progressed in a relationship past the honeymoon stage, well uhh... this was my first gf, I'm a pretty old guy, I have self esteem issues). I felt numb the second I knew I had her. This was my honeymoon ending probably, but hers was just starting that day. I felt guilty. I let her know. We had fun. Later on I realized what I was going to lose? then she broke up with me. Before I was very nonchalant, and I even broke up with her first, as long distance would be too cumbersome for me. I mean, cmon it's my first gf, it probably won't work out, why would I bog myself, and her down? especially if i was unsure of my feelings? Especially if I was getting very cocky/(greedy?) about. Oh, I'll meet someone "better" who lives closer.

Sex as a control? I would say i initiated close to 100% of the time, and it was me giving, 75%+. with me asking questions if it was ok if I did this, that. As I knew she had been taken advantage by previous partners. I cannot lie, I sometimes got carried away. She rarely reciprocated, it's like I had to work for it. I didn' tmind it. I don't know why. I tolerated it? or did I just not care and enjoy giving pleasure that much?

The gears are turning in my head and I smell sex used as a tool of control. Or maybe I'm remembering things wrong and completely out of my mind.

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