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Author Topic: Mixed Feelings.  (Read 3891 times)
VeryConfusedNon
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« on: December 24, 2012, 01:57:43 AM »

Today, the day before christmas eve, I get a weird text message, I don't remember the number, it just said "Ok sorry"

I responded, no reponse, at all. Is this the BPD ex going for a ~?

I... .out of pure curiosity, checked her social media, indeed something happened. I think it's from what I read... the "holidays" scheme of things (well me too, I miss her, but not quite as much anymore)... .or... .it's from a split black of someone else, and now I'm the recycle... OR

It's someone else, or a wrong text, ... I'm getting a weird feeling, too many things are lining up... .

Yes in some way I am hopeful for a recycle, I won't lie there.
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copingwithhim

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« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2012, 06:56:22 AM »

VCN,

Probably a test to see if you'd react... .and you did.

I've been NC since May, when my uBPDh filed for divorce, which is still not final.  Through this process, I have discovered trips/vacations disguised as work trips, many lies, and missing money (actually quite a bit).  I've come to realize how much he projected and how much gas-lighting I endured.  And, to top it off, he and the woman he was seeing during our marriage (a psychiatric nurse) launched a joint facebook account two weeks ago.

After all this, I still miss him and wish he were here with me, and like you, even dream of a recycle.  However, staying far away and not responding to any of his e-mails, notes or calls is THE only way I will survive this ordeal.

Stay strong, let her go so you can take time for yourself to heal.
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Newton
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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2012, 08:46:18 AM »

VeryConfusedNon, it seems that this random txt has created some uncertainty for you.  If you are "hoping for a recyle" and also experiencing anxiety that "things are lining up" then those feelings alone will help you jump to conclusions.

It could be your ex as much as it may not be.

What would you decide to do if it was an attempt to recycle? Are you undecided?



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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2012, 09:38:44 AM »

If you are truly wanted a recycle, don't answer random texts.  Let them amp it up a bit to a real email.  It's only in the moment that the Ex is trying to self sooth.  By the time you respond, that feeling has moved on.  That's why I do respond to ex's random emails, I respond with no emotion, in a 10-4, roger that response because it kills it right there.  It doesn't amp up and the emails are getting farther and further apart.  I don't take the bait, I nibble and then keep swimming.  I know if I added one bit of emotional response... .it could heat up in an instant.  Like smoking one cigarette after quitting, then you are back to 2 packs a day.

Not one more puff!  Remember how it was to be in the thick of it.  Were you truly happy?
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bpdspell
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« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2012, 10:24:48 AM »

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?
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myself
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« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2012, 01:16:11 PM »

If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity

If they were, they would have already done so, and none of us would have spent so much time and effort, not to mention all the pain, waiting for them to do so.

There is usually a way through a problem. So many of us here are living proof of that. It can be the scariest, hardest thing you'll ever do, reaching out for help, to learn to help yourself, but it can be done and needs to be done to make positive progress in your life. This whole thing about 'They're just kids inside, they can't help it', well, my kids asked for help when they needed it. My kids learned from their mistakes, and work on not hurting their loved ones. And they're still kids. All of those adults out there, and hardly any of them are even trying? Change for the better isn't happening? Disorder or not, it's not anything I'm holding my breath for any more.

Hoping for a recycle, I've been there too. Sometimes it felt like I was being asked if I wanted one last smoke before the blindfold was put on. Who was asking? Me.

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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2012, 07:16:35 AM »

I figure if anything, one recycle should help me be more aware of things, especially with what I know now, if anything... .otherwise, I could maybe get some answers, or soothe myself, or enjoy a very short honeymoon before being split, and go "i knew it, whatever, she is disordered", or maybe it'll be real... .

Let me clarify, this is a random number I have never heard from before, as you know logically, it is VERY hard to reply to a text and get the number wrong. (Assuming the person texted you first, which you kind of have to cause the contents of the text were "Ok sorry"... .weird thing, the last contents of our text/any form of contact wasn't anything warranting "Ok sorry", more like her stating she never had feelings for me. (Being a slight grammar nazi).

I replied, "Excuse me, who are you?"... .and while drunk at a party about over 20 hours later, ... .shamefully... .pretended she was another girl and messaged her... .(Wow I act just like someone with BPD?), no response, both times. Very weird. I'm so sure it's her.

Stalkerish -> I did a bunch of other stuff, and I can say with a realistic 70+% that, that message was probably from her, but I could be wrong.
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2012, 07:19:33 AM »

During the relationship? I went from happy, to feeling neutral (it was my first relationship, I was confused, I knew things were probably ending as from the start, we knew that I was moving over 900 miles away after college)... .I think I was preparing for a move deep inside, or maybe my subconscious thought something was off, maybe i'm a narcissist/BPD and when I finally had her (decided to stay an extra week at school), withdrew. I knew logically I probably liked her, but I felt numb (no honeymoon/rush as when I wasn't sure I had her)... .

Much later, i realized my feelings? (Or is it cause she pulled away and I wanted to chase again?)... .she then dropped me extremely cold. But I guess I was happy? I reminisce frequently.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2012, 09:40:01 AM »

Good stuff, VCN.  Looking at your feelings and working back to what was the attraction is good stuff.  Also look at the times you reach out, what is going on internally in your head and your heart.  Looking at our wants, what we do about them.  Beginning to understand all that drives VeryConfusedNon is the gift that our interactions with our partners gives to us.  When we can unravel why we want what we want, we can start raveling towards taking good care of ourselves.

I hope that made sense.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  The text message sent all sort of feelings running through you, looking at those is a good exercise for you.  Looking at times in the past where you felt uncomfortable, what was going on?  What are your self soothers when you are anxious?
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2012, 02:54:41 PM »

When I was uncomfortable,  or felt numb, I felt like maybe, just maybe I was "using her" to experience things. It could be conceivable as she was a definite life experience for me, or cause that I was always staying at her place... .so maybe I was using her for that, although it ran much deeper. I could have been just used to having someone around, showing me affection, which I am totally not used to, ever. Although I don't have a bad mom, she is annoying to me, haha, she actually makes a lot of sacrifices, but I totally don't appreciate it, I don't care, after this relationship with the BPD, and reading up on things, I could totally see myself saying very effective, f'ed up things to people to get them to writhe in pain. I sometimes run an internal dialogue of optional, f'ed up things I could say, I found out gaslighting isn't difficult to do upon introspection of my make-believe internal dialogues.

She did ask her one time, if I liked her for her mind, personality, or body. This question bewildered the hell out of me. I told her, definitely, yes I loved her body (she is insecure in every single way, well just like me I suppose). I definitely liked the person she was, found some of the red flag things she did cute, adventurous, and aggressive... .basically admirable. I liked her caues she was smart, (she didn'tthink so, always lookikng for validation, i understand this was to pull me in the guardian role in the karpmant rinangle)... .that she had goals, was very goal oriented. PS: the day I felt neutral/numb, I did talk to her about it, it's not like my feelings were a surprise to her. I kept this relationship so very open, in terms of what was going on inside my head. She had almost literally, FULL access, she basically almost knew my entire, internal dialogue. (uh oh, BPD gold!)

I couldn't give a straight answer, but later that day, something good happened to me, i was in a good mood, I decided to celebrate, took her out, paid for her meal, and I saw her smiling, it was her favorite restaurant, her smile made me very happy. I told her this, she later told me if she though otherwise, she would have just withdrawn immediately or something.

After she went back to school, and I was home trying to get a job far away (my goal, my dreams, I told her if she should never, ever move where i was, instead to pursue her dreams)... .she continually asked me in what ways i loved her, later she would exclaim that she was sorry my first gf had to be so crazy.

Now I know... .and she def made it seem, I'm the crazy one (I won't lie, if I'm not professionally disordered/crazy,  I am definitely crazy in another way, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

She kept telling me she would do this and that once school started, that she had to get cold, to do well in her position in an organization (she manages people), that she would cut me off cause of that, and cause she would be so busy. But she liked me so much, I didn't believe it, and when I asked, she would change her answer. She really did do that, she cut me off cause of these reasons, and when I asked into feelings, she always dodged, later on gave me weird answers that quite didn't fit, and switched to the hate speech. Not sure if anyone agrees, seriously if you're that busy for a relationship (I mean, the president never is), you would probably give more than a very, professional-business-like text, not to mention at least include a phone call (no phone call). Upon research, it dawned on me maybe she thinks I'm the disordered one. She later on during the hate phase, called me an instability, that she didn't need me. That I think everything revolves around me... .and that I expect respect without doing things to earn it?... basically that I was manipulative?

I understand, the instability/need/revolves around me part, but the respect?

I swear it could be true, but it could also be projection, that she's an instability, that I don't need her? (well she doesn't need me fits too, karmpman triangle, from victim to prosecutor switch). That things revolve around her? (I will not deny i'm self absorbed, but I played a personal game... .with a friend... my internet/text version of a roschberg inkblot test... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), I gave her some feelers like "eats sushi allll the time" and she would name a friend after a while, I wrote "most selfish person ever", it was an instant response... and the ex's name too... .)

I will say, I personally think I am manipulative. But she has said outloud things like (not a justification, just giving angles to whether what she said was projection or not)... .she got into this  hobby, to show this person up. Later on she did it cause it made her feel good, we spent time together doing thinsg, and it gave her a time to talk... .she said she could make this person do whtever she wanted, just make her feel guilty, or make her feel bad by poking at certain insecurities. I've seen her do it, making this person do XXXXX hobby with us (even though she really doesn't want to)... .she gave me other examples too, i asked if she was manipulating me sometimes... no answer... this is all pre honeymoon, aka just close friends... .
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Sharkey167
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« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2012, 04:22:56 PM »

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?

Thanks for slapping ME back to reality! I love this board.
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #11 on: December 25, 2012, 10:52:11 PM »

I'd love a 2nd chance at a toxic bond to be honest, to get some answers if nothing else... or to confirm to myself or give myself a chance to see things as they happen in real time.

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?

Thanks for slapping ME back to reality! I love this board.

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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2012, 08:16:57 AM »

Lots of clues in your post... .

maybe I was "using her" to experience things

showing me affection, which I am totally not used to, ever

I found out gaslighting isn't difficult to do

mom, she is annoying to me, haha, she actually makes a lot of sacrifices, but I totally don't appreciate it

When I was with my Ex, I was so totally completely absorbed in thinking about him, his moods, what he was doing.  It was an escape from addressing my own stuff that I did not want to think about.  It took some digging with a good T and reading books recommended on this site, I started facing those uncomfortable feelings.  It's funny, I was avoiding dealing with my own issues while setting up a familiar pattern that was set in place at an early age.  Maybe your yearning for the ex is partly to avoid dealing with your 'stuff'?

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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2012, 12:59:19 PM »

Rose, what are you implying? Smiling (click to insert in post) (BPD, NPD, CO Issues?)

PS: No ill feelings here, just curious!

I yearn for my ex and those romantic times Smiling (click to insert in post)

Not sure if this is in line with other BPDs... .but she is SO romantic.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2012, 01:43:08 PM »

No mystery implications implied.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  These relationships can be like an addiction, like to cigarettes, alcohol, food.  Addictions serve to avoid pain.  Usually past issues that we don't want to deal with but yet when we do work through those old hurts, grieve and process it, we lose the need for addictions.  That's it in a nutshell. 
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2012, 05:36:37 PM »

I miss her like candy Smiling (click to insert in post) (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

I never had anyone show that much concern for me ever, except, in my family. that may be part of the reason
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2012, 06:29:57 PM »

I know what you mean, during the idealized phase of the relationship, it was lovely.  Being devalued was rough stuff.  I figure that I could work on loving myself, now that is something I can have some control over.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2012, 07:24:30 PM »

This may sound like a disordered person speaking but dam, I would love ONE recycle.

And in some ways, I am sadistic enough to do exactly what she did to me, to her... .maybe.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2012, 07:43:06 PM »

I wouldn't mind one last bearhug, those felt good.  Just not worth the emotional abuse though.   

It's ok to feel angry and want some sort of revenge.  It might help to write a really mean letter and let those feelings flow, just don't send it.  We don't have enough money in the kitty for bail.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  People with BPD have incredible pain and shame, that's why they developed all those dysfunctional ways of coping.  You can't change another person, and people  with BPD, they are emotional children.  It would be cruel to try to hurt them back.  Take some time and learn more about the disorder.  You will be thanking your lucky stars to not have this disorder and might even feel some compassion.  That might be way down the road.  No hurry, take your healing at your own pace.  Do you have some healthy ways to self soothe?  A nice soak in the tub?  A work out video?  What are some ways that you can take care of you?
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #19 on: December 26, 2012, 08:27:19 PM »

I already know these things, it's why I wrote... I'm sadistic enough to still do it... .haha

Honestly when I think back, I harbor no ill feelings but it would be kind of nice to just, act out and let it all out,the way she treated me, just cause... .even if I know deep inside she is suffering to the point I can't imagine. The hurt that I felt when she split me black, was a projection of her hurt... maybe 1000 times less painful... .

My only soother? working out, my hobbies, and my great career in a great location, that I would have NEVER made it to, had I met her just one month earlier (cause they I wouldn't have searched for jobs out of state that hard). in the end of I had made that sacrifice for her, to stay... .I would have been left with almost nothing.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #20 on: December 26, 2012, 09:54:14 PM »

Funny how things work out.  That is neat that you have a great job, a rare thing now a days!  Seriously, I recommend letting her be,  I've read many stories of ex's filing false claims of domestic violence.  It's even recommended to not be alone with a disordered ex because of this possibility.  Stay free, stay healthy and keep taking care of yourself.  Living well is the best revenge, or so I've heard.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2012, 10:27:35 PM »

To find closure, find reasons, or just out of pain, i did email her, maybe in a barage of texts/emails every week of NC, 2 weeks or 3-4 weeks at the beginning? She told me she would report me for harassment if I didn't stop, but the pain was so great, I had to. i got lucky, nothing so far, last email? the very next email = a report, and she probably has them all saved.

There is NO WAY I will ever initiate contact, it has to be her, haha.

Funny how things work out.  That is neat that you have a great job, a rare thing now a days!  Seriously, I recommend letting her be,  I've read many stories of ex's filing false claims of domestic violence.  It's even recommended to not be alone with a disordered ex because of this possibility.  Stay free, stay healthy and keep taking care of yourself.  Living well is the best revenge, or so I've heard.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #22 on: December 26, 2012, 10:46:22 PM »

 Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Yeah, I did some boundary breaking myself a few times after the break.  I was never a cold turkey type of person.  I rip the bandaide off s-l-o-w-l-y.   He is occasionally boundary breaking now.  I see the email and wonder what now?  It was to let me know Fazoli's has really good lasagna.  And there's that enmeshment, he loves lasagna so I must love it, right?  Nope.  But what am I going to do, can I get mad about a lasagna boundary breaker?  So confusing. 
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #23 on: December 26, 2012, 10:57:44 PM »

I got a weird text from an unknown number a couple of days ago, I'm sure you've read my thread about it? she wrote "Ok sorry"

sounds like a response, and I'm pretty sure it's her. As you know, it's INCREDIBLY hard to response to a text message and send it to a wrong number... .so...

Plus i reverse traced this number, and her last known cell which i have memorized, they both point to the same cell phone provider, I know from looking at social media feeds she just got a new phone.

The day of the text? This image was posted on her social media

"the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive"

But i'm sure the world doesnt' revolve around me, the other images suggest someone has broken her heart, or something similar to that. the images range from a broken heart to slight frustration (there are some semi dark/dark images). It's probably not me. But I can't help but think it's her that texted me... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

wishful recycle thinking perhaps.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #24 on: December 26, 2012, 11:05:02 PM »

I probably would of responded 'you're forgiven'.  But I have a weird sense of humor.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  He also sends me cute dog videos.  See?  He sends things that mean nothing but I can't get mad about it.  Your honor, he sends me pics of puppies, throw the book at him.  Ah well, they are slowing to a dribble.  While that is easing off, I'm getting more interested in other things, thankfully.
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #25 on: December 26, 2012, 11:16:00 PM »

Haha, well I'm evil and pretended she was some other girl that was supposed to bring me alcohol, but out of reading your post, I did just say she was forgiven :P

... .if it's her... LOL

Oh god my texts make me seem like a manipulator... (I am? )

I needed a way to get a response out of her, nothing. (if it was indeed her)

I want my ex to show up at my door, sans any murder weapons... .please.
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« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2012, 06:10:32 PM »

Well considering Ex was either faky act nice guy or cranky irrational guy, he best get a few years of therapy and develop his self before he comes a knocking on my door!

What other texts have you sent?
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« Reply #27 on: December 28, 2012, 06:27:28 PM »

VCN, I have had anonymous text messages too. They coincided with a "send me your new number" comment on fb. The first came a few days later at midnight, saying "hey you ok?". They carried on for days, unanswered, with "hey sorry to txt late you ok?", "this is my new number it's rob" (I don't know a rob?) "what's your name sorry?". Eventually a friend text saying to back off, which they did, and ever since that phone has been off (we've called it (blocked)). Convinced its my exgf too. They can reach out in very bizarre ways, but as Rose Tiger said, its momentary, when they feel that pang of anxiety they can reach out. But, it's a fleeting feeling of need and once it passes they move on again.

If you don't mind me asking how did you find out (70% sure) that its her? I have the number but its been going straight to answerphone ever since.
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« Reply #28 on: December 29, 2012, 12:46:06 AM »

Being drunk, I sent another text, this time directed to her sister, LOL

(there is a reason)

Here is how I am 70% sure

1. reverse lookup of old cell = XX provider

2. reverse lookup of this cell = XX provider

She isn't particularly wealthy, and is a student, so XX provider fits (not your major provider). Not to mention this provider upon googling just acquired a phone. A phone which after my "thorough" investigation, realized she just got recently too. On top of this her social media suggests a breakup/sadness/blah of sorts, that general theme. Especially since it started the day I got the text, well to be accurate probably 7 or 8 hours before I got that text.

Also, the number looks very familiar, I thought it was "her" on octobor, her as in... her sister accidentally mass sending, or a gvoice number, but it was someone else whose number i deleted, ther person is now on my phonebook, not her, I even double checked and asked, I asked various friends, that are sort of mutual but not good enough friends to know for sure... .one def mutual friend came up with the excuse she was too busy (normal, or it could be her covering it up for her). If she didn't change her number, and as I suspected before and now, it might be her sister, she might have used her sister's phone to do it. Also, unless random texts are now the advertisement norm, I don't foresee how the hell I could get a reply text "Ok sorry", and have it arrive at my number. I sent basically 4 or so texts to it, any normal person would have told me to shut up Smiling (click to insert in post).

So, with all the factors combined, I'm sure there is some math that may be applicable in this situation, maybe bayesian math? ... .I am pretty sure it's her. 70%. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am also very aware that she may be reading this. O well. If you are, HI. I would like to be recycled. You may use me for your personal gain.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I must come across as a lunatic (my manipulative way of seeking validation) woohoo! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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Blazing Star
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Been together 5 years
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« Reply #29 on: December 29, 2012, 03:43:09 AM »

Have you thought about seeing a T (Therapist) to help you work through your feelings about being recycled?

Love Blazing Star
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