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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Mixed Feelings.  (Read 3703 times)
VeryConfusedNon
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« on: December 24, 2012, 01:57:43 AM »

Today, the day before christmas eve, I get a weird text message, I don't remember the number, it just said "Ok sorry"

I responded, no reponse, at all. Is this the BPD ex going for a ~?

I... .out of pure curiosity, checked her social media, indeed something happened. I think it's from what I read... the "holidays" scheme of things (well me too, I miss her, but not quite as much anymore)... .or... .it's from a split black of someone else, and now I'm the recycle... OR

It's someone else, or a wrong text, ... I'm getting a weird feeling, too many things are lining up... .

Yes in some way I am hopeful for a recycle, I won't lie there.
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copingwithhim

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« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2012, 06:56:22 AM »

VCN,

Probably a test to see if you'd react... .and you did.

I've been NC since May, when my uBPDh filed for divorce, which is still not final.  Through this process, I have discovered trips/vacations disguised as work trips, many lies, and missing money (actually quite a bit).  I've come to realize how much he projected and how much gas-lighting I endured.  And, to top it off, he and the woman he was seeing during our marriage (a psychiatric nurse) launched a joint facebook account two weeks ago.

After all this, I still miss him and wish he were here with me, and like you, even dream of a recycle.  However, staying far away and not responding to any of his e-mails, notes or calls is THE only way I will survive this ordeal.

Stay strong, let her go so you can take time for yourself to heal.
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Newton
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« Reply #2 on: December 24, 2012, 08:46:18 AM »

VeryConfusedNon, it seems that this random txt has created some uncertainty for you.  If you are "hoping for a recyle" and also experiencing anxiety that "things are lining up" then those feelings alone will help you jump to conclusions.

It could be your ex as much as it may not be.

What would you decide to do if it was an attempt to recycle? Are you undecided?



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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #3 on: December 24, 2012, 09:38:44 AM »

If you are truly wanted a recycle, don't answer random texts.  Let them amp it up a bit to a real email.  It's only in the moment that the Ex is trying to self sooth.  By the time you respond, that feeling has moved on.  That's why I do respond to ex's random emails, I respond with no emotion, in a 10-4, roger that response because it kills it right there.  It doesn't amp up and the emails are getting farther and further apart.  I don't take the bait, I nibble and then keep swimming.  I know if I added one bit of emotional response... .it could heat up in an instant.  Like smoking one cigarette after quitting, then you are back to 2 packs a day.

Not one more puff!  Remember how it was to be in the thick of it.  Were you truly happy?
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bpdspell
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« Reply #4 on: December 24, 2012, 10:24:48 AM »

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?
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myself
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« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2012, 01:16:11 PM »

If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity

If they were, they would have already done so, and none of us would have spent so much time and effort, not to mention all the pain, waiting for them to do so.

There is usually a way through a problem. So many of us here are living proof of that. It can be the scariest, hardest thing you'll ever do, reaching out for help, to learn to help yourself, but it can be done and needs to be done to make positive progress in your life. This whole thing about 'They're just kids inside, they can't help it', well, my kids asked for help when they needed it. My kids learned from their mistakes, and work on not hurting their loved ones. And they're still kids. All of those adults out there, and hardly any of them are even trying? Change for the better isn't happening? Disorder or not, it's not anything I'm holding my breath for any more.

Hoping for a recycle, I've been there too. Sometimes it felt like I was being asked if I wanted one last smoke before the blindfold was put on. Who was asking? Me.

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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #6 on: December 25, 2012, 07:16:35 AM »

I figure if anything, one recycle should help me be more aware of things, especially with what I know now, if anything... .otherwise, I could maybe get some answers, or soothe myself, or enjoy a very short honeymoon before being split, and go "i knew it, whatever, she is disordered", or maybe it'll be real... .

Let me clarify, this is a random number I have never heard from before, as you know logically, it is VERY hard to reply to a text and get the number wrong. (Assuming the person texted you first, which you kind of have to cause the contents of the text were "Ok sorry"... .weird thing, the last contents of our text/any form of contact wasn't anything warranting "Ok sorry", more like her stating she never had feelings for me. (Being a slight grammar nazi).

I replied, "Excuse me, who are you?"... .and while drunk at a party about over 20 hours later, ... .shamefully... .pretended she was another girl and messaged her... .(Wow I act just like someone with BPD?), no response, both times. Very weird. I'm so sure it's her.

Stalkerish -> I did a bunch of other stuff, and I can say with a realistic 70+% that, that message was probably from her, but I could be wrong.
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #7 on: December 25, 2012, 07:19:33 AM »

During the relationship? I went from happy, to feeling neutral (it was my first relationship, I was confused, I knew things were probably ending as from the start, we knew that I was moving over 900 miles away after college)... .I think I was preparing for a move deep inside, or maybe my subconscious thought something was off, maybe i'm a narcissist/BPD and when I finally had her (decided to stay an extra week at school), withdrew. I knew logically I probably liked her, but I felt numb (no honeymoon/rush as when I wasn't sure I had her)... .

Much later, i realized my feelings? (Or is it cause she pulled away and I wanted to chase again?)... .she then dropped me extremely cold. But I guess I was happy? I reminisce frequently.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #8 on: December 25, 2012, 09:40:01 AM »

Good stuff, VCN.  Looking at your feelings and working back to what was the attraction is good stuff.  Also look at the times you reach out, what is going on internally in your head and your heart.  Looking at our wants, what we do about them.  Beginning to understand all that drives VeryConfusedNon is the gift that our interactions with our partners gives to us.  When we can unravel why we want what we want, we can start raveling towards taking good care of ourselves.

I hope that made sense.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  The text message sent all sort of feelings running through you, looking at those is a good exercise for you.  Looking at times in the past where you felt uncomfortable, what was going on?  What are your self soothers when you are anxious?
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2012, 02:54:41 PM »

When I was uncomfortable,  or felt numb, I felt like maybe, just maybe I was "using her" to experience things. It could be conceivable as she was a definite life experience for me, or cause that I was always staying at her place... .so maybe I was using her for that, although it ran much deeper. I could have been just used to having someone around, showing me affection, which I am totally not used to, ever. Although I don't have a bad mom, she is annoying to me, haha, she actually makes a lot of sacrifices, but I totally don't appreciate it, I don't care, after this relationship with the BPD, and reading up on things, I could totally see myself saying very effective, f'ed up things to people to get them to writhe in pain. I sometimes run an internal dialogue of optional, f'ed up things I could say, I found out gaslighting isn't difficult to do upon introspection of my make-believe internal dialogues.

She did ask her one time, if I liked her for her mind, personality, or body. This question bewildered the hell out of me. I told her, definitely, yes I loved her body (she is insecure in every single way, well just like me I suppose). I definitely liked the person she was, found some of the red flag things she did cute, adventurous, and aggressive... .basically admirable. I liked her caues she was smart, (she didn'tthink so, always lookikng for validation, i understand this was to pull me in the guardian role in the karpmant rinangle)... .that she had goals, was very goal oriented. PS: the day I felt neutral/numb, I did talk to her about it, it's not like my feelings were a surprise to her. I kept this relationship so very open, in terms of what was going on inside my head. She had almost literally, FULL access, she basically almost knew my entire, internal dialogue. (uh oh, BPD gold!)

I couldn't give a straight answer, but later that day, something good happened to me, i was in a good mood, I decided to celebrate, took her out, paid for her meal, and I saw her smiling, it was her favorite restaurant, her smile made me very happy. I told her this, she later told me if she though otherwise, she would have just withdrawn immediately or something.

After she went back to school, and I was home trying to get a job far away (my goal, my dreams, I told her if she should never, ever move where i was, instead to pursue her dreams)... .she continually asked me in what ways i loved her, later she would exclaim that she was sorry my first gf had to be so crazy.

Now I know... .and she def made it seem, I'm the crazy one (I won't lie, if I'm not professionally disordered/crazy,  I am definitely crazy in another way, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

She kept telling me she would do this and that once school started, that she had to get cold, to do well in her position in an organization (she manages people), that she would cut me off cause of that, and cause she would be so busy. But she liked me so much, I didn't believe it, and when I asked, she would change her answer. She really did do that, she cut me off cause of these reasons, and when I asked into feelings, she always dodged, later on gave me weird answers that quite didn't fit, and switched to the hate speech. Not sure if anyone agrees, seriously if you're that busy for a relationship (I mean, the president never is), you would probably give more than a very, professional-business-like text, not to mention at least include a phone call (no phone call). Upon research, it dawned on me maybe she thinks I'm the disordered one. She later on during the hate phase, called me an instability, that she didn't need me. That I think everything revolves around me... .and that I expect respect without doing things to earn it?... basically that I was manipulative?

I understand, the instability/need/revolves around me part, but the respect?

I swear it could be true, but it could also be projection, that she's an instability, that I don't need her? (well she doesn't need me fits too, karmpman triangle, from victim to prosecutor switch). That things revolve around her? (I will not deny i'm self absorbed, but I played a personal game... .with a friend... my internet/text version of a roschberg inkblot test... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), I gave her some feelers like "eats sushi allll the time" and she would name a friend after a while, I wrote "most selfish person ever", it was an instant response... and the ex's name too... .)

I will say, I personally think I am manipulative. But she has said outloud things like (not a justification, just giving angles to whether what she said was projection or not)... .she got into this  hobby, to show this person up. Later on she did it cause it made her feel good, we spent time together doing thinsg, and it gave her a time to talk... .she said she could make this person do whtever she wanted, just make her feel guilty, or make her feel bad by poking at certain insecurities. I've seen her do it, making this person do XXXXX hobby with us (even though she really doesn't want to)... .she gave me other examples too, i asked if she was manipulating me sometimes... no answer... this is all pre honeymoon, aka just close friends... .
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Sharkey167
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« Reply #10 on: December 25, 2012, 04:22:56 PM »

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?

Thanks for slapping ME back to reality! I love this board.
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #11 on: December 25, 2012, 10:52:11 PM »

I'd love a 2nd chance at a toxic bond to be honest, to get some answers if nothing else... or to confirm to myself or give myself a chance to see things as they happen in real time.

Very Confused Non,

If I may push a little... .have you asked yourself the "why" of being hopeful for a recycle?

Unless your ex is seeking and has committed herself to serious therapeutic help your hopes for healthy reconciliation and happily ever after are are short lived. You love your ex and its a toxic bond but please understand that you cannot heal her and she cannot fix what's broken inside of you. These relationships are temporary bandaids that mask deep emotional pain on both ends. It's called enmeshment and cannot be rescued by the return of the idealization stage. That stage has come and gone; it will never return because the true her has been exposed. Attempts at reaching out are simply that-reaching out. She is still the same disordered person at heart riddled with shame, guilt, worthlessness and toxic desperation. Our love cannot fix or conquer that.

They are mentally ill and really sick. If they were capable of straightening up, flying right, and treating us with reciprocity it wouldn't be a disorder.

Have you accepted her disorder?

Thanks for slapping ME back to reality! I love this board.

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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2012, 08:16:57 AM »

Lots of clues in your post... .

maybe I was "using her" to experience things

showing me affection, which I am totally not used to, ever

I found out gaslighting isn't difficult to do

mom, she is annoying to me, haha, she actually makes a lot of sacrifices, but I totally don't appreciate it

When I was with my Ex, I was so totally completely absorbed in thinking about him, his moods, what he was doing.  It was an escape from addressing my own stuff that I did not want to think about.  It took some digging with a good T and reading books recommended on this site, I started facing those uncomfortable feelings.  It's funny, I was avoiding dealing with my own issues while setting up a familiar pattern that was set in place at an early age.  Maybe your yearning for the ex is partly to avoid dealing with your 'stuff'?

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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2012, 12:59:19 PM »

Rose, what are you implying? Smiling (click to insert in post) (BPD, NPD, CO Issues?)

PS: No ill feelings here, just curious!

I yearn for my ex and those romantic times Smiling (click to insert in post)

Not sure if this is in line with other BPDs... .but she is SO romantic.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2012, 01:43:08 PM »

No mystery implications implied.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  These relationships can be like an addiction, like to cigarettes, alcohol, food.  Addictions serve to avoid pain.  Usually past issues that we don't want to deal with but yet when we do work through those old hurts, grieve and process it, we lose the need for addictions.  That's it in a nutshell. 
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #15 on: December 26, 2012, 05:36:37 PM »

I miss her like candy Smiling (click to insert in post) (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

I never had anyone show that much concern for me ever, except, in my family. that may be part of the reason
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #16 on: December 26, 2012, 06:29:57 PM »

I know what you mean, during the idealized phase of the relationship, it was lovely.  Being devalued was rough stuff.  I figure that I could work on loving myself, now that is something I can have some control over.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #17 on: December 26, 2012, 07:24:30 PM »

This may sound like a disordered person speaking but dam, I would love ONE recycle.

And in some ways, I am sadistic enough to do exactly what she did to me, to her... .maybe.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #18 on: December 26, 2012, 07:43:06 PM »

I wouldn't mind one last bearhug, those felt good.  Just not worth the emotional abuse though.   

It's ok to feel angry and want some sort of revenge.  It might help to write a really mean letter and let those feelings flow, just don't send it.  We don't have enough money in the kitty for bail.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  People with BPD have incredible pain and shame, that's why they developed all those dysfunctional ways of coping.  You can't change another person, and people  with BPD, they are emotional children.  It would be cruel to try to hurt them back.  Take some time and learn more about the disorder.  You will be thanking your lucky stars to not have this disorder and might even feel some compassion.  That might be way down the road.  No hurry, take your healing at your own pace.  Do you have some healthy ways to self soothe?  A nice soak in the tub?  A work out video?  What are some ways that you can take care of you?
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #19 on: December 26, 2012, 08:27:19 PM »

I already know these things, it's why I wrote... I'm sadistic enough to still do it... .haha

Honestly when I think back, I harbor no ill feelings but it would be kind of nice to just, act out and let it all out,the way she treated me, just cause... .even if I know deep inside she is suffering to the point I can't imagine. The hurt that I felt when she split me black, was a projection of her hurt... maybe 1000 times less painful... .

My only soother? working out, my hobbies, and my great career in a great location, that I would have NEVER made it to, had I met her just one month earlier (cause they I wouldn't have searched for jobs out of state that hard). in the end of I had made that sacrifice for her, to stay... .I would have been left with almost nothing.
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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #20 on: December 26, 2012, 09:54:14 PM »

Funny how things work out.  That is neat that you have a great job, a rare thing now a days!  Seriously, I recommend letting her be,  I've read many stories of ex's filing false claims of domestic violence.  It's even recommended to not be alone with a disordered ex because of this possibility.  Stay free, stay healthy and keep taking care of yourself.  Living well is the best revenge, or so I've heard.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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VeryConfusedNon
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« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2012, 10:27:35 PM »

To find closure, find reasons, or just out of pain, i did email her, maybe in a barage of texts/emails every week of NC, 2 weeks or 3-4 weeks at the beginning? She told me she would report me for harassment if I didn't stop, but the pain was so great, I had to. i got lucky, nothing so far, last email? the very next email = a report, and she probably has them all saved.

There is NO WAY I will ever initiate contact, it has to be her, haha.

Funny how things work out.  That is neat that you have a great job, a rare thing now a days!  Seriously, I recommend letting her be,  I've read many stories of ex's filing false claims of domestic violence.  It's even recommended to not be alone with a disordered ex because of this possibility.  Stay free, stay healthy and keep taking care of yourself.  Living well is the best revenge, or so I've heard.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #22 on: December 26, 2012, 10:46:22 PM »

 Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  Yeah, I did some boundary breaking myself a few times after the break.  I was never a cold turkey type of person.  I rip the bandaide off s-l-o-w-l-y.   He is occasionally boundary breaking now.  I see the email and wonder what now?  It was to let me know Fazoli's has really good lasagna.  And there's that enmeshment, he loves lasagna so I must love it, right?  Nope.  But what am I going to do, can I get mad about a lasagna boundary breaker?  So confusing. 
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« Reply #23 on: December 26, 2012, 10:57:44 PM »

I got a weird text from an unknown number a couple of days ago, I'm sure you've read my thread about it? she wrote "Ok sorry"

sounds like a response, and I'm pretty sure it's her. As you know, it's INCREDIBLY hard to response to a text message and send it to a wrong number... .so...

Plus i reverse traced this number, and her last known cell which i have memorized, they both point to the same cell phone provider, I know from looking at social media feeds she just got a new phone.

The day of the text? This image was posted on her social media

"the only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive"

But i'm sure the world doesnt' revolve around me, the other images suggest someone has broken her heart, or something similar to that. the images range from a broken heart to slight frustration (there are some semi dark/dark images). It's probably not me. But I can't help but think it's her that texted me... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

wishful recycle thinking perhaps.
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« Reply #24 on: December 26, 2012, 11:05:02 PM »

I probably would of responded 'you're forgiven'.  But I have a weird sense of humor.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  He also sends me cute dog videos.  See?  He sends things that mean nothing but I can't get mad about it.  Your honor, he sends me pics of puppies, throw the book at him.  Ah well, they are slowing to a dribble.  While that is easing off, I'm getting more interested in other things, thankfully.
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« Reply #25 on: December 26, 2012, 11:16:00 PM »

Haha, well I'm evil and pretended she was some other girl that was supposed to bring me alcohol, but out of reading your post, I did just say she was forgiven :P

... .if it's her... LOL

Oh god my texts make me seem like a manipulator... (I am? )

I needed a way to get a response out of her, nothing. (if it was indeed her)

I want my ex to show up at my door, sans any murder weapons... .please.
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« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2012, 06:10:32 PM »

Well considering Ex was either faky act nice guy or cranky irrational guy, he best get a few years of therapy and develop his self before he comes a knocking on my door!

What other texts have you sent?
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« Reply #27 on: December 28, 2012, 06:27:28 PM »

VCN, I have had anonymous text messages too. They coincided with a "send me your new number" comment on fb. The first came a few days later at midnight, saying "hey you ok?". They carried on for days, unanswered, with "hey sorry to txt late you ok?", "this is my new number it's rob" (I don't know a rob?) "what's your name sorry?". Eventually a friend text saying to back off, which they did, and ever since that phone has been off (we've called it (blocked)). Convinced its my exgf too. They can reach out in very bizarre ways, but as Rose Tiger said, its momentary, when they feel that pang of anxiety they can reach out. But, it's a fleeting feeling of need and once it passes they move on again.

If you don't mind me asking how did you find out (70% sure) that its her? I have the number but its been going straight to answerphone ever since.
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« Reply #28 on: December 29, 2012, 12:46:06 AM »

Being drunk, I sent another text, this time directed to her sister, LOL

(there is a reason)

Here is how I am 70% sure

1. reverse lookup of old cell = XX provider

2. reverse lookup of this cell = XX provider

She isn't particularly wealthy, and is a student, so XX provider fits (not your major provider). Not to mention this provider upon googling just acquired a phone. A phone which after my "thorough" investigation, realized she just got recently too. On top of this her social media suggests a breakup/sadness/blah of sorts, that general theme. Especially since it started the day I got the text, well to be accurate probably 7 or 8 hours before I got that text.

Also, the number looks very familiar, I thought it was "her" on octobor, her as in... her sister accidentally mass sending, or a gvoice number, but it was someone else whose number i deleted, ther person is now on my phonebook, not her, I even double checked and asked, I asked various friends, that are sort of mutual but not good enough friends to know for sure... .one def mutual friend came up with the excuse she was too busy (normal, or it could be her covering it up for her). If she didn't change her number, and as I suspected before and now, it might be her sister, she might have used her sister's phone to do it. Also, unless random texts are now the advertisement norm, I don't foresee how the hell I could get a reply text "Ok sorry", and have it arrive at my number. I sent basically 4 or so texts to it, any normal person would have told me to shut up Smiling (click to insert in post).

So, with all the factors combined, I'm sure there is some math that may be applicable in this situation, maybe bayesian math? ... .I am pretty sure it's her. 70%. Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am also very aware that she may be reading this. O well. If you are, HI. I would like to be recycled. You may use me for your personal gain.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I must come across as a lunatic (my manipulative way of seeking validation) woohoo! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

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« Reply #29 on: December 29, 2012, 03:43:09 AM »

Have you thought about seeing a T (Therapist) to help you work through your feelings about being recycled?

Love Blazing Star
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« Reply #30 on: December 29, 2012, 04:43:28 AM »

I have, but I currently am not able to do so (for a good reason).

I'm pretty sure, that I want to be recycled, purely to get some answers (which after reading these forums, don't think I'll ever get). It'll also be a chance to relive the relationship, but this time, armed with the knowledge I have gained, to see if what I have suspected, with hindsight, was true/accurate after all, a validation of sorts. Kind of like, let's say you are an adrenaline junkie, and literally just base jumped off of X, and thinking back realize, "wow that was stupid", you read some more about base jumping, you realize "wow, that really was stupid", but the entire time you wonder, "was it really stupid? I don't know, but I'd have to go back to the top again, and maybe jump one more time... maybe not, but at least I'd like to get a perspective of what it was like the first time, but this time, armed with knowledge of this and that"... .so something like that I guess? Wait, I also miss the lovey dovey stuff, yess... .
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« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2012, 03:44:07 AM »

Is it normal, to have little bouts of, wanting to break NC? I of course never will, (I'll never initiate it). But, I want to, so badly.

The longest I have gone without browsing my ex up online is 6 days, of which I was pretty dam ignorantly happy, despite the nagginess of "what are they doing today?".

I wonder if they ever do think about you, in a positive way, it has been 3 months... .

I often have to recall events to reconfirm to myself, yes she does DEFINITELY have BPD, that it wasn't just normal.

I can't help but wonder who the new guy is, if he's a recycle or not, wondering when my turn is up (oh god, yes I'm disordered? Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))
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« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2012, 04:14:19 AM »

Also, wondering, when things were semi good or good? (near the end of it)... .I remember the last night we spent together before she went back to school

she would ask what now? I stated we could be friends like before, that we could talk about anything, and that ultimately if she wanted, she could go out with someone else if that made her happy. I wasn't 100% sure of my feelings, did not want her committing if i wasn't sure, so i said that.

Next few weeks -->

beginning chats, happy, that she usually isn't this clingy, she never liked a guy like this, tells her roommates about me, how she misses me, but keeps my identity a secret (uh, we snuck around during the summer, also out of my self esteem issues, I dont' think i wanted anyone to know either?)... .she supposedly tells them she never emotionally connnected with a guy ever

mid... cries, (victim... me guardian?0 the things we used to do together, particularly working out, she couldn't do anymore, i was just too hard, it reminded her of me, I was agast at this, as I didn't know exactly what magic words to say to fix it other than something along the lines of, --> keep at it, it's good for you, try something else.?

additionally or mid-late stage since post physical contact --> do i like her physically, emotionally, or mentally? whta did the summer with her mean to me? I was busy working out at this time, and my feelings were beginning to detach, i wondered if i still liked her a lot. I ignored her for a bit, honestly, cause I was a bit busy doing my own thing. She later on exclaims, sorry that she had to be so crazy, that she knew she was pushing me away, to which i did totally denied (i have a very high tolerance!)... .and one very short bout of... i think "you better not be toying with me, i ~ing hate being otyed with" ... "what? where did that come from?... .xxxxx" (my reply) --> back to normal... .

mid-late --> late stage... .busy at school, so calls or texts at night as to how she missed me, she would exclaim she just finished m_____ting... .etc... .did i find it weird she was always surrounded by guys... .online chats... telling me wow, this guy definitely likes me... .why is she so old? (we are the same dam age, and we are both over 5 years older than her)... .going partying/bars with friends? letting guys hit on her (i told her to do this btw, as i said, i wasn't 100% sure of my feelings and did not want he rto put her life on hold)... .she would tell me about it... .I recall there was a period of time, where she would just go NC for 1 or 2 days, only to call bakc. One time was, she missed me, was incredibly lonely, asking me if it was wrong if she was jealous of her younger sister, who just got a bf, or that just seeing other couples reminded her of us.

very late stage -> hinted she might be losing interest? but we would see? (invited her out to my new future residence hundreds of miles away)... .one time asked me to just make a damn decision on my feelings for her. (was nice about it)... .I did one evening, she said she could see us going all the way (I refused intercourse, cause from the beginning, we both knew, I would be going away, basically we started the relationship knowing i was graduating and moving far away anyways)... .then silence... .next day I say good morning! ... the reply was "i can't stand how clingy you are", ... .I go "blah balh whatever"... .weekend NC, sunday get a text relaying what she warned me about that she might do once school started, cut me off. It was very business like. Didn't even mention" breaking up",. just that she would end all communications with me. That evening w etalked online... .how did it end? something along th elines of "well if  you are done, I really need to get back to wrok"... "why are you so cold?" "cause I hvae 9 deadlines to meet"... .I mean i get it, she is very busy, but one can't help but smell BS. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, or maybe I'm a victim of gaslighting... .whatever.

I'm so heartbroken at this point, I just go, fine, I'll just remove you from various online hubs including facebook, she replied, very business like, in caps, that this was my declaration that we could no longer be friends. Tough times, I was just about to get into surgery (not serious, wow it seems i'm trying to play the victim here and get someone on this board to play guardian! triangle!)... .during the better times, she told me she did not want to hear anything about my surgery. weird. later on, i figure ... ~... I miss her, i reuquested friendhisp, no response, she just accepted.

1 or 2 weeks go, I had to talk to her, she said no, i pry, and i pry, and by this time I've read a crapload on BPD, I thought she wanted me to chase HARD. so I turned into what she probably wanted me to be, a harassing crazy ex psycho bf to paint black legitimately? (guessing)... .i mirrored her clingy texting behavior early on, but much more intensely

here is where I got (now I remind you, i got this at the beginning ... which I thought was a defense mechanism!) (some of these lines)

Stop bothering me, I don't like you anymore

I was just so busy, i naturally lost feelings

I never really liked you that way (yes, this is all in chronological order!... same day!)... .I was using you for personal gain

I reply... "fine... i don't want to be with someone so cold hearted anymore"

blah blah... .says she never changed, that she is cold hearted, that she was using me/men for personal gain, and that she can cause she hates men

Good bye... (proceedss to block on all communication fronts)

alternate ... email --> how could anyone like me? I'm immature and greedy. the world doesn't revolve around me and people will not succumb to what i want, when I want.

I was so heart broken and confused, I emailed her sister, she found out... and the above is part of the reply... .i basically asked her sister if she ever really did likeme, if she was really like this... .i'm not sure how much the sister knows

but the best friend? the entire relationsihp... her advice to my ex "leave him before you break his heart"... .wow did she know what was coming up, no matter what she said, or how it was different, the best friend kept recommending that. wow. Triangulate? yes I did, in the case of her sister, ... but the ex did too, "even my best friend deosnt' beleive in me"

In this case best friend = prosec her = victim me = guardian.

not sure how much she lied, but why do i believe her ... .that there was no other guy? or was there? I remember one time, she went away for a weekend, she refused to tell me, I have this eery feeling, she was back near me, but for a professional venture for school, but refused to say anything, maybe her new "interest" was part of this too. I'm not 100% sure. I'm so confused. (is anyone not?)

I'm sure at the end

her = victim me = crazy ex bf aka prosecutor new interest = guardian with a constnat switch to

her = prosecutor omg ur crazy and clingy me = victim and whoever i brought in for validatoin = guardian... .or the guardian is her new love interest validating her, approvidng her actions/feeligngs, to move back into her = victim me = crazy ex bf him = guardian... .ok wow.

It really doesn't help, I am a technical person... .I kind of wish in some way, I was dumb. that I didnt care. that the details of BPD were over my head. that I would just sleep it away.
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« Reply #33 on: December 30, 2012, 04:24:16 AM »

Additionally, i realize codependents also lack a self?

I think I know who i am, I am hit__ who really likes to do sporty activities such as x y and z. I'd love to be a professional, but realistically it isn't happening, especially with my age. I'd love to achieve a high level in all of them, i'm really obsessive and I have to be pretty good at my hobbies/interests, to extremely good. I have high standards for myself in these areas. My new goals are to achieve a lifestyle where my hobbies/interests are easily accessible while attempting to maintain some form of a balanced life, especially with a partner. (is this why I clinged so much?).

I think I may have a strong sense of self. I remember reading BPD's aren't really attracted to codependents but with people with strong personaliities... likes narcissists, I really wonder if I am one.

I honestly, truthfully, just cut off a friendship, cause upon introspection/inspection, i realized the way we became friends, was with me as a guardian, being the "savior". She wanted to send me a christmas present, I just, can't accept that, knowing that she thinks I'm her only friend, to let that dysfunction continue, to see the disappointment when she realizes I kind of don't care, or that I'm just so busy with my own personal needs/issues/life in general (just moved), that I would probably fail to live up to this friend's expectations if I were to accept a gift. I refused, she said... .she just got a new phone... but she won't be giving me the number, I tried acting neutral in the karpman triangle... (dam did I sound cold), all in all, i haven't had contact with this friend for about 2 or 3 weeks, and while I do feel slightly guilty, o do feel relived, or I feel nothing. Additionally, I've though of so many things to say or do, that my ex would have probably done. that would have broken her... .

I wonder if I'm a narcissist, or BPD, or as a result of my obsessiveness and exposure to BPD, i'm just fairly good at mimicing one now.
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« Reply #34 on: December 30, 2012, 10:16:25 AM »

Off the cuff, if you are wondering if you are a narcissist, you aren't.

Here's a link to a personality test, click the box with the question/answers in Skip's post and it will take you there.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128254.0

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« Reply #35 on: December 30, 2012, 01:27:35 PM »

Paranoid    ||||||||||||    42%    50%

Schizoid    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Schizotypal    ||||||||||||    50%    56%

Antisocial    ||||||||||    38%    46%

Borderline    ||||||||||    34%    45%

Histrionic    ||||||||||||||    58%    35%

Narcissistic    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Avoidant    ||||||||||||    46%    48%

Dependent    ||||||||||    38%    44%

Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||    50%    45%

First being my score, 2nd being the average... of... (people who take the test?)

is my results?

(i've seen this test before, pretty consistent with the past several times I've taken it? although i do remember the narc/borderline being slightly higher, like in the 40th's? or upper 30's?)

Honestly, truly, anything but BPD/narc. Especially cause it would confirm what my ex said? I mean she must look at psych stuff, to even self diagnose herself (or her friends must, or both), as a borderline. Based on that email, I would say she totally thinks I'm a narcissist?

I mean, I think I did mention, that yes, I did imagine meeting someone in a new location far away, maybe they would be better suited for me, or just better, in terms of, wanting to do active stuff, go out, better looking (ok this was shallow as ~ and I regret ever saying it, i only mentioned it at the time, cause I realized, it doesn't matter, and, she is PLENTY attractive either way).

I wonder if what I listed above is pertinent to other's experience with a BPD girlfriend.
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« Reply #36 on: December 30, 2012, 02:05:27 PM »

A NPD/BPD self diagnosing... .I suppose it could happen?  I can't see my ex self anything, how do you self reflect without a self?  :'(  So are you the shy type but get a couple drinks in you and whoo hoo?
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« Reply #37 on: December 30, 2012, 02:21:08 PM »

LOL rose, do you secretly know me in real life? Smiling (click to insert in post)

(More likely, something about my posts give it away)
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« Reply #38 on: December 30, 2012, 02:21:52 PM »

All I remember is, the ex's best friend going "leave him before you break his heart"... I supposed she could have given her that diagnosis.
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« Reply #39 on: December 30, 2012, 02:35:54 PM »

I took it from the high Schizo and Histrionic.  Avoidant is a little up there, too.  These things are prevalent with the posters here, me included.  Not so much Histrionic, but definitely the avoid conflict trait.

It might be interesting to take the test as her, with your best guesstimates.

Probably your ex's best wouldn't be a best if she told ex that she was BPD.  But maybe... .the friend took what ex was saying, you know projecting her stuff onto you, that the friend went 'oh my gosh, he sounds borderline!".  Sorry if I read your post wrong, wasn't sure if that is what you were getting at.

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« Reply #40 on: December 30, 2012, 02:47:14 PM »

so I'm guessing, you are pretty sociable with some alcohol?

i'm not so sure, the ex always complained that everyone including her best said the way she viewed things was very messed up. (relationships... men).

Wait, to be clear, are you saying that more likely, that my ex was telling her about her problems but making it seem like I had those problems, and the friend said I must be borderline? Maybe. But then again, right before the honeymoon started, pretty much the 2nd time she told me that I had to move out, cause I liked her too much, and it would make her feel better? she texted me very early into the night, saying this and that, that she might have borderline personality disorder, and to come back to her bed... etc... etc... in summary, this was probably day 3 or 4 of the relationsihp, before that, we were just friends who did active stuff together, and talked... .a lot. I do see borderline traits from myself, including obsessive stalking habits.

Are you saying a BPD/NPD would never self diagnose, or admit it? I did pick up this, from the times we were friends though

1. continuously checking herself out, at her toned legs... .(she was getting fitter... and fitter)

2. bragged to me how she could control this person... .or that... .that to control a certain person X, just make them feel bad about themselves or guilty, and they will do whatever you wanted. And i seen her do this, in person... .
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« Reply #41 on: December 30, 2012, 02:56:13 PM »

Oh ok, she had insight enough to know that she was off kilter.  But feels no need to improve herself?

Personality disordered are self absorbed, codependents are other absorbed.  It's a perfect ying yang at times.  Codependents are more likely to work on their issues.  Healing for both involves getting in touch with those shoved down feelings.

Yes, alcohol is liquid courage for me.  Trying to learn to be confident without it.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #42 on: December 30, 2012, 03:08:32 PM »

Alcohol is amazing! (haha, i honestly just started drinking, despite me being well over the age of 21 (but under 30!))

so I am a codependent? Or just an attention seeker HPD/mix?

i am going to read up on shizo/histrionic/avoidant now... .

Oh yeah, I must take the test as my ex, last time I checked, she flew a red radar everywhere, ... .let me take it... .

I'm assuming

1. I know nothing about BPD (so for questions concerning dependance, I would circle... .1 or 0, cause she is very self reliant... .if i factor in my BPD knowledge, I would average and put it in the middle 3... .but not doing so)

2. I have either seen this behavior, heard about this behavior from her, or have heard about it from mutual friends

3. if I don't or am not sure... i marka  middle 3

4. I in general will avoid answering in the extremes... 1 or 5

results

Paranoid    ||||||||||||||||    70%    50%

Schizoid    ||||||||||||    50%    40%

Schizotypal    ||||||||||||||||    62%    56%

Antisocial    ||||||||||||||    58%    46%

Borderline    ||||||||||||||    58%    45%

Histrionic    ||||||||||||||    58%    35%

Narcissistic    ||||||||||    34%    40%

Avoidant    ||||||||||||||    58%    48%

Dependent    ||||||||||    38%    44%

Obsessive-Compulsive    ||||||||||||||||    62%    45%

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« Reply #43 on: December 30, 2012, 03:11:39 PM »

I remmeber one time, she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different" in reference to how i could be dealing with the physical separation so easily... .

she did tell her friend... .that she tends to act like a child around me... .well she told me that... unless she knows a lot about borderline and has foreseen how much reading into i would do, (then she would be the ultimate manipulator)... .she is in fact... borderline.

I did ask one time, to a mutual friend "most selfish person ever!" ... her name came up in an instant (my very, manipulative, gaining to seek information, online version of a roschberg "inkblot" test Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))... i of course warmed her up with other phrases like "does this very often"... with other people's names coming up... .might explain the narcisissm
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« Reply #44 on: December 30, 2012, 09:01:40 PM »

she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different"

If you could sum up a relationship involving BPD, that would be it.  Ex in the idealized phase liked everything I did, and then one day, we disagreed about something.  And the devalue began.  In an enmeshed relationship, differences of opinion are not well tolerated. 
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« Reply #45 on: December 31, 2012, 02:50:41 AM »

WOAH, u know, I knew this, but I never specifically caught this part!

I'm thinking... yes the devaluing started so soon after that moment! thought it was just her getting tired of me, perhaps it was this?

She also said... she hates EVERYONE

and she hates her sister's bf/love interest this and that, she hates people who are fulll of themselves (isn't it ironic? as a BPD/NPD = perfect mix)

I guess you have to be full of yourself in a certain way? or maybe she is a unique case?

She wanted validation on her ill feeelings for this guy, I just made... well what if... this and that... I mean cmon, the guy just turned 18!... .

She split her housemates black... said ill things of them, guess who she went to the winter formal with? yes... .

I think maybe, physical distance is also a trigger, as the housemates were,... .miles away for summer break.



she said "i thought we were similar/same, but it turns out we're different"

If you could sum up a relationship involving BPD, that would be it.  Ex in the idealized phase liked everything I did, and then one day, we disagreed about something.  And the devalue began.  In an enmeshed relationship, differences of opinion are not well tolerated. 

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« Reply #46 on: December 31, 2012, 02:55:55 AM »

side note:

Do pwBPD feel like they are never good for anyone, even in physical looks? She has that insecurity, and I do too. Actually, during intimiate moments early on, before the full onslaught of honeymoon goodness (i would say this would be right before... .that)... .she would say ... .U know I don't really like you that way... .i would go... oh, so u find me unattractive/ugly? she would reply, if I found you ugly, we woudln't be doing this... .it was so awkward. and after everything now, I wonder if she was just stomaching it in just to be with someone, I'm really not so sure.
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« Reply #47 on: December 31, 2012, 07:26:40 AM »

People with BPD have that pervasive shame, the horrible things they say to us are nothing compared to what they say to themselves.  They really beat themselves up.

I found that I also had some rough critical thoughts about myself in my head.  I learned to pin them down and start rejecting them.  They are lies implanted like a tape running through our thoughts.  Part of recovery is changing those self thoughts from negative to positive.  Forgiving ourselves for not being perfect, focusing on our good, being our own encourager and starting to feel real love for ourselves.

When a person with BPD enters treatment, the first year is spent convincing the person that the therapist likes them.  That's how ingrained the self hatred is, they have a hard time believing that anyone really likes them for them.  :'(  Once they trust the therapist, then they feel safe to start peeling back the layers.
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« Reply #48 on: December 31, 2012, 03:31:18 PM »

How would you interpret her results off my guesstimates Rose?

I had a revelation today before going to sleep.

Due to my iinsecurities, I feel like I am never good enough, that I don't deserve to be loved by someone. And during the entire relationship, I was in utter awe someone could love me. Do you think she sensed this? Well, I DID tell her almost every ounce of insecurity I have. LOL. to which she used against me in the end? (How can anyone like you? you're greedy and immature)... -> although I hvae to say, she never once mentioned my looks, maybe cause it's her insecurity too? or... .  

I have a huge thing about looks, I wonder if she at all found me attractive... .  or used me cause I was there... .  Cause seriously, she is attractive, but not in the standard victoria's secret model sense. But she is really beautiful, in every way sans the BPD rage way (Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). Smiling (click to insert in post) Although In some sadistic sense, I do find it kind of ... .  cute... .  when it's not directed at me. (yes, I know... .  shouldn't encourage it). But I do know, as an insecure person myself, no amount of encouragement/validatoin will have lasting effects unless you take it upon yourself to fix yourself... .  fix one's own thoughts.

She exclaimed in the beginning she didn't want to lose me as a friend. Well, she did, only cause she cut me off. I can almost guarantee if I emailed her the respones would be

1. nothing... (NC)

2. harassment report

3. threaten for harassment report, that she totally forgot me, that i'm isignificant, that my feelings don't count

4. ... (yeah right, small chance) HI! How are you? Smiling (click to insert in post) (based on readings from BPD)
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« Reply #49 on: December 31, 2012, 11:33:58 PM »

People with BPD can be extremely charming in the idealized phase.  When someone likes everything you like?  It's nirvana.  It helps you open up and share a lot about yourself.  It feels good.

It isn't that you are not lovable, I'm sure you are as cute as a button and any girl would be lucky to be with you.  The deal with pwBPD, they don't have a well developed self.  There is a milestone, somewhere between 2 and 3 where a toddler starts to realize momma is a separate person.  Before that, a baby thinks me/momma, same thing, enmeshed.  A kiddo starts exploring but running back to momma like home base.  If momma is smiling and encouraging, baby will start learning independence, separateness.  I believe my ex was severely neglected by his momma, no encouraging smile, no hey momma is right here.  I believe he was left alone in his crib for hours.  You know that babies that don't get touched enough, don't get attention, they have issues.  Now this is not always the case, some babies are loved and have good childhoods, sometimes it is something askew in the brain so don't think that all people with BPD had bad parenting.

That's a big old ramble to explain, if kiddos don't make that milestone, that won't continue on the path of developing empathy or a separate personality.  They are empty of self so it's easy for them to absorb your personality, to enmesh.  But then the difference of opinion and it all goes south.  You have become the critical parent.  They are annoyed and frustrated with being a personality that is not really them.  They rebel.  They feel resentment but don't know why, so they start coming up with facts.  That's where they start working on all the things wrong with you.  And we are so eager to get back to the idealization that we start stripping off those pieces of us to make them happy.  Since it wasn't those things really that is upsetting them, it doesn't do a bit a good.  We have become a trigger to the disorder and there isn't much we can do about it.  It's a serious mental disorder.
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« Reply #50 on: January 01, 2013, 10:55:53 PM »

she felt like she had to "act" to get me to like her?

I remmeber a moment when I told her, "you know, you don't have to lie to me, just tell me the truth, I won't judge you"... .  this is when... .  something happened to her, and she lied about it cause she thought I'd be angry (her failing to do something... .  which is almost trivial... .  let's say you have a sprained ankle, and it hurts REALLY bad, but you keep walking on cause you're afraid your bf/whoever will be upset/disappointed/mad at you... .  ).

I know other examples can be, taking an interest in my hobbies/interests, are you saying she never had any interest on her own to pursue these?
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« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2013, 12:29:43 AM »

People with BPD can be extremely charming in the idealized phase.  When someone likes everything you like?  It's nirvana.  It helps you open up and share a lot about yourself.  It feels good.

The deal with pwBPD, they don't have a well developed self.  There is a milestone, somewhere between 2 and 3 where a toddler starts to realize momma is a separate person.  Before that, a baby thinks me/momma, same thing, enmeshed.  A kiddo starts exploring but running back to momma like home base.  If momma is smiling and encouraging, baby will start learning independence, separateness.  I believe my ex was severely neglected by his momma, no encouraging smile, no hey momma is right here.  I believe he was left alone in his crib for hours.  You know that babies that don't get touched enough, don't get attention, they have issues.  Now this is not always the case, some babies are loved and have good childhoods, sometimes it is something askew in the brain so don't think that all people with BPD had bad parenting.

They are empty of self so it's easy for them to absorb your personality, to enmesh.  But then the difference of opinion and it all goes south.  You have become the critical parent.  They are annoyed and frustrated with being a personality that is not really them.  They rebel.  They feel resentment but don't know why, so they start coming up with facts.  That's where they start working on all the things wrong with you.  And we are so eager to get back to the idealization that we start stripping off those pieces of us to make them happy.  Since it wasn't those things really that is upsetting them, it doesn't do a bit a good.  We have become a trigger to the disorder and there isn't much we can do about it.  It's a serious mental disorder.

Rose Tiger. What a wonderful summation of BPD.
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« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2013, 07:34:41 AM »

Thanks Spell.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

VCN, my ex feels he has to act around everyone for approval.  He knows he does it, he told me he does it.  It's called a false self.  They can only wear the mask for so long, and out comes irrational grouchy guy.  After a while, he didn't bother with the mask at all around me.  That was silent treatment, seething, stink eye guy.

There is a thing called the Karpman triangle.  In dysfunctional relationships, people are either the persecutor, the rescuer or the victim.  Healthy people don't play any of these roles.  People with BPD play either the rescuer or the victim, they never ever see themselves as the persecutor.  Right now, my ex is firmly in the victim corner in regard to me.  I am the mean bad momma in his mind.  They can't see their part in the break up, only the 'facts' they come with for why we are so rotten. They move on to new people to idealize thinking that if they only meet the right person, then they will have the intimacy they so deeply desire (but just aren't capable of ever being intimate with anyone - you have to have a self to achieve true intimacy).
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« Reply #53 on: January 02, 2013, 01:15:56 PM »

I feel anytime soon this thing will hit 4 pages and will receive the lock

I've read about the karpman triangle, all I dll ALL DAY is play the guardian... or attempt to with her.

I realized lately ... under the influence lf alcohol, or maybe it feels just so good to let it out? (but more than 10 people know now)... .  to talk about my ex and what happened. So i guess lately I've been playing the victim.

Oh btw, why would a healthy person never go to either corner?

And, from our previous conversations (Rose Tiger), would you say you have HPD? I always had this unsettling feeling I was NPD, but upon reading into HPD, it seems more sense, sans some things I think (which I would have to post later, I'm about to fly Smiling (click to insert in post) )

About alcohol, I always had this internal dialogue running that I'm not good enough, I actually shut it off for almost good while extremely intoxicated on NYE. It felt good, however this cannot be a habit! Barfing is bad Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #54 on: January 03, 2013, 02:11:53 AM »

I think all people occasionally fall into a corner.  Especially when very tired, or hungry, there is a term H.A.L.T.  Hungry, angry, lonely or tired.  These are things that can cause us to not be at our best.  If you are feeling out of sorts, you can run through HALT and figure ways to self sooth.  Other than alky hol.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

I score high on the avoidant/schizo stuff.  Give me a good book to read and I'm a happy person.  I'm ok talking with small groups but put me in front of a large group of people, and I feel really nervous.  I'm getting better though, at work we had a staff meeting and I was fairly vocal.  Who would have thought? Guess I am growing up.

I used to have a really bad constant internal dialogue.  Through therapy, I learned to reject the lies, you know, catch myself thinking really bad things and think NO, that is NOT true.  They were lies planted in my thoughts by my FOO family of origin, especially my older sisters.  They were 4 years older than me and I was constantly ridiculed, learning to walk, learning to talk, put down after put down.  Where the heck was my mother during all that?  Who knows.  Anyhow, I know that I am far from perfect but so what?  Nobody is perfect, why was I putting that standard on myself?  Now my self talk is loving and kind, I don't allow those critical voices to run wild anymore.  You can learn to do this too.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #55 on: January 03, 2013, 02:18:32 AM »

Oh, want to add.  After a break up with a person with BPD, you do want to tell your story.  It's important to get it out.  To work through things.  Old memories will pop up and you'll want to talk about it.  This forum is a good place to let it all out.  It takes some time to process all the aspects of the relationship.  You'll think, ok, done, I'm healed and then boom.  Something out of blue hits you and another memory to work through or feeling sad.  Be really patient and gentle with yourself.  This is rough stuff! 
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« Reply #56 on: January 03, 2013, 02:48:40 AM »

I think on new years, I was HLT Smiling (click to insert in post)

Funny, as I will admit, I am an attention seeker, but sometimes get embarrassed when I think I'm getting it finally.

There is no way continuously looking at my ex's internet stuff is good for me, is it?

I have picked up a someinconsistencies in her posts, including multiple changes of actual personal journals where I suspect one schema is  in play... .  although everyone is open to edit their posts... .  but I'm being super aware/sensitive right now

--> doesn't think she can ever live taking care of another person --> delete

--> lonely on New years... etc... to school stuff -> edited to just school stuff -> edited to new years goals of being a better person... .  goals... taking care of her family. I mean ... .  I feel so guilty! --> during the summer, she may, or may, or we both may have influenced each other to hate our own families, I think my mom is annoying, I found it miraculous she would tell me stories of this and that, pretty much along the same lines as how I treat my mom. Not sure if I told her details about that before (then it would be mirroring) or after I realized this fact (if she mirrored before I told her anything, and her supposed treatment of her mom was part of it... wow... just wow... near psychic).

You know, she said I was unstable, that she didn't need me.

I admit to a degree I am unstable, or maybe very. I am also selfish, greedy and immature. I'd love to know how much of these were actually projections.

On a side note, at the beginning, spanning right before her asking me to move out... .  she'd say something negative.

"You complain too much" --> "i need you to move out"

At the end, (well when she wanted a breakup?... or was cutting me off)... .  "too bad you don't have the guts to do it" (I'm afraid of adrenaline rush thinigies in which I'm not in control, such as bunjee jumping), she deleted the comment hours later, then 2 days letter ... that... very professional text saying she's going to stop talking to me.

I wonder if it's a lie. As I pried and became a nuisance, she said I'm greedy. Yea, I'm greedy, I want answers... ! (haha). No I cannot fathom just how busy anyone could be if they had an interest. And now I think she might have been lying when she said she even told her best friend (who knew about the BPD the entire time probably, as she was always warning "break up with him before you break his heart", either it was a lie, or the best friend knows well enough to back the hell off.

How did she know? Was my ex trying so hard to win me over to break up with me? (I have never progressed in a relationship past the honeymoon stage, well uhh... this was my first gf, I'm a pretty old guy, I have self esteem issues). I felt numb the second I knew I had her. This was my honeymoon ending probably, but hers was just starting that day. I felt guilty. I let her know. We had fun. Later on I realized what I was going to lose? then she broke up with me. Before I was very nonchalant, and I even broke up with her first, as long distance would be too cumbersome for me. I mean, cmon it's my first gf, it probably won't work out, why would I bog myself, and her down? especially if i was unsure of my feelings? Especially if I was getting very cocky/(greedy?) about. Oh, I'll meet someone "better" who lives closer.

Sex as a control? I would say i initiated close to 100% of the time, and it was me giving, 75%+. with me asking questions if it was ok if I did this, that. As I knew she had been taken advantage by previous partners. I cannot lie, I sometimes got carried away. She rarely reciprocated, it's like I had to work for it. I didn' tmind it. I don't know why. I tolerated it? or did I just not care and enjoy giving pleasure that much?

The gears are turning in my head and I smell sex used as a tool of control. Or maybe I'm remembering things wrong and completely out of my mind.

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