Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 05:27:36 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The workshop I need a little help with  (Read 885 times)
cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« on: January 03, 2013, 10:49:58 AM »

I've read the workshop 'idealisation to devaluation, why we struggle.'

And this statement keeps playing on my mind "Now- after reading all of this- You can’t keep going back for more trauma.   The trauma bond must be broken."

Is it possible to break this bond and stay in the relationship? I've been back here a day and already I'm having my doubts. I don't want to write anymore incase I upset an other member.

Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 12:25:11 PM »

Sorry everyone I misunderstood the message in the post and it made me panic a little.

Am I right in saying "the relationship is not the truma bond, the truma bond is what we where looking for in the relationship that we never found?"
Logged
almost789
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 783


« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 12:29:21 PM »

Hi Cartman,

I don't think its possible to break the bond and be in the relationship. I think thats where part of NC comes in. Don't worry about switching back and forth on the boards. I frequently do. I am mostly leaving but I switch back and forth frequently. Its part of the process. I am "leaving" but that doesn't mean I can't post on the staying or undecided board if I have relevant information or help. Also, I could potentially change my mind at any moment. If my BPD came back and came out of denial, sought therapy, I'd probably go back. It's not as simple as switching boards as you can see.

But back to your concern, I don't know of anyway to break the trauma bond while being in the relationship. It seems that once these relationships become fractured each time you recyle it gets worse and worse until him and I are in nothing but a heap of pain. I finally realized this the last time that we were only hurting each other.
Logged
united for now
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Relationship status: separated
Posts: 8708

Talking about solutions create solutions


« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 01:13:40 PM »

Those are "theories" 2010 was discussing, based on the thoughts of different professionals. It is one way to explain human development and behavior. There are many ways to conceptualize people though, so be wary of grabbing onto one that seems like a good fit, since there has been no consensus regarding which theory (belief) of personalities and develpment is "Right".

Much of what 2010 wrote on was how to break bonds and attachments, not rebuild. You need to conceptualize it from a diferent perspective if you want to create positive long lasting changes.



Change is always possible.

If change is done in loving, caring, responsible ways then it has the power to transform people.

If change is implemented from a rigid stance of boundaries and power over, then it has the power to destroy people.

The bonds you forged with your wife are still there, they've just been tattered and frayed. They need some kindness and compassion, mixed in with some changes in how you view and communicate with each other. Your journey of self discovery is the right path, since through developing your own self you will be the guide and the role model she needs to start making the journey herself.

It is a scary journey, trying to rebuild... .  and we are all here to help you 

Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
Chihiro
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 199



« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 02:05:28 PM »

The question - whether the trauma bond can be broken and a healthy one forged while still in the relationship - is a big one for me, too.

I have trouble rebuilding the love and trust in my relationship with my BPDh because he has caused more pain to me than anyone in my entire life.  It's magnified in part because it replicates the relationship I had with my father.  He is pretty much a clone of my dad, who I also believe was borderline.  My H is a quiet, high functioning borderline, so while I saw the similarities between them, I wasn't aware how deep they ran until much, much later - years. 

I am very interested in others' thoughts on this.  I have been trying to heal my wounds for quite a long time now, and the progress is soo slow and painful in the company of the person one is trauma bonded with.  I do wonder about whether it's possible to ever really open up to someone who has hurt you so badly and lacks the ability to repair the relationship.  So far it's the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.  I've been trying for over two years now and I'm still not sure it's possible on an almost daily basis.

     
Logged
elemental
aka "zencat"
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 789


« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2013, 03:33:29 PM »

Thank you, United.
Logged
almost789
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 783


« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2013, 03:40:15 PM »

 
Is it possible to break this bond and stay in the relationship?

The trauma bond is the "relationship bond" formed through trauma because of their and our deep seated issues, thus a "trauma bond". They are not exclusive of each other. You cannot break the relationship trauma bond while remaining in the relationship. If you want the relationship bond with out the "trauma bond" you would both have to be healthy which is not the case. The BPD certainly is not.

I take back my statement that says I would go back if he sought treatment. I'm flip flopping and, I don't want to go back there! I want to break the bond.  I would be his friend, but not his girlfriend.

Logged
cartman1
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 207



« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2013, 04:15:22 PM »

Thanks for the posts. I've had a pretty busy day today, my wife got in and seemed severely off. I started a few conversations and she just walked out the room when I was mid sentence. She was really quick tempered with me and had them eye's, I'm not sure if everyone else gets them looks when the pwBPD is being off.

Those are "theories" 2010 was discussing, based on the thoughts of different professionals. It is one way to explain human development and behavior. There are many ways to conceptualize people though, so be wary of grabbing onto one that seems like a good fit, since there has been no consensus regarding which theory (belief) of personalities and develpment is "Right".

Much of what 2010 wrote on was how to break bonds and attachments, not rebuild. You need to conceptualize it from a diferent perspective if you want to create positive long lasting changes.



Change is always possible.

If change is done in loving, caring, responsible ways then it has the power to transform people.

If change is implemented from a rigid stance of boundaries and power over, then it has the power to destroy people.

The bonds you forged with your wife are still there, they've just been tattered and frayed. They need some kindness and compassion, mixed in with some changes in how you view and communicate with each other. Your journey of self discovery is the right path, since through developing your own self you will be the guide and the role model she needs to start making the journey herself.

It is a scary journey, trying to rebuild... .  and we are all here to help you 

Hi United for now, I've got to say for me that's not theory. This for me is even closer to home than the article on how a BPD relationship evolves. That is exactly how my life panned out until I found the forum, then I started reading some lessons and workshops and I read a post by TemptingFate and it hit. Radical acceptance. Do I feel alone? Yes. Have I always felt alone? Yes. I do feel alone right now but you know what for the first time in my life I don't feel 'LONELY'. I feel whole, complete. 
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!