How do they react to your moving on?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I know I shouldn't care what they think anymore- I haven't spoken to my ex in 6 months or so, but I'm curious.  Do they even care that you're dating others?  Since they've split and painted us black, maybe they think good riddance?  Mine seemed to get really jealous at the prospect of me dating other men, but I realized after we broke up that I never really understood what he was feeling- he admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

[SarahinMA]

I know I shouldn't care what they think anymore- I haven't spoken to my ex in 6 months or so, but I'm curious.  Do they even care that you're dating others?  Since they've split and painted us black, maybe they think good riddance?  Mine seemed to get really jealous at the prospect of me dating other men, but I realized after we broke up that I never really understood what he was feeling- he admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

[Jay08]

Well, my ex would always contact her ex's before me when she found out they were dating someone else. She stalked their facebook so she knew when they were.

She did not do it to try and hook up in the moment, but im sure her motive was to keep tabs.

Again, part of them always believes that you are still theirs, that you belong to them. So they will sometimes try to ruin a future relationship even if they are in one. There is many stories about that on here.

But then again, all you have to do really is think how you feel when an ex moves on from you. Even when your over it and the fog has lifted, finding out an ex is doing just fine without you still sort of brings back some chemicals. Just magnify this by BPD status.

[hithere]

She sends me a text every 3 or 4 weeks, probably checks out my facebook or whatever... .  she is busy with her next victim, it is a lot of work to indoctrinate a new one.

[gettingoverit]

I don't think they really care because they usually have another host to mirror and are still high off the honeymoon phase. At least that's the impression I get from my xBPDgf. She couldn't care less and frankly neither do I.

[bpdspell]

I know I shouldn't care what they think anymore- I haven't spoken to my ex in 6 months or so, but I'm curious.  :)o they even care that you're dating others?  Since they've split and painted us black, maybe they think good riddance?  Mine seemed to get really jealous at the prospect of me dating other men, but I realized after we broke up that I never really understood what he was feeling- he admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

Hey Sarah,

People with BPD are people drowning in shame, toxic thoughts and twisted pretzel logic. Because of this it makes it virtually impossible to decipher their actions, behavior, thoughts or motivations. I am a believer that they miss ex's and think of us from time to time but the fact remains that they're disordered in the heart and mind. No amount of missing us will change that. They're human and like all humans who are dumped; it hurts. It hurts to be rejected and abandoned and it will hurt someone excruciatingly with BPD because of the intensity of their child emotions. Like children they can get possessive, jealous, envious and controlling but they don't have the maturity of insight to make amends when they cause harm to others.

I broke up with my ex because I could no longer take his entitlement. The lopsidedness was killing me and I honestly feel like I was dumped because he was so rejecting of my needs when we were together. He forced my hand but something tells me he suspected that the ax would drop soon. He tried to line up replacements, tried triangulation (read definition), but those plains failed miserably.

I believe that they are more concerned about not being alone then who you moved on with. Remember it's all about them. They may get jealous at evidence of you moving on but that doesn't make them want to treat you any better. Remember. They cannot make amends, they cannot make things right with others, they can only exploit for their own personal gain once the mask is dropped.

Spell

[Seb]

Funnily enough, I get the feeling that its killing my ex that I've moved on.

I did basically what you're not supposed to do when you're dumped: cried, pleaded, begged her to stay, the full works, totally pathetic looking back (oh dear!). I played right in to her hands. She thought I was on the verge of dumping her and got in there first, to be the one doing the dumping, not wait to be dumped. She loved having the control.

So fast forward a few months, and the lack of attention from me has brought her out of the woodwork... .  After a few months of complete radio silence I've had internet snooping, accidental instagram 'likes', anonymous letters/emails, random anonymous text messages in the middle of the night, all of a sudden coded public fb status updates (things that, I feel, are just too much of a coincidence not to be aimed at me). It's ridiculous.

I think she loved knowing I was chasing her, and that she could come back any time she wanted because I was in love with her, and miserable without her.  Now that I've accepted it, want more from my life, moved on and have someone new in my life (albeit just platonic at the moment), I get the feeling she's reeling at the injustice of it all. She loves being wanted, she loved that I wanted her... .  but, I don't want her anymore. I'm not playing her games.

[Blessed0329]

Seb, this is exactly what I am now getting from my ex pwBPD, random "likes" on FB, postings that are, like you say coded, and direct replies to my own FB postings. He does this stuff in a flurry, then disappears, then reappears... .  it's weird. But just as you say, it seems to be driving him crazy that I don't care anymore, and am no longer begging and pleading with him to throw some crumbs my way. I guess we get their attention again when we no longer care to give them ours.

[charred]

My exBPDgf has made a FB page apparently just for me, sent a few hundred texts and emails (before I changed my number and blocked her) and magically had another guy 3 days after I dumped her. No question I am on her mind though, and its been about 6 mos.

Mine doesn't know whether I moved on or not, as I would not want to endanger someone I was seeing by having her aware of them. My exBPDgf all but stalked my exwife, called her, sent nasty emails and text messages and taunted her. Bitter jealously is an understatement. So, even though I have gone out with a few ladies since the breakup, not a word is on FB. At some point I will just have to make it friends only and put some words in, or the new SO will be offended.

I personally have had a hard time moving on. I initiated the breakup, as we had recycled 6 times and it wasn't working, I was being treated very poorly, my exwife was and even my daughter was showing signs of trauma from the whole thing. (The pwBPD contacted me after 20 yrs... aggressively sought me out and pushed for the divorce I stupidly got... then continued to make my life hell... wish I had never talked to her.)

Moving on seems hard because I feel like I still love her, but I believe it is a trauma bond not real love. She isn't capable of non-disordered love, in my opinion. Given all the horrible stuff she did in our r/s... and me still wanting her, I started seeing a T. It is looking like I have some issues that make me an attractive target for her and that I need to work on.

Focusing on getting your issues identified and corrected is probably the best way to move on... become healthy enough to never accept the pwBPD that you are moving on from. I know I will be vigilant when it comes to avoiding r/s with disordered individuals from now on.

Life is too short for that much misery.

[FogLight]

Mine was vindictive about it.  I didn't really beg and plead with her too much when we broke up, except on the day she broke it off.  I tried to make it quick by ending on a good note and letting her know I was ok with it, and she lashed out.  No biggy, I ignored it and got on with my life.  That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

She then pestered me by phone for about 3 months while I ignored her, but I gave in when she started begging and pleading... .  shoe on the other foot?  Not so much, just doing what she could to get my attention, and it worked.  She was crying, said she didn't move on and didn't want to (while denying her not so new fiance even existed), but I made it clear (somewhat gently) that we were done for good.  Once again, she lashed out, made me the persecutor and the new guy her rescuer again.  Fortunately that was the last I've heard from her.  Hopefully that will be it, she has almost no way to stalk me... .  no FB, no contact with mutual friends, emails blocked, and my phone has that little ignore button, and she can drive by all she wants, it's her gas money not mine.

How do they react?  Selfishly.  Angry that we won't be their ego strokes, their back-ups, their supply (emotional, fincancial, 'other', their rescuers and persecutors (triangulation (read definition)), their's period.  At least that's been my experience.

[Oneneatguy]

Reading these posts has been very enlightening.

I told my ex that I wanted NC several weeks ago.  She seems taken aback by this.

She called me up a week later to discuss it. I reiterated that I want NC.

It has nothing to do whether I love her etc., it is what I need to heal.

I could feel the gears turning in her head, NC doesn't suit her needs.   We will see what happens.

[hithere]

How do they react?  Selfishly.  Angry that we won't be their ego strokes, their back-ups, their supply (emotional, financial, 'other', their rescuers and persecutors (triangulation (read definition)), their's period.  At least that's been my experience.

Good, accurate summary!

[daybreak]

It seems there's two types.  One type that won't "turn loose" very easily AND then the other type that I call a "runner."  They dump you and you never hear from them again... .  they "move on" in a major way.  The second type are masters at avoidance, stuffing their feelings and painting you black.  They could care less if you are dead or alive.

[OTH]

I have talked enough to my ex to know she wouldn't think much if I was struck by a car and killed tomorrow.   

If that did happen but in the future if she found herself alone and needy she would remember me and be very sad I was dead and couldn't contact me for support.

[OFFtheTopRope]

Well, after mos of silent treatments, hostility, being led on, lied to, every excuse in the BPD handbook, left alone to "figure it out" that we were finally "done" after this cruel battle, then rudely attacked & informed by a total stranger online that she "had another boyfriend" because im just a "creepy stalker" ---- um i got my first taste to answer your question.  Yesterday! 

She first assumed i had gone to this one woman she despises just to spite her after the breakup.  It wasnt true.  I tried to tell her but she didnt believe me so whatever  it stayed in her head. 

Last night i was on an obscure site talking in a public forum with new online friends.  She had to hunt me down GOOD to find this, lurking in shadows watching the conversation.  One chatter was flirty and female.  All of a sudden i see my exBPDs normal screen name join in, berating this woman, telling her shes a "disgusting ___" for even thinking she "knows" me and to "fck off and _____".  Yes, she used my given name and could not stand knowing i had shown steps to move on, per her rude suggestion, and was doing so.  I ignored her as it was quite shameful and should have been embarassing! 

Know what?  After ALL these miserable months begging for an answer, asking for a talk, settle up loose ends with our stuff, being ignored and cut coldly out of her life, this act brought me a better sense of "closure" id been seeking.  It was oddly liberating by the bolD traits steeringher into a raging tantrum.  Like a 2yr old!

So no, they push/pull/ignore/paint black/smear/tell you not to contact them, but do NOT like actually seeing their greatest wish coming true.  This is her problem.  Not mine & never was. 

[gettingoverit]

It seems there's two types.  One type that won't "turn loose" very easily AND then the other type that I call a "runner."  They dump you and you never hear from them again... .  they "move on" in a major way.  The second type are masters at avoidance, stuffing their feelings and painting you black.  They could care less if you are dead or alive.

Couldn't agree with you more. My ex is a "runner". Once she moves on with someone else, she disappears like a ghost and has done exactly as described above; avoid, blame and paint you black. And as I stated before she could not care less about me at this point... .  she has her new "soulmate" to occupy her mind. In the whole scheme of things runners are the best kind to have, because they leave you alone to heal and move on with your life.

[Cmjo]

I left uBPDh 3 months ago, taking my kids with me. As it was the second time, he just sulked and waited for me to go back, being abusive and threatening, because usually before just to calm him down Iwoukd make the peace and we would have to go on like nothing had ever happened.

I spent the first month out reading and posting here, as I had only just discovered BPD as a possible diagnosis, yes after 12 years struggling to understand him.

Then it became clear I would also have to leave my job, that had been brewing for about 4 years! Almost overnight with two colleagues, we picked a name for a new law firm, and I started to design logos and put together a website. At the end of the second month I announced it to my family and my current bosses, and rented a place in a business centre. Actually it was a great distraction, a very positive move for me, my career taking off for the first time since I had kids.

He had always been very inconsistent, one day telling me how clever I was, and for years taking 50% responsibility for the house and family more than any man I know, allowing me to commute to the city to work as he works shifts and was nearer home, but the next day he would be  ranting and cursing at me because I thought I was high and mightyand better than everyone and was neglecting my family and how he was my slave and lackey, and I let him do everything at home and I didnt care about the children, and on days when he knew something important was going on at work he would try to undermine me, ignore me, cause an argument, get my attention like a baby.

My uBPDh was the last to find out, just a couple of days ago, after I had talked about it to my D11 and she went to announce it to him, before I had the chance to. When I went to collect the children after a day with him, he was lying on his bed, did not take his eyes from his laptop, yelling and screaming abuse aboutnI had abandoned him, new house, new office , new life... .  and his anger is so great he used the kids to punish me more, he said in front of them he wouldnt be picking them up from school anymore as he is not my childminder, and told my S9 to take all his new toys away with him, so my son left crying.

His abuse of the children suddenly worsening at the end was the key to pushing me to finally leave. Now its getting worse again, is he moving towards another extinction burst. ? I am scared for me and for them what he will do. I feel so bad for him I want to contact him, but I know that will mean more abuse. It hurts me for the children to be experiencing this, but after three months maybe they are starting to forgive me for leaving and understanding why I did. My priority is being strong for them, and for me (not so easy... .  )

[must move on]

Mine was vindictive about it.  I didn't really beg and plead with her too much when we broke up, except on the day she broke it off.  I tried to make it quick by ending on a good note and letting her know I was ok with it, and she lashed out.  No biggy, I ignored it and got on with my life.  That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

She then pestered me by phone for about 3 months while I ignored her, but I gave in when she started begging and pleading... .  shoe on the other foot?  Not so much, just doing what she could to get my attention, and it worked.  She was crying, said she didn't move on and didn't want to (while denying her not so new fiance even existed), but I made it clear (somewhat gently) that we were done for good.  Once again, she lashed out, made me the persecutor and the new guy her rescuer again.  Fortunately that was the last I've heard from her.  Hopefully that will be it, she has almost no way to stalk me... .  no FB, no contact with mutual friends, emails blocked, and my phone has that little ignore button, and she can drive by all she wants, it's her gas money not mine.

How do they react?  Selfishly.  Angry that we won't be their ego strokes, their back-ups, their supply (emotional, fincancial, 'other', their rescuers and persecutors (triangulation (read definition)), their's period.  At least that's been my experience.

OMG I could have wrote this... .   Yes my exBPD did all this and contacted my ex partner living on the other side of the world with Vile messages etc whilst Still with me... .  I found this stuff my accident so god knows what is happening now. I do know the painting me black to everyone we mutually knew as worked... .  but this is only a short term thing... .  not that I care to much at this stage i think it is pathetic behavior

[FindingMe2011]

I know I shouldn't care what they think anymore- I haven't spoken to my ex in 6 months or so, but I'm curious.  Do they even care that you're dating others?  Since they've split and painted us black, maybe they think good riddance?  Mine seemed to get really jealous at the prospect of me dating other men, but I realized after we broke up that I never really understood what he was feeling- he admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

 

Just makes me wonder, how much you have really moved on. By getting into a new r/s?.  Obviously your still trying to get into a mental illness, and apply logic.  What is it you would like to hear?.  PEACE

[SarahinMA]

It seems there's two types.  One type that won't "turn loose" very easily AND then the other type that I call a "runner."  They dump you and you never hear from them again... .  they "move on" in a major way.  The second type are masters at avoidance, stuffing their feelings and painting you black.  They could care less if you are dead or alive.

The second is totally my ex.  I think he might have some AvPD in him as well.

I know I shouldn't care what they think anymore- I haven't spoken to my ex in 6 months or so, but I'm curious.  Do they even care that you're dating others?  Since they've split and painted us black, maybe they think good riddance?  Mine seemed to get really jealous at the prospect of me dating other men, but I realized after we broke up that I never really understood what he was feeling- he admitted to always telling me what I wanted to hear.

 

Just makes me wonder, how much you have really moved on. By getting into a new r/s?... .  Obviously your still trying to get into a mental illness, and apply logic... .  What is it you would like to hear?... .  PEACE

I will fully admit I haven't totally moved on.  I'd never dealt with a relationship like this and I still struggle to make sense how he was able to just coldly discard me.  I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time- dating now... .  hoping there will be someone out there that I can trust again and be vulnerable with again.  I haven't found that yet.  I game my ex everything that I had.  I tried so hard to make it work and he just ran.  He dropped from his life and never looked back.  When I see him now, he looks at me with cold, dead eyes as if I was a stranger or the most hated person alive.  Several months ago, I stood 5 feet from him and he looked right through me, didn't say anything, and walked away.  I'd love to know what's going through his head at these moments.  This person who told me he loved me so often; who hugged me with such tenderness. 

No, I'm not sure when I'll fully move on, but I'm definitely trying. 

[FindingMe2011]

I'd never dealt with a relationship like this and I still struggle to make sense how he was able to just coldly discard me.

When we truly learn (do the research of undeniable facts),of the illness, this leads to understanding, and the ability to not take the illness personally. As this progresses, hopefully we start looking at our own motives for how/why we subjected ourselves, willingly, to such a toxic r/s. For many of us, we see the pattern for us to do this, over and over (although this one may have caused the most pain). This is where the true healing (moving on) begins.

I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time- dating now...

This is how most determine that they are moving on. Allowing the mind (subconscious) to protect the body(conscious), just as we have dealt with our past trauma. This turns into the term "baggage". Then when the same results happen, we wonder what happened. Its still the same dance, just a different step. Wash, rinse, repeat. When we continue to do the same things over and over, how is it, we expect a different result?  The faulty thinking, that time heals all, helped me believe my ex, had escaped her past. This also held true for myself.  

hoping there will be someone out there that I can trust again and be vulnerable with again.

Through boundaries for ourselves and others. Taking a look at our FOO, and truly understanding what makes us tick, and how we got to this point, allows us to see our deficiencies, and weaknesses. The bi-product of this is being able to trust yourself, and love yourself, much in the same way, we loved our ex. You then understand, and know who you can trust and be vulnerable to. At the very least, you will be able to see things for what they are, before so much becomes vested. Look at it as if, your picker is a little off, and its your responsibility to figure out why.

 I game my ex everything that I had.  I tried so hard to make it work and he just ran.  He dropped from his life and never looked back.

Upon understanding his illness. You would see that this is not about you. Yet you continue to play the victim role. Its his fears of intimacy, and abandonment (which he longs for, but cant sustain) that caused this. Running is one reaction a person may have when put into survival mode(my ex constantly was here), and it doesnt matter whether its perceived or real, its real to them. So the reason he ran was FEAR, not the many thoughts you put through your mind, or the many reason he proclaimed.

When I see him now, he looks at me with cold, dead eyes as if I was a stranger or the most hated person alive.  Several months ago, I stood 5 feet from him and he looked right through me, didn't say anything, and walked away.  I'd love to know what's going through his head at these moments.  This person who told me he loved me so often; who hugged me with such tenderness.  

Most PDs involve black and white thinking. You have to be bad (black), for this to work in his head. To view himself this way, would lead to abandonment depression (which is part of healing healthy), which to him is extinction, or death. This is how a person with a part time self copes. We see the confusing bi-products, masked behind words.   Actions speak truth, not words.  Trying to figure out what is going on in a disordered mind, is like trying to fit logic into crazy, it doesnt work. If you had asked him, it most likely wouldnt have made sense, or you would hear how everything was your fault, who knows.  A better question for your healing would be "What were the feelings I had, when he was close to me? What is the true origin of this feeling?.  This r/s just ripped off the band-aids, from your past trauma  (that time healed), it was not the origin.

No, I'm not sure when I'll fully move on, but I'm definitely trying.

I understand that moving on, means something different to all people. My definition has changed to, I understand it as growing emotionally, and learning how to truly leave my past, in the past. To let go. To be able to sit along side of my emotions, in the worst of times, so that I can see things for what they ARE, not what I thought they were, or could be.

.What is it you would like to hear?.  PEACE

Answering this would help you see, what you need to do, or understand. You have all the answers inside of you. Its just whether or not, you want to find them.  Sarah, Im not saying that dating is wrong. I just saw some faulty thinking, I used to have, and had a hard time accepting

.  I wish you well, PEACE

[jdcthunder14]

If that did happen but in the future if she found herself alone and needy she would remember me and be very sad I was dead and couldn't contact me for support.

I think that is the key... .  need. I went through several months of emails and texts in an attempt to understand her, she would always respond. Once she got pregnant and settled into her new life (being pregnant I think is perfect for a person with BPD because they are the center of attention) she wasn't as quick to respond to me anymore and basically dismissed me.

[SarahinMA]

I'd never dealt with a relationship like this and I still struggle to make sense how he was able to just coldly discard me.

When we truly learn (do the research of undeniable facts),of the illness, this leads to understanding, and the ability to not take the illness personally. As this progresses, hopefully we start looking at our own motives for how/why we subjected ourselves, willingly, to such a toxic r/s. For many of us, we see the pattern for us to do this, over and over (although this one may have caused the most pain). This is where the true healing (moving on) begins.

I am so much better than I was a year ago at this time- dating now...

This is how most determine that they are moving on. Allowing the mind (subconscious) to protect the body(conscious), just as we have dealt with our past trauma. This turns into the term "baggage". Then when the same results happen, we wonder what happened. Its still the same dance, just a different step. Wash, rinse, repeat. When we continue to do the same things over and over, how is it, we expect a different result?  The faulty thinking, that time heals all, helped me believe my ex, had escaped her past. This also held true for myself... .  

hoping there will be someone out there that I can trust again and be vulnerable with again.

Through boundaries for ourselves and others. Taking a look at our FOO, and truly understanding what makes us tick, and how we got to this point, allows us to see our deficiencies, and weaknesses. The bi-product of this is being able to trust yourself, and love yourself, much in the same way, we loved our ex. You then understand, and know who you can trust and be vulnerable to. At the very least, you will be able to see things for what they are, before so much becomes vested. Look at it as if, your picker is a little off, and its your responsibility to figure out why.

 I game my ex everything that I had.  I tried so hard to make it work and he just ran.  He dropped from his life and never looked back.

Upon understanding his illness. You would see that this is not about you. Yet you continue to play the victim role. Its his fears of intimacy, and abandonment (which he longs for, but cant sustain) that caused this. Running is one reaction a person may have when put into survival mode(my ex constantly was here), and it doesnt matter whether its perceived or real, its real to them. So the reason he ran was FEAR, not the many thoughts you put through your mind, or the many reason he proclaimed.

When I see him now, he looks at me with cold, dead eyes as if I was a stranger or the most hated person alive.  Several months ago, I stood 5 feet from him and he looked right through me, didn't say anything, and walked away.  I'd love to know what's going through his head at these moments.  This person who told me he loved me so often; who hugged me with such tenderness.  

Most PDs involve black and white thinking. You have to be bad (black), for this to work in his head. To view himself this way, would lead to abandonment depression (which is part of healing healthy), which to him is extinction, or death. This is how a person with a part time self copes. We see the confusing bi-products, masked behind words... .  Actions speak truth, not words... .  Trying to figure out what is going on in a disordered mind, is like trying to fit logic into crazy, it doesnt work. If you had asked him, it most likely wouldnt have made sense, or you would hear how everything was your fault, who knows... .  A better question for your healing would be "What were the feelings I had, when he was close to me? What is the true origin of this feeling?... .  This r/s just ripped off the band-aids, from your past trauma  (that time healed), it was not the origin.

No, I'm not sure when I'll fully move on, but I'm definitely trying.

I understand that moving on, means something different to all people. My definition has changed to, I understand it as growing emotionally, and learning how to truly leave my past, in the past. To let go. To be able to sit along side of my emotions, in the worst of times, so that I can see things for what they ARE, not what I thought they were, or could be.

.What is it you would like to hear?... .  PEACE

Answering this would help you see, what you need to do, or understand. You have all the answers inside of you. Its just whether or not, you want to find them... .  Sarah, Im not saying that dating is wrong. I just saw some faulty thinking, I used to have, and had a hard time accepting

... .  I wish you well, PEACE

Thanks for this.  It is a struggle.  I spent pretty much all of last year reflecting about myself, along with therapy, trying to figure out more about my own pain.  These boards have helped me in so many ways as well.  FindingMe, your responses are truly helpful. 

[FindingMe2011]

Thanks for this.  It is a struggle.  I spent pretty much all of last year reflecting about myself, along with therapy, trying to figure out more about my own pain.  These boards have helped me in so many ways as well.  FindingMe, your responses are truly helpful.


  Try viewing it as a learning experience. Taking life long habits,(our defense mechanisms) and changing them is difficult, and should be monitored consistently. We owe this to ourselves, and do need to be reminded.(this is one reason, why Im here) This is being more mentally healthy/responsible, and help with moving on.   I found my subconscious trying to steer myself, back to old ways. Why? Because even though they are unpleasant feelings, we learned to survive in them, and to some degree found comfort in them, even though it is dysfunction. Now that I understand this about myself, its not such a shock, or considered a setback. It just is, much as the same I view the illness of BPD, or my CPD.   When we see the dynamics of them, it should bring some more understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, for ourselves. Something we have looked for in others, without much success.  Try posting in the Personal Inventory Boards, this will pertain to what you want for yourself. Post here if you still quite dont understand the illness, or need to vent.  I wish you well, PEACE

[bpdspell]

Why? Because even though they are unpleasant feelings, we learned to survive in them, and to some degree found comfort in them, even though it is dysfunction. Now that I understand this about myself, its not such a shock, or considered a setback. It just is, much as the same I view the illness of BPD, or my CPD... .  When we see the dynamics of them, it should bring some more understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, for ourselves.

 

[Oneneatguy]

I ran into my ex on the weekend.  You would think I had the BPD.  I just looked at her blankly and did not engage in any conversation.  On the inside I am concerned about reengaging, getting into an argument.  The non contact works for the best.  When contact is unavoidable , I just walk away refuse to engage in any conversation.

I think this has thrown her for a loop as she is used to me engaging in conversation, using my feelings to manipulate me.  Now I am dead man walking.  I just walk by her when I see her. It's tough, but I do have to admit it is better for me.  When I engage in conversation, I always end up upset.

[Rose Tiger]

I left uBPDh 3 months ago, taking my kids with me. As it was the second time, he just sulked and waited for me to go back, being abusive and threatening, because usually before just to calm him down Iwoukd make the peace and we would have to go on like nothing had ever happened.

I spent the first month out reading and posting here, as I had only just discovered BPD as a possible diagnosis, yes after 12 years struggling to understand him.

Then it became clear I would also have to leave my job, that had been brewing for about 4 years! Almost overnight with two colleagues, we picked a name for a new law firm, and I started to design logos and put together a website. At the end of the second month I announced it to my family and my current bosses, and rented a place in a business centre. Actually it was a great distraction, a very positive move for me, my career taking off for the first time since I had kids.

He had always been very inconsistent, one day telling me how clever I was, and for years taking 50% responsibility for the house and family more than any man I know, allowing me to commute to the city to work as he works shifts and was nearer home, but the next day he would be  ranting and cursing at me because I thought I was high and mightyand better than everyone and was neglecting my family and how he was my slave and lackey, and I let him do everything at home and I didnt care about the children, and on days when he knew something important was going on at work he would try to undermine me, ignore me, cause an argument, get my attention like a baby.

My uBPDh was the last to find out, just a couple of days ago, after I had talked about it to my D11 and she went to announce it to him, before I had the chance to. When I went to collect the children after a day with him, he was lying on his bed, did not take his eyes from his laptop, yelling and screaming abuse aboutnI had abandoned him, new house, new office , new life... .  and his anger is so great he used the kids to punish me more, he said in front of them he wouldnt be picking them up from school anymore as he is not my childminder, and told my S9 to take all his new toys away with him, so my son left crying.

His abuse of the children suddenly worsening at the end was the key to pushing me to finally leave. Now its getting worse again, is he moving towards another extinction burst. ? I am scared for me and for them what he will do. I feel so bad for him I want to contact him, but I know that will mean more abuse. It hurts me for the children to be experiencing this, but after three months maybe they are starting to forgive me for leaving and understanding why I did. My priority is being strong for them, and for me (not so easy... .  )

Hi Cmjo,

This so heartbreaking.  :'(  I'm so sorry you and kids were put through that.  The forum Parenting after the Split might be helpful in dealing with this painful to all of you situation. 

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Just had some more reacting last night. My exBPDgf and I had been NC for about 5 mos, then she sent me text in essence to get me to look at FB as she had a new BF and wanted to be hurtful. So holidays came/went and she saw I had been at a surprise party for my mom (in pwBPD's city)... and sent me texts... .  nice non-specific, then why don't you meet me to talk. Been seeing a T for 6 mos, felt pretty centered, so went for it.

I have been ADHD since I was a kid, and on meds since 7, and have a hard time keeping a job without them, with them I make good money, and have few issues typically. Anyway, she contacted me about meeting her at about 5pm and my Adderall was long gone, and I thought "Not going to do it" so I texted her "No thanks", she sent back "Your loss", then "I won't ask again"... .  and with the time between texts I thought... I can handle it without meds. So drove out to see her, and instead of nice dinner, directed us to a food court to talk.

I had dumped her and been NC for months... and should have anticipated getting cross-examined, but I didn't... .  she came on strong and I was mess. Tried the mindfulness exercises a bit and realized all she was concerned with was ego related stuff... why had I done what I did in dumping her... and wasn't that throwing her under the bus when she had done nothing ever to me?  When I gave examples of some of the truly hateful things she had done... .  she replied that she never acted that way with anyone else and I brought about that behavior... .  and made her someone she wasn't, that she was the stable one and I wasn't. So I asked about when she told me she was told by a T she was unstable... and she changed the conversation to how her parents could never accept me back after what I did to her because they had been looking at having her committed over the despondency and crazy stuff she had done after I dumped her... .  and I pointed out "that is being unstable"... and she started in on me about my exwife and a cross examination to find something to rally on. Was an interesting (in bad way) evening. She started nice... then clingy, then hater and cycled through them a few times during the 90 minutes or so we were together.

She had just dumped her new BF... and jumped on me for not being interested in her feelings because she was going through a tough time had just had to dump the guy she loved and I didn't care about anything but my feelings. I pointed out that I had been in love with her for about 30 yrs or perhaps had an attachment disorder to her for that long... and I cared about most her feelings, but not for some guy she was laying with instead of me... .  and she still tried to paint me black for not helping her with her needs... .  from dumping a guy. The original dumping of her was due to her not showing up for us to move in together and start our life... and the new guy showed up a few days later on her FB.

So from what I can tell... she reacted to me moving on by losing a lot of weight, making her self look as good as possible, chasing a guy down and bedding him (and getting an STD from what I heard)... narrowly avoiding being institutionalized and re-writing history... .  as now she dumped me and I need to get on with it.

I have felt so much pain from the r/s with her, and so has she, as well as my now exwife and daughter... .  I need her 100% gone from my life, and this time seeing her I feel like I can move on... .  but that it would just take a little give and responsibility on her part and we could work... .  and I KNOW she will never do it. Makes me sad. Someone said recycling was like getting back a person from the dead, and each interaction has that kind of intensity. She did a great job of making me think maybe I have N tendencies or am even NPD when under stress... .  but I am not a malevolent person and tests didn't point to that, I think it is just being around her... .  I didn't want to get hurtful graphic details of her latest BF... and she would stick in a knife and twist with no remorse... .  and mentioning my feelings/emotions gave her ammo to call me an N.

I know I will not go in to any get together with anyone where I need my wits about me again without my meds if I can possibly do so. Was a very unpleasant evening, and I think she is off of wanting me for a bit... seeing me as the source of all her problems and weak (I cried at losing her a bit... .  it still hurts)... so who knows maybe it will finally be the end.

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I need her 100% gone from my life, and this time seeing her I feel like I can move on... .  but that it would just take a little give and responsibility on her part and we could work

What makes you think it would work?

so who knows maybe it will finally be the end.

The end of what? Her interest in you? What is your interest in her?

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I still have a strong attachment to her... been fighting it. I was married and have been in long term r/s a number of times, with no unusual issues, however with my exBPDgf... .  every encounter for some time now has been bad.

To me it seems like the issue is envy/hatred of my exwife, and jealousy. However, my exwife is my exwife, we don't do things together generally speaking, most joint activities are mutually watching our daughter do something (school/extra-curricular stuff.)  With other people the r/s took care of itself when me and the SO spent more time together, as the bonds grew deeper and we relaxed and came to trust each other. With my exBPDgf, it is the opposite, we started out well, and its gotten worse and worse. It just seems like a little less rigidity and we could be together... .  thats what it seems like... .  its not what I think is the case... I think if I moved, and did whatever she wanted to feel more secure relative to my exwife, that she would simply pick the next thing on her list to obsess and use as an issue.

I really wanted to see her, despite prior NC, as I still have feelings for her, and she had lost lots of weight and in her pictures looked really nice. I wasn't adequately prepared to see her ... .  and probably should not have, but did it anyway. After the way the evening went, her interest in me will be down for a while... .  and she is going out dancing again (her long ago source of endless guys)... so if she suceeds in getting more, which is likely, she may lose interest in me, or at least lose interest for some time. I am seeing a T and working on things and hope to find someone who is not disordered... .  and get my own life together enough to keep my temptation to be with her at bay. Good times with her were best ever, worst times, worst ever... and 5 times as much of the bad as good. Obvious I should have her out of my life... .  head makes it clear... .  heart isn't as agreeable.

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Note I said SEEMS like the issue... the content of it, is envy/jealousy of exwife. The issue is she is BPD and very disordered and has issues with being in r/s with everyone she has been with... .  and I suspect that is a lot of folks. Hard to care about someone like her and accept fully she needs to be out of your life. I don't think it will ever work... .  and I miss being with her ... .  during good times... don't miss being attacked, hurt, disrespected belittled, and manipulated.