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Author Topic: I have been made to feel like a crazy stalker. I feel sick and anxious everyday  (Read 6353 times)
maria1
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« Reply #30 on: January 16, 2013, 04:49:27 AM »

Hi Diana

I don't think anybody has been rude to you on here. I think people want you to look at YOUR behaviour. Each time you say yes yes yes I'm doing that and you immediately take it straight back to the OTHER people you have had relationships with.

The common denominator is you. That isn't meant to be harsh. Try to focus away from the exes. What did you do that was unfair on them? Anything? It can't all be their fault and the only mistake we make is ignoring the red flags.

It's hard stuff to face.

I blamed my ex for things that weren't his fault. I blamed the disorder (when I first found out about BPD) for things that weren't really to do with BPD. It was much easier doing that than realising I f***ed up the relationship too.

If your ex asked you to stop contacting her and you continued then you were actually harassing her over that 6 week period. We all do things we aren't proud of. I found it easier to move on when I could admit those things but it was horrible facing them.

My ex would go off into little emotional adventures with other women. I don't know if he slept with them but I think he probably didn't. After we split and NC and time we eventually spent some time talking. He said I used to tell him to find himself a nice local woman. I said oh no I didn't say that. He said YES YOU DID. I stopped resisting and suddenly realised OH MY GOD YES I DID.

So you see there's the disorder in him not wanting to take responsibility for stuff but why on earth would I say that to someone I loved? How would that have made him feel? What's going on inside me that would say that? Then I realised I did a similar thing in the relationship before that. I started to see the patterns. NOT IN THEM BUT IN ME.

I hope this makes some sense to you and wish you all the best with your healing

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Diana82
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« Reply #31 on: January 16, 2013, 05:43:26 AM »

Thanks Maria. Actually, unlike my ex, I am able to see my contribution to the relationship demise.

I have also stated here a few times that I am a ‘rescuer’. This is taking responsibility for me and I’m aware that this is a strong tendency of mine and most likely made me stay with my ex (victim). I also had a need to be idealised in the beginning because I had been hurt before. So it worked…then.

If you view my other threads, I have also said I have felt guilty about  ‘attacking’ my ex via text message in the break up fight. I have regretted that I didn’t confront her in a calmer manner and instead, allowed my frustrations to fester and rot and then lashed out when she snapped at me.

I did see red flags, I suspected my was could be unstable, I'd seen her brutally cut others off- and I chose to stay. Thinking that things would improve with patience.  I don't believe in just quitting relationships. I am fiercely loyal and forgiving... .  and my 'fixer' mentality makes me want to fix a relationship too.

I loved my ex. And I was never deceptive with my her. I did not treat her badly, nor did I punish her with silence and discard her like trash. I don’t have that in me and I don’t think I could actually live with myself if I treated someone like that.

And this is exactly why I am here. Because I need to come to terms with how someone who once claimed to adore me, and proclaimed her love and attachment to me 2 days earlier... then discards me as if I am nothing and barks that I harass her, when she sends me equally long messages and is equally rude.

I treated my ex well over 3 years. I was there for her in her darkest hours.

Someone... all of that has been forgotten due to an argument.

Focusing on myself is definitely good and I am seeing a therapist who specialises in BPD. Hearing other people’s stories here is certainly making me feel less isolated as well.

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Diana82
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« Reply #32 on: January 16, 2013, 05:55:25 AM »

sorry typo in above thread I meant to say *some how... .    not someone...

I also said some silly things throughout the relationship... I slipped up every now and then.

But I was not deceptive with my ex.  Nor, did I manipulate her.

My ex would misinterpret things to buggery. She had her own insecurities about me leaving her and I was growing weary of trying to prove my devotion to her.

All I wanted from her, was some consistency. To understand who she was. I could not keep up with her change of stories of her abusive past... and she'd dramatically shift her opinions and actions and never want to be pulled up or questioned over any of it. And she would bark at you if you ever tried.

The horrible irony for me is that my ex was so worried I'd abandon her she resorted to lying about herself... yet, she is the one who abandoned me in the end.



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happiness68
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« Reply #33 on: January 16, 2013, 07:20:25 AM »

BPD's abandon when they have the sense of being abandoned themselves.  My story ended just like that too.  I'm sure he thought I was going to leave him.  I had no intention of doing so.

I had to smile when I read "I also said some silly things throughout the relationship... I slipped up every now and then".  Me too Diana82 and the funny thing is I slipped up too every now and again.  He told me when were getting back together after a few weeks split that he knew that I'd "slip up" every now again and was prepared for it, but the first time I did, he lost it.  Any excuse ... .  

The abandonment thing though, it's so very sad. If only they knew how loved they were and what went through our heads as nons, it would really make life so much easier. 
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ambi
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« Reply #34 on: January 16, 2013, 07:25:55 AM »

Excerpt
I was made to feel like the one with 'issues'.

In the beginning, he and I both believed everything was my fault.  Moving forward, I thought everything was his fault and he thought everything was my fault.  And, then in the detaching phase, I thought some things were my fault and some things were his fault.  He still thinks everything is my fault.

Fault only mattered in so much as it took for me to realize that loving him or not - that r/s was very unhealthy for *both* of us.  We triggered the heck out of each other.  I had to figure out why I was attracted to him and why I was doing what I was doing because I really don't want to repeat this kind of r/s again in my life.


You listed the red flags you overlooked.  Now dig into what felt 'familiar' to you with her and the woman before her, that drew you to the r/s.  

Maria - I'm laughing at this... .  
Excerpt
After we split and NC and time we eventually spent some time talking. He said I used to tell him to find himself a nice local woman. I said oh no I didn't say that. He said YES YOU DID. I stopped resisting and suddenly realised OH MY GOD YES I DID.

I had a slight variation on the word "local" but I told mine the same thing.  And, I suspect he also took me up on that literal statement during the r/s.  I know it's not funny, but it sort of is in restrospect.

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maria1
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« Reply #35 on: January 16, 2013, 08:45:37 AM »

I wish that we could see quicker that we have an equal part in the relationship! Just because someone has BPD traits doesn't make them any more at fault actually. Why should it? It can make us feel a whole lot less responsible though and give us a nice easy out of any responsibility. I see that happening on the leaving board over and over- why did I get used, poor blameless me? Two people get what they get out of a relationship. Things are different when children are involved but if I choose to stay in a relationships where I am lied to and treated badly then I have to question why. Because choosing to stay is my responsibility.

Sometimes we aren't truthful with our SOs in relationships. Sometimes it takes one big argument for us to see the real person we've been trying to hide from ourselves. It all works both ways. BPD is an attachment disorder and if your ex is BPD she will push you away and treat you bad because she has serious attachment issues. That's it. That's your answer when it comes to her. So you can't be together because she is mentally ill. I became ill and put my own needs and my own children's need aside for my ex boyfriend. He didn't make me do that- I chose to and more fool me. I think without children I'd have ended up dead if I'd stayed in the relationship. I don't blame him for any of that. I do however blame myself, particularly because I neglected my kids needs for those of a grown man.

So I've turned to ME. My family, my history. And it isn't as pretty as I've always lead myself to believe. And I'm going to be working on me for the rest of my life. I'm grateful for my BPD relationship now because I'd never have seen all this without it. And I can remember the good times and the bad times and it doesn't cause me pain now.

Ambi- I think it's quite funny too; it's funny that I could manage to forget something I actually said in different ways many times to him. I didn't help him feel secure in any way. He often asked me to define our relationship- I always refused. He would hint at wanting more, I would withdraw. I fed into his BPD traits and he fed into my codependent and narcissistic traits. I pushed when he pulled! He pushed and I pulled!

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bk224

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« Reply #36 on: January 16, 2013, 09:11:39 AM »

Me too. I also pushed when she pulled, pulled mightily when she pushed. There were times when she wanted to talk for clarity and I didn't refuse, but couldn't get the words out clearly for fear that if I really spoke my mind, she'd leave. I had a hard time being as close as she wanted at times, but I did not want the relationship to end and was willing to work. But as I tried harder and harder to be present, I think she got scared with the closeness. I have my own issues and together we did just trigger the heck out of each other. Very sad for me and I want to put it in the past and try to be healthier. My kids need me to be healthy and I want to be present for them, not absorbed in these issues, depressed and unavailable. I feel pretty shaky right now, but am trying to rebuild my life and get more to the root of my own issues so that I choose and build much healthier relationships.
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happiness68
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« Reply #37 on: January 16, 2013, 09:23:12 AM »

You're not alone - me too - the way that bk224 describes the below - i thought I'd written it myself for a moment.  I experienced this exactly ... .    I feel crazy as I write this.  It's been nearly 3 months and I feel absolutely mad.  I cry all the time for nothing, I think about it day/night.  However bk224 is right.  We need to find a way to break the cycle.  Only we can do this for ourselves.

My situation seems to resemble your in that I also ended up feeling crazy, like I was a stalker, etc. My ex never really took responsibility for her part in any miscommunication between us. Everything was always my fault. She broke up via text, came back, broke up again via text, then ignored me for months. I tried to reestablish contact and it all got crazy again.

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Rose Tiger
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« Reply #38 on: January 16, 2013, 10:11:46 AM »

Excerpt
My staff included a ring my Mum bought me (sentimental), clothing, an appliance and my watch. The ring was the most important. But apparently she doesn't have them. Maybe I lost my ring! Maybe she lost it! Who knows.

Ok, so you are not sure if she has the ring.  The other things, I don't think you will see them.  Time to count your losses and move on.

Excerpt
Well, I had her fleece jacket, books and some of her phD files.

Do you still have these?  I suggest boxing them up and mailing it to her.  NO NOTES or anything.

You were well on the way to letting go regarding the stuff and then you saw her driving/looking happy.  Then you re-engaged.  No worries, I think we all did things like this.  You rec'd no response and you amped it up.  Sort of like extinction bursts.  It hurts to be ignored, very painful.  While I was with the ex, the hurtful things he did, they felt familiar.  My past was a  neglectful childhood, so a neglectful spouse seemed acceptable.  Do any of your feelings of hurt resonate with your childhood?

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Diana82
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« Reply #39 on: January 16, 2013, 04:59:41 PM »

happiness68>

yes this is what makes me very sad. And so frustrated at the same time.

I need to realise is that nothing I could have done would have made this woman feel secure with me.

I was unemployed for 5 months in my hometown... .  I had to move out of my apartment because I couldn't afford rent.  I was really struggling. And yet... my ex didn't want to move even an hour's plane ride away to a place where there were more jobs for me.  She cried hysterically over it and it made her "anxious" because of her separation anxiety issues with her family.  She also wanted to stay to do her phD.

I could have left her at any given moment because things got so bad for me work wise. But I loved my ex and wanted to be with her regardless. I knew there had to be a way out of the mess... and was devoted to her. I even gave her a ring. I treated her well.

But none of this seemed to prove my devotion to her.  She still wound up feeling insecure and even said I make her feel like a "liability".

She had issues long before she met me.

I think she also has some insight into this as she told me "I'm a lonely person. I was lonely before I met you".

The way I interpret this is that she is trying to tell me that she has issues and these are deeply ingrained.

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Diana82
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« Reply #40 on: January 16, 2013, 05:07:53 PM »

rose tiger>

I was very saddened to have lost this ring. My Mum bought it for me from Africa (her home country) and it was beautiful.

It is possible that I lost it...     but I used to leave my jewellery at her place all the time. I was known for it. She had a few clothes of mine, my watch and hairdryer too.

I don't actually believe she is a thief and would deliberately withold these items, however. She did return 3 books (although they were dumped on my sidewalk).

I actually think she's lost them or just doesn't have them.  But why couldn't she tell me this?

My issue is the silence. 

It was an agonising 2 months of complete silence... I had stopped trying to even reconcile and she still wouldn't even drop me a line about my things.

I've never experienced this behaviour from an adult! it's so childish. And feels like she was punishing me with abusive silence. It takes a lot of conscious effort to deliberately ignore someone for that long.

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Diana82
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« Reply #41 on: January 16, 2013, 05:17:28 PM »

Hi again rose tiger>

No, actually I didn't have an unhappy or troubled childhood. The only issue I had was being gay and realising I could be a bit different early on.

I don't carry any resent to my parents... I don't have shame...

I'll be honest... I actually think a big reason I stayed with both women is because I fear I won't find someone I will have that "connection" with again.

In the gay community in my town, the selection of women is very average. And I do have a certain type. I like feminine and intelligent women.

I kept thinking... .  ok, this woman (my first ex)  has lied about her sexual history and is insecure... .  but she is beautiful, intelligent, loves me and we get on like a house on fire. What IF I don't find a woman like this again?      

My time is running out... .  maybe we can work it out and I can move past her issues. And because I have such a fixer mentality... this has also made me feel good to "help them" through their issues.

Same with my recent ex... .  it was obvious we were not even wanting the same things. She didn't really romance me... she changed her stories on me... I suspected she could be deceptive and a bit unstable.

But she was amazing in other ways and I loved her. I guess I have been conflicted with both women.

The other thing is... .  I've had a battle with head and heart

My head told me with my recent ex -  this woman is not sacrificing for YOU. She has baggage... yet she projects on to you that you have baggage. She seems unstable and weirdly attached to her family. She could be lying about her abusive history

But my heart told me-  I love her... .  I can't leave her.

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elemental
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« Reply #42 on: January 16, 2013, 06:04:14 PM »

You are giving her control by chasing her.

You have seen what she does with it.

Take it away from her by disengaging. You will feel better. Give it a week and see how much better you do feel.

In terms of her, if you truely feel you have unfinished business, then now is not the time to finish it. She won't let you because she has all the power.

Step away, set it aside for now. Recover and heal. Your chance will come. Do you want her to still have the power and jerk you around and make you feel crazy?

Probably not. Diana, let go for now.
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« Reply #43 on: January 16, 2013, 06:35:49 PM »

In your own words Diana82 this is the crux of your problem:

The other thing is... .  I've had a battle with head and heart

"My head told me with my recent ex -  this woman is not sacrificing for YOU. She has baggage... yet she projects on to you that you have baggage. She seems unstable and weirdly attached to her family. She could be lying about her abusive history

But my heart told me-  I love her... .  I can't leave her."

Stop asking us the same questions over and over looking for a different result... it cannot happen this way IF she suffers from BPD which is a serious mental illness... .  They have issues with engulfment and abandonment ok? You triggered her in some way EXACTLY like I did mine and others on here triggered theirs... Since you triggered her core issues then pointed out problems with her that is not what she heard... Possibly what she heard since many pwBPD suffer from trmendous amounts of shame what got through is that you felt like she was in some way defective or less than... This is in and of itself a no/no when dealing with the hypersensitive pwBPD... They cant handle these strong feelings so the do something called "splitting" and you are painted as black as night. At this point IT NEVER works to go running after them... never.

When you go searching for answers from a pwBPD when you are split black it further reinforces they were right to go 100% silent on you because you are indeed absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt if not being stalkerish most assuredly seemingly desperate. Which again I ask why is that Diana82? Turn the questions you ask of her behaviors towards yourself in therapy and here... .  ie Why would I allow this woman or any woman who in your own words never valued you enough to sacrifice for you? Answer that. That type of question directed at you will uncover the answers you seek about her and any others who may have had these same traits in your past... .  

I wish you the best.

Redfeather
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Suzn
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« Reply #44 on: January 16, 2013, 07:35:10 PM »

Suzn> what kinds of things did your ex say about you?

Has anyone else here been called a "harasser"?


My ex told people I physically abused her and her children. That never happened, but people sure did believe it. She also told people I stalked her, saying I was driving by her home or calling and texting her. That never happened either. In fact, I had changed my number and didn't want her to have my number. I had kept clear of her and her friends.

I need to realise is that nothing I could have done would have made this woman feel secure with me.

She had issues long before she met me.

These are true statements and you are absolutely right.

I loved my ex. And I was never deceptive with my her. I did not treat her badly, nor did I punish her with silence and discard her like trash. I don’t have that in me and I don’t think I could actually live with myself if I treated someone like that.

There was no reciprocity right? In healthy relationships there is reciprocity. This was not a healthy relationship was it?

I have also stated here a few times that I am a ‘rescuer’. This is taking responsibility for me and I’m aware that this is a strong tendency of mine and most likely made me stay with my ex (victim). I also had a need to be idealised in the beginning because I had been hurt before. So it worked…then.

So, it worked "then", how do you plan to make sure this doesn't happen again? Because, and let's slow down a bit, there's a pattern here Diana. (we all have behavior patterns, yours sounds a lot like mine) The woman you were with before this one didn't treat you well either. You were idolized, it felt good since you had been hurt prior so you stayed. Have there been other relationships where this dynamic was present?   Think back.

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“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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« Reply #45 on: January 16, 2013, 07:56:11 PM »

Hi Diana

As over-functioning people, we nons (perhaps Codependent) DO fill a void for them. They are victims / waifs / passives at the start and call out for guidance or leadership. We confuse need for love and offer up our whole world for the taking.

But one of the down sides of being over-functioning is our integrity and the pride we take in our reputation and generosity. When our name is soiled, it affects us enormously.

On this board, there is an article about the 10 things that keep us stuck. For me, the big one was the need to create decency. I think you are stuck in this too.

The more I read your posts, the more gob-smacked I am at how similar our stories are. Identical.

I can still have days when my default thought is my ex and this over-whelming urge to make contact and get an explanation for how someone could discard me with the silent treatment and never, ever attempt to recycle or communicate in 14 months! But mine also never said he was in love with me. I had to cajole anything nearing a compliment out of him.

The key to happiness is letting go of the need for these answers. It lies in acceptance... .  of what she is; what you are; what the current truth is (it's over... .  and they will not give you decency)

By the time these r/s reach their confusing, grisly end we have become a trigger for some disgusting behaviour. We will forever remain that trigger. Any approach from you will only result in appalling and nasty stuff back from her. You need to know this at a deep level and try to stop pining for ongoing contact.

I realised that the pull I feel (on the emotional and not cerebral level) was not actually for my ex, but for my own damaged inner child. He became a symbol, a deity, for my broken self and I lavished him with the guidance and treatment I would have loved as a kid. My chaotic and invalidating childhood meant I validated, over-gave, over-cared in all of my love r/ships. And borderlines are a bottomless pit... .  a perfect vehicle for our boundaryless kind of love.

Forget her and the dream of that perfect chat. Read all you can on codependency, and the damaged part of you that wanted (and despite appalling treatment, may still want) a person like that to make a life with!

BB12

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happiness68
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« Reply #46 on: January 17, 2013, 01:24:21 AM »

I agree with a lot of what you say here bb12, in particular the section below.  We feel so hurt when they speak bad of us, the thought that they can't see how loved they are and why on earth would they paint us black.  Perhaps the key to happiness is in fact letting go and accepting that we can't understand them and never will.  I think this could be my problem.  Where I like to try to understand everything, what I don't realise is that I'm just hurting myself in the process.  The same for many of you other nons I suppose.

We confuse need for love and offer up our whole world for the taking.

But one of the down sides of being over-functioning is our integrity and the pride we take in our reputation and generosity. When our name is soiled, it affects us enormously.

The key to happiness is letting go of the need for these answers. It lies in acceptance... .  of what she is; what you are; what the current truth is (it's over... .  and they will not give you decency)

BB12

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Diana82
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« Reply #47 on: January 17, 2013, 02:25:43 AM »

Elemental>

RE: you are giving her control by chasing her.

You have seen what she does with it.  Take it away from her by disengaging. You will feel better. Give it a week and see how much better you do feel.


... .  I haven't contacted my ex for 3 months. I went completely NC on her (after her friend abused me on the phone and told me to leave her alone and that I would never get closure from her).

Quite frankly, I am scared she will get a RO against me if I ever try to even contact her- even if it's about my things. I will never get that stuff back... she will never contact me... because I've been wiped off and painted black- this I understand.

But I do keep wondering, how can she not think about me? It's beem 5 months and she hasn't even tried to make peace.  Even my sister's ex (who dumped her) wished her happy birthday and merry Xmas. They aren't friends but they are civil.

What if I run into her? (she lives very close). Surprisingly I haven't run into her once and she even shopped in the same supermarket I did. But I am always on the look out that she may be there... and will she ignore me then? Will she even say hello given she changed her number?  doubtful.

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Diana82
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« Reply #48 on: January 17, 2013, 02:34:35 AM »

red feather>

RE: At this point IT NEVER works to go running after them... never.


Why is this? Why is asking for more explanation or even reaching out to apologise to them so threatening?  Do you know what goes on in their heads when they 'paint you black' and go silent?  Are they overwhelmed with anger towards you?

My friend's boyfriend betrayed her trust by meeting up with an ex without telling her.  So my friend dumped him straight away and told him to 'get out'.

And he rang her a week after she dumped him and wanted to apologise and talk. She answered the phone- even though she was pissed at him. She allowed him to apologise and she chatted to him more about why she couldn't be with him now.  It didn't change her decision- but she talked to him more about it because they had been together for so long.

I don't necessarily think an ex 'owes' us anything. But I don't think I was out of line when I asked my ex for more of an explanation as to why she hastily dumped me and refused to work on our relationship.

My ex's behaviour lead me to google... .  and google lead me to BPD...

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Diana82
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« Reply #49 on: January 17, 2013, 02:38:37 AM »

Suzn> did you ever feel a strong desire to expose your exBPD? To make sure people know about her crazy abuse stories?

I feel like nobody else knows how dark this woman is. They're all out of the loop... they all think she is a poor victim who is unlucky in love.

Her family... her friends... her networks... .  (and she has hundreds).

They have no idea how nasty and deceptive she is. And I am the poor sod who found out because I got intimate with her. How lucky 

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« Reply #50 on: January 17, 2013, 02:40:03 AM »

I have posted on this before, but I will agree that the hateful smears are very painful when I have behaved in a manner that is quite the opposite for the entirety of the relationship. I will not abandon behaving decently and unselfishly toward others simply because I was badly burned by a person with BPD. If I become the selfish, uncaring jerk that she is making me out to be, then she wins yet again and our son and I lose in a big way.

There is another perspective on what often gets improperly labeled as codependency. In the circles of my peers, it is called altruism--doing good, kind, decent things for other people just for the sake of doing them and not expecting anything in return.

The thing that is hardest to remember is that many times other people are incapable of even basic human decency, and will take an act of kindness as a sign of weakness and attack or try to take advantage of the person who does the good deed.

I think BPD is more than just an emotional disregulation disorder, it is a type of soul-sickness that consumes and destroys other people just for the satifaction of the sufferer.
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Diana82
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« Reply #51 on: January 17, 2013, 02:43:02 AM »

Hi again suzn

You ask a good question... .  

Indeed... why did I stay with someone who wasn't sacrificing for me? Why did I stay with someone who seemed unstable and deceptive?

The reason is I felt she had two personalities at the end...

I got to know someone very different in the second half the relationship. And only a couple of months before the break up, I realised the extent of her issues... her troubles with depression... her loneliness/emptiness... .  her separation anxiety issues... .  her inconsistencies... .  that she wasn't really giving me much in return for my commitment.

it's as if she changed when things got deeper for us. I had invested so much by the time she started to reveal her dark side to me

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« Reply #52 on: January 17, 2013, 04:05:01 AM »

Diana82 - I ask myself the questions below from your post.  Why is that?  I can't understand it.  Is it some form of cowardice?

red feather>

RE: At this point IT NEVER works to go running after them... never.


Why is this? Why is asking for more explanation or even reaching out to apologise to them so threatening?  Do you know what goes on in their heads when they 'paint you black' and go silent?  Are they overwhelmed with anger towards you?

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Diana82
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« Reply #53 on: January 17, 2013, 04:55:44 AM »

bentnotbroken>  interesting...

I am learning more about codependency.  Funnily enough, my ex had a huge poster in her bedroom saying "codependency"  when we met.

I often wondered what that was... but she soon took it down. But I still wonder why she had that up there   
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Diana82
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« Reply #54 on: January 17, 2013, 04:59:58 AM »

hi happiness

It must be.  I know my ex is weak.

She dealt with issues by cutting people out of her life and going silent on them. That's not a sign of strength... it's weakness to me. And quite frankly emotionally abusive.

She must think that wiping people off, means you're dealing with the issue. But I know that my ex still had baggage and thought about those people she wiped off.

She didn't forgive anyone and was bitter about things that happened years ago.

She got her flat mate friend to call me up and tell me she "doesn't have my stuff"  instead of actually having the balls to respond to my many requests herself.


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« Reply #55 on: January 17, 2013, 05:17:15 AM »

I ignored the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .  The reason being I thought maybe it was me who was wrong/mad/whatever it was.  I didn't even mention them to anyone.  I think it's to do with some kind of low self-esteem where we think we are at fault and that's why we ignore the  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) .  Plus of course, we really do want things to work out  :'(
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Diana82
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« Reply #56 on: January 17, 2013, 06:34:09 AM »

that's true... .  

I think the red flags became very apparent towards the end. And I was conflicted.

I think my ex sensed I was  conflicted and when I told her she was too inconsistent, deceptive etc... .  I think she freaked out again and thought I would reject her and leave. Just like she did when we argued the previous time.

She viewed any argument as potentially leading to her being abandoned. 

Hence why she hastily dumped me... .  I think...

I view arguments as part of a relationship... I don't feel threatened in the same way she did.
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happiness68
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« Reply #57 on: January 17, 2013, 07:06:37 AM »

Yes, we grow in a couple with arguments.  We learn. 

From what you've said I agree she left because she thought you were going to leave her.  I think my ex did that too. 

When we split for a few weeks in July I know in hindsight it was because we'd just been on holiday and before the holiday I told him that I was going to be having a serious think about us while we were away.  We went to a surprise weekend holiday for my Dad's birthday (surprise to my Dad) and my ex proceeded to get drunk and behave like a complete idiot.  Everyone there was Dad's age, part from me, him, my brother and his gf.  I remember when we left the party he was saying to everyone I'll say goodbye because I don't think I'll be seeing you again and everyone telling him not to be silly.  3 days after we got back he left me.  That was the first biggie.  The next one was this last one.  Again we'd just had a holiday - a lovely holiday I might add where we were trying to get ourselves back together and I'd put all the changes in place I'd promised to make (this was our 2nd holiday of us getting back together as I'd taken him on one for his birthday too in August - same place funnily enough).  This time we had one argument, just one, not big, but I was so angry because he kept picking on me.  The last straw because he got angry that I wouldn't put aftersun on his back before we went out to dinner, but having taken over an hour to get ready and being fully ready myself, I didn't see why I couldn't do it when we got back.  Anyway, that's the not the point here.  When we got home after this great holiday, we had a week of normal and the following Saturday a great day out (where he bought himself a phone costing £500 that he couldn't afford because of other debt! - I didn't mention anything though as it's his life/his money) and then boom out of the blue he started an argument over something so very small (to do with the internet) and with that it was all over after a 3 hour lecture.  Once again, in hindsight, I feel that he thought I was going to leave him, as when we argued on holiday, I told him I didn't want to ruin the holiday and just for us to enjoy it and deal with this when we got back.  He probably thought I was thinking of ending it.

The saddest part of all of this is that I never EVER had any intention of ending it.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.
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Diana82
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« Reply #58 on: January 17, 2013, 07:25:16 AM »

that is sad 

You have to ask yourself I guess... do you want to spend your life CONVINCING someone you love them and won't leave them?  Trying to always reassure them that you are trustworthy. How exhausting. I think it wore me down.

It grained on me... and I thought, if I do leave this will prove her point? :s

It's ironic because when I was pleading with me ex to talk things over when she dumped me... .  she said "Why do YOU want to be with me now? How will you ever trust me again?"



QUE?

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Diana82
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« Reply #59 on: January 17, 2013, 07:29:33 AM »

it felt like she was trying to push me far away... .  

by saying "how can u trust me again?" and asking why I would want to be with her now. 

almost like she had an awareness that dumping me hastily over an argument was not a nice thing to do to me.

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