Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 02:15:47 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Beware of Junk Psychology... Just because it's on the Internet doesn't mean it's true. Not all blogs and online "life coaches" are reliable, accurate, or healthy for you. Remember, there is no oversight, no competency testing, no registration, and no accountability for many sites - it is up to you to qualify the resource. Learn how to navigate this complicated arena...
115
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: I have been made to feel like a crazy stalker. I feel sick and anxious everyday  (Read 6363 times)
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« on: January 14, 2013, 05:45:04 PM »

Hi all

I've been trying to move forwards but every day I wake up feeling sick in the stomach.

And the reason is because my exBPDgf (same sex relationship) has made me feel like a crazy stalker in every possible way. I feel utterly humiliated. And it seems to be getting worse.

My ex dumped me 5 months ago... .  but it's been a long painful 5 months of manipulative silence.  We'd been together for 3 years in a loving relationship. But she dumped me over me telling her she's too inconsistent and defensive and we ended up having a text fight too (she equally participated). 

She is a huge drama queen and was always prone to playing the victim (possible HPD too) . In any argument we had, she'd start sobbing and saying her "heart is pounding"  or she'd have a panic attack.

After dumping me, she told me I 'burnt her" and "to leave her alone".

She had always told me every woman she had dated or had a r/ship with had either abused/harassed or stalked her in some way. She seemed to like to garner sympathy and had this heightened sense of abuse. It was very strange. But I started to catch on that her stories didn't add up... which lead me the break up fight.

She then told me my texts (in the argument) were a form of 'harassment' and then told me that 'every day she has to hide her phone in her handbag because she doesn't know what's coming from (me)!"  which was completely exaggerated.  I only ever sent her sweet messages 

After dumping me... I tried to reconcile with her... .  tried calling her a few times... sent her handwritten apologetic letter in her letterbox (which was stupid on reflection).  She completely ignored me... as if I was invisible.

And she ended up changing her number!  It was a very drastic measure which I still find insulting.  Then she blocked me on Facebook.

I let things be for 1 month and then politely asked her to return my things which I left at her house.  She was completely silent... .  still.

I wasn't even asking to reconcile anymore and she was still silent.  Then one night, she dumped three books of mine on the sidewalk by my house. No note or anything.  It was so cold. I had even asked her what I should do with her things she left at my place and she wouldn't respond.

The thing is... she didn't drop off all my things. So I then had to write to her again to request her to drop off the rest of it  (jewellery, clothing etc).

Silence. 1.5 months rolled by and I heard nothing from her.

I was going to forget about my stuff... but then I saw my ex driving around happily in her car (she lives near me). And I was furious. It just reminded me of the fact that she was completely ignoring me and wasn't returning what was rightfully mine.

I decided to send her another email saying that I have waited 1.5 months for my things and it's now unacceptable. She ignored it- but I could tell she had read it!

I called the police to ask for advice. I also said that my ex changed her number and I was worried she may even go as far as get a RO against me! They advised me that it's actually theft if my ex is deliberately witholding my stuff and that I have every right to go to her apartment to ring her bell, if she keeps ignoring me.

So I went to her apartment one day... buzzed on her buzzer... .  no reply. But her car was in her drive way! So I then had to leave a note on her car and ask again to please return my things this week. By this point, I felt like a real stalker.

What do you know?  She ignores me.

So I should have let it go... but I was already this far and wanted my stuff back on principle.

So I messaged her flat mate/best friend on Facebook saying  "Hi there. I'm sorry to bother you about this but I came by your apartment to collect my things and nobody was home. Is there  a better time to come and collect my things? or would you mind assisting with a swap of items? Thanks"

He calls me up very agitated and tells me my ex "doesn't have my stuff". And then he goes "Oh... she does have a hair dryer! I can drop it off to you"

And I'm thinking... .  I don't care about the hair dryer... I wanted my ring and my clothes. I wasn't getting through to him. And the call ended.

I then texted him saying  "Can you please ask my ex to give me a quick call so I can explain what it is I left at her house and where? I just want to sort this out... and if she doesn't have my things, she should have the decency to tell me she has lost them"

He calls me furious and says "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS! She wants you OUT OF HER LIFE. OUT!  She doesn't want anything to do with you! You have tried contacting her non stop for months! it's UNACCEPtABLE! IT'S BIZARRE!"

I couldn't get a word in but eventually I said  "Hang on... I contacted her to retrieve my things? She has ignored me for months. That is unacceptable!"

He talked over me and said  "You won't stop contacting her! you need to MOVE ON.  You will NEVER get closure from her!  Do not contact her again! Do not contact her family!"

:'(

And he hung up.  What a crazy!

So I have not contacted my ex for 3 months. Completely gone NC. Quite frankly, I am freaked out after that conversation. My ex must have spoken very badly of me and not even told her best friend that I was trying to get my things back for months. I can see that she deliberately ignored me for months and she knew that I would then keep contacting her so she could prove I was "harassing" her.

Since all this, I heard through one mutual friend that my ex said I was a crazy "harasser".  Other mutual friends have gone very quiet on me.

Also, I went on two dates with women since and mysteriously they have stopped contacting me all together for no reason. And my ex is on the same dating site as me.

The gay community is so tight knit and small in my hometown, that I feel my ex has is capable of ruining my credibility (sounds like she is already trying to).

This is a woman who has smeared all of her exes... and even lied about one woman stalking her, another trying to rape her etc. It's truly sick.

I feel like she is dangerous and capable of a lot of smearing.  My friends advise me to "move on"  and that they know I am honest and she's unstable.

But how do I get over feeling so sick over this? I've never been made to feel like a crazy or a stalker or anything such in my life. I'm just waiting for the day when someone asks me "is it TRUE you abused her?"



Logged
Cardinals in Flight
formerly NurseRatchet
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 652



« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2013, 06:48:09 PM »

Hi Diana

I've read most of your posts and can see how upset and anxious you are over the breakup with your g/f. I'm so sorry for how you have been feeling and that you are still so devestated.

I also can relate to the small town/clique type thing as I too am lesbian and know how "small" the community can seem.  Everyone has dated everyone else AND their exes, right? I get that.

After having been "victim" to this kind of drama, the best defense of myself was to step back, stay out of the community for a time, even if it meant going places alone, and doing things I'd normally do with friends, I'd do them alone.  Eventually, these kind of smear campaigns are usually seen for what they are by the intelligent women in the group, baseless sour grapes by the X!

It all felt rather grade-school(ish) to me at the time, *shivers*

I think your friends gave you great advice about moving on, it really is the ONLY way to get on with the actual living of life.  Maybe you could think of it this way?... .  why in the world would you let this person who hurt you so badly take any more precious time away from you?  Yes, I understand she has your material possessions, but unless there are diamonds and rubies, isn't your freedom from the emotional turmoil that keeps churning inside of you more important?

I know you want answers to your questions, honestly? I did too, but? one of the things about a break-up with a pwBPD, is that we rarely if ever get answers to the why, therefore, we need to accept the no answers at some point.  I know you are not there yet, but in order to get off this merry-go-round of analysis, please begin to consider that in all probability there are no answers.  Only hypothesis, only the experience of others, everyone being unique with different factors affecting the various individual situations.

Don't you want to be free to breathe in and out without thinking of her? I'm afraid her bitterness/illness is infecting you to the point that you are unable to move forward.   I can hear in all of your posts how blindsided you were, we ALL were here on this site!  BPD has entered our lives without our permission, and we have to figure out how to live with the knowledge, and move forward taking all that we know into our future relationships.

I wish for you the ability to wake up and not think of her, to find your joy in the fact that you are alive and away from her drama, free from being afraid to be the awesome person you were destined to be!

Big hugs

CiF
Logged
elemental
aka "zencat"
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 789


« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2013, 07:10:30 PM »

What are your things worth to you?

Are they worth keeping you stuck, trying to re-engage, being called a stalker, the aggrivation of it frustrating you and making you feel like you are being screwed about?

Pretty soon this becomes self fulfilling.

It's been months. Grieve as you need to. Detach from these physical objects right now. It's giving you validation in your mind to go chasing after. It's giving you a reason to keep calling, emailing, going over to her place.

Stop. Let go of this hook.

I don't know the monetary value of your ring and clothing. It would have to be worth a fortune for you to continue trying to retrieve them under the conditions you are struggling with.

Let go of it so you can do the most important thing here: heal.


Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2013, 07:26:41 PM »

Thanks guys, but were you smeared in a similar way and almost manipulated into contacting your ex to either retrieve your stuff/apologise only to be met with cold silence?

And anyone here then branded as a 'harasser'?

I gave up on my stuff after her friend abused me on the phone. I was utterly freaked out! I have never known such hostility.

My staff included a ring my Mum bought me (sentimental), clothing, an appliance and my watch. The ring was the most important. But apparently she doesn't have them. Maybe I lost my ring! Maybe she lost it! Who knows.

But the thing is, she didn't have the decency to tell me this herself. Would it have been so hard to drop me a one liner?  After being together for so long it's normal to do an exchange of stuff. She knew I was contacting her for 1.5 months and she deliberately ignored me... knowing full well this would infuriate me.

I guess it is all consistent... she is silent when I apologise... changes her number ... .  so why would she then reply about my stuff?

Logged
Elsegundo
Formerly Elsee
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 111



« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2013, 07:27:16 PM »

Diana: I'm sorry you're so hurt right now.  I truly feel for you.

I'm going to say something worth thinking about: It's entirely possible that the person you knew will never speak to you again.  

If she does, she may only show disdain for you.  

She may never calmly sit with you in a room, or hear what you have to say.  It just may not ever happen.  No matter what.

That's what the disorder can do.  It's the hardest part to accept, I think.


Logged

Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2013, 07:44:06 PM »

Yes... this person is not the woman I thought I was with for 3 years.

Even my family are stunned at how cold she is.

It's funny that my ex claimed I "burnt her" and that I am apparently "in the top list of people who have hurt her" (which includes a potential rapist ex, her childhood bullies and a stalker).

Yet she has inflicted such pain on me ...

She dumped me over a fight. Yet is acting like the victim who had been burned by a crazy woman!

Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2013, 07:59:02 PM »

Elemental> I should have forgotten about my stuff all together.

I could have avoided the pain and anguish of being further ignored.

I could have avoided being abused on the phone by her friend.

But, it's normal (to me) to be able to contact an ex to request they return your things. Particularly if you've been together for a lengthy time. Do you agree?

What isn't normal is her hostility, dumping a quarter of my stuff on my sidewalk in the night, and not revealing what happened to my other stuff. And then getting her  friend to bark at me for contacting her.

She is so nasty. Our fight was me being very direct and saying she is too inconsistent and possibly deceptive.

But I did nothing to warrant such hostility and nastiness.

I may understand this behaviour  if I cheated on her.

The bad thing is- I even believed she was a "victim" all through our relationship. I believed all her exes were crazy abusive women. She has such conviction and sincerity and it's only cos her stories didn't add up that I started to doubt her.

So there's likely to be a huge pool of people out there (she has loads of gay and straight contacts) whom have been told about my "harassing" ways

Logged
elemental
aka "zencat"
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 789


« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2013, 08:09:48 PM »

Yes, I was smeared.

Like a bug on a windshield.

At numerous points during my life. I can't decide if how my ex husband chose to handle our divorce on his side is worse than what I had to come to terms with due to my BPDbf trying to smooth things over with HIS ex by hiding me, saying I am so crap, etc.

What I did with ex husband was hold my head up and ignore him and all the people he sucked into things. I was accused of abusing my son, physically, emotionally, sexually. People were shouting at me in the grocery store. I lost my business, my reputation, my credit score, and my feeling of being safe in this world.

I did win custody of my son because I knew then what battles were worth fighting. To he** with that woman who shouted at me. I have a grown up son in college who is thriving and smart and all the things I could have wished for.

I know what it is like.

Turn your back on this woman and expend your effort towards healing yourself. Because all those people she is lying to you about? They don't matter like YOU matter.

Logged
seeking balance
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 7147



« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2013, 09:00:45 PM »

Honestly Diana - if somoene came to these boards and posted YOUR part of the story as their ex... .  we would all say "run".

We have all been painted black, we have all lost friends, we have all had to rebuild.

At 200+ posts, you are in the exact same space - have you thought about what you are looking for from this forum?

I know you feel like this is unfair or you just need someone to understand - we do.

Do you just want to vent or do you want to actively move past this?  Again, go back and read all of your posts... .  you are in the same stuck place - do you think maybe it is time to think about getting professional help?  Most of us here have gone to therapy - it helps.
Logged

Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
HowPredictable
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 241


« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2013, 09:31:46 PM »

But, it's normal (to me) to be able to contact an ex to request they return your things. Particularly if you've been together for a lengthy time. Do you agree?

It doesn't matter whether we agree, disagree, or sit on the fence.   It doesn't matter whether we all add our collective support to your sense of indignation.   Because relationships with pwBPD are not "normal".   By definition, these people have disordered thought processes, and therefore disordered behaviour.

In short:  You are expecting normal behavior from someone who is not capable of it.  

And I say this as someone who has been where you are:   At some point we have to come to grips with the fact that it is perhaps our own control issues that is keeping us mired in a situation where we are trying to influence the behaviour of someone who is not playing by our rules, or by the rules of what we consider "normal".   This need for control is something you have to confront within yourself.    

But I did nothing to warrant such hostility and nastiness.

I may understand this behaviour  if I cheated on her.

Again -- and with all due consideration of your feelings -- I know it matters to YOU that you didn't deserve her treatment.  But it simply doesn't matter to the disorder.  And the disorder calls all the shots.

I will add my voice to that of Seeking Balance, at some point you may consider the possibility that you are stagnating in your own healing.  To put it bluntly, Diana82:  You are stuck trying to re-write  the past, and fix the unfixable.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2013, 10:20:35 PM »

Thank you all for your posts.

Yes, I am considering seeing a Therapist next week who actually did a thesis in BPD. She may be able to help me through this too...

I guess I just want to hear how others have dealt with being called a "harasser" and waking up every morning and it's THERE.  I wish I had amnesia... so I can forget I ever met this woman. 

My head knows I'm a good person and I did not "harass" her (even though I did contact her a lot).  But, my heart feels crushed over being lumped with this label

I know it's all hogwash. But it still sickens me that her family think of me this way. These people who treated me like family... .  and her friends think this... .  and her networks... and possibly mutual friends.

Yes, I can walk away. Yes, I can turn my back on her.

But what do I do- the day I hear she has said I abused her?  It's highly likely.  This woman has lied about almost being raped... .  and lied about a mutual friend stalking her (when she never did such).

But my ex isn't stupid enough to ever go to the cops and make an actual accusation. She' also a trained lawyer so she would know about slander.

But she seems to get away with saying this stuff about people anyway! this mutual friend's credibility has been questioned a lot in the community too... since my ex branded her a crazy nut stalker
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2013, 10:21:53 PM »

seeking balance> that was a little rude.
Logged
redfeather
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 403


« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2013, 11:10:09 PM »

Diana82,

I think what everyone is trying to say is quite true... you cannot fix crazy! Logic does not work in the face of mental illness, never has never will. You can stand figuratively at her door asking to be given answers and your belongings but she is not ready willing or able to give you that and you are playing right into her hand.

My ex's actions at the end of our relationship closely mirror your own experience ie... .  she left without saying goodbye. I called her once not begging but to wish her well and then GOT AWAY from her as fast as my legs would run. By running away and quitting to try and figure her out I saved myself a ton of heartache. I knew from past involvement there is ONLY one way to get over a BPD and that is to RUN and go No Contact period end of story. After running for your life in  the other direction then try answering the following ( being fearless and thorough in the process):

1) Why would you let someone who purportedly loved you treat you so bad ?

2) How can you restore your self esteem/worth without obtaining answers from her? She is gone btw in true BPD fashion.

3) Your internal emotional construct encourages you to "rescue" others why is that?

4) what can you do daily to stop ruminating over this clearly troubled woman? She left she is gone and for now she isnt coming back.

Also seeking balance gives very good advice and he is correct you are indeed stuck and we are trying to help get the FOCUS onto you NOT her... .  She is gone.

regards,

Redfeather  
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2013, 11:40:15 PM »

thanks red feather... Smiling (click to insert in post)

I know I need to focus on me.

But how did you find our your ex is a BPD?  or are you assuming?   

I have thought my ex was either a bipolar or BPD. But she could just be a nasty b*tch from hell.  Maybe it's all speculation

I do want to know how best to pick the signs early on with these disorders/mental illnesses. How to see through manipulation and lies early on... (I have a delayed reaction).

Unfortunately, I have dated two crazys in a row. One woman who suffered depression and was a pathological liar... followed by this recent woman who could be bipolar or BPD who exaggerated abuse stories. 

Not a good run :s

I'm rather disturbed and most likely troubled myself now... .  since being with these two women in a row.  For some reason I haven't caught on to their lying and instabilities until far deep into the relationship... .  when I'm in love and have a lot to lose.

Hence why when I found out my recent ex's stories didn't add up and started to suspect she may be prone to playing the victim or even unstable- I was so conflicted about whether or not to leave or stay. I loved her a lot... .  but could clearly see the issues were there. 

For some reason both women have chosen to lie to me... .  deep into the relationship.

Both women have feared abandonment and have lied. Yet both women abandoned me in the end.
Logged
BentNotBroken
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 447


« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2013, 01:05:12 AM »

That sounds like an excellent place to start with the therapist. If the goal is to have healthier relationships in the future, we need to root out the problems in ourselves that "blinded us" to the flaws of the other.

I know I wanted to make up for the bad relationships in my past that were largely my fault. Each time a red flag popped up I would acknowledge it, but I would minimize it as something that would later be fixed, or that I was not going to bail on her, because she had suffered such horrific circumstances. I need to pay closer attention and set boundaries that I don't bend on. Even if it means that I will be alone for a very long time.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2013, 05:50:07 AM »

what were some of the red flags?
Logged
BentNotBroken
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 447


« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2013, 06:24:47 AM »

This was with my BPDex: 1.Oversharing--too much too soon. I knew about her "victimhood" within the 1st two weeks I had known her. Abusive, violent alcoholic ex husband & father--it turns out neither one was.

2. Too intimate physically too soon. She ratcheted up the pressure to get me alone very early in the RS.

3. Substance abuse issues. Nuff said

Etc.

There is a good thread on this--search for "what were the red flags"
Logged
refuge
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 145


« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2013, 07:28:38 AM »

yea I feel your pain,I was painted triple black

they really do become afraid of you ,and they really do mean everything they say!... .  im reminded of the line by "Alice" in the looking glass- as she says the queen mother "It's a poor sort of memory that works backwards"

the good news is most of the people who have been in her life for any amount of time probably see the same dynamic you do... .  they can only get away with it so many times ... .  
Logged
ambi
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 429



« Reply #18 on: January 15, 2013, 07:47:32 AM »

Excerpt
since being with these two women in a row.  For some reason I haven't caught on to their lying and instabilities until far deep into the relationship... .  when I'm in love and have a lot to lose.



I spent a lot of time trying to understand my pwBPD - why did he do this, did he mean that, how could he... .     It didn't matter what he was thinking or feeling or why he was doing that to me.  The only thing I could change was my response to him.  And, that meant I had to dig into what button it pushed in me.  I think you're going to have to shift the focus from why she does what she does, to what button it pushes in you.   

So, Diana82, why do you think you were attracted to these two women and overlooked  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) until you were too emotionally involved to feel you could react?  Can you look back at the r/s and see  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) that you overlooked? 
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #19 on: January 15, 2013, 07:05:28 PM »



I am starting to work through why I decided to miss the red flags when I knew they were there.

And I believe it's because my recent exBPDgf was a bit of a rebound for me,  to be honest.

I had just been through an awful break up with the previous woman. We had broken up a year earlier (because of her lying) and then got back together... only to find that she had basically gone for two job interviews for an overseas job without telling me. And she announced randomly that she has landed a job overseas and she ended up going. So she betrayed my trust again.

It was a bad end.  But what helped me quickly move on was that I thought I could do much better than that lying piece of crap.    So I ended up going on a date a month later with this girl (the exBPD) and we hit it off straight away.

What I liked about my exBPD was that she was so open. No showing off about her wonderful sexual history.

She didn't seem to have any bravado about her. My other ex lied about her sexual history to "appeal" to me. She'd make up sex acts she did with men (go figure) to sound adventurous.  And when I met this woman (my exBPD), she was honest up front and said "Nope, never been with a man- never wanted to"  and then told me she hadn't had many girlfriends but was just looking for someone compatible.

Over the next few weeks of dating though, she opened up even more.

But the talk turned to trash talking. She couldn't say one nice thing about her exes. 

She started to tell me how her first ex was 'frigid' and they hadn't had sex for 6 months. Apparently they had to go to couples counselling but that didn't help and my ex said by the end she was "climbing the walls".  She then said this ex was unattractive.  She also told me that I was the "first woman she had had an orgasm with" and added  "that should give you an ego boost!"

I often wondered how she could stay with someone who didn't find her attractive and didn't want to sleep with her for 6 months? (whom didn't give her reasons).

Then she told me the second woman she was with emotionally abused her... .  sexually degraded her.

She'd tell me how neither women found her attractive. She portrayed herself as this poor sod whom nobody found attractive. Someone who was waiting for her "Queen" as she put it... to rescue her and make her feel wanted.

I remember thinking at the time ... Man... she is really open about her awful exes... a little TOO open! and I kept thinking that I'd be too embarrassed to say half the stuff she revealed.

I didn't realise at the time... my ex was playing the victim card to reel me in. Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2013, 07:12:05 PM »

Did anyone else's exBPD trash talk their exes to death in the beginning?

This should have been my number one red flag. You should be able to at least say 1 nice thing about someone you spent so long with.

And my exBPD also was still in touch with her ex fling/turned friend whom she brutally cut off after an argument they had (this was 3 months into our relationship).And she hadn't even told this woman that she'd been seeing me for 3 months?  yet they were "friends" who spoke regularly over text/phone.

So...

1. My ex was deceptive to this ex fling/turned friend of hers because she didn't tell her she was seeing me- a sign she was deceptive early on 

2. She brutally cut this ex friend of hers out of her life after an argument!  I should have seen this would happen to me one day.
Logged
Rose Tiger
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 2075



« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2013, 07:44:34 PM »

A red flag I missed with the ex was his talk of his previous wife and how awful she was to him, he took no responsibility in the demise of their marriage.  A healthy person would say, I made mistakes, she made mistakes, that sort of thing.

Do you have anything valuable of her's?  I see this as the only leverage you have right now.

Oh, and believe me, people don't care.  I was so worried about what coworkers would think of my divorce.  She is a loser.  He dumped her because she is bad.  I had it all worked up that they would think that.  It was gossip for about a day.  People are wrapped up with their own problems.  Our dilemmas are short lived in their thoughts.    Their way to cope (our exes) is to drum up sympathy, it worked on me, it worked on your partner's flatmate.  It was all a pile of lies.  The truth has a way of working through, yep.  Hang in there.
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959



« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2013, 08:36:50 PM »

Diana I know exactly what you're going through. Exactly. I feared this too, big time.

But what do I do- the day I hear she has said I abused her?  It's highly likely. 

See, our stories are really similar. The gay community I live in here is small too. Everyone knows everyone for the most part. And the majority know my ex and I. So I know exactly how hard this is for you.

My ex lied about me too. Big time lies, ones that could get me arrested if they were true, just like you. She was convincing too. So much so that I had people showing up at my home wanting to hurt me. I lived in fear for months. I too had recently ended another relationship before I met my exBPDgf.

I also found it very hard to let go of all the memories of all the terrible things I had witnessed and the things she did to me. When it consumes all your thoughts, this is called ruminating or spinning. It doesn't change the fact that these things happened, what it does is continue the hurt. The truth of the matter now is that you are continuing to relive this over and over.

I was definitely living in victim hood. Here's what I realized. First, you can't control what other people are going to say, your actions will eventually tell the tale. If you act like a stalker, guess what people are going to say?

Second, and this is the hard one, I wasn't a victim in this. I chose to stay, for 5 years. There were red flags slapping me in the face the whole time, I ignored them. At this point, this became about me and my issues.

I stayed because I had my little family with her and her children, it was an illusion of a family I'd always wanted. At the time I would have rather have my family than be alone.

Why did you ignore flags stay? (with either of these women)

Logged

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
bk224

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 4


« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2013, 09:27:22 PM »

My situation seems to resemble your in that I also ended up feeling crazy, like I was a stalker, etc. My ex never really took responsibility for her part in any miscommunication between us. Everything was always my fault. She broke up via text, came back, broke up again via text, then ignored me for months. I tried to reestablish contact and it all got crazy again because when I tried to go from just text to actually talking face to face, something we had never done after a bizarre text argument during which she broke up with me, she cancelled at the last minute. During each text argument I tried to call her to talk about what was happening as I could really see things going awry but she always had an excuse for why she couldn't answer the phone but could only text. And then she'd cut things off.

I so desperately wanted to talk to her once, face to face, about all the misunderstandings, etc. but she ended up telling me that I had violated her boundaries on many occasions, that she didn't want to be friends with me for that reason, etc. I was so off balance that I ended up apologizing for all of these things I didn't believe I had done. Later I kicked myself, thinking 'what boundaries?, what is she talking about? Why did I apologize?' Once again she had turned a situation around so that she was the victim. But I knew if I made contact one more time it would just make me look totally unbalanced and feed the 'victim' story.

It killed me but, Diana, here is the tough part. I had become obsessed with her, because... .  I felt so unjustly accused, so frustrated that every time I tried to talk about issues she refused to see me, so depressed about being abandoned. My head was spinning and I ruminated endlessly. I was in therapy the whole time but I was just beside myself with all of it... .  and the longing, missing her and the closeness we had shared long ago, the nice things about her--somehow thinking if she had enough space it could be revived.

I hit rock bottom the evening I went to her house and asked her for just a few minutes to talk and she told me to leave, wouldn't answer her door, told me I was trespassing. I went home feeling humiliated. I had been feeling broken for months. I then decided it was time for me to go back on medication. That I couldn't break out of the painful rumination; I couldn't let go and break out of the cycle without help. Within days of taking sertraline, my mood began to lift, I felt relief to be free of her and my ruminations decreased by at least 50%. I was able to LET GO. (Oh and I also started attending Love Addicts Anonymous meetings to try to figure out why I was attracted to people who ended up abusing me and why I KEPT MYSELF  in those relationships by going back for more punishment--and how my own insecurities may have played into the whole mess.)

I don't know you and don't want, can't really, know your situation, but you do seem possibly caught in a cycle and having a hard time breaking out, which sort of makes you seem like the 'crazy' one. That's how I felt... .  like somehow my association with this person, who left me so confused and hurt, dazed, had exacerbated my own issues and I was becoming a bit 'crazy'. It scared me, still does. But, they were my issues, holding on--not letting go.

The best thing you can do is find a way to break free from thinking about her so you can get on with your life, therapy, meds, friends, whatever it takes.

I am still working on myself and hoping I never have a relationship that feels that bad again (had two in a row!).
Logged
really
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 278


« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2013, 09:39:30 PM »

Diana,

I understand your frustration.  Look at my posts from today... .  

As per BK's experience my ex did not take any responsibility for the communicatin issues.   My ex broke up by text, came back, then broke up, then when I tried to speak to her / get closure / get understanding, I was abused, ridiculed, ignored, defamed, and had the police called on me.   

I was told how my behaviour (in contacting her) was completely unacceptable... .  no acknowledgement of the affair or the huge contradictions with what she had said... Like BK I have apologised over things for evetrything.    And then kept thinking why did I apologise.   

Her latest has been to make herself a victim with her employer... I have ruminated endlessly.    I have not been in therapy but am going to start soon and join a CODA group.

I am sitting here shaking after my final failed attempt to get any honesty out of her.  I feel sick and ashamed.

Many of us have been caught in this cycle.   

So you don't make any of the many mistakes I have made, I encourage you to find ways as BK has suggested to break free from thinking about her.   I know just how painful and difficult that is.  I really really do.


Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #25 on: January 15, 2013, 10:10:46 PM »

Other red flags include:

1. She was still in touch with this 'emotionally abusive" and "sexually degrading" ex fling/turned friend woman who lived interstate. They seemed to have a complicated friendship. And the friend would text my ex daily and my ex told me she'd just "ignore the texts". Apparently.   I had been dating my exBPD for 3 months, and she still didn't tell this 'friend' that she'd started seeing me.   Her excuse was "I don't want to get into the drama... it will cause all this drama and she'll start asking questions etc. I'm not even close with her these days and am just 'managing' the friendship. She lives interstate so I'll never see her anyway".   I should have not believed her-  what kind of 'friend' is not told about your new relationship?

2. She had planned to meet this ex fling-turned-friend on a trip to Thailand (she was going to with her parents for NYE) before she met me. And even though she we'd be dating for 3 months, she was still going to see this woman for a drink in Thailand. And this is a woman who has no idea that she is seeing someone and is likely to try to make a move.   I should have seen this as deceptive (from my ex).  This other woman had no clue she was seeing someone and was expecting to catch up and most likely "have some fun".  This was an early sign my ex was deceptive.

3. They got into a fight over text and my ex actually forwarded me their text fight (from Thailand)! I had to read through a fight with her ex-fling-turned-friend.  Then my ex brutally cuts this woman off and blocks her on facebook... .  ignores all her calls. Ends it.  I should have known that this woman was most likely my ex's back up. And I should have taken note of how cruelly she was treated and thought that could happen to me too- and it did.


4. My ex changed months into the relationship to make herself the 'desirable' one. No longer was she the poor sod who nobody found attractive. She started telling me all these women had been obsessed with her... stalked her... .  tried to grope her everywhere she went. I couldn't keep up... .  I should have run

5. She excessively spoke about how hot men are things like  "I was looking at his ankles... .  his legs... .  I just went into a trance"   and pointing out random hot men to me (weird for a lesbian)

6. She told me she had been bullied throughout her childhood and that her parents did 'nothing' but told her she is too 'sensitive' and needs to toughen up. She was very resentful of her parents even at age 27. She was deeply troubled over it and only told me about this.  She quit therapy after 3 sessions.

7. She was emotionally attached to her family and had severe separation anxiety. Yet she didn't seem 'close' to her family... but needed them for her 'sanity'- her own words. And again- didn't confide in them about being bullied.

8. She told me I was her true love... quite early on. I couldn't say this back to her (I loved her but didn't consider her my 'true love' at that point).
Logged
Suzn
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959



« Reply #26 on: January 15, 2013, 11:12:02 PM »

I can see how all of that would be concerning to you.   

So, why did you stay Diana? (with either of these women?)
Logged

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #27 on: January 16, 2013, 01:13:57 AM »

Rose Tiger>

RE:  Do you have anything valuable of her's?  I see this as the only leverage you have right now.

Well, I had her fleece jacket, books and some of her phD files. I asked her a number of times what she would like me to do with these... if we can arrange a swap of items or where I can leave them (she lives in a flat).

NO response.

She obviously didn't care enough about the stuff to even say "It's ok, I don't need the stuff... .  "

I just got silence 

I have been told by her flat mate that she "does not have the rest of my stuff"  and to "never contact her again" because "she wants me OUT of her life".

I was also told by her flat mate that I will "NEVER get closure from her!"

Charming, isn't it.
Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #28 on: January 16, 2013, 01:15:44 AM »

Suzn> what kinds of things did your ex say about you?

Has anyone else here been called a "harasser"?



Logged
Diana82
Also "ZaraP"
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 607


« Reply #29 on: January 16, 2013, 01:41:00 AM »

thanks bk244...

I was made to feel like the one with 'issues'.

When my ex and I had the argument via text, I'd also just argued with my Mum so I was super emotional.

When my ex was dumping me she said:

1. "You need HELP!  You have anger issues and issues with your Mum!"

2.  "You were burnt by your ex and now you're a VERY suspicious person! you have baggage!

3.  "Your texts are a form of HARASSMENT! You're a text terroriser!"

4.  "You have a mean streak"


Unfortunately all of her words really upset me and I ended up profusely apologising for telling her off in the first place 

... .  Not sure if you have read my other posts... but my ex dumped me because we had a fight over me telling her she is way too inconsistent (her stories and actions kept changing) and too defensive over being questioned.

I ended up feeling like I did have a problem and have even questioned myself... am I too suspicious like my ex said I was?
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!