Doubting myself again

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey family... .  please tell me that this isn't on me.  I just read one of her Facebook posts... .  she is soo playing the victim card again.  I'm the bad guy... .  I'm the unreasonable one... .  

We can't go more than a week without having some kind of a major blow up... .  whether it be from me asking her if there is something wrong and she takes offense to that, or it's because I take offense to a double standard, her rarely admitting she's wrong, her rarely accepting responsibility/accountability, her ocassional dishonesty, her glaring lack of humility/mercy, her constant chaos, her playing the victim card, hypocrisy, criticalness, constantly changing her stances on things, the stressful vacations, constantly correcting me, reminding me of any accommodation she may make for me, and her ongoing complaints of physical illnesses... .  And all this is just within the past few months.  It got to the point when I would dread spending time with her even when I knew we were going to have sex.

I won't mention the cheating, stealing, lies and attempt to ruin my career and my life... .  because that was "before she found peace with God".

I've been racking my brain (as I always do when it comes to this)... .  trying to look within and find the blame in me.  Countless times I've crawled back, taking the full brunt of the heat for what went wrong... .  All she had to do was simply wait it out with NC and I would come... .  it was that easy for her... .  

If I knew for sure that this woman has BPD and that there is absolutely no future, I need to leave and never look back.  She talks such a good game, I tend to believe her and so does her mom.

A few years ago she attempted suicide and was placed in a facility that specifically treats people with BPD.  I doin't know for sure she was diagnosed, but I think so.  They had her on a lot of medications afterwards.  Of course, she said that she didn't really intend to kill herself, she was just doing it to "protect" me from her ex-husband.

I want to believe the things she says... .  I want to buy into that happy life we talked about, but every time I end up where I am now.  Scratching my head wondering how it came to this.

Can someone make sense out of all this?  So few people outside this site can help me... .  My three best friends told me a few years ago to run and never look back... .  My best friend has been helping me thus far and desperately wants me to leave the relationship... .  he's seen enough.

I want no regrets with this decision.  At one point I thought she was the love of my life.  The connection was awesomew, the sex was amazing and all lights were green.  Up until a few weeks ago, the sex was still awesome. but very little else is functioning.

Anyway, sorry for the jumbled and disorganized post... .  My mind is jumbled and disorganized.  Thank you to any and all that choose to delve into this mess with me and make sense out of it all.

I so want a normal life... .  one without chaos and misery... .  and if I am the one causing it, I want to fix it.

At a loss,

F1 

[FoolishOne]

Hey family... .  please tell me that this isn't on me.  I just read one of her Facebook posts... .  she is soo playing the victim card again.  I'm the bad guy... .  I'm the unreasonable one... .  

We can't go more than a week without having some kind of a major blow up... .  whether it be from me asking her if there is something wrong and she takes offense to that, or it's because I take offense to a double standard, her rarely admitting she's wrong, her rarely accepting responsibility/accountability, her ocassional dishonesty, her glaring lack of humility/mercy, her constant chaos, her playing the victim card, hypocrisy, criticalness, constantly changing her stances on things, the stressful vacations, constantly correcting me, reminding me of any accommodation she may make for me, and her ongoing complaints of physical illnesses... .  And all this is just within the past few months.  It got to the point when I would dread spending time with her even when I knew we were going to have sex.

I won't mention the cheating, stealing, lies and attempt to ruin my career and my life... .  because that was "before she found peace with God".

I've been racking my brain (as I always do when it comes to this)... .  trying to look within and find the blame in me.  Countless times I've crawled back, taking the full brunt of the heat for what went wrong... .  All she had to do was simply wait it out with NC and I would come... .  it was that easy for her... .  

If I knew for sure that this woman has BPD and that there is absolutely no future, I need to leave and never look back.  She talks such a good game, I tend to believe her and so does her mom.

A few years ago she attempted suicide and was placed in a facility that specifically treats people with BPD.  I doin't know for sure she was diagnosed, but I think so.  They had her on a lot of medications afterwards.  Of course, she said that she didn't really intend to kill herself, she was just doing it to "protect" me from her ex-husband.

I want to believe the things she says... .  I want to buy into that happy life we talked about, but every time I end up where I am now.  Scratching my head wondering how it came to this.

Can someone make sense out of all this?  So few people outside this site can help me... .  My three best friends told me a few years ago to run and never look back... .  My best friend has been helping me thus far and desperately wants me to leave the relationship... .  he's seen enough.

I want no regrets with this decision.  At one point I thought she was the love of my life.  The connection was awesomew, the sex was amazing and all lights were green.  Up until a few weeks ago, the sex was still awesome. but very little else is functioning.

Anyway, sorry for the jumbled and disorganized post... .  My mind is jumbled and disorganized.  Thank you to any and all that choose to delve into this mess with me and make sense out of it all.

I so want a normal life... .  one without chaos and misery... .  and if I am the one causing it, I want to fix it.

At a loss,

F1 

[happiness68]

FoolishOne - what advice would you give a friend looking at yourself and the situation from the outside?  This is what I try to do when I'm feeling weak. I'm very weak, so of course this doesn't help much, but it does sometimes make me realise how things really are and gives me a bit of clarity.  Try it.  It could help you.

[Surnia]

FoolishOne

Seems you have a very regular contact with her.

We can't go more than a week without having some kind of a major blow up...

How dense is your contact right now? I have the feeling you are very undecided. More undecided than leaving. Or am I wrong?

[turtle]

I so want a normal life... .  one without chaos and misery... .  and if I am the one causing it, I want to fix it.

If you truly want a life without chaos and misery, you can't be with someone who is chaotic and miserable. 

I don't know you, so I can't tell you what your part in this mess is, but one part is clear... .  you are causing your own misery by trying to have a "normal" life with someone who is NOT normal.  You are setting yourself up for failure and disappointment every single time you think this relationship can be happy and misery free.  History tells you that this is not possible.

turtle

[Curvy girl]

Hi foolish one.

I agree with Surnia you sound undecided.

I want no regrets with this decision.  At one point I thought she was the love of my life.  

I too have struggled with this and I think this has caused me to get stuck about making a decision. I somehow wanted some magical way to leave this relationship and never miss him, never want him back and never miss the good times. Or alternatively wave a magic wand and make the bad times go away and have lots and lots of good times. I only recently realised neither was possible.

There are challenges to be faced with either decision, not sure if you've been on this board long but those whole leave have a hard time coming to their decision and picking up the pieces after. Those who stay also face challenges of how to stay with dysfunctional people and maintain a healthy self. What both have in common though is learning how to take care of themselves.

Do you have a therapist? Have you taken time to think about how the relationship has affected your moods, behaviour, self esteem and general well being? Are your needs being met?

In any relationship each party is responsible for their own actions wether it's dysfunctional or not. You can never "make " anyone act a certain way. They have choices, and how they choose to react to anything is completely up to them. So their idea of you "causing" your partners behaviour is a little misplaced. How is it you're responsible for both her actions and your own too?

I can't tell you what to but I recommend you start with some of the workshops on here. Find out about BPD. Learn about boundary setting. Read about the myths that get you stuck. Maybe some of the ones on the undecided board.

Whatever you decide we're hear to listen when you vent, bounce ideas off if you need to and celebrate small victories with you.

Welcome !

[FoolishOne]

Thank you for your posts... .  Sorry for the delayed response... .  I decided to sleep in this moring and get some much-needed rest.  To clarify... .  yes, my wife and I are still married.  We've been living apart for nearly three years now.  This most recent episode a few weeks ago, has made me want to end it.  So that is why I am on this board.

I gather strength and encouragement from those of you that have been where I am (and will be soon I hope).  I have been constantly going back and forth trying to decide which of us is the bad guy.  Quite honestly I am mentally exhausted from it all. 

My friends say the writing is on the wall, but until they've been there, it is so difficult for them to understand.

Anyway, I just need confidence and strength to follow through this time and reach escape velocity.  I've been close before, but these little pockets of doubt creep up and cause me to doubt.  I don't want to look back and wonder what the Hell have I done.  Did I pushed away my dream girl, the love of my life just because I wasn't able to adapt and overcome?  I also fear that I'll get back out there again and find some of the same problems and come to realize that maybe all relationships take work and I didn't work hard enough on this one.

As mentioned, she talks a great game and can get anyone to believe (including myself) that I am the Devil himself and she is the innocent victim that has courageously held on hoping that I'll come around.

I want off the roller coaster.

F1

[turtle]

Did I pushed away my dream girl, the love of my life just because I wasn't able to adapt and overcome? 

We can't go more than a week without having some kind of a major blow up... .  

whether it be from me asking her if there is something wrong and she takes offense to that,

or it's because I take offense to a double standard,

her rarely admitting she's wrong,

her rarely accepting responsibility/accountability,

her ocassional dishonesty,

her glaring lack of humility/mercy,

her constant chaos,

her playing the victim card,

hypocrisy,

criticalness,

constantly changing her stances on things,

the stressful vacations,

constantly correcting me,

reminding me of any accommodation she may make for me,

and her ongoing complaints of physical illnesses

It got to the point when I would dread spending time with her even when I knew we were going to have sex.

I won't mention the cheating,

stealing,

lies and

attempt to ruin my career and my life... .  because that was "before she found peace with God".

THIS is the girl of your dreams? This is YOUR desription of her.  Maybe it's time for a new dream!  And no one should have to adapt and overcome these kinds of things. NO ONE!

turtle

[FoolishOne]

You rock Turtle!

[happiness68]

See FoolishOne - you have your head screwed on. You knew straight off that what Turtle tells you is how it is.  Isn't it strange how people on the outside can see so clearly what we don't see on the inside.

[turtle]

You rock Turtle!

Well... .  thank you.  However... .  YOU are the one that wrote that list, not me.  Sometimes, we get so busy second guessing ourselves that we don't even listen to what WE say anymore and sometimes... .  what WE say about our own lives is the most telling of all.

turtle

[just me.]

I gather strength and encouragement from those of you that have been where I am (and will be soon I hope).  I have been constantly going back and forth trying to decide which of us is the bad guy.  Quite honestly I am mentally exhausted from it all.

FoolishOne, you have been on these boards for multiple years, and you have made more than a couple hundred posts.  You clearly see a great deal of similarities between your own r/s and those discussed and lamented here.  The relationships discussed here are not normal or healthy at all.  They are not merely "troubled" or "complicated"... .  they are the result of mental illness.

So, in that sense... .  neither of you is the "bad guy".  You are both caught in a tornado that pushes away logic, reason, and happiness.

I'd say the more logical concern that some of us have is the question "Am I crazy or is she?"  Or more specifically:  ":)o I have BPD or does she?"

A logical mind will of course be tormented by such questions.  After all... .  we have found ourselves emotionally whipped around in something that just doesn't make sense.  When your whole world is upside down, of course we wonder if the world is upside down or if maybe it's just us with our feet on the ceiling?  How could we not doubt ourselves?  We hope and pray that they can somehow reach outside of their own minds and see the delusions that populate their truths.  We'd need to be hypocrites to not wonder what we might see if we could somehow do the same thing.

But, ultimately, the relationship is a harmful, unhealthy one... .  and you know it.  If you stay inside it forever, you will never get the opportunity to gain focus upon the source of the confusions.

Are you crazy?  It certainly doesn't seem like it to me, but if that question troubles you (as I think it has for many of us here at one point or another), then all the more reason to distance yourself from this person as much as you possibly can so that you may see the truth (and yourself) more clearly.  Walk outside the upside down world... .  feel your feet on the ground again... .  let things be right-side up.

In my experience, a little distance has gone a long way to helping me realize how truly troubled my ex-wife always was.  I'm not even very far out yet, but already I can look back and see that I carried on my shoulders the notion that "maybe I really am just as absolutely terrible as she seems to sometimes think I am" for far too long.  You don't want to carry that weight forever... .  trust me.

[FoolishOne]

Awesome posts... .  thank you Just me, Turtle, Surnia, happiness, Curvy girl for your investment.  I truly believe this site provides a service like none other.  It will be by the grace of God, my friends and this site that helps me to catapult myself out of this fog and into a better place.  I know it to be true... .  but just as the drug addict knows that cocaine will eventually be his undoing, I find myself attracted like moth to the fire.  It truly disappoints me that I am not strong enough, that I don't have enough self-respect, that I place such a high value on sex with a highly attractive woman... .  It even disgusts me to honest with you.

Before meeting her, I was a confident, successful man.  Now, in one of her recent emails, she has all but said that she has outgrown me.  Basically, she doesn't need me anymore.  She admittedly was at a low point in her life and that's when she met me.  By her own words, I rescued her... .  but now she is out of the ashes, a new creature in Christ and not the same woman I married. 

Needless to say, my self-esteem and self-confidence are a little worn, but not as bad as it was when she left me a few years ago for an international pilot (I guess he's the one that gave her Herpes).  From her account, he was crazy... .  I wonder.

Regardless, I think the real issue for me to overcome is this... .  If I can somehow convince myself that she truly is mentally ill now (not just before she became "spiritually pure".  If I can gain confidence in the knowledge that I am not going to be able to fix this relationship by my changing... .  If I can grow strength by being able to look toward a better tomorrow without her, then that momentum will carry me through the dark times coming.

I worry about those dark times... .  After she left me for the pilot, I was at an all time low.  I eventually picked myself back up, started dating and regained the old me... .  but of course, she trapsed back into my life and like an idiot, I chose to take her back... .  after all she had done to me... .  and there was plenty.

So that scares me here.  If she can get by with what she did to me previously, maybe she'll get by with anything now.

[turtle]

So that scares me here.  If she can get by with what she did to me previously, maybe she'll get by with anything now.

Only if you let her.

[Rose Tiger]

Words are meaningless, focus on the actions.    I'm five and a half months out, the thought of going back to that scares me greatly.  I feel like Toto and Dorothy is saying, he got away!  Sometimes I wish I could go back into the matrix, I do, back to a time where I was in blissful ignorance.  Mostly though, I wonder what's ahead in the future and hopeful.  I was in no hope limbo for so long.  It's good to have it all decided and living with blinders off.

[myself]

I worry about those dark times... .  After she left me for the pilot, I was at an all time low.  I eventually picked myself back up, started dating and regained the old me... .  but of course, she trapsed back into my life and like an idiot, I chose to take her back... .  after all she had done to me... .  and there was plenty.

You've seen yourself at your lowest point, and saw that you got through it.

What can you do about it now? What did you do then? When you were at your lowest, what helped you rise above it? What can you do so she can't come back in again?

Illness or not, as RoseTiger wrote, pay attention to the actions. Your own included. Which ones sabotage yourself? Get rid of them, change those patterns. Live your best life.

[happiness68]

FoolishOne - you're further on now, you understand more. When she left for you the pilot I'm assuming you weren't as aware as you are now with regards as to what she was doing or why etc.  That said, you are in your own way (as am I, I realise writing this message to you) stronger in a certain sense.  You can have everything back that you once had.  Can I ask you, when she returned after the pilot, were you with someone?  If so, why did you give her a second chance - because you were still in love with her?

So that scares me here.  If she can get by with what she did to me previously, maybe she'll get by with anything now.[/quote]

[FoolishOne]

Happiness68... .  I agree that one would think that I am so much wiser now... .  and no, I didn't know what I was dealing with at the time... .  I knew something was wrong with her... .  originally I thought she was bipolar... .  but not being much of psych specialist, I didn't know. 

To answer your question... .  actually, I was enjoying the benefits of being single again.  I was dating and building up my confidence with each encounter.  So, by the time she returned to the scene (2008), I thought I was well over her and the pain she had caused... .  apparently she wasn't done ruining my life... .  because, by taking her back, not only did I add on a few more years of grief, halt my recovery process, squelch promising opportunities for real happiness... .  but she gave me Herpes in the process.  Foolish One truly is the best monicker for me.

I hope I don't buy into her convincing double-speak and allow myself to be swept up again with her physical features.  Every time something like this occurs, it is always me that comes crawling back... .  putting one more dime in the jukebox so we can continue to dance... .  but with each occurence, that "dime" is more costly.  If I were to try to repair this recent mess, I would have to commit to not drinking at all, not listen to rock music and kiss her ass like never before... .  and even then she would make me feel as if she's doing me the favor in taking ME back.

[turtle]

I hope I don't buy into her convincing double-speak and allow myself to be swept up again with her physical features.  Every time something like this occurs, it is always me that comes crawling back... .  putting one more dime in the jukebox so we can continue to dance... .  but with each occurence, that "dime" is more costly.  If I were to try to repair this recent mess, I would have to commit to not drinking at all, not listen to rock music and kiss her ass like never before... .  and even then she would make me feel as if she's doing me the favor in taking ME back.

FoolishOne --

You are not powerless here!

You're already flirting with the idea of what it would take/or be like to be back with her.

You've already described the sick dance of you "crawling back" to her and what YOUR restrictions would have to be so you could continue to be disrespected by her. 

So she's good looking.  Big effing deal!  There's lots of pretty people in the world and she certainly isn't pretty INSIDE. 

You need a new path, a new dream, a new focus.

Start flirting with the idea of what life will be like WITHOUT her shennanigans, VD, pilots and all of her other BS.

[FoolishOne]

Turtle... .  you preach the gospel and for that I am thankful.  I hope you and the rest of the family will not give up or get frustrated with me.  Know this... .  I want out.  I need out.  My mind is both my best weapon and my worst enemy.  Thinking is what got me to this site... .  thinking is what led me back to her, and thinking is what will destroy me unless I can control the input and ultimately, the processed output.

I wish this were easier.  I feel like the guy that is sick but doesn't want to throw up.  As good as it would be for me to purge this out of my system, I am choosig to be a pussy and continue to feel miserable until I eventually throw up anyway, or die from the poison I chose to keep within.

Sorry for the crude analogy, but that's as accurate as I can make right now.

[turtle]

Turtle... .  you preach the gospel and for that I am thankful.  I hope you and the rest of the family will not give up or get frustrated with me. 

No one here -- especially me -- will give up on you.  We all process these things the best we can and we are ALL guilty of stinkin thinkin. 

It took me FOREVER to get beyond this crap.  But I did.  And I'm here to tell you... .  life can be so much better! 

Everyday you spend twisted up in the BS of an insane person is another day you have thrown away.  Even so... .  no one can make these choices for you.  You will end this when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.  It's really that simple.  Until you reach the point where this is simply intolerable and unacceptable to you, nothing will change.  And, using your analogy, when that day comes, you will be hugging the porcelain god for a VERY long time because there is a lot to throw up!

turtle

[FoolishOne]

I gotta tell you Turtle (and others) that I typically am not one to cry.  I've cried more these past few years than my entire life... .  but every time I read words of hope / inspiration like yours (and many others on here), I start crying.  I'm not even sure exactly why.  Maybe it's because of that hope and inspiration... .  maybe it's fear of the unknown... .  of letting go... .  maybe it's none of the above... .  

Just know you, the moderators, the advisors, the ambassodors, the distinguished members, and even the new members a partners of my much-anticipated recovery process.  Thank you all so much.

[myself]

FoolishOne, these are your choices. Make the best ones, that help you grow away from this, not ones that keep you stuck. Waiting to see what she may or may not do isn't being responsible for your own life. I've been there too, and had to adjust my thinking too. Had to make the hard choice to walk away and keep walking. I'm not running, it's more like limping, but it's getting better every day. Just as it can be for you. Let yourself 'throw up'. You're right there on the brink. Let it out, let yourself become WiseOne or BetterOne or HealingOne, instead of Foolish. Admit to yourself that this is possible--- You said you've seen it before--- and then live it. Easier said than done, but never done until you do it. People here will be here for you as you go through it. Post more, get it out, work through your grieving, continue reaching out. What's best for You?

When she says stuff against drinking and rock and roll, you could say (not that you should even be in contact, but if you are): 'Jesus turned water into wine, and he probably likes to boogie'. Ask her if whichever god she prays to would say that cheating, hurting others, lying, being a hypocrite, etc. is OK. Ask her if her own actions match her words. When you see again that they don't, it will give you an extra push away from her.

Also: 'Wishing' and 'Hoping' = Not being in the Now. 'Being' and ':)oing' are.

[turtle]

I gotta tell you Turtle (and others) that I typically am not one to cry.  I've cried more these past few years than my entire life... .  but every time I read words of hope / inspiration like yours (and many others on here), I start crying.  I'm not even sure exactly why.   Maybe it's because of that hope and inspiration... .  maybe it's fear of the unknown... .  of letting go... .  maybe it's none of the above... .  

Why?  I think it's because right now you are too broken to be your own cheerleader.  I know all too well how that feels.  Then, when you come here and read things that are encouraging, or realize that a stranger is standing up for you, or you see yourself so clearly in the posts of another, or that maybe you're not as effed up as you thought you were, you feel a spark of hope. Hope for change.  Many of us lived without hope for a very long time, stymied by our own despair... .  and when hope resurfaces, we are unsure whether we should trust it.  We want to, but we just can't do it yet.

I'm here to tell you... .  trust in the hope that you have a future -- a better future -- AWAY from this insanity!  And trust in your own personal power!  YOU ARE NOT POWERLESS in this situation.  Believe that and start acting as if that is true.

Hang in there!  It's worth it.

turtle

[turtle]

When she says stuff against drinking and rock and roll, you could say (not that you should even be in contact, but if you are): 'Jesus turned water into wine, and he probably likes to boogie'. Ask her if whichever god she prays to would say that cheating, hurting others, lying, being a hypocrite, etc. is OK. Ask her if her own actions match her words. When you see again that they don't, it will give you an extra push away from her.

Also: 'Wishing' and 'Hoping' = Not being in the Now. 'Being' and ':)oing' are.

Love this.  ALL of it.

turtle

[FoolishOne]

Thank you "myself"... .  your words are spot on.  I'm in a holding pattern only because I want to allow her to hang herself (in my eyes of course).  I am going to send her an email in a couple of days, asking her to meet me in the middle to work on this marriage. It'll be short, sweet, and non-accusatory... .  but it won't be what  whe's expecting... .  A man on his knees begging for forgiveness... .  Regardless, predictably she'll turn it around.  I'll either be the hypocrite or the liar that can't be trusted.  After going throught the motions, I hopefully will feel justified with moving forward.

Regarding her "faith".  She knows the scriptures better than any minister, so it would be fruitless to counter with anything other than this... .  I asked her what she thought God would say to her about her efforts to save this marriage... .  she didn't have a response.  As far as her "past sins"... .  she says that she is not the woman I married... .  not any more.  Convenient.

Rest assured that I will continue to post... .  I will provide documentation for all to see... .  especially myself... .  this site will serve as my diary in the cloud... .  to review and reflect upon whenever I start to think fond of the woman that surgically sliced and diced my life to pieces.

And yes, I will begin to feel more comfortable with leaning on the members and sharing my heart... .  as ugly and as embarrassing as it may be... .  

Likewise, I pledge to be of support to anyone that would have me... .  It may be the blind leading the blind and misery loves company all rolled into one... .  but if I can help, I will.

F1

[FoolishOne]

Thank you Turtle!  Awesome

[turtle]

 As far as her "past sins"... .  she says that she is not the woman I married... .  not any more.  Convenient.

Well... .  you certainly can't disagree with this.  She is clearly NOT the woman you thought you married.

She's right about that!

turtle

[FoolishOne]

Yes... .  that, of course, was my reply to her... .  but my comments were met with exclamations of how derogatory I was and blaming her for so much.  It is, and always will be, a losing battle.

[turtle]

Yes... .  that, of course, was my reply to her... .  but my comments were met with exclamations of how derogatory I was and blaming her for so much.  It is, and always will be, a losing battle.

It IS a losing battle... .  even when they repeatedly load our guns... .  we lose.

And so... .  there comes a point, where you stop the battle.  And that doesn't mean you lost the battle.  YOU will move on and be okay ---- eventually.  She will ALWAYS be in a battle.

Regarding her "faith".  She knows the scriptures better than any minister,

This made me laugh -- well, tongue in cheek laugh.  I'm a preacher's kid and I promise I could outdo her Bible knowledge from here until eternity.  However... .  it is in such poor taste to fight or belittle another with the Bible.  The fact that she does this to you tells me everything I need to know about her.

turtle

[happiness68]

Ah Turtle, that's lovely and very true.  Yes, FooiishOne noone here will give up on you, me included.  I feel like this site has become a real rock for me.  Just in one day alone, I feel so much more strength (I speak for today).  Turtle, how long did it take you to feel the way you do?  You sound so very strong, a bit like my old self.

Turtle... .  you preach the gospel and for that I am thankful.  I hope you and the rest of the family will not give up or get frustrated with me. 

No one here -- especially me -- will give up on you.  We all process these things the best we can and we are ALL guilty of stinkin thinkin. 

It took me FOREVER to get beyond this crap.  But I did.  And I'm here to tell you... .  life can be so much better! 

Everyday you spend twisted up in the BS of an insane person is another day you have thrown away.  Even so... .  no one can make these choices for you.  You will end this when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.  It's really that simple.  Until you reach the point where this is simply intolerable and unacceptable to you, nothing will change.  And, using your analogy, when that day comes, you will be hugging the porcelain god for a VERY long time because there is a lot to throw up!

turtle