Being 'single' now

[FoolishOne]

Touche Turtle... .  Deep down in a place I hate to admit... .  I hope that car ends up in a scrap heap... .  It has been the worst investment of my life and nearly cost me everything already. 

I know it's immature thinking... .  but a year or two from now, I want to be healthy, recovered and back on track and I want her to be just as miserable as when we split... .  Unfortunately, right now... .  she is giving every appearance that she is doing awesome.  She has her life back and she's enjoying her freedom... .  doing things without being criticized or being obsessed about... .  They say the best revenge is living well... .  so I know she has every intention of living well... .  whether or not she is going to pull it off is another thing... .  It just sucks Turtle... .  really just sucks right now.

F1

[turtle]

I know it's immature thinking... .  but a year or two from now, I want to be healthy, recovered and back on track and I want her to be just as miserable as when we split... .  

Unfortunately, right now... .  she is giving every appearance that she is doing awesome.  She has her life back and she's enjoying her freedom... .  doing things without being criticized or being obsessed about... .  They say the best revenge is living well... .  so I know she has every intention of living well... .  whether or not she is going to pull it off is another thing... .  It just sucks Turtle... .  really just sucks right now.

F1

She probably WILL be miserable, but the cool thing... .  the BEST thing... .  is that in a year or two you won't give a damn about that.

And yes... .  it sucks... .  for NOW!  It won't always be this way FoolishOne.  Eyes off of her and her "supposed" happiness.  Eyes on YOU and putting YOURSELF back together!

Hard to do, but oh so necessary.

[TheRealSully]

God, I hope you're right... .  has anyone on the boards experienced it?

F1

I have.  A had a partner (another nut job, but in a different way... .    just very demanding and controlling), who was insane.  Best person of my entire life, sexually.  This was *before* my BPD wife. 

They are out there.  BPDs are pretty good... .  but there are certainly better.

I'm not going to lie and say they aren't crazy though.  The more attractive and better to hook up with, the crazier the woman is, in my years of experience. 

[ultramarine]

Hello All!

Kind of wickedly reassuring to see so many of us going through the same struggle post break-up!  

Time for a Group Hug! 

I have been divorced one year. The initial six months were terrible! Guilt, Regret, Confusion and Helplessness reigned. I just couldn't make up my mind whether I should make memories out of the good times or the bad times. Thus couldn't categorize my relationship and give it a closure, until the day I realized that it was futile! I was wasting too much energy in organizing my past, and was wasting precious moments of my present!

Time is precious my friends! And so is health! Partners come and go but time and health do not come back! 

So I decided to be happy! Do everything that made me happy! Yes there are moments of depression too, but it's up to us how much to torture ourselves with it. It's been about six months now. I am dating another guy. And touchwood I am happy and looking forward for a future with him 

I think that's the biggest lesson my exW BPD taught me: Look ahead, ahead and only ahead! Enjoy life! Enjoy yourself! Drench in the showers of happiness wherever you find them!

All the best to all of us! May happiness and light guide us all!

[FoolishOne]

Awesome post Ultra... .  and just what a lot of us wallowing in the muck and mire of our own self-doubt need right now... .  Hope springs eternal... .  and you are proof that there is life after BPD. Please keep us posted and check in to let us see the other side of the curtain.  I want to get there.

F1

[happiness68]

Ultramarine - thanks for that.  You give me so much hope reading what you've written.  So much so that I re-read it a couple of times.  I particularly loved the section below... .  Definitely time for a group hug (even if virtual) 

Hello All!


I think that's the biggest lesson my exW BPD taught me: Look ahead, ahead and only ahead! Enjoy life! Enjoy yourself! Drench in the showers of happiness wherever you find them!

[bb12]

Great question myself!

I got to that very question organically when I was going through the Acceptance phase of the grief process

I realised that during the acceptance period, I had to accept all of it... .  what my ex did; who he was; what I did; what I was.

And I got to a stage of deliberately cataloguing my life and accepting my relationship with: food, money, booze, family, work, sleep, my apartment, my dating status... .  and I looked at my entire life objectively with a view to saying... .  "Ok this is me now". It is only from there that we pro-actively CHOOSE our r/ship with those things into the future.

When I got to my single status, I chose to stay single for a while because I was enjoying the things my break-up recovery was throwing up. I have applied a level of consciousness or deliberateness to my life and who I am / and want to be, that I had never allowed myself previously.

For a long time, I would hear people (including therapists) talking about "knowing who you are" and never knew what it meant. Intuitively, I knew i was NOT there. I didn't know myself. But because of all of this, I think I actually do now.

Acceptance means not fighting any more. It gives us the breather we need after fighting understand BPD, fix this, feel that. And for me it came with a surge of relief. It turned me from seeing the break-up cup as half-empty to half-full. I could see I was free and could do what I wanted again. It helped cut the cord to my BPD... .  and it was a powerful cord

BB12

[myself]

Acceptance means not fighting any more. It gives us the breather we need after fighting understand BPD, fix this, feel that. And for me it came with a surge of relief. It turned me from seeing the break-up cup as half-empty to half-full. I could see I was free and could do what I wanted again. It helped cut the cord to my BPD... .  and it was a powerful cord

Thanks bb12, this really gets through to me today.  

[Tausk]

For me, looking to a BPD for great sex is just a reflection of my core wounds where I have to look for satisfaction outside of myself because of my lack of self esteem and self acceptance.

One aspect of why sex was so good with all three my ex gfswBPD, was because of my self esteem issues and lack of self acceptance.  When I was with women w/o BPD, I was self conscious because it involved intimacy,  which also means self acceptance.  With BPD women, I didn't feel so self- consciousness with them or me, because deep down I already knew that they were severely damaged.  So in my judgement I didn't have to be any better in my own eyes to be with them.

In addition, it's also good with BPD's because they feel so deeply, and because they have limited memory, sex is relatively new each time for them.  As opposed to with another non, where the routine can become boring.

But sex is a relationship dynamic for me.  Great BPD sex can come from hiring a good BPD prostitute.  It's not personal for my exes any more than it's personal for a pro.  And even the intimacy level with a woman with BPD can only reach that of a three year old emotionally

When I'm with a toddler in a loving relationship, it's delightful.  I please her and she pleases me, and both receive great delight in the interaction. That's sex with a BPD: intense, she's easy to please so less stressful, it's like new, delightful and innocent. 

But sex with a real partner is more like having a real relationship with an adult.  It's deeper, more intense and more profound.  It takes communication and effort, but in the long run, it's much deeper and much more satisfying.  But I have to have the self acceptance to be intimate and trust someone on a deeper level emotionally. 

[joanlee]

@Shroder's Piano,

That was so well put, it was like I wrote it myself. Divorce after 36 years leaves a hole in your heart.

[HarmKrakow]

For me, looking to a BPD for great sex is just a reflection of my core wounds where I have to look for satisfaction outside of myself because of my lack of self esteem and self acceptance.

One aspect of why sex was so good with all three my ex gfswBPD, was because of my self esteem issues and lack of self acceptance.  When I was with women w/o BPD, I was self conscious because it involved intimacy,  which also means self acceptance.  With BPD women, I didn't feel so self- consciousness with them or me, because deep down I already knew that they were severely damaged.  So in my judgement I didn't have to be any better in my own eyes to be with them.

In addition, it's also good with BPD's because they feel so deeply, and because they have limited memory, sex is relatively new each time for them.  As opposed to with another non, where the routine can become boring.

But sex is a relationship dynamic for me.  Great BPD sex can come from hiring a good BPD prostitute.  It's not personal for my exes any more than it's personal for a pro.  And even the intimacy level with a woman with BPD can only reach that of a three year old emotionally

When I'm with a toddler in a loving relationship, it's delightful.  I please her and she pleases me, and both receive great delight in the interaction. That's sex with a BPD: intense, she's easy to please so less stressful, it's like new, delightful and innocent. 

But sex with a real partner is more like having a real relationship with an adult.  It's deeper, more intense and more profound.  It takes communication and effort, but in the long run, it's much deeper and much more satisfying.  But I have to have the self acceptance to be intimate and trust someone on a deeper level emotionally. 

You have made a clear and strong point. Very strong point. However, as i'm currently facing the same issues, I also tend to keep thought of this...

To me, intimacy in the bedroom is also about sharing love feelings, when I now look back at the BPD intimacy, it wasn't love from her part and I thought it was! That ... that makes me feel sick and used. And although it was good(!) I rather have it from a different (AND MORE HEALTHY!) perspective.

[Mupetto]

My experience with sex was very different. My uBPDexw was raped on her first sexual encounter. Not violently but as an innocent 13 year old and by a family friend who told her it was ok to do it with friends.  To make matters worse her father was a local, small town, police sergeant who told her to keep it quiet. Her mother told her she deserved it and many of the town’s folk knew about it. She left home and worked as a stripper for about ten years until she met her first husband. I only found out about this after we were married. It brings me to tears to now just to recall the story.

The impact of all this on her was complete detachment from the sexual experience. I see sex as one of the most sacred and intimate encounters that two people can do.  For her it was like groundhog day. There was no emotionality in sex what so ever. I could have it, she would say, whenever I wanted it. There was never any foreplay, gentleness, closeness or intimacy. But she was never there. We would finish and she would immediately get up, clean up and get busy with something else. We never talked about it. It was a taboo subject. One of many taboo issues.

I met her twenty years after she had stopped stripping. She would boast how she was “normal” when many of her stripper friends had turned out poorly due to the drugs and other negative lifestyle choices. It’s was so frustrating to see someone your care for so blinded by there own coping strategies.

[TheRealSully]

Wow. That was my ex BPD wife too, just with much more traumatic abuse as a child.   

So, the sex a was more detached, emotionally, which really does take it down a notch or two from good sex.

My experience with sex was very different. My uBPDexw was raped on her first sexual encounter. Not violently but as an innocent 13 year old and by a family friend who told her it was ok to do it with friends.  To make matters worse her father was a local, small town, police sergeant who told her to keep it quiet. Her mother told her she deserved it and many of the town’s folk knew about it. She left home and worked as a stripper for about ten years until she met her first husband. I only found out about this after we were married. It brings me to tears to now just to recall the story.

The impact of all this on her was complete detachment from the sexual experience. I see sex as one of the most sacred and intimate encounters that two people can do.  For her it was like groundhog day. There was no emotionality in sex what so ever. I could have it, she would say, whenever I wanted it. There was never any foreplay, gentleness, closeness or intimacy. But she was never there. We would finish and she would immediately get up, clean up and get busy with something else. We never talked about it. It was a taboo subject. One of many taboo issues.

I met her twenty years after she had stopped stripping. She would boast how she was “normal” when many of her stripper friends had turned out poorly due to the drugs and other negative lifestyle choices. It’s was so frustrating to see someone your care for so blinded by there own coping strategies.

[BleedsOrange]

Sexual trauma with mine too plus emotional and physical abuse from FOO. The sex from her was about NEED and while heartfelt from me and as she said, "the first time she felt" something or other i dont freakin remember... .  something about us being, "special". Well that was a load of crap. Near the break up she told me that she needed to be celibate for a while because she had never enjoyed sex. BOOM! right in my nuts. Yeah sex always seemed, whether it was good or not (it was better if she was drunk- maybe cause she wasnt in her head so much... .  doesnt matter), somewhat like a chore because it was about me fitting HER needs, filling HER holes. I remember the first time she came to visit me, she cried on the way home because I didnt sleep with her. I hadnt seen her for YEARS and Im just supposed to hop in the sack? Not very guy-like of me I guess.

Again it brings me back to need. She NEEDED it to feel normal- to feel loved. I NEEDED it because I wanted to feel validated sexually. That worked for a while, but I remember now, that even at its moments of intensity, it wasnt nearly as mind-blowing as everyone on here writes. The worship was a nice little boost, but again, being with a partner who is actively there with you, on the same page, whatever page that may be, is such a relief. It's good to be back.