She had me arrested

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It wasn't the first time she had called the police. She had called at least 3 or 4 times. One time she even flagged down a state cop when we were on the way to visit our daughters in camp. All the times before the cop could see that she was overly excited and nothing happened. Other times my kids would be in the background saying things like stop lying Mommy.

But this time I actually got arrested. She had been harassing me the whole day. It was a Saturday and often times she leaves around 9:30-10 am in the morning with me sitting on the couch with the kids or with the baby and she doesn't come back till 2 pm or 5 or whenever. So this morning I had been up early with the baby and needed to get out of the house. So I got dressed to go before she came and was ready to walk out when she comes out our room dressed to leave the house. I said, "Oh no, I am not staying here with the kids." I turned around and walked out. She followed me in to the street cursing and screaming at me for about two blocks. I came home around 1:30 and my kids (we have 6) told me, "Mommy was going through all your stuff." She went through my wallet and tore up some papers, she tore up my personal little notebook, she went through my briefcase and a other personal effects.

I was prepared for some sort of "punishment" for leaving so I was not too upset. Then she screamed at me some more and the straw that broke the camels back was when she took my expensive jacket, threw it on the floor and started stomping all over it. At that point I blew up, got up, and said/yelled "Enough." and gave her a hand to the side of her head. She put up her hands in defense. Did I hit her? I say that is not called hitting. I didn't hurt her. I wasn't trying to hurt her, etc. To her, she instantly went from screaming aggressor to victim of abuse. She started crying. SHe left the house. That was about 3:30. I didn't see her again till she came back with 4 cops at around midnight. SHe had gone to the police station immediately after and filed domestic violence charges against me.

I was arrested, booked, etc.

After 13 years and 6 children with this woman it seems to me like it is over. I can't live like this any longer. If I go back to the house it would be in constant fear that the moment I do something she does not like she will cal the police. One time she hit me then called the police.

So that is where Rewards2 is holding. If anyone has any advice, please share

[Rewards2]

It wasn't the first time she had called the police. She had called at least 3 or 4 times. One time she even flagged down a state cop when we were on the way to visit our daughters in camp. All the times before the cop could see that she was overly excited and nothing happened. Other times my kids would be in the background saying things like stop lying Mommy.

But this time I actually got arrested. She had been harassing me the whole day. It was a Saturday and often times she leaves around 9:30-10 am in the morning with me sitting on the couch with the kids or with the baby and she doesn't come back till 2 pm or 5 or whenever. So this morning I had been up early with the baby and needed to get out of the house. So I got dressed to go before she came and was ready to walk out when she comes out our room dressed to leave the house. I said, "Oh no, I am not staying here with the kids." I turned around and walked out. She followed me in to the street cursing and screaming at me for about two blocks. I came home around 1:30 and my kids (we have 6) told me, "Mommy was going through all your stuff." She went through my wallet and tore up some papers, she tore up my personal little notebook, she went through my briefcase and a other personal effects.

I was prepared for some sort of "punishment" for leaving so I was not too upset. Then she screamed at me some more and the straw that broke the camels back was when she took my expensive jacket, threw it on the floor and started stomping all over it. At that point I blew up, got up, and said/yelled "Enough." and gave her a hand to the side of her head. She put up her hands in defense. Did I hit her? I say that is not called hitting. I didn't hurt her. I wasn't trying to hurt her, etc. To her, she instantly went from screaming aggressor to victim of abuse. She started crying. SHe left the house. That was about 3:30. I didn't see her again till she came back with 4 cops at around midnight. SHe had gone to the police station immediately after and filed domestic violence charges against me.

I was arrested, booked, etc.

After 13 years and 6 children with this woman it seems to me like it is over. I can't live like this any longer. If I go back to the house it would be in constant fear that the moment I do something she does not like she will cal the police. One time she hit me then called the police.

So that is where Rewards2 is holding. If anyone has any advice, please share

[elemental]

Where are you now?

And it's time for you to get an attorney and begin documenting all of this.

If you don't have a restraining order against you, she could get one. If you stay away from the house then some people might say you have abandoned the marital property and your children, which would put you at a disadvantage in terms of custody and visitation.

[TheRealSully]

If you are staying, I'd say to see if you can get her on Zoloft.  That drug completely cured the same type of behavior in my BPD.  It didn't fix the underlying problems, but it did stop her violent rages.

[Rewards2]

I have a full 90 order of protection on me. Cannot go near her or the house.

I just got word that she is posting videos of me on Facebook. Not sure which because she blocked me from her page.

[Rewards2]

I don't see how I could go back at this point.

The only possible way I can think of is if she admits she is sick and has a letter on file with the police stating that she is sick and not to arrest me.

[TheRealSully]

Oh wow, that's a whole different situation.  I guess I'd stick with what the other poster said then... .    protect yourself.

[elemental]

My understanding is that these are temporary orders until a hearing is held in about 10 days or so. If you do not hire an attorney and fight this, she will wipe the floor with you.

Get an attorney asap, and likely your attorney will want to counterfile against her. She was terrorizing not only you but also your children.

I don't know if this part of the forum will be able to help you as much. There is a forum section for custody, divorces, etc. Likely they know a lot more about this stuff over there.

[Rewards2]

The hearing is in march. 60 days and I do have lawyer.

[elemental]

only advice I had. stay away from her!

[Surnia]

Reward2

So sorry what you have to go through! 

I was always worrying about you and your kids.

How takes care of the kids when you are not around?

Do you have a place to stay?

Stay in touch, reward.

[Rewards2]

she has been taking care of the kids, no one else to do it. She did hire the nanny to come extra and last night she went out and bought a 40 inch tv to keep them occupied, after not ever having a tv in the house

[elemental]

She is probably going to be re-thinking her actions over the next week or so. You are going to start looking very good as the guy who has been there for her and supporting her.

I don't know what to say about being able to sort it out with her. As much as she appears to be manipulating the legal system successfully to bully you and abuse you, I would think she will continue to fall back on it. Most people tend to do the things that get them what they want.

[TheRealSully]

night she went out and bought a 40 inch tv to keep them occupied, after not ever having a tv in the house

That's the stuff that baffles me the most.  They do a complete 180 on everything they stand for and believe in.

[Auspicious]

Unfortunately, you did hit her.   I doubt very much that the law will see her provocation as justification.

[briefcase]

Stay away from her. Even if she invites you over or contacts you, she doesn't have the authority to nullify the court order. 

Spend this time regrouping and trying to regain some balance in your life.  It's easy to get lost in the day-in day-ou drama of these relationships.  Your kids need at least one parent who is mature and in control of themselves. 

I'm sorry this has happened to you.  Stay strong and let us know what happens.

[Rewards2]

Yes, I did give her a hand. Does that mean anything. A slight hit?

I hit her hand more than anything and certainly did not hurt her.

Is there any possibility to going back into the house for me?

I don't want to go back. I can't do it anymore. I mean if her provocation and destroying my prpery means nothing, what am I supposed to do?

If I call the police that she stepped on my hat or ripped up my book and was cursing at me what could they do?

So I have to stay and continue to be abused with no recourse?

I am not an angel and cannot guarantee that with all the provocation I will never touch her.

Heck, one time she hit ME! and called the police immediately afterwards to protect herself.

I am very close to beginning to put an end to this.

I have no desire to return to jail again.

[real lady]

((Rewards2)) I am so sorry that you are going though this... .  as a mom, I am preoccupied in being concerned about your kids... .  she has had you arrested and now you cannot go near the house? what about seeing your kids?


I would almost wonder if you should consider hiring or placing surveillance on your house to see if she leaves the kids alone or "takes off" without caring for them. That certainly would prove her incompetence and get her out of your house... .  I would hope.

This has just gone too far. Hope your lawyer moves quickly on this... .  is it too late to file charges of damage to property and violation of your finances about what happened and for PROVOKING you by damaging your property, etc... .  she should be held accountable. In the meantime, I agree with others... .  protect YOURSELF and see if someone can check on the kids. She needs HELP now... .  

Good luck.

[ForeverDad]

First, make no admissions of any guilt whatsoever without solid legal advice from an expert lawyer in the proper field of expertise.  You do not have to testify against yourself nor convict yourself.  Beware of saying "all I did was... .  " because even that disclaimer could be considered an admission.  "But she was... .  " is not a good defense.

It's been often advised and warned here at bpdfamily, that if a spouse has threatened to call the police (or has involved them in the past) then it's just a matter of WHEN it happens (again), not IF.

This may not apply to men, but it sure applied to my ex when she was on trial, it was her first time in court and she was given a pass.  Who knows, maybe your court will too.

Second, ASAP get Bill Eddy's inexpensive handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder available at Eddy's www.HighConflictInstitute.com or Amazon, etc.  It is crucial to read it and apply it's advice and concepts, otherwise the legal systems will eat you up and spit out what's left.  He specifically warns against plea deals, those admissions of some level of guilt will come back to haunt you months and years later.

You may need to move over to the Family Law, Divorce & Custody board.  Sadly, your time on "Staying" turned out to be "Staying For Now".

There is a possiblity that at some point she will want to undo it, thinking she wants the old life back or you "learned your lesson".  Whatever, just (1) never ever admit guilt and (2) if she wants you back you can adapt your strategy to undo the current case, wait a while and then separate less dangerously.  If you do go back, make she first recants, withdraws the case or whatever it takes so that it goes away and stays away.  Otherwise, it will be just too dangerous to live in close proximity with that hanging over your head.

Also, if the temporary order keeps you from the kids, you can seek to have temporary parenting schedule set up during the interim.  Remember, this case is about alleged ADULT behavior.  Courts will often make a distinction between adult behaviors versus parenting behaviors.  For example, my ex was arrested and went to trial (and eventually acquitted) for threats of DV against me, but family court made a parenting order where she was the temporary custodial parent with majority time.  Go figure.

[yeeter]

Rewards - hugs.   

What chaos you have been through!

To answer this question specifically:

Yes, I did give her a hand. Does that mean anything. A slight hit?

The answer is, YES, this DOES mean something.  You are now officially charged as a perpetrator of domestic violence.  And with kids involved the court system will assume you are a danger to them as well, and that they must be protected against your inability to control your anger and violence.

Im really sorry to say it so bluntly.  But read it again - you are now, officially, charged with domestic violence.

ForeverDad has some great advice.  You MUST, from this moment on, be on full defense mode.  Get a lawyer.  Consult on exactly what/how to interact with your wife.  Basically, do not go anywhere near her or the children without clearing it with your lawyer first.  Men are not treated fairly - brace yourself.

You have been through so much.  Please, PROTECT YOURSELF in this - because at some point in the future you children are going to need you.

Call in your support group and tell them whats happening and tell them you need help.  Then take any help they are willing to offer, even if its just someone to talk to.

[Mike76]

Thank you for this thread... .  Although I can not provide any site or advise, I will provide a little of my story and why your story means so much to me.  My uBPDw has hit, shoved, punch me several times... .  I have never hit her and feel I have never come close to doing so to her.  I have never called the police on her, although I have threatened to and chicken out.

My biggest fear is the following, that someday in the future I may do the same to her(in self-defense, or to prove a point).  I would hurt her and it would probably be just as simple as you "A simple slap to the cheek... .  " Am I planning to no... .  do I think I am planning to no... .  

Again the reason for my response, is how much we can not allow continued\ongoing physical violence to happen to us. We are only one day and one argument will change our lives and theirs forever. 

I recently started a thread "Can we forgive physical violence?",  if it happened only once or twice to be and my wife accepted responsibility for it maybe I could. She never has... .    I think rewards2 has already acceptable it has his mistake. My wife always tells me its my fault or I caused her to do it.  The only reason why I have not left myself is the following, we finally made it to marriage counseling and she is individual counseling.   Just last weekend I was able to address this violence is deal breaker for me, and my wife did not kick or stream.   In the next couple weeks, I will be able to again address it with my wife.  If she take ownership I may will give my marriage a little more time, if not I guess I will be done.

I have done a lot of reflecting of domestic violence over the last couple years... .  and as sad it is to say I can see how one partner could do it one time.   I only say that for the following... .  its almost like the kid touching the hot stove, you do not know what happens until it happens.  Unlike the kid we are adults, it just talks one person to make the mistake and both people can see the damage it causes. 

We all get to caught up with our BPD partners... .  Rewards2 took him many years to snap, how long will it take me... .  somedays I worry about myself.

Rewards2... .  I hope that you can sort out you mess easily...

[ForeverDad]

I have a full 90 order of protection on me. Cannot go near her or the house.

I just got word that she is posting videos of me on Facebook. Not sure which because she blocked me from her page.

Order says nothing about the children?  It's as I figured, it's limited to you and her.  But how to have access to the children?  Likely a police/peace officer or officer of the court (a lawyer for example) could facilitate an exchange.  Try it at a neutral location such as a police station.  If she refuses to drop them off, I guess you could pick them up from school?  Though that might enrage her.  She may feel that if she has the house, she has them.  And in a practical sense, she's mostly right.  You and she may have equal parenting rights, but until family court gets involved, they're undefined and it can be a free-for-all.  Right now that order puts you at a distinct disadvantage and limits your options.  In my case, the local police would not escort me to make exchanges, saying I had to have a parenting order in hand before they'd do anything.

Hopefully she'll miss having you around to watch the kids and soon decide she needs you more than she hates you.  Obviously, don't make it easy for her by paying her to hire sitters to replace you.  If she demands money, say you had to give it all to the lawyer, etc.  If you have money in joint accounts, have you considered taking out at least half and keeping it separate in your name only?  Again, say you need it to pay your legal bills.  (You don't have to divulge whether your legal bills are due this week or next year.  Now is not the time to share information or strategies with her or else they will be most likely used against you as long as you are rejected and painted black.)

The best short term solution is to see if she will calm down and withdraw her claims.  (Some states, such as Matt's, don't allow a person to withdraw charges, the case proceeds even if the complainant refuses to cooperate.)  I say short term solution because if she's done it once, she will do it again.  The ability to get you arrested is scary control leverage over you.  If this case does go away, you will need to figure out how to avoid that happening again.

Or if there is a hearing in a week or two the case might be dismissed there.  Does this order end after 90 days and nothing else is pending?  Or is there some sort of trial or hearing ahead of you?

"I just got word" ... .  maybe that tweety bird can pass along screenshots?  However, it is social media and I don't think you can do anything about it.  Court likely won't care - unless she's saying it's her fault or something else that makes you look good.

[Rewards2]

Do I want her to calm down and go back?

My postion at the moment is either she gets help or I am out.

Going back is scary. As I told my friends, going to jail for 24 hour is a once in a lifetime experience.

If I thought it would help, hey, fine. But she cold very easily do the same thing again a year or two from now and it could be worse for me, more than 24 hours.

How can i go back?

As far as seeing the kids, they have been calling me and I stop around the block and they come into the car. It has been working so far.

I want the best, but I don't see how I could go back. Especially that she will use the threat of calling the police all the time over me.

Can anyone open my eyes? Is it possibe to go back?

[Rewards2]

Mike76, that is amazing that she did those things to you and you never felt like hitting her back?

I mean my wife has hit me and spit on me mnay times and never felt like doing the same to her.

I don't even think what I did could be called hitting her.

It was more like: "Enough"!

[Mike76]

Mike76, that is amazing that she did those things to you and you never felt like hitting her back?

I mean my wife has hit me and spit on me mnay times and never felt like doing the same to her.

I don't even think what I did could be called hitting her.

It was more like: "Enough"!

Wanted to or felt like hitting... .  I guess a couple times, but I know it is wrong and I talk myself out of it. 

I think my biggest fear is the same thing that has happened to you (rewards), someday I will hit\slap back as you said( enough is enough).   I will get blamed just the same as you, and then need to deal with the same crap as you are right now. 

We meet with the marriage therapist again tonight,  my only goal talking about this abuse.

[ForeverDad]

I want the best, but I don't see how I could go back. Especially that she will use the threat of calling the police all the time over me.

I don't think anyone here wants you to go back, especially long term as she is.

However, there is a possibility that she may want you back at some point.  If that happens you may decide to carefully weave that into your legal strategy.  You could very vaguely say maybe you would work things out with her but... .    But you can't come back as long as there is a bleck mark on your record and a potential case in the future.  Put it on her to undo it - if your state allows things like that to be dropped.  (An added complication is whether an arrest that is later dismissed can be used agianst you in the future.  In some way it would be good to get a written recanting from her of her claims.)

If all that happened, her wanting you back and her undoing the complaint, then you two would hopefully be back on a relatively equal level again legally and you could 'then' at that point 'reconsider' and decide to separate anyway, doing so as peacefully, quickly and non-confrontationally as possible.  (Of course you would never indicate you ever led her on, since you never actually promised anything definite and besides a person always has the right to reconsider.)

Does that make sense?  It may never happen, but it could.  In my case, I was totally rejected and in 7+ years my ex has never tried to reconcile.  Mine didn't, many don't, but no one knows if your wife might.

I get the feeling she might want you back at some point since she is so accustomed to having you watch the kids.  However, if you're paying her to hire a sitter, then she might not have any incentive to want you back since you're paying for your replacement.

And most certainly don't go back even briefly if she succeeds in having your record marred by this incident.  There's no point and it would put you at high risk for additional allegations.

[sfbayjed]

There would be risk involved if you went back. She will hold the incident over your head. Her negative behaviors could esculate and cross new boundries. Your "buttons" will be pushed constantly and the kids will see it all. She might, no she  WILL call the cops again.   You dont want to be with someone whos wanting to call the cops on you all the time or someone who frustrates you that much.  She isn't normal.     I went back to mine. I would advise against it, just more months or years in the fog and maybe another arrest.

[Matt]

Do you have a criminal defense attorney, or a family law attorney?

[yeeter]

Do you have a criminal defense attorney, or a family law attorney?

You might be able to get some guidance from this organization:

www.fathersandfamilies.org/

[Rewards2]

Lawyers, I have, yes, One for the criminal and one for the family part.

It hurts. I saw all the kids together last night for the first time.

I tried to avoid this.

But I agree that going back is not healthy.

[Matt]

Your first concern has to be getting the best outcome to the criminal case.  You don't want a criminal conviction on your record.

And helping the kids through this time.  How are they doing?

Think about the relationship later.  You certainly can't deal with it well if you're too stressed about the criminal case.  (That was my experience anyway.)