Does it get any better?

[FoolishOne]

It's after 4:00 in the monring and here I sit wondering how the Hell I got here.  Yes, I am to blame and yes I am 100% accountable and responsible for all of my misery and unhappiness.

I had every opportunity to get out long before it came to this.  Every friend I have, said to run.  They saw the craziness.  They saw the impossible future.  I saw a beautiful chick that promised me the moon and stars.  A hot chick that wanted nothing but to be my lover, my wife and my best friend.  She literally adored me and did her best to please me.

I think we all know where it goes from there.  I feel so ashamed that I did what I did for her.  But, let's be honest shall we?  I did it for myself.  I know a lot of people on these boards share their grief and sadness for falling prey to the BPD.  I can't and won't speak for anyone but myself... .  but if anyone can relate, chime in... .  

Staying with a mentally ill individual comes with a price.  For me (and again, only speaking for me), it was one of the most selfish things I've ever done.  I unknowingly took advantage of the situation.  My "Looney" didn't pick me because I was exceptionally good looking, overly intelligent, a millionaire, or even that charasmatic.  She chose me because she could.  I was someone that could be latched on to and taken.  She identified me as a strong source of constant affirmation and acceptance to an individual so devoid of any self-esteem, self-worth, or self image.  My continual words of praise and admiration were drank up like water to someone literally dying of thirst.  I provided the parasite a steady diet of life-giving emotional nurturing. My association helped her ease the pain of self doubt and a painful past that she can't face. 

So, I've spent some words on what she got from me... .  sounds so imbalanced doesn't it?  Like I said, so many of the posts here are endless stories of lies, betrayal, deceit, ranting, raving, raging, screaming, mental abuse, physical abuse, cruelty beyond words... .  and horrific stories of cheating, stealing and in some cases, even worse.  It breaks one's heart with every entry... .  and new entries come in every day with their incredulous tales... .  As mentioned, I cannot possibly know the situations represented with each post... .  my heart truly goes out to them all... .  all I can relay is the Foolish One's own admission of guilt for all to see... .  

For the record, I got every damn thing I deserved.  Why... .  because I am just as guilty as her... .  did I do those evil things mentioned above?  NO... .  hardly... .  I did mostly the opposite... .  I thought I was there for her as much as possible to quell her concerns, to ease her pain and make her feel good about herself.  So what were my sins?

I sacrificed my very soul to be with someone because I thought she was out of my league.  I gave up my dignity... .  I offered up my self-respect... .  I placed my son (my most precious thing on this earth) in the presence of insanity... .  I submitted my very manhood in order to put another dime in the jukebox.  We call them mentally ill... .  and that they are... .  but was I in my right mind when I stayed after she left me for another man the first time?  Maybe not.  Would I be considered mentally stable if I stayed after she lied about having an abortion with my kid just so she could cover her tracks to cheat on me?  Probably.  Could my sanity be questioned if I took her back after cheating on me again?  It's getting harder and harder to defend me now isn't it?  When she gave me Herpes after I took her back the last time... .  would that be the act of someone mentally functional?  The jury is in and the verdict is "not".

No, all I need to do is look in the mirror and see an individual as equally to blame for his own misery.  Sure, Looney was and is looney.  I can't love her out of it.  She can't self-repair, and her affliction will prevent her from seeking treatment for herself... .  so her fate is sealed.  However, I knew better and still dove to the deep end of the insanity pool.  I swam as long as I could until I could swim no more. 

Yes, my co-dependency, my insecurities, my character flaws are just as evident, just as relevant and just as dispicable as her off-setting offenses.

I accused her of not taking accountabilty, responsibility or blame for any of her deeds.  Likewise, I turned my head when I knew my life was in a spinning vortex. My interest was purely just as selfish as hers.  I was not in it for her... .  I was in it for me.  Having mind blowing sex with her seemed to make it alright.  Looking at her beautful face justified the torment.  I lashed out above, that my words of affirmation were like a drink for a man dying of thirst, but touching that near-perfect body was my "drink" as well. 

If one needs to find an example of a symbiotic relationship, I offer the BPD / non-BPD r/s.  It doesn't last long, but it is a good enough example of two sick individuals that are clinging on to each other for dear life... .  for the wrong reasons.  It is no surprise that it doesn't last.  Such a disingenuous union is doomed to fail.  What man would want a woman that is only there so she can temporarily feel good about herself?  What woman would want a man that is there because of her looks?

Ok... .  I'll admit I've been a little rough here on both parties... .  but isn't this whole oreal a little rough anyway?  I mean... .  for me... .  it's as rough as it gets.  Lives are ruined... .  and not just the participating dysfunctionals... .  but there is a heavy amount of collateral damage from these doomed relationships.  It affects so many lives and causes distress and sorrow for years to come (if not for a lifetime).

The moral of this post?  I only ask that we all take a deep and honest look at ourselves.  Why the Hell would be allow ourselves to be exposed to such cruelty and admonition?  Why would anyone continue to get unjustifiably punished for things we know weren't or fault?  Why would we subject ourselves to a continual barrage of insults, incinuataions, snide remarks, condescending statments, and absolute lies?  Why would we allow someone to violate our trust and sleep with others, repeatedly?

As dark as this post may have been, there is good news to end on, and here it comes... .  The ONLY real difference I can perceive between the BPD and the Non is that we have the ability to look in the mirror and effect change.  We can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, clean ourselves up and start anew.  The BPD is doomed to a life of desperately clinging to someone else to provide them with what they cannot supply for themselves (come short of DBT).  We can break out of the prison of co-dependency and insecurity. 

Please know that I am not out of the BPD woods just yet.  My BPDw is currently residing in her castle, expecting me to do what I've done a million times before... .  fall down on my kness, prostrate myself before her and beg for yet, another chance.  Each and every time I've done this, it keeps harder and harder to put that dime in the jukebox and dance again.  This time, I have been standing up to her acusations.  This time I have regrown my balls and a backbone... .  and this time I decided to fight back... .  regardless of the consequences... .  and I think we know what those consequences are.

So, when she tests the limits as she probably will, I will hold my ground.  I won't be rude, but I will be firm.  When she starts in on how all this is my fault, I will chose to deflect, rather than engage.  And when she shares her apathy, indifference and ambivalence toward our marriage, I will take that as a cue that she no longer wishes to be yoked to such a sinner as I.

My birthday is February 8th... .  I will be 50.  With any luck, I will make that date my personal Independence Day.  We'll see.  Your prayers are always welcomed and appreciated.

In closing, I only ask you to consider the possibility that maybe you have an equal share in your personal disaster.  Maybe if you had a handle on things, you would have walked away long before the craziness set up camp in your head and in your bed.  Thank you for taking time to reflect on this post.  I welcome any and all feedback. I know my point is made by now, and I hope it hasn't offended anyone here.  If so, forgive me for I am only proclaiming my own vices for all to see.  If you can relate, share your thoughts... .    If you can't relate, then disregard my ramblings and thank God you aren't as screwed up as me. 

[happiness68]

FoolishOne - re-read what you've written here in the paragraph.  Read it again and again - this is your saviour.  It shows that you have it in you to come out of this.  We all do.  Yes, you're right we're partly responsible for how we're feeling.  I feel very angry with myself that I let myself get involved in what has led me to feel the way I do now.  However,  yes, me, like you, I will pick myself up, dust myself down and start all over again.  We will all come bouncing back.  We are works in progress. Try not to be so hard on yourself 

As dark as this post may have been, there is good news to end on, and here it comes... .  The ONLY real difference I can perceive between the BPD and the Non is that we have the ability to look in the mirror and effect change.  We can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, clean ourselves up and start anew.  The BPD is doomed to a life of desperately clinging to someone else to provide them with what they cannot supply for themselves (come short of DBT).  We can break out of the prison of co-dependency and insecurity. 

[heavenward]

Hi Foolishone

I am so sorry to see that it looks like you are now punishing yourself also for what has happened.  

I read one of your other posts about your situation and your wife.

my uBPDh and I were friends - for a short time first.  I am a born again christian.  he then became a born again christian because he could see what I had.    we started a relationship and prayed together etc it was lovely.  he was caring and easy going, loving and supportive.  we had a wonderful relationship.  but    then he found it difficult to go to church, we prayed together less etc  -   but we still got married.

"By their fruit ye shall know them"... .  

I stayed for 21 months because     I was hoping that the man I met and fell in love with would return once he got better - once he wasn't depressed.   after about 5 months I knew this isn't just depression.    I still waited hoping the man I fell in love with would return... .  

I do take responsibility for the hope I had... .  but my hope should never have been in my H.

I take responsibility for staying as long as I did.     had I known I would never have started the relationship... .  but the thing is I didn't know... .  the relationship started with someone mirroring my behaviour so it was a deceit from the start... .  my h hid what he was like until we were married.

From your post I think you have endured for longer than I have - but perhaps your hope was misplaced also.  You sound very hurt and angry with yourself, but when we want what looks like it could be the perfect relationship  we can do some things which aren't perhaps the wisest things to do.

I think we have all put up with things we thought we never would.

I feel like the last two and half years have been stolen from me - but I was the one who put up with,  I didn't want the shame of a failed marriage,  I wanted to stick it out until things got better until the lovely man I met (who was unfortunately ill then and still is - so it wasn't terribly real) returned.

But for me I am not going to dwell on those things.  For me I am returning to peace and calm and order.


I hope you get some support and help. Don't wait until your birthday - start now on helping you.

take care.

[Validation78]

Hey foolishOne!

I too think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Many of us would agree, that staying in a relationship with a pwBPD means that there is something a bit off in us, yes. However, it's not necessarily a character flaw, All over the boards, we talk about nons being codependents. We also talk about FOG, fear obligation and guilt being responsible for our staying. Does that make us crazy, bad, flawed? I don't think so! I admit to having codependent tendencies, no doubt. I admit to being fearful at first, feeling obligated to uphold my wedding vows, at first, and feeling guilty for even considering doing the thing my BPDh feared the most, leaving him. It took me time to work through all of that. I didn't attempt to stay because there was something lacking in me, I attempted to stay because I believed that there was a chance that he would exhibit some desire to get better, and I owed it to him, myself, and my marriage to give it a chance. That's not a flaw in me, that's a strength. I knew it would be hard, and I chose to try anyway, and so did you, perhaps for these and other reasons, yet you stuck with it! I look all around me and see people jumping ship on their commitments as soon as the going gets rough. I see those of us who at least give it a go, and give our partners the benefit of the doubt, an opportunity to get better, as the kind I person I strive to be. I wanted to feel like I did everything in my power to make it work, to avoid feeling guilty for the rest of my life!

I am in some small way a bit mad at myself for not seeing the signs before we were married, so I discussed it with T. I was assured that what I experienced during the courtship was a charming man, who really loved me, wanted the best for me, and it wasn't a deliberate dup. He is that nice, thoughtful man, the only thing I didn't know was the other side of him, and there really wasn't much revealed before the I do, to let me know that. SO, I have to forgive myself, as I have forgiven him. It will all come in time. Maybe you need to forgive yourself too for what you see as your short comings. I don't believe that any of us act with bad intentions, and I think after being exposed to the emotional abuse and conditioning, we should be gentle on ourselves! It's a whole new experience for me!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[happiness68]

I agree with you Val78.  Us nons offer unconditional love, we keep trying looking at the best in our BPD's.  It's not such a big flaw.  Try to be kind to yourself FoolishOne.  Make it easier on yourself.  Read again the paragraph I quote above from your own post.

Hey foolishOne!

I too think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Many of us would agree, that staying in a relationship with a pwBPD means that there is something a bit off in us, yes. However, it's not necessarily a character flaw, All over the boards, we talk about nons being codependents. We also talk about FOG, fear obligation and guilt being responsible for our staying. Does that make us crazy, bad, flawed? I don't think so! I admit to having codependent tendencies, no doubt. I admit to being fearful at first, feeling obligated to uphold my wedding vows, at first, and feeling guilty for even considering doing the thing my BPDh feared the most, leaving him. It took me time to work through all of that. I didn't attempt to stay because there was something lacking in me, I attempted to stay because I believed that there was a chance that he would exhibit some desire to get better, and I owed it to him, myself, and my marriage to give it a chance. That's not a flaw in me, that's a strength. I knew it would be hard, and I chose to try anyway, and so did you, perhaps for these and other reasons, yet you stuck with it! I look all around me and see people jumping ship on their commitments as soon as the going gets rough. I see those of us who at least give it a go, and give our partners the benefit of the doubt, an opportunity to get better, as the kind I person I strive to be. I wanted to feel like I did everything in my power to make it work, to avoid feeling guilty for the rest of my life!

I am in some small way a bit mad at myself for not seeing the signs before we were married, so I discussed it with T. I was assured that what I experienced during the courtship was a charming man, who really loved me, wanted the best for me, and it wasn't a deliberate dup. He is that nice, thoughtful man, the only thing I didn't know was the other side of him, and there really wasn't much revealed before the I do, to let me know that. SO, I have to forgive myself, as I have forgiven him. It will all come in time. Maybe you need to forgive yourself too for what you see as your short comings. I don't believe that any of us act with bad intentions, and I think after being exposed to the emotional abuse and conditioning, we should be gentle on ourselves! It's a whole new experience for me!

Best Wishes,

Val78

[cookiecrumbled]

foolishOne -


I am sorry to do this -- but I refuse to accept your position that we did this to ourselves.  I personally had never even heard of BPD before January 6th when a google search led me to this board.  I fell in love with a wonderful man and expected him to be sane.  That is not an unreasonable expectation.  He left me without notice and has never given me answers and it is as if I dreamed the last year and a half.  I had to tell my crying children that I didn't know why Dr. Dave didn't want to be Mommy's friend anymore but that it had nothing to do with them and no, I don't know if we'll ever see him or X and Y (his son and daughter with whom we were very close) again.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend in the psych ward at the local hospital because I had lost the will to live.  After all, if I had spent a year and a half of my life with a man I thought was a great father, from an excellent family, was everything I wanted in a mate and more (smart, athletic, fun, passionate, loyal) - and did not see this coming - then how could I ever enter into another relationship with anyone?  I was either tricked or my judgment of character was so off that I had no hope for the future.  I still feel this way and believe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, which is a crying shame with all I have to offer someone - but I can't risk this happening to me again.  I did not know the red flags - I slowly gave him my heart over a period of six months, did not rush into anything, did not introduce the children until I was satisfied that we were serious and that he was a good person (6 months) and should not blame myself that he turned out to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs (sadistic, cruel, heartless).  He brought me down with him and my children almost lost their mother as a result.

I am completely embarrassed by my begging through texts, phone calls, emails.  I am mortified that I called his parents (we were close) and cried to them.  I am full of regret that I've put my friends through hell for the last six months.  It will likely take a very long time to repair some of those relationships b/c I got so tired of them saying, "It has been x weeks, months. You need to get over it!"  But I do not take the blame that it happened.  There is no way I could have known he had this disorder and that the mere expectation of rational behavior was futile.

Look at how many people are hurting just on this website.  There are obviously a lot of crazy people out there and as a full-time lawyer and single mom with three young boys, I don't have time to have a relationship anyway.  It has been 7 months since I've been intimate with another human being and may not ever again.  I have no idea where or what the love of my life is doing right now.  But the love of my life turned out to be insane and I will bear the scars of this relationship forever.  He apparently does not care one whit about me or my children.

I am a parent, so I must keep breathing.  But it doesn't mean I will be happy doing so.  I have made peace with the fact that I've been robbed of hope for a brighter future -- so I will invest myself in earning money and raising the boys.  One day, I do hope to let go of my anger at God for letting this happen.  That's another issue entirely.  But I had to say this to foolishOne - you can take whatever blame you wish, but I decline to do so in my case.  This is all on him.

Cookie

[Rose Tiger]

I'm a slow learner.  I hooked up with unhealthy partner after another.  I thought I was just unlucky in love.  It was them, not me.  Then the light went on.  I was the common denominator.  Crap!  Turns out being raised in an abusive family, molds you to be attracted to abusers.  Who knew?  I am an adult, I am responsible for my own choices, I didn't know that my automatic pilot was always set to flying into storm clouds.  Glad I know now because I can do something about that.  What is the that cliche, you learn more from mistakes than you do from successes.  I can't sit back and blame mommy and daddy for the rest of my life.  Well, I could but that doesn't sound fun.  They were messed up because their parents were messed up.  I suppose I could research where all this started, find that great great great grandparent, dig up their bones and spit on them.  Or I can look forward, start making amends to the people I have hurt, work on those core wounds to where unhealthy is not attractive.  Like Heavenward, my ex didn't show his true colors until after the wedding and I didn't want to face a failed marriage.  Like Val, giving it every chance wasn't a bad thing.  My ex was very charming, likeable, easy to love.  Not going to beat myself up about it, that belongs to some ancestor who threw the family off track.  I feel a bit fortunate because I see my siblings still in denial, still living the legacy, glad I got out!

[heavenward]

Onetoughcookie

I did the same,  went to my uBPDh parents - and I was in a right state.  His mum was sympathetic but his dad wasn't I'm afraid   -  I think that was because it meant my h going to stay with his mum and dad and his dad told me he didn't want him back?

don't be hard on yourself, remember you were in turmoil and you did the very best you could and what you thought was right at that time.  

Those who love you, will be there for you.  The "you should be over it by now"  could be because  they don't have the emotion involved, the sense of loss, of being deceived of having their world rocked (for me there is also the stealing of my time)   and the closeness of the children.

as for being angry with God - that is a different matter.  God does not allow things to happen, He gives us choices, would you allow your child to do something that was going to devistate or hurt them. God didn't want you going through this anymore than you did.  I hope that doesn't offend you but God loves you.

these relationships are so full of promise  which is short lived as reality kicks in.

[Rose Tiger]

One tough cookie,

I was angry with God for a while, couldn't He have arranged it so I never met the ex?  I went through a lot of 'why me' time?  I cried to my therapist that ex destroyed my deepest desire to be with a loving partner.  How can I ever trust again?  Still working on that one.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that God got me out.  I kept getting into impossible situations and here is God to the rescue, again.  Suffering is a hard concept to wrap your mind around, to start digging into the benefits of horrible experiences.  Nothing matures us like suffering.  Nothing develops our compassion for others like suffering.  We may be pulled through it kicking and screaming but this life is going to have suffering.  It is also going to have joy and love and healing and recovering.  I have coworkers getting upset over things and I think, that bothers you?  That is nothing.  I have compassion but it takes a lot to get me upset over anything now.  When you've been through the fire and survived, it's much easier to weather the little things.

I think when we've been so hurt and betrayed, our brains say 'we are never doing that again'.  Yet, statistically that is not true.  The majority of us will find another special someone.  We do need some recovery time first.  And I'll bet we become the best red flag spotters on earth in the meantime. 

[soma]

foolishOne

I am really sorry for your pain ... and i really admire your honesty and bravery to face all the situation

to be honest... i had questioning my mental state for being with  BPD bf!

how in world would anyone to be engaged in such relationship like that!

i have no idea why i cling to him :'(... sometimes i feel like I am gonna be his savior... maybe that one of my reasons...

i feel responsible somehow for him... like he is my KID or something like that!

of course I am extremely attracted to him physically!... and he is adorable lover   when he is calm and in peace!

one of my reasons too is that I had messy love life... and i wanted to settle... and and i know that obviously  is wrong choice... but i didn't want to lose... i didn't want to fail... .  I tired of failing

i wanted this to work out so much

I guess we all have our reasons... to be stuck in such relationship... we can't just blame it all on the BPD

anyway... .  i pitty him at the end... he can't get him self together to live normal stable life... and i think i am going to be out this relationship... before it consume me... i rather fail now... before it's too late

it's hard thou... cos i still have feelings for him... but i know... it's all doomed

[turtle]

FoolishOne --

Bravo!

Your honesty about how you assess your situation is great!

As you go through the process of extracting your ex from your life, you will examine and re-examine all of it -- and your part in it -- many different ways, that's to be expected.  The best part of your post is that you see that you can, and WILL choose a different life.

Kudos to you!



turtle

[waitaminute]

FoolishOne,

It's ok to take responsibility for not seeing her for who she is... .  Or for ignoring the red flags that must have been there. But that responsibility pertains to starting the relationship... .  not its failure.

My opinion: Let yourself off the hook for the failure of the rs. I say this not to help you feel better. But I say this because I've read your stories. And if you wrongly attribute the failure to yourself today, tomorrow's clarity will awaken you to the truth. And then you might have to go through a delayed anger phase. Better to face it today.

I have some difficulty understanding the dynamic and psychology of the maleBPD-femaleNON relationship. But I have no problem understanding what you went through. It's not wrong to enjoy the beautiful woman. It was her gift to you... .  or her lure. Makes no difference. It's a story as old as warm breath and blood. Your desire for her was not the reason the rs failed. And assuming she didn't start the rs with you by saying ":)ear FoolishOne, I will lie and cheat and deceive you. Come to me if you are strong enough", then you had a resonable expectation that her actions would be those conducive to a romantic partnership... .  not a preditor-prey relationship, not a user-used relationship.

We walked into an emotional minefield. Lets take responsibility for finding better maps... .  not for laying the mines and the explosions that tore at our hearts and souls.

[turtle]

And assuming she didn't start the rs with you by saying ":)ear FoolishOne, I will lie and cheat and deceive you. Come to me if you are strong enough", then you had a resonable expectation that her actions would be those conducive to a romantic partnership... .  not a preditor-prey relationship, not a user-used relationship.

We walked into an emotional minefield. Lets take responsibility for finding better maps... .  not for laying the mines and the explosions that tore at our hearts and souls.

Awesome!

We DO need to own our part,  and we DO need to examine why we kept returning to the insanity (once we saw that,) but waitaminute is right on target.  None of these people showed up on our doorsteps as a full blown emotional vampire.  If they had, NONE of us would be here, because the door would have been slammed and we would have stayed safe and warm inside!

Be kind to yourself FoolishOne.

You can only DO better when you KNOW better.  Now you KNOW better and your actions will follow.

turtle

[FoolishOne]

Awesome posts everyone... .  and I get it... .  believe me... .  I think I get it.  Cookie, forgive me... .  I tried my best to provide disclaimers that everyone's journey is unique... .  I have no idea what you went through or are going through.  What you read was a 4:00am lament... .  I was shouting at the moon... .  I think my posts are really more for me than anyone else.  Writing down my thoughts / feelings help manifest them more for me.  Otherwise, they are fleeting thoughts that get overshadowed by more harmful thoughts... .  thoughts of Looney and that gravatational pull we all know about.

However, if my post hit home with some of you, then continue to reply and let's talk it out.  I know misery loves company, but I don't want any part of that.  Choosing to be miserable is something I did by default, by staying with Looney.  I'd rather say, recovery loves company... .  so let's recover, rebuild and restore.

But, as stated, it is not and never will be my approach on these boards to pass judgement on anyone here but myself.  Some of you may think I am hard on myself, but honestly, I could be even harder.  I look back at this mess and feel like an absolute idiot for ever entering into the Devil's Den.  Foolish One will be my name for quite some time, but I look forward to changing it... .  

Thank you all for the free therapy... .  

F1

[jmc8899]

I saw signs in the beginning, but had no idea that he would suck me in, consume my energy and pretty much take over my life.   I am the kind of person who is nurturing and helpful, so unfortunately I am drawn to those who need help.   And I couldn't help him.   I did everything I could to show him I loved him and nothing was enough.  

Now, I am working on myself and figuring out why I am attracted to and attract those who are emotional vampires.  

[happiness68]

FoolishOne - you'll change your name when you're ready.  I don't think you'll be foolish for long.  "thanks for the free therapy" - that made me really laugh. I think that to myself all the time on here.  I feel like this site and the people here who've made me laugh, made me cry, whatever emotion I've felt, I thank you all so much and let's continue in re-building ourselves and getting back to those strong people and share our stories along the way, in time perhaps sharing the good news when we meet someone who deserves us ;-)

[turtle]

Now, I am working on myself and figuring out why I am attracted to and attract those who are emotional vampires.  

And this is the key.  Good for you jenna892!

[spaceace]

I can relate completely to your post and the pain you have endured. Totally.

Yes, we are to blame. IF we let the cycle repeat itself over and over.

That is the key why we are to blame for those who disagree.

I knew over a year and a half ago about BPD and even did DBT classes to better understand and cope. The wrong person went, it should have been my wife. It helped me yes but it didn't stop her. And there in lies the crux of this issue.

If I would have let it end a year and a half ago when she moved herself and her 3 kids out with no notice to them their life was about to change, and not see that as a BIG red flag that all was not well, I am to blame. I also would NOT be here todday with this hole in my heart, head in the mud trying to clean myself off yet again. Two more breakups since she moved out and did I learn anything?

You bet. I learned this is the last time. Married or not, I am not to blame. Oh, I have 50 percent to blame for things when there are things that need to be addressed and resolved. That is for sure. I don't deny that.

But when someone pulls the plug for a 3rd time and gives no explanation and then goes NC refusing any communication to take place, knowing this happened 2 other times, I am only fooling myself if I don't recognize the pattern and affect change.

So, I agree fully, it is our fault. IF we recycle the relationship like I did and like I hear you did. I am 48, just turned 48 a week ago. I understand... .  believe me I do... .  too many variables that we don't want to face. We are getting older. And this too can be worked on, it's better than being alone... right? ... .  But it really isn't better. These relationships are sickly relationships and there are no rules and no peace to be had no matter how hard we try.

That is why, I may be struggling, but I have done what I needed to do. Protect myself from this horror. This nightmare. Shut down the past and let it go. Accept the pain and move on. Maybe I won't forget the past. I don't know yet, but I can say this simple thing to myself when I am flooded with memories... STOP... .  and don't go there brother, let it go.

And that is what I am doing... stopping. Stopping the ruminating. Stopping the feeling of being responsible for someone who kicked me out. I am no longer responsible.

[Rose Tiger]

Happy late Birthday Spaceace. I picture Mel Gibson from Braveheart in your post, yelling "Freedom!" 

[almost789]

Hi foolishone, i agree with you. I own my part in even being in this relationship. I shouldnt have been. I saw signs. My continuance to invest myself in the relationship with him when i knew there was something very wrong. My fault. I think this was a big turning point for me. Not playing the victim any longer and owning my part. Yes, he decieved me, especially early on ,but i still saw things which i chose to ignore.

[myself]

I'd rather say, recovery loves company... .  so let's recover, rebuild and restore.

I'd say this shows it's already 'getting better'... .  And: I'm IN! Let's do it!

[FoolishOne]

Myself... .  I talk a good game but right this moment I am struggling like a burned out junkie in a dark alley.  Those damned ruminataions creep in and take hold... .  they are like demons.  So far, so good... .  but recovery is fragile, isn't it?

[redfeather]

 

FoolishOne I couldn't agree more with your opening. You hit the nail on the head, the common denominator in our suffering after we recognized we had stepped aboard the train to LooneyTuneville is us. These people cannot  engage with those who see their craziness and run or those of us who became involved then got dropped on our heads then figure it all out and RUN.

What you wrote was not only well written but should be required reading for those who become stuck in questioning themselves ad nauseum ie did I love them enough?, did I forgive enough? blah blah blah.

This is a SERIOUS mental illness not just people having a "bad day" NO these people are a sucking vortex of doom. Almost 99% of the stories unfold and end the same way for the thousand of my fellow travelers who are lucky enough to FIND this site. I would suspect nearly that percentage of those on the staying board end up back on the leaving board because you cant fight crazy... .  So what is my point you might ask?

Its this... .  when you give an individual 100% of your love, adoration and attention and they go off to pluck Sue or Bob and toss your "love" into the trash along with all the others who precede you then guess what? WALK AWAY... get off the battlefield grabbing your torn heart as you go but get away. And unless you have children with them STAY AWAY.

For every time I wanted to call,text my ex I came on here. When I thought it a good idea to show up at her apartment I went for a walk... sometimes I cried but I walked and walked and walked. Or I went to visit friends. My family. Rode my bicycle.

I promise you the pain of being dumped once hurts aLOT less than going back for 2nd, 3rd and fourth servings of crazy. Because while you are off getting yourself back to functional they have been off notching another one to their headboard!   

[FoolishOne]

Thanks Redfeather... .  my ramblings are the result of a polluted mind that has been brainwashed over the years.  We are on the same page regarding the stats... .  Oh sure, there are a few success stories... .  stories of triumph over adversity and patience over impetuousness... .  but the odds are so incredibly slim.  I am honest enough to say that I am not strong enough, not patient enough, and not humble enough to withstand a life with someone that has the capacity to inflict such pain and malice without much forethought or remorse.

I could not look myself in the mirror after another affair... .  how could I?  What man would stand for that again and again and again?

Anyway... .  even as I type these courageous words, I am weakening... .  I keep reflecting on what  she's doing and who's she with.  I keep thinking how incredibly unfair it is that she has such justification to paint me black with such confidence... .  I hate that. 

But, that's why I post here.  I put thought into print and the print is reality.  Manifesting those thoughts wil help me (and maybe others as well) see the stupidity.  It just doesn't make sense once you put it through the wringer... .  

And I've been through the wringer many times today.

F1

[daybreak]

FoolishOne,

I may have a slightly different perspective than some.  Of course every human has baggage in varying levels from childhood and from other times in life that may make them more vulnerable to a BPD relationship; But I have developed an opinion that many or most people that fall in love with a BPD person are simply capable of love in a very deep, lasting and mature way... .  making the breakup of that relationship profoundly difficult for the NON, as it would be in any other deeply loving relationship that the NON may be involved in.

So... .  you are beating yourself up for loving deeply and unconditionally and for having a difficult time turning loose... .  no great sin in that.  But she's 3 years old emotionally and cannot love... .  she doesn't have a clue what true love is... .  you have nothing with her, never will and you know that intellectually.  You are not totally "destroyed"... .  but it could happen... .  if you don't stop.  You have to look at her as your total enemy... .  out to destroy you, which is true.

You have to download truth and  knowledge to your brain that will eventually, over time, slowly move from your intellect to your emotions.  Your perspective and perceptions regarding her and the entire relationship will start changing in your soul... .  and her power over you will diminish and eventually evaporate.

The most valuable asset you have is your life... .  it's very precious... .  don't waste it and give it away for nothing.

[redfeather]

 

If you are rambling FoolishOne then please ramble on. What you speak is the truth... .  Not the truth our minds try to slip in on us when we are feeling lonely weak and human that just this one more try an all out 200% effort on yours or my part will yield us the result we seek from this incredibly mentally ill person.

No not that truth but the REAL truth in all this: We played our part to the hilt given the way we are emotionally constructed ie "rescuer, codependent, knight in shining armor syndrome" and this person played there part ie victim,waif,emotional vampire given their damage. You are a very strong man for being able to see your part in all of this and make changes for you... Of course it is at times hard to resist their sirens song but after being tossed away as easily as yesterday's trash this time something stirred in me and I think it was my soul calling out for my healing. Nothing I could do for her and I like you grabbed my balls out her mouth and retreated to yon corner to re-attach them!

I have been away from mine for over a year now. I cut off all contact. She has over and over tried to contact me and as every day passed without me reaching out a sense of pride developed in me a sense of self love. Your post reminded me again why I made this choice... I was just as sick as my pwBPD and if I did not retreat and heal my wounds I would repeat this soul destroying behavior with perhaps her but most assuredly with another carbon copy of her. I like you am about to turn 50... and I ask myself in my almost 5th decade on earth... can I do better? Yes I can but not with a crazy person in tow.  

[TheRealSully]

I have no idea where or what the love of my life is doing right now.  But the love of my life turned out to be insane and I will bear the scars of this relationship forever.

I have to go with cookie on this one.  Her whole post was right on... .  especially the little snippet above.  

Though, if I were cheated on more than once, I would probably have got out of any relationship too. 

[FoolishOne]

Daybreak, I understand the we are deep lovers and that we are compassionate creatures... .  All that makes sense... .  what I am talking about is more along the lines of plain old common sense.  If you had a son that was involved with a pwBPD as I was, and he told you tales similar to those I have on this board, I think you would strongly encourage him to get out.  But if he insisted on staying in that toxic hell, then you would want him to seek help.  Sometimes if we step outside of ourselves and superimpose this situation over someone we deeply care about, it may provide a different perspective altogether.  I know that if my son were involved with a destructive woman and he had difficulty leaving, I would do everything in my power to pull him from the wreakage.  I would tell him he can do better... .  no matter what she looks like.

It just isn't natural for a healthy human being to accept what the typical Non accepts.

Again, it's disclaimer time here... .  my observations are based solely on the one Non that I know intimately... .  myself.  But if anyone acted as I have these past few years, I would say they have issues that need addressed immediately.  First, leave the disaster before it becomes more of a disaster.  Then, find out what the hell is in your psyche to allow such a creature to enter your life and more importantly, for them to stay, set up camp, destroy you and then have you chase after them.

Anyway, my words are more for me than anyone at this point... .  let's just say I am talking to myslf and just happen to be typing the words as I speak.  This self-therapy is one of many techniques I need to employ to go cold turkey.  The demons are swirling around my head... .  wish me luck, I'll need it.

F1

[patientandclear]

foolishOne -


I am sorry to do this -- but I refuse to accept your position that we did this to ourselves.  I personally had never even heard of BPD before January 6th when a google search led me to this board.  I fell in love with a wonderful man and expected him to be sane.  That is not an unreasonable expectation.  He left me without notice and has never given me answers and it is as if I dreamed the last year and a half.  I had to tell my crying children that I didn't know why Dr. Dave didn't want to be Mommy's friend anymore but that it had nothing to do with them and no, I don't know if we'll ever see him or X and Y (his son and daughter with whom we were very close) again.

I spent Thanksgiving weekend in the psych ward at the local hospital because I had lost the will to live.  After all, if I had spent a year and a half of my life with a man I thought was a great father, from an excellent family, was everything I wanted in a mate and more (smart, athletic, fun, passionate, loyal) - and did not see this coming - then how could I ever enter into another relationship with anyone?  I was either tricked or my judgment of character was so off that I had no hope for the future.  I still feel this way and believe I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life, which is a crying shame with all I have to offer someone - but I can't risk this happening to me again.  I did not know the red flags - I slowly gave him my heart over a period of six months, did not rush into anything, did not introduce the children until I was satisfied that we were serious and that he was a good person (6 months) and should not blame myself that he turned out to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs (sadistic, cruel, heartless).  He brought me down with him and my children almost lost their mother as a result.

I am completely embarrassed by my begging through texts, phone calls, emails.  I am mortified that I called his parents (we were close) and cried to them.  I am full of regret that I've put my friends through hell for the last six months.  It will likely take a very long time to repair some of those relationships b/c I got so tired of them saying, "It has been x weeks, months. You need to get over it!"  But I do not take the blame that it happened.  There is no way I could have known he had this disorder and that the mere expectation of rational behavior was futile.

Look at how many people are hurting just on this website.  There are obviously a lot of crazy people out there and as a full-time lawyer and single mom with three young boys, I don't have time to have a relationship anyway.  It has been 7 months since I've been intimate with another human being and may not ever again.  I have no idea where or what the love of my life is doing right now.  But the love of my life turned out to be insane and I will bear the scars of this relationship forever.  He apparently does not care one whit about me or my children.

I am a parent, so I must keep breathing.  But it doesn't mean I will be happy doing so.  I have made peace with the fact that I've been robbed of hope for a brighter future -- so I will invest myself in earning money and raising the boys.  One day, I do hope to let go of my anger at God for letting this happen.  That's another issue entirely.  But I had to say this to foolishOne - you can take whatever blame you wish, but I decline to do so in my case.  This is all on him.

Cookie

Cookie: I agree entirely.  Though I'd note our feeling probably stems from the particular chronology we & some others experienced -- everything great, till it wasn't, no warning, no staying, no co-dependent helping.  Just -- over.  That's how it was for me, too.  And I agree, I don't think I contributed in any way to the awfulness.  I felt everything you are saying now--I will never love again, be loved again, I'm scarred forever by this.

To some degree actually, those feelings are still present.  However, I am able to get enjoyment out of life again (18 months out from the breakup now).  For what that's worth.

I have found a measure of healing, though, in understanding what my ex-partner was dealing with and finding forgiveness for his actions.  It doesn't change how much they hurt me then, but my continuing hurt is mitigated by knowing that his good feelings turned to bad against his will, without any conscious choice by him, and without him having any tools to work with to deal with that.  Something goes haywire for him when things are good and close.  That's awful for him, as well as whoever is close to him at the time.

But I completely agree that I did not cause this and I did not contribute to the awfulness.  I think the message that we need to remake ourselves is not always correct.  I'm not sure we (you, from what it sounds like; me; others on here) did anything problematic at all.

[really]

F1,

Thank you for this post.    I could have written almost every word about my own situation.   

I swing from accepting all the responsibility (my own self esteem) issues to (justified) anger.

I gave my ex 1000%.  I put up with the lies about the ending of her previous relationship, because I attributed her behaviour to stress and immaturity.   It was far much more than this though.  It is a disorder that affects every aspect of her being.

Stupidly I tried (post breakup) to get her to be honest about the cheating with my replacement... .  And one year on she couldn't even do that.   That of itself tells me that her sense of shame, lack of empathy, need to paint me a villan and run to her enablers to support her in that are a fundamental part of her makeup.\

Cookie, I have come very close to ending up in a psych ward myself.  I could not contemplate how I had given everything to someone and have it all dismissed so easily.    I also had never heard of BPD until after my breakup... .  the psychologist I went to speak to to get answers to the question "what the hell happened" said [Really], I have no doubt your partner suffers from something called Borderline Personality Disorder... .  it's the most classic case I have come across in 25 years of practice".  That didn't help me rid myself of angst, grief, or self loathing but it has helped save me (just) from a complete breakdown.

I suspect I will swing from blaming myself to her for a good while yet, but I am determined to deal with my own issues.  F1 as you said we (nons) have the ability to look in the mirror and effect change.  We can pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, clean ourselves up and start anew.   

For me looking in the mirror has taken a long time.    But slowly and surely I am edging towards it... .  my ex continues to run from her issues.

My friends (who have never experienced a BPD relationship) have at times struggled to understand why I have found this all so difficult.    Now that I am starting to get to a more settled state of mind (although far from out of the woods) I am finding it easier to speak to them about it and my friends (particularly my mate's wives) also seem to have a better understanding of where I am coming from.

At the very least it's good that we can articulate our feelings, and have a degree of self analysis.   Sadly I suspect our BPDexs will never be able to.  And it must be a pretty sad way to live your life to be unable to have empathy or understanding of what you put others through.

Listening to the Lance Armstrong interview over the weekend really made me reflect on that issue.    For all his supposed remorse I think he has a long way to go to appreciate the suffering that his actions inflicted on others.    But even he is much further forward than my ex.