Redeeming qualities?

[wowjer]

Can anybody offer a short list of redeeming qualities of their ex outside of anything physical? 

A girl... .  friend proposed this question to me about my exuBPDw.  She asked me to provide any redeeming qualities that kept me in the relationship so long.  I am stuck.  I asked my mother to assist. 

I asked "take the emotion out of it as much as you can, can you give me 1 or 2 redeeming qualities that XXXXXX has"?

If this is the case where i cannot identify any, then I should be able to detach easier shouldnt i? 

I am just hoping that some can be posted so i can compare and contrast because I am lacking the insight to identify any and it is somewhat concerning. 

Off the top of my head. 

She is not a good mother

She is extremely dishonset

She is a cheat

She has no goals in life

She is lazy

She lacks motivation

Her communication skills are horrible

She mismanages her anger

She was a horrible cook

She did NOTHING around the house

She could not accept responsibility for ANYTHING

She never said sorry

She was not loving

She didnt even know my birthdate after 9 years together. 

She had absolutely no direction and changes career goals every 6 months. 

I really want to find something positive and I cannot right now.  Especially now that all the reality is hitting me in the face.  I understand that the biggest issue is my ego and my kids.  However, I just want to find one redeeming quality. 

Can anybody provide ONE or more with their own?  Maybe i can use it to assist in helping me realize HOW i stayed so long. 

[gina louise]

My stbXh had many fine qualities.

he is skilled at his work and in a very technical/in demand way. good earning potential when he felt like working. (Lazy as hell in the Dark Side-felt extreme entitlement-didn't want to work)

he had a good sense of humor. not in a "telling jokes" way but a sense of what was funny. he could be silly, too. (could be insulting in the Dark Side)

very neat, tidy and organized.   ( Inflexible and Rigid in the Dark Side)

good dad when his kids were young-very active. not as good as they got older and he lost touch with what they wanted to do... .  not as concerned with their interests- He felt "discarded" as they grew and got busier. (which led him to avoid spending time with them unless he wanted them to Do something for him!)

good friend to his friends. able to socialize. (which let him be too busy to spend time with me, his wife... )

he liked to cook.

could be cuddly and affectionate-but the flip side was he was also too demanding and self centered.

Knew his mind (Opinionated and Arrogant on the Dark Side)

not that hard. but I still kinda like my H.

I don't feel like running back to him. But I see him as Troubled... not Evil Incarnate.

GL

[Justadude]

Everything is redeemable if you're compatible. Often times, mental health challenges get in the way.

[seeking balance]

wowjer - could this be a little black/white thinking on your part?   

detaching made easier... .  hmmm... .  it's not gonna be easy hon, it hurts.  Being in a relationship with a BPD is a bond unlike any healthy past relationships - we are mirrored at our very best and worst - no... .  nothing easy about detaching.

[FoolishOne]

I agee SB... .  it's not a Franklin T scenario... .  My BPDw has a lot of amazing and redeeming characteristics... .  it wouldn't be fair to paint her as black as she's painted me.  She's very talented (singer / dancer), she is highly intelligent, great sense of humor, gifted with many special arts/crafts talents, a good cook (when she cooked), very tech saavy, and the list goes on.  Her looks weren't the only thing that lured me in.

But honestly wowjer... .  no matter what characteristics or traits they bring to the table... .  crazy is crazy... .  and that's all it takes to ruin things. 

F1

[Rose Tiger]

I don't think it's the redeeming qualities that hook us so deeply.  Learning about Stockholm Syndrome and what hooked the hostages.  It was the occasional absense of abuse that molded appreciation.  It's being so grateful for not getting emotionally beat up.  The way the mind works is fascinating to me, we get hooked into finally being treated nice, once in a while, intermittent.  It's not the wonderful souffle that they suddenly cook up.

The gal who was kidnapped as a preteen by that monster.  Had two children with him.  I wonder if she misses him, like I miss the ex.     I think about her a lot, how she is doing and what does her recovery involve.

[FoolishOne]

I agree Rose, the mind is truly amazingly complex... .  for me I think it was a combination of it all... .  Stockholm Syndrome, Beauty, other redeeming characteristics... .  and let's not forget my own issues.

F1

[ambi]

I would guess she had wonderful kids and she picked a good man to have them with.

[Confusedandhurt]

My ex, other than being physically beautiful, was very smart, had a good sense of humor, was multi-cultural, and adored me - unless she was raging, splitting, accusing me of things I didn't do, lying to me, or dating other guys behind my back.

Yup, that about sums it up... .  

[myself]

I don't think it's the redeeming qualities that hook us so deeply.  Learning about Stockholm Syndrome and what hooked the hostages.  It was the occasional absense of abuse that molded appreciation.  It's being so grateful for not getting emotionally beat up.  The way the mind works is fascinating to me, we get hooked into finally being treated nice, once in a while, intermittent.  It's not the wonderful souffle that they suddenly cook up.

Is it more the illness, or the intent, that causes the abuse? Does the illness make the pwBPD act out, and then they feel they have to keep acting out, aware of what they're doing, as a cover up or continuation of what has already occurred? A list of either redeeming or non-redeeming qualities could be very different were it known how much of the abuse was intentional or not. How much was illness? How much was conscious?

[wowjer]

I appreciate the assistance from all. However I seriously cannot relate. It may look as I am painting her black, but I am struggling with this.

I overall think that she had a great sense of humor when she wanted one. However, as she wavered so quickly from one emotion to the next, I don't think I can define that as redeemning.

I can say she is a hard worker, but only when it pertained to her. In any attempt to grow and work harder to provide more for our children is entirely lacking.

I used to say that she is a good mother. However getting up one day and moving in with another guy when you are married and having him directly involved with the kids. Making my 7 year old cry because she constantly sees her mom now kissing NOT her dad sort of cancels out the "good mom theory".

It isn't that I did not see a lot of potential in my ex. However, i have never met a girl who just willingly signed her kids away for 5 full days per week without the courts involvement.

I am trying to think about this in regards to me. Not really her. I really think the only thing that kept me caring is my hope that she would grow.

Really, I am not angered as I think about this. I am confused into how and why this happened. Not everybody are meant to be mothers. I tried to rescue somebody that did not want to be rescued. My bad.

Sometimes crappy people are just crappy people. I chose one that never wanted to stop being 20.

Writing can at times be interpreted many different ways. I didn't try to sound mean. I spoke the truth about my ex and her actions have led to the conclusions. This whole thought has been extremly enlightening to me. I have a lot of work to do with myself.

[Rose Tiger]

Ex has some great qualities but that isn't what kept me hooked.  It was the sudden announcement that he wanted a divorce that had me spinning into constant tailspins.  I couldn't sleep when he'd announce this.  I was an emotional wreak.  I'd cry constantly.  I was a mess at work.  And he wouldn't talk about it other than he want a divorce because of X, Y, Z.  So I would work to correct x y z.  And then things would be ok for a while until the next cycle.  I was a walking on eggshell fool.  Trauma bonded like crazy glue.  It wasn't his redeeming qualities that had me hooked, it was being ever so grateful when he turned off the electric cattle prod of emotional hell that made me love him.

The big fight happened when he said he wanted a divorce and I opened the closet door, grabbed some of his hangers of clothes and said, I'll help you move out.  Hell hath no fury like a pwBPD scorned. 

[gina louise]

Rose Tiger,

The big fight happened when he said he wanted a divorce and I opened the closet door, grabbed some of his hangers of clothes and said, I'll help you move out.  Hell hath no fury like a pwBPD scorned. 

I think I did the same thing when I called his bluff the last time -he said I'm seeing a lawyer about divorce (in a text from work) I was stunned, but not really... .  he kept threatening, in different ways.

It's like you hear the train's whistle from far away-but MAN it looks so big up close, when you are standing next to the tracks! I heard the train coming this time, I guess.

I took him seriously and arranged for a place to move myself to-in a matter of days.

I think HE was the one stunned, when I actually did something. And he was left alone in the house.

GL

[waitaminute]

Actually she had a mix of qualities. Some were wonderful, some not so wonderful.

Not sure this is really helpful to go over the bad stuff. Many of us would have accepted the person with all their faults. The reason for leaving was a mental illness that prevented an enduring mutual give and take relationship.

And the reason it's not helpful is because if you justify leaving or detaching by the list of oh-so-human faults, one day you wake up and think you made a mistake... .  That you could have made it work. But it's not the case.

[Changed4safety]

Mine was very witty and clever.  Very intelligent with a wide knowledge of many subjects.  Creative costumer and prop maker.  Deeply respectful of history and veterans.  Loved to read.  Very gentle with animals.  Always put the toilet seat down.     Articulate and sharp-minded debater.  Talented at writing.   These things I really do miss about him.   :'(

[TheDude]

She asked me to provide any redeeming qualities that kept me in the relationship so long.

Maybe (and this is just food for thought) it wasn't necessarily her 'redeeming qualities' that kept you engaged in the relationship. Things like codependency play as much (if not more) of a role.

Personally, while I catch myself doing it often, ruminating on an exes qualities (be it redeeming or dysfunctional) wastes precious energy that would be much better expended focusing on ourselves.

[Cmjo]

Interesting, yes maybe right now we should be celebrating our own strength and rdeeming qualities! I thought about all my exes every time I felt down and unhappy, as people would say things like he is a great house husband count your blessings, and I would think OK he is such a solid support in this family, I am lucky to have him around so much instead of a husband who works long hours and never sees his kids... .  and he cleans and irons and takes the kids to the doctors and takes them on outings, he would light candles in the bathroom for me cook great meals, buy me presents,  but the facts always had more sinister reality behind them... .  he was at home pretty much all the time when not at work, he had very few  close friends, was silent at home a lot of the time, conversations were very short, I felt lonely, he seemed to be OBSESSIVE about the housework, would withdraw if his parents were here and leave me to keep them company, would get angry unexpectedly, would panic with fears of dying, he could never talk to the kids about their feelings, or even listen to them, no empathy... .  

Someone said I should leave when the bad outweighs the good, the bad was always there behind the mask, but the good qualities just conned me into thinking this is it, I cant get better than this, cant give this up, so I avoided the pain of confronting that this man was actually really suffering and making me suffer too.



I

[KellyO]

My exBF had lots of redeeming qualities. I tried to write them, but then I realized I have no idea how much of them was he mirroring me. Because I noticed I wrote "he likes this and that and so do I". And now I can see why I thought he was everything I have ever wanted in man. Of course he was. He is very good in reading people, he said it many times. He said "in 20 seconds with anybody I can find out what they want, and what triggers them". Exactly his words. And he said it several times. But yes, he has redeeming qualities, many. Many of them were important for me, like not drinking and smoking, liking outdoors, he is funny and curious, he is spontaine, he is bright.

But after this week I know it was not his qualities  that kept me going back and clinging to him. It was my core wound: shame. I found the original wound, and was like a nutter for three days. I forgave my father. I saw how the thought "I failed again, again I lost the love of the man I love, I'm bad, horrible girl, I have to fix this" was running the show, and it has been running the show loong before him. I got my original wound when I was 4-years old. I carried so much shame, fear and hate, that when I put them down I felt I lost my personality. Now I have to see what comes of me, it is quite exiting! Fear and shame go hand in hand, you fear the shame, so your fear makes you act the ways that keep the shame hidden.

[Rose Tiger]

That is some great insight Ta-hol.  I, too, was the recipient of early shame from dad at an early age.  Ex putting me down felt like home.  Healing the core wound and putting the kabash on those critical thoughts makes it very uncomfortable to be around unsafe people.