Is this what THEIR NC means?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It seems obvious that there's no cohesive predictor of when an ex (disordered or not) may reappear. The only "in the clear" is determined by when we, ourselves, are healed and strong enough to resist any temptation.

I'll have to get back to you on how long that takes.

[TheDude]

It seems obvious that there's no cohesive predictor of when an ex (disordered or not) may reappear. The only "in the clear" is determined by when we, ourselves, are healed and strong enough to resist any temptation.

I'll have to get back to you on how long that takes.

[Iced]

If something went poorly with one, they moved on to the other and in the process spent some time badmouthing the previous friend and blaming them for X, Y, and Z.  If, for some reason, they ran dry in terms of having people who would give their sympathy and listen to the badmouthing and agree that yes, those people were horrible, they would cycle back to the very people they had just decreed unfit for friendship.

This x1000! This was always one of the most difficult things for me to try to reconcile - I knew she was capable of smearing people in terrible ways, was outright stunned at the things she would say about her "friends"... .  and yet, when I had asked if she did the same about me behind my back, would say, "No, never!" BS. I've always operated under the assumption that if someone can treat one person a certain way, they can do it to everyone. And that proved true in the end. Live and learn! Thinking you're special and immune to their behaviors is an easy trap to fall into.

In my experience my fwBPD did everything they could to put me on a shining pedestal of perfection... .  even though I wanted nothing to do with it and spent time to address the issue of 'perfection'.

In the end, I guess I bought into it, too, to a degree, as I was beyond confused and when all the accusations started flying.  According to all of our conversations, not once had they ever mentioned or gave indication that I had ever done anything or said anything hurtful to them.

But at the end when I finally put my foot down and refused to put up with their antics anymore, I went from being the best friend in the world to being the worst friend in the world who deserved nothing worse than THE worst of misery for the rest of my life, etc, etc, etc ad nauseum.

My reputation amongst various social circles was shot, I became stalked, and everything they did that hurt me - and things done specifically TO hurt me - all added up to what I thought was blatantly obvious:  "I HATE YOU."

Okay, well... .  Then why in the world would someone who HATES me THAT MUCH come back again?

So yeap.  NC for them definitely does not equal to NC for me.

Even more rich is the fact that when they attempted to re-enter my life, they brushed everything aside - or tried to - and acted like nothing had ever happened while at the same time exuding the kicked puppy sort of air. 

[daintrovert13]

But even during my darkest moments logic didn’t fail me. Since my ex replaced me by cheating I started to think about the reality of what I wanted back. If by some miracle she showed up at my door, what then? She wasn’t even admitting to cheating at that point so how was trust ever going to be restored? That and a thousand other things that would need to be fixed… and then it hits you, why would I want to be in a relationship that needs so much fixing?

Yes good ole LOGIC saved my sanity. She was a very sweet girl, but her alter ego (personality disorder) kept messing up the relationship. Watching her battle like Jekyll and Hyde hurt my soul. But, I can and no longer will play the pity party game. Like seeking balance said... .  my emotions should come first from now on. Now I yearn for a healthy relationship more than ever.

[sheepdog]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all of the comments. 

It may sound as though I am being naive.  Maybe so.

But I really don't think I will ever hear from him again.  The difference between me and the stories I've heard here is that there has been literally NO contact for over 6 months.  No anger.  No accusations.  No emails.  No texts.  Nothing.  He has not attempted.  I have not attempted.  I think that says a lot. 

I don't know what he has painted me, how he sees me, if he is smearing me.  I have no idea.  I suspect the smearing is happening but we never see each other, even though he lives 7 minutes away.  I am no longer friends with out mutual friends.

One of our mutual friends still (still his, no longer mine) still works with me.  Recently, my grandmother passed away and then my uncle.  They both knew how close I was to them, especially my grandmother.  I don't know if she told him she passed away.  But if she did, that would have been the perfect opening for him to try to get back in. 

But since it's more like I and he have disappeared off the face of the earth, I really don't think it is going to happen.

[susanleona]

Sheepdog I hope you are never contacted.  Let us know if you ever are and if you are bothered by it.  I'm in a similar state.  I was contacted after the first breakup and it had been 5-1/2 months without hearing from the exBPD, but we subsequently remained in contact for over a year, steadily going downhill until I initiated this most recent breakup about 2 months ago.  After months of stuffing down my feelings I exploded and was very nasty to exBPD and feel as you do that it is truly over.

[mosaicbird]

Just be prepared for the fact that time with no contact in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean anything... .  I've been contacted (attacked verbally) out of the blue after 2 years of NC. There were a number of times when I thought it was completely over and that I would never hear from her again, and she proved me wrong each time.

[sheepdog]

susanleona and mosaicbird - thank you! 

Why would they contact out of the blue and STILL be annoyed or attacking?  Is it because their other relationship fell apart?

I mean, to hear NOTHING and they get attacked after two years - why?  I would think they would attack the one they were with at the time, not two years prior?

So confusing!

[turtle]

Why would they contact out of the blue and STILL be annoyed or attacking?  Is it because their other relationship fell apart?

I mean, to hear NOTHING and they get attacked after two years - why?  I would think they would attack the one they were with at the time, not two years prior?

When crazyx contacted me after 11 years of not seeing him, I asked him this very question.

I asked "WHY rage at ME - I don't know you anymore and you don't know me anymore, so why?"

His answer:  "I dunno... .  You're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."

Sigh.  So clearly, in his twisted reality, I am, and will always be, a target for his rage.

During these past 11 years, he has called my work after hours and left many hateful or nice messages on my v/m.  There have been YEARS in between messages, but another message ALWAYS comes.

I am certain I am not the ONLY target, but in his chaotic mind,  I'm a convenient one.   

[sheepdog]

Why would they contact out of the blue and STILL be annoyed or attacking?  Is it because their other relationship fell apart?

I mean, to hear NOTHING and they get attacked after two years - why?  I would think they would attack the one they were with at the time, not two years prior?

When crazyx contacted me after 11 years of not seeing him, I asked him this very question.

I asked "WHY rage at ME - I don't know you anymore and you don't know me anymore, so why?"

His answer:  "I dunno... .  You're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."

Sigh.  So clearly, in his twisted reality, I am, and will always be, a target for his rage.

During these past 11 years, he has called my work after hours and left many hateful or nice messages on my v/m.  There have been YEARS in between messages, but another message ALWAYS comes.

I am certain I am not the ONLY target, but in his chaotic mind,  I'm a convenient one.   

Wow turtle... .  wow... .  

May I ask, when he contacts you, do you respond?

[turtle]

Wow turtle... .  wow... .  

May I ask, when he contacts you, do you respond?

No.  Although before I came here (5 years after the fact,) I didn't handle NC very well.  He would rattle me and I respond.

Once I came here, I got it.  NO CONTACT -- ALWAYS --- EVERY DAY -- ALL DAY!  And I've done this for 6 years.

Anyway... .  the only reason I spoke with him this time was that he snipered me at work.  Here's the thread I posted about it, if you're interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192240.0

[mosaicbird]

I asked "WHY rage at ME - I don't know you anymore and you don't know me anymore, so why?"

His answer:  "I dunno... .  You're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."

Bingo. Mine said I deserved it, to boot.

[freshlySane]

I asked "WHY rage at ME - I don't know you anymore and you don't know me anymore, so why?"

His answer:  "I dunno... .  You're the one person I should be able to speak to that way."

Bingo. Mine said I deserved it, to boot.

same thing here she said i caused it and how if i wanted respect you had to earn it. i thought that meant ill treat you any way because i dont respect you and until you prove me wrong ill never respect you because you dont respect me.

[sheepdog]

Wow turtle... .  wow... .  

May I ask, when he contacts you, do you respond?

No.  Although before I came here (5 years after the fact,) I didn't handle NC very well.  He would rattle me and I respond.

Once I came here, I got it.  NO CONTACT -- ALWAYS --- EVERY DAY -- ALL DAY!  And I've done this for 6 years.

Anyway... .  the only reason I spoke with him this time was that he snipered me at work.  Here's the thread I posted about it, if you're interested.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192240.0

Wow, turtle!  That kind of shows how sick he is - the fact that even with FIVE YEARS of NC on your part, he still contacts you expecting you to respond... .