how do i enjoy life? thoughts of ex always there

[HarmKrakow]

HarmKrakow, this is such great advice!

Crush them with new memories! Make new memories. Go there with a friend, have a beer, enjoy the sunset and realize that crazy (BPD) was no good for you.

I have done this a few times and it is truly brilliant, because you really do realise how stunted and anxious the original BPD moments were. Go with someone else non BPD and the calm, freedom, gratitude, easy-laughter is a shockingly-good revelation.

I still pinch myself at how straightforward and calm my life is again now, because I had become so normalised to expect/endure chaos, manipulation and harassment at every turn.

How do you enjoy life? Well it starts with some actual real-life living, and the enjoyment will naturally follow. 

It also relates to 'real life' ... REliving. Reliving the past sometimes isn't nice, it will hurt but it does work to get back to the 'core' of the trauma. We NON BPDers have had it with drama, we want a bit of stability and calmness right now. That is what I look for.

If you think about it, why would you not go to a specific place because your BPDer went there to and she promised you false hopes and believes. Well, by not going there you are only building up a wall for yourself. You think the BPDer cares one bit that you are not going there? No of course not. But we block ourselves and attach these     ed up emotions to something which reminds us of the BPDer in question. That is SUCH bollocks. And therefore, smash it ... smash it And make new memories.

[struggli]

Well, I broke my silence after 2 months and contacted her.  Curiosity, weakness, whatever.

I simply said: I'm fine.

She responded with: OK

It's sort of what I expected.  I sort of regret it.  It's sort of neutral.  It confirms a lack of concern about me.  I just watched an episode of Fresh Prince where Will's Dad comes back after 14 years since abandoning his son.  Then he makes all these promises but bails again.  It struck a chord.  It was familiar and sad and reminded me of the ex.  And even though the dad looks like a jerk off, I started wondering "What about his FOO made him like that?" 

Will was ready to accept the reasons for abandonment and forgive his dad, but he got burned again.  I know it's just a show but perhaps a lesson in people not changing.

I guess she was just checking in on me.  Yeah, I'm kind of disappointed.  A "I miss you" response would've felt good but it'd just be false hope anyway I suppose.

[struggli]

She's a f--king idiot for giving up on this relationship. 

She sabotaged something good.

[Changed4safety]

 

All I needed from mine was the reassurance that if we fought, it was OK for me to leave for a little while to collect myself and let things cool down.  He forbade it.  Said it made him "fear abandonment" too much. 

Self-fulfilling prophecy.  My bar was pretty low for relationships--I could have put up with a great deal.  But everything I put up with seemed to just inspire him to treat me worse. 

They are very pitiable people.

[struggli]

All I needed from mine was the reassurance that if we fought, it was OK for me to leave for a little while to collect myself and let things cool down.  He forbade it.  Said it made him "fear abandonment" too much. 

Self-fulfilling prophecy.  My bar was pretty low for relationships--I could have put up with a great deal.  But everything I put up with seemed to just inspire him to treat me worse. 

They are very pitiable people.

Honestly, I had my own abandonment fears around stuff like that.

At one point the ex said she needed space and I got scared... .  

It seemed fishy as it was sudden.  I had remembered where her ex lived and drove by and saw her car there.  Basically she left me without saying so.  Every time thereafter (when we got back together), when she needed space I remembered that.

And another time she said she needed space and I found her hanging with all her guy friends at the bar.  I wasn't looking for her -- I assumed she was home reading a book or something similar.  So I go up to her and say hi and she dismisses me while her guy friends watch.  Ouch.

Maybe there's rational and irrational abandonment fear.

[struggli]

This breakup doesn't feel right.  It just doesn't. 

And since I don't know if she is BPD, I don't know if she is following a BPD script.  So maybe I've projected BPD and made assumptions about it all and hastily ended a relationship that could have grown.  Knee-jerk reactions.  Etc.

I just don't know.

I don't think she does either.

[HarmKrakow]

This breakup doesn't feel right.  It just doesn't.  

And since I don't know if she is BPD, I don't know if she is following a BPD script.  So maybe I've projected BPD and made assumptions about it all and hastily ended a relationship that could have grown.  Knee-jerk reactions.  Etc.

I just don't know.

I don't think she does either.

I read some of your posts and I think you are in denial. I've read your opening post as well. You feel like you can be her savior but she doesn't want to be saved by you. The clear signs of push/pull in your r/s adds up to that.  She (seems) addicted to drama, you don't. You miss the idealization phase where you were put up a pedestal and now want to get back on that but will never reach that again. Why continue the torture?

I think the "good her" is the "real her" and the seemingly uncaring/distant/fickle part is just a defense mechanism, not a true reflection of who she is.

The good side of her was a mirror image of you, she filled in the holes in your body to make you feel king of the world. Its the way it goes. The good her was purely a phase in the r/s which brushed your ego. The distant/uncanning her isn't the real her either, it's purely what her illness triggers her to do so...

Don't get me wrong. I'm currently facing the exact same situation. In a r/s with a BPD gf however get treated like ~, want to rescue her and feel I can give her so much but she can't be bothered and becomes increasingly distant. I can't let go and I don't understand why she rather stays on her own than to be with me ... as I only want to give...

[Phoenix.Rising]

Struggli,

You mentioned that you're aware of your abandonment fears.  That's a good place to start, imho.  The hardest part of all of this for me is shifting the focus away from her on onto me. 

Like you, my ex requested space on multiple occasions, and one of the last times I asked her if she had been talking to another guy, and she said yes.  I ended it right there.  Then I recycled with her.  Is this what I want in a relationship?  No. 

I tried setting boundaries and discussing concerns/problems many times, and change might be evident for a few days, but that was usually it.  She finally told me she liked the way her life was and wanted to do it her way.  What I heard was, I don't want to change anything. 

I started to lose trust in her, and that's when serious doubts came into play for me.  I never was 100% sure about wanting to marry her, although I thought about it a lot and we talked about it, looked at houses, etc.  I bought an engagement ring towards the end, but never showed it to her or gave it to her.  I've since returned it.  I knew something wasn't right, but I kept that hope. 

Most of us on here seem be fixers.  We hold on to the idea that if we just tweak it a certain way, then all will be well.  I cannot fix someone who has no desire to be fixed!  I can only change myself.  And I'm realizing now that I'm probably not the best person to be in her life right now because I'm not healthy or strong enough to take on the role of emotional caretaker.  And, to be honest, I probably would tire of that role quickly even if I were healthy enough. 

I want to be with someone who also wants to work on themselves, and hopefully with someone who is able to give back to me on a deep emotional level.  Any time I tried to resolve conflict with her that contained strong emotional undertones, she would run.  Nothing ever seemed to get resolved.  To me, I don't see how any relationship can function in a healthy manner over time like that.  Even if your exgf doesn't have BPD, she has some serious issues from what you've written, and she doesn't seem to want to change her lifestyle.  You don't have the power to change her life.  I relate a lot to what you post, and I appreciate your honesty.

[HarmKrakow]

Struggli,

You mentioned that you're aware of your abandonment fears.  That's a good place to start, imho.  The hardest part of all of this for me is shifting the focus away from her on onto me. 

Like you, my ex requested space on multiple occasions, and one of the last times I asked her if she had been talking to another guy, and she said yes.  I ended it right there.  Then I recycled with her.  Is this what I want in a relationship?  No. 

I tried setting boundaries and discussing concerns/problems many times, and change might be evident for a few days, but that was usually it.  She finally told me she liked the way her life was and wanted to do it her way.  What I heard was, I don't want to change anything. 

I started to lose trust in her, and that's when serious doubts came into play for me.  I never was 100% sure about wanting to marry her, although I thought about it a lot and we talked about it, looked at houses, etc.  I bought an engagement ring towards the end, but never showed it to her or gave it to her.  I've since returned it.  I knew something wasn't right, but I kept that hope. 

Most of us on here seem be fixers.  We hold on to the idea that if we just tweak it a certain way, then all will be well.  I cannot fix someone who has no desire to be fixed!  I can only change myself.  And I'm realizing now that I'm probably not the best person to be in her life right now because I'm not healthy or strong enough to take on the role of emotional caretaker.  And, to be honest, I probably would tire of that role quickly even if I were healthy enough. 

I want to be with someone who also wants to work on themselves, and hopefully with someone who is able to give back to me on a deep emotional level.  Any time I tried to resolve conflict with her that contained strong emotional undertones, she would run.  Nothing ever seemed to get resolved.  To me, I don't see how any relationship can function in a healthy manner over time like that.  Even if your exgf doesn't have BPD, she has some serious issues from what you've written, and she doesn't seem to want to change her lifestyle.  You don't have the power to change her life.  I relate a lot to what you post, and I appreciate your honesty.

Awesome post! Read it many times. Thank you I also did a similar thing in regards of the engagement ring. She never saw it.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Thanks!   

It's sad about the engagement rings, but I have a strong feeling we made the right move.

[Changed4safety]

Struggli--when I asked for time to cool down, I meant "leave the room and go for a ten minute walk."  He would not let me physically leave the space he was in.  Sometimes he took my phone away from me.  When I would feel that "flight or fight" panic and try to just get some physical space between us, he would refuse and keep pushing, sometimes punching walls and on three occasions physically choking me.  I would start to get terrified when he would rage, and all I wanted was a little time away for him to calm down.  He said he couldn't do that for "fear of abandonment."

Of course, when he "kicked me out" of the house we lived in for which he was paying not a dime for hours on end, I had better do what he wanted.  It was all about manipulating me and being in control of the situation.  If he let me out of his sight, he couldn't properly terrorize me into compliance, which--at that moment--was what he wanted.

I wasn't talking about taking a few days off and not seeing each other. 

[struggli]

I've read all your replies many times, but this feeling still remains... .  

Do I keep NC despite this squirming feeling of wanting to jump out of my body?  I almost texted her this morning: "I think it's incredibly f--ked up how you walked out of this relationship as if nothing ever existed between us" or something to that effect.

I feel like she committed a crime and walked away with no consequence.  And occasionally I think about all the money I loaned her that she said she would repay this month which ends today.

I think about sending her a "Where's my money? Today's the day" message as well.

But then I think about her saying one time "Maybe I should just become an escort so I can make some money" with a big smile on her face.  I told her it made me want to vomit to hear her say that and she got serious and said "me too."

It's hard to turn my back on injustice.

She dissociates, completely removes herself from any attachment while I feel like throwing a chair through a window. 

[seeking balance]

I've read all your replies many times, but this feeling still remains... .  

Do I keep NC despite this squirming feeling of wanting to jump out of my body?  I almost texted her this morning: "I think it's incredibly f--ked up how you walked out of this relationship as if nothing ever existed between us" or something to that effect.

the only way through this feeling is to go through it.  The other option is to contact her and start the process again later - I wish I could tell you there was a short cut but there is not.

You text her - then what... .  there is absolutely NO response from her that will make you feel better.

Struggli - there is nothing fair or right about this situation... .  but NOBODY is guaranteed a life that is fair or right.  I honestly wish life was fair - it just isn't.

Go outside and run or walk or swim - go get all this anxiety out... .  do it until you cannot do it any longer.  Punch a pillow - let the anxiety run it's course - it is the only way... .  contacting her only starts this process over.

In the book, Road Less Traveled - the first line is... .  life is difficult

I think about sending her a "Where's my money? Today's the day" message as well.

a window. 

you and I both know the money is not the issue - you are hurt... .  anger is a mask for hurt. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

It does hurt... like hell.  And I agree with SB in that life is not always fair.  I do believe that we all eventually end up getting back what we put out there, but it might not be in the way we want it or think we deserve it. 

Your ex is probably mentally ill.  There's no rationalizing that.  However, your anger is real, and you probably were used.  I have screamed, thrown things, and punched things in private to try and get some of my anger out.  Usually, after that the hurt will surface that SB mentioned, and I will cry. 

I need to feel the anger and, more importantly, the sadness.  I do not like feeling sadness, and I usually go to great lengths to avoid it.  But I think that's where the real healing is.  It's good to be mad that she treated you unfairly.  It's also good to be sad because she broke your heart.  There's no easy way around it.  I'm right there with you.

[struggli]

I also know she gets a several thousand dollar bonus in January.  Yes, I am hurt and not trying to hide that but perhaps it would add some feeling of 'right' were I to at least recover something financially.

All the images in my head are of her charming people, of rich good looking men treating her like a princess and so on, while she bears no responsibility for anything.  I am just a pathetic weakling who can't move on to her.

So I shouldn't mention the money?  It feels martyr-like to let it go.  Is it giving her more power if i inquire?  A 5k dollar, heartbreaking lesson?

[Phoenix.Rising]

I chose to go back and reconnect several times after periods of no contact.  That's up to you.  It takes what it takes.  Overall, I mostly got more of the same, but the pain actually got worse. 

It wouldn't be wrong to ask for the money, but some would suggest that it's not worth it if you're committed to NC at this point.  There's really no right or wrong way to do this in my opinion.  I believe all the contact I've had with her has been necessary.  And I may talk to her again, or I may never talk to her again.  Today I do not want to talk to her, and I am working on healing myself.  Do you believe in a higher power?  If so, pray about it.  If not, that's ok, too.  Good luck.

[HarmKrakow]

I also know she gets a several thousand dollar bonus in January.  Yes, I am hurt and not trying to hide that but perhaps it would add some feeling of 'right' were I to at least recover something financially.

All the images in my head are of her charming people, of rich good looking men treating her like a princess and so on, while she bears no responsibility for anything.  I am just a pathetic weakling who can't move on to her.

So I shouldn't mention the money?  It feels martyr-like to let it go.  Is it giving her more power if i inquire?  A 5k dollar, heartbreaking lesson?

Mate, first of all if my previous comment might have been a bit rude but we are only hear to help each other.

I am in the same boat as you. Completely. I feel being cheated on without her taking any of the responsibility and leaving (us) in the sh!t. Where is the money? How the fudge could you walk away out of this? It has made me angry that I wanted to throw stuff out the window but also cry like a little baby.

And you all do ... is ... some sort of way, should i contact? And nothing helps ... it just makes it worse ...

[struggli]

I asked her when she would be repaying me.  She responded that she was broke and starving with a screen shot of her account balance.

Then she followed up by saying, 'but here's this' with another Facebook style picture attachment of our shared interest.

So, I'm sort of insulted and angry.  And hurt.  And I want to shake her so to speak, slap some sense into her via a text message.  How do I fight this feeling?  Or do I give into the urge and just do it?  Ask her to stop contacting me?   I want to express that I just don't get her seemingly dissociated experience from something that seemed so deep.  Lost, anxious, restless... .  

I guess I want her to see the light... .  

[just me.]

So, I'm sort of insulted and angry.  And hurt.  And I want to shake her so to speak, slap some sense into her via a text message.  How do I fight this feeling?  Or do I give into the urge and just do it?  Ask her to stop contacting me?   I want to express that I just don't get her seemingly dissociated experience from something that seemed so deep.  Lost, anxious, restless... .  

I guess I want her to see the light... .  

I've been going through all of this, too.  The final line struck me, though, because I realized as reading it that the notion that I could make my ex "see the light" is no longer with me.

I engaged with my ex a fair number of times throughout this detachment process - primarily because we had to go through a divorce, and we are still co-parenting (which means we still have to interact with one another, which leads to the exacerbation of all the negative emotions).  I gave into my temptations to "slap some sense into her" (via messages) a few times.  All such efforts fell upon deaf ears, of course, but they did help me to really internalize and understand the futility of the attempt.  I used to wonder about what more I could have done and said... .  but I don't wonder that anymore.  I tried.  I tried my best.  It doesn't work.

These efforts are emotionally exhausting, and eventually would lead me to my lowest depths when facing the extent of their failure.  Moreover, they generated openings and pathways for me to be hurt by her again.

Assume that texting her will result in the worst possible outcome... .  would it still then be worth it?  It very well might still be of value, for no reason other than to help you alleviate the feeling that you need to do it.

But if any part of you is expecting her to participate in all of this in a way that is satisfying to you, then I feel like I need to remind you that that outcome is extremely unlikely.  Whatever choice you make, do it because you are happy with the choice you are making, and not because of what you are hoping may come of it.

[BentNotBroken]

As I just posted on another thread, BPD is not a condition of ignorance. My BPDex was acutely aware that there was something very wrong with her brain. No amount of reasoning with her, begging, pleading, powerpoint presentations, etc. was going to give her a moment of clarity that she so desperately needed.

BPD is a very serious mental illness. Most BPDs do not get well. They continue to leave a path of destruction behind them for many years, if not an entire lifetime. My Ex is at least partly responsible for the death of her husband. She never spent a day in jail. She probably never will. Contact with her only brings pain and destruction to anyone who gets close. She is almost like an emotional cancer. The facade that I thought I loved was never real. I fell in love with a ghost. The lying, abusive, manipulative thief is the real her.

If you really want the 5K back, file a small claims case against her. You could probably win pretty easily, if she has already acknowledged the debt in a provable way. If you want to stay NC, have a lawyer send a demand letter with a threat to sue if she doesn't pay by a certain date. Follow through with the suit.

You fell in love with a lie. Accept that, heal, and move on.

[TheRealSully]

All the images in my head are of her charming people, of rich good looking men treating her like a princess and so on, while she bears no responsibility for anything.  I am just a pathetic weakling who can't move on to her.

So I shouldn't mention the money?  It feels martyr-like to let it go.  Is it giving her more power if i inquire?  A 5k dollar, heartbreaking lesson?

I had the EXACT same feelings.  I was told (by mine) that she met a guy that was all wealthy.  When she met me at a friggin Panera to talk about the divorce (prior to that, all I got was a single phone call), she pulled up in a really tricked out BMW M5.  I mean like REALLY tricked out.  I guess she did that just to screw with me.  Come to find out the guy lives in a dumpy part of town in a small apartment.  Way less money than my BPD ex wife and I had. 

But, my imagination got the better of me and I felt exactly the way you do.

Guess what?  I even went to the bank and got her $10K  Yup.  Because she said we had a future and we would get remarried someday after we "started over" dating, etc... .    ALL LIES.

The best thing to do is just forget about her.  I know it's pretty hard to imagine that now, but as the hate starts to replace the love, it will get easier.  Just keep going on.  Don't go back.  Don't contact. 

I'm still struggling with that.  I want to contact, but I haven't.  It's been a while now... .  maybe 2 weeks no contact?  Not sure.  Not counting because I'm just trying not to think about the nasty person I was married to for 10 years.  Trying to do other things.

[LuckyEscapee]

You can't put a price tag on the value of making it to the other side of all this madness!

[FindingMe2011]

I asked her when she would be repaying me.  She responded that she was broke and starving with a screen shot of her account balance.

Then she followed up by saying, 'but here's this' with another Facebook style picture attachment of our shared interest.  

   I would venture to say, that this is a typical answer that she would give, when you were in a r/s with her ?... .  Its still the dance, just a different step. Why does she continue with this behavior? Its the same behavior you allowed, so in her head this is just status quo, she is a child. Your contact is validating her behavior, whether you are nice or mean. If your nice, the r/s is just as it used to be. If your mean, it validates her leaving and is probably closer to what she knows and understands.

  This breakup doesn't feel right.  It just doesn't.  

And since I don't know if she is BPD, I don't know if she is following a BPD script.  So maybe I've projected BPD and made assumptions about it all and hastily ended a relationship that could have grown.  Knee-jerk reactions.  Etc.

I just don't know.

I don't think she does either.  

Ive witnessed 10x the growth, from my pre teen, and teenage daughters in the past yr and a half, than the ex showed me in 12 1/2 yrs. Back to denial and bargaining. Its the subconscious protecting the conscious. This is the conflict, not this r/s... .  When I started to make sense of what was really going on, my ex tried to get on board. It was apparent, very quickly, that she was incapable. It was my selfishness, that wouldnt understand this, and only prolonged my recovery. I finally believed that I was going to have to become healthier, without her. It was sad, yet the best thing I ever did for myself.

 So I shouldn't mention the money?  It feels martyr-like to let it go.  Is it giving her more power if i inquire?  A 5k dollar, heartbreaking lesson?  

Its myrtar like, to not let it go. If its any consolation, 5k was a drop in the bucket, for all the hobbies, schooling, career changes, and temporary happiness gifts I bought through out 12+ yrs... .  At the very least it just keeps you from enduring the abandonment depression, that is necessary to get through this in a healthier way. Can you see how you are avoiding this? That everything you are saying is just an excuse.

  How do I fight this feeling?  

You dont, but the more you do get comfortable with these feelings, and put them in there correct place(because you learned something wrong), the easier it gets.  Stop seeing the lies you are telling yourself, because an emotion runs you over. The only way you are going to be able to see this in a different light, is to become more, emotionally mature yourself. No magic pill, nobody else to do this for you, especially not your ex. Your asking the flu virus, to help you get over the flu. Contact, recycles, and re- engagements, are just forms to keep the dysfunctional attachment, we choose to not let go.

 I want to express that I just don't get her seemingly dissociated experience from something that seemed so deep.    

Because you want to believe she sees this as you do. You have read countless times, why this is, believe it... .  It was deep for you, and getting through this is no easy task. Your ability/inability to see this/yourself on a deeper level, will determine a lot.

 Or do I give into the urge and just do it?  

You can, its your choice. But dont expect a different result, when you continue to do things the same way.

  I guess I want her to see the light...    

This is what many are trying to do for you also. Its an impossible task for you to accomplish, for her, the only one, possible out come,... .  failure... Its on her, for her issues, just as yours are, for you... .  I see you making small steps struggli, keep it up. Sometimes the kindest act, for both, is to just walk away... .  I wish you well, PEACE

[blurry]

 Even if she wants to reconcile, its only a matter of time till she bounces again, stay NC and try some online dating if you're shy or whatever, i found that just "browsing" online got my mind off her whenever i started thinking about her, and went out with a couple women. Just dont go too fast or sleep with anyone too soon in my opinion, i did with both and it made me miss the ex even more because the sex didnt compare. I think if there was any real connection, the sex would of been a non-issue. Like i said though, even just browsing or chatting online with some new women helped me control myself about thinking about the ex constantly.

Also, after getting blindsided and hurt so bad by the ex, instead of crawling into a hole, im doing things like asking attractive women for their names and numbers wherever and whenever i want to, as opposed to the old me, who would never approach a woman unless i was drinking. Now i feel like i have nothing to lose, after i just lost the most precious woman in the world to me.