I need to work on myself and why I stayed.

[joanlee]

I came to this blog after I already divorced my BPDh a year and a half ago. I have already gone through most the levels of healing. I have been also going to Alanon since 2010, which has helped tremendously. I am way past the point of having to vent my anger, grief, frustration, etc. and just want to move on. I can't imagine having to post 50 more times... .  I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. Any way to fast track this? I would like to be able to do the personal inventory... .  like Alanon's 4th step... .  

[briefcase]

It sounds like you are coming at this from a really good perspective.  So, now that you've had some time to gain that perspective, what kinds of things do you think you need to fearlessly inventory here? Have you thought about your role in the relationship?

[joanlee]

Very much so. I have never really blamed him. I need to work on myself and why I stayed. I think I know pretty much, I've had a long time to focus on myself. Just don't want to miss anything.

[yeeter]

Hi Joanlee,

It sounds like you have worked through a lot, and are just wanting to move on with living your life.

What is it that is preventing you from doing just this?

(Therapists like to say that the ultimate goal is that they never see their clients again - meaning they go off to live their life and no longer need T.  I think these boards work a little like this as well.)

[joanlee]

Part of it is winter. The weather and icy roads have prevented everyone from living normal lives here in Idaho this year. The other part is the IBS I've had for the past 10 or so years. Makes it really hard to try and get out and meet people when I'm worried about where the nearest restroom is. The anxiety is getting much better, but I still have issues with people driving with me in the car. The panic attacks are terrible. I've been to every doctor/therapist/naturopath/shrink there is, and have received minimal help on this. I've even gone as far as asking myself what I'm getting out of it, or am I trying to avoid stuff, but I don't think so. It's a very real physical problem. But it is improving. It's a bit like PTSD.

[yeeter]

So some items to work through for yourself.  What struck me was, none of the items on this list have anything to do with BPD.

?

[joanlee]

Maybe it's because I've been divorced since 2011, and BPD is not in my face anymore. I'm trying to keep the focus on my own life and problems. This whole process has been like a death, and every so often I get blindsided by a bad memory. I went to bed peacefully last night, and all of a sudden I remembered an incident that happened when I first was married. I got so mad, I had to get up at midnight and journal it. Even when you try to move on and be positive, you can't control the thoughts and feelings that come into your head. I'm looking forward to the day I won't have to be bothered with it anymore. I guess time is the healing factor here. Right now I'm struggling with the fact that I wasted so many years in a bad marriage. You can't regret your life or live in the past, but now I realize I should have left a toxic marriage way before the 36 year mark.

[JDoe]

Dear Joanlee,

 

  As another long-time stayer (20 years in all), who left- nearly 2 years ago, my advice is to be kind to yourself.  You did what you felt was right.  Then look at how far you have come and congratulate yourself for each step in this new direction.

  I've been asked many times why I stayed so long.  It was NOT because I was defective in some way.  It just was.  And now we are free. 

  It is good to do some self-examination and to learn why you were there, but never to beat yourself up or judge what that young girl did so many years ago.  She was in love and believed in the fairy-tale of love conquering all!  When you know better, you do better. (a quote from Oprah)  We certainly do know and do much better things for ourselves these days, ain't so? (a cool way that Amish phrase a question)

  Mad is good!  It lets out the toxins, when directed in a helpful manner.  I got some nice biceps from using my punching bag in the months after I left. 

Gentle  ,

JBro

[joanlee]

Thank you JDoe... .  one thing I have learned the past few years is to go easy on myself. I'm my worst critic. What a process it's been... .