Hanging up.

[Chattgirl]

I'm trying to figure out the right way to stop my bp from hanging up on me all the time on the phone. Every time a conversation doesn't go my bps way or I ask him a question he doesn't like he hangs up on me. Sometimes I want to just do the same thing and when he asks me crazy accusing questions I should just never acknowledge his feelings and just hang up.  I have never hung up on him. I'm not gonna go down to that level.  I'm afraid if I don't call him back he just won't call me and he will do something impulsive and go call another girl.  He has always tried to up the ante or set a fire under me to MAKE me call so he can have complete control. I'm scared one day he will actually sleep with someone else. How can I set a boundary or stop this behavior without pushing it to the point that he cheats or something? I am afraid of nc because I know he will do so many crazy things during this time. Does anyone have experience with problem and have any advice for me?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

From my personal experience, you can't change his actions.  He will continue to hang up as he wishes, no matter what you tell him.  That's what my H does. 

However, you can change how you respond to that.  When he hangs up on you, you are fearful and you worry he will sleep with somebody else.  This means his actions worked.  You may even try to reach him, try to finish your discussion or whatever, try to make things right.  Then he got you chasing after him.

Nowadays, if my H hangs up on me (which he does much less now), I will simply not call back- he terminated the conversation, not me.  I just do whatever I was doing before.  So I guess my suggestion is not to go after him.  Even if you are worrying and pining for him on the inside, don't let it show, and especially don't let HIM know.

[Chattgirl]

That's what I am trying to do now. Thank you for your support I am trying to stay calm and not start calling and begging. He has always got a response from me by going and doing things to hurt me.  It has made me afraid and I fear space. I appreciate your insight.  We have been together five years and until a few months ago I have internalized it all as something I was doing wrong and I have done lots of chasing, pawing, crying, begging, beating on his door, everything. What I realized from you is that he may very well know that I'm afraid of the space and be using that very thing against me.  Thank you so much.

[elemental]

Mine does the same. Telephone, msn, social chat programs, skype, walks out the door, etc.

The first times he did it I didn't "get" it. I seriously believed he lost connection.

Then I realized it was on purpose and I asked him why he was doing it. He said he was panicking and froze up not knowing what to say and then would freak out and hang up.

Then I realized he was actually angry. By then, of course, I had got panicked myself and would freak out and try to re-engage. Oh boy. Horrible.

I was only able to break my fear and panick to some degree when I found this site.  He really worked me on the silent treatment, blocking and so on for the last couple months of 2012. It's really traumatic to me when he does it so I tend to distance myself now when it happens, because any real show of upset will lead to him lashing out in this way and really grinding it into me.

You are best off breaking any urge in yourself to try and pick up with him when he does that. Keep your power and walk off and do something else. BPD will work you over with it if they catch on they can really drag you around with it.

Mine did it yesterday, made an email or two, now has gone silent treatment again. And me? Sad and sorry he is trying to jerk me around over something, but I am not trying to talk to him and I feel better for it.

[Chattgirl]

Well the update is it's a new day today and I've not heard a word from him.  He doesn't want to call me back. He's probably not going to.  If I don't call it will probably be days of silence again. I hate this.

[Foreverhopefull]

It's hard to ignore the silence, but you have to. 

[laelle]

If you dont call, it will begin to be an ineffective tool for him to get under your skin.  He will learn to have to soothe himself.  Its for both of your best interest.

He deals with his emotions and you deal with yours by going out and do something for yourself, cook, etc... .  they are quick to anger and long to calm down. (as I have been told.)  You can email and say something like.  I will be here when you want to talk. 

If he is so willing to go out with another girl because you didnt give him what he wanted, what does that say about him?

What does that say about you that you fear it?  Part of healing yourself is not letting that fear intimidate you.  Let it go.

[Cloudy Days]

Why are you so afraid that he will cheat on you? I personally wouldn't want to be with someone if I felt like they were going to cheat on me and the only way to keep him from doing it is playing his game. When he hangs up on you he is trying to get a reaction out of you. You are giving him the reaction that he wants. He wants you to cling to him and beg him not to leave. If he is going to run off and screw someone over 1 argument then maybe he isn't the best love for you. You need to try and get over your fears. I know it is hard to do but giving him what he wants is keeping the cycle going. You can't make him stop hanging up on you. You can however change how you feel about it when he does it. Give him his space and eventually he will contact you again and most likely act like nothing happend. He does know what buttons to push on you to hurt you and to get you to do what he wants. Borderlines are very good at that.

My husband has in the past told me of girls that he was going to go have sex with just to hurt me. When I would get mad about it and let it upset me he would do it more often. Once I stopped giving him what he wanted, which was my hurt reaction to his comments he stopped doing it. My husband will outright lie to hurt me, he will say anything to get a rise out of me as long as I hurt like he does. Because thats the whole point, he is trying to hurt me. Once I figured his game out it was a lot easier not to play. My husband has never cheated on me, however he's told me he is going to about 500 times. Is he serious about doing it? At the time maybe he is, I have told him if he ever cheats on me it's a deal breaker and there won't be any chance for reconcilliation. It's up to him, if he wants to stay in our relationship he stays faithful. I remind him of that everytime he says something about cheating on me. You have to let go of the fear of loosing him.

Think of it this way, if he cheats on you what are you going to do about it? Obviously the act will prove he's not that serious about you. Will it be the end of the world or will you get over it and move on? You have to face your fears and realize that him cheating on you is not the worst thing in the world and if he wants to do it, there is nothing you can do that will stop him. And it shouldn't be something he holds over your head to get what he wants, that's terribly abusive.

[briefcase]

Yep, I'll join the chorus.  Don't call back when he hangs up on you.  My wife did this for years and I always called back, quick to try to patch things up and make peace.  Bad for both of us.   

[Chattgirl]

I wanted to thank every single person that commented here for your great advice.  All the support paid off and he contacted me by text today. I expected him to take so much longer to respond but I think me not calling him back shocked him.  However he gave me a typical bp response of a mean text about how I just wanted to be mean to him and that I made him so angry he could only see red and that I must have found someone else since I didn't call him back yesterday.  I did respond because I know to make the contact was hard for him. I stated that he had hung up on me again and that feels to me like my feelings and concerns don't matter. Then I totally dropped the subject and told him I hoped he had a good day today at work. I think that was small progress because I did not disrespect myself by acting like a door mat.  I know that this will take a while to improve but my response will never be to call, chase, and beg again. Thank you so much.

[coworkerfriend]

I stated that he had hung up on me again and that feels to me like my feelings and concerns don't matter. Then I totally dropped the subject and told him I hoped he had a good day today at work. I think that was small progress because I did not disrespect myself by acting like a door mat.  I know that this will take a while to improve but my response will never be to call, chase, and beg again.

That isn't small progress - it is HUGE.  Becoming more aware of how my response of chasing and begging made us both feel awful and escalated the dysregulation/rage has helped me cope better.

Every small step we take to make ourselves feel better is a huge step in the right direction. 

[Katlvr]

Mine will do the same thing if he is mad he will call me and rage at me not letting me get in a word and hang up... so if he is mad he will call, yell, hang up... I used to always call him right back and it sometimes makes things worse... If I hang up on him cause he is raging at me he will call over and over and over and say really mean things... it sucks... I do have the fear if I dont call back and i am the type I want things to be resolved I feel so bad when things are up in the air... I am a co dependent I think... anyway... .  it is not an easy thing... and it sucks being hung up on while you are trying to get a point across or whatever...

[Chosen]

You are doing well Chattgirl 

It took me a loong and painful time to learn that, and I became so depressed because I was this confident person and then I turned into a doormat.  I read in some article that if we don't love ourselves, if we don't act confident, how can we expect our SOs to love us? 

I bet not calling and begging and waiting for him has made you feel better about yourself too, right?  Take care of yourself first- that's the most important!

[toliveistofly]

this drove me crazy. the first few time it happened it shocked me and I thought she had just lost the connection. but over time I began to expect it. We were long distance for part of this time and I always worried that she was seeking positive reinforcement from other men (and she probably was). by the end I didn't care; I actually hoped she would do something so heinous, that I would catch her, and finally have a good enough reason to leave her. which is stupid; I already had thousands of them.

[GustheDog]

My ex did not do this generally, but did it *all the time* during our last 6 weeks or so together (I'm generally on the leaving board but thought I'd chime in).

The first few times I too thought it was a lost connection and didn't bother asking what had happened.  By the third time (of probably 50 total), I called her on it and asked if she hung up on me - her response was: (sigh) "Yeah, sorry."

Subsequently there were no more apologies.  One funny incident in retrospect occurred when I noticed I'd missed a call from her an hour or two earlier.  I called her back, she raged for 20 seconds, said I was "super mean," then hung up.  Gosh, no reason to think she had wanted to talk to me or anything.  My bad.

[almost789]

Mine would do this too. Its childish behavior which is typical. They are not going to relate to us like and adult. I too found the calling back and crying or complaining about it didnt help. True, when they see your not chasing them anymore theyre more likely to come back around. The part that kind of boogles me is mine never acted this way in the beginning. If i was dating someone who simply hangs up mid conversation as a way of dealing Id had definitly NOT ventured further into the relationship. Why and how do they pretend to be normal  in the initial stages of the relationship. Its like they hook you, then change.