Starting to feel ridiculous...

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I was wondering is it a sign of healing when the entire relationship and all the emotions i felt seemed exaggerated and now that I am out of it... .  again... .  that now I just realize the entire thing (4 years off and on) was utterly ridiculous?

I do not know how i got hooked in to it again and again. I wish that I didn't have mixed feelings about my exgf wBPD but I definitely do... .  I think that small bit of hope i have gets smashed when i read posts from others... .  and i remember what it was like after the first breakup... .  

Man I have grown a lot through these BPD breakups... .  I will say, this is the first one that was easier than the last.

I mean the last one felt like full blown ptsd... .  I was practically in a catatonic state (Exaggerating) but I never could imagine feeling so neurotic... .  never happened to me before... .  

This time i had some symptoms too... .  but most of what i felt was a relief. She moved in to my house and it lasted about 7 weeks i think... .  she relapsed on alcohol after being sober for 15 months... .  guess who was blamed, .

I'm starting to feel silly about all of this... .  almost as if I can totally understand why a lot of my friends distanced themselves from me and told me that "i love drama.

This relationship had me acting like a 13 year old... .  . Man it feels good to to feel a little bit of myself again. I can't believe how much I lost myself in all of this... .  never again.

Im NC for almost 30 days. I dont feel any where close to a hundred percent. Work is very difficult... .  but i think i can snap out of this and avoid homelessness.

I know it was never her intention and quite frankly it isn't her fault that I was affected by her in such a strange, psychologically damaging way. I guess it's like anything else in life... .  i might just be "allergic" to BPD or something.

It's so funny when my friends try to compare this to a normal breakup... .  normal breakups don't trigger strange mental symptoms... .  they are just depressing... .  .

Anyways, Im trying to look at this as a good thing... .  going to a T twice a week... .  she seems driven to help.

I think 60 days... .  I'll be feeling a lot better. Got a bunch of her mail today. Bank stuff.

Trash it or have a friend drop in her mom's mailbox? I dont want to send any messages... .  but it is hard for me to just throw away her mail.

Best,

Stoic

[Clearmind]

Good for you stoic!

I marked my ex's mail 'not at this address'.

It's about you now

[Consumed]

Stoic, Have you been watching my life? It it bizarre how close your situation is to mine, and I find that a lot on here, almost everyday. Your sit is so close to mine. What I have come to realize (from folks on here) is I have to forgive myself. I cut off friends, family and any feeling of desereving happiness. I have felt pathetic, ridiculous, stuck and hopeless. I could not see anything past what anxiety I was thinking. Yes, the whole circus and dark caos that's called her head is what I thought I could "help" with. And knowing that ultimately it's not her fault, I think, is a lot of what kept me there, plus my need to help and fix. The forgiveness I have to do with myself is realizing I am human and wanting to do the right thing is not bad. I have to forgive me for leaving my peace behind for so long, for being stubborn and not seeing the destruction it was doing to my life when everyone was pointing it out very clearly, for not taking heed to the red flags early on, (and a biggy) leaving her 5 yr old boy who calls me daddy. It really bother me that she is probably blaming me to him. She can blame me to whoever she wants but to him really hurts (I have to accept somehow). We have had 2 or 3 breakups over the past 2 years and this one was definately the hardest to leave (F.O.G to the hilt), but just less than a week, I feel more convicted that it is finally the end. My anxiety (which I had none of before her) was at lethal levels this time last week or for the past 5 months really. I feel that huge edge of anxiety has been less and I am not scared like I was. I have no doubt i have been heavily effected and have ptsd. I was a confident, healthy person when I started this 2 years ago. Now I am on an anti depressent and a sleeping pill. I quit exercising, my blood pres is up and so is sugar. I have to go get my friends back, They stuck with me, I didn't stick with them.  Stoic, please try to forgive yourself and treat yourself well. Become aware of your thoughts and try to direct them back to something positive. Enjoy as much time out of each day as you possible can. We deserve it! While I'm telling you this, I am also trying to hear what I am saying for myself. Just one day at a time. They will add up. I have been reading this whole post every day.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=191374.0   and it has helped.  As far as the mail, I wonder if you can tape a messege on your mailbox to the mail carrier... .  "_____ does not live here" or something along those lines, then you won't even get them. or go to the local post office and describe it. I believe they can stop it before it goes out for delivery. I hope this helps. It sure helped me to write it, so thanks for the topic. Keep busy and get with friends ! I have to change thoughts when they come. And Keep writing! Everyone on here has helped save my life. Thank you

[waitaminute]

Stoic83,

Your words "work is very difficult" is true for me too.

I am trying every day to be productive. I don't have to produce every day. My work involves research. But over time, I must produce. And if I don't, the company will naturally replace me with someone who does. Already - once a Fellow in my company - I am looking into a voluntary demotion just to pre-empt an involuntary one. Gotta pull myself up by the bootstraps. Hope you can too.

[Changed4safety]

Wait and Stoic, I hear you... .  I am freelancer, I am responsible for EVERYTHING involving my career and my finances.  I am staying up way too late, crawling out of bed way too late, and am having extreme difficulty getting things done.  I never thought I would be grateful for a drying up of my business, which started happening in November, but I don't think I could be creative on an intense deadline right now.  The only thing that seems to work is actually setting a timer to get something done and playing "beat the clock", and even that is a crapshoot. :/

[stoic83]

Stoic, Have you been watching my life? It it bizarre how close your situation is to mine, and I find that a lot on here, almost everyday. Your sit is so close to mine. What I have come to realize (from folks on here) is I have to forgive myself. I cut off friends, family and any feeling of desereving happiness. I have felt pathetic, ridiculous, stuck and hopeless. I could not see anything past what anxiety I was thinking. Yes, the whole circus and dark caos that's called her head is what I thought I could "help" with. And knowing that ultimately it's not her fault, I think, is a lot of what kept me there, plus my need to help and fix. The forgiveness I have to do with myself is realizing I am human and wanting to do the right thing is not bad.

Hey clancy, thanks for relating to me! This is really tough... .  I think even my T is having a hard time understanding and that I might be misrepresenting my normal self in therapy right now... however, i bet they are used to having people come in to see them who are in a bad way.

The fact that my exgfBPD WAS the most important person in my life for a very long time, is disturbing.

Now I can make myself the most important person in my life again... .  and stay away from the many other people in my life aside from myexgfwBPD that try to get me to put myself last (family and other friends, companies... etc.)... .  and I realize that I need to stop caring about what other people think about me and find my own personal security before I try to help anybody with problems... .  and never, ever sacrifice my core values about how I deserve to be treated by friends, family, and lovers!

Much Love,

Stoic

[stoic83]

Stoic83,

Your words "work is very difficult" is true for me too.

I am trying every day to be productive. I don't have to produce every day. My work involves research. But over time, I must produce. And if I don't, the company will naturally replace me with someone who does. Already - once a Fellow in my company - I am looking into a voluntary demotion just to pre-empt an involuntary one. Gotta pull myself up by the bootstraps. Hope you can too.

Waitaminute... .  Im sorry you are going through this too. This is what everyone says, "be strong". It hasn't been working for me... .  I'll tell you what helped me once... .  A friend told me that "the harder you try and struggle the tighter the knot will get in the figurative noose of anxiety... .  if you just go with the flow it loosens up"... .  

That is what im trying to do. I have been working a software application that I invented for 3 years and I have investors and business partners and everything... .  this is so incredibly stressful that I will consider myself lucky if I survive homelesness.

On top of that, I will let down investors... .  my business partners and everyone else who believed in me.

Oh yeah, and my exgfwBPD relapsed on christmas, after her dad died, she painted me black, also my grandma died, and my [hfBPD] mom painted me black too at the same time.

My friendships here are on the rocks and shallow, and I am just acting out of sorts. I really hope that we can pull it together soon... .  waitaminute. I don't want to go homeless over a frigging relationship... .  sigh, it's not even like she took anything from me... .  besides my soul

Stoic

[stoic83]

Wait and Stoic, I hear you... .  I am freelancer, I am responsible for EVERYTHING involving my career and my finances.  I am staying up way too late, crawling out of bed way too late, and am having extreme difficulty getting things done.  I never thought I would be grateful for a drying up of my business, which started happening in November, but I don't think I could be creative on an intense deadline right now.  The only thing that seems to work is actually setting a timer to get something done and playing "beat the clock", and even that is a crapshoot. :/

I hear you... .  Ive done freelancing work too... .  and right now there is a ton of work to do and I dont even want to talk to any of these people... .  I have to be creative. Ive been working on this project for 3 years and Ive had people put a lot of money in to it. I mean, this would be an extremely difficult spot if I wasnt going through this... .  Ive tried lighting candles and smoking joints and listening to european vibey techno music and nothing is working. I am absolutely obsessed with trying to figure out my psychology and everyone elses... .  and Ive just lost it a bit. Im just glad Im focused on myself right now and not anybody else... .  but one of my biz partners has a little daughter... and I try to think about her... .  im so sad that Im this messed up right now... .  everybody is depending on me. How could she have dropped me in this spot? Well i guess she relapsed and I just said enough is enough... .  but it feels like she dropped me regardless. I was worried she was going to hurt herself or me and I had to end it and now I am sitting her with the feeling that I kicked someone out of my life that I loved... .  but i was a trigger for her abandonment rage and I dont want to have my life ruined because I love someone who can't love me back.

Anyways, my T doesnt really understand... .  I mean I must seem extremely disturbed to her. I hope I pull it together soon guys... .  I have always been an acheiver and I dont want to go out like this... .  how can I get my mind right? I dont think I can beat the clock doing programming... .  I was supposed to be Yin and someone else was supposed to be Yang... .  but I am doing all this detailed intricate programming work, and I can't do it... .  my brain is exhausted. I have nightmares every night. I try and pass the time until therapy, and today I didn't feel better after therapy.

Today I admitted that I felt bad about talking poorly of my exwBPD's family... .  and that she told me that it hurt her feelings and I kept talking poorly about them... .  not in a super abusive way, just as in I didn't think they were a good influence on her (mom coverd up molestations... .  etc, bipolar sister who uses men, i think dad molested/raped her) In any case I had so much anger towards these other people that I probably made my ex wBPDs situation worse.

I feel like a bad person for violating these boundaries... .  T did remind me many times that ex's behavior was much more shameful than mine and that I try to take responsibility for her shame... .  in any case, I feel like crap and just want to find my passion... .  

I have no connections with family and my friendships are lame right now, in part due to the fact that I ignored them because of the ex... and was not a very good friend to anybody aside from the exwBPD due to her jealousy issues and my remaining in the relationship too long to the point where I am just not as trusting, giving, loving as I used to be. That is what sucks the most... .  but maybe I do need to be more selfish

And selfish people like money and success, right? So i guess i should just want success and money since i have nobody in my life that deeply cares about me anymore... .  nobody to share it with. Just sucks... maybe I'll end up some traveling poet or something.

All I know is i dont pull it together pretty quickly, I will most definitely be done with... .  no  energy for side work or back up plans. All these people who believed in me will hate me... .  and I will most definitely be in the absolute toilet with no family friends or anything except for my dog who will probably eat me because I have no food for him

My exwBPD told me she hopes I "find people who I let love me" well thanks to her, I am terrified of that proposition.

Luckily, I am almost immediately in a stressful situation. She was my only support network left... .  well she killed off most of it already (or i did due to my ignorance and codependent tendancies dysfunctional childhood... .  )

My support network wasn't that great before then anyways... .  why else would I be in this situation?

I guess I need a new support network.

Oh wait, you guys are my new support network!

Even if i go homeless, I know you guys will listen to my stories and root for me

Go team recovering-nons who have to do work to stave off homelessness and life in the gutter!

[KellyO]

One man in my country has done great job when it comes to healing, and he says: we try to rationalize things with our left side of the brains. Left side can feel only one emotion, and that is panic. More you try to understand and rationalize, more you are in panic. Just put things down, let them be, stop tormenting yourself with panic and before you notice, everything will work fine. This helped me when I felt my brains are so overloaded I will loose my mind. I have a need to understand, and often it just makes things worse. Meditation is a great tool, and it only takes 15 minutes to sit down, close your eyes and let the thoughts flow.

[Changed4safety]

   Stoic!

I'm crawling back from my lowest point about two, three weeks ago.  Slowly.  I'm practicing positive self-talk and it's starting to sink in.  Forcing myself to plan meals and workouts, today I set an alarm though I got to bed late (don't hate me anyone, you don't want my bills).  Read something inspiring with my first cup of coffee.  Went to a meetup and connected with a good bunch of people who know nothing about any of this, how refreshing!  Doing more of the same today.  Looking at the new calendar month as a fresh start.  The exercise and eating right and hydrating is helping--from the outside in, if you can't do it from the inside out.  We'll all hang in there!