Where to start?

[WalkinginFaith]

I was referred to this board from the new members board. I don't know if my H has BPD, but his behavior patterns strongly match many of the described symptoms. I am so thankful I've found this board, but my head is spinning... .  I don't know where to start.

In a nutshell: My H can go from 0-10 (happy-rage) with only a few seconds warning. He is verbally/emotionally violent while angry, and I've been advised to plan an "exit strategy" (for me, my S3, D7) in case he ever turns physical. I have a history of verbal abuse (by my dad abused me when I was a teen) so dealing with his rage is difficult for me.

My H is also very secretive/deceptive. He hides significant financial decisions and life change plans from me. His latest plan (I discovered it when he left an email open on my computer) involves quitting his job, borrowing against our retirement, borrowing over $100K from his parents and going to medical school. He currently is successful in his job, but is already looking for ways to put his plan into action, despite his full knowledge that I don't support his decision.

My H was very upset that I discovered his plan and now is pressuring me to tell him that he did nothing wrong. I told him that I was sorry how he felt, but I could not do that.

I know I need to get myself healthy first, but he watches my every move (reads emails, checks my phone messages) and I don't know how to get therapy help/support without him finding out and blowing up.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Resources you found helpful?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[laelle]

Hun, I dont want to give you any advice on this because I dont feel I am qualified to do so.  These are big decisions, and I dont really have any personal experience with it.

I did want to just show you my concern, care and support for you.  There are some awesome people here on this board, and their advice has been priceless for me.  Take care of you and I am certain that someone will reply shortly with some helpful advice.

[Cloudy Days]

Well, I agree there is a lot of information on this site and it can be very overwhelming. I can't really tell you what to do in your current situation because I control our finances in the marriage. What I can do is tell you what had helped me when I first came to this board.

Learn how to stop making him blow up as often by changing how you respond to him. I would suggest Learning how to stop making things worse and learn how to Validate his feelings. Go through the two links I posted, and don't JADE.


Learn how to stop invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating;all

And learn how to Validate

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

These aren't the only tools to use but it's a good place to start. Once you see what your doing to trigger him you can change your responses so they don't happen as often. Then you can start working on the more difficult lessons easier and you just keep building.

[WalkinginFaith]

Thank you both for your support. I love the articles about validating/invalidating and have read about JADE also. I think these are tangible things I can work on now. We'll see if they have any calming effect on his bursts of anger--praying I see some improvement!

[Rockylove]

Many many resources are available and there are such wonderful people here to give you support.  I have little time at the moment, but wish to respond... .  I'll get back to this tomorrow... .  right now, I'm going to enjoy a few minutes of peace while I can... .  it doesn't always last long  

[Rockylove]

I'm so very sorry that you and your children have to deal with these issues~~it's stressful, to say the least.  Right now you are pregnant and need to take extra steps to avoid stress for yourself and your baby.  I hope you find comfort and wisdom from the information and conversation in this forum. 

I was curious about his rages since you mentioned in your 1st post that he gets depressed several times a year~~is there a definite pattern?  Does he rage only during those times? 

I understand the concept of going from 0 to 10 on the "rage" scale in a few seconds.  I've experienced that as well and for seemingly no reason at all.  That was what led me to read Stop Walking On Eggshells  Up until that time, I had no idea that BPD was a possibility.  Until I read that book, I was completely baffled by his behavior and my co-dependency kicked into high gear... .  I was taking the blame for things that were NOT my fault and falling all over myself apologizing (which is absurd since he'd call me every name in the book and NEVER apologize for his outbursts)! 

What I've learned through reading (as much information as I can get my hands on) was that my bf's outbursts of uncontrollable anger was directly related to his feelings of worthlessness when he's overwhelmed and depressed.  I don't know that to be true for your husband, but I found it helpful to understand what my bf's triggers are and change the way I relate to him during his times of distress.  As a result, he's been more communicative and less likely to lash out at me. 

I'm not pretending to be all enlightened because I know that I slip up and JADE at times, but gaining knowledge has given me ways to cope with situations and a better understanding of when I should put on the armor when he's up for battle.

I hope you find some answers here and from other sources... .  you don't deserve to be treated badly regardless of your spouse's (potential) illness.

[WalkinginFaith]

Thank you Rockylove for you words of comfort. Yes, my H's major depressions (lasting several days to months) occur a couple times a year. There is almost always a big depression in the winter when he decides that he must do something drastic in his life (usually quit his job) because he feels unfulfilled. He's definitely more prone to rages during this time, but even during his "happy times" he can quickly spiral downward for a number of reasons.

Yes, I must try to avoid stress for me and baby but it's not easy in my current circumstance. He knows that I disagree with his current plan to quit his job and is bullying and threatening me whenever he gets a chance in attempts to "win" me to his side. My current homelife is very stressful, and I don't know how to fix it. Obviously, if I let him do what he wants, he will back off and return to his "happy" self. The downside of this is that his decision will create very serious financial and emotional stress for our entire family (including his parents) for many years in the future.

[Rockylove]

I understand the feeling of helplessness under such stressful conditions and I'm glad you were able to find a few moments to post here.  The best advise I can give you is use whatever time you can make to learning what BPD is all about and how you can communicate more effectively with him. 

It sounds as though his parents are very good co-dependents.  I don't mean to be rude about it, but if they have seen his behavioral patterns and are still willing to stick their necks out financially (especially if it causes them distress) they are not helping him make sound decisions.  Have you spoken with them about them NOT giving him any funding? 

As for your stress~~I know it's difficult when you feel under a microscope, but certainly you are allowed doctor's appointments considering you are pregnant?  Talk to your doctor and let him/her know what is happening and where you can go for help.  I know you're on the "staying" board, but if you haven't the freedom to talk to a therapist, you are putting you and yourself in a dangerous position.  Take care of yourself!

[Randi Kreger]

His lying to you--not including you in on his possible plans--and the type of lying that is taking place is a very strong danger sign that he has traits of other cluster B disorders such as narcissism and antisocial personality disorders. His actions could put you in legal and financial hell for the rest of your life. The fact that you have been advised to have an exit plan shows that things are even worse than this. I suggest you put some emotions aside for the moment and deal with your problem of how to avoid this. I suggest demanding openness about any financial and legal plans he has. I try not to give advice too often, but people on this site, in my opinion, are not as aware of the other cluster B PDs and do not always spot danger signs that mean you need to take action now. You may not be able to do this alone right now. I suggest you seek the help of friends and family and a battered women's shelter who can help you take steps to save your live and that of your children. Inaction will hurt you far more than he can--and if you doubt this, you need to get help NOW.

[briefcase]

I know I need to get myself healthy first, but he watches my every move (reads emails, checks my phone messages) and I don't know how to get therapy help/support without him finding out and blowing up.

Any ideas? Suggestions? Resources you found helpful?

I am sorry you are going through this.  I remember how nervous I felt about telling my wife I was going to work with a therapist.  

This is a mindset that you have learned in an effort to cope.  It's walking on eggshells.  We connect our thoughts, words and actions to our partner's emotions and actions.  We can feel profoundly uncomfortable when we perceive that our partners are overly angry or hurt.  We work on detaching a bit from our spouses and partners here, to give them room to feel their own emotions, without us feeling responsible or in control of their emotions.  

It's ok if he feels angry that you want to work with a therapist.  He has a right to feel that way.  That doesn't mean you change your behavior.  You still have a right to feel different about this, and you still have a right to work with a therapist.  Try not to let your fear of his reaction dictate your conduct.  Easier said than done, especially at first.  

Make sure you read our Lessons!  Lots of good stuff there.  Good luck!