Theraputic relationships, what are YOU getting out of it?

[OTH]

Following on from Topic

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=193461.0

I absolutely do not view this as a therapeutic relationship

How is it improving your life? What makes the frustration worth it? Is it holding you back from moving forward or bringing you to a better understand of relationships? What have you learned from continuing the r/s?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hmm, I'm confused or maybe not clearly understanding the question.  Do you mean that by staying in a r/s of some sort with a disordered person, there must be some type of theraputic response/outcome?

It sounds rather clinical, imo, can you clarify? Thanks

CiF

[123Phoebe]

Going into the relationship, I had no idea it would be so therapeutic.  I thought I had found my Prince Charming, perfect in every way   I had him on such a high pedestal there was nowhere for him to go but down, and when he fell off and crashed, so did I!  I fell hard and smashed into a million pieces.

I've since realized that we both had very similar issues in the early days... .    Very emotionally immature.  I wanted to finger point and blame him for the demise of what could have been so wonderful, a fairytale really.  I was extremely vulnerable, recently divorced and wanted to turn him into my future 'perfect' husband that would never leave me; put heavy-duty expectations on him to fit that role.

I've grown up a lot in this relationship and don't believe in fairytale endings, not like that anyway.  You have to actually get to know someone before giving them the title of Mr. My Prince Charming Now Behave Like One

All (kinda) kidding aside, I was also trying to be his perfect partner, only I didn't know him very well and kinda sorta thought I had an idea of what he was looking for.  Never dawned on me that he was actually looking for 'me' - who am I?  He seemed to test me and I'd try to pass the tests by trying to figure out his angle and how he'd expect me to react.  My focus had always been 'other focused', so I was good at figuring stuff like this out, or so I thought... .  

I failed every single test!  He still wasn't Mr. My Prince Charming Now Behave Like One.  I was also having a serious crisis with my Mom at this time... .    She was expecting, no DEMANDING that I be someone I'm not.  Ding Ding Ding, am I behaving like my mother with Mr. My Prince Charming Now Behave Like One?  OMG, no way!  OMG, yes way!

I did a 180* and acted the total opposite.  Not exactly the right thing to do either, as I still wasn't being myself or getting the Prince.

Who am I and what do I want?

I started getting involved in things I'd always had an interest in.  Psychology being one of those things, which brought me to this wonderful place   I read and tried to really take in what was working or not from others.  I didn't want to let either relationship go.  I learned about Boundaries for the first time in my life, because I didn't have any.  I knew when things felt icky, but had no idea what to do with those feelings.  Blame myself for them?  Blame someone else for them?  No one's to blame for them?  They're just feelings?  Huh?  I don't HAVE to act on them?  I then learned to sit with my anxiety, another foreign concept, and the world didn't end.

Now we're getting places... .  

Once the reality of me took hold, the nuts and bolts of some of my own disordered behaviors and beliefs, I opened up a lot to the world around me.  No longer living in my head, searching for an agenda... .    Things became clearer.

I am choosing to stay in this relationship because I want to.  Because I really like him as a person (not an Idea or a Fantasy), and the more I get to know him the more I appreciate him, I enjoy his company, we have a lot of fun together and do interesting things; we have a lot in common.

The frustrating moments have actually been growth spurts or growing pains in a way, forcing me to think and feel outside of the (constructed) box and to get more involved with interests of my own, building myself up as a whole person - not a shattered soul.

I've realized that it takes 2 to make or break a relationship, but we're always individuals with our own separate identities.  Accept people for who they are, not for who you wish them to be.  I've found out that they're even more interesting than I ever could have imagined

                                           

                                                                 


 

[heartandwhole]

Lots of wisdom in your post Phoebe123!  It sounds like you have really found yourself and your voice in this r/s (and out of it) - that is wonderful.  I had a r/s (before pwBPD) where I tried to "fake it," convincing myself that I was okay with the way things were, but realized much later that I was going against my values.  I think this really has to come from genuine acceptance, and not sorta-kinda-I'll-put-up-with-this-to-avoid-abandonment-or-get-what-I-want.

I feel so much better now that I've found some boundaries, and have learned that what I want matters. It's liberating!  And also it gives others the chance to love me for who I really am, not the superwoman that I thought they wanted and needed.  I was really cheating them out of knowing the real me  

It is too late for me and my pwBPD, but these are great lessons for all relationships, so thank you for sharing!  

[SunflowerFields]

You have to actually get to know someone before giving them the title of Mr. My Prince Charming Now Behave Like One

Ding ding ding! I've realized in my journey, his holds not just for BPD r/s's, but for all relationships.

Well said. I'm so stealing this!

[OTH]

It was a question not a statement. 

Hmm, I'm confused or maybe not clearly understanding the question.  Do you mean that by staying in a r/s of some sort with a disordered person, there must be some type of theraputic response/outcome?

It sounds rather clinical, imo, can you clarify? Thanks

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

I said I didn't understand the question, obviously its just me 

CiF

[OTH]

I said I didn't understand the question, obviously its just me  

CiF

This was broken up from a previous thread. The discussion was centered around a poster who is attempting to continue as friends. A lot of discussion was centered around what that took. I was curious to see what the response would be from another angle.  I think it helps to clarify where we are at when we can clearly articulate responses to complex questions. When do we continue a relationship or decide to end it? What do we hope it brings us if it has been such a struggle and it hasn't yet lived up to its promise? Does hope spring eternal... .  only to relationship partners of people with BPD?  

[Wanda]

feburary 14th i have been married to a BPD for 15 years i have also known that long finding out right after we married.

at first i was like most hoping for the best living in fantacy land

, i can say now i am in reality, i acceted things  the way they are, i don't expect things to change or or him to change. i can say 15 years ago it was horrible. now 15 years later it is so much better.  due to accepting that my husband has BPD. and accepting what is. THis has been real THerapudic for me, i have learned so much and i thank him for that. he has taught me strength.  i learned boundaries and the tools i needed to survive.

i learned  that the only way things would change  is for me to change things. i told him many years ago if tihngs didn't get better all i wanted was better, i was out. THat was 15 years ago.

THings did get better and i am still in the marriage for 15 years   . oh and he is undiagnoised... .  if we were to ever divorce i think we could remain friends if he was willing. due to i know he has a condition a disease and i accepted that long ago. how he acts at times  is all part of this disease. i was married before now talk about fantacy... my husband now is better then what i had.and my husband now has BPD...