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Author Topic: Discarded and really just dont get it? Anyone feel like this?  (Read 4745 times)
Discarded26
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« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2013, 09:37:26 AM »

It IS cruel to us ((Discarded)) we are the ones who invest and are CHEATED of an healthy relationship with the person that we have loved the most... .  it is so cruel... .  

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good?

I understand your confusion but since you have separated from him; it only seems to me that you may be torturing yourself by asking this... .  WHO KNOWS and at this point, if you "who CARES", you might be the only one... .  he may not even be aware that the has "done anything wrong"... .  it is sad, they are clueless... .  I believe and sense that I am "painted black" and there is nothing that I can do about it... .  will that change, I doubt it.

Excerpt
Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?

When I separate from my uBPDso, I already told him that there are NO MORE CHANCES... .  I think that you need to make that decision for yourself as well... since he is not willing to "treat you with love" as he promised, he doesn't deserve a second chance... .  mine doesn't and won't get one if/when I leave... .  it will be for good... .  MY good... .  

It's soo cruel, just hurts like hell just to be chucked away, I know he doesn't care, and that's prob why it hurts so much

I don't think I'm torturing myself, I just getting all my thoughts and feelings out. I just have to accept he does not care, he's moved on, and I will never know the full truth. I think the work thing was partly true, but had to be more to to it. Just to cut me off like that

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy
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« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2013, 09:37:37 AM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!
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« Reply #32 on: February 07, 2013, 09:44:33 AM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?
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« Reply #33 on: February 07, 2013, 03:22:15 PM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?

Yes, I was recently discarded. 27 month affair, soul mates, a god among men, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). then discarded in a matter of a few days/weeks.
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« Reply #34 on: February 07, 2013, 03:31:04 PM »

I think I get it, I used to think it was "true love" and we needed to be together.

Its worse than that... .  I have been digging in to a few questions that gnaw at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and,  Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing... .  I slept with her as much as I could and it was intense.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them, they are in the spot of our prime relationship... .  we are acting with the needy 3 yr old in us... ick! Not my favorite revelation. Clearly the pwBPD has issues AND SO DO WE.

Get T

The reason it's so intense, is that the BPD partner has little sense of self, and often self esteem issues. So what they frequently do is become like their partner. It's like they held a mirror up to us, so of course you fell in love and found your soul mate. You found the other sex version of yourself!

On top of that, there is a definite attraction between BPD sufferers and people who are narcissistic. Narcissists are people pleasers, they desire to be liked and loved, they want to "save" people. I myself have narcissistic tendencies, though by no means am I a full blown narcissist.

I wanted to save my ex, save her from her mood swings, be with her, comfort her, love her, take her places that her ex husband never took her-because he was, of course, a bad man for never traveling with her except for a few trips when his brother and her sister in law went along.

So there is a natural attraction here. The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help. The BPD affected one is the damsel in distress, lurching from dramatic personal crisis and illness, to the next dramatic personal crisis and mystery illness, which always seems to subside as quickly as it popped up.
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Discarded26
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« Reply #35 on: February 07, 2013, 04:06:32 PM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?

Yes, I was recently discarded. 27 month affair, soul mates, a god among men, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). then discarded in a matter of a few days/weeks.

Ah, I was dif, the one. Blah Blah, meant nothing in the end. I'm sure hes happy as pie though while I'm left picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Some people really are cruel
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« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2013, 07:38:01 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #37 on: February 08, 2013, 08:16:15 AM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

They are knights of lies, that's for sure
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« Reply #38 on: February 08, 2013, 11:33:27 AM »

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy

It is a crazy existence but I have "burned bridges" that I have to rebuild in order to physically leave him. I have been doing better since being in counseling since August. Knowing that I am ONLY responsible for myself and learning HOW to take better care of myself is my priority after my child. I LONG for a healthy relationship... .  I know couples who have them... .  I am TIRED of mental illness ruining relationships... .  It hurts less and less but I think that I am just 'NUMB' so I can exist here with him until we can leave. NEVER NEVER again will I get involve/trust/stay involved with a mentally ill man... .  NEVER and I mean NEVER.

Have you thought about some counseling so you can talk out your feelings? Start focusing on you and YOUR healing. You are worth it.
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« Reply #39 on: February 08, 2013, 01:32:39 PM »

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy

It is a crazy existence but I have "burned bridges" that I have to rebuild in order to physically leave him. I have been doing better since being in counseling since August. Knowing that I am ONLY responsible for myself and learning HOW to take better care of myself is my priority after my child. I LONG for a healthy relationship... .  I know couples who have them... .  I am TIRED of mental illness ruining relationships... .  It hurts less and less but I think that I am just 'NUMB' so I can exist here with him until we can leave. NEVER NEVER again will I get involve/trust/stay involved with a mentally ill man... .  NEVER and I mean NEVER.

Have you thought about some counseling so you can talk out your feelings? Start focusing on you and YOUR healing. You are worth it!

Well you seem very strong to me, would take ALOT to do that, but you seem focused on you and your child and what's best.

I think I'm just realizing I meant nothing. Why I'm hurting so much. He made me trust and love him, just to discard me when his job becomes more important. Just hurts really badly, and I wish I wasn't upset. But I am. And I'm realizing I need to move on. He's prob already got someone else, he needs attention and love. Just funny how he can throw mine away so easy.

When he chased me, he told me all the things I wanted to hear, he did all the running and got what he wanted. Then bye bye me
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« Reply #40 on: February 08, 2013, 08:24:58 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.
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« Reply #41 on: February 10, 2013, 06:59:12 AM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 
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« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2013, 06:14:13 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?
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« Reply #43 on: February 12, 2013, 04:50:53 AM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.
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« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2013, 04:58:28 AM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.

An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.

It's important to understand the distinction between these two very different manifestations of narcissism.
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« Reply #45 on: February 12, 2013, 05:28:25 AM »

((Discarded)) Same old BPD Bull___... .  ignore it, delete or block him... .  he is trying to "~" (suck you back) into relationship with him... .  if you really want to end the BPD craziness... .  IGNORE them and do NOT engage... .  you deserve better than this and he is NOT promising anything new... .  same old promises that, if you are like me, have been broken     too many times to even consider promises. As with my EX Narcissistic H, I realized that "it was NOT about me" and his promises though he pretended to go to counseling, really meant NOTHING... .  there was NO change... .  there was NO hope... .  only more abuse. 

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.



I remember one book I read, can't recall the title right now... .  called this kind of Narcissist the "good guy"     ... .  this was my EXh, my son's father. He would not allow anyone to SEE what he was doing, gaslighting around and all the time wanting to "look so good"... .  they are delusional. It just goes back to the TRUTH that "we need to have a good relationship with ourselves before we can have one with others"... .   They don't have it with themselves, are trying to "put on a face" for others and aren't "real" in my book.

Excerpt
An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.



The NPD characteristics of my pwBPD have grown much BIGGER and LOUDER over time. Malignant for sure.

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« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2013, 05:35:48 AM »

((Discarded)) Same old BPD Bull___... .  ignore it, delete or block him... .  he is trying to "recycle" (suck you back) into relationship with him... .  if you really want to end the BPD craziness... .  IGNORE them and do NOT engage... .  you deserve better than this and he is NOT promising anything new... .  same old promises that, if you are like me, have been broken  :'( :'( :'( too many times to even consider promises. As with my EX Narcissistic H, I realized that "it was NOT about me" and his promises though he pretended to go to counseling, really meant NOTHING... .  there was NO change... .  there was NO hope... .  only more abuse.   

I did ignore it, wasn't ever expecting to hear off him again. Be 4 weeks tomorrow. But he hasn't sent anymore txts's so I don't get the point of it? And more shocking that he had my number in his phone still. I sure haven't got his.

If he was serious I would of got a txt the next day, but nope, just Sat night drunk txts. Just to play with my head isn't it? To remind me he's there?


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« Reply #47 on: February 12, 2013, 06:55:06 AM »

As much as they are afraid of intimacy; they are afraid of ABANDONMENT; even if they push us away. It is crazy. He isn't "there" FOR YOU... .  and I will have to remind myself that the same man that I know right now is NOT going to change when I leave and NO text is going to convince me otherwise.

You are doing great ((discarded)), maybe we should call you "freeatlast"?   
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« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2013, 07:26:38 AM »

As much as they are afraid of intimacy; they are afraid of ABANDONMENT; even if they push us away! It is crazy. He isn't "there" FOR YOU... .  and I will have to remind myself that the same man that I know right now is NOT going to change when I leave and NO text is going to convince me otherwise.

You are doing great ((discarded)), maybe we should call you "freeatlast"?   

I know that deep down  Just mind games and making me think he cares. He doesn't care at all.

Hurts to know that. Just hope I don't hear anything else, cos just messes with my head

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away?  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #49 on: February 12, 2013, 01:37:48 PM »

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away? 

((Discarded)) so sorry that you are still hurting  ... .  keep working on YOU and taking good care of yourself... .  he treated you the way he did because of HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF... .  it is sad but ONLY HE can help it in any real way.

I am working on a resume, getting job ideas, thinking I may like to get into a restaurant as a cook and then GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL. My dream come true... .  As far as moving out, I think that I can do this for "some time" before we would really HAVE TO leave... .  I could save money and buy a car, my son will be starting a new school and it is closer to home and he will be able to take the bus and I will have more freedom to work outside the home, etc... .  

I would LOVE to move out by the summer but thinking now, that I really DON'T HAVE TO GO until I am ready... .  he owes that to me and he enjoys my attention; cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of pets too much to "push me out" again now that he knows that I WANT TO GO... .  he is walking gently... .  I have made it clear to him that I won't "fight" with him because there is NOTHING to fight for... .  there is NO relationship between us. I don't bring up topics of HIS health or ADDICTION. He will be dealing with those ALONE... .  
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« Reply #50 on: February 12, 2013, 02:13:12 PM »

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away?  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

((Discarded)) so sorry that you are still hurting  ... .  keep working on YOU and taking good care of yourself... .  he treated you the way he did because of HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF... .  it is sad but ONLY HE can help it in any real way.

I am working on a resume, getting job ideas, thinking I may like to get into a restaurant as a cook and then GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL! My dream come true... .  As far as moving out, I think that I can do this for "some time" before we would really HAVE TO leave... .  I could save money and buy a car, my son will be starting a new school and it is closer to home and he will be able to take the bus and I will have more freedom to work outside the home, etc... .  

I would LOVE to move out by the summer but thinking now, that I really DON'T HAVE TO GO until I am ready... .  he owes that to me and he enjoys my attention; cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of pets too much to "push me out" again now that he knows that I WANT TO GO... .  he is walking gently... .  I have made it clear to him that I won't "fight" with him because there is NOTHING to fight for... .  there is NO relationship between us. I don't bring up topics of HIS health or ADDICTION. He will be dealing with those ALONE... .  

Am hurting quite a bit, I just don't get the point of the txts? 

It was like putting a biscuit out for a dog, say all the things I wanted to hear a month ago, then go silent on me again.

It cruel and just don't see the point? Then cos I didn't reply got accused of being with a friend of mine 

Wow that sound's amazing, a full on leaving plan that. You must be very strong, wish I was as strong as you. My head's just all over the place

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« Reply #51 on: February 12, 2013, 07:48:50 PM »

Am hurting quite a bit, I just don't get the point of the txts?  

What I have learned about BPD and any mental illness actually is that a person who is mentally ill BEHAVES, FEELS and even VIEWS THEMSELVES, LIFE and US in ways that we might never understand. I think that conflict within themselves will never allow HIM to understand WHY he texted you... .  


Excerpt
It was like putting a biscuit out for a dog, say all the things I wanted to hear a month ago, then go silent on me again.It cruel and just don't see the point? Then cos I didn't reply got accused of being with a friend of mine  

All to deflect from himself, his feelings and his behavior toward you and BLAME YOU for his problems... .  very mentally UNHEALTHY.

Excerpt
Wow that sound's amazing, a full on leaving plan that. You must be very strong, wish I was as strong as you. My head's just all over the place

I have studied mental illness for a while... .  been with an OCPD/NPD or at least a man who was very manipulative, controlling, lying, backstabbing and verbally and emotionally discounting and abusive and IN DENIAL... .  I HAD to grow through my pain and GET through it. Trying to "understand them" does not help us heal, we need to understand ourselves.

Have you gotten any help in dealing with this? Talked to a trusted professional who could understand and help give you some healthy perspective on this and his illness? I highly recommend it. If I am mentally and emotionally HEALTHY... .  and I AM... .  it is because I realized that "I needed help" when I was confused and hurting the most.  You can do it, JUST FOCUS MORE ON YOU... .  you are worth it. <3 (check out my blog at newsong4him.blogspot.com... .  a LOT of my personal experience, understanding "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"... .  hope you will realize that YOU can be a SURVIVOR  of (BPD) abuse as well as me and many, many others... .  Hugs. <3


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« Reply #52 on: February 13, 2013, 05:16:38 AM »

Think if it wasn't such a long history and brain washed me into thinking we both felt the same would be so much easier.

I'm 50% there, haven't cried in ages, don't feel depressed as I did, just them texts played with me mind a bit, but deep down I know they meant nothing. Was all about him him him. Not me and my feelings.

I just need to start getting myself back together again  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2013, 08:40:45 AM »

Hmm the dreading V day today!

Feel a bit down, but suppose that's normal in a way I guess.

Just wish I didn't let the breadcrumbs from last week get to me, heard nothing since, which say's it all 

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« Reply #54 on: February 14, 2013, 09:05:59 AM »

  Happy Valentine's Day 

Just think of today as a DAY CLOSER to you being healed and whole and happy after a relationship with a pwBPD. CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE... .  the love that YOU have for YOU... .  that is what I am doing. I have a son and we have already exchanged Vday gifts; I got him a 2 dvd set and he "bought" me a set of pretty pink austrian crystal earrings (inexpensive)... .   I got a homemade card from a friend and bought myself a small group of planted tulips... .  

Go do something nice for you... .  even if it is small and CELEBRATE that you are free to be you... .  it will get better... .  who knows, maybe one day you can really celebrate this with someone who really loves you and deserves your love   I hope to do that too... .  
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« Reply #55 on: February 14, 2013, 09:43:25 AM »

 Happy Valentine's Day 

Just think of today as a DAY CLOSER to you being healed and whole and happy after a relationship with a pwBPD. CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE... .  the love that YOU have for YOU... .  that is what I am doing. I have a son and we have already exchanged Vday gifts; I got him a 2 dvd set and he "bought" me a set of pretty pink austrian crystal earrings (inexpensive)... .   I got a homemade card from a friend and bought myself a small group of planted tulips... .  

Go do something nice for you... .  even if it is small and CELEBRATE that you are free to be you... .  it will get better... .  who knows, maybe one day you can really celebrate this with someone who really loves you and deserves your love   I hope to do that too... .  

Awww thank you, you to   

That sounds really sweet with you and your son, kinda did the same thing, but with my sis, she bought me a nice top (both shopaholics Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

I know I should be glad, got a lucky escape etc, just sometimes it's hard. Guess it was the abandonment and the last kick in the teeth with them unexpected drunk texts, set me back, only a lil. Reminds me of the loneliness etc

I'm getting there slowly though, just need to keep reminding myself, hes not worth it the way he treated me.

Hopefully I'll meet the right man, though I'd have to be lucky for that ha ha  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) and hopefully your soon be free to 
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jaird
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« Reply #56 on: February 14, 2013, 01:39:34 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.

An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.

It's important to understand the distinction between these two very different manifestations of narcissism.

Yes, thank you. One of the moderators sent me links that explain the difference. I see that I am not a Gordon Gecko type narcissist at all, not that I ever thought I was. But my ex and I were clearly codependent.
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jaird
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« Reply #57 on: February 14, 2013, 01:41:40 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.

Yes, breadcrumbs. Now I understand that term better. Mine has been going away and then sort of coming back again for the past two weeks. If I take the bait, and tell her I might be interested, she pulls the rug out from under me again. She even goes as far as to say her overtures were not overtures, or she never made them. SMH... .  yet again
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Discarded26
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« Reply #58 on: February 14, 2013, 03:38:36 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.

Yes, breadcrumbs. Now I understand that term better. Mine has been going away and then sort of coming back again for the past two weeks. If I take the bait, and tell her I might be interested, she pulls the rug out from under me again. She even goes as far as to say her overtures were not overtures, or she never made them. SMH... .  yet again

Ah the good old breadcrumbs, learnt that myself the last month. Used to read more into it, but the reality is it means NOTHING.

Probably why it hurts more when they do offer the breadcrumbs.

I'm just glad I didn't waste my time replying as he never texted again after them drunk texts. He sure knows how to rub salt into the wound.

Are you not going to go NC? It helps more than you think  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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benny2
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« Reply #59 on: February 14, 2013, 06:33:43 PM »

sounds like my story. Chased me for years, finally we got to be together. A home, our family and going to spend the rest of our lifes together. All went south within a few weeks of me moving in. Lost everything, moved out and he still won't leave me alone.
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