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Author Topic: Discarded and really just dont get it? Anyone feel like this?  (Read 4757 times)
Discarded26
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« Reply #60 on: February 15, 2013, 05:56:11 AM »

sounds like my story. Chased me for years, finally we got to be together. A home, our family and going to spend the rest of our lifes together. All went south within a few weeks of me moving in. Lost everything, moved out and he still won't leave me alone.

Wow that's awful. Lucky I have been left alone, except for them texts last weekend.

It funny how they can just change like the wind on you.

Have you been NC?
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« Reply #61 on: February 15, 2013, 06:28:41 AM »

Hello Discarded... .  I moved from Germany to the US... .  my NPD/BPD-girlfriend told me for one year that she always has been in love with me... .  since 1986... .  and that she is SOO  HAPPY that we finally will have a life together.

After a few days together she began ignoring me... .  now she was SOO BUSY working... .  
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Discarded26
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« Reply #62 on: February 15, 2013, 07:43:34 AM »

Hello Discarded... .  I moved from Germany to the US... .  my NPD/BPD-girlfriend told me for one year that she always has been in love with me... .  since 1986... .  and that she is SOO  HAPPY that we finally will have a life together.

After a few days together she began ignoring me... .  now she was SOO BUSY working... .  

Sound's like me again, mine said the job 'was his other half now'

It more common than I thought, what happens.

Just shame it hurts so damn much, while they don't have a care in the world about us and what they did and how they left us. Just all about THEM and their ISSUES
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« Reply #63 on: February 15, 2013, 09:43:15 AM »

((diane, almost married and Discarded)) my uBPDso also said that "we were partners" and that he does NOT want to control me but watch me "blossom" when we first reunited.   It only took a few weeks (and one H of a MESS of a HOUSE that he owns and lived in for 7 years alone) for him to dysregulate constantly and blame me for "trying to change him"... .  

So sad. We trusted them. We didn't know they were BPD. We loved them, we may still love them but we ALL deserve better than to have to live with a BPD relationship when we were promised SO MUCH MORE and we thought we had it and it was ripped out of our hands.  Idea
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Discarded26
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« Reply #64 on: February 15, 2013, 11:03:12 AM »

((diane, almost married and Discarded)) my uBPDso also said that "we were partners" and that he does NOT want to control me but watch me "blossom" when we first reunited.   It only took a few weeks (and one H of a MESS of a HOUSE that he owns and lived in for 7 years alone) for him to dysregulate constantly and blame me for "trying to change him"... .  

So sad. We trusted them. We didn't know they were BPD. We loved them, we may still love them but we ALL deserve better than to have to live with a BPD relationship when we were promised SO MUCH MORE and we thought we had it and it was ripped out of our hands.  Idea

That sums it up that last bit, feels like had the love ripped away. But was nothing to rip away, as he didn't care about me really. To walk away like that, and I have to keep reminding myself that. HE DOES NOT CARE!
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« Reply #65 on: February 15, 2013, 11:24:57 AM »

EVEN more than "He does NOT care"... .  is "HE CANNOT CARE"... .  even if they show WANT to caring, it is meaningless unless they are ABLE... .  and they are not.

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HardTruth
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« Reply #66 on: February 15, 2013, 01:13:40 PM »

Discarded - I totally feel for you.  I have absolutely been there, and have been getting better slowly over time.  The initial abandonment is such a shock.  I experienced it as an emotional and physical trauma.  That's why your logical brain can say one thing - I'm glad I got out! - and your emotional/physical body says another - I want him and our love to come back.  It's confusing.  Ultimately, it is often the abandoned and unloved child in us that wins over "logic".

Some people call BPD Impulsive PD.  From my experience, that seems to fit it pretty well.  We get sucked in by all the emotional energy that they offer with their impulsiveness.  It seems so sincere... .  because it really could be in that moment!  So  we don't see the normal "signs" of lying... .  we FEEL their love and sincerity.

The only problem is, they can only stay there for a moment.  Not for days, weeks, months or years.  Like a real partner would.  All too soon, another impulse takes over - I must get away!  I feel uncomfortable!  She must be the reason I'm not feeling good!  She's not right for me! - whatever.  Then they're gone again.

But as time passes, feelings of loneliness and abandonment kick in, and it's back to, I miss her!  I LOVE her!  I want to be with her!

When you ask the question, Why is he doing this?  You are ASSUMING that he has thought out his behavior.  In reality, he probably has not.  It is an IMPULSE.  Not a logical decision that has much meat or stability behind it.  Neither the leaving or the coming.

They should also call BPD Instability Disorder.  It truly is!  I think that's what people mean by "dysregulation".  They have difficulty regulating their emotions, and thus their behaviors.

It doesn't matter what you do.  They are in their own world with this.

You could be his soulmate, but he could never stay there with you.

Seems like people with BPD can hold out for a while... .  look really normal and honest, stable and loving...  Then they hit a trigger - moving in with someone, getting engaged, reaching the 6 month mark... .  whatever it is.  Then off to dysregulation, regardless of what they verbally promised you.

They can't help it.

Their world is torture and they are doing everything they can to manage it.

Just like how you feel now - tormented, can't control your feelings.  You want to feel good, make good decisions for yourself, but it's a struggle.  

From my understanding, BPD experiences this like 10x more than we do!  So, we can choose to make the right decision, even though it's tough.  They have 10x more difficulty doing that.  It might be easier for them to withdraw.

How long did you date the first time, and what happened with the break-up?  Perhaps since you were younger then, you weren't as serious.  So, you didn't quite see that he could abandon you in this way.  Now this time through, there was more commitment and that ended up being a trigger.

Once this starts, it doesn't usually get better.  The "honeymoon" period gets shorter and shorter.  Once you see that someone can abandon you out of the blue, they can do it again and again.  Regardless of WHAT THEY TELL YOU.  Because, you can already see that he has an inability to keep his word.  Even the most well-meaning words.

So sorry.
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« Reply #67 on: February 15, 2013, 01:50:15 PM »

I was reading some of the threads from people with BPD on another board, one that really stuck out with me is that they have a tendency to jump ship right when things are getting good and/or becoming healthy and stable.  This is exactly what happened to me... .  6 weeks away from being reunited with my family, being all under the same roof, things going great.  Then BOOM, she wants to be with some stranger that she has never met before.

It was kind of like- you are choosing to pull this NOW of all times?  It is still almost like it's not real.
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almostmarried

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« Reply #68 on: February 15, 2013, 02:08:11 PM »

There is really nothing you can do about them,nothing... .  unless you want to quit your own life and livin a "stand-by-modus"... .  that´s how I felt.

Every time I connected with my ex-wife,EVERYTIME... .  after EXACTLY 1 week her demons set in... .  and it was once again the beginning from the end.

And boy,I´m gonna tell you... .  I was patient.I suffered.I cried.I hoped.I prayed.I worked on my own issues with a T.

Forget it.

YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO.

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TheDude
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« Reply #69 on: February 15, 2013, 02:08:55 PM »

Discarded is one word. Another is 'disposable'. Whatever the descriptor, the behavior of rejecting/ejecting a partner without any obvious and proportionate reasoning is truly maddening on our end. I've been through this four times over seven years. Not one of those times made any sense to me at all. I started into this relationship with my own life in pretty good shape, but now, facing turning 50 this year, am placed in the position of starting everything from scratch. This, after a forth time of her ending things with all the empathy and compassion of taking out the garbage.

So yes - I know the feeling... .  
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charred
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« Reply #70 on: February 15, 2013, 02:46:44 PM »

Discarded is one word. Another is 'disposable'. Whatever the descriptor, the behavior of rejecting/ejecting a partner without any obvious and proportionate reasoning is truly maddening on our end. I've been through this four times over seven years. Not one of those times made any sense to me at all. I started into this relationship with my own life in pretty good shape, but now, facing turning 50 this year, am placed in the position of starting everything from scratch. This, after a forth time of her ending things with all the empathy and compassion of taking out the garbage.

So yes - I know the feeling... .  

Right there with you. Turned fifty in August. Thought I was going to be with my dream girl finally, instead I am intermittently employed, lost my family to divorce, and am without any girl, have to start everything from scratch. Its been 25 yrs since I was trying to meet women... .  my exBPDgf helped turn my world upside down. Man I hate that disorder.
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« Reply #71 on: February 15, 2013, 02:56:39 PM »

Well... .  I left Germany and moved to the US to be together with my now BPD (w/NPD traits)-exwife.I quit my job,I sold everything,I left everything behind.It was the third attempt to make the relationship work... .  1986,2000 and 2012.I was "the one and only she ever loved and will ever love." She wrote me thousands of e-mails about how much she loves me and about this wonderful relationship we will have together... .  

After ONE WEEK (!) being together in the US she started ignoring me and pushing me away.

Now I´m back to Germany again... .  I know how you guys feel,believe me... .  
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real lady
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« Reply #72 on: February 15, 2013, 03:21:57 PM »

Right there with you. Turned fifty in August.

ME TOO. the 12th... .  what is your birthday?

For me, having THIS milestone PLUS the disappointment and betrayal of pwBPD promises to marry, etc... .  really hit me hard (mom and dad died 15 month apart during this also)... .  

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« Reply #73 on: February 15, 2013, 05:24:16 PM »

Amazing so many of us have had the same general crappy experiences with pwBPD. I still am following the Jodi Arias trial... .  and so far, she seems like a pwBPD, and I feel like ... .  there but for not having pissed off my pwBPD quite as much... .  go I. (She admitted to shooting her BF in the head, knifing him 29 times and slitting his throat... .  after coming by for a booty call)... the trial is her dressing like a virginal librarian while telling stories of her sex escapades and how her killing him is all his fault.

Guess that is what it takes to feel good about how my own r/s with a pwBPD ended... the thought, well it could have been even worse.

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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #74 on: February 15, 2013, 05:59:42 PM »

Discarded, I can remember the feeling as my ex and her family just brushed me out of their lives. In her hearts of hearts, maybe, just maybe she knew she was doing me a favor. It was probably as good a breakup as you can get from a pwBPD. It was just totally shocking to me how for months we were planning a wedding and a family, and she was driving a lot of it and paying for some things out of her own pocket. Then within 2 days after our wedding shower she was hanging out with a co-worker. Just a sign of just how fearful she is of true intimacy. The few of her co-workers who had talked to me are still puzzled by the whole thing. The fact of the illness is the only logic to the borderline r/s. We are the lucky ones... .  I realize that, and I still grieve a bit for her hurt, but it's up to her to heal, or to keep up her destructive relationship dynamics.
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« Reply #75 on: February 15, 2013, 08:00:41 PM »

Charred - Yes, we could be luckier than we realized.  Here is another example expressed in the documentary Dear Zachary.  According to the friend who told me about the movie, the girlfriend was likely BPD.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_Zachary:_A_Letter_to_a_Son_About_His_Father
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Discarded26
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« Reply #76 on: February 16, 2013, 06:59:41 AM »

WOW seems like it's the same patterns. CRAZY!

How it explain they can move in with other ex's and be with them for years but the apparent 'the one' 'love of there life' they cut and run to the hills? 
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real lady
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« Reply #77 on: February 16, 2013, 09:20:32 AM »

... .  the apparent 'the one' 'love of there life' they cut and run to the hills?   

yep, I think so. Their loss, our freedom.
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Discarded26
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« Reply #78 on: February 16, 2013, 10:47:07 AM »

I just don't get that, why run from us? Just another thing that don't make sense
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« Reply #79 on: February 16, 2013, 11:53:27 AM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.
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Discarded26
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« Reply #80 on: February 16, 2013, 12:22:47 PM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.

Then how can they settle with others for years?
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« Reply #81 on: February 16, 2013, 01:02:55 PM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.

Then how can they settle with others for years?

It was truly big eye opener for me to find that some nons can handle a pwBPD's behaviors better than others. There are specific communication skills that can and do help, and these skills are helpful for ANY relationship, not just a relationship with a pwBPD. You can see how these skills are being used everyday on our Staying board here. There ARE success stories. 

My ex did much better, for a time, with one of my replacements. This person was much more educated in these communication skills than I was. Unfortunately for her that relationship didn't last either BUT she was healthier than I had ever seen her during that time. It was a very hard pill to swallow that I had contributed to the demise of our relationship because of my lack of skills in this area. It was a definite (like cold water thrown in my face) wake up call for me
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« Reply #82 on: February 16, 2013, 01:20:53 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached page maximum.  Please feel free to pick up the discussion collegially in another thread.

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