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Author Topic: Discarded and really just dont get it? Anyone feel like this?  (Read 4746 times)
Discarded26
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« on: February 05, 2013, 02:31:28 PM »

So where do I start?

Ex and me have a 10yr history, didn't work out at 1st he was very jealous, age difference etc, both never got over it and finally got in touch with each other 5 - 6yrs later!

Both said to each other 'your the one' 'love of my life' 'never got over each other'

He chased for ages, finally got together, seen each other lots, got me involved with his family, said hes been happiest with me, wanted a life with me, even thought about kids and marriage with me. All great or so I thought

He gets a new job (workaholic) and within 2 weeks at his new job, he hasn't the time for more anymore the job is now his 'other half' (his words). And I'm discarded and got rid of very easily. Total U turn, was nasty when I wanted closure a week later, couldn't even wish me the best. nothing at all, best I got was 'take care'

Great, that's all I get for a year and a half of chasing and making me fall in love with him again.

Heard nothing for nearly 3 weeks now, and worst bit is, he isn't one to let go, ever! So for this to happen, wth? I just don't get it, until I read up on it all.

Only thing that can make sense? Idolize, devalue and then discard

I'm just so confused how little I must of meant  :'(
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Newton
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« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2013, 02:40:58 PM »

Hey Discarded26... .  sounds like you have been through the wringer!   Welcome

So how are things with you two now?... .  are you talking?... .  

What do you mean by "he isn't one to let go, ever!"... .  can you elaborate?
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Discarded26
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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2013, 02:44:02 PM »

Hey Discarded26... .  sounds like you have been through the wringer!   Welcome

So how are things with you two now?... .  are you talking?... .  

What do you mean by "he isn't one to let go, ever!"... .  can you elaborate?

Sure have and I'm coming to terms with it, just hurts soo much how I been discarded more than anything

Haven't spoken for 3 weeks now

I mean he doesn't give up easy, he wanted me back for so many years, and he just does not walk away, but he did do, I was totally discarded like I meant nothing at all, all that time and effort he put in, just to say, ah my new job is my other half now, do one
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Newton
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« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2013, 02:51:39 PM »

Woah... .  thats rough!... .  have you been reading other peoples stories here are or you new to bpdfamily.com?... .  

Why do you think your SO fits the criteria for BPD?... .  

Write as much as you feel comfortable with... .  the more you post... .  the more responses you will get  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Discarded26
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2013, 02:57:13 PM »

Woah... .  thats rough!... .  have you been reading other peoples stories here are or you new to bpdfamily.com?... .  

Why do you think your SO fits the criteria for BPD?... .  

Write as much as you feel comfortable with... .  the more you post... .  the more responses you will get  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Found this forum today, been looking at other websites, but I'm just finding it really hard how someone who apparently loves you does that. Two weeks before it happened, spent new year with him and his family.

I think he fits it because, found out he would make up little lies, say, how much rent he paid, silly things which all added up and I only realized, when I tried getting closure off him. He didnt like me having male mates, yet was ok for him to have female ones. Like hows that fair? He said I was the one, I really thought I meant something and he just discards me soo easily, not even a drunken txt or voicemail. Just totally discarded, which is a shock, as hes always been a person who cant let go. I just dont get it
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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2013, 03:02:08 PM »

I can kind of relate, my expwBPD was crazy about me, got so jelous over me, did some crazy stuff to keep me, and then one day when her now current boyfriend comes alone, I mean nothing to her, she didn't even bat an eye when she found out I slept with someone else.  its tough to take and your self esteem takes a big hit, but reading these boards and realising its nothing personal about you, makes it a lil easier
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Discarded26
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2013, 03:04:14 PM »

I can kind of relate, my expwBPD was crazy about me, got so jelous over me, did some crazy stuff to keep me, and then one day when her now current boyfriend comes alone, I mean nothing to her, she didn't even bat an eye when she found out I slept with someone else.  its tough to take and your self esteem takes a big hit, but reading these boards and realising its nothing personal about you, makes it a lil easier

Yeah its just tough how they can go so madly in love with you, to nothing, just gone
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2013, 03:05:32 PM »

You might not be ready to do this yet, but the sooner you can get a hold of the idea that it's not personal, the sooner you will feel a little better.  It took me a lot of reading and studying, but it finally sunk in.  Mine has left several great women all who loved him as much as they could.  In his mind he wasn't discarding you. They just do what they do and it really has nothing to do with anything really.  It's all just such a mess.  Sorry this happened to you.  Stay here and it will all start making sense ... .  well ... .  that might be an overstatement, but it does help.
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Newton
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2013, 03:09:23 PM »

So as this is the "leaving, detaching" board I'm guessing you have had enough of this behaviour?... .  
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Discarded26
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2013, 03:09:43 PM »

You might not be ready to do this yet, but the sooner you can get a hold of the idea that it's not personal, the sooner you will feel a little better.  It took me a lot of reading and studying, but it finally sunk in.  Mine has left several great women all who loved him as much as they could.  In his mind he wasn't discarding you. They just do what they do and it really has nothing to do with anything really.  It's all just such a mess.  Sorry this happened to you.  Stay here and it will all start making sense ... .  well ... .  that might be an overstatement, but it does help.

I'll never know, I think that's the worst part, and like I keep saying, he isn't one to let go. So just cuts me through extra deep on that bit, just was soo cold towards me. Couldn't even wish me the best and hope I find the right person. Its cruel
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Discarded26
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2013, 03:11:48 PM »

So as this is the "leaving, detaching" board I'm guessing you have had enough of this behaviour?... .  

Oh I'm done. I'm realizing he isn't the person I though he was

It's just getting used to the 'used' feeling, its like abandonment and it's trying to make sense in my head.

I've done the upset stage, the numb stage, I'm on anger at the moment
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Newton
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« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2013, 03:17:25 PM »

Reading here will help you appreciate these emotions are a process... .  anger is a natural part of that process.

Have you found a healthy outlet for that anger (apart from posting here) ?... .  
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Discarded26
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« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2013, 03:21:49 PM »

Reading here will help you appreciate these emotions are a process... .  anger is a natural part of that process.

Have you found a healthy outlet for that anger (apart from posting here) ?... .  

Just venting is my anger. I just feel a fool for believing anything he said. How he changed that quick, just was a huge shock
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Newton
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« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2013, 03:32:39 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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trevjim
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« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2013, 03:37:45 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

yep, I went through many forums trying to find a way to take about my ex and all I got was 'forget about her' and abuse, until I found this one and managed to talk to people who have been through similar things, and only since posting on here do I feel I have made progress in terms of moving on and getting the closure I needed
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Discarded26
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« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2013, 03:38:04 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Aw thank you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just think I've been discarded for good, but in some weird way, want him to get in touch. Is a total mindf***

Though deep down, I know I've been lucky and not been put through more years of this then discarded further down the line. He will never be happy, cos he don't know how to be
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Newton
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« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2013, 03:44:23 PM »

Guys and girls... .  there is a reason I have 1277 posts here (and counting!)... .  this place makes sense!

Read the lessons and workshops, do the hard work our partners or ex's are not willing to do.  I assure you things will improve... .  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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trevjim
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« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2013, 03:47:36 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Aw thank you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just think I've been discarded for good, but in some weird way, want him to get in touch. Is a total mindf***

Though deep down, I know I've been lucky and not been put through more years of this then discarded further down the line. He will never be happy, cos he don't know how to be

a part of me wants my ex to contact me, I still havnt figured out if its for attention, to boost my damaged ego and for our r/s to of meant something, or simply to have her 'back'.  but my head tells me whatever reason she may contact me for, its gonna result in hurt
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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2013, 03:54:18 PM »

a part of me wants my ex to contact me, I still havnt figured out if its for attention, to boost my damaged ego and for our r/s to of meant something, or simply to have her 'back'.  but my head tells me whatever reason she may contact me for, its gonna result in hurt

For many of us, we've had to accept the fact that contact = pain

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Discarded26
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2013, 04:05:36 PM »

I will just be glad when I stop thinking about him. Cos he sure isnt

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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2013, 04:33:53 PM »

((Discarded)) hon, I am SO glad that you found this forum... .  I take it that you have been reading and trying to make sense of his behavior... .  the more you SEE that it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, the more YOU will be helped whether he gets help or not.

I REALLY understand your situation. I have a similar but with MORE years together the first time, two marriages for each of us in between and back together after 25 year and I was "painted black" and felt rejected, unloved and discarded within 6 months AFTER MOVING and giving up my life as I knew it to be with him, finally. BROKEN promises, betrayal, whirlwind romance that we spoke of as TRUE LOVE... .  now I am "on the outside" looking IN and I hate it.

I don't understand how he is "not letting go" but hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks... .  would you like to elaborate on this? This would be time for you to "slip away" or give an ultimatum as to his promises to you... .  if he doesn't come through then you know where you stand with him... .  it is NOT your fault... .  pwBPD choose the most loving, intelligent and sensitive (care taking) partners... .  

Yes, I have felt discarded, BETRAYED and I have moments that I am sorry that I reunited with him; other times, I know that if I had not, I would still be loving him from afar... .  maybe I will be doing that again soon... .  and forever.

Wishing you the best in this... .  take good care of yourself. 
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Discarded26
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« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2013, 05:43:40 AM »

((Discarded)) hon, I am SO glad that you found this forum... .  I take it that you have been reading and trying to make sense of his behavior... .  the more you SEE that it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, the more YOU will be helped whether he gets help or not.

I REALLY understand your situation. I have a similar but with MORE years together the first time, two marriages for each of us in between and back together after 25 year and I was "painted black" and felt rejected, unloved and discarded within 6 months AFTER MOVING and giving up my life as I knew it to be with him, finally. BROKEN promises, betrayal, whirlwind romance that we spoke of as TRUE LOVE... .  now I am "on the outside" looking IN and I hate it.

I don't understand how he is "not letting go" but hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks... .  would you like to elaborate on this? This would be time for you to "slip away" or give an ultimatum as to his promises to you... .  if he doesn't come through then you know where you stand with him... .  it is NOT your fault... .  pwBPD choose the most loving, intelligent and sensitive (care taking) partners... .  

Yes, I have felt discarded, BETRAYED and I have moments that I am sorry that I reunited with him; other times, I know that if I had not, I would still be loving him from afar... .  maybe I will be doing that again soon... .  and forever.

Wishing you the best in this... .  take good care of yourself. 

Wow like we have the same story, I sure have been painted black, and it was a shock because I never had a clue that is what was awaiting me

I mean he can't let go as in when 1st split up, took 7 months for him to realize it was over, he kept going back to his ex to etc. He like a obsessive kinda person, so for him to paint me black and walk away soo coldly and harsh. That's what I cant get my head around? At all? I think that's the thing that hurts the most. I can get my head around that hes a liar, fed me a fantasy, but walking away? Wow it's got me that bit
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« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2013, 06:34:36 AM »

  For me, learning "radical acceptance"... .  accepting him AS HE IS and NOT holding onto hope that he we "turn back into" the man I loved... .  or he will suddenly decide NOT to treat me this way... .  has been the MOST healing for me. Hope you find it for yourself... .  their fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy has them doing "the dance" between passionate commitment and betrayal... .  they only "recycle" if we allow it... .  sometimes we have to SAY NO and walk away and stop caring about them. They are responsible for themselves... .  we are just NO LONGER allowing them to be responsible for us in any way and we have to learn to NOT put our energies into worrying about whether they "get it"... .  we have learned here at bpdfamily.com that they are VERY UNLIKELY to do anything different from what they have done after we are painted black... .  

Hope that helps... .  
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« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2013, 07:13:21 AM »

 For me, learning "radical acceptance"... .  accepting him AS HE IS and NOT holding onto hope that he we "turn back into" the man I loved... .  or he will suddenly decide NOT to treat me this way... .  has been the MOST healing for me. Hope you find it for yourself... .  their fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy has them doing "the dance" between passionate commitment and betrayal... .  they only "recycle" if we allow it... .  sometimes we have to SAY NO and walk away and stop caring about them. They are responsible for themselves... .  we are just NO LONGER allowing them to be responsible for us in any way and we have to learn to NOT put our energies into worrying about whether they "get it"... .  we have learned here at bpdfamily.com that they are VERY UNLIKELY to do anything different from what they have done after we are painted black... .  

Hope that helps... .  

Yeah I am trying to accept it. I realize I was in love with the fantasy he made me think he was/was going to be/life he wanted with me. Wasn't real. Just feels like one big con and the jokes on me.

Do you mean very unlikely there change? I can accept that. I don't want to be with him anymore, it's just getting over the 'used' feeling I have. Just feel such a fool, he made me open up to him, trust, love. Knew I was fragile, and just walked away. Really does hurt, and I wish it didn't
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« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2013, 07:27:24 AM »

I understand why "you just don't get it" it's not normal to cut people out of your life the way they do after "loving" you. Mine forced me to break up with him and did nothing to reconcile and cut contact off for many weeks. We have been back in touch since, but it has NEVER returned to the way it used to be. And I'm glad you don't want to go back there anyway, because number one, it won't happen and number two, even if it did happen, he'd turn right back around and discard you again, putting you right back at square one. Just know that it is really not an intentional discard, "I want to hurt you buy cutting you out of my life" kind of thing. It is a mental disorder and this is how their brain functions. It is a built in coping mechanism. I too had issues with the idea of being used and mislead and lied to. But really, none of it is intentional and it's not personal, please try to understand that as best you can.
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2013, 07:43:17 AM »

I think I get it, I used to think it was "true love" and we needed to be together.

Its worse than that... .  I have been digging in to a few questions that gnaw at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and,  Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing... .  I slept with her as much as I could and it was intense.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them, they are in the spot of our prime relationship... .  we are acting with the needy 3 yr old in us... ick! Not my favorite revelation. Clearly the pwBPD has issues AND SO DO WE.

Get T
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« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2013, 01:25:30 PM »

Yeah I am trying to accept it. I realize I was in love with the fantasy he made me think he was/was going to be/life he wanted with me. Wasn't real. Just feels like one big con and the jokes on me.

Do you mean very unlikely there change?

((Discarded)) this is JUST how I feel as well... .  I am so sorry... .  ... .  I feel that it is VERY UNLIKELY for my uBPDso to change... .  he doesn't "know" any other way to live... .  since he has me, he is not likely to see that HE has a problem... .  he might not even admit it to himself WHEN I leave... .  I can't live like this; with the constant "in your face" reminder of such heartbreak... .  

Excerpt
I don't want to be with him anymore, it's just getting over the 'used' feeling I have.

Well THAT is good that you don't want to be with him... .  TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF and instead of thinking you were a "fool" (I have felt the same way) SEE HIM AS A FOOL FOR LOSING YOU... .  HE really is the BIG loser here... .  
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2013, 01:44:51 PM »

My head is just all over the place. Feel like I've lost out, but I know I haven't. I've had a lucky escape, just will take a while for me head and heart to realize that

Think he just likes to be unhappy. He obviously wants to be with people who cheat and lie to him, then he looks the good guy, id hate to think what he told his family n friends about it. But I know, shouldn't even care

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good? Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?
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« Reply #28 on: February 07, 2013, 07:28:08 AM »

You know what I cant get my head around? The walking away without a care in the world, that side of things is doing my head in. Just cut off like never was there, its cruel
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« Reply #29 on: February 07, 2013, 09:22:30 AM »

It IS cruel to us ((Discarded)) we are the ones who invest and are CHEATED of an healthy relationship with the person that we have loved the most... .  it is so cruel... .  

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good?

I understand your confusion but since you have separated from him; it only seems to me that you may be torturing yourself by asking this... .  WHO KNOWS and at this point, if you "who CARES", you might be the only one... .  he may not even be aware that the has "done anything wrong"... .  it is sad, they are clueless... .  I believe and sense that I am "painted black" and there is nothing that I can do about it... .  will that change, I doubt it.

Excerpt
Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?

When I separate from my uBPDso, I already told him that there are NO MORE CHANCES... .  I think that you need to make that decision for yourself as well... since he is not willing to "treat you with love" as he promised, he doesn't deserve a second chance... .  mine doesn't and won't get one if/when I leave... .  it will be for good... .  MY good... .  

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