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Author Topic: Discarded and really just dont get it? Anyone feel like this?  (Read 4743 times)
Discarded26
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« on: February 05, 2013, 02:31:28 PM »

So where do I start?

Ex and me have a 10yr history, didn't work out at 1st he was very jealous, age difference etc, both never got over it and finally got in touch with each other 5 - 6yrs later!

Both said to each other 'your the one' 'love of my life' 'never got over each other'

He chased for ages, finally got together, seen each other lots, got me involved with his family, said hes been happiest with me, wanted a life with me, even thought about kids and marriage with me. All great or so I thought

He gets a new job (workaholic) and within 2 weeks at his new job, he hasn't the time for more anymore the job is now his 'other half' (his words). And I'm discarded and got rid of very easily. Total U turn, was nasty when I wanted closure a week later, couldn't even wish me the best. nothing at all, best I got was 'take care'

Great, that's all I get for a year and a half of chasing and making me fall in love with him again.

Heard nothing for nearly 3 weeks now, and worst bit is, he isn't one to let go, ever! So for this to happen, wth? I just don't get it, until I read up on it all.

Only thing that can make sense? Idolize, devalue and then discard

I'm just so confused how little I must of meant  :'(
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Newton
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« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2013, 02:40:58 PM »

Hey Discarded26... .  sounds like you have been through the wringer!   Welcome

So how are things with you two now?... .  are you talking?... .  

What do you mean by "he isn't one to let go, ever!"... .  can you elaborate?
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Discarded26
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« Reply #2 on: February 05, 2013, 02:44:02 PM »

Hey Discarded26... .  sounds like you have been through the wringer!   Welcome

So how are things with you two now?... .  are you talking?... .  

What do you mean by "he isn't one to let go, ever!"... .  can you elaborate?

Sure have and I'm coming to terms with it, just hurts soo much how I been discarded more than anything

Haven't spoken for 3 weeks now

I mean he doesn't give up easy, he wanted me back for so many years, and he just does not walk away, but he did do, I was totally discarded like I meant nothing at all, all that time and effort he put in, just to say, ah my new job is my other half now, do one
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Newton
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« Reply #3 on: February 05, 2013, 02:51:39 PM »

Woah... .  thats rough!... .  have you been reading other peoples stories here are or you new to bpdfamily.com?... .  

Why do you think your SO fits the criteria for BPD?... .  

Write as much as you feel comfortable with... .  the more you post... .  the more responses you will get  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Discarded26
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« Reply #4 on: February 05, 2013, 02:57:13 PM »

Woah... .  thats rough!... .  have you been reading other peoples stories here are or you new to bpdfamily.com?... .  

Why do you think your SO fits the criteria for BPD?... .  

Write as much as you feel comfortable with... .  the more you post... .  the more responses you will get  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Found this forum today, been looking at other websites, but I'm just finding it really hard how someone who apparently loves you does that. Two weeks before it happened, spent new year with him and his family.

I think he fits it because, found out he would make up little lies, say, how much rent he paid, silly things which all added up and I only realized, when I tried getting closure off him. He didnt like me having male mates, yet was ok for him to have female ones. Like hows that fair? He said I was the one, I really thought I meant something and he just discards me soo easily, not even a drunken txt or voicemail. Just totally discarded, which is a shock, as hes always been a person who cant let go. I just dont get it
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« Reply #5 on: February 05, 2013, 03:02:08 PM »

I can kind of relate, my expwBPD was crazy about me, got so jelous over me, did some crazy stuff to keep me, and then one day when her now current boyfriend comes alone, I mean nothing to her, she didn't even bat an eye when she found out I slept with someone else.  its tough to take and your self esteem takes a big hit, but reading these boards and realising its nothing personal about you, makes it a lil easier
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Discarded26
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« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2013, 03:04:14 PM »

I can kind of relate, my expwBPD was crazy about me, got so jelous over me, did some crazy stuff to keep me, and then one day when her now current boyfriend comes alone, I mean nothing to her, she didn't even bat an eye when she found out I slept with someone else.  its tough to take and your self esteem takes a big hit, but reading these boards and realising its nothing personal about you, makes it a lil easier

Yeah its just tough how they can go so madly in love with you, to nothing, just gone
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« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2013, 03:05:32 PM »

You might not be ready to do this yet, but the sooner you can get a hold of the idea that it's not personal, the sooner you will feel a little better.  It took me a lot of reading and studying, but it finally sunk in.  Mine has left several great women all who loved him as much as they could.  In his mind he wasn't discarding you. They just do what they do and it really has nothing to do with anything really.  It's all just such a mess.  Sorry this happened to you.  Stay here and it will all start making sense ... .  well ... .  that might be an overstatement, but it does help.
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Newton
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2013, 03:09:23 PM »

So as this is the "leaving, detaching" board I'm guessing you have had enough of this behaviour?... .  
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Discarded26
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« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2013, 03:09:43 PM »

You might not be ready to do this yet, but the sooner you can get a hold of the idea that it's not personal, the sooner you will feel a little better.  It took me a lot of reading and studying, but it finally sunk in.  Mine has left several great women all who loved him as much as they could.  In his mind he wasn't discarding you. They just do what they do and it really has nothing to do with anything really.  It's all just such a mess.  Sorry this happened to you.  Stay here and it will all start making sense ... .  well ... .  that might be an overstatement, but it does help.

I'll never know, I think that's the worst part, and like I keep saying, he isn't one to let go. So just cuts me through extra deep on that bit, just was soo cold towards me. Couldn't even wish me the best and hope I find the right person. Its cruel
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Discarded26
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« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2013, 03:11:48 PM »

So as this is the "leaving, detaching" board I'm guessing you have had enough of this behaviour?... .  

Oh I'm done. I'm realizing he isn't the person I though he was

It's just getting used to the 'used' feeling, its like abandonment and it's trying to make sense in my head.

I've done the upset stage, the numb stage, I'm on anger at the moment
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Newton
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« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2013, 03:17:25 PM »

Reading here will help you appreciate these emotions are a process... .  anger is a natural part of that process.

Have you found a healthy outlet for that anger (apart from posting here) ?... .  
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Discarded26
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« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2013, 03:21:49 PM »

Reading here will help you appreciate these emotions are a process... .  anger is a natural part of that process.

Have you found a healthy outlet for that anger (apart from posting here) ?... .  

Just venting is my anger. I just feel a fool for believing anything he said. How he changed that quick, just was a huge shock
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Newton
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« Reply #13 on: February 05, 2013, 03:32:39 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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trevjim
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« Reply #14 on: February 05, 2013, 03:37:45 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

yep, I went through many forums trying to find a way to take about my ex and all I got was 'forget about her' and abuse, until I found this one and managed to talk to people who have been through similar things, and only since posting on here do I feel I have made progress in terms of moving on and getting the closure I needed
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Discarded26
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« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2013, 03:38:04 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Aw thank you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just think I've been discarded for good, but in some weird way, want him to get in touch. Is a total mindf***

Though deep down, I know I've been lucky and not been put through more years of this then discarded further down the line. He will never be happy, cos he don't know how to be
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Newton
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« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2013, 03:44:23 PM »

Guys and girls... .  there is a reason I have 1277 posts here (and counting!)... .  this place makes sense!

Read the lessons and workshops, do the hard work our partners or ex's are not willing to do.  I assure you things will improve... .  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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trevjim
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« Reply #17 on: February 05, 2013, 03:47:36 PM »

Discarded... .  vent away  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) ... .  many of us here have not only believed our ex's words... .  but gone on to another relationship with a pwBPD when we recognised  red-flags !

Realising we have been mirrored is a shock... .  keep posting, you are in good company. People here get what you are going through!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Aw thank you  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Just think I've been discarded for good, but in some weird way, want him to get in touch. Is a total mindf***

Though deep down, I know I've been lucky and not been put through more years of this then discarded further down the line. He will never be happy, cos he don't know how to be

a part of me wants my ex to contact me, I still havnt figured out if its for attention, to boost my damaged ego and for our r/s to of meant something, or simply to have her 'back'.  but my head tells me whatever reason she may contact me for, its gonna result in hurt
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« Reply #18 on: February 05, 2013, 03:54:18 PM »

a part of me wants my ex to contact me, I still havnt figured out if its for attention, to boost my damaged ego and for our r/s to of meant something, or simply to have her 'back'.  but my head tells me whatever reason she may contact me for, its gonna result in hurt

For many of us, we've had to accept the fact that contact = pain

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Discarded26
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« Reply #19 on: February 05, 2013, 04:05:36 PM »

I will just be glad when I stop thinking about him. Cos he sure isnt

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« Reply #20 on: February 05, 2013, 04:33:53 PM »

((Discarded)) hon, I am SO glad that you found this forum... .  I take it that you have been reading and trying to make sense of his behavior... .  the more you SEE that it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, the more YOU will be helped whether he gets help or not.

I REALLY understand your situation. I have a similar but with MORE years together the first time, two marriages for each of us in between and back together after 25 year and I was "painted black" and felt rejected, unloved and discarded within 6 months AFTER MOVING and giving up my life as I knew it to be with him, finally. BROKEN promises, betrayal, whirlwind romance that we spoke of as TRUE LOVE... .  now I am "on the outside" looking IN and I hate it.

I don't understand how he is "not letting go" but hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks... .  would you like to elaborate on this? This would be time for you to "slip away" or give an ultimatum as to his promises to you... .  if he doesn't come through then you know where you stand with him... .  it is NOT your fault... .  pwBPD choose the most loving, intelligent and sensitive (care taking) partners... .  

Yes, I have felt discarded, BETRAYED and I have moments that I am sorry that I reunited with him; other times, I know that if I had not, I would still be loving him from afar... .  maybe I will be doing that again soon... .  and forever.

Wishing you the best in this... .  take good care of yourself. 
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Discarded26
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« Reply #21 on: February 06, 2013, 05:43:40 AM »

((Discarded)) hon, I am SO glad that you found this forum... .  I take it that you have been reading and trying to make sense of his behavior... .  the more you SEE that it is a MENTAL ILLNESS, the more YOU will be helped whether he gets help or not.

I REALLY understand your situation. I have a similar but with MORE years together the first time, two marriages for each of us in between and back together after 25 year and I was "painted black" and felt rejected, unloved and discarded within 6 months AFTER MOVING and giving up my life as I knew it to be with him, finally. BROKEN promises, betrayal, whirlwind romance that we spoke of as TRUE LOVE... .  now I am "on the outside" looking IN and I hate it.

I don't understand how he is "not letting go" but hasn't contacted you for 3 weeks... .  would you like to elaborate on this? This would be time for you to "slip away" or give an ultimatum as to his promises to you... .  if he doesn't come through then you know where you stand with him... .  it is NOT your fault... .  pwBPD choose the most loving, intelligent and sensitive (care taking) partners... .  

Yes, I have felt discarded, BETRAYED and I have moments that I am sorry that I reunited with him; other times, I know that if I had not, I would still be loving him from afar... .  maybe I will be doing that again soon... .  and forever.

Wishing you the best in this... .  take good care of yourself. 

Wow like we have the same story, I sure have been painted black, and it was a shock because I never had a clue that is what was awaiting me

I mean he can't let go as in when 1st split up, took 7 months for him to realize it was over, he kept going back to his ex to etc. He like a obsessive kinda person, so for him to paint me black and walk away soo coldly and harsh. That's what I cant get my head around? At all? I think that's the thing that hurts the most. I can get my head around that hes a liar, fed me a fantasy, but walking away? Wow it's got me that bit
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« Reply #22 on: February 06, 2013, 06:34:36 AM »

  For me, learning "radical acceptance"... .  accepting him AS HE IS and NOT holding onto hope that he we "turn back into" the man I loved... .  or he will suddenly decide NOT to treat me this way... .  has been the MOST healing for me. Hope you find it for yourself... .  their fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy has them doing "the dance" between passionate commitment and betrayal... .  they only "recycle" if we allow it... .  sometimes we have to SAY NO and walk away and stop caring about them. They are responsible for themselves... .  we are just NO LONGER allowing them to be responsible for us in any way and we have to learn to NOT put our energies into worrying about whether they "get it"... .  we have learned here at bpdfamily.com that they are VERY UNLIKELY to do anything different from what they have done after we are painted black... .  

Hope that helps... .  
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« Reply #23 on: February 06, 2013, 07:13:21 AM »

 For me, learning "radical acceptance"... .  accepting him AS HE IS and NOT holding onto hope that he we "turn back into" the man I loved... .  or he will suddenly decide NOT to treat me this way... .  has been the MOST healing for me. Hope you find it for yourself... .  their fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy has them doing "the dance" between passionate commitment and betrayal... .  they only "recycle" if we allow it... .  sometimes we have to SAY NO and walk away and stop caring about them. They are responsible for themselves... .  we are just NO LONGER allowing them to be responsible for us in any way and we have to learn to NOT put our energies into worrying about whether they "get it"... .  we have learned here at bpdfamily.com that they are VERY UNLIKELY to do anything different from what they have done after we are painted black... .  

Hope that helps... .  

Yeah I am trying to accept it. I realize I was in love with the fantasy he made me think he was/was going to be/life he wanted with me. Wasn't real. Just feels like one big con and the jokes on me.

Do you mean very unlikely there change? I can accept that. I don't want to be with him anymore, it's just getting over the 'used' feeling I have. Just feel such a fool, he made me open up to him, trust, love. Knew I was fragile, and just walked away. Really does hurt, and I wish it didn't
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« Reply #24 on: February 06, 2013, 07:27:24 AM »

I understand why "you just don't get it" it's not normal to cut people out of your life the way they do after "loving" you. Mine forced me to break up with him and did nothing to reconcile and cut contact off for many weeks. We have been back in touch since, but it has NEVER returned to the way it used to be. And I'm glad you don't want to go back there anyway, because number one, it won't happen and number two, even if it did happen, he'd turn right back around and discard you again, putting you right back at square one. Just know that it is really not an intentional discard, "I want to hurt you buy cutting you out of my life" kind of thing. It is a mental disorder and this is how their brain functions. It is a built in coping mechanism. I too had issues with the idea of being used and mislead and lied to. But really, none of it is intentional and it's not personal, please try to understand that as best you can.
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« Reply #25 on: February 06, 2013, 07:43:17 AM »

I think I get it, I used to think it was "true love" and we needed to be together.

Its worse than that... .  I have been digging in to a few questions that gnaw at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and,  Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing... .  I slept with her as much as I could and it was intense.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them, they are in the spot of our prime relationship... .  we are acting with the needy 3 yr old in us... ick! Not my favorite revelation. Clearly the pwBPD has issues AND SO DO WE.

Get T
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« Reply #26 on: February 06, 2013, 01:25:30 PM »

Yeah I am trying to accept it. I realize I was in love with the fantasy he made me think he was/was going to be/life he wanted with me. Wasn't real. Just feels like one big con and the jokes on me.

Do you mean very unlikely there change?

((Discarded)) this is JUST how I feel as well... .  I am so sorry... .  ... .  I feel that it is VERY UNLIKELY for my uBPDso to change... .  he doesn't "know" any other way to live... .  since he has me, he is not likely to see that HE has a problem... .  he might not even admit it to himself WHEN I leave... .  I can't live like this; with the constant "in your face" reminder of such heartbreak... .  

Excerpt
I don't want to be with him anymore, it's just getting over the 'used' feeling I have.

Well THAT is good that you don't want to be with him... .  TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF and instead of thinking you were a "fool" (I have felt the same way) SEE HIM AS A FOOL FOR LOSING YOU... .  HE really is the BIG loser here... .  
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« Reply #27 on: February 06, 2013, 01:44:51 PM »

My head is just all over the place. Feel like I've lost out, but I know I haven't. I've had a lucky escape, just will take a while for me head and heart to realize that

Think he just likes to be unhappy. He obviously wants to be with people who cheat and lie to him, then he looks the good guy, id hate to think what he told his family n friends about it. But I know, shouldn't even care

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good? Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?
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« Reply #28 on: February 07, 2013, 07:28:08 AM »

You know what I cant get my head around? The walking away without a care in the world, that side of things is doing my head in. Just cut off like never was there, its cruel
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« Reply #29 on: February 07, 2013, 09:22:30 AM »

It IS cruel to us ((Discarded)) we are the ones who invest and are CHEATED of an healthy relationship with the person that we have loved the most... .  it is so cruel... .  

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good?

I understand your confusion but since you have separated from him; it only seems to me that you may be torturing yourself by asking this... .  WHO KNOWS and at this point, if you "who CARES", you might be the only one... .  he may not even be aware that the has "done anything wrong"... .  it is sad, they are clueless... .  I believe and sense that I am "painted black" and there is nothing that I can do about it... .  will that change, I doubt it.

Excerpt
Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?

When I separate from my uBPDso, I already told him that there are NO MORE CHANCES... .  I think that you need to make that decision for yourself as well... since he is not willing to "treat you with love" as he promised, he doesn't deserve a second chance... .  mine doesn't and won't get one if/when I leave... .  it will be for good... .  MY good... .  

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« Reply #30 on: February 07, 2013, 09:37:26 AM »

It IS cruel to us ((Discarded)) we are the ones who invest and are CHEATED of an healthy relationship with the person that we have loved the most... .  it is so cruel... .  

I'm just confused if I've been blacked out for good?

I understand your confusion but since you have separated from him; it only seems to me that you may be torturing yourself by asking this... .  WHO KNOWS and at this point, if you "who CARES", you might be the only one... .  he may not even be aware that the has "done anything wrong"... .  it is sad, they are clueless... .  I believe and sense that I am "painted black" and there is nothing that I can do about it... .  will that change, I doubt it.

Excerpt
Or will I get a nasty surprise one day and he gets in touch?

When I separate from my uBPDso, I already told him that there are NO MORE CHANCES... .  I think that you need to make that decision for yourself as well... since he is not willing to "treat you with love" as he promised, he doesn't deserve a second chance... .  mine doesn't and won't get one if/when I leave... .  it will be for good... .  MY good... .  

It's soo cruel, just hurts like hell just to be chucked away, I know he doesn't care, and that's prob why it hurts so much

I don't think I'm torturing myself, I just getting all my thoughts and feelings out. I just have to accept he does not care, he's moved on, and I will never know the full truth. I think the work thing was partly true, but had to be more to to it. Just to cut me off like that

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy
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« Reply #31 on: February 07, 2013, 09:37:37 AM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!
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« Reply #32 on: February 07, 2013, 09:44:33 AM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?
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« Reply #33 on: February 07, 2013, 03:22:15 PM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?

Yes, I was recently discarded. 27 month affair, soul mates, a god among men, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). then discarded in a matter of a few days/weeks.
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« Reply #34 on: February 07, 2013, 03:31:04 PM »

I think I get it, I used to think it was "true love" and we needed to be together.

Its worse than that... .  I have been digging in to a few questions that gnaw at me... .  Why was it so intense?... and,  Why did I have so much trouble breaking free of her? And the answers I came up with, are ... .  really disturbing.

In my case, my mom was cold and detached, her mother died when she was 5 yrs old, and her dad left not long after to be in WW2... so she had real deep attachment issues. So as a little kid my mom wasn't very unconditionally loving, in fact she was kind of distant. We moved every 3-4 yrs and I would lose all my friends and have to start over, and after a while I just kept people at a distance, like you would in a business relationship... .  cordial, but not close enough for it to hurt anyone when you move on... .  and not close enough to be true intimacy at all.

My pwBPD came along and ignored my boundaries that kept people at arms length... and seemed perfect to me... and she idealized me (at first)... and I was smitten. To me... I think deep down it was unconditional love at last.  Then I was confused by the clinging phase, as I had no intention of ever leaving her, and then devastated when she abruptly left me.

The devastation wasn't like a typical girlfriend breakup... had plenty of those, no big deal, it was devastation... .  like losing your mother... and I didn't get over it. I moved away to keep from being suicidal or homicidal (she showed up dating my next door neighbor, when we had been planning to be married a few weeks before)... and it was a good 10 yrs before I functioned normally ... settled down, married. Then some 27 yrs after we had dated... she contacted me on FB and within a month we were back together, I was getting a divorce... and the bad stuff in the r/s started up again.

I am normally very level headed... .  but with her I wasn't... .  and she didn't rate any special consideration, all I can figure is that she slipped in to that spot where a good mother should have been... and from some kind of cockeyed transference thing... .  I attached to her out of my need, like someone would a mother. She was not nice to me much of the time, bossed me around, acted morally high and mighty, and I seemed to hang on her every word. Then I would sometimes step back for a second and have a moment of clarity and think ... What the heck? But the idea that maybe she was so deeply attached to me... .  not because it was true love, but because deep down I was truly needy and she seemed like what I needed (a loving mother)... .  has creeped me out and is disturbing... .  I slept with her as much as I could and it was intense.

Now if I were the only one with this way out of proportion response to their pwBPD... .  I would just be embarrassed. The stories on these boards, the intensity of the relationships, the devastation when they end abruptly... .  I am afraid I am on to the true origin of it all, and it isn't just the pwBPD that is acting with the emotional maturity of a 3 yr old... .  we are right there with them, they are in the spot of our prime relationship... .  we are acting with the needy 3 yr old in us... ick! Not my favorite revelation. Clearly the pwBPD has issues AND SO DO WE.

Get T

The reason it's so intense, is that the BPD partner has little sense of self, and often self esteem issues. So what they frequently do is become like their partner. It's like they held a mirror up to us, so of course you fell in love and found your soul mate. You found the other sex version of yourself!

On top of that, there is a definite attraction between BPD sufferers and people who are narcissistic. Narcissists are people pleasers, they desire to be liked and loved, they want to "save" people. I myself have narcissistic tendencies, though by no means am I a full blown narcissist.

I wanted to save my ex, save her from her mood swings, be with her, comfort her, love her, take her places that her ex husband never took her-because he was, of course, a bad man for never traveling with her except for a few trips when his brother and her sister in law went along.

So there is a natural attraction here. The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help. The BPD affected one is the damsel in distress, lurching from dramatic personal crisis and illness, to the next dramatic personal crisis and mystery illness, which always seems to subside as quickly as it popped up.
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« Reply #35 on: February 07, 2013, 04:06:32 PM »

Welcome to the club, one and all, LOL.

I can see I'm in the right place!

Lol think you might be, discarded to?

Yes, I was recently discarded. 27 month affair, soul mates, a god among men, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). then discarded in a matter of a few days/weeks.

Ah, I was dif, the one. Blah Blah, meant nothing in the end. I'm sure hes happy as pie though while I'm left picking up the pieces of my broken heart. Some people really are cruel
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« Reply #36 on: February 07, 2013, 07:38:01 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #37 on: February 08, 2013, 08:16:15 AM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

They are knights of lies, that's for sure
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« Reply #38 on: February 08, 2013, 11:33:27 AM »

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy

It is a crazy existence but I have "burned bridges" that I have to rebuild in order to physically leave him. I have been doing better since being in counseling since August. Knowing that I am ONLY responsible for myself and learning HOW to take better care of myself is my priority after my child. I LONG for a healthy relationship... .  I know couples who have them... .  I am TIRED of mental illness ruining relationships... .  It hurts less and less but I think that I am just 'NUMB' so I can exist here with him until we can leave. NEVER NEVER again will I get involve/trust/stay involved with a mentally ill man... .  NEVER and I mean NEVER.

Have you thought about some counseling so you can talk out your feelings? Start focusing on you and YOUR healing. You are worth it.
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« Reply #39 on: February 08, 2013, 01:32:39 PM »

So your still with your other half? It's just crazy isn't it. Like a drug, you know it's bad, but some part of you wants more, crazy, crazy

It is a crazy existence but I have "burned bridges" that I have to rebuild in order to physically leave him. I have been doing better since being in counseling since August. Knowing that I am ONLY responsible for myself and learning HOW to take better care of myself is my priority after my child. I LONG for a healthy relationship... .  I know couples who have them... .  I am TIRED of mental illness ruining relationships... .  It hurts less and less but I think that I am just 'NUMB' so I can exist here with him until we can leave. NEVER NEVER again will I get involve/trust/stay involved with a mentally ill man... .  NEVER and I mean NEVER.

Have you thought about some counseling so you can talk out your feelings? Start focusing on you and YOUR healing. You are worth it!

Well you seem very strong to me, would take ALOT to do that, but you seem focused on you and your child and what's best.

I think I'm just realizing I meant nothing. Why I'm hurting so much. He made me trust and love him, just to discard me when his job becomes more important. Just hurts really badly, and I wish I wasn't upset. But I am. And I'm realizing I need to move on. He's prob already got someone else, he needs attention and love. Just funny how he can throw mine away so easy.

When he chased me, he told me all the things I wanted to hear, he did all the running and got what he wanted. Then bye bye me
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« Reply #40 on: February 08, 2013, 08:24:58 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.
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« Reply #41 on: February 10, 2013, 06:59:12 AM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 
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« Reply #42 on: February 11, 2013, 06:14:13 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?
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« Reply #43 on: February 12, 2013, 04:50:53 AM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.
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« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2013, 04:58:28 AM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.

An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.

It's important to understand the distinction between these two very different manifestations of narcissism.
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« Reply #45 on: February 12, 2013, 05:28:25 AM »

((Discarded)) Same old BPD Bull___... .  ignore it, delete or block him... .  he is trying to "~" (suck you back) into relationship with him... .  if you really want to end the BPD craziness... .  IGNORE them and do NOT engage... .  you deserve better than this and he is NOT promising anything new... .  same old promises that, if you are like me, have been broken     too many times to even consider promises. As with my EX Narcissistic H, I realized that "it was NOT about me" and his promises though he pretended to go to counseling, really meant NOTHING... .  there was NO change... .  there was NO hope... .  only more abuse. 

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.



I remember one book I read, can't recall the title right now... .  called this kind of Narcissist the "good guy"     ... .  this was my EXh, my son's father. He would not allow anyone to SEE what he was doing, gaslighting around and all the time wanting to "look so good"... .  they are delusional. It just goes back to the TRUTH that "we need to have a good relationship with ourselves before we can have one with others"... .   They don't have it with themselves, are trying to "put on a face" for others and aren't "real" in my book.

Excerpt
An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.



The NPD characteristics of my pwBPD have grown much BIGGER and LOUDER over time. Malignant for sure.

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« Reply #46 on: February 12, 2013, 05:35:48 AM »

((Discarded)) Same old BPD Bull___... .  ignore it, delete or block him... .  he is trying to "recycle" (suck you back) into relationship with him... .  if you really want to end the BPD craziness... .  IGNORE them and do NOT engage... .  you deserve better than this and he is NOT promising anything new... .  same old promises that, if you are like me, have been broken  :'( :'( :'( too many times to even consider promises. As with my EX Narcissistic H, I realized that "it was NOT about me" and his promises though he pretended to go to counseling, really meant NOTHING... .  there was NO change... .  there was NO hope... .  only more abuse.   

I did ignore it, wasn't ever expecting to hear off him again. Be 4 weeks tomorrow. But he hasn't sent anymore txts's so I don't get the point of it? And more shocking that he had my number in his phone still. I sure haven't got his.

If he was serious I would of got a txt the next day, but nope, just Sat night drunk txts. Just to play with my head isn't it? To remind me he's there?


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« Reply #47 on: February 12, 2013, 06:55:06 AM »

As much as they are afraid of intimacy; they are afraid of ABANDONMENT; even if they push us away. It is crazy. He isn't "there" FOR YOU... .  and I will have to remind myself that the same man that I know right now is NOT going to change when I leave and NO text is going to convince me otherwise.

You are doing great ((discarded)), maybe we should call you "freeatlast"?   
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« Reply #48 on: February 12, 2013, 07:26:38 AM »

As much as they are afraid of intimacy; they are afraid of ABANDONMENT; even if they push us away! It is crazy. He isn't "there" FOR YOU... .  and I will have to remind myself that the same man that I know right now is NOT going to change when I leave and NO text is going to convince me otherwise.

You are doing great ((discarded)), maybe we should call you "freeatlast"?   

I know that deep down  Just mind games and making me think he cares. He doesn't care at all.

Hurts to know that. Just hope I don't hear anything else, cos just messes with my head

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away?  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #49 on: February 12, 2013, 01:37:48 PM »

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away? 

((Discarded)) so sorry that you are still hurting  ... .  keep working on YOU and taking good care of yourself... .  he treated you the way he did because of HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF... .  it is sad but ONLY HE can help it in any real way.

I am working on a resume, getting job ideas, thinking I may like to get into a restaurant as a cook and then GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL. My dream come true... .  As far as moving out, I think that I can do this for "some time" before we would really HAVE TO leave... .  I could save money and buy a car, my son will be starting a new school and it is closer to home and he will be able to take the bus and I will have more freedom to work outside the home, etc... .  

I would LOVE to move out by the summer but thinking now, that I really DON'T HAVE TO GO until I am ready... .  he owes that to me and he enjoys my attention; cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of pets too much to "push me out" again now that he knows that I WANT TO GO... .  he is walking gently... .  I have made it clear to him that I won't "fight" with him because there is NOTHING to fight for... .  there is NO relationship between us. I don't bring up topics of HIS health or ADDICTION. He will be dealing with those ALONE... .  
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« Reply #50 on: February 12, 2013, 02:13:12 PM »

I bet you can't wait to leave. When do you think your get away?  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

((Discarded)) so sorry that you are still hurting  ... .  keep working on YOU and taking good care of yourself... .  he treated you the way he did because of HOW HE FEELS ABOUT HIMSELF... .  it is sad but ONLY HE can help it in any real way.

I am working on a resume, getting job ideas, thinking I may like to get into a restaurant as a cook and then GO TO CULINARY SCHOOL! My dream come true... .  As far as moving out, I think that I can do this for "some time" before we would really HAVE TO leave... .  I could save money and buy a car, my son will be starting a new school and it is closer to home and he will be able to take the bus and I will have more freedom to work outside the home, etc... .  

I would LOVE to move out by the summer but thinking now, that I really DON'T HAVE TO GO until I am ready... .  he owes that to me and he enjoys my attention; cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of pets too much to "push me out" again now that he knows that I WANT TO GO... .  he is walking gently... .  I have made it clear to him that I won't "fight" with him because there is NOTHING to fight for... .  there is NO relationship between us. I don't bring up topics of HIS health or ADDICTION. He will be dealing with those ALONE... .  

Am hurting quite a bit, I just don't get the point of the txts? 

It was like putting a biscuit out for a dog, say all the things I wanted to hear a month ago, then go silent on me again.

It cruel and just don't see the point? Then cos I didn't reply got accused of being with a friend of mine 

Wow that sound's amazing, a full on leaving plan that. You must be very strong, wish I was as strong as you. My head's just all over the place

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« Reply #51 on: February 12, 2013, 07:48:50 PM »

Am hurting quite a bit, I just don't get the point of the txts?  

What I have learned about BPD and any mental illness actually is that a person who is mentally ill BEHAVES, FEELS and even VIEWS THEMSELVES, LIFE and US in ways that we might never understand. I think that conflict within themselves will never allow HIM to understand WHY he texted you... .  


Excerpt
It was like putting a biscuit out for a dog, say all the things I wanted to hear a month ago, then go silent on me again.It cruel and just don't see the point? Then cos I didn't reply got accused of being with a friend of mine  

All to deflect from himself, his feelings and his behavior toward you and BLAME YOU for his problems... .  very mentally UNHEALTHY.

Excerpt
Wow that sound's amazing, a full on leaving plan that. You must be very strong, wish I was as strong as you. My head's just all over the place

I have studied mental illness for a while... .  been with an OCPD/NPD or at least a man who was very manipulative, controlling, lying, backstabbing and verbally and emotionally discounting and abusive and IN DENIAL... .  I HAD to grow through my pain and GET through it. Trying to "understand them" does not help us heal, we need to understand ourselves.

Have you gotten any help in dealing with this? Talked to a trusted professional who could understand and help give you some healthy perspective on this and his illness? I highly recommend it. If I am mentally and emotionally HEALTHY... .  and I AM... .  it is because I realized that "I needed help" when I was confused and hurting the most.  You can do it, JUST FOCUS MORE ON YOU... .  you are worth it. <3 (check out my blog at newsong4him.blogspot.com... .  a LOT of my personal experience, understanding "finding myself, healing from abuse and learning to dream again"... .  hope you will realize that YOU can be a SURVIVOR  of (BPD) abuse as well as me and many, many others... .  Hugs. <3


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« Reply #52 on: February 13, 2013, 05:16:38 AM »

Think if it wasn't such a long history and brain washed me into thinking we both felt the same would be so much easier.

I'm 50% there, haven't cried in ages, don't feel depressed as I did, just them texts played with me mind a bit, but deep down I know they meant nothing. Was all about him him him. Not me and my feelings.

I just need to start getting myself back together again  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2013, 08:40:45 AM »

Hmm the dreading V day today!

Feel a bit down, but suppose that's normal in a way I guess.

Just wish I didn't let the breadcrumbs from last week get to me, heard nothing since, which say's it all 

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« Reply #54 on: February 14, 2013, 09:05:59 AM »

  Happy Valentine's Day 

Just think of today as a DAY CLOSER to you being healed and whole and happy after a relationship with a pwBPD. CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE... .  the love that YOU have for YOU... .  that is what I am doing. I have a son and we have already exchanged Vday gifts; I got him a 2 dvd set and he "bought" me a set of pretty pink austrian crystal earrings (inexpensive)... .   I got a homemade card from a friend and bought myself a small group of planted tulips... .  

Go do something nice for you... .  even if it is small and CELEBRATE that you are free to be you... .  it will get better... .  who knows, maybe one day you can really celebrate this with someone who really loves you and deserves your love   I hope to do that too... .  
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« Reply #55 on: February 14, 2013, 09:43:25 AM »

 Happy Valentine's Day 

Just think of today as a DAY CLOSER to you being healed and whole and happy after a relationship with a pwBPD. CELEBRATE YOUR LOVE... .  the love that YOU have for YOU... .  that is what I am doing. I have a son and we have already exchanged Vday gifts; I got him a 2 dvd set and he "bought" me a set of pretty pink austrian crystal earrings (inexpensive)... .   I got a homemade card from a friend and bought myself a small group of planted tulips... .  

Go do something nice for you... .  even if it is small and CELEBRATE that you are free to be you... .  it will get better... .  who knows, maybe one day you can really celebrate this with someone who really loves you and deserves your love   I hope to do that too... .  

Awww thank you, you to   

That sounds really sweet with you and your son, kinda did the same thing, but with my sis, she bought me a nice top (both shopaholics Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))

I know I should be glad, got a lucky escape etc, just sometimes it's hard. Guess it was the abandonment and the last kick in the teeth with them unexpected drunk texts, set me back, only a lil. Reminds me of the loneliness etc

I'm getting there slowly though, just need to keep reminding myself, hes not worth it the way he treated me.

Hopefully I'll meet the right man, though I'd have to be lucky for that ha ha  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) and hopefully your soon be free to 
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« Reply #56 on: February 14, 2013, 01:39:34 PM »

The narcissistic person is the white knight who wants to help.

Do you mean codependent? Narcissists are the opposites of white knights.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, I'm sure there was some codependency there, but why are narcissists the opposite of white knights? I don't follow you. I was under the impression that anyone a BPD affected person set their sites on could be a white knight.

And isn't a narcissist a "good" person to be a white knight, since narcissists, from what I've read, want to help people and be liked.

You're thinking of an vulnerable narcissist (or someone with such traits).  These people do like to help and be liked because they derive their self-worth from being capable and useful.  They are frequently codependent.

An NPD is typically a "malignant narcissist."  These people are not white knights.

It's important to understand the distinction between these two very different manifestations of narcissism.

Yes, thank you. One of the moderators sent me links that explain the difference. I see that I am not a Gordon Gecko type narcissist at all, not that I ever thought I was. But my ex and I were clearly codependent.
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« Reply #57 on: February 14, 2013, 01:41:40 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.

Yes, breadcrumbs. Now I understand that term better. Mine has been going away and then sort of coming back again for the past two weeks. If I take the bait, and tell her I might be interested, she pulls the rug out from under me again. She even goes as far as to say her overtures were not overtures, or she never made them. SMH... .  yet again
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« Reply #58 on: February 14, 2013, 03:38:36 PM »

Got drunk txts last night. Wasn't expecting that one 

Mine has a drinking problem too. Really should not drink, gets out of control and can't stop at two or three drinks.

Were they nasty texts?

Um 1st txt was love rubbish, 2nd and 3rd txt, wanting me to move in with him and will make everything fine? Like What the heck? And 4th and last txt was accusing me of being with someone else. Nice eh?

Haven't heard anything since, so just have to write them off as the drunk txts they was. Doesn't help though, more a of slap in the face I'm only worthy of drunk txts.

Just is a mindf***, probably what he wants, just breadcrumbs isn't it.

Yes, breadcrumbs. Now I understand that term better. Mine has been going away and then sort of coming back again for the past two weeks. If I take the bait, and tell her I might be interested, she pulls the rug out from under me again. She even goes as far as to say her overtures were not overtures, or she never made them. SMH... .  yet again

Ah the good old breadcrumbs, learnt that myself the last month. Used to read more into it, but the reality is it means NOTHING.

Probably why it hurts more when they do offer the breadcrumbs.

I'm just glad I didn't waste my time replying as he never texted again after them drunk texts. He sure knows how to rub salt into the wound.

Are you not going to go NC? It helps more than you think  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #59 on: February 14, 2013, 06:33:43 PM »

sounds like my story. Chased me for years, finally we got to be together. A home, our family and going to spend the rest of our lifes together. All went south within a few weeks of me moving in. Lost everything, moved out and he still won't leave me alone.
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« Reply #60 on: February 15, 2013, 05:56:11 AM »

sounds like my story. Chased me for years, finally we got to be together. A home, our family and going to spend the rest of our lifes together. All went south within a few weeks of me moving in. Lost everything, moved out and he still won't leave me alone.

Wow that's awful. Lucky I have been left alone, except for them texts last weekend.

It funny how they can just change like the wind on you.

Have you been NC?
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« Reply #61 on: February 15, 2013, 06:28:41 AM »

Hello Discarded... .  I moved from Germany to the US... .  my NPD/BPD-girlfriend told me for one year that she always has been in love with me... .  since 1986... .  and that she is SOO  HAPPY that we finally will have a life together.

After a few days together she began ignoring me... .  now she was SOO BUSY working... .  
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« Reply #62 on: February 15, 2013, 07:43:34 AM »

Hello Discarded... .  I moved from Germany to the US... .  my NPD/BPD-girlfriend told me for one year that she always has been in love with me... .  since 1986... .  and that she is SOO  HAPPY that we finally will have a life together.

After a few days together she began ignoring me... .  now she was SOO BUSY working... .  

Sound's like me again, mine said the job 'was his other half now'

It more common than I thought, what happens.

Just shame it hurts so damn much, while they don't have a care in the world about us and what they did and how they left us. Just all about THEM and their ISSUES
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« Reply #63 on: February 15, 2013, 09:43:15 AM »

((diane, almost married and Discarded)) my uBPDso also said that "we were partners" and that he does NOT want to control me but watch me "blossom" when we first reunited.   It only took a few weeks (and one H of a MESS of a HOUSE that he owns and lived in for 7 years alone) for him to dysregulate constantly and blame me for "trying to change him"... .  

So sad. We trusted them. We didn't know they were BPD. We loved them, we may still love them but we ALL deserve better than to have to live with a BPD relationship when we were promised SO MUCH MORE and we thought we had it and it was ripped out of our hands.  Idea
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« Reply #64 on: February 15, 2013, 11:03:12 AM »

((diane, almost married and Discarded)) my uBPDso also said that "we were partners" and that he does NOT want to control me but watch me "blossom" when we first reunited.   It only took a few weeks (and one H of a MESS of a HOUSE that he owns and lived in for 7 years alone) for him to dysregulate constantly and blame me for "trying to change him"... .  

So sad. We trusted them. We didn't know they were BPD. We loved them, we may still love them but we ALL deserve better than to have to live with a BPD relationship when we were promised SO MUCH MORE and we thought we had it and it was ripped out of our hands.  Idea

That sums it up that last bit, feels like had the love ripped away. But was nothing to rip away, as he didn't care about me really. To walk away like that, and I have to keep reminding myself that. HE DOES NOT CARE!
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« Reply #65 on: February 15, 2013, 11:24:57 AM »

EVEN more than "He does NOT care"... .  is "HE CANNOT CARE"... .  even if they show WANT to caring, it is meaningless unless they are ABLE... .  and they are not.

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« Reply #66 on: February 15, 2013, 01:13:40 PM »

Discarded - I totally feel for you.  I have absolutely been there, and have been getting better slowly over time.  The initial abandonment is such a shock.  I experienced it as an emotional and physical trauma.  That's why your logical brain can say one thing - I'm glad I got out! - and your emotional/physical body says another - I want him and our love to come back.  It's confusing.  Ultimately, it is often the abandoned and unloved child in us that wins over "logic".

Some people call BPD Impulsive PD.  From my experience, that seems to fit it pretty well.  We get sucked in by all the emotional energy that they offer with their impulsiveness.  It seems so sincere... .  because it really could be in that moment!  So  we don't see the normal "signs" of lying... .  we FEEL their love and sincerity.

The only problem is, they can only stay there for a moment.  Not for days, weeks, months or years.  Like a real partner would.  All too soon, another impulse takes over - I must get away!  I feel uncomfortable!  She must be the reason I'm not feeling good!  She's not right for me! - whatever.  Then they're gone again.

But as time passes, feelings of loneliness and abandonment kick in, and it's back to, I miss her!  I LOVE her!  I want to be with her!

When you ask the question, Why is he doing this?  You are ASSUMING that he has thought out his behavior.  In reality, he probably has not.  It is an IMPULSE.  Not a logical decision that has much meat or stability behind it.  Neither the leaving or the coming.

They should also call BPD Instability Disorder.  It truly is!  I think that's what people mean by "dysregulation".  They have difficulty regulating their emotions, and thus their behaviors.

It doesn't matter what you do.  They are in their own world with this.

You could be his soulmate, but he could never stay there with you.

Seems like people with BPD can hold out for a while... .  look really normal and honest, stable and loving...  Then they hit a trigger - moving in with someone, getting engaged, reaching the 6 month mark... .  whatever it is.  Then off to dysregulation, regardless of what they verbally promised you.

They can't help it.

Their world is torture and they are doing everything they can to manage it.

Just like how you feel now - tormented, can't control your feelings.  You want to feel good, make good decisions for yourself, but it's a struggle.  

From my understanding, BPD experiences this like 10x more than we do!  So, we can choose to make the right decision, even though it's tough.  They have 10x more difficulty doing that.  It might be easier for them to withdraw.

How long did you date the first time, and what happened with the break-up?  Perhaps since you were younger then, you weren't as serious.  So, you didn't quite see that he could abandon you in this way.  Now this time through, there was more commitment and that ended up being a trigger.

Once this starts, it doesn't usually get better.  The "honeymoon" period gets shorter and shorter.  Once you see that someone can abandon you out of the blue, they can do it again and again.  Regardless of WHAT THEY TELL YOU.  Because, you can already see that he has an inability to keep his word.  Even the most well-meaning words.

So sorry.
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« Reply #67 on: February 15, 2013, 01:50:15 PM »

I was reading some of the threads from people with BPD on another board, one that really stuck out with me is that they have a tendency to jump ship right when things are getting good and/or becoming healthy and stable.  This is exactly what happened to me... .  6 weeks away from being reunited with my family, being all under the same roof, things going great.  Then BOOM, she wants to be with some stranger that she has never met before.

It was kind of like- you are choosing to pull this NOW of all times?  It is still almost like it's not real.
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« Reply #68 on: February 15, 2013, 02:08:11 PM »

There is really nothing you can do about them,nothing... .  unless you want to quit your own life and livin a "stand-by-modus"... .  that´s how I felt.

Every time I connected with my ex-wife,EVERYTIME... .  after EXACTLY 1 week her demons set in... .  and it was once again the beginning from the end.

And boy,I´m gonna tell you... .  I was patient.I suffered.I cried.I hoped.I prayed.I worked on my own issues with a T.

Forget it.

YOU HAVE TO LET THEM GO.

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« Reply #69 on: February 15, 2013, 02:08:55 PM »

Discarded is one word. Another is 'disposable'. Whatever the descriptor, the behavior of rejecting/ejecting a partner without any obvious and proportionate reasoning is truly maddening on our end. I've been through this four times over seven years. Not one of those times made any sense to me at all. I started into this relationship with my own life in pretty good shape, but now, facing turning 50 this year, am placed in the position of starting everything from scratch. This, after a forth time of her ending things with all the empathy and compassion of taking out the garbage.

So yes - I know the feeling... .  
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« Reply #70 on: February 15, 2013, 02:46:44 PM »

Discarded is one word. Another is 'disposable'. Whatever the descriptor, the behavior of rejecting/ejecting a partner without any obvious and proportionate reasoning is truly maddening on our end. I've been through this four times over seven years. Not one of those times made any sense to me at all. I started into this relationship with my own life in pretty good shape, but now, facing turning 50 this year, am placed in the position of starting everything from scratch. This, after a forth time of her ending things with all the empathy and compassion of taking out the garbage.

So yes - I know the feeling... .  

Right there with you. Turned fifty in August. Thought I was going to be with my dream girl finally, instead I am intermittently employed, lost my family to divorce, and am without any girl, have to start everything from scratch. Its been 25 yrs since I was trying to meet women... .  my exBPDgf helped turn my world upside down. Man I hate that disorder.
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« Reply #71 on: February 15, 2013, 02:56:39 PM »

Well... .  I left Germany and moved to the US to be together with my now BPD (w/NPD traits)-exwife.I quit my job,I sold everything,I left everything behind.It was the third attempt to make the relationship work... .  1986,2000 and 2012.I was "the one and only she ever loved and will ever love." She wrote me thousands of e-mails about how much she loves me and about this wonderful relationship we will have together... .  

After ONE WEEK (!) being together in the US she started ignoring me and pushing me away.

Now I´m back to Germany again... .  I know how you guys feel,believe me... .  
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« Reply #72 on: February 15, 2013, 03:21:57 PM »

Right there with you. Turned fifty in August.

ME TOO. the 12th... .  what is your birthday?

For me, having THIS milestone PLUS the disappointment and betrayal of pwBPD promises to marry, etc... .  really hit me hard (mom and dad died 15 month apart during this also)... .  

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« Reply #73 on: February 15, 2013, 05:24:16 PM »

Amazing so many of us have had the same general crappy experiences with pwBPD. I still am following the Jodi Arias trial... .  and so far, she seems like a pwBPD, and I feel like ... .  there but for not having pissed off my pwBPD quite as much... .  go I. (She admitted to shooting her BF in the head, knifing him 29 times and slitting his throat... .  after coming by for a booty call)... the trial is her dressing like a virginal librarian while telling stories of her sex escapades and how her killing him is all his fault.

Guess that is what it takes to feel good about how my own r/s with a pwBPD ended... the thought, well it could have been even worse.

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« Reply #74 on: February 15, 2013, 05:59:42 PM »

Discarded, I can remember the feeling as my ex and her family just brushed me out of their lives. In her hearts of hearts, maybe, just maybe she knew she was doing me a favor. It was probably as good a breakup as you can get from a pwBPD. It was just totally shocking to me how for months we were planning a wedding and a family, and she was driving a lot of it and paying for some things out of her own pocket. Then within 2 days after our wedding shower she was hanging out with a co-worker. Just a sign of just how fearful she is of true intimacy. The few of her co-workers who had talked to me are still puzzled by the whole thing. The fact of the illness is the only logic to the borderline r/s. We are the lucky ones... .  I realize that, and I still grieve a bit for her hurt, but it's up to her to heal, or to keep up her destructive relationship dynamics.
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« Reply #75 on: February 15, 2013, 08:00:41 PM »

Charred - Yes, we could be luckier than we realized.  Here is another example expressed in the documentary Dear Zachary.  According to the friend who told me about the movie, the girlfriend was likely BPD.

www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dear_Zachary:_A_Letter_to_a_Son_About_His_Father
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« Reply #76 on: February 16, 2013, 06:59:41 AM »

WOW seems like it's the same patterns. CRAZY!

How it explain they can move in with other ex's and be with them for years but the apparent 'the one' 'love of there life' they cut and run to the hills? 
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« Reply #77 on: February 16, 2013, 09:20:32 AM »

... .  the apparent 'the one' 'love of there life' they cut and run to the hills?   

yep, I think so. Their loss, our freedom.
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« Reply #78 on: February 16, 2013, 10:47:07 AM »

I just don't get that, why run from us? Just another thing that don't make sense
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« Reply #79 on: February 16, 2013, 11:53:27 AM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.
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« Reply #80 on: February 16, 2013, 12:22:47 PM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.

Then how can they settle with others for years?
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« Reply #81 on: February 16, 2013, 01:02:55 PM »

It's the nature of the disorder. They crave intimacy and fear it.

Then how can they settle with others for years?

It was truly big eye opener for me to find that some nons can handle a pwBPD's behaviors better than others. There are specific communication skills that can and do help, and these skills are helpful for ANY relationship, not just a relationship with a pwBPD. You can see how these skills are being used everyday on our Staying board here. There ARE success stories. 

My ex did much better, for a time, with one of my replacements. This person was much more educated in these communication skills than I was. Unfortunately for her that relationship didn't last either BUT she was healthier than I had ever seen her during that time. It was a very hard pill to swallow that I had contributed to the demise of our relationship because of my lack of skills in this area. It was a definite (like cold water thrown in my face) wake up call for me
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« Reply #82 on: February 16, 2013, 01:20:53 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached page maximum.  Please feel free to pick up the discussion collegially in another thread.

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