Did anyone feel invincible/ undumpable?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I remember when i was with my pwBPDex, feeling that she would never get over me and always want me over anyone else. I guess the idolozing got to my head, and seeing how jelouse and clingy she got with me, how intense everything was, i guess i believed she truely 'loved' me and was head over heels with me, i felt that even if we did break up, and she got with someone else, i could easily win her back because of how in love with me she was.

So when we did break up and she got with the current guy the next day, I got jelouse and tried to win her back, and she turned me down, and it shocked me and made the break up harder then i realised. Of course at the time i had no idea she was BPD, and now i do i can see why she acted like she did (split me black, I had 'abandoned' her by splitting up with her, and she started idolizing this new guy'

At the time it was a huge shock to the system after a few years of me being her 'life' to suddenly nothing.

Has anyone else felt like that?

[trevjim]

I remember when i was with my pwBPDex, feeling that she would never get over me and always want me over anyone else. I guess the idolozing got to my head, and seeing how jelouse and clingy she got with me, how intense everything was, i guess i believed she truely 'loved' me and was head over heels with me, i felt that even if we did break up, and she got with someone else, i could easily win her back because of how in love with me she was.

So when we did break up and she got with the current guy the next day, I got jelouse and tried to win her back, and she turned me down, and it shocked me and made the break up harder then i realised. Of course at the time i had no idea she was BPD, and now i do i can see why she acted like she did (split me black, I had 'abandoned' her by splitting up with her, and she started idolizing this new guy'

At the time it was a huge shock to the system after a few years of me being her 'life' to suddenly nothing.

Has anyone else felt like that?

[nicelady]

Yes! I felt the exact same way.

[trevjim]

I think it also made me 'lazy' with the relationship towards the end, I almost took her for granted, which is maybe what caused a few triggers for her

[Vinnie]

What I did feel (and still do is) she's never going to find someone better than me!  She doesn't know what she had, someone that cherished her and was patient despite the daily chaos, depression, angry rants, etc.

Look who I was sandwiched between.    Her ex husband was alcoholic, physically abusive, wouldn't work... .  and her new guy currently lives in a residential treatment facility for alcoholism and isn't even allowed to drive! 

While I am a college educated, personable, healthy, fit, stable, kind man with no vices or addictions (except maybe approval addiction/codependency).  Yes I'm wondering... .  WHAT IS SHE THINKING!  Many she can't handle stable, and I am boring to her?

Funny too my first wife told my kids that the biggest mistake she ever made was leaving me... .  

[trevjim]

her new boyfriend is somewhat similar to how I was when I first started dating her. even though they dated 5 or 6 Years ago for 6 months (she also cheated on him) he is quite shy, low self esteem, will spoil her, has a decent amount of money from living with parents, no baggage. that's exactly how I was .

[morningagain]

I did feel invincible/undumpable.  For the first three months of the 8 year r/s & marriage.  After that I was completely vulnerable - the F in F.O.G.  This fear I had gave her great power over me.  This fear I had of her leaving was my excuse for me trampling and demolishing my own values, for welcoming her with open arms and encouraging her to smash my boundaries, for me insisting that I be her doormat.  I chose, I did, my fault, my role in this death-dance.

Good place for me to start maturing - fixing/changing/healing me.

[waitaminute]

Vinnie, yes you are too boring and too good just like me. I even had some drama of a divorce to my ex wife. But many of them like the bottom rung of our culture and society because there they stand a chance of being equal among the failures. Sometimes I think these replacements are as much of a draw to them as the BPD was to us. At least in my case, she was drawn to someone who she could try to rescue and who she could stand shoulder to shoulder with in a perceived "us victims against the world" drama. Irony is that these replacements are probably as irreparable without therapy and inner desire to change as our BPD partners are.  Maybe these guys are a form of therapy for the BPD. on second thought... .  naaa

Just my opinion... .  Not an expert in this... .  Thank God.

[Discarded26]

I did, thought we were meant to be. Apparently he felt same. And here I am, discarded . Got to laugh or id cry

[GustheDog]

The level of manipulation (conscious or not) in my exBPDgf's deliberate actions and explicit statements to make me feel secure in the r/s are truly maddening.

I'm sure almost everyone felt relatively secure because of the intensity of the idealization - the constant fawning over you, the nonstop "I love you's," etc.  I got all that as well, of course, but I got some other stuff, too:

~9 months into the r/s, she starts using the phrases "I'm committed to this," "I'm invested in us,'" and she would refer to the furniture (hers) in our apartment as "our things."  We went back and forth between living together and being LD a few times due to school/jobs (not because of r/s problems), and sometimes I'd ask her if it was "okay" if I used/moved some of the furniture (e.g., I put a chair and a table in my office at work, took the rest with me to a new apartment when I moved, etc.).

Each time she'd say, "Of course, honey, those are our things.  You know that."  These sorts of statements/assurances were made regularly for the following 2 years almost.  The day before she dumped me we had an argument.  I was upset, but she said, "I'm not going anywhere.  We're just going through a rough patch."  In the same conversation, I also heard: "I just don't think I could love anyone this much."

All the way up until the end - and I mean *all* the way - there was chipper talk of where we'd live, the wedding we've have, the dog we'd get (which, by the way, would be a golden-retriever puppy that we'd name "Gus", the trips we'd take, etc.

I didn't have a clue this would happen.  Not a clue.  It is a fantasy.

From 2010:

"Fantasy is their driving force, - it means a swing on the pendulum towards good (reward) to feel good. Borderlines seek reward to feel better about themselves but fear it's withdrawal, so they do what they can to prevent "good’s" withdrawal from happening. They do this by mirroring you- as you respond to this mirroring with good (reward.) Good feelings come to the Borderline in the mirroring of their attachment icon (that's you,) and those temporary feelings then become inflated by the enthusiastic projection of the partner's (that's you) wishes, hopes and dreams. This enthusiasm of yours lands back onto the Borderline- who runs with the reward and feels better about themselves. (Those wishes, hopes and dreams are your expectations for the two of you in the future- not really the Borderlines- there is only NOW.)"

. . .

"Borderline compulsion is a frantic desire to attain the fantasy of safety. It is longing for that safety by recreating a "fix" to end anxiety. The safety they seek is within the fantasy of the "fix" (the fantasy of the object.)

"When the object is a person- the fantasy becomes unrewarding to the Borderline and a reminder of earlier conflicts. Trying to live on the edge there in fantasy land by controlling another human (us) doesn't work- because two people cannot live in fantasy all the time and someone always tries to negotiate reality, and that someone is each one of us here. A Borderline anticipates this and fears your withdrawal from the fantasy. (Only one thing left to do for the Borderline and that is to find a new fantasy partner.)

"Showing a Borderline how valuable you are in reality wont make them realize your value. Your value actually was in the fantasy chase to get your attention. It was the longing for your admiration that the Borderline craved.

"Are they ever invested in the relationship? Yes. But eventually they destabilize the bond they have with others by acting-out behaviors. Their entire focus is on the return to the fantasy World where a better reward awaits- one they can invest energy into by mirroring and reflecting and culling their fantasy persona. But be aware, that anytime you dress up a Borderline Man in a suit/tie or tell a Borderline woman what to wear- you are now going to pay dearly in unexpected ways- because you've just turned fantasy into what they want to escape from-the reality of their controlling hyper-critical parent.

"New people are rewarding. That new person doesn't tell them what to do- but rather, just sits in awe- like we all once did. A better reward can easily be found on the Internet. . . ."

[cal644]

It's funny ... .  My wife turned me black over a fantasy she was texting... .  she left for a guy she met for two hours at a wedding but then Texted 3 hrs a day... .  she left a real life to live in her fantasy world. He lives hours away so they never met in person beside that one time... .  but by his texts she knows he can make her happy

[OTH]

My ex didn't really do much to help our r/s. I did all the heavy lifting so I didn't think she would leave. I did look down on her a bit but only because she had been such an emotional basket case during our r/s. I didn't really feel invincible though. She was too unstable for that. I actually thought my leaving for a 4 day trip might end things even though we were getting along great. It still came as a surprise to return and find I was completely hated when I was idealized leaving. I had left for overnight a couple times before and she was seriously pissed the next day. I thought... .  hmmm... .  if I leave for 4 days what will happen? I almost canceled but figured if she can't take 4 days what kind of r/s do we have? I found out. 

[SarahinMA]

My ex used to point out houses and tell me that we would move into that house after we were married and he needed to start saving more for our children.  Towards the end when I mentioned something about moving into together, he claimed "I don't know where you would ever get that idea."  Soon after he broke up with me.  This kind of gaslighting happened frequently, but the whole time I was sure he would never leave me.  I took him for granted as well- for sure.  I became lazy and things became stale, because it was always up to me to come up with plans.  He let me do all the controlling. 

It's funny, because after he dumped me, SO many of our mutual friends said he would regret it.  Even now, a year later, people say that he probably regrets it and is too scared to face me (that I was the best thing that happened to him).  Honestly, though, I don't think he feels that way at all... .  I think he avoids me because he considers me the worst thing that ever happened to him. 

[daintrovert13]

I felt the same... .  I guess it was the morbid jealousy, idealization and clingyness combined.

These are just lessons learned mt friends.

[oldsport]

Yes, 100% completely undumpable.

Everything was so intense with her... the intense jealousy of other girls to the point of attacking a friend, expressing her undying love 24/7, planning our future, moving in. I didn't for once think even when things did go bad sometimes she would actually leave. But then again i didn't know about BPD back then and the state of mind you are dealing with as a sane person. It was as simple for her as saying "I don't love you anymore" and moving onto the next guy who she had already lined up. Who she can idolize and once again cling to the hope HE is the one who will fulfil her endless void this time round... .  

And so the cycle will continue for her.

[jaird]

Hi, I'm new to this forum and board. Just joined today.

But yes, I felt 100% undumpable. I mean I put up with her vicious temper and mood swings, and we were always great in person. Not to mention the usual things consisting of the best sex either of us ever had, and me being the "perfect" man in so many ways-sexually, sense of humor, good looking. I guess I believed her, and though she was self diagnosed with BPD, and took the assessment test, I never realized how insidious it really is. I never realized how complex, deep rooted, and disturbing it can be.

So yes, I was a god, LOL, as I'm sure many of us were. And how can you dump a god, unless you are able to split them, paint them black, project all kind of feelings onto them, and then throw the switch?

As someone else said, I did take her for granted after a while. And as they also said, this triggered some erratic behavior in her. But to tell you how quickly she was able to split me and dump me-I was with her in early December (long distance relationship). Everything was fine, we went out, we ate, we slept together. I was making plans to leave my wife, and was going to be back in less than two months to find an apartment near her. A few days later the nasty texts and phone calls started. By Christmas I cold tell it was serious. By mid January I was getting emails saying that she felt I was never leaving my wife, and that I was a bad man for half a dozen reasons.

Trying to point out that most of those reasons were non existent, and that I expected her to stand by men through my separation and move, as I had done for her, had no effect. She refused to be even be there for me as a friend  :'(  This was a person who I helped through crisis after crisis for 2 over two years, her separation, her divorce, her mystery illness of the month, problems with her adult daughter, whatever it was, and there were many things as she made mountains out of molehills. Nothing I had done for her mattered to her. I got numerous emails telling me we were just done, she was quitting the relationship, and then she changed her cell number.

Fron everything fine the first week of December, to signs of trouble a few days after leaving her, to signs of serious trouble three weeks after leaving her, to total and complete dumping and non contact a month after last seeing her. How do you do that to a person?

[nowwhatz]

Well it depends on the meaning of undumpable.

I feel undumpable now... .  in fact I know I am undumpable because my udBPDexgf will always undump me... .  having never being dumped... .  just put aside for a while.

I want to be strong enough so that the next time she tries to come back I can reject her. Getting closer to being strong enough!

[wishingwell17]

I'm dumpable. He makes sure I know it too, at least on the days when I am not undumpable and the love of his life. 

I wonder if anyone encounters the rapid black/white as I have over the last 4 months? love you/dump you/love you/dump you

The good news is being dumpable by someone raging at me no longer feels like such a bad thing to me anymore.

I think some of the detaching and therapy is beginning to work for me.

(spent last night reading all the Leaving Lessons and feel so grateful for bpdfamily.com and all the information here).

[wishingwell17]

oops. I meant

I'm dumpable. He makes sure I know it too, at least on the days when I'm undumpable and the love of his life.  huh

[wishingwell17]

so sorry, lacking sleep. I'll try again :

I'm dumpable. He makes sure I know it too. On every other day I am undumpable.

eg: love you, hate you, dont leave me, get out.

[bb12]

Yep - it's actually something I am working on with my T

I choose 'fixer uppers' to appease my Codependent rescuing, fixing tendencies. A subconscious part of that selection process is the thought that his person can't leave me. They adore me and I hold the balance of power.

But when you happen upon a pwPD, those rules fly out the window. They love the idealisation part too and for them it feels like soul mate stuff also, but that's the only phase they love. The first sign of humanity by us... .  the first crack in the veneer... .  and they are gone. Adding engulfment and the need to pro-actively end something before the other person does (control abandonment on their terms) and these people can mentally disengage in a split second.

And all the while, we're thinking they'll never leave me. They adore me.

BUT we have to be on the same emotional maturity level as these borderlines for the r/s to even get a foothold. We need to own immaturity in only choosing someone who will adore us... .  that we can control. They need to own the lack of reciprocity / selfishness that leads to the cracks appearing. And also the cowardly endings.

Bb12

[ConfusedEx]

It never ceases to amaze me how similar everyone's experiences are. I thought i was invincible, until she kicked me off the pedestal on my birthday, just like the article says:

"You change and alter your behavior in hopes of returning to the “Clinger Stage”. And periodically you will, but only to cycle back to the hater when you least expect it, possibly on her birthday, or your anniversary."

She drove down 10 hours to surprise me on my birthday, only to give me the cold shoulder the whole time, tell me that she was feeling disconnected from the relationship, that I was in fact a rebound that she lied about, that she cheated on her previous boyfriend for months, and that she slept in the same bed as the guy that accompanied her on the drive down to see me (but nothing happened... .  right).

She cheated on me with the same guy as her previous boyfriend and then two weeks later she reengages me and we get back together (this is before I knew anything about BPD, I was so confused). Once again I thought I was invincible, back in the idealization phase, which didn't last long. I fly her down to see me and she won't shut up about her ex, all the while talking about how we will have cute kids together. She says she is depressed and not going to class and thinking of self harming. I urge her to drop her classes for the semester to take care of her mental health... .  she does and I fly her down the next week to be with me and her family and she immediately goes and hangs out with her ex-boyfriend who she immediately got together with. This is the ex-boyfriend I felt no threat from, she cheated on him and he abused her verbally and sometimes physically. He abuses drugs and alcohol, where as I am a college grad. Her family hates him and they are now in a LDR together, and she was flaunting him around town in  front of our mutual friends talking about how they will get married.

I would still be so devastated if I hadn't found this website... .  3 months out of the r/s and I am relieved to have dodged the bullet, but I still miss her.

[trevjim]

I would still be so devastated if I hadn't found this website... .  3 months out of the r/s and I am relieved to have dodged the bullet, but I still miss her.

exactly the same, 3 months out, feel ive dodged a bullet (lots of people have said that to me when ive spoken of my experiances with her), i miss her so much though. Also was REALLY struggling till i found the website and it explained some of her actions and that almost gave me the closuer i needed

[Newton]

trevjim... .  I do get the loss you are experiencing... .  I have walked this path on more than one occasion... .  

Have you had a chance to research "trauma bonds"?... .  it might really help to explain your conflicted feelings... .  

What are you missing?... .  did the good outweigh the bad?... .  are you being realistic about how good it was or may this be trauma from intermittent reinforcement from her?... .  

[struggli]

Yep - it's actually something I am working on with my T

I choose 'fixer uppers' to appease my Codependent rescuing, fixing tendencies. A subconscious part of that selection process is the thought that his person can't leave me. They adore me and I hold the balance of power.

But when you happen upon a pwPD, those rules fly out the window. They love the idealisation part too and for them it feels like soul mate stuff also, but that's the only phase they love. The first sign of humanity by us... .  the first crack in the veneer... .  and they are gone. Adding engulfment and the need to pro-actively end something before the other person does (control abandonment on their terms) and these people can mentally disengage in a split second.

And all the while, we're thinking they'll never leave me. They adore me.

BUT we have to be on the same emotional maturity level as these borderlines for the r/s to even get a foothold. We need to own immaturity in only choosing someone who will adore us... .  that we can control. They need to own the lack of reciprocity / selfishness that leads to the cracks appearing. And also the cowardly endings.

Bb12

This is useful stuff.  It makes sense.  I am intimidated by a woman who seems to have it all together.  After all, why would she need me?

[trevjim]

trevjim... .  I do get the loss you are experiencing... .  I have walked this path on more than one occasion... .  

Have you had a chance to research "trauma bonds"?... .  it might really help to explain your conflicted feelings... .  

What are you missing?... .  did the good outweigh the bad?... .  are you being realistic about how good it was or may this be trauma from intermittent reinforcement from her?... .  

I guess for me, having a girlfriend has always been a big thing for me, i only had one proper relationship before her, and although i wouldnt class myself as a loser, im no brad pitt, so any female attention i cherish.

So when this 10/10 girl became my girlfriend, I was hooked in completly, the idolizing did get to my head, i did feel like brad pitt. maybe i have self esteem issues. did the good times outweigh the bad? I try to look at this without the rose tinted glasses, and yes i think they did. i do however remember feeling unhappy (I left her twice so i must of felt quite bad) i even remember during one bust up yelling she had ruined my life.

I went from being a guy living at home with parents to living with her and her son and really feeling ive made something of my life, so when i moved back i guess i felt im starting all over again.

Also i got very attached to her child, he was calling me daddy towards the last few months, so im grieving over her and him.

In terms of trauma bonding, perhaps, ill have to research that. She however did have that with the physicaly abusive ex before me.

[Newton]

I'm guessing she was pretty physically attractive?... .  

So perhaps a 10/10 in the looks department... .  what about the rest that came with that?...

You mentioned self esteem issues... .  those certainly affected my perception... .  a drop dead beautiful gf! WOW!... .  I've made it!... .  (ignore the fact she was treating me like dirt on her shoe)... .   ... .  does that ring true for you?... .  You kinda found your "place... .  or purpose"... .  even though it wasn't too happy?... .  

[trevjim]

I'm guessing she was pretty physically attractive?... .  

So perhaps a 10/10 in the looks department... .  what about the rest that came with that?...

You mentioned self esteem issues... .  those certainly affected my perception... .  a drop dead beautiful gf! WOW!... .  I've made it!... .  (ignore the fact she was treating me like dirt on her shoe)... .   ... .  does that ring true for you?... .  You kinda found your "place... .  or purpose"... .  even though it wasn't too happy?... .  

yep that pretty much how I felt! and yes 10/10 for looks, and most of the time her personality was great, she was funny, caring, smart

[Newton]

It's important to frame your feelings of loss within the reality of experience... .  

ie/... .  bear in mind how low you felt when things got bad... .  vs. how elated she could make you feel AT TIMES... .  

Both were part of the roller coaster... .  inseparable parts of who she is... .  the good times were not sustainable... .  and if she has BPD the bad times would have increased in frequency and intensity.

Acceptance of this truth will ease your pain... .  

[mosaicbird]

Yes. God, yes. For 12 years I heard that I was her soulmate and the love of her life... the one person she couldn't get over no matter how hard she tried, the one person she'd given everything to. She wrote hundreds of poems about me, kept mementos including random things I left behind when I moved out (like a nightgown, jewelry, an old MP3 of my voice, logs of old conversations), hurt her partner over her supposed inability to let me go.

Was I dumpable? Sure, for a time, when she couldn't stand being around me anymore. But she would always come back, and she said, "I need you to know that I'll always love you, even if we're not talking again, even if it seems like I hate you." She said, "You're my reason for being alive."

And yeah... .  I believed it. Never thought her "feelings" would change.

[willy45]

I did the dumping. I never committed.

I thought I was invincible to the inevitable after math. I thought that the years of raging and screaming weren't going to affect me. I knew deep down that I could never be with this person. I just thought that it wasn't going to affect me. I didn't understand what any of this was about. I loved her soo deeply. I found her beautiful, fun, interesting, ambitious, sexy, exciting. But I knew she was trouble. I just didn't know that it would affect me. I thought I could just walk away and it would be all done and I would move on. I didn't see the damage it was causing me.