When you were blamed by others as a child...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm sure there are others here who can relate... .  One of the things that's been going through my mind over the last few years are all the times that I, as a child, was blamed for my mother's issues. Not just by her, but by "professionals", family friends, and other family members.

All I heard was, "You need to help your mother more. You're so difficult - why are you making things so hard for her? Why can't you be more cooperative and supportive?" At one point I found diaries she'd kept in which she'd written horrible things about me.

I vividly recall being dragged to "family therapy" by her when I was 13 or 14. The entire session was about how I didn't help out enough, and how I wasn't supportive enough. I remember sitting there just stewing in aborted rage, because of how my adult mother was acting like the victim in the situation, and I, the minor, was being made to take on complete responsibility for everything that was wrong in our household dynamics.

Where was my support? Where was anyone's compassion for the fact that I was completely monetarily and physically reliant on someone so unstable, so inconsistent, so irresponsible that I lived in constant fear of not having enough to eat, of having the power shut off because she forgot to pay the bills, of having nobody at all because of her suicidal fits when she'd take off speeding in the middle of the night and not come home until 4 in the morning? Nonexistent!

I've been working through my anger about this over the last few years, since I finally started to realize that it wasn't actually my fault, or my responsibility... but it still crops up every so often, especially when my grandmother drags me back into the drama and begs me to help my mother through her latest crisis, and cries on the phone to me about how worried she is about her. It hit me like a ton of bricks when my grandmother told me the other year about how sorry she was for what I had to go through growing up with her. And yet, I still get the burden placed on me, because "she has no one else."

[mosaicbird]

I'm sure there are others here who can relate... .  One of the things that's been going through my mind over the last few years are all the times that I, as a child, was blamed for my mother's issues. Not just by her, but by "professionals", family friends, and other family members.

All I heard was, "You need to help your mother more. You're so difficult - why are you making things so hard for her? Why can't you be more cooperative and supportive?" At one point I found diaries she'd kept in which she'd written horrible things about me.

I vividly recall being dragged to "family therapy" by her when I was 13 or 14. The entire session was about how I didn't help out enough, and how I wasn't supportive enough. I remember sitting there just stewing in aborted rage, because of how my adult mother was acting like the victim in the situation, and I, the minor, was being made to take on complete responsibility for everything that was wrong in our household dynamics.

Where was my support? Where was anyone's compassion for the fact that I was completely monetarily and physically reliant on someone so unstable, so inconsistent, so irresponsible that I lived in constant fear of not having enough to eat, of having the power shut off because she forgot to pay the bills, of having nobody at all because of her suicidal fits when she'd take off speeding in the middle of the night and not come home until 4 in the morning? Nonexistent!

I've been working through my anger about this over the last few years, since I finally started to realize that it wasn't actually my fault, or my responsibility... but it still crops up every so often, especially when my grandmother drags me back into the drama and begs me to help my mother through her latest crisis, and cries on the phone to me about how worried she is about her. It hit me like a ton of bricks when my grandmother told me the other year about how sorry she was for what I had to go through growing up with her. And yet, I still get the burden placed on me, because "she has no one else."

[redfox]

Absolutely. I was for the most part a quiet, easy-to-manage little girl, but every psychological discomfort she experienced in her life was rooted in my behavior. She was hard-working, emotionally sensitive, loving, providing--etc., etc.--and I unappreciative. When I developed an aversion to her physical touch I was a "freak" who needed counseling. I was greedy/selfish when she bought me "the more expensive" toothpaste and I didn't seem happy enough, even though she was locking me in the house all day after pulling me out of school, refusing to buy me books/any educational material or take me anywhere at all. My sleeping literally all day didn't bother her in the slightest until I failed to do the laundry. That made me the quintessential bad kid. If I didn't want to share every detail of my life with her, I was secretly doing drugs, drinking excessively, having sex with countless men and maybe even women, etc. Never even had a car, internet access, cable, friends... .  Such a strange period in my life.

I think as I get older (I'm 20 now) I realize that the quality of perspective-taking people like us expect from those with normal parents is often too much. I've been reflecting on my childhood a lot lately, and I do get very depressed when I come to terms with never feeling "safe" with my own mother. One of my earliest memories is this: I was four or five years old, and I was telling my mom that although I loved her, I wanted another one because I craved someone with a more maternal instinct... .  more warmth. I don't think most people experience something like that, especially at such a young age. I can honestly say that as a pre-schooler I felt like my mother's mother. I do feel an existential aloneness at times because I've missed out on what so many see as one of the most integral relationships one has in one's life. Luckily, though, I do have a close circle of friends who understand and support me in my no contact philosophy. She missed her critical period; she can't redo her parenting job. Moreover, I don't think she truly loves me. My mother is attached to the image of herself she sees reflected in me, and any time my words or actions cause that mirror to break into shards of glass, I'm a disposable object. I see the good side of her, or receive surface approval, only when I glue those shards back together with bloody hands. That's not love.

But, yes, I do feel judged because of and blamed for my mother's issues. I'm still finding ways to cope.

[Clearmind]

Oh how I recall this mosaicbird. I know all too well how this feels. All those ‘if only’s’. My enabling mother would constantly tell me to be quiet, don’t answer back, don’t do this or don’t do that – so that my father wouldn’t rage.

What this caused was a child, me, who was boundary-less, a silent child who never spoke up about what she wanted, and a child who was walked over in adult life – by friends, family and partners – I went on to choose Borderline partners myself because it mirrored my upbringing.

Many of us also suffer/suffered in childhood from fear, obligation and guilt. Anyone who is close to a person with BPD is struck with the same!

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I’m pleased you are working through your anger mosaic because what happened when you were a child is not your fault. You needed guidance, love and support and unfortunately many of us did not receive it. Unresolved anger can keep us stuck.

So where to from here? How do we rid ourselves of the fleas from our childhood?

Mosaic I can honestly say that the best thing you can for yourself is not dwell on your childhood too much – begin by researching what ‘personal values’ are and which ones you want to live your life by. We need to relinquish some childhood conditioning and learn to be adults with adult privileges – that is – we now get to decide what we want.

What values do you want to live your life by? When you know what these are you are able to set healthy boundaries to protect yourself from hurt.

It’s painful to continue to keep a tight hold on our past.

It hit me like a ton of bricks when my grandmother told me the other year about how sorry she was for what I had to go through growing up with her. And yet, I still get the burden placed on me, because "she has no one else."

Yes my uBPD father did the same – I felt guilty.

Your mother is an adult mosaic, let her fall, let her fail – she will learn by her own mistakes. If we continue to prop up our parents the pattern will be forever there.

The burden is actually placed on us by us mosaic!

Triggering and Mindfulness and Wise Mind

[mosaicbird]

Redfox, even though it sounds like our childhoods differed in some ways (I was not in any way a quiet child!), there is some interesting overlap - the paranoia (though my mother didn't accuse me of doing things, she would preemptively tell me not to do things in completely outrageous ways, like she expected me to sleep around and get drunk constantly. What the heck?), and I constantly heard about how hard-working she was, and how it was selfish to ask for things when I didn't understand how hard she tried.

She was a single parent, and very isolated... not many adult friends, so it was rare that I got a glimpse of how "normal" people were... .  and I never wanted to leave their homes when I visited. I hated coming home to my strange, isolated life with someone who was rarely warm or emotionally present. (Unless she was enraged.)

I, too, said some odd things when I was very young, about wishing so-and-so was my mother instead (and the horrible guilt I feel for saying things like that to my mother haunts me to this day), and even when I was 4-5, I had this war inside myself about not feeling like I loved her enough. I remember one incident when she dropped me off at daycare when I was four... I was either distracted or annoyed with her, so I didn't hug her goodbye. As soon as she left, I was certain she was going to die in a car accident, and that it would be all my fault for not loving her enough. Maybe that's normal for kids... .  I have no idea. My partner doesn't think so.

Clearmind, thank you for the links. I've tried to do here-and-now based things before, but I always get pulled back underwater as though a hand is grabbing my ankle. It's gotten better over the last few years, but it still gets triggered... .  I really love my mother. I want her to be well, I want her to be happy. I know it isn't my responsibility, but the knowledge doesn't stop my heart from hurting for her. I don't have the caretaker personality that many people here do, but I do have a "fixer" personality, and an immense amount of difficulty separating her pain from mine, even now. (I have a lot of empathy, but it's the undeveloped childish kind that involves a lack of boundaries.)

[Clearmind]

Knowing your triggers, is the first step in letting go of your childhood. No doubt there were some great memories in there as well.

When we delve back to our childhood, have flashbacks etc, you are right, bringing ourselves to the present is really important. Guilt and obligation draws us back there.

What happened to you is not your fault, we need to build ourselves a new template to live our life by - once we recognize what that template it, it takes a while to really start living consciously.

What I mean by a new template - learning new ways to relate to ourselves and to others and to those triggers we mentioned.

Do you have a therapist mosaic?

[mosaicbird]

Do you have a therapist mosaic?

No, not currently. I know I need to go back, but they seem to trigger my "Everything is fine here and I'm happy being this way!" state. I really need to work on that Wise Mind thing in order to make any future therapy sessions productive... .  I'm an expert on not letting them in and only showing them what I want them to see.

[Clearmind]

Being fearful and afraid of opening up is normal under the circumstances mosaic - after all if you opened us as a child your needs were dismissed.

You are an adult now - you cannot be abandoned like you were when you were a child. Opening up does cause an uncomfortable feeling, it makes us feel, it makes us emotional - all this is absolutely necessary if you want to move forward. We all must face the facts - and in all honesty - much of my therapy has been do with creating a new template to operate in rather than delving back into my childhood. Therapists know all too well what legacy a Borderline and/or alcoholic parent provides.

Give it another shot - this board will help you to an extent - however individual work is critical.

All the best

[mosaicbird]

I wish I had enough conscious control to open up merely by willing it to be so... .  I'm hoping that Wise Mind will help with the integration of my thinking self and my emotional self, which are completely severed from one another, so that I can actually help myself/allow myself to be helped this time. We'll see. But the top of ye olde mountain of repression really got blown right off this time, so I am hopeful... .  It would be easier to stay like this, though. I don't know if I'm ready to believe that there's any reason to change. It's safe this way. It might not really be living, but who needs that?

Sorry... I'm being negative all over your kind encouragement. This is just the point I'm at right now. Still reeling from being tossed aside last month by someone I trusted more than nearly anyone else in the world and having the emotional foundation of my adult life ripped away from me.

eta: But geez, even this is revelatory, in that it shows me I still have awful issues when it comes to kind, considerate, and patient people. I feel so ashamed of my stubborn negativity when I'm around anyone showing me kindness and patience. But it just makes me dig my heels in deeper! What a mess.

[Clearmind]

you feel the way you feel mosaic! No apologies necessary.

I love that you are looking into Wise Mind - it really does help!

I can also recommend this book which is easy to get a hold of - "Feeling Good

The New Mood Therapy" - https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/david_burns.htm

Learn to trust yourself mosaic - this will help with opening up - the reason why I didn't want to open up was because I thought I would be torn down. Trust in yourself means you are capable of protecting yourself.

[mosaicbird]

Trust in yourself means you are capable of protecting yourself.

I trust that I'm able to protect myself, but I have never learned to do so without hurting other people in the process.

[Kwamina]

Feeling Good by David Burns is a very good book indeed. I've read it several times and I too strongly recommend this book, for me this was a lifesaver. I've read a lot about BPD which gave me new insights but I needed the techniques described in "Feelng Good" to go to a new level. The cognitive behavior therapy described in this book really helped me transfom my mind and you can even achieve great improvements without the help of a therapist.