Feeling Stuck

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've broke it off with exuBPDbf - but can't seem to go more than 6 or 7 days NC.  I don't want to talk to him, but he manages to call me at work and begging me to listen to what he has to say.  I know it's all lies, or just momentary feelings and emotions for him.  I really feel sorry for him.  He has nothing and really no one - I know this isnt my fault and he had nothing and no one before I met him.  Valentines day I woke up to candy on my car for me and my children - he lives 2 hours away.  I didnt call to check, but sure enough i received a phone call at work that afternoon with him letting me know that he put it there.  He's going through telling me how me and the kids deserved the candy, how we deserved so much more... .  blah, blah, blah.  Begging me to just talk to him, he doesnt want to fight, just wants to talk about everyday stuff.     I've not handled getting away from him well over the last year, and recently I've realized there is no going back, things will never change, I have to move on with my life.  Today, I will not answer the phone, I will not respond and the process will start all over again.  He's stalked me physically, in the cyber world, through the telephone.  Then I see all the posts about years and years of stalking - how do you all do this?  It has to end eventually right?

I have noticed though when I do hear from him, it makes me angry inside all over again.  I start thinking about self defeating behavior - anything that will make him hate me and not contact me again. 

[GettinStronger]

I've broke it off with exuBPDbf - but can't seem to go more than 6 or 7 days NC.  I don't want to talk to him, but he manages to call me at work and begging me to listen to what he has to say.  I know it's all lies, or just momentary feelings and emotions for him.  I really feel sorry for him.  He has nothing and really no one - I know this isnt my fault and he had nothing and no one before I met him.  Valentines day I woke up to candy on my car for me and my children - he lives 2 hours away.  I didnt call to check, but sure enough i received a phone call at work that afternoon with him letting me know that he put it there.  He's going through telling me how me and the kids deserved the candy, how we deserved so much more... .  blah, blah, blah.  Begging me to just talk to him, he doesnt want to fight, just wants to talk about everyday stuff.     I've not handled getting away from him well over the last year, and recently I've realized there is no going back, things will never change, I have to move on with my life.  Today, I will not answer the phone, I will not respond and the process will start all over again.  He's stalked me physically, in the cyber world, through the telephone.  Then I see all the posts about years and years of stalking - how do you all do this?  It has to end eventually right?

I have noticed though when I do hear from him, it makes me angry inside all over again.  I start thinking about self defeating behavior - anything that will make him hate me and not contact me again. 

[turtle]

GettinStronger  

I'm one of the "years and years" of being stalked people.

I know it's hard right now. Believe me. I KNOW how hard it is.  The longer you can stay NC, the easier it will get.  And one day, you won't have such charged emotions about his contacting you.  And... .  the longer YOU stay away from him - in ANY form - it's highly likely that he will eventually wear himself out.  Even if that doesn't happen, and he continues to make a nuisance of himself, YOUR reaction to all of it will change dramatically over time.

6 or 7 days NC is not really enough to experience ANY relief for yourself.  What can you do to turn this into 6 or 7 months?  And then... .  6 or 7 years?

turtle

[Rose Tiger]

   I dealt with a stalker, what it came down to was the only weapon I had was total silence.  He needed feedback, didn't matter if it was good, (thank you for the flowers) or bad (cops paying him a visit).  Just the acknowlegement kept him going.  :)on't return phone calls - let calls go to voicemail, don't acknowledge texts/emails, and do file a restraining order if he starts showing up.

You have every right to live your life how you choose, he is breaking a lot of boundaries with his inappropriate contact.  It's hard to be the 'bad' guy and they know it, they play on this.  When it comes to your peace of mind, be the baddest, meanest, bady guy of all time.  You are important.

[GettinStronger]

I am working on a plan now to make NC last longer.  Thinking of all the scenarios that have happened and how I can do things differently.  Answering the phone at work is one of the things I'm going to have to do differently.  I'll have to make full use of my voicemail.  I changed my phone number last year, he now has the number, I've blocked all the numbers he calls from. So then he calls from "unknown number".  I really don't want to change numbers again, but it's really looking like I may  have to.

He hasn't actually showed up for me to see since I took an EPO out on him last year. It has since expired - he would never answer the door to actually be served the paperwork.  I'm not sure if he knows this or not.  In the past, he has followed me from my workplace.  He has limited funds and a vehicle that could fall apart at any second.  

I need to quit feeling sorry for him, this is the life he created for himself.  Regardless of how many times I hear him saying (in my head) that I did this to him, that i'm the crazy one, that how dare I leave him in his time of need.  ughhh i really need to let go of the guilt.  

With all that said, I know what I need to do... .  it's just following through at this point.  I'm torn between sending an email explaining why - and just doing it - either way, it will start a well planned contact attack from him, so I guess it doesn't matter.  I can even hear him saying "well you are crazy, you talked to me yesterday and now you've switched personalities... .  AGAIN"

I know I'm not the crazy one here, but I let his words get to me    I guess you hear something enough times, it has a way of seeping into your brain no matter how hard you try to deflect.

Thanks Turtle!  You're always so helpful!

[GettinStronger]

Rose Tiger -

You are so right!  Thanks for the encouragement!

[turtle]

I need to quit feeling sorry for him, this is the life he created for himself.  

Print this one sentence out in HUGE red letters and tape it to your bathroom mirror.  Feeling sorry for him is not helping him and it's doing a huge disservice to yourself.

With all that said, I know what I need to do... .  it's just following through at this point.  I'm torn between sending an email explaining why - and just doing it -

Do whatever feels right for you, but IMHO, sending an email is just further contact from you.  I mean really... .  is there anything you need to say that hasn't already been said hundreds of times?

I know I'm not the crazy one here, but I let his words get to me    I guess you hear something enough times, it has a way of seeping into your brain no matter how hard you try to deflect.

And this is the key... .  HEARING it.  Stop listening to him via phone, email, text - everything. That way you don't hear it.

Work is the hard one.  Use that v/m ALL the time.  And if by chance you do pick up. Simply say... .  I cannot speak with you and hang up!  It sounds mean, but it isn't.  You cannot continue to let him bully you into speaking with him.  

Once you take this stance, he will likely ramp up his efforts and you just have to dig in your heels until he wears himself out.

And... .  if you need to get the authorities involved.  :)O IT!  If he's harrassing you at work, he is putting your job in jeopardy.

Good luck and keep us posted on how it's going!

turtle

[blecker]

Nothing in our lives can change without an act of God or a decision.

You can wait for an act of God or decide.

I would decide.

No more.

[GettinStronger]

I decided.  Sent the email, while it's one more contact - it made me feel better.  Not hateful, or loving, just matter of fact how this will not work and contact has to end.  After sending to every email account I could remember of his, I promptly blocked them all again.

Blecker - LOL I remember thinking exactly what you stated, and the thought that came to mind was in order for my life to change, I was going to have to smother him in his sleep :O!  That's about the time that I decided we could no longer live together (over a year ago)

[turtle]

I decided.  Sent the email, while it's one more contact - it made me feel better.  Not hateful, or loving, just matter of fact how this will not work and contact has to end.   After sending to every email account I could remember of his, I promptly blocked them all again.

Good.  Now dig in your heels.  Turn 6-7 days into 6-7 weeks, then 6-7 months, then 6-7 years, and so on.  Don't give in this time!

turtle

[Changed4safety]

I had a stalker about 20 years ago when the legislation was new, and the internet was barely thought of.  We only dated 4 times and nothing (not even a kiss) happened... .  I only stayed that long because I was "too nice" to break it off sooner.  Ignoring him didn't work. I was blessed that I found a police officer who took me seriously.  Won't bore with details but end result was he was arrested, charged, and given a "suspended imposition of sentence" which translated into ":)on't approach or contact Changed or anyone she knows or we will enforce the law to the maximum extent."  In other words... .  forced NC!  It worked.  I didn't hear from him until 10 years later when he sent a strange final email, then nothing.  I have kept all the evidence in case this happens again. 

Basically, yes, get the law involved if you must.  Don't delete the emails you already have, but shunt them off somewhere where you won't see them unless you actively need to look.  I don't say this to scare you, but just to give you one story.