Scared - is it me who is disordered?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Update: I was posting here a few months ago after a second breakup of super-high-conflict relationship. At that time I was torn about the ethics of NC and what it makes us become, partly equalizing withdrawal of supports many of people here experience or grieve. You might remember some of that.

Meanwhile, I got myself recycled back into a strange dynamic. I dove straight back encouraged by illusion of improvement, however old dysfunctionalities quickly resurfaced to an even greater degree. Push-pull, rages, blaming, vindictiveness, the usual, versus my (I believe) improved mindfulness. But, I never emotionally surrendered and struggle became much greater then in previous periods we spent. She learned really well what buttons to press to imbalance me. Ultimately, I was kind of hoping for miracle while expecting a disaster.

So, when it finally imploded, I was prepared in greater part, although it reached new extremes. It all started by me drawing one of my very rare boundaries, refusing to accept guilt for an extremely minor thing. You see, if I knew I often take over guilt for big things, I had to stand ground on some small issues for sanity sake. This small boundary escalated into over a week of the most hurtful things I ever heard from her, including her becoming forcefully physical. I just stubbornly stood ground and she finally went away with „I am truly sorry you did not try more“ conclusion. A balance between that statement and sum of things that were done for here can be made but it is irrelevant. If she thinks that way, that is the way it is for her, no cataloguing will change that. 2 months NC since then.

This all happened right before our first appointment with a therapist together (T suggested). Before last breakup I convinced her to go see a CBT therapist (DBT not available here) to see about her “intimacy fears“. And she went for months, one of the reasons why I agreed to a recycle. Apart from this appointment, we invited her family for Christmas and booked our new year trip. Timing to blow up was just incredible.

Notice how I didn't mention „BPD“ once? That is because she is undiagnosed of any PD and the reason why I am in trouble with myself. Two things:

First, she came out clean from therapist. She said T told her she is under a bit of stress from some childhood memories but otherwise 100% „normal“ and that she need not continue with appointments after we came over once together. Well if she is normal, what does it make me?

Second, this morning I was driving to work, and I just broke down. No warnings, no way to control myself. Just could not stop crying. I became so scared. Left me completely shaken, might not be a big thing, but how is it possible that suddenly I cannot put any control over emotions.

I am 38 and I am scared it's not her but me.

Thank you for reading.

[Numbers]

Update: I was posting here a few months ago after a second breakup of super-high-conflict relationship. At that time I was torn about the ethics of NC and what it makes us become, partly equalizing withdrawal of supports many of people here experience or grieve. You might remember some of that.

Meanwhile, I got myself recycled back into a strange dynamic. I dove straight back encouraged by illusion of improvement, however old dysfunctionalities quickly resurfaced to an even greater degree. Push-pull, rages, blaming, vindictiveness, the usual, versus my (I believe) improved mindfulness. But, I never emotionally surrendered and struggle became much greater then in previous periods we spent. She learned really well what buttons to press to imbalance me. Ultimately, I was kind of hoping for miracle while expecting a disaster.

So, when it finally imploded, I was prepared in greater part, although it reached new extremes. It all started by me drawing one of my very rare boundaries, refusing to accept guilt for an extremely minor thing. You see, if I knew I often take over guilt for big things, I had to stand ground on some small issues for sanity sake. This small boundary escalated into over a week of the most hurtful things I ever heard from her, including her becoming forcefully physical. I just stubbornly stood ground and she finally went away with „I am truly sorry you did not try more“ conclusion. A balance between that statement and sum of things that were done for here can be made but it is irrelevant. If she thinks that way, that is the way it is for her, no cataloguing will change that. 2 months NC since then.

This all happened right before our first appointment with a therapist together (T suggested). Before last breakup I convinced her to go see a CBT therapist (DBT not available here) to see about her “intimacy fears“. And she went for months, one of the reasons why I agreed to a recycle. Apart from this appointment, we invited her family for Christmas and booked our new year trip. Timing to blow up was just incredible.

Notice how I didn't mention „BPD“ once? That is because she is undiagnosed of any PD and the reason why I am in trouble with myself. Two things:

First, she came out clean from therapist. She said T told her she is under a bit of stress from some childhood memories but otherwise 100% „normal“ and that she need not continue with appointments after we came over once together. Well if she is normal, what does it make me?

Second, this morning I was driving to work, and I just broke down. No warnings, no way to control myself. Just could not stop crying. I became so scared. Left me completely shaken, might not be a big thing, but how is it possible that suddenly I cannot put any control over emotions.

I am 38 and I am scared it's not her but me.

Thank you for reading.

[Leaf]

I don't think it's you. Because you're own emotional survival was at stake you were trying to set bounderies. As a reaction to those bounderies her behaviour gets worse. But you were right to enforce some bounderies because you have to take care of yourself. It's high time you take care of yourself yourself because you're turning into a nervous wreck. I broke down like that in the end because I just had taken way way to much. People with BPD can look normal and fool a therapist, so I wouldn't draw any conclusions from that. I hope you'll feel better.

[almost789]

The mere suggestion that you think it could be you is a sign its not you. BPD's don't usually believe they have a disorder and don't generally give it this much thought.

[really]

Right there with you.  We had a part to play.  But as Leaf said our own emotional survival was at stake. 

I'm sitting here shaking right now.  I've pretty much hit rock bottom as well.

This experience opens up core wounds in us.  I've found detaching so hard.  I've found my ex's vindictive and selfish behaviours beyond comprehension. 

Detachment NC and looking after ourselves is the only way.  I know how hard that is n

[trevjim]

Ive wondered the same thing too, but as others have said, the fact that you are questioning this is a good sign, the fact that you are on this board too, is a good sign!

none of us are perfect but the fact that we can realise this and that detaching is so hard and hurtfull for us, shows that we are ok.

[jdcthunder14]

A question I would have also is were you there with her during her therapy? If not, then who knows what could have been said in there. I know my ex that has diagnosed mental illness but undiagnosed BPD has "played" the professionals for years. Reality with any therapy is that it takes the willingness of the pt. to WANT to get better. If that doesn't exist then what exists is the horse that was brought to the water but won't drink.

[charred]

It takes two to argue or have a dysfunctional r/s. I was sure it was all my pwBPD, and now I am positive she is a pwBPD, and that I have my own issues that when combined with hers made for bad fireworks. A pwBPD in particular is good at playing people including therapists. My pwBPD told me that the last T she saw said she was fine, I was the problem and asked her to read "women who love too much"... .  which is exactly what my pwBPD wanted to hear. However her breakdowns, panic attacks, 7 failed engagements, 2 failed marriages and 35 yr history of issues... .  tends to disagree with the T concluding that she just was a bit "unstable."

No matter what she says/does, you are 1/2 the r/s, and can improve your half. It is difficult, or even impossible to get someone to change if they don't want to do so, and it sounds like your SO is going along with you just enough to seem compliant, but isn't wanting anything to be different in herself. I kept track of emails, time that was good/normal/bad, and eventually concluded that my pwBPD was a liar, was happy with all things being my fault, would take from me endlessly and almost never give anything to the r/s and isolated me from family/friends/daughter/exwife... .  and it was getting to be 90% bad/10% good.  So if you are going to keep trying with her, work on yourself, keep seeing a T, and don't be afraid to move on if you think she has a real PD, she is an adult, you can be a caretaker, but you are under no obligation to do so. At heart if you know you have your own issues, accept that and work on them.

[recoil]

Daily I wonder if I'm BPD as well.

Examples of my thinking:

Splitting.  Either the relationship is working or it's not working.  Is that black/white thinking?  In the the beginning of the devaluation phase, I'd work really hard to overcome conflicts.  Nothing was ever her fault though; all mine.  I think as time wore on, I started losing that desire and would just go to "let's break up" mode, especially in the past 30 days.

Fear of abandonment.  She would "push" me away and withhold physical intimacy (even kissing).  I would take these as signs of being abandoned and withdraw from her.  The constant push/pull made me dizzy.  At least withdrawing, I felt like I knew where I was.

Smearing.  There are times I want everyone to know how crazy she is (fight the urge to put it on FB weekly).  I generally bite my tongue but those close to me are probably tired of me talking about it.  I'm doing it less and less as each day of NC goes by.

I have to remember that we both have some issues.  I'm in T working on mine (people pleaser, low self-worth among them).

By the way, my Mother is probably a borderline.

[trevjim]

Daily I wonder if I'm BPD as well.

Examples of my thinking:

Splitting.  Either the relationship is working or it's not working.  Is that black/white thinking?  In the the beginning of the devaluation phase, I'd work really hard to overcome conflicts.  Nothing was ever her fault though; all mine.  I think as time wore on, I started losing that desire and would just go to "let's break up" mode, especially in the past 30 days.

Fear of abandonment.  She would "push" me away and withhold physical intimacy (even kissing).  I would take these as signs of being abandoned and withdraw from her.  The constant push/pull made me dizzy.  At least withdrawing, I felt like I knew where I was.

Smearing.  There are times I want everyone to know how crazy she is (fight the urge to put it on FB weekly).  I generally bite my tongue but those close to me are probably tired of me talking about it.  I'm doing it less and less as each day of NC goes by.

I have to remember that we both have some issues.  I'm in T working on mine (people pleaser, low self-worth among them).

By the way, my Mother is probably a borderline.

The thing is, we all have some bits of dissorders in us, but a healthy amount.

No one likes abandoment, and the fact that you want people to know she is crazy is totally normal, its you trying to preserve your integrity.

We also have some narcissistic traits in us, these help us with our dignity, self esteem and things like that.

I believe it is only a disorder when it gets taken to a new level where it hinders life.

[GreenMango]

481

First, she came out clean from therapist. She said T told her she is under a bit of stress from some childhood memories but otherwise 100% „normal“ and that she need not continue with appointments after we came over once together.

Please look at this again.  This is no small matter.  There is no way to be dealing with resurfacing childhood memories that are negatively impacting your life and to be deemed "100%" normal.  This is past trauma recovery... .  and very serious.

The info you were getting regarding the therapy was second hand filtered information... .  treat it as such and look at the behavior.  Don't look at words, look at actions.

Well if she is normal, what does it make me?

Are you getting some support through this? 

It could help.  Many of the members here are dealing with things like depression, anxiety, etc.   No shame in needing some support. Here is an article on that may help a bit:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a112.htm

[blurry]

 I want to say i have some disorder myself (probably co-dependant), but keep reminding myself, that whatever it is, i never left her, or threatened the relationship in any way, she did all that. Broke up with me 6 times during the last 2.5 months, and every time, it was a day or two after professing and acting so completely and totally in love with me. Never in my wildest dreams did i imagine that, especially after shes the one who proposed to me 5 weeks before all the chaos began.

Plus her history further backs it up, how her 3 exes of 21 years combined (all of whom are fathers to her 5 kids, she cheated on the first, got pregnant and had an abortion before recycling him), before me, put up with all that for so long is beyond me. I think i actually almost feel worse for those guys than i do myself at this point. She had them all painted as demons and i chose not to judge her based on her past, thinking she was just a victim, but now its all clear as a bell.