How could I have handled this differently?

[FollowingBliss]

My xdxBPDh left about a year ago.  He re-engaged in December, calling and sending letters. This continued for a month, at which point he failed to honor a promise. I called him on it, because I was tired of the lies. He split me black, and said I was not a priority. A week later he contacts me wanting to work things out; we had a pleasant conversation then two days later he changes his phone number (email is now the only way we can communicate.) Each time I sent one, he responded by picking out ONE word or phrase that "upset" him, and rip me to shreds for it. The harder I tried to praise or validate, the more he'd insist "You don't like me. Honest to god I think you keep me around to feel better about yourself."  I told him that wasn't true, but he refused to believe anything different.  He also blamed me for his infidelity ("My hands were tied, I had no choice. You make me feel unworthy to even breathe your air".  I got so fed up, finally, I told him I was done. He emailed back threating to off himself and  said I am keeping him sicker.  There is  truth to that, perhaps because I DO overreact at times. He said I am hurting his recovery from BPD, but we could still exchange an occasional email.  How could I have handled this situation better?  It may be too late now, but I would really appreciate a stayer's perspective.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nothinleft]

Hi, FB  We all make mistakes in our relationships. But the one thing you must always keep in mind is that HE is the one that gets picky, has his feelings hurt, moves out, has affairs, blames, lies, gets angry, fails to keep promises and all the rest of what they do. All of this is real in his mind and yet he wants to rekindle a relationship with you. Now he tells you he's going to "off" himself and that you are hurting his recovery if you don't take him back on some level. That is totally BPD and not something that you should blame yourself for or feel bad about. It is obvious why he wants you back-he hasn't found anyone that will put up with his crap. But its not so obvious why you would even want  exchange a casual e-mail with him, because to him that could be the first toe hole he needs to eventually totally get you back and start all of his BPD stuff on you all over again. Apparently, you have gone through the hard part and have separated for a year. That is a difficult yet very necessary step if you want any happiness, why undo all of that progress, because most BPDs never change. If you were a "fly on the wall" the guilt would be gone and the decision would be easy... .  nothinleft

[FollowingBliss]

You make some valid points, nothinleft.  Its possible we can't be together, but yes I was hoping to keep him in my life. Why?  Good question. I guess because after 13 years I feel deep affection for the man, and assumed he felt the same (why else would someone keep returning)?  I do think he cares about me, but not in the way I care about him.  He seemed  perplexed when I told him how much I missed him this year; how hard I took it when he left (I had a nervous breakdown). From what I gather, he really didn't miss or think about me at all. Sad.

[waverider]

Its part of the compartmentalizing of the emotions, either you are the center of their life or you dont exist. They dont handle too many things on an even keel middle ground very well.

That is not to say the switch cant be flicked and you are centre stage again. But the intensity will be the same, the isues will the same, and again the of switch can be activated again.

So for you the potential for recycled hurt is there, it is unlikely his personality or behavior would be revised to cope with whatever caused the deterioration last time. It would be the same old same old.

You need to keep subjective before you start to idealize him. This will help keep you grounded and not become deluded.

[elemental]

Telling him it wasn't true is invalidating his feelings. It's like telling him he doesn't exist. He then escalated the matter by telling you this, ie, he wanted to kill himself because your invalidation made him feel like he might as well be dead anyhow.

That sounds like severe and unfair blame on you, doesn't it?

The problem is to do with communication technique. It order to effectively communicate with him, you have to learn HIS language. That is what the tools to the right on this page are for. To learn all about the culture of the BPD mindset so you can talk to him. It's like having a boyfriend who's native language is Russian. Which I do. I understand Russian, but it's very hard for me to speak it because of the grammer/sentence syntax style. I have a hard time THINKING in Russian.

You are not THINKING in BPD.

The proper grammer for you in BPD terms was to say something like "I can see why you would feel that way if THAT were true."

You just tell them you can UNDERSTAND why they feel the way they do. Then you stop there because you will end up trying to explain it all out (JADE) and honestly what he was needing was to feel that you understand and that he belongs to the human race and isn't tossed out in the cold with no one to ever make him feel REAL.

Sounds convuluted and it can be, but it works.

After learning these techniques I found they can really work. They work awesome. For me, right now, I am not happy with my BPD mainly because I have my own issues to work through around his BPD behaviors and I am worn out on it, and feeling angry and bitter. Which is something you also have to watch out for. This part of the boards totally promotes taking care of yourself and getting lots of support ELSEwhere than your BPD so they don't drag you down so low you fall in the rabbit hole with them.

Hope that view was  helpful. Keep posting everyone here is really supportive.

[Grey Kitty]

I think you got really good advice from elemental here.

I'd also point out that validation is HARD, especially when you are told that you are driving him to suicide or that it was your fault he cheated on you.

I personally have done much better at avoiding being invalidating. I can at least catch myself before I start to argue that I wasn't feeling/thinking that/doing that/whatever.

A touch of invalidation will undo LOTS of validation in a hurry.

[rosannadanna]

Hi FollowingBliss

Elemental said:

Telling him it wasn't true is invalidating his feelings. It's like telling him he doesn't exist. He then escalated the matter by telling you this, ie, he wanted to kill himself because your invalidation made him feel like he might as well be dead anyhow.

I would agree.  Your husband sounds a lot like my PBD.  More of a waif runner, rather than a rager.  When my BPD was in severely dysregulated state, he would say things similar to your husband.  I tend to over-regulate my feelings and it was really awkward for me at first to validate b/c I wanted to "reason" with him, but this will invalidate the hell out of them every time!

I was curious to know if you all have had a pattern of behavior in which he runs, stays unavailable, but still has enough contact to criticize you and have circular arguments, all the while you are fretting (pursue and rescue) about how to get him to see you in a good light again?  This was the pattern for me and my dude, but without the suicide threat, which really ups the manipulation factor and I am sure increases your stress considerably.  Whether this is a pattern or the first time you are going through this, this could be an opportunity for you to change the dynamics from negative to... .  less negative, and that is a good start. 

Read about setting boundaries, extinction bursts, validation, and SET.  Somebody mentioned in another post about tools to use with BPD's when they are distancing and I would actually like to find this myself!

Take care and keep us posted.

[briefcase]

Yes, they do refuse to believe what we say when we try to justify or argue our position. 

Him: You don't like me.

You: Yes I do.

Him: No, you don't!

You.  Yes! I do!

Him: NO YOU DON'T!

You: YES I DO!

And before long, he's blaming you for his affair and threatening to kill himself.

Try this:

Him:  You don't like me.

You:  You sound upset.  Did something happen?

Him:  In your email you, you used the word "foolproof," meaning you think I'm a fool!

You:  Now I see where you're coming from. Anyone would feel upset if they thought they were called a fool. 

Notice that you never actually agree with him that you actually called him a fool. 

If you feel you need to clarify what you meant, use the SET format:  "I love you and want to make sure we have clear and open communication.  I get that you're upset.  No one likes to be called names; that would make anyone upset.  When I said I had a "foolproof plan for a fun evening together" I just meant I thought I had a good plan, I didn't intend it as a comment about you.

Think carefully about whether you really want to explain it, because it can be invalidating, even in SET.  But, using the Support and Empathy statement first cushions the more difficult Truth statement that follows, making it easier for them to hear. 

Hope this helps.