My next baby step...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't have any question here, really. Just thoughts. It's been about 6 weeks since being ejected from, well... .  everything. For the forth time in 4 years. There's been no contact since. I've been hunkered down in a motel, still in the same general vicinity for work, and in the process of relocating. I'll have about 2000 miles of driving to do in the next week. Big fun, that.

So I sent her an email today letting her know that I'll be getting the rest of my belongings from the house - suggesting a time when she and her boys won't be home. Just the critters.

It's so surreal to me going through this again. Re-starting my entire life in opposite directions repeatedly for so many years. I guess I can't put all the blame on her, though. I made a conscious choice to keep sticking my head in the lions mouth.

When we were 'negotiating' my return for part 4, I made it very clear that this would be the final go at it. No more crazy-making. No part "5". No more nonsense. Having had some therapy and meds and 'time', she was soo convincing that the madness was behind her, and for close to a year, there was little to no reason to doubt this.

And here I am.

When she pulled this latest ejection, I reminded her that this wasn't a game - I leave... .  and that's it. It dawned on me that I had actually said almost the exact same thing after #3, and essentially 'taught' her that those words don't matter. Come, go, up, down - doesn't matter. Even with this last discussion, she reversed the notion... .  "Well, that's on you". Grrr. She likely has zero subconscious doubt that she can easily reel me back in at her will. I'm going to have to fight to prove her wrong.

So now I'll be slogging through the next step forward. Getting my things (minus the thousands of dollars worth of furnishings I purchased but have no place for), and putting a considerable geographic distance between us. "NC" won't be a problem. I can do that standing on my head. She's unpredictable, but generally vanishes from me completely for many months at a time.

I'm trying to move forward. Sometimes that process feels like pushing a boulder up Mt Everest, and like most of you here know... .  it's a monumental task... .  

[TheDude]

I don't have any question here, really. Just thoughts. It's been about 6 weeks since being ejected from, well... .  everything. For the forth time in 4 years. There's been no contact since. I've been hunkered down in a motel, still in the same general vicinity for work, and in the process of relocating. I'll have about 2000 miles of driving to do in the next week. Big fun, that.

So I sent her an email today letting her know that I'll be getting the rest of my belongings from the house - suggesting a time when she and her boys won't be home. Just the critters.

It's so surreal to me going through this again. Re-starting my entire life in opposite directions repeatedly for so many years. I guess I can't put all the blame on her, though. I made a conscious choice to keep sticking my head in the lions mouth.

When we were 'negotiating' my return for part 4, I made it very clear that this would be the final go at it. No more crazy-making. No part "5". No more nonsense. Having had some therapy and meds and 'time', she was soo convincing that the madness was behind her, and for close to a year, there was little to no reason to doubt this.

And here I am.

When she pulled this latest ejection, I reminded her that this wasn't a game - I leave... .  and that's it. It dawned on me that I had actually said almost the exact same thing after #3, and essentially 'taught' her that those words don't matter. Come, go, up, down - doesn't matter. Even with this last discussion, she reversed the notion... .  "Well, that's on you". Grrr. She likely has zero subconscious doubt that she can easily reel me back in at her will. I'm going to have to fight to prove her wrong.

So now I'll be slogging through the next step forward. Getting my things (minus the thousands of dollars worth of furnishings I purchased but have no place for), and putting a considerable geographic distance between us. "NC" won't be a problem. I can do that standing on my head. She's unpredictable, but generally vanishes from me completely for many months at a time.

I'm trying to move forward. Sometimes that process feels like pushing a boulder up Mt Everest, and like most of you here know... .  it's a monumental task... .  

[blecker]

I'm going to have to fight to prove her wrong.

I'm trying to move forward. Sometimes that process feels like pushing a boulder up Mt Everest, and like most of you here know... .  it's a monumental task... .  

Yes Dude it will be hard. Your mind will seek the chemicals that this relationship releases. Any interaction, a touch, even a glance will open an inner valve and we will be drunk with endorphons of every chemical make-up. Fight or flight genes kick in. We are in pain but we are alive.

Anything you can do now to bollster your chances is advisable. Change numbers, emails or any conection point she could use to tantalize you.

And your right too that this is a process, a long one. Imagine a large beast which must be devoured. You cannot do it in one sitting or three or ten or even a hundred. It is one bite at a time, chewing thoroughly and with prejudice. One bite at a time over a long time and the beast will be gone.

But one sly, shy glance and the beast morphs into what it was before with an additional horn of misery.   

[TheDude]

Hey blecker. Thanks for the reply.

Sad as it is, this all feels way too familiar. Almost as if I'm a 'veteran' of her dysfunction. I've been around the block more than a few times, and certainly no stranger to dealing with the ending of long term relationships (I turn 50 this year), but this? Not in my wildest dreams (or is that nightmares?) would I have imagined becoming involved in such a chaotic and hurtful relationship - and my previously most significant relationship was with an alcoholic.

It would be great if her behavior when she reappears was as simple as the sly, shy glance. I'm well prepared for that sort of thing. It's the perfectly crafted/rehearsed "I know I was broken, but I'm all fixed now" bit, combined with those mirroring things that sucked me in so many years ago. It is, in fact, utterly intoxicating.

Maybe I should consider myself fortunate, in a way. I read so many stories here of violence and stalking and such. Mine is more of a hermit/waif, but sometimes I think it would be less painful to to have her whack me over the head with a frying pan than to be dragged down into the darkness of passive-aggressive chaos.

[rogerroger]

Not in my wildest dreams (or is that nightmares?) would I have imagined becoming involved in such a chaotic and hurtful relationship... .  

I laughed when I read this because I can relate so perfectly. I used to shake my head in wonder at what other people would put up with, telling myself that I would never be like that.

And now I sometimes feel like the guy in the horror movie who suggests "hey, maybe we should go back in the house?" right after escaping the hatchet-wielding maniac, and everyone in the audience is wondering how could anyone even think that's a good idea?

So just let me make it explicit: Don't go back into the house!

[Tippy]

Hi there,

I have been apart from my ex BPD for 4 and half years... .  he ejected me, no contact at all then after 6 months he contacted me, he hasn't stopped for 4 and half years, only now spreading it out on a 3 month basis.  You won't accept this now, but you are a very lucky person to have no contact.  sure it hurts like crazy and is driving you mad but believe me, you will be contacted and the craziness will start.  Be brave and strong and keep NC with whatever tools you have.  Do not reply to anything they send or try to reel you back in.

Tippy

[TheDude]

So just let me make it explicit: Don't go back into the house!

Man, if I had a dime for every time I've lectured myself on that... .  I'd have 40 cents.

Tippy - Yes, I do have the calm and quiet of "NC", at least through the most important short-term, and the usual is from 6 to 8 months. It's actually become a longer stretch each time. The first BU of 6 months contained only one 30 day stretch of NC. The last time was 8 months. The thing is, the "NC" in itself doesn't really drive me mad at all. It's actually a rather welcome "port in the storm". I DO really miss the good stuff, though. A lot.

[turtle]

So just let me make it explicit: Don't go back into the house!

Man, if I had a dime for every time I've lectured myself on that... .  I'd have 40 cents.

Don't make it 50 cents!

turtle

[mosaicbird]

The thing is, the "NC" in itself doesn't really drive me mad at all. It's actually a rather welcome "port in the storm". I DO really miss the good stuff, though. A lot.

Boy, I hear you there. The breaks used to be a nice time to relax and get some time and thoughts to myself without being on edge all the time. Of course I never believed those breaks were forever - she was a permanent fixture in my life whether we were NC or not.

[blecker]

It would be great if her behavior when she reappears was as simple as the sly, shy glance.

The shy, sly glance is from you.

Like a high strung horse who needs blinders at the gate, we need emotional blinders. Straight ahead, no distractions, our vision must be the finish line: freedom from the onslaught of needs that cannot be satisfyed.

I too, could not imagine myself in a relationship of such cruel intentions. In the end I became pitifull. A pathetic, crumbling shell of a man wandering in a morase of self doubt and sorrow. A catastrophe of a war without borders, without prisoners, only tears. I should have known, and in some ways I did, but it was the illusion that I wanted. The mirage. The coldest of beverages in the hotest of deserts.

But you know, like all those who walk the halls of this site, that the horizon always moves and that frosty glass will never be lifted, only imagined.

[TheDude]

Well, it looks like I'll be doing my own "Groundhog Day" again tomorrow. I had originally suggested that I get in & out of the house while she was at work, and have one last minute with the critters, but she emailed back and says that everything will be out on the front porch. No biggie, I guess. That's how it worked last time. Strange, though. This was my home. My life.

I don't know exactly why this bothers me so much. I've been through this 3 previous times with her. Maybe it's that I'm trying to be resolute in making this time the 'straw that broke the camels back'. Maybe it's that her demeanor about this, as it's always been, is so... .  "matter of fact". The equivalent emotion of taking out the garbage or feeding the dog. I wonder if she'll keep the ring. She kept the previous one - and even claims to have worn it through our previous extended breaks. I don't suppose that matters now.

I just want this over with. Within a few days, I'll be visiting my hometown. I haven't been there in well over a year. After that, a completely new (and beautiful) location where several colleague-friends are. One baby step at a time. I still feel so disjointed. Lump in throat.  

[DogDancer]

TheDude,

Be gentle with yourself. You know all there is to know or ever will be to know about this woman you are leaving. She is not actively seeking help. It sounds like she will never commit to seeking health and recovering, so there will never be a change in her.

The only change is the hard one you are making: in yourself. Every minute, every mile, every day, will be closer to this being a set of chapters from your past. This past will be with you, but the hurt will diminish in time.

You have cared for this woman. You have done your best to love her, but she is not capable of truly loving you because she has no truly defined self to love first. You have, in some ways, double-duty in your grieving. You are grieving for both of you since she cannot do her own. But this will be the last time you have do the work for two.

You will find a healthier relationship and a real love someday. I am sure of it. I'll be thinking of you as I contemplate my own healing before I head to sleep and hoping for some healing rest for you.

Peace and healing for us all,

DogDancer 

[TheDude]

Well, THAT was fun. After tossing and turning my way to maybe 3 hours of sleep, I was ready to get this over with. To start the adventure, I'm greeted with an almost flat tire - which was part of a brand new set installed 2 days ago. That squared away, I'm greeted with gridlock traffic. With just a 2 hour window to get this done, I ended up arriving at the house at the very end of the window. Talk about stress and anxiety. I loaded everything up as quickly as I could (she wasn't home yet). Just as I was putting my seat belt on, here she comes. Argh. I had about 2 seconds to decide whether to stick around for a few or get outta Dodge.

I put it in drive and pulled out as she was maybe 100 feet away. That's that.

DogDancer - Thanks for the kind words. I should note about this:

She is not actively seeking help. It sounds like she will never commit to seeking health and recovering, so there will never be a change in her.

That's actually something of a wild card. She does, in fact, know that something isn't right with her, and has done a fair amount of counseling (on and off) for many years - before we even met. That was the primary reason I agreed to trying yet again this last time - during our last break, she says that she returned to therapy based on the fact that she had hurt me again and didn't understand why she did. And for what it's worth, she did seem perfectly fine with me for about a year, though she did lose her last 2 close friends during this time and had (has) acquired a daily alcohol habit. Back to the old drawing board with the therapy, I guess.

Anyway, I got my stuff, or at least what's important and movable. I'll have to just write off everything else (like all the furniture in the house & 3 HDTV's). Shrug. Interestingly enough, it doesn't appear as if she returned the ring(s). She's a master at the subtle symbolic stuff like that. I know something like that shouldn't matter (and I really don't want it back) - just an observation.

One baby step down. one thousand to go... .  

[spaceace]

Dude,

I am going to be where you are at right now, next Wednesday. After 4 years of marriage, and the 3rd kick to the curb, I am done. I have 3 kids and I know I put them through the ringers for my own personal journey with an udBPD wife. And I cannot take that time back. But I will not allow them to endure anymore crazy making by this woman.

I am half tempted to leave my stuff behind, but there are a lot of items my children still have at the house. So, I feel obligated to go there.

I have zero desire to reengage with this woman. More importantly, I know that I made some really bad choices while with her. I blame only myself for the choices I made in order to have a relationship with this woman. And now, well, I am thankful she is gone. The chaotic life she lives will continue. Me, well, it's quiet. And I have had a tremendous amount of time to lick my wounds and let it go. It has been 3+ months and I am seeing the other side.

Nothing about this has been easy. But sticking with it is the key. I am thankful to be far away and in a place to heal from the horror movie that was my life.

Best of luck to you brother... I wish you well on your journey... .  

As a side note, she told me she sold both the engagement ring and wedding band. How nice of her. What can you do...

[TheDude]

Hey Ace,

I have no desire to engage with her, either... .  especially not under the current circumstances. It would just be more of her unique brand of faux compassion wrapped around more rejection. No thanks.

And I very much doubt mine would ever sell those rings. She claims to have worn them throughout the previous break ups. Um... .  she ejects me from my own life, doesn't speak a word for 6-8 months, but keeps wearing the ring? Who does that?

[GreenMango]

TheDude and Spaceace I've enjoyed reading both your posts.  It may be that you both have gotten to point where you've hit your limit.  Not to say that it doesn't hurt or you aren't disappointed or wish that things had turned out differently.

Being in that place of facing the facts, especially after you've spent some serious time in the relationship, is pretty bitter sweet.  It's like you just know you can't continue dancing anymore.

Just wanted to say even though it may not feel awesome right now there is a silver lining and you both sound like you are getting your feet underneath you to make life a happier for yourselves.  Keep posting and well wishes.

[glacier_glider]

Hey TheDude!

I've been reading you for a couple of weeks.

Seriously, Bro, 2000 miles sound like something I would love to do right now only if I could quit all this sh... .  t here and start driving. This trip alone (unless you totally concentrate on her and start calling) should be one big healing experience.

Keep posting here.

It is snowing some place out there, Dude!

[TheDude]

Hey Glacier.

I'm self-employed and have spent the better part of fifteen years making extended road trips. I've also made the first leg of this trip - here to hometown (and back) - WAY too many times. The route takes me right through the first three places we ever met (for getaway rendezvous). On the other hand, I'm almost numb to that fact by now.

Somewhere on my 'road trip' mix discs is the Allman Brothers "Melissa". Always loved that song, but it's actually acquired a life soundtrack meaning over the last several years. Maybe I'll FF past that. I think "Roll With The Changes" is on there somewhere, too... .  

[DogDancer]

TheDude,

Yep -- change that soundtrack, man! Make a new one for this trip. Later you can reclaim the old favs that have taken on meanings related to your ex. Neural reprogramming is what happens when we do these purposeful actions that shake up our routines. We change our routine, which helps us change our thoughts. As we change both of those, they help change our feelings. Or rather, they help generate newer, more positive, hopeful feelings and memories as we process and work through the painful old ones. You're making some big changes, keep on going... .  even with the small ones.

It takes time, but it WORKS! We know it does. You know it does. 

And this: Work up a good sweat, all. I know, the *last* thing we often feel like doing is hauling our butts to gym or out for a brisk walk or run when we're hurting. Getting the blood flowing and the body pumping though... .  and all those pain-easing endorphins. It helps every part of our beings, including our minds.

As one of my best friends says of these life trials: It's hard... .  but it's not impossible.

More peace and healing to us,

[glacier_glider]

TheDude,

This is just like me turning Harman-Kardon speakers in my car all the way up listening to Aerosmith's "What it takes". Not only listening, but singing, crying, feeling every word, every note.

I was able to put this behind. I tested myself yesterday.

I know I am still attached (on some primitive level) but I am getting much better.

It always felt like she owned me, my body, my mind.

I would get totally hard (aroused) at work when she called me and not argued.

At 43, I was able to make love to her all night long.

Last year - 7 times in about 12 hours.

Addiction? Yeah. Big time!

I need to heal. There is someone very special, very nice out there searching for your soul. And mine.

We will find them. It will just take some time.

[TheDude]

Ah, the road.

It's almost hypnotic.

Hours upon hours to engage in potential (yet imaginary) conversations... .  to write cerebral drafts of letters that will ultimately never be sent... .  to let the mind exhaust you more than the drive itself.

It's been that way for years now.

But as this first leg draws to a close, it's dawned on me... .  none of that happened. Deep thought? You bet. Thought of how the most loving thing I can do for both her and myself is to let her go. It's really no more complicated than that.

A good day. The least anxiety I've felt in 6 weeks or more. That may not signal the linear, but yet another baby step behind. Onward!

If there was a glitch today, it was as I approached the first on-ramp of the day. Glancing at the rear-view, I noticed the words "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear".

Miss Metaphor, you can be a cruel mistress, indeed.   

[TheDude]

Well, another phase of this adventure over.

Going back to my hometown is always a mixed bag. Of course, there's the portion of family that created my own dysfunctions in the first place, and another that's actually the best support I have. Then there's friends who are mysteriously not available (possibly a result of the 'isolation' I inadvertently had myself in for years now).

My brother-in-law was previously married (& 2 kids) to a diagnosed BPD. No pleasant or uplifting stories there.

The highlight of the last couple of days was supposed to be nothing more than a mundane chore - changing some bank account things around. The (very) cute banker gal wrapped things up by writing her personal # on the back of her business card & said, "We should hang out!". Talk about a dose of desperately needed validation!

Just 700 rain/sleet/snow miles left.

[glacier_glider]

If there was a glitch today, it was as I approached the first on-ramp of the day. Glancing at the rear-view, I noticed the words "objects in the mirror are closer than they appear".

Miss Metaphor, you can be a cruel mistress, indeed.   

"Spoken like a true prodigy!"

[glacier_glider]

The (very) cute banker gal wrapped things up by writing her personal # on the back of her business card & said, "We should hang out!". Talk about a dose of desperately needed validation!

Nice!

[TheDude]

Yeah Glacier, It's been quite a week - culminating with the last couple of hours last night in a total white-out blizzard. Only in a Jeep. 

Forward... .