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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Another lonely friday, saturday and sunday night coming...  (Read 8915 times)
LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #60 on: March 01, 2013, 12:47:19 AM »

Fight, fight, fight! Happy, happy, happy!

We are all in your corner 

Good idea from surnia. Counteract those triggers in your home by changing things up a bit. Move the furniture, turn things around. Change things up. Go shopping, buy things you really like. It's your safe haven Smiling (click to insert in post)

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #61 on: March 01, 2013, 12:57:38 AM »

Fight, fight, fight! Happy, happy, happy!

We are all in your corner 

Good idea from surnia. Counteract those triggers in your home by changing things up a bit. Move the furniture, turn things around. Change things up. Go shopping, buy things you really like. It's your safe haven Smiling (click to insert in post)

I needed that first sentence for today. Am currently in the train to work realizing that after today I hit back home, and the weekend, the fri-night, sat-night and sun-night are arriving.

Fight fight fight, I mean, for crying out loud, the moment i read your first line I already felt an emotional glitch in my eyes as I just don't feel a lot of strength. I don't unfortunately. I will do some shopping this weekend. I will, I have to. Thank you, and let's try to make something out of this weekend.

I mean, i'm already SO     ing dreading the saturday morning moment. It's like, okay, what shall we do now? The     ing sole loneliness, blergh.   I just really hope that tonight when I get back from work I don't hit myself with sleeping pills or some alcohol to make myself fall asleep as i'm superbly stressing currently. I sleep 3/4h straight and then wake up again. I don't sleep long hours anymore. I don't.

I mean, once on a saturday morning I was so dreading the loneliness and emptyness of 'saturday morning' that when I woke up at 8 and felt like all I wanted to do is cry in a corner was taking another sleeping pill and fell asleep again till 13.00 Smiling (click to insert in post) then I started my rituals as breakfast/shower etc, and then realized it was almost 6ish. Then realizing it's almost evening and almost sunday making me realize, weekend almost over.

Yay, i'm such a weakling sometimes.  :'( I've had it with feeling sorry for myself. I'd be the first to tell a friend to get of his lazy ass and do something. But now I realize that there are times in life, that there is no energy. No 'passion' from within yourself making your life 'with a purpose'.
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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #62 on: March 02, 2013, 04:51:52 PM »

How's the weekend going?

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #63 on: March 02, 2013, 05:03:10 PM »

How's the weekend going?

Read my other topic I just posted about me just having a talk with my ex  :'(

Other than that, or better to say until that point my Saturday went actually quite good. I rested a lot, got her stuff away (cellar) and started reading the book of Eckhart Tolle, which won't be life changing from rock bottom to king but atleast an interesting read.

And thanks for the reply! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #64 on: March 03, 2013, 12:55:48 PM »

Do the exercises... they seem simple/pointless, but work... I am still amazed, my stress level has stayed low since doing the mindfulness stuff.

Its a start.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #65 on: March 03, 2013, 02:11:19 PM »

Do the exercises... they seem simple/pointless, but work... I am still amazed, my stress level has stayed low since doing the mindfulness stuff.

Its a start.

Which exercises mate?
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« Reply #66 on: March 04, 2013, 12:31:25 AM »

Mindfulness exercises, thought they were in the Eckart Tolle books, but just looked and had trouble finding them in "A New Earth"... not sure where my other Tolle books are. Have a book "Rewire your brain for love" with a lot of mindfulness exercises.

The exercises I meant were the ones where you quiet your mind and pay attention to your breathing, the touch of whatever you are sitting on and all kinds of other in the moment things, just focusing on NOW, not any thoughts of stress, stuff in past, worries about future. Starts with just that... .  get to where you can be quiet/relaxed and not ruminating or worrying... that is a very important start.

Then you start meditating a little a few times a day, getting the noise, worry and tension out of your head, and being present, actually giving full attention to the people you are with, enjoying your surroundings and focusing on what is around you rather than worrying about what could happen, or fretting over things that did happen that over and past.  It is as simple as it sounds... .  but if you are stressed out, over a couple of weeks it can make a huge difference in dropping that stress level.

I have probably spent a few grand on a T since I started seeing one, and maybe $50 on mindfulness books and the books have made about as much difference as the T... very different results, the mindfulness has helped with reducing stress, stopping ruminating, and helping me be centered when dealing with my pwBPD... .  and the failed r/s.  My T has helped point me to mindfulness instead of anti-anxiety meds, understand how the r/s with my pwBPD was toxic, was un-winnable, and that the r/s was only one of my issues, I am digging in to problems I simply never dealt with ever in my life... and slowly making progress. I can say that I am comfortable being alone for the first time ever, I don't have to be dating someone, and I enjoy my company. Of course as soon as I started really feeling that way, I started dating ... .  but very slowly... even that is a change for me.

I will find the other books and point to exercises... or explain exactly what I am talking about, as they are really pretty simple.
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« Reply #67 on: March 04, 2013, 10:24:45 PM »

Hi Harm!

o

I relate to something in your posts. Maybe I am just reading myself into them but I feel I have to share my thoughts. I am currently in limbo as to what to do in life. I feel I have to do a reset in my life priorities. Planning on starting a new career, reeducate myself and totally change my life. There are so many changes going on inside me now. My definitions of reality, love and meaning clearly lack in several ways. Never dreamed in my worst nightmare that I would be in this painful place, and yet I walked the road straight to it.

Forgive me if I am totally off. You seem to question meaning in your work, and yearn for contact with deeper people. There may be some needs inside you, speaking to you, that you have not attended to. This is your chance to connect with that voice. Sometimes it just needs to be heard and sometimes it needs change, eigther small or drastical. Subconciously you already know what to do.

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #68 on: March 05, 2013, 01:42:29 PM »

Hi Harm!

o

I relate to something in your posts. Maybe I am just reading myself into them but I feel I have to share my thoughts. I am currently in limbo as to what to do in life. I feel I have to do a reset in my life priorities. Planning on starting a new career, reeducate myself and totally change my life. There are so many changes going on inside me now. My definitions of reality, love and meaning clearly lack in several ways. Never dreamed in my worst nightmare that I would be in this painful place, and yet I walked the road straight to it.

Forgive me if I am totally off. You seem to question meaning in your work, and yearn for contact with deeper people. There may be some needs inside you, speaking to you, that you have not attended to. This is your chance to connect with that voice. Sometimes it just needs to be heard and sometimes it needs change, eigther small or drastical. Subconciously you already know what to do.

I agree, I do search that, however, I do not really have (or don't feel if its there) a fall out base. A back up plan. I can restart, re-color my pages, but I don't feel like I know what I would do it for. I do feel like I have to reset my priorities, but I also feel like I don't care about the feelings. And the latter is stronger, I don't care. I simply don't care. That feeling, overtakes, slightly, day by day.

My definitions of almost everything got thrown out my book called 'life', I barely trust anyone anymore. Seeing people happy, seeing couples happy, or seeing people flirt are detrimental for my current state of mind.
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Tormenta
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« Reply #69 on: March 05, 2013, 02:33:49 PM »



Harmkrakow, how are you?

You look very, very sad -  a hug 



I´m feeling panicked as the weekend approaches. Every Friday I have to calm myself and repeat: "it´s OK, it´s OK, you have a lot of things to do!" but it´s awful!

The solitude, the abandonment, the memories... .  ugh.

Last weekend I slept a lot, I played PC games and spent a day in my parents countryhouse. And it was not that bad but I ended signing in a "singles" web to make activities and singed for a jazz concert, a walk in the mountains, a book reading club... .  of course activities I didn´t attend to because at the end of the day I don´t really want to meet new people - I want my people to be near me and to ask me to go somewhere. But my friends are related, married, etc.

This weekend, my BPDexbf is going out with some mutual friends and I am not invited. I have to look for my own plans - I hate this.

PD traits  solitude

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #70 on: March 05, 2013, 02:41:33 PM »

Harmkrakow, how are you?

You look very, very sad -  a hug 



I´m feeling panicked as the weekend approaches. Every Friday I have to calm myself and repeat: "it´s OK, it´s OK, you have a lot of things to do!" but it´s awful!

The solitude, the abandonment, the memories... .  ugh.

Last weekend I slept a lot, I played PC games and spent a day in my parents countryhouse. And it was not that bad but I ended signing in a "singles" web to make activities and singed for a jazz concert, a walk in the mountains, a book reading club... .  of course activities I didn´t attend to because at the end of the day I don´t really want to meet new people - I want my people to be near me and to ask me to go somewhere. But my friends are related, married, etc.

This weekend, my BPDexbf is going out with some mutual friends and I am not invited. I have to look for my own plans - I hate this.

PD traits  solitude

Don't even start haha. I feel familiarity in your post. The 'its OK, it's OK' feeling. You know the moment it's Friday and i'm having drinks at work, it's still is okay. The moment, 5 meters BEFORE you exit I already hit that walk of emptiness and than it's still 2     ing hours before I get back home. Which at that time, I already lost all my hopes of having a productive weekend and do something productive.

Weekends blow, I try to get a bit tipsy on Friday so I don't have to 'think' to much on a Friday evening and wake up straight on Saturday around 11/12.

Other than that, my last weekend was by far the worst in years, even to such a extent that my father came and had a look. I never puke out food because i feel ~. Going to look on communities to make friends, new contacts? I don't have the energy and ... I have to admit, my self esteem is so low that I could not face another hit to the face in regards of rejection. I simply couldnt.
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Tormenta
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« Reply #71 on: March 05, 2013, 03:17:04 PM »



Yes, exactly! When work ends on Friday... .    :'(

I wonder if there is a way to spend some time doing thing - online, I guess - with the people in this board? I mean, if everyone is lonely and depressed during the weekends - or holidays - maybe we could play some online games together or chat? Something very relaxed because our energy levels are so low.
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ohmygosh
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« Reply #72 on: March 06, 2013, 03:03:26 AM »

Sounds like a good idea, am involved now with online support group who consider themselves a social site, it's good but due to me living in Australia am often on there at the wrong times due to time differance.  They have games and you get friends similar to Facebook.  If that's not available here it certainly is elsewhere.   I find it good to bevon a number of sites, breaks the boredom a bit

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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #73 on: March 06, 2013, 03:41:19 AM »

I think that is great idea also.  I find it quite therapeutic to hear what all the others bring to this board.  There is always someone with a story that is worse than the one you have it seems. 
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Surnia
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« Reply #74 on: March 06, 2013, 09:05:31 AM »

Definitely, giving support each other for difficult weekends, would be a good idea.

Time delay can be a problem for direct activity like gaming. Other possibility is sharing projects to prevent lonely frustrating weekends. Sometimes it is easier to follow projects when you share it. (Little bit like the homeworks with my T - less excuses to be inactive.  )
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #75 on: March 08, 2013, 01:05:57 AM »

Friday has yet again arrived. My only plan so far is to bring my ex stuff from the cellar to the dump and change my mail address. If anyone wants to chat, you send me a PM for details Smiling (click to insert in post). Venting stories works therapeutic.
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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #76 on: March 08, 2013, 01:41:57 AM »

Hi harm   yes the weekend comes around fast. Glad you have one clean up plan, that's good. Plus your running, two plans perhaps? Catching up for a chat and vent, that's three plans 

Still not sure what I am doing. Been working shifts and so am feeling out of sorts. Feel like slouching out, and watching a few movies perhaps. Movies I choose, that I don't have to debate for three hours whether good or bad  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #77 on: March 08, 2013, 02:29:39 AM »

Hi harm   yes the weekend comes around fast. Glad you have one clean up plan, that's good. Plus your running, two plans perhaps? Catching up for a chat and vent, that's three plans 

Still not sure what I am doing. Been working shifts and so am feeling out of sorts. Feel like slouching out, and watching a few movies perhaps. Movies I choose, that I don't have to debate for three hours whether good or bad  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yip, I want to burn ships behind me. Meaning trash from her goes away. And running and hopefully resting as well Smiling (click to insert in post)
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LuckyEscapee
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« Reply #78 on: March 08, 2013, 02:55:35 AM »

Excerpt
burn ships behind me

Never heard that term before. Learned something new today  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Clearing you space, reclaiming it back for you will be awesome and empowering   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

When I started to feel up to it, I moved my furniture all around, bought new bedding, new wine glasses, different cushions. It suddenly felt new and all for me. Like he hadn't tainted this  space, it felt like he'd never been to my 'new' place, and he wouldn't even recognise it  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

You're doing great mate. 
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #79 on: March 08, 2013, 11:50:19 AM »

Excerpt
burn ships behind me

Never heard that term before. Learned something new today  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Clearing you space, reclaiming it back for you will be awesome and empowering   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

When I started to feel up to it, I moved my furniture all around, bought new bedding, new wine glasses, different cushions. It suddenly felt new and all for me. Like he hadn't tainted this  space, it felt like he'd never been to my 'new' place, and he wouldn't even recognise it  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

You're doing great mate. 

In the train back home, blergh :Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post).

These tension bubbles in my stomach, why did i allow this to happen, she is not worth crying for, it makes me feel like i wasnt worth anything. It puts a knot in my stomach. My friday evening starts in an hour or 2 when im home.
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« Reply #80 on: March 08, 2013, 11:51:44 AM »

Burn ships behind you... I like that.

I have largely moved on from my pwBPD... still check her FB pages once in a while but the resemblance between how she acts and Jodi Arias... is scary enough to keep me away... .  and I have the stuff from us gone now.

Had a conversation last night with my exwife, to see if she really was sure we were 100% done as I was going to date other people... and it ended up being a long mixed thing... she cares/finally understands the reason why I ended up chasing after my pwBPD... is past wanting revenge... and is much happier than she was... feels like she needs T.

She did point out that I don't seem to have moved on from her yet, I have a few old TV sets (50" ones... ). still in my living room and lots of other things from when we were together and she said it is clear that when people are not really moving on from something they surround themselves in reminders... then she told me to get rid of it and move on.

Good advice.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #81 on: March 08, 2013, 12:01:49 PM »

Burn ships behind you... I like that.

I have largely moved on from my pwBPD... still check her FB pages once in a while but the resemblance between how she acts and Jodi Arias... is scary enough to keep me away... .  and I have the stuff from us gone now.

Had a conversation last night with my exwife, to see if she really was sure we were 100% done as I was going to date other people... and it ended up being a long mixed thing... she cares/finally understands the reason why I ended up chasing after my pwBPD... is past wanting revenge... and is much happier than she was... feels like she needs T.

She did point out that I don't seem to have moved on from her yet, I have a few old TV sets (50" ones... ). still in my living room and lots of other things from when we were together and she said it is clear that when people are not really moving on from something they surround themselves in reminders... then she told me to get rid of it and move on.

Good advice.

I do think keeping stuff from the past doesnt neccesarily say whether or not you moved on. A healthy man should be able to look at his past and say, this is what ive done and learned.

besides some stuff you are more attached to than other things. I mean I had to throw away hair gel i was always using at her place, but im currently wearing a vest ai bought when I was wih her during the hatred fase.
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« Reply #82 on: March 08, 2013, 12:45:59 PM »

She meant the reminders being used as crutches... .  other gals would see the stuff and go what/why is that there? She used to get upset that I removed a lot of pictures of us... for opposite reason. I didn't get rid of the pictures, put them in an album and put them with my other albums of memories. When I was going through my divorce it took me forever to go through stuff she left... everything we had done replayed with each item... then when I was pretty over it... had a moving company box and take it all to her place.

It isn't the stuff anymore its more like PTSD... I feel anxiety about going out and doing things for myself... like I need to have permission of someone... and I am pretty sure it is from 3 yrs of being screamed and yelled at by both an exwife and pwBPD... feel like one of those abused timid dogs they show on TV to get money for shelters.

It is another weekend... trying to get enthused to venture out.
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« Reply #83 on: March 09, 2013, 03:19:47 AM »

Staff only

This thread has reached the page limit and is now locked.  Feel free to pick one of the topics from the thread to start a new one.

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