Anyone Else Dealing with the Emotional Aftermath of Violence?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Almost two years ago my then fiancee, who had a lot of traits of BPD, "went psycho on me" as I usually call it, but I don't really know how to explain what happened.  I don't want to freak people out, so I tend to minimize it 

SO, IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, DON'T READ ANY FARTHER!


But basically it could almost have been an episode of my favorite show, "Criminal Minds"><  If you've ever seen the show, you have probably have an idea of what I'm talking about... .    the kind of episode where the husband stabs/bludgeons/whatever his family to death in a fit of rage, with them screaming and blood flying everywhere... .  Luckily, in my case, he stopped himself after the screaming and blood flying everywhere and before actually killing me or my daughter, so that I could run around my apartment complex screaming bloody murder (well, bloody attempted murder? ), leaving trails of blood everywhere and freaking out the neighbors, who took quite a while to actually help us><

But somehow I came out of it "ok" and on the surface if someone didn't look close enough to see the faint scars across my face and arms, they'd never know anything happened to me... .  

And here I am, going about my life and doing surprisingly ok, but worried a bit that I shouldn't be this ok>< Shouldn't I be more upset? Shouldn't I cry when I talk about it?  It's almost like it doesn't totally feel real, like a dream or something.  And while I can still remember basically what happened, some of the details are kind of blurry, which I guess is my minds own way of protecting me from unpleasant memories, but it bothers me... .    You can see how repressing memories (I guess that's what it is?) could cause you to get in further unsafe situations, or return to an abuser, etc... .    Not that you'd want to go about your daily life constantly having full memories of something like that, but you'd sure want to remember you don't want to be in that situation again, right?:P

Anyway, has anyone else been through a similar experience?  How are you dealing with it and moving forward?  Am I worrying too much about myself, or should I be concerned that I'm feeling somewhat detached from the whole situation?

~KP

[KeepingPeace]

Almost two years ago my then fiancee, who had a lot of traits of BPD, "went psycho on me" as I usually call it, but I don't really know how to explain what happened.  I don't want to freak people out, so I tend to minimize it 

SO, IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH, DON'T READ ANY FARTHER!


But basically it could almost have been an episode of my favorite show, "Criminal Minds"><  If you've ever seen the show, you have probably have an idea of what I'm talking about... .    the kind of episode where the husband stabs/bludgeons/whatever his family to death in a fit of rage, with them screaming and blood flying everywhere... .  Luckily, in my case, he stopped himself after the screaming and blood flying everywhere and before actually killing me or my daughter, so that I could run around my apartment complex screaming bloody murder (well, bloody attempted murder? ), leaving trails of blood everywhere and freaking out the neighbors, who took quite a while to actually help us><

But somehow I came out of it "ok" and on the surface if someone didn't look close enough to see the faint scars across my face and arms, they'd never know anything happened to me... .  

And here I am, going about my life and doing surprisingly ok, but worried a bit that I shouldn't be this ok>< Shouldn't I be more upset? Shouldn't I cry when I talk about it?  It's almost like it doesn't totally feel real, like a dream or something.  And while I can still remember basically what happened, some of the details are kind of blurry, which I guess is my minds own way of protecting me from unpleasant memories, but it bothers me... .    You can see how repressing memories (I guess that's what it is?) could cause you to get in further unsafe situations, or return to an abuser, etc... .    Not that you'd want to go about your daily life constantly having full memories of something like that, but you'd sure want to remember you don't want to be in that situation again, right?:P

Anyway, has anyone else been through a similar experience?  How are you dealing with it and moving forward?  Am I worrying too much about myself, or should I be concerned that I'm feeling somewhat detached from the whole situation?

~KP

[Want2know]

Anyway, has anyone else been through a similar experience?  How are you dealing with it and moving forward?  Am I worrying too much about myself, or should I be concerned that I'm feeling somewhat detached from the whole situation?

Yes, I've been through a similar experience and know exactly what you are saying.  I've described it here on the boards as being 'eerily calm' about it after it happened (definitely not during the incident).  I did go through therapy, which helped, but I wonder, too, if I am too detached about it.  Have you done any therapy regarding the incident?

I had taken a photo of my face the day after, and recently found it.  Looking at my black eyes and the gash on my face, along with my facial expression evoked some strange emotions - almost disbelief and total detachment that it happened.  I have the images of what went on that night in my head, and I know what I was feeling at the time it occurred, but now have little emotion attached to it.  As you mentioned, not that I want to be able to conjure up the emotions I felt that night, but I can't quite account for why I do feel so detached about it.

Here's my issue... .  I'm not afraid of being in that situation again, however, I think there is much apprehension about being in any relationship.  Not sure if that is a by-product of the abuse or not, or if I am now much more discerning than I was.  

[KeepingPeace]

That's weird, because just earlier I was thinking of the photos I had taken of myself after it and almost looked at them><  I don't know why I wanted to, maybe to prove to myself that it really happened? 

And I understand about being apprehensive of any relationship at all, which really sucks because doing it all on my own is really draining and I could really use a good man in my lifeXD

I haven't been to therapy since right after it happened, because my therapist at the time seemed uncomfortable with the topic and kind of pushed me out the door... .    So I guess I need to find someone who is used to dealing with this kind of thing, and hopefully someone who deals with this kind of thing with little kids, too>< My poor daughter has an awesome memory, even though she's only 3 and has been talking about what happened, in detail><

[Scott44]

KeepingPeace,

I was physically attacked repeatedly over the course of an 11 year marriage.  I feel detached from it as well.  Maybe that is part of coping with it. 

You mentioned your 3-year-old remembering what occurred.   I hope you can find a therapist who is good with children to work with her.

Take care,

Scott

[turtle]

Anyway, has anyone else been through a similar experience?  How are you dealing with it and moving forward?  Am I worrying too much about myself, or should I be concerned that I'm feeling somewhat detached from the whole situation?

Yes... .  I experienced violence from my ex on many occaisons, but the last straw was also like a made for TV movie.  Blood, horror, cops, neighbors, damaged property, and injuries to me that left scars. HIGH drama. And like you, I escaped before he finished me off.  That was eleven years ago. And like you... .  I was very detached from it. I think it's the only way my brain could really handle it. When I would talk about it, it was like it had happened to someone else and I was telling THEIR story.  

As you mentioned, not that I want to be able to conjure up the emotions I felt that night, but I can't quite account for why I do feel so detached about it.

 

Sometimes, I think an attack from a stranger would have made me more attached to the reality of all that happened.  And isn't that silly. Nothing is more concerning, devastating, horrifying, etc., than having the person who supposedly "loves" you decide they will kill you.  The ultimate betrayal. The last straw of disrespect. It's disgusting.

I do think one of the reasons I feel detached from it is that I let it go on for way too long. I had become "used" to his tirades whether they were physical or not. Of course, there was never an event as horrific as that last event, but there were MANY small signs right from the beginning that his temper was not normal. And... .  after the very 1st small sign of this, that should have been it for me. There never should have been a 2nd time, much less all the times that escalated into that final event.

I feel very bad for your dtr.  No child should have to witness something like this.  :'(

[KeepingPeace]

Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if I had been attacked by a stranger. I mean, there would still I'm sure be the fear of that person hunting you down and hurting you again, but the fact that it's very personal is not only very scary but very devastating too.  It took me a long time to come to terms with being hurt so bad by the person I had trusted so much.  You never imagine that your own home, with the people who are supposed to love you, could be the scariest place in the world

In my case, that *final* violent incident was the one and only time he hurt me.  Of course there had been years of verbal and emotional abuse, and a few times he had gotten physical with an object, but somehow I never thought he would ever hurt me.  Silly me:P  And I always told myself that if anyone ever did hurt me, even once, that would be the end of that.  But in reality, it's much more complicated than that... .  Just like I didn't kick his ass out when he tried to talk my mom into sex>< even though cheating, etc. had always been on my absolute dealbreaker list too (plus that was way more gross and betraying), if he had done a minor injury to me the first time, like a slap or something, I would have been devastated, but I don't think it would have been enough to get me to run, because I was way too attached to him

But yeah, I guess I was really naive because I really didn't think he'd hurt me.  There were a couple of times when I was trying to practice boundaries with him (actually, the final incident was also basically a reaction to me trying to set a boundary>< that he got pissed off and kicked a door or something, but it was more like a kid throwing a tantrum than actually something I thought I had to be afraid of... .    The first time I really felt afraid of him was a couple of days before he attacked me, when he started banging his head on the wall and came at me with this totally rage-filled, out-of-control look on his face.  He stopped himself that time before he touched me, but he looked like a total stranger at that point, not like himself anymore and it really freaked me out.  That was when I seriously started thinking about how to leave him. Although I don't think I really would have at that point... .  because I still "loved" him><  Even after he practically tried to kill me, I "loved" him and missed him and probably would have taken him right back if he hadn't been in jail and a no contact order in place... .    I was just the other day looking at an email I had sent to him at the jail, the week after it happened, when I got home and found a collect call message from him on my answering machine. I was actually feeling BAD that I hadn't been there to take his call and apologizing for the fact that he was gonna get served with a no-contact order><  WTF?   Although I still do wonder what he was calling for... .  1) actually thought I'd bail him out>< or 2) to say he was sorry... .     Probably 1   And even 2 wouldn't really have made me feel better and might have sucked me back in... .    Like 2 might have led to 1   But I'll never know, cause haven't heard from him since... .  Yay!:D

So yeah, now I'm stuck knowing that the person I trusted so much betrayed me in such a horrible way and it's hard to think about trusting anyone again.  I also learned some really nasty things about him after, when I was looking through his things trying to figure out what else I didn't know about him><  Like a chat with a friend about how he wanted to have a daughter someday so he could f$%k her><  Knowing someone could want to do that to their own daughter is making it really hard for me to trust ANY man being around my daughter 

Yes, therapy timeXD

~KP

[turtle]

Like a chat with a friend about how he wanted to have a daughter someday so he could f$%k her><