Seething at the unfairness of it all

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Bad day today.

Landlord came round this morning, and I found out that my ex hadn't bothered to let him know she'd left.  So I had to do that - he didn't look amused.  I am obviously still keeping up with bills and commitments.  And it got me thinking how unfair it all is... .  

We chose this place together.  Decorated it together.  Paid half the bills each.

Now she just swans off, and is living rent-free with her new girlfriend.  I have now hidden her on facebook (not deleted her as I don't want to upset her TOO much as she owes me money, as I have stated before) but before hiding her statuses, I see that she is swanning around going to concerts, theme parks, nights out drinking... .  

I am stuck paying bills, I can't afford to do anything nice.  If I go out with my friends, I literally buy one diet coke and then water for the rest of the night.

She has a new girlfriend who I guess is treating her to all this stuff.  And she is getting loans I am sure (which she will conveniently ignore).

I know in the long run I'll be the happy one - I'll meet somebody great. But I'm scared I won't. I just don't find many people that I am drawn to.  She was the main one in my life.  And it's harder, being gay, as there are less possible potentials.

It all just seems so goddamn unfair!  She is having a great time and I am sitting here, having been chastised by the landlord this morning that the place is a bit untidy, and the garden hasn't been done - but I don't know HOW to do a garden, that was her domain   I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but you know what - I just feel like she has NO accountability.

Her new gf seems lovely too   I mean, I am a lovely person, I have lots to offer, how can I have lost everything whilst she gets picked up and helped, given a place to stay rent free, no bills, money to spend... .  and I'm struggling.

Just wondering if I'm the only one who feels like this? It just seems so unjust!

[mango_flower]

Bad day today.

Landlord came round this morning, and I found out that my ex hadn't bothered to let him know she'd left.  So I had to do that - he didn't look amused.  I am obviously still keeping up with bills and commitments.  And it got me thinking how unfair it all is... .  

We chose this place together.  Decorated it together.  Paid half the bills each.

Now she just swans off, and is living rent-free with her new girlfriend.  I have now hidden her on facebook (not deleted her as I don't want to upset her TOO much as she owes me money, as I have stated before) but before hiding her statuses, I see that she is swanning around going to concerts, theme parks, nights out drinking... .  

I am stuck paying bills, I can't afford to do anything nice.  If I go out with my friends, I literally buy one diet coke and then water for the rest of the night.

She has a new girlfriend who I guess is treating her to all this stuff.  And she is getting loans I am sure (which she will conveniently ignore).

I know in the long run I'll be the happy one - I'll meet somebody great. But I'm scared I won't. I just don't find many people that I am drawn to.  She was the main one in my life.  And it's harder, being gay, as there are less possible potentials.

It all just seems so goddamn unfair!  She is having a great time and I am sitting here, having been chastised by the landlord this morning that the place is a bit untidy, and the garden hasn't been done - but I don't know HOW to do a garden, that was her domain   I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself but you know what - I just feel like she has NO accountability.

Her new gf seems lovely too   I mean, I am a lovely person, I have lots to offer, how can I have lost everything whilst she gets picked up and helped, given a place to stay rent free, no bills, money to spend... .  and I'm struggling.

Just wondering if I'm the only one who feels like this? It just seems so unjust!

[trevjim]

Im the same but the other way round.  The house we got, all the furniture, our cat, the little boy who called me daddy. Her new boyfriend has now inherited all of that and I'm left with nothing of material value.

Its so unfair but what can you do?

[mango_flower]

So sorry to hear that Trevjim

I guess all we CAN do is learn from it, take precautions in any future relationship so we don't end up like this again... .  it sucks though, cos it feels like my faith in the world and in karma has been ruined.

This board is a godsend - nice to be able to vent to people who REALLY get it.  My friends are great and all have their own stories of heartbreak, but as I read somewhere, a BPD breakup really is worse, and I'm just not sure they understand the complexity of it all.

[Natalie2012]

Hi both, so sorry to hear you are going through this too. I am in a similar position having been thrown out of the flat we shared last night (one of many ocassions). The one comfrt I guess is that we aren't alone in this. The other thing is support on here gives us a reality check and we can be reassured that this treatment is not kind, is not acceptable and is not what we should expect from a healthy person, whether or not you are in the process of breaking up.

We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are worthy of much better. We need to be kind to ourselves and not punish ourselves by thinking about what they are doing and how happy they seem to be. We need to take control of what we can, ourselves and our own lives. We need to train ourselves to stop looking for that person to meet our needs, and to look within ourselves and our wider support network for the support we need.

Sadly our partners are not likely to acknowledge the injustice of the situation, they may not apologize or ever take responsibility for their part in the failure of the relationship, and to rub salt in the wound, they may never take responsibility or be honourable in sorting out practical and financial matters in the fallout. But if we can let go of those expectations and accept that they may not do the right thing, then we take back the power from them and give ourselves the power to move forward.

I hope this helps in some way

Xxx

[freshlySane]

it is unfair trust me i know my expwBPD is bi sexual and she had a relationship with a woman and left her to recycle me and left me to a new guy. I feel horrible for her Ex girlfriend and ex husband i believed her when she said they where horrible. but i know now to take what she says with a grain of salt. She stole money from me the money we had or should i say i made for our apartment.

I worked long days and many hours to help here she was in a shelter when we recycled and i felt for her and only wanted to be their for her losing my soul and sanity in the process. If you can let the money as with her go its not worth it my ex even stole money from her ex funny enough money they were using to get a place and her ex had called me demanding my ex repay her, but as captain save her i enabled her and defended her so bad on my part. I do not know your ex as everyone is different so i can not say she will not give you what she owes a lot do not live up to mature moral high grounds. but if you can get through this tough time emotionally mentally financially this will be better.

i actually told my ex after she said shed never give me my money back to keep it that's the cost i have to pay to be rid of you id gladly pay it. It did hurt when she got an apartment i mean she was dead broke and now she has a place in NY hmmmm seems like she got what she wanted out the shelter and i am getting what i want happiness its not fully here but its coming. it is unfair but all in all they have to deal with themselves we don't have to deal with them and if they can do this can they really be there for us when we need them the most honestly no they are selfish.

sorry if i am being blunt or rude i just wanted to point it its OK life has a better role for us if we let it takes us.

[yaryu]

You are not alone, Mango Flower.  I'm fresh on this trail of hurt and wonder the same thing.  I can completely relate with you, being my girlfriend has replaced me, with a man!  One that can possibly fulfill all her dreams, while I'm left here broken wondering if I'll ever meet someone again.  I finally got the courage to come out of the closet, and my first decided to change her entire life to be bisexual to experiment with men while wanting to keep me as her lesbian partner.     

We can only fix the unfairness by getting our lives back together and work on making it better for our benefit.  Yeah, easier said than done, but that's all I can hope for, so I wish you more better days and lot fewer bad ones.   

[crashintome]

I completely understand.  I'm in a similar boat.  It's so hard to be the one who is left behind and alone.  But, when I get really depressed about it, I remind myself that the happiness the ex is exuding is simply a facade.  They aren't REALLY happy.  I'm trying to stay in the mindset that I'm happier and better off without her. 

[mango_flower]

Thanks guys

I am doing a bit better now after a lovely afternoon with my awesome team mates.

So sorry so many of you have been screwed over too

Let's just keep reminding ourselves that this is temporary - these feelings will pass and life will get back on track.  A year from now, maybe we'll have it all sorted xxx

[Cumulus]

Oh mango flower, I just wanted to tell you, wait just a few decades. At my age there are few men but lots of women . Glad you had a good afternoon.

[jp254958]

Accepting the unacceptable is one of the hardest parts of this experience.

Being treated so poorly by someone you cared about is unfair. It poses so many questions.  Why me?  What's the learning here?  Why this, why that.

We learn to accept that there are situations that we cannot control. That we can't fix anything except ourselves. That hope, fulfillment, and happiness reside within ourselves.  I'm still learning and I'm hitting a dead end, but I am going to keep working. 

Most of all, we learn that we deserve better than what we chose to put up with.