Coming to terms that d13 is in RTC still questioning decision

[Cici]

My d13 has been 5 hospitals since November 2012, most recently we were told she was going to be committed to a state hospital.  I was told that we wouldn't be able to choose to discharge her until staff agreed she was "better".  It was expected to be at least 6 months.  We sought advise of a lawyer familiar with the facilities in NJ and were advised that these places were last resorts for teens whose parents had basically given up and had a lot of delinquent behaviors.  My d13 has no delinquent behaviors, is not disrespectful, not angry, has a good group of friends, not substance abuse etc... .  she cuts and has SI. So we put her in an RTC in Utah, one that I have been told has a great track record with BPD teens.  I'm struggling with perhaps I shouldn't have panicked when the hospital said they wanted to commit her, I am not even sure what that means here in NJ.  I am getting therapy for me now to help with my anxiety and self doubt over this decision.  How long does it take for the parent to adjust?   I feel like I need an RTC after the roller coaster of emotions of the past 5 months.  She is diagnosed MDD,GAD,ADHD and BPD was just added at the latest hospital prior to the RTC.  We never got to the outpatient treatment, every time we had an intake for a PHP or an IOP she would cut or go in and report actively SI which would get us referred back to local crisis hospital.  I want to take her home and get her intensive one on one therapy and have a private psychiatrist stop the rollercoaster of meds she's been on too.   Can the meds be causing the SI?  Or am I just in a big fat stage of denial that she has BPD even though she's not angry etc... ?  I just don't want to be contradictory to the treatment and therefore a part of the problem and not the solution.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi CICI -

This is a very tough decision to make. I would think that your retaining control of the situation of the rtc and not giving up your parental rights to the state of NJ to commit your D is the right thing to do. What is your T's approach in your therapy, and has it been helpful for you yet?

How long has your D been at the rtc? I can take 1-3 months of struggle for your daughter to get over her own denial and start to work with the program. What kinds of family support and interaction are a part of the program at the rtc?

We do care so much for you and your family. Even though I did not go through the same path as you are in with my BPDD age 26, I can sure understand your distress. It is so so scary knowing how to cope with SI. Many of the parents here have seen this behavior decrease or disappear with time, and often with self-awareness skills for our kids. It does take time for each of us to get where we need to be.

I will go back and read you intro post, and see what articles and workshops might be helpful for you right now.

qcr  

[qcarolr]

CICI - here are a couple of resources that focus on adolescents.

Book: Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents:

A Complete Guide to Understanding and Coping When Your Adolescent Has BPD

By Blaise A. Aguirre, MD

Link to reveiw;  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65571.0#lastPost

Video: BPD In Adolescence: Early Detection and Intervention - Blaise Aguirre, MD (Uploaded on Nov 22, 2011;

Family Perspectives on Borderline Personality Disorder: The Basics and Beyond - Atlanta, GA - November 4, 2011)

Link to utube vidoe; www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4KjxxPp3Ls

Hope the info here is helpful for you. Please understand that BPD can show itself in many ways - it can be so unique. How I can see this in my BPDD26 is when she is internalizing her intense, overwhelming emotions she cries and becomes filled with suicidal thinking For her this often flips rather quickly in rage - projecting her emotions onto the nearest and dearest, usually me as mom.

As I have learned the skills, and DBT for myself was one of the first, and put them into practice things have gotten better. The rtc whre you D is at CAN work for her. Please reach out as the options for your participation are made open to you. Remember the first task has to be to get your D connected - and she will resist this with all she has. Hold on.

I walked through lbjnltx journey with her D at Falcom Ridge for those 10 months she mentioned in a reply to your intro post. There was much torment in the beginning. I have also heard this from other parents -who so want to bring their child home in that first 4-6 weeks as they are begged by their child to come home. I hope as you can take in all the information, that you can find the hope that is here for you, and for your D.

Please keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. This is the best place in the world to vent, cry, ask for what you need. We will be listening.

qcr

[Cici]

The care love and support I have found here in just a few hours has given me much needed strength.  I will have to stay connected here to stay strong and resist the urge to rescue her.

Thank you.

[sunshineplease]

Hey, CICI, I hear you're feeling overwhelmed and scared right now, and I know you'd love the absolute reassurance that you've made the right choice -- the same reassurance I crave!

I just put my ud17 (MDD, GAD) in an RTC, as well, and I think it's normal to doubt one's decision. Mostly that's because I don't believe the psycho-industrial complex has anything to offer that's the perfect fit for these teens. I did get some interesting advice as I was doing my research and making plans: The founder of one RTC said, "whatever decision you make will be the right one, and you'll go one from there." Which I took to mean that there are no guarantees in life, only that we're doing our best every moment with the information we have.

I also asked a friend what it had taken to help her daughter (who'd been nonfunctional and suicidal) get better, and she said, "Time." She felt that keeping kids safe at this particularly difficult age (puberty - age 24 or so) was key. And based on what you've said, it would seem that keeping your daughter safe is priority #1. So RTC sure sounds like a reasonable step. Integrated treatment modalities seem the most promising option, too, particularly those focusing particularly on BPD.

As for intensive outpatient, that's what was recommended for my daughter, too, but we knew she wasn't ready for it. Everything I've read about intensive outpatient work with BPD patients suggests that patient buy-in is crucial, and my daughter simply wasn't there. I'm thinking your daughter might not have been, either.

Give it a little time, too. It sounds as if you're starting the hard work of adjusting to life as the parent of a mentally ill teen. It just stinks, and it IS a lot of heavy lifting for us. As I've had some time and space to take care of myself, I've been able to learn more about mental illness (through this forum and NAMI and our family therapist), and I'm pretty sure my daughter's depression is of the "atypical" kind, and her BPD traits are low-functioning/not angry. The RTC where she is is treating the behavior, not the diagnosis, so she's not victimized (her favorite role) by the diagnoses, but what I'm learning (and knowing her so well, as her mom) I can pass on to her new therapist.

As for the meds, I'm not a huge fan. As Malcolm Bowers says, "some persons are more vulnerable than others to the psychotogenic potential of these agents ... .  urge caution in their use, especially in those with a family history of major psychotic or manic illness. I believe that psychiatry as a field has not emphasized this point sufficiently." Based on my daughter's response to SSRIs (not working, while simultaneously causing pretty nasty side-effects), I'm pretty sure she has the same genetic drug-metabolism problem my sister has. (When we have access to a major medical center visit, we'll test for that; in the meantime, my child's finishing being weaned off the last of 6 drugs). At my NAMI group this week there were several sets of parents who believed their children's psychoses were drug-induced (illicit drugs AND psych drugs). I could go on and on, and I know you'll hear from parents who swear drugs were a huge help to their kids. And I'm not anti-drug, as chemo saved my daughter's life when she was three. But if the drugs seem to coincide with a worsening of symptoms -- as was the case with my daughter -- I'd sure ask a lot of questions.

I wish you love and light on this difficult journey, and am sending a cyber hug to a fellow traveler on the road no one wants to be on!

[Cici]

I'm still researching if the RTC is the best decision for my D at this point.  My sbtx now wants to sell our home which I was supposed to retain in the divorce, to pay for treatment.  I want to refinance it and retain the property, we are at odds with everything right now.  I found a good resource from alink on the FTC's website for parents considering RTC.  Some good consumer information for anyone in the investigation stages of RTC's.  I tried to be very thorough but discovered I was told the RTC was accredited for the medical aspect of the program by JCHAO and found out after she was admitted that it's not.  This is my big concern right now.  Meeting with lawyers today sbtx won't talk about my concerns or the fact we disagree on treatment and how to pay for it.    

www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens

www.astartforteens.org/warning-signs

[lbjnltx]

Hello CICI

Just for clarification purposes regarding funding for your d's rtc, are you saying that the insurance company told you they would pay for the rtc and then said they would not or are you saying the rtc told you they were JACHO certified and then after she was enrolled you found out they were not JACHO certified?

Sometimes RTC's can be funded outside the guidelines of the policy verbiage if  you work with them... .  not an easy thing to do I know.

[jellibeans]

thanks CICI... .  these sites are very helpful... .  

I have been thinking about you... .  how is it going with your dd? How stressful to be worrying about money issues but I guess that is the ugly reality of the situation... .  my husband recently suggested that plan as well... .  I tend to think refinancing would be better since the interest rates are so low right now... .  don't rush that decision... .  

Have you had a chance to talk with dd? I am thinking of you... .  stay strong... .  one day at a time... .  

[jellibeans]

CicI

Can you update us on your dd?

[Cici]

I'm really really struggling with the decision to keep my d13 at FRR.  It'll 4 weeks on Friday, I did talk to her yesterday and as expected she cried to come home.  I can handle that, it's tough to hear but I expected that.  What I didn't expect is that she reporting, it's not confirmed by staff yet, although the clinical director was in the room while we were talking, that she was called a btch in PPC group and then mocked by someone.  She was given the meeting and decided to accept it as if she chooses not to she is not allowed to respond or talk in the meeting just listen.  She is being checked on her shirt being untucked and her bed not being made... .  I feel like she is just being picked on.  I didn't tell her any of this of course.  To top it off her t has been out since May 6th.  So I haven't gotten any info from the proc either.  I am just not getting communication that I feel is necessary.  I am trying to be patient, is it unreasonable to expect an answer to an email after 48 hours?  D13 states she has only received a few emails I have sent her and I have not received a single letter yet, the clinical director explained mail takes a long time from Utah, 4 weeks? I do not agree with communication being so restrictive I am trying to use radical acceptance here.  I am just not happy with the RTC.  I am sorry I can't be more positive, I am reading and rereading lbjnx blog about here daughter's time there and trying to reassure myself this is an appropriate program.  I don't really know how d13 is, no one from the staff is really telling me a whole lot.  sbtx wants her to stay there, I feel like I have no say in the matter and that she is being held there against my will.  I will not and have not let her know there is a conflict between her Dad and I or that I am questioning the program.  I just don't know why we have to take this tough love approach in order to treat a girl that has SI and SIB, I feel as if they are treating behaviors and not a mental illness.  How does being told to tuck in your shirt by your peer help you get rid of the si thoughts?   :'(  I'm in a very very bad place... .  

[jellibeans]

Cici

Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you a great deal and can't imagine how difficult it must be for you all. My dd is in ER with suicide attempt and I am unsure where to take her. I don't know if you remembered we talked a few weeks back.  I will say a prayer for you I hope things work out. Seems like one situation is no better than the other. Try to rest and I hope your dd is getting the help she needs. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I'm really really struggling with the decision to keep my d13 at FRR.  It'll 4 weeks on Friday, I did talk to her yesterday and as expected she cried to come home.  I can handle that, it's tough to hear but I expected that.  What I didn't expect is that she reporting, it's not confirmed by staff yet, although the clinical director was in the room while we were talking, that she was called a btch in PPC group and then mocked by someone.  She was given the meeting and decided to accept it as if she chooses not to she is not allowed to respond or talk in the meeting just listen.

This is good... .  that she would take a meeting so early on in PPC group.  It gives her the opportunity to learn how other's perceive her behaviors and attitude. Getting the feedback from her peer group will mean more to her than the words of adults.

Being called an ugly name by a peer in the outside world is a common occurrence right?  Dealing with it in a constructive way will show her how to deal with it when she gets back home... .  transference of skills to home environment is the goal.  Have you read "Positive Peer Culture" by Harvy and Bentro yet?

 She is being checked on her shirt being untucked and her bed not being made... .  I feel like she is just being picked on.

It is about being compliant and following the rules... .  about bending the strong will without breaking the spirit.  Most teens with ODD need the rules and compliance aspect to be able to respect others and their boundaries.  They learn that it is their responsibility to follow the rules and when responsibilities are taken care of then privileges are earned.

  I didn't tell her any of this of course.  To top it off her t has been out since May 6th.  So I haven't gotten any info from the proc either.  I am just not getting communication that I feel is necessary.  I am trying to be patient, is it unreasonable to expect an answer to an email after 48 hours?

That can always use improvement!  I was really glad when I began to get the progress reports on a regular basis.  Call Karen everyday if you want to ... .  just to ask "How is my d today?"

  D13 states she has only received a few emails I have sent her and I have not received a single letter yet, the clinical director explained mail takes a long time from Utah, 4 weeks? I do not agree with communication being so restrictive I am trying to use radical acceptance here.

All outgoing mail by students is reviewed by staff to be sure they are not being abusive towards their parents. If a student writes something abusive their t will usually give them the letter back and ask them to rewrite it.  It takes time to review all the outgoing communication... .  and yes... .  mail travels very slowly through the mountains.  My d did not write me one single letter in 10.5 months... .  it was her choice.

 I am just not happy with the RTC.

What would make you happy?

I am sorry I can't be more positive, I am reading and rereading lbjnx blog about here daughter's time there and trying to reassure myself this is an appropriate program.  I don't really know how d13 is, no one from the staff is really telling me a whole lot.  sbtx wants her to stay there, I feel like I have no say in the matter and that she is being held there against my will.

When her t gets back and you have regular family therapy over the phone you will get a good sense of how she is.  Are you angry that you don't have control over this?  I would be angry if I felt decisions about my d's care and well being were outside of my authority. 

I will not and have not let her know there is a conflict between her Dad and I or that I am questioning the program.

It is important to present a united front and belief in the program, otherwise you are undermining the authority of the program and it's affectiveness for your daughter.

I just don't know why we have to take this tough love approach in order to treat a girl that has SI and SIB, I feel as if they are treating behaviors and not a mental illness.  How does being told to tuck in your shirt by your peer help you get rid of the si thoughts?   :'(  I'm in a very very bad place... .  

There is intrinsic value in the all aspects of the program.  Learning to live side by side respectfully with others, valuing self enough to have and enforce boundaries, and being accepted by and accepting of peers are some the goals of the program.  When conflict arises the student is guided in therapy to look at their belief systems, thinking errors, lack of coping skills and long and short term goals.  It is a lengthy, indepth process.  What has transpired over the last year in terms of improvement at home for your daughter?  Was what you were doing at home working?

[Cici]

I haven't finished reading Positive Peer Culture yet, what I am reading is only causing me to question this further, d13 is not ODD, didn't have negative behaviors (excluding SIB) at home or school, no problem with authority etc. She was cutting and battling with si.  As far as taking the meeting, I completely disagree with derogatory comments being used in or out of therapy, there is no place for name calling, it can become abusive.  They drilled into me that all the checking was done in a kind and loving manner with respect.  It is not respectful to be called names.  I am assuming staff interceded and addressed that situation.  I certainly hope so.  I did encourage d13 to approach her peer and explain to her how d13 felt when her peer called her a name, I suggested she do this with staff present.  I don't want to teach d13 that she should accept being verbally mistreated by peers or anyone is ok.  d13 has always been good about following directions and accepting authority, I don't have my head in the sand here, I have questioned myself over and over.  I don't get complaints from school about her and other than reminding her to do her chores at home she doesn't challenge her dad or I.  I called Karen the other day to check on my d13 and was referred to the program director whom updated me as best he can at the moment.  I am trying to be respectful of their time and not be intrusive understanding their job is to treat my daughter so I haven't called Karen a lot.  Perhaps I'll start calling instead of waiting for a response to my emails.  I would be happier with the RTC if 1) there were more open communication i.e. my emails were given to d13 on the same day I write them, 2) I could call and speak to d13 at a set time 2-3x a week, again she's never been abusive or aggressive verbally to us or anyone else that I am aware of, 3)if we had an update/assessment by the pdoc at this point, 4) there was more dbt therapy 5) more equine therapy, currently she goes out about 1x a week. 6) we had scheduled therapy phone calls in place 7) they would respond to emails within 48 hours. 8) they didn't require uniforms.  9) she was with peers that were closer to her age.  12-14 not 14-17. 10) she had more 1 on 1 therapy sessions, at least 2 a week.    I recognize that my lack of control is very uncomfortable for me, I acknowledge that will be my challenge throughout this process, I am working on letting go and accepting that I cannot control this.  sbtx stated last night that he didn't want d13 to come home until divorce was final as that he made her a promise that he would move out soon and he wants to keep that promise. I feel as if he just wants to warhouse her there until the divorce is final and then will agree to bring her home, he readily states he doesn't think she needs to be there for 9 months.  So yes, I am being manipulated by sbtx.  It does anger me.  I am trying to make sure that my motivation/desire for d13 to be home is not for my own needs and that I am doing what I truley believe to be best for her, even if it against professional advise.   I do not want to disrespect the program or the professionals and the time and attention they are giving to my daughter to help her.  I will not undermine them by giving d13 visibility to my discomfort, I have to deal with my own issues.  I recognize that what was happening at home wasn't helping d13 at all, we never got a chance to do outpatient therapy she was constantly in crisis stating si and sib.  no attempts just statements.  So I am reminding myself of this daily, home was not working and I have to give this program a chance.  I have to accept that home may have even been the cause of some of this behavior.   I am fearful that if we've made a mistake she will be worse not better.  Then again, if we make the mistake of pulling her she could still get worse not better.  I just wished I had a better understanding of how the program operated before I sent her there,  I don't think I would've chosen an RTC.  I think a hospital would be better, I wanted to treat an illness not behaviors. That is the fundamental problem I am having.  I am trying to understand how focusing on behaviors will treat her illness.  I have her in a program that focus's on 12 specific behaviors, of which I can only identify 2, her Dad could identify 3, a close family friend could identify 2 as well.   I pray to god I am very very very wrong.  The only behavior that needed to change was the reporting of SI and the cutting.  ( I don't know how to seperate the comments like you do, sorry if the comments are confusing.  I was reading each area you commented on and replying.)  I remind myself daily I am not a mental health professional, they know more than me, I have to trust in them.  It'd help a lot if they would communicate more. I have a conference call with the clinical director tomorrow, I am hoping she has a treatment plan that she can discuss with me and give me some information from the pdoc, and that she can address the issue of name calling in the PPC meeting.  I hope she doesn't say well I don't know I wasn't there etc... and then go on to tell me how they typically handle those issues.  I am looking for specifics about d13 not program generalities.  Thank you for your wisdom, kind thoughtful words and gentle challenges you pose.  I respect and heed what you say a great deal.  Thank you.  

[Cici]

Cici

Thank you for the update. I have been thinking about you a great deal and can't imagine how difficult it must be for you all. My dd is in ER with suicide attempt and I am unsure where to take her. I don't know if you remembered we talked a few weeks back.  I will say a prayer for you I hope things work out. Seems like one situation is no better than the other. Try to rest and I hope your dd is getting the help she needs. 

In all my discomfort, one thing I want to make very clear, I do think that FRR is a quality program.  I really really do.  I think those that run it are kind, compassionate and dedicated professionals.  I am just not certain I believe this is the right program for my d13 and her problems.  So please please keep that in mind as you are navigating this decision for yourself and your family.    

[lbjnltx]

I understand what you are saying about addressing the illness not the behavior.

Self injury, parasuicidal gestures, and suicidal attempts/ideation are manifestations of her thoughts and feelings.  These are the outward expression of her inner pain.  They are behaviors... .  maladaptive coping skills in regards to the self injury.

All behaviors are driven by thoughts and feelings.  Addressing the behaviors (regular staff and peers) holds them accountable for their actions, attitude, belief systems and thinking errors.  In therapy she learns how to change the attitude, belief systems and thinking errors and replace those with healthier options and higher level coping skills.  Without the accountability tool of PPC and staff there is no motivation for your d to recognize the need for higher level skills and healthier thought processes.

You are in a very difficult place in your life right now.  Having a child w/mental illness that self injures and or makes suicidal threats/gestures is hard enough.  Dealing with her illness and going through a divorce is a huge amount to bear.  FRR is a high quality program filled with people who care about your d13 and your family.  Can you rest a bit knowing she is safe?  Take some time to care about yourself?

[Cici]

Yes, I do take comfort that d13 is safe and in a place that is a quality, caring environment.  I am getting therapy myself to help deal with my own issues of control and get much needed support.  I want to make certain I am doing the best I can for my other 2 children at home as well. 

Thank you.

[lbjnltx]

How old are your other 2?  How are they dealing with the absence of their sister and their dad's move?

[Cici]

my youngest d11 misses d13 a great deal.  She was showing some seperation anxiety from me for awhile but she is in good spirits.   Now that I'm not always running off to a hospital and she knows who's picking her up from school etc... she is a lot more comfortable.  My s15 feels bad for his sister and just want the stbx to move out so we can all adjust to the new normal of two homes etc.  He is just wanting the divorce over.  sbtx and I are now trying out a parenting schedule so when it's his time I usually spend time at a friends house, when it's my time sbtx comes home later from work etc... .  trying to transition for all of us into a new lifestyle. 

Thank you for asking.

[lbjnltx]

Divorce is hard on children.  Especially children who have abandonment fears. 

Are your d11 and s15 attending family therapy with you at times? 

I had a difficult time with my d's initial diagnoses of BPD because I could not understand how she could perceive herself being abandoned.  I came to realize the words "real or imagined" left a great deal of room for exploring how she perceives the people and events in her life.  What we see as balanced and experienced adults as painful yet commonly occuring situations of life our highly sensitive/low self image children experience as abandonment. 

Sometimes we emotionally experience events the same way our children do.  Some parents feel that placing their child in RTC is giving up on them.  While it may feel that way the reality is in our intent.  It is with great hope that my d went into RTC. My committment to her and to do everything in my power to help her and work on myself at the same time left no room for the feeling that I was giving up on her.  As a matter of fact she often requested that I give up on her... .  my response... .  Never.  Realizing that she needed more than I was able to provide for her outpatient and also acknowledging that she was not nearly as bad off as other kids still running the streets.  I had to ask myself Why, Why not, Why now, and if so ... .  Where?  I had to let go of any false sense of control I had over her... .  I could not keep her safe from herself. 

I did the work to answer all the Why's and the Where... .  that was in my control.  I trusted myself and my God who helped me through the process and placed my then d13 at Falcon Ridge... .  because I trusted my decision I also trusted in the people there and the program... .  there were difficult times in the beginning.  My d's individual t and I took some time to get on the same page and for us to fully trust each other and help each other... .  it all worked out for everyone's benefit.  It was not about control, it was about trust, learning, and helping.

I hope and pray that something I wrote here helps you in your understanding of yourself, your daughter, and the program.



lbj

 

[Cici]

LBJ

Your words are coming at a very timely moment, I am having a conference call with the clinical director at 3:45 est.  I identify with everything you have said.  I am trying really really hard to embrace what you have said, I am printing it and posting it on my bathroom mirror.  As much as I question this decision your wisdom and experience brings me clarity and strength.  I'll try to update after the call today.

D11 and s15 are not attending family therapy, s15 really doesn't want to d11 and I may go.   I just started with my t so I need to explore my options with her regarding this.  sbtx doesn't seem to be on board with t.

[JKN77]

Hi CICI, I didn't read all of every post, just want you to know that I too went through the RTC with my son, although he was using drugs, in trouble with the law, a lot of behavior problems and increase violence. So, my son belonged there (not to say your daughter doesn't), but even knowing this it was reall hard on me. Your questioning it is normal. I questioned it for weeks, if not months. It did help my son, even thought we didn't know he had BPD at the time. He is better but not well.

I am not familiar with the one you put your daughter in. The one my son was in was really for kids with more than normal behavior problems.

Some of the things I found out later. During the first three to four months, he was not allowed to talk to virtually anyone.

They only gave them my letters on Sunday no matter how many I sent via email throughout the week.

He could only write to me on Sundays

It was a point system so the better they behavied the faster they moved through the program. If she doesn't have behavior problems? I gues she will move fast - if it is set up the same way the one my son was at... .  

As they earn the points they move up in levels, each level brings privilages like getting condiments with you food, getting to have second helpings, getting to talk to the upper level students, getting to go on outings, etc

Because my son has BPD, he has nothing nice to say about the place and thinks his life would have been just fine without it.

I was so upset when I first put him in there that the facility gave me numbers to some of the other parents so I could talk with them, it did help.

I sure hope this works for her. I can't imagine going through this and a divorse at the same time. I am soo sorry.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

CICI

Please keep us posted... .  I am thinking of you and your dd... .  lbj always has the right words and advise... .  

[lbjnltx]

I have traveled this path ahead of you all and remember the thoughts, feelings, mistakes and most importantly what worked.

[vivekananda]

Hi CICI,

Just to let you know I am thinking of you and your family. You have got some wise advice here.

Please take care of yourself,

Vivek  

[Cici]

I will post tomorrow about my phone call, it was positive and the clinical director advised me she would consider greater communication between d13 and myself. 

Thank you all for the love and support.

lbj-you rock, just sayin'

[lbjnltx]

Hi CICI,

Glad the call was positive and look forward to the update.

lbj

[jellibeans]

CICI

That is good news... .  waiting to hear about the call... .  hope you are well... .  

[Cici]

I spoke with the clinical director at Falcon Ridge, had a very honest communication with her, she updated me on d13's diagnosis, their pdoc and she don't diagnose d13 with BPD but with MDD with pyschotic features that are in remission-this one is new, GAD and parental child relationship issues, that one always kills me.  It's me she feels most triggered by, she states in all her med records that I yell at her.  I know I don't but I realize that is her perception anytime I say anything that is not in her favor she says I'm yelling.  sbtx is running to the bank with this and blaming me and basically stating I'm a bad parent and d13 and I don't get along and she should live with him.  Who knows, it may be better for her to live with him and I would be open to that, but it's not because I'm a bad parent.  I am looking forward to working with her in therapy on our relationship and learning how I can change to be better for her.   I hate that my words have hurt her and I know they have. I see my t today, I am looking forward to it.  I wish stbx didn't hate me so much right now.  The clinical director confused me a bit more with the PPC telling me that the girls are checked on items that are related to the structure of the program like "line structure has been called" "silence has been called med cabinet is open" and not behaviors.  Ok, this is exactly the opposite of what I thought PPC was, I am reading the book and it talks about the 12 behaviors that PPC is built around. Go figure.  Clinical Director asked me to explain my concerns and fears and I did stating I felt PPC can be verbally abusive, a green light to pick on someone you don't like all within the confines of the program.  But that I was trying to understand it, educate myself about it and that I would never do anything to work against d13 treatment.  Clinical Director agreed to consider allowing social calls as I didn't expect to have them restricted and that makes me uncomfortable.   I appreciated that.  We start family therapy calls on Wed.

:'(  God give me strength to accept this when I am not believing this is the right path... .  help me to see that this is the right path.  Am I just being stubborn?

[lbjnltx]

Hello CICI

I hope that the communication exchanges in individual t will help you and your d rebuild your relationship as well as give you a better sense of how your d is doing.

I can't say that I quite understand the references by the director regarding PPC.  I have sat through and even conducted PPC group and that information doesn't compute... .  unless she is refering to staff checks outside of group. 

When my d was first at Falcon her individual t did not see how my d was BPD either... .  with time, information and understanding she finally did and that is when we were able to make great strides in her treatment.  I am not telling you that the rtc is wrong, I just don't know that they are correct quite yet.  The pdoc only sees these girls for short periods of time once in a while (monthly if I recall).  I don't know who the pdoc is that is visiting there now.  I had no faith at all in the one that was there when my d was at Falcon and made no qualms about letting them know that.  I would not allow med changes per his recommendation until I did my own research and spoke w/her individual t.  At times the changes were not implemented because I would not give my permission.

Regarding stubborness... .  could it be possible that your anger towards your soon to be ex is interferring w/your thoughts/feelings about your d and her treatment?

How will your family participate in your d's treatment considering the divorce?  Will he participate in phone therapy with you?  How will family weekends be handled?  Have you given any thought to these things?

[JKN77]

Hi CICI,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand that constant nagging (actually sick feeling) wondering if you did the right thing by sending her there. I lived with it for a long time. It did end up being a good thing for my son in the long run, he finally understands the principal of actions and consequences. Now we are moving on to work with phycologists to help him learn tools (hope it helps). I also understand being the target for all her greivences, I am that too.

All we can do is make a decision and then go with it. We will probably never know if there could have been another one or not.

If you decided to let your daughter live with her husband, I would just let her know that the door is always open if it doesn't work out. Under your circumstances, I would probably let mine live with their dad.

My heart goes out to you... .