Can anyone help me to start and continue NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I really could use some advice, after the strangest conversation with my BPD ex the other day (more info on my other thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196308.0 ) where he manipulated and controlled my thoughts and feelings during the conversation (for me only to realise after the hour long BS chit chat ended) I now know I must cut him out completley its the only way.

He has gone silent on me again (I think this is due to me saying I agree he should find someone else, not sure though) so this is my opportunity to run.

For me its easier in the respect he wont call me, but not easier in that I know its me that has to let go and never pick up that phone again.

Please can anyone tell me where I find the strength and what do I do in moments of weakness?  I consider myself so emotionally strong usually but this is so hard.

[Ruthy2]

I really could use some advice, after the strangest conversation with my BPD ex the other day (more info on my other thread https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196308.0 ) where he manipulated and controlled my thoughts and feelings during the conversation (for me only to realise after the hour long BS chit chat ended) I now know I must cut him out completley its the only way.

He has gone silent on me again (I think this is due to me saying I agree he should find someone else, not sure though) so this is my opportunity to run.

For me its easier in the respect he wont call me, but not easier in that I know its me that has to let go and never pick up that phone again.

Please can anyone tell me where I find the strength and what do I do in moments of weakness?  I consider myself so emotionally strong usually but this is so hard.

[Leaf]

Hi Ruthy2,

It's so difficult, but it will get easier over time, and when you come out at the other end you're stronger than you ever were before. I broke up with my BPD (w/NPD traits)bf two months ago. He has several replacements by now, but he's still sending me one sentence mails once or twice a week to keep me hanging on. Lately along the lines of "You're right about everything. I'm going to work on myself as well. Let me know when you're done working on yourself and then tell me what I can do to make you happy." I know he doesn't want to make me happy, he wants me back on his own terms. He's just trying to keep his options open.

I picture him like a puppet master who is very busy with his other puppets and then notices the Leaf puppet on the floor near the door. Oops, time to pick her up and pull her strings. Type type type type type type. Send. Then he's back to writing cute emails to his other puppets and browsing match.com for new additions to his collection.

I can only tell you what I do to stay strong besides visiting this website:

- Exercise: going to the gym, dance classes, running, taking walks.

- Clean, fix up and redecorate my home (and garden if you have one) make it your sanctuary.

- Bake things, do something new so you have to put your mind to it, making dough for cookies, cakes and bread with your own hands works wonders, your home smells like a perfect home, and you have comfort food.

- Eat healthy, e.g. salads with lots of ingredients, use new recipes so I have to concentrate and I can't think of other things.

- Visit people I have neglected during the relationship like my family.

- Look around for new things to do, workshops, lectures etc.

- Reading about BPD (w/NPD traits)/abusive relationships/trauma bonding to understand why you feel this bad.

- Reading self help books like 'Feeling good', 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' and more, just from reading them you start thinking differently.

- By the way, be gentle with yourself, you don't have to do anything, just do what feels best.

- What also helped me detach was to write down the pro's and cons of the relationship in a list. Then there's is less reason to go over the good and the bad in your head all the time. You just look at the list. Make four lists like this:

WITH BF   WITHOUT BF

Pro       Pro

... .        ... .  

Contra   Contra

... .        ... .  

[Ruthy2]

Thank you so much for your reply 

I really wish my ex bp would find my replacement but he is not typical in that way, but hopefully this time will be different and he will meet someone else,Ive told him he should and hopefully that will also help me to move on.

I will definately do a list to help me to stop going over things in my head, that's a great idea.

Ive been shopping today for some nice food and Ive cleaned the house, Im going to try and start taking care of myself again instead of sliding into a depressed state, Ive been down this road before and I dont want to feel like I did last time, but the difference is I know about BPD now so I know things will never get better or be different (that is what I held onto the last time).

Thank you x

[sad but wiser]

Hi Ruthy2.  Yes, many people on these boards are able and willing to help with NC.  Many of us have had to go through it.  I think the problem we have is that the pattern is so ingrained to accept blame, just waiting patiently for the point in the conversation where our side is told - but that point never comes.  You get to pick, if you disagree, they work into a rage.  If you wait and hear them out, you tacitly agreed, right?  So there you are.  Believe me, NC is heaven.  The only problem is that you forget (as a good, healthy mind tries to do) the trauma as you heal.  Now you are remembering that person as a reasonable person, so you might break NC and you are back again at square 1.

[Ruthy2]

Thank you sad but wiser, that is what worries me also. As you start to heal and the anger from being ignored subsides, you start to forget the cruel things that were said and it is so tempting to just send that message saying how's things and there it starts all over again. x

[turtle]

Ruthy2 --

No Contact is for YOU... .  it's not a punishment for HIM... .  it's the gateway to a different life, a better life for YOU.

Choose a better life, Ruthy2.  Do it every day, all day... .  ALL the time!

Sad but wiser is right ---- No Contact IS heaven --- and it's the most positive choice YOU can make for YOU!

turtle

[sad but wiser]

Ruthy2, think about it this way.  You can try NC, one day at a time.  Just walk through it for about 3 days and see.  I think you will come to understand that you need to detoxify for a while before you can see clearly enough to deal with your BPD other.  For me, his self-absorbed behavior while I was NC made what had been going on clear to me.  Perhaps it will work that way for you, as well.  Just stop paying full emotional price for someone who is damaged in the relationship department and was that way before you ever met.  (Read, "The Summer of My German Soldier"

[Ruthy2]

Thank you so much for the advice and I will look for that book now, anything that may help is worth a look. :)x

[LuckyEscapee]

This is a great thread 

Leaf; awesome post, I got so much out of that and it's all true 

Looking after me was the start to getting myself back.

I just did my without BF pro/con list and I was struggling with the cons which were all superficial little things. My pro list contained all sorts of important things inc. Happy, Sleeping well, Calmness, Relaxed, Freedom, Clarity of Mind, Having a voice and so on and so on.

I have been out of whack from some shift work, but your post is spurring me to some weekend action. Thanks everyone 

[waitaminute]

Think of your dream-come-true relationship in the future. Or your self-actualized life being who you really want to be. Now think of him with twisted rope around your heart and soul. It hurts when you pull in it. But rope is starting to break. If you break nc, it's like mending that rope. 

Let it hurt. Let it break .

Then live  again.

[Hellothere]

NC is so hard but it really is the best way. My BPD ex has done everything she can to contact me after we finalised all (well most) housing, financial issues etc.

She has even tried to use her 4yo son as a weapon to make me feel guilty but these mind games only work if you allow them to. I know it's hard to do but we have to pull ourselves out of the toxic ces pits of a relationship and we have to be resolute if we are to succeed in healing.

Never allow the nagging self doubt get to you, stay strong and remember there are a lot of people going through this all round the world, there is alot of positivity and help in the world (including us guys on here) to fall back when feeling weak.

NC isn't a choice it's a solution.

[karhues]

Hi Ruthy2

I feel your pain - Some days I am fine others I am a mess.  I do feel better when I have no contact.  When I hear from him it takes me days to feel as I did before.  I know he is toxic - I've been with him over 25 years off and on.  I miss him with my whole being but I know he is very ill and is not capable of being a loving and faithful person.  I have helped him in every way a person can but it is never enough - he needs the constant supply of women telling him how wonderful he is even though I have shared how much this hurts me - he agrees but continues behind my back or even worse tells me he can't control what these women text him and who wouldn't love the attention - yes I know I am far better off without him.  My heeling will take time as it did after our divorce.  I go to therapy weekly - never needed that until our divorce 5 years ago.  I exercise daily, walk in the woods with my dog, I am taking several college classes to further my career.  I am doing all I can yet quite often I feel sad and broken - lost - like I'll never ever find another love. 

Stay strong and take care of you - we have taken care of them without a thought of ourselves - but when we were down where were they - I know mine was wining and dining yet another replacement.

[Ruthy2]

Thank you so much everyone 

I watched the film (The summer of my german solider), Im going to make my list's, keep on reading as much as I can about BPD and try and fill my time with other things to keep me busy.

This one day at a time thought path instead of thinking forever, is really helping me focus too.x

[Ruthy2]

Ok so I am on day 4 NC and although Im pleased Ive reached this, I felt an overwhelming sick feeling earlier knowing this is the longest Ive gone without speaking to him   it really hurt knowing he can forget me so easily, but I managed to fight the desire to make any contact.

However Ive just recieved a message from him and my heart dropped, it was only to ask for my details regarding something he needs to send me (previously he said he had already sent it) but I know he has these details and if he really has lost them he can obtain them easily through another source. 

What do I do?

[Vegasskydiver]

Ok so I am on day 4 NC and although Im pleased Ive reached this, I felt an overwhelming sick feeling earlier knowing this is the longest Ive gone without speaking to him   it really hurt knowing he can forget me so easily, but I managed to fight the desire to make any contact.

However Ive just recieved a message from him and my heart dropped, it was only to ask for my details regarding something he needs to send me (previously he said he had already sent it) but I know he has these details and if he really has lost them he can obtain them easily through another source. 

What do I do?

Please do not respond!  You will set youself back if you do and the pain will be prolonged.  This is not about him anymore, but about you.  If you respond you are giving him power.  Unless you want to go back to what you had before , you have to be strict NC.  I know it hurts.  I am going on six weeks andit hurts like hell.  I miss the good times and I feel like I am going to burst BUT I can never go back to the games, minipulation, raging, devaluization, etc.  Now it is about making myself healthy.   

[Ruthy2]

Thank you Vegasskydiver, you are right my head completley agrees and I will make it over power my heart, but I know it will be really hard.   :'(

My only concern is what if I dont recieve my valuables because he can use the excuse that I didnt reply if I chase them up in the future when Im stonger.

Would it be worth just sending the details and nothing else? or do you think this is just an excuse to hook me back in?

[Leaf]

Hi Ruthy2, I agree with Vegassdiver. And this is a good mail to practice not responding on, because you know he doesn't really need the information from you. You need much more than 4 days NC to get your head together and to get out from under his spell.

But I know how hard it is not to respond. I broke up with my BPD (w/NPD traits)bf 2,5 months ago. We're very LC now, after an initial period of NC. He keeps trying to regain control over me. I haven't responded for a week and now he's stepping up his offensive. This morning he sent me a text that made me cry. O some distant part of me still wants to believe! But I know it isn't true, so I waited a while and read posts on this website to get my head together and then texted him that I didn't believe in it anymore.

While writing this I got a long text back, I'll summarize:

- You're the love of my life because... .  (He put something very potent into this mix, something's he's never used before, if he had used that sooner and not after 2,5 months I might have fallen for it.)

- It's been 10 weeks now and I'm worth a second chance. (He's had plenty of second chances already.)

- And I think you're lying about why you don't give me one. (That used to be a good one, but even my 'you're lying' button doesn't work anymore.)

So I think I'll keep you company and go back to NC. Just to be on the safe side. I don't want him to get into my head again.

Just want to say to you Ruthy2 stay strong. One day at a time. For you, you need it.  

[Leaf]

My only concern is what if I dont recieve my valuables because he can use the excuse that I didnt reply

You know he has the information and if you send the information he can always think of another excuse not to give it back. I don't think he'll throw it away, because keeping it gives him control over you. But maybe he wants to hold onto it for a while for that reason. So I would say stay NC and give yourself time to get your head together. If you need this stuff quickly maybe you can arrange for a mutual friend to pick it up, but I guess that would be difficult to do without breaking NC.

[Ruthy2]

My only concern is what if I dont recieve my valuables because he can use the excuse that I didnt reply

You know he has the information and if you send the information he can always think of another excuse not to give it back. I don't think he'll throw it away, because keeping it gives him control over you. But maybe he wants to hold onto it for a while for that reason. So I would say stay NC and give yourself time to get your head together. If you need this stuff quickly maybe you can arrange for a mutual friend to pick it up, but I guess that would be difficult to do without breaking NC.

Thank you Leaf, its good to know I have company on my new NC road.   

Part of the what is to be returned is cash (this is the most important), he has sent money to me via bank transfer several times before, so the bank will have this information, right?

[Leaf]

Yes, I'd say that's something he can find out if he wants to. It's difficult when there is stuff like that to sort out. The last and final time I broke up with my ex I could make a pretty clean break, I took my keys from his bag and that was it. I had already returned most of his stuff and collected my own stuff from his place when I broke up with him a couple of months before.

[Ruthy2]

Yes, I'd say that's something he can find out if he wants to. It's difficult when there is stuff like that to sort out. The last and final time I broke up with my ex I could make a pretty clean break, I took my keys from his bag and that was it. I had already returned most of his stuff and collected my own stuff from his place when I broke up with him a couple of months before.

Oh if only it was like that for me (there is always something im held to), I really dont want to walk away from the money but I can wait a week or so, then if still not recieved I could maybe send details then 

[hithere]

I really wish my ex bp would find my replacement

I kept dating my BPD ex after I moved out and it was not until she had a replacement that I was able to stick to NC longer than a few weeks.  I has now been about 6 or 7 months NC and it is good.

My only concern is what if I dont recieve my valuables because he can use the excuse that I didnt reply if I chase them up in the future when Im stonger.

my ex tried using this a few times, she would contact me about pictures, etc I left behind.  The first couple of times I asked her to leave them outside the door in a bag but she never did, just kept contacting me trying ot make plans.  I just gave up... .  

Take it one day at a time and if you break NC you can always start up again the next day.  Good luck.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Leaf and Ruthy2, Keep it up!

Ruthy2, if you really need to contact him for some reason, I suggest snail mail. Send a certified letter.  A business letter.

By the way, I also wrote about 30 different letters to him that I never sent.  He wouldn't have read them properly anyway.  It just felt good to get all the things I wanted to say down on paper.

[Leaf]

I really dont want to walk away from the money but I can wait a week or so, then if still not recieved I could maybe send details then  

Take it one day at a time and if you break NC you can always start up again the next day.  Good luck.

If you're going to be worried about it too much, maybe you could send details and resume no contact, you can always start again the next day like hithere says. But there's a chance that if you take this bait he'll send follow up mails about your other stuff and what then. Waiting a week seems a good idea!

[Leaf]

Dear Leaf and Ruthy2, Keep it up!

Thanks sad but wiser. 

[Ruthy2]

Thank you everyone for the advice, and big thanks to all those that reply every time I post you have been so supportive! 

I decided to just send the details, saying nothing else at all. I decided it was best so there could be no excuse to delay sending what is mine and prolonging things further.

I've had no reply, so hopefully that will be the end of it.