Standing by my values (at last)

[TigerEye]

I'm going to post this on the staying board because I feel this is my last-ditch attempt at improving our situation. I am at the point where I know that if my SO is not able to step up, then I am having to move on - for both our sakes.

I am looking hard at what I feel I can honestly expect from my SO(?) in this r/s considering where we are at the moment. My SO had a major episode last July whilst in residential rehab and left that whole experience with a likely diagnosis (according to her T) of PTSD to go with the existing BPD and the reduced but continued alcohol/drug abuse. We have both been struggling with the fallout from that ever since.

From being on this site I have been able to gain an insight into so many of the behaviors associated with this complex disorder, finally making some sense of the unforeseen and inexplicable things that were happening in our r/s, it has helped me accept many things and I know I can't fix. It has made me face up to my role in the r/s as my ignorance of the disorder has not helped one bit and putting the lessons to work effectively has been a hard thing to achieve when she has been in such a dark place and I was having to practice. I have recognized my own issues and have start to attend to them - make me better first. This has been a concept that has taken time for me to get my head around. I started off thinking it meant getting better sleep, eating well, but slowly it dawned on me that I was actually dealing with issues that went a lot deeper than the everyday practical things  . Many years ago, I suffered with panic attacks, lived with fight or flight in everyday situations, flight winning out mostly. It took a long period of self healing (no T was ever offered) together with some medication to get past this and although now I am well past those attacks I have had to recognize that I still suffer anxiety, and in particular social anxiety, and poor self esteem without me truly realizing how much it affects me on a daily basis. Getting T here without going private has been a sporadic and drawn out process, but I am finally beginning to get the help I feel I need to deal with these issues and improve my life for me, even though it is probably far too late to save our r/s right now.

My boundaries have been proved to be very weak and I have recently had to put a lot of thought into where they lie in this r/s, question what I feel to be acceptable/unacceptable behaviors in a r/s, and the consequences of those boundaries being crossed. I value trust, honesty and fidelity in a r/s but I have allowed myself to be lied to, deceived, and emotionally and physically cheated on, so why was I staying in this r/s?

Elemental's recent post on "I don't think he has a conscience" really resonated with me, the twisted logic of the pwBPD in believing that because they don't intend to cause you hurt, you shouldn't be hurt, even though they know what they are doing does hurt. Grey Kitty's analogy of the rock was spot on. For those who may have missed this post, here's the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196300.0, even though the circumstances are slightly different, my situation is much the same, that *other* (one of a few over our time together) person who is lurking around in our relationship, but there is also her continued bed sharing, something she has done when I'm not around and with people that I feel are highly inappropriate. She tries hard to keep it from me to "protect" me, but always finds a way to drop herself in it, it's almost comical to hear what a lousy liar and deceiver she is, you would think with that much practice she would be better at it!

I have been following Elemental's post ever since it started, reading it over and over, seeing the advice that the posters were giving and realized that I could take some of that advice myself, and now I feel I have.

We had a massive row last week, I'm not proud of myself because all my resentment and anger at the situation came out, my trust has been broken and I was hurting. She was hammering my buttons and I lost my cool and shouted aggressively at her before she told me to F*** off out of her house, fair play, I deserved that. I left quietly and over the next few days the was an exchange of meaningless texts. Four days in she came to my house to talk, she had been drinking, was very agitated and demanding, but I was more prepared and was able to be firm but calm. I was able to use DEARMAN to a degree, explained the situation and how it made me feel, said that I wasn't asking her to do anything, she could do what she wanted but that she would have to face up to the fact that it could have to happen without me. I explained what I valued in a r/s and said that I felt that if those values weren't shared, then the r/s would be unhealthy and that should be recognized and accepted and it would be best to part and move on with our lives, but gave her the option that if she wanted to discuss this more I would be there to listen. Her reaction was "F*** this" and she left.

More meaningless texts followed until today when I arranged by text that I would collect the rest of my stuff, part of her reply was "and to be honest, I don't know what's going on", as in *between us*. I went to her house, packed my stuff in to my car and we talked some more. I told her "I know you would never do anything to intentionally hurt me; it’s not in you to do that sort of thing, but you have hurt me. I felt that you and I shared the same values when it comes to a relationship, trust, honesty and fidelity. I feel that while the relationships you had with X, Y, even Z, and the bed sharing are a possibility in our relationship, I do not want to be a part of it as I cannot be in that type of relationship as those things do not fit with the values I hold", I did also say that I didn't trust her any more, told her that I felt we should take time and space to heal. She tried to off load a lot of guilt and blame on to me and there were tears... .  that was hard to see... .  she hasn't cried in a long time.

So that's trust, honesty and fidelity, I realize it's time to let go. If she wants this to work as she says she does, then it's time to let her actions speak. It's a massive ask for someone in her situation, I'm being a realist now, I honestly think she won't be able to do this at the moment, but I'm not going to be her doormat anymore, those days are gone. There are consequences to our actions and we both have to live with that.

Did I validate enough? probably nowhere near, did I use the communication tools? as best I can just now, so even though my execution is open to question/comment/guilt, I think I'm in the right place now and I feel strong enough to follow this through - tomorrow's another drama day and maybe another board!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

TigerEye, good for you for speaking YOUR truth   We have to live with ourselves.

The tools learned on this site are amazing, they're not a cure all though as no matter what we say or how we say it, we cannot control another person, only ourselves. 

I wish the very best for you

[TigerEye]

Thank you 123Phoebe, I do feel it's my truth, I have been lying to myself for too long, I'm not okay with these things happening in our r/s. She has always been quick to criticize others for doing exactly what she does, in the post on Double Standards I mention that she was described by a peer as "a walking contradiction", do as I say not as I do, to me that's just plain unfair. 

I am in control of me and I choose not to be part of this r/s whilst this continues.

[waverider]

The tools enabled you to come to a place of clarity so that you could be objective about what is right for you without getting distracted by symptomatic issues. You have made your stance and erected healthy boundaries, and you know clearly why and the consequences involved. This will better prepare you for potential recycling attempts.

[TigerEye]

Oh, yes, the texts have been coming thick and fast already, but I feel the biggest thing that has changed in me is the amount of guilt I feel, despite the load she's been trying to put on me.

She tells me her two eldest don't want to talk to me (her D20 always said she didn't know how I put up with her mum). Her D12 has been giving her loads of grieve over our split, she's the one I worry about, she has always found mummy's drinking difficult and hates that she has people stay over when I'm not around. She is getting support through her school, I just hope it's enough. If this is the end I will miss them, they're good kids.

It actually feels good to have put this boundary in place, it's the closest I've felt to being me in a long time.

[yeeter]

It actually feels good to have put this boundary in place, it's the closest I've felt to being me in a long time.

Huge statement TigerEye.   

Dont forget to keep taking care of yourself... .     

[lilyz3235]

TigerEye. You are inspiring! It is within all of us to stand up for our values and you took that step. I hope someday I will be strong enough to do the same.

[TigerEye]

TigerEye. You are inspiring! It is within all of us to stand up for our values and you took that step. I hope someday I will be strong enough to do the same.

It is within us all, but it is not an easy thing to do. It has forced me to look at myself and realize that if I were an emotionally healthy person I would not have allowed this to go on as long as it has. I have my own issues to conquer, they are mine, and I have to take responsibility for them. That is where my focus has to be now. If my SO wants to be with me as I take that journey, then she has to take responsibility for her issues, but I know from everything I have learned here and from other sources that her journey is going to be a whole lot harder than mine, and I'm not sure she is up to it yet, as much as she may want it.

So look deep inside yourself, find what it is that is stopping you saying NO. Don't look to your SO, they don't have control over themselves and shouldn't be allowed to have control over you, you take control of you, that's where the strength comes from.

[briefcase]

I do think there comes a time for some frank talk in these relationships, where we lay it all out in plain language, using the tools as best we can.  It's not so much for the pwBPD, its for us.  Some things just have to be said for our own peace of mind.  It sounds like you had one of those moments.  And when we lay the fear and anxiety aside for a bit and just say what we feel without undue fear of the consequences . . . it does feel like we get a piece of ourselves back.  

I wish you luck and happieness, wherever your journey may take you.  

[TigerEye]

Thank you briefcase, that was exactly it.

It was for me. I finally have accepted that this is important enough for me to let the r/s go if needs be. But it is aimed at improving my r/s and that's why I've posted it on this board. I'm not saying that's it for good, I'm saying I'll do my bit but you have to do yours, but I will take responsibility for the outcome if you choose not to because it's my boundary, my values.

I would so love this to be the start of the next part of our journey, but I have my expectations in check and it's time for honesty, at least with myself.

[waverider]

This not as harsh as it sounds,. You are offering her a potential turning moment. A crisis she has to have. She could pick up the ball and run with it, and I am sure would get your respect by doing so. Or she may drop it. But without this moment the rot continues and both of you deteriorate.

It is hard to do and stick to, but you dont have a disorder, so it is up to you to have the backbone to do this and stick to it. She would not be capable without being placed in this predicament

Keep clarity of mind and keep grounded without being reactive if the fur starts to fly

[TigerEye]

Thank you for the wise words waverider, that is a fair assessment of where we are at, the rot had definitely started to set in and I came to realize it was up to me to try and put a stop to it.

Is it hard? yes it is, I've been through a whole lot of emotions over the last week and a bit. Can I stick to it? yes the determination is there now. Do I have the backbone? I believe I do, either outcome can improve my situation from where it is right now.

I wanted to post this last message tonight because it brings my count up to 50, a small milestone compared to others, but for me it represents the milestone I've reached in our relationship and shows how far I've come and which direction I am moving in. So you wonder, beautiful woman, are you coming down Better Street with me, or are you going down Same Old, Same Old Road again?

[waverider]

I wanted to post this last message tonight because it brings my count up to 50,

It also allows you to post on Personal Inventory Board if you wish, which is a good low key board just keep updates on your progress, like a journal if you like

[elemental]

Tigereye, my thread has been closed, and I am not sure it's worth opening another one right now, so will respond to you here.

Yes, I am stronger. I feel I reached my limits.

My mother, a wonderful and wise lady, has always said "when you have had enough, you will know it."

I had enough. I have very little anger. I am calm. Is this the point you are at?

I still want what I always wanted. My guy and I talked, and he expressed a lot of understanding and showed empathy. I thought we had a breakthrough last night. I was so relieved.

I woke up this morning and he was doing the same old things... And I had a massive panic attack. When I calmed down, I told him, ok, I can't stay in a relationship where my partner deliberately takes actions he knows are hurtful to me and knows they are harming our relationship.

So I calmly told him that I will not be trying to work with him at this point.

Like you.   I am sorry if you are hurting. Probably after some time to calm herself and think on it, your girl will start trying to make some progress in the direction you need.

[TigerEye]

Hey Elemental, thank you for coming to my thread and posting your reply, everyone's support is truly appreciated

I had enough. I have very little anger. I am calm. Is this the point you are at? I still want what I always wanted.

That's exactly where I'm at. It surprised me how calm I was and how little anger and resentment I feel/felt. I feel that as briefcase pointed out, it was finally about me and what I valued, my limit had been reached. There is still great sadness because I felt that we could make it through all the rubbish stuff together, but this issue is too big for me to just keep taking it without any give.

Words alone are not enough anymore, they need to be backed up with action and only she can do that. I will do my bit to better me whether I do it along side her or on my own, she has given me the gift of insight in to me and for that I will always be thankful. I hold no grudge against her, there is no hate, there is still a deep love and respect for the good person inside her, but if I stay in the r/s as it is, that might go and I don't want to put either of us through that. I picked this up in laelle's thread "I know I am a caretaker, this is why that boundary means so much to me.  It keeps me from becoming bitter by giving too much.", it's all about improving the r/s and with out that improvement I now accept that I have to let it go. I'm in no rush, she can take her time if that's what she needs, what she does with that time is no concern of mine just now as long as everyone is safe, but if she truly wants this r/s... .  

There are many of us here going through the same thing and I wish everyone well in their own personal journeys and may you all find the strength and vision to make those difficult choices for you and your situation, thank you all for the support given so far, it has made a huge difference to me, love and respect to you all