How do I face my fears and get out of my rut.

[Mischeevious]

I have been married to my uBPDh for 14 years, in all that time I have only been out in the evening alone to socialise twice and that was with college students. After we met I lost all my friends and colleagues real quick, I became a recluse because I was drowning in a sea of his insecurities, jealousy, lack of social interaction ( he has never had one friend ), inquisitions and accusations I suppose I gave up on myself, lost my self- esteem and found it easier to give in.

Now I have my self-esteem back and a few friends I would like to start going out socially. I do have a fear because I am like a duck out of water now and hardly the fun party person I was before we met. The trouble is I am too scared to ask him, silly I know because he kicks off sometimes over nothing anyway and when I had to go out for group study for college he was sometimes supportive then unreasonably ridiculous and sabotaging. I just want to be normal, he doesn't want to go out without me or is too scared to socialise but i feel like my life is over. How do I get past this fear and find the courage to realise I do deserve a life, some fun and stop making excuses to people because I am scared of him. I know all I am doing is giving him power over me and it doesn't make him any happier anyway!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

    Bravo!  Regaining your self esteem is a wonderful beginning.  Finding your way back out of the darkness that has become a part of your world may not come over night~~after all, you've been doing this for 14 years.  Take some baby steps and be kind to yourself.  You've been "down" but you're not out of the game!  Has he ever done anything threatening to stop you from going out or is it an emotional blackmail to keep you down?

Read the lessons~tools on communication would be helpful.  Start small... .  Go out for a short walk even if it's just by yourself.  Let him know that you are going to go out for a while but that you will be back and then go.  Perhaps you can go out for an hour and have lunch with a friend.  Try not to predict what he will do if you go out (this will only serve to ruin your happy while you're out by thinking about it).  

I believe that through posting here you will find strength and comfort.  The wisdom of these folks have given me hope and I think you'll find that as well.

[Mischeevious]

Thank you for your words of wisdom Rockylove, It became an avoidance on my part because of the way he reacted to me just doing normal things like taking the kids out, shopping or even not doing anything I became scared to do anything. It was emotional blackmail, he read my texts, he told me he had people watching me, he even took the computer away to be analysed as to what I'd been doing on it only to find I never switched the thing on but it didnt reassure him.

You are right I am trying to run before I can walk and I need to learn to deal with his sulks, he does tell me he will lock me out if I get back later than the time he expects me yet so far he hasn't ( this has only been on study nights ) I have been invited out for my friends birthday soon and I am going although I haven't plucked up the courage to tell him yet!

[Rockylove]

YAY!  Go and have a good time!  Try not to worry about what his reaction will be... .  just understand that he may be very uncomfortable with your new found spirit and try to undermine you, but stay strong and be true to you!  You can do it!   

[yeeter]

After so many years of a certain dynamic, its scary when you first start to break out of it.

But break out of it you must.  And very likely it will trigger him, which means you are going to have to prepare to deal with the fallout.

I like Rocky's suggestion to start small.  Not in asking permission, but in telling him up front "I am going for a walk and I will be gone 30 minutes and will be back at such and such a time"  (its important for him to know he is not being abandoned).  Even better if you can state you genuinely want him to join you ("you are welcome to come with me - I would love the company - but if you prefer not then I understand that as well"

A regular outing for a walk, can turn into "Im having a coffee with XXX tomorrow - you know her, she is so and so.  So I will leave at approx x time and return at y time.

Then from there, it can build into other outings.  After a few months he will learn that A) you are doing it with or without him and B) he has the option to join or not - his choice and C) you always do return and are not abandoning him.

He might worry about what you did or didnt do, what you talked about, etc.  I wouldnt go overboard in giving details, sets a bad precedence.

Basic social interaction with other human beings is a critical part of maintaining your emotional health.  So consider this one of the steps in 'taking care of yourself'   

[briefcase]

It's hard to do.  I self-censored myself for a long time because I worried about the reaction I would get.  It does get easier to do with practice.  Find the courage, and tell him.   

[Mischeevious]

Update!

Had strange turn around last night uBPDh came home from work and said " the footballs on tonight why don't you go to one of your friends for a while" still in shock I quickly called my sister ( he was fine with this) who was actually busy, so I said I'll call my friend, just about to call and he said "maybe you can just stay and do something here instead" but the phone was already ringing so I arranged to go at which point he shouted out "take... .  (D10) with you" I realised he had woken up to the reality that I was going so I just told him I'd take her and be back later. I was given the usual list of things that conveniently urgently needed doing before I went so I did them to keep the peace and get out real quick. He did find an excuse to call three times while I was there the last saying "it's OK I'm not watching it now you can come back" Purposly I stayed quite a while later and amazingly he was fine when I got back. I know he will twist around again at some point but it felt real good to stand my ground, next step tell him about the night out I am planning.

Feeling really positive although well aware I can't get too complacent just making the most of it while it  lasts

[yeeter]

Most importantly, how was the evening?  (am sure some much needed 'you' time!)

It will get easier, and although there may be some bumps just ride it out and next thing you know it will be habit. 

[Rockylove]

Feeling really positive although well aware I can't get too complacent just making the most of it while it  lasts

  indeed!  Make the most of it and keep us posted on the things you are doing to get back into the game of life.

[Mischeevious]

Thanks guys, I appreciate your interest and support it means so much to know there are people out there who understand, I spent so long suffering in shame and silence in all the confusion.

My evening with my friend was lovely just had coffee and chatted about everyday stuff, felt normal for a while there. I think I am going to speak to him (his mood depending of course) tonight about future outings and making a regular evening to get out. I am also going back to studying soon so I will be out regularly then, I expect some resistance but feel strong enough to handle it.

Something my friend who (knows the situation ) asked is how comes he allows me to walk the dog in the evening, sometimes for an hour or more when I usually take the time to chat to my friends on the phone so if he calls I am unavailable. It is funny, I have no answer I am just grateful for that time, he has made a few snide comments as to how long I've been or that I haven't answered him and I just tell him the truth and he seems to accept it ( we did joke maybe has the collar fitted with a camera to spy but I haven't checked )

Still feeling positive

[Rockylove]

Still feeling positive