Obsessive Texting

[redberry]

My friend with uBPD (waif i think) is constantly on his phone texting people--hundreds of texts a day.  I don't know who he's texting or what he has to say because in person he really doesn't talk, but I suspect it is to line up someone to cheat on his girlfriend with.  I just have a feeling.  I do hope that's not what is going on because his girlfriend is a childhood friend and doesn't deserve that.

Does anybody else have a BPD who texts constantly?  Any insight there?

Thanks!

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[jj2121]

All I know is my ex would do this,as well as texting me every 5 minutes during the day and getting upset when I said I was at work and had to go,she would be texting other people all the time. I am sure she was texting a lot of strange guy friends and would not tell me, as she did not have many real friends. Think they like the attention, but it was through text my ex would start acting weird and confusing me when I was not there.

[redberry]

That sounds about right JJ.  He would even get upset with me if I didn't respond to a text immediately.  And if it took longer 30 minutes or so for me to respond, I could tell by his responses that his whole mood had changed and that he was annoyed with me for "ignoring" him.  Many times I felt like I got more emotion from his text messages than I ever got in person.  As far as important discussions go, it's kind of a cowardly way of communicating if you ask me.

[Mightyhammers]

Most of the arguments we had were by text, including the last one which was over a week ago – we haven’t spoken since – it was so frustrating. Im sure she would always try and bait me into it, and most of the time like and idiot I fell for it, the main reason she said she doesn’t want us to continue is that we argue too much! CANNOT win

I remember once she was texting me after work one day and she said she cut her hand and her mum said it was so bad she might need stitches, it took a minute ( Im not kidding ) for me not to respond and she started with the ‘you don’t care’ abuse. I remember seeing her a few days later and looking at her hand, there was nothing there! I thought nothing about it at the time, but in retrospect it was just attention seeking ( and being untruthful, obviously )

[jj2121]

I know exactly what you mean. I pulled my ex up about it saying you confuse me when you text me and she was like what you talking about. I have realised now it was like talking to a child. After she left me,she would also send text messages apparently for her friends to me. We were only together a few months but she would text constantly every single day, then I noticed a couple of nights she stopped replying when I text her and ignored my phone calls, then when I went over to her house she claimed it was a network problem with my phone or her's even though I could hear it ringing on my end. I should not have ignored this lie at the time.

[Auspicious]

BPD negatively affects relationships and communication.

I doubt that there's anything special or universal about BPD and texting ... .  but having trouble with emotional control, communication, patience, etc. in general would of course likely show up in use of texting too.

[Mightyhammers]

I pulled my ex up about it saying you confuse me when you text me and she was like what you talking about.

Absolutely – I always thought she was trying to trip me up in a lot of conversations, and she would NEVER let anything go

[jj2121]

BPD negatively affects relationships and communication.

I doubt that there's anything special or universal about BPD and texting ... .  but having trouble with emotional control, communication, patience, etc. in general would of course likely show up in use of texting too.

True, it just seemed like my ex did not tell me everything when I was with her in person, but all her emotional issues started to come out more through text, probably just an easier way to communicate.

[Mightyhammers]

BPD negatively affects relationships and communication.

I doubt that there's anything special or universal about BPD and texting ... .  but having trouble with emotional control, communication, patience, etc. in general would of course likely show up in use of texting too.

True, it just seemed like my ex did not tell me everything when I was with her in person, but all her emotional issues started to come out more through text, probably just an easier way to communicate.

this is what I found also, she found it very hard to say certain things in person

[Auspicious]

True, it just seemed like my ex did not tell me everything when I was with her in person, but all her emotional issues started to come out more through text, probably just an easier way to communicate.

Could be. If there was a lot of anxiety present, texting can feel "safer".

[jj2121]

True, it just seemed like my ex did not tell me everything when I was with her in person, but all her emotional issues started to come out more through text, probably just an easier way to communicate.

Could be. If there was a lot of anxiety present, texting can feel "safer".

I remember her texting me a couple of times about being ill. Also saying she was just going to bed to cry and she was not right,needed help,that she could not cope and she was weird. She would then say just leave it the next day if I asked about it. I was only with her few months,but she always seemed happy when I was with her in person. Everything came out when she broke up with me and looking back she did say some strange stuff when I was with her.

[cal644]

My stbexw - started texting this guy 4,000 times a month.  She sees no problem with it and this is the reason for our divorce.  The funny part that is so shocking to me is that she is also the WAIF type - can't stand being around people, and takes a long long time to open up to people ... .  I think all the texting is fine in her mind because there is no personal contact - no one on one relationship.  For her its like watching TV where she can turn it on or off when she wants and this new "white Knight" is everything she could dream of - because its a fantasy.  But once she started this texting relationship is when I went black.  I told her what type of guy are you getting involved with / what type of guy asks a married woman for her number and then texts 4,000 times a month?  They only met once at a wedding - but in her mind he is perfect, even though I found out he beat his exw, is a horrible drunk, and womanizer - I guess this is part of me having to let go and let her face her own consequences.

[crashintome]

My ex constantly texted me - from the minute she woke up to the second she fell asleep.  If I didn't respond within a minute or two, there was all hell to pay.

I think, when we don't respond promptly enough, it stirs that abandonment fear in them.

[redberry]

I think you guys are right.  I believe it does a few things for them, particularly for a waif... .    It's a safer form of communication where they can craft what they want to say, feel like they can be more bold without having to face the person they are texting, can have multiple exchanges going with multiple people with no crossover so it's easier to tell lies or bend the truth.  It does allow them to build individual fantasy worlds.  They can even begin or continue the process of cheating while they're sitting across from you.  The down side of it for them is that they get nervous or feel rejected when they don't get an immediate response.  Unnoticed by them, life is going on while they are engrossed in that phone.  Not everybody is as controlled by the phone as my friend is, at least.

[benny2]

Seems texting is the main topic these last few days. Mine is constantly getting text messages and rarely looks at them when I am there. Judging from my experience and others on here, I would say yes, he most likely is up to something.

[benny2]

Cal644, mine uBPDbf is the waif type also and you just described him to a T. Does'nt like to be around people and takes a long time to warm up to. Very interesting. I believe he also gets involved with texting relationships. He was VERY secretive about his phone while I was living there. Guarded it with his life and constantly texting. When I confronted him about it, and in a calm manner, all hell broke loose. I was painted black and moved into the spare room. The thing that disturbs me though is he does'nt just text, he sends pictures of himself in the raw.

[redberry]

Benny, my friend is very similar.  I get the impression that being around other people makes him uncomfortable.  I catch this look in his eye like he is very unsure of himself, but NEEDS people to feed on.  He can't be alone.  Texting keeps that connection alive, but is a much safer medium and he can lie to one person over text and another will never know.  Also, I can tell my friend doesn't want me (or anyone else) to see his texts.  Though he is on the phone constantly, He tries to keep the phone screen out of view, places the screen down in the seconds that he's not actually using it, I've seen him delete entire conversations many times... .    Have you ever confronted him about this, Benny?  How do you make this kind of behavior okay with you?

Crash, yes, I agree that a delayed response makes them feel abandoned.  That makes much sense.

[benny2]

Ahh yes I have confronted him about this and it blew up in my face. We were texting one night while I was at work. He started calling me names, and said it was all in fun but I knew he was trying to start something with me. The clincher was when he sent me one of his nasty pictures. He knows I hate that and I knew that the picture had been taken days before because of what he was wearing in it. So I decided that was it, and when I got home I packed some items and told him I was leaving for the night. He asked why, and I replied in a calm manner, "if you want to settle this now, let me see your phone" He went bolistic. Threatened to throw all my stuff out on the lawn and I was moved into the spare room for days. He carried on with his affair and even had a conversation with her right in front of me. He tried telling me he was talking to his daughter but I knew he was'nt. That soft spoken gentle voice he was using was all to familiar to me. He even told her he loved her. Wow. I now know it was he ex. It was carried on the whole time I was there. I did not know about the BPD at the time, but knowing what I know now, that was the wrong way to approach it. You have to be very careful how you do it because he is trying very hard to hide it and so was mine. The fact that you have figured him out could really trigger him. I would maybe go about it in a round about way so that you are not accusing him of it. If your friend knows of this, I would also suggest to her not to come on to strong. The fact is, he is going to continue to lie about it, and once he knows she has figured him out, he will paint her black and put her out of his life, at least until the other one is gone. Its a no win situation. I guess I would tell her if she does not know, and tell her to ask him in a calm manner if there is something going on? And let him know that this is going to hurt her and the relationship. For god sakes tell her not to ask to look at his phone.

[waverider]

Its a bit like throwing stones at people over the the fence. The fence gives you a sense of bravado, you can assume anything you want, pretend anything you want ,and deny anything you want.

You can read between the lines as you wish, and you can accuse others of reading between your lines to deny the truth when it suits.

It is easier to create a false reality electronically than it is in person

Avoiding reality and responsibility.

[Mightyhammers]

Its a bit like throwing stones at people over the the fence.

Perfectly put

[wanttoknowmore]

There is certainly something about pwBPD and texting. My pwBPD always wanted to talk on phone and meet face to face UNTIL the hater phase arrived in our r/s AND suddenly its all texting business. No calls,no meeting.

She would ignore a few texts and then answer once with a confusing ,mixed message. Then when asked, she would come up with a ready excuse such as

"my phone was misplaced... I  had trouble with reception... . I was sleeping.didnot hear the ring and so on. All lies. pwBPD's are pathological,

smooth liars and they think there is nothing wrong with that.

Its also about control... texting is impersonal and they can control what they want to communicate and how much. IMHO texting is a low level communication method. No tone of voice... no facial gestures etc. So its easier to lie with texts.

[benny2]

So true wantoknowmore, reminds me of a text I sent to him recently while we were having a texting conversation. We were talking about the upcoming summer and I asked him if his summer plans included me. No response for quite some time, and then he texted me and said yes and that his phone message did not send right away. Funny how that one text message got lost in the obiss.

[Mightyhammers]

I remember a conversation I was having with my ex via text about nothing in particular, I was writing a big reply which was taking a while – just as I sent it I got another message from her saying ‘OK well I can see you’re ignoring me, I can clearly see what you think of me Ill leave you too it’ ( or something along those lines ), but I just sent you a reply? Well I didn’t get it – she then sent me a screen grab of her messages to justify her not getting the text I sent to her, I mean I gave her the benefit of the doubt at the time but Im pretty sure she just deleted my text then sent me the screengrab, its such ludicrous behaviour

[Whichwayisup]

Yep, my W has been texting compulsively, playing games or checking Facebook for the last few weeks - as I provided the phone contract as a gift, I have access to the records and there are clearly patterns of flow across a range of contacts, lots with a few individuals then moving onto others.  I had suspected it was a means to line up a replacement but I don't think that's the case(yet)- I think it's that now I am the figure of hate, that she can't bear to be alone and is moving from contact to contact in engaging their attention.  I highlighted that it was not a healthy activity as kids are not given attention and have to repeatedly request her gaze; but seemingly to no avail.  I can even work out who's number is who’s from knowing when I go to bed and know she is going to visit others from the records... . scary that I'm even bothering to check TBH.  But I will have to deal with her in the future and it does matter to my insecurity if she has someone else at this stage cos all bets would really be off... .

[Billa]

well, it sounds astonishing to me, 'cause it's the same experience I had with my ex BF (3 weeks of NC today). He always preferred texting to calling, but when it came to problems to discuss, he ONLY wanted to text, even for hours and wouldn't answer the phone. It seems as if he really couldn't talk. If I finally succeeded in convincing him to answer the call, he would remain silent.  At the beginning of our relationship, and for the following three or four months, he would text me every five minutes, then, when he passed to the clinger phase the amount of texting diminished a little, or at least changed the way he was texting, till, when he got to the Hater phase, he quite stopped and was often very unkind to me if I texted him, but also angry if I didn't... . He drove me crazy... .

[Billa]

I remember a conversation I was having with my ex via text about nothing in particular, I was writing a big reply which was taking a while – just as I sent it I got another message from her saying ‘OK well I can see you’re ignoring me, I can clearly see what you think of me Ill leave you too it’ ( or something along those lines )

that's was my experience too... .

[wanttoknowmore]

Billa,

very similar to my situation... . in honeymood phase  lots of phone calls and face to face meetings, In clinger ... less phones and some texting... in hater phase... only texting and lots of angry and hurtful on and off replies.

[Whichwayisup]

Chalk my soon to be exW obsession for texts up to rendezvous setting with the piece on the side... .   I had a feeling it just couldn't be normal... .