Dumped again

[laelle]

LOL, ok... .  I guess my boundaries and intelligent observations have become too much for this relationship to handle.

We were having a nice conversation about the Face Book issue I had mentioned earlier.  He nicely told me that he didnt not feel comfortable doing it because it has caused problems for us before and he did not want problems.

I thanked him for being willing to talk about it and that I understand what he is saying.  I wanted to make sure that I was understood.

I questioned why it is that I must do things that I feel uncomfortable with because he needs it and that it is ok for him to respond to my needs with dumping me or telling me he was putting his foot down about something and no.

He told me that me contributing to keeping a roof over his head could not be compared to him putting me on FB because when we get in England to live he will have to put a roof over my head.  I made one simple statement.  I dont believe you have the intention of us ever living together.

This kinda changes the perspective on everything doesnt it?  Oh well, anyway, I got a 4 page angry kiss off letter about how I need drama all the time and that he bent over backwards to try to make a life for us. (he didnt)  That I am a child... .  He is taking me out of his life forever because I have problems all the time.

This is not about FB, its about everytime I have a problem, he reacts violently to it, and when he has a problem, I have to support and give what he needs.   This is just part of BPD right?  Who said I needed to be allowed problems anyway?

I emailed that he couldnt handle my being insecure about a situation I have every right to be insecure about.  If he had to run then, run.

I have given money every month for over a year for WORDS.  There are no actions unless I do them.  <-----I did not tell him this part.

Why didnt I just keep my mouth shut?  I knew his reaction.  I just didnt feel like stopping the truth from coming out.  I have known for some time that they were only pipe dreams.  I am uncomfortable to keep giving money towards a lie or at the very least a long shot, especially when my needs are always met with yelling and screaming.  It just isnt worth it anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[recoil]

Sometimes the prize isn't worth the price.

Looks like you're getting stronger and no longer willing to accept breadcrumbs when you give the full loaf.

[laelle]

Sometimes the prize isn't worth the price.

Looks like you're getting stronger and no longer willing to accept breadcrumbs when you give the full loaf.

Nicely said.  You worded it well.  I have to make due with his bread crumbs and like it while he keeps asking me for another yummy, buttery slice of my own that I lovingly give to him.  I can never come back from the insults he threw at me.  I am proud that I kept my dignity and didnt sling dirt back.

I think the saddest part of this post is that I will have to go to leaving.  I have learned so much on the staying board.  Its changed me for the better.  :'(  I want to stay around even if I failed.  

[briefcase]

You have not failed, no matter what happens to your relationship.  

The purpose of this board is really not to keep these relationships together at all costs.  It's about our personal growth and development.  Many of us come here so wrecked that we can't think straight about anything, especially our relationships.  This board is about taking back control over your life while you are still with your partner.  Once that happens, members have the strength and perspective to make some clear eyed decisions about the relationship.  Many see progress and continue to stay.  Many others realize the relationship isn't right and choose to leave.

"Success" or "failure" is possible no matter which way this goes - as long as you make that decision from a place of strength and inner peace.  

I already view your story here as a success!      

Many members get strong and choose to leave.  It's a personal choice.  

[coworkerfriend]

 

I agree - you have not failed.  You have learned so much about your self and have helped so many others.

You have so much to be proud of. 

[laelle]

Thank you everyone.  You guys have been so good to me.  

Every 4 months or so we have a fall out like this.  Once its like this, it is very hard to put all the pieces back in the box.  I dont want to go back into the box.  He says its me.  That its me who is sick.  That I always need to fight about something.  He said some horrible things today.  I always sit with my mouth open and and think "wow, and he tells me he loves me with that same mouth?"  I do have issues, I am human.  I would never drop him for questioning me...  I would have validated him and told him how I felt.  I would never have spoken to him the way he spoke to me.  So, Im not so bad I guess.  

[laelle]

Already, im wondering is it me... .    :'(

[yeeter]

Hugs laelle!   

The concept of 'failure' is all about how you look at it.  You have learned, grown, experienced life and are moving forward.

At the same time, choosing to stay could be seen as just as big, or bigger of a failure.  After all, why would you choose to stay in an unhealthy relationship?  (allowing someone to abuse you, take advantage, treat unfairly, etc).

I would suggest you look at the decision as a triumph.  I know it doesnt feel that way emotionally, and I know its a huge loss.  But turning the corner to making good, healthy decisions for your own well being, and taking care of yourself, and valuing yourself as a person to be able to make such a decision, IS a triumph!

[laelle]

I dont like to be alone.  He was always there to keep me company, only nothing tangible ever came out of it.  Like internet buddies with benefits under the disguise of some shared deeper commitment that never surfaced.  Always an excuse or empty promise from him while I did my best to do as a partner should.

[patientandclear]

Laelle, he has managed this to have the maximum amount of intimacy he can handle in a sustained way. Cloaked with a label -- relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend -- that suggests more, or implies more in the future.

It doesn't mean he's holding out on you something he's capable of giving, to you or anyone. But he's got all kinds of space & distance built in to this arrangement, while being able to attain & tap into intimacy when he can/wants to.

You are pressing against the outer barrier of the intimacy ceiling he can tolerate, talking about moving in together, getting access to FB, & more generally, asking him to work through some challenges/problems with you rather than just avoiding them or deferring them.

[Grey Kitty]

  I'm so sorry to hear that he's gone off on you like this again.

 I'm also happy to see you having boundaries.

I expect this was a rhetorical question, right?

I questioned why it is that I must do things that I feel uncomfortable with because he needs it and that it is ok for him to respond to my needs with dumping me or telling me he was putting his foot down about something and no.

Remember it isn't that you "must do things you are uncomfortable with"... .  just that you can't stop him from demanding it again and again.

Just the same... .  as others here have said--failure or success isn't just the status of your relationship--it has a lot to do with being true to yourself as well!

[Rockylove]

 

Ditto all of the things everyone has said.  I have to keep reminding myself of the mental capacity of the BPD... .  infantile!   

I found myself rolling my eyes tonight at my fiance saying "apparently you don't understand" when I asked if he could NOT make it a late night.  I worked all day and then came home and worked at our house until my hands were throbbing.  I've not felt well the past 3 days and he had no consideration of my well being~~stayed up drinking Sunday night and I left at 10pm to spend the night at a friend's so I could get some rest~~but I don't understand.  OK.

It's not you.  YOU ROCK!

[laelle]

Patient - your right, it is the best he can do, and I know that.  He gives me all he has and its why its been so hard to let go.  When you see someone trying arent you suppose to keep supporting them?  Fact is, I need more.  I need to feel loved, I need that intimacy.  I need to feel that my problems and idiosyncrasies matter.  I know that he can never give those things, but he would if he could.  If I didnt have children and the living in two different country thing, I would probably keep trying because I have seen alot of improvement.  I have more important things to focus on in my life, and in the end... .  because it would always come to that.  He wouldnt even appreciate my efforts.

Grey Kitty - Totally rhetorical, but unbeknownst to him.  I told him that I didnt want to try again that I wont let him treat me like that, and that I cant keep starting over.  Chasing my tail may give some form of entertainment, but I probably wont ever catch it.  If I managed to, what would be the reward?  A tail.  I did tell him that I was here if he needed to talk.  It may give him some comfort to know that not all relationships have to end in a smear campaign.  im better than that, and he is worth more to me than that.  He wont take me up on it tho, he is use to throwing things away when they no longer meet his needs.  Its ok, I am proud of me.

Rockylove    I know its tough.  The lack of empathy is really what gets to me most.  Hang in there and take time out for you.  You cant do either of you any good if your walking around like this... .      I think its great that you are able to leave and go get some sleep elsewhere.  That is terrific reinforcement of your boundary, and hats off to him as well for dealing with it on a certain level.  

I am so thankful to this board for helping me to understand my needs and the right for me to have them.  Having grown up in a self sacrificing/ now you owe me background, its been hard to separate that flaw in me from the endless pit of need from him.  I fed off of it just as he did.  I was and have been no better than him in some sense.  

Up until a few years ago I was morbidly obese and I felt I had to hang on to someone by latching on with something other than just who I was as a person.  I would then keep them there with the guilt of what I had done for them.

This obviously hooked me up with the wrong sort of guy.  One who needed to be taken care of.  I was worthless in my own eyes, so the focus was on him and his needs.

I am no longer overweight.  I do not need to sell myself.  I never did.  I am worth loving just as I am.

[trampledfoot]

Iaelle thanks for starting this thread.

I have been through a lot of what you are talking about here. I am a fairly successful person so in my 2.5 year relationship with my ex gf BPD i couldnt come to grips with why i kept failing her and us. No problem that she had was ever worth talking through it was always her way or "fine i dont want this i am done." She was never able to open up her heart and truly give something to me, to compromise, to care about what i thought or felt, or even to lend compassion to me or anyone.  The only thing that matter was how it effected her and I would beat myself up over why I cant just make her happy even at the detriment to myself.  Since I have found this board I have been able to start to come to grips with the idea that "I did not fail."  I have been learning so much about myself since figuring out she was BPD and talking to a T. 

[Rockylove]

I do not need to sell myself.  I never did.  I am worth loving just as I am.

  So very glad to hear you say that!

[laelle]

Thank you Rockylove.  Your pretty awesome yourself. 

[laelle]

I am moving to the leaving board as I think you guys are awesome and I dont want my personal experience to hinder your progress in not making things worse.  I am always here if you need me.  I have the up most admiration for all of you and have really been lucky to have gotten to know some of you.  It also felt really good for my opinions and views to matter as I was missing that in my relationship.

I won me   

[yeeter]

Sending you off with well wishes laelle!



The very best luck going forward, and here is to a bright and happy future for you!

[laelle]

Thank you Yeeter.  I think things are going to be ok.  No one defines who I am but me. Hugs back at you. 

[laelle]

Sorry trampledfoot i didnt see your post earlier. Thank you, you reminded me today of some things that I had experienced myself.  It helped with the feeling of wondering if I am the one who is crazy.

I have had to come back here several times today to keep my bravado about me.  I am already falling into that old trap of is he right.  Is it me?  Is it me that cant commit? I dont think so.  I only need the right conditions to commit to.  I cant go moving off to another country illegally.  I am 42 years old and have 2 young children.  

If it ever came to the point where I did have to make that decision, it would have to be the perfect scenario.  He ignored all this and kept on with his idea of "when I get there"  :)id he really believe that?  Was he even listening to what I was saying?  He always said  "we will sort it" but then nothing.  I was suppose to keep helping to keep a roof over his head and dream of a time when we would live together when I never saw any movement that he was going to put things in place to make it happen?  Would you?

Am I totally off here?  Sorry for the whine, but he spits out half truths and im trying to sift through them.  I know I shouldnt even bother.

[Grey Kitty]

  I wish you peace and healing, laelle!

I don't spend much time on the leaving board, but I wish you well, and know that you will find good support there.

You sound like you are completely "ON" and being true to yourself. You knew your old reasons to keep on trying and stay with him. You know what has changed in yourself. You absolutely know that the crap he is throwing at you isn't the reason to stay, and know better than believing it!

Yes, you sound worried, doubtful, and about to say hello to some pain. Here's something to go forward with:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing,

and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.