Any advice? Feeling hopeless

[optimismandlove]

It is exhausting attending to everybody else's needs.

I am glad I have realised it is okay and healthy to put yourself first,in a healthy selfish way...

I had trouble with this for a long time and now I just say,what the heck, if Im no good for me then I cant be any good for anyone else, especially for my children as a single parent.   Our own needs must be met first.  Valuable lesson.  Especially when we have made everyone else our priority and over achieved in other areas of our life but under achieved in self care.  

I just had my fears realised.   I called out to my partners home and saw gambling ratios and the names of race horses torn up on top of the rubbish bin when I was using it.  He barely conceals  his indiscretions.

Unfortunately when he is on a gambling spree he can also be on an internet porn viewing spree which breaks my heart.

I have sensed something amiss the last few days.  The now familiar pattern of fresh attempts to seduce me with kindness, taking me out to dinner, promises this is going to be a better year.

I am hypervigilant now and am sadly aware that he is working hard to prove his "goodness" again before the inevitable crash that is looming when he doesnt win and lis unable to pay his $200,000 tax bill on May 13.

It is looming large and I hate it.

Whilst I am determined not to help him out I feel like I need to tell him that I know he is gambling and escaping to porn and that I cant be around him while he is partaking in these self destructive behaviours.

Any advice?

I feel it is hopeless as I was sure I had made inroads with my BPD observations I shared with him.

Is he in total denial?  I think so.

Can I make dinner for him knowing he is going home to internet porn and gambling?

No.

Can I say this?

Please help

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[Rockylove]

   Good to hear that you are taking care of yourself!  It certainly makes a huge difference in my own life when I take the time to recharge my batteries and stay on top of my game.  Hats off to you for recognizing that there IS a healthy selfish way!

I have my own philosophy on the porn issue.  I'm well aware that men are visual creatures and "porn" has been around forever in different forms because men are visual creatures.  The internet has just made it faster and easier to access porn and in many more forms (still shots, videos, etc)  No need to leave home and be embarrassed walking into a XXX shop any more and much of what they can look at on the internet is FREE!  Talk about a treat for a kid in a candy shop!

At any rate... .  it gives me a bit of a yucky feeling in my gut knowing that my fiance is downloading pics of these women, but that is my own insecurity.  I'm 53 years old and have had 2 c-sections.  Although I'm slender and fit, I'm still an old woman with greying hair and wrinkles and I can't compare to the 20 year olds that he looks at.  I feel that I somehow have to compete against them which is totally ridiculous and intellectually I know this.  He looks at them, but he has told me that it is only me that he thinks of when we make love and I believe him.  Now it's up to me to get over my insecurity about it.

As for the gambling... .  that's something that I would seriously consider an issue as it could effect both of you if you ever were to live together or marry.  I don't know your circumstances or future plans (from your previous post it sounds like you're wanting out), but I'd be very reluctant to join forces with someone who is intent on self destructing.  I'm fortunate that my fiance is ultra responsible with his money, but I've experienced the fall out from financial destruction with my 2nd husband and it took 10 years for me to recover after our divorce.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

Advice?  Your instincts say to "tell him that I know he is gambling and escaping to porn and that I cant be around him while he is partaking in these self destructive behaviours" are your answer.  Detach.  Your not wrong for following your gut on these issues.  If they go against your sense of ethics than it is wrong for you.  No need to explain anything more than that.  Our hearts sometimes get in the way of our heads making wise choices, but you sound like you are making a wise decision and one that you will ultimately feel personally empowered by.

[briefcase]

Somtimes, things just need to be said.  If you just want to speak your truth to him about these issues, you can use SET.  If you want to ask him to do something about these issues, you can use DEARMAN. 

Big issues like these don't simply disappear.  They need to be brought up and addressed.  Otherwise, they eat away at us.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you so much kind souls

You are right.  It is simple.  I need to tell him what I told you about not being able to be around him while he is partaking in activities that are morally repugnant to me and self damaging to him.    The good old "keep it simple" principle.

Sometimes when we are confused and tired and overwhelmed we get lost in a muddle of thoughts and need others to help clarify them for us.

For that I thank you.

I will now look up SET and DISARM?

Ps. I had a fun afternoon with my sons.  Watched a movie, went out for coffee, my 17yo played guitar for my 9yo, had yummy takeaway noodles with the boys

[real lady]

You are right.  It is simple.  I need to tell him what I told you about not being able to be around him while he is partaking in activities that are morally repugnant to me and self damaging to him.    The good old "keep it simple" principle.

Hi optimismandlove: I have found in speaking to my uBPDso that if I "point out the reasons (his fault) that I don't want to be around him (my boundary), he does NOT "take it" well. He then dysregulates because I have called him "BAD" and he cannot accept that. You may have MORE than "just moral" reasons and that it IS damaging to him. It hurts you. You feel betrayed and rejected. He is doing it to "regulate himself" because he doesn't know how to life an healthy life... .  I am guessing... .  and YOU know how to live life BETTER and HEALTHIER... .  I am convinced with my uBPDso, that he is NOT going to learn what I have or what I know in a few years, he has been gaming ALL HIS LIFE and when he "gave it up to be with me" he was resentful and began the WORST dysregulation. They cling to addictive behavior like a baby clings to a bottle... .  they FEED off of it and don't know any other way to "get nourishment"

If I were in your position, I would make plans with friends for a few nights dinners and let him know that YOU have plans and will be out. He will be on his own for dinner... .  have a nice time, and leave. I have told my uBPDso that I had plans and that he was "on his own" (he "games" for 13 hrs/day now) and I saw him for less than 4 hours yesterday. That included reheating leftover pizza for dinner... .  I bought him caffeine drinks (to replace coffee) and frozen entrees, snacks to pop into the microwave for him to fix for himself when I was gone. I don't apologize. I just let him know when I "will be out" and he will "have to" take care of things (pets, himself) while I am gone.

If he ASKS where did you go, what did you do... .  I would respond "Just out with friends... .  we are both allowed to have friendss and hobbies aren't we? I like seeing my friends and even going out and being alone." Being non committal and NON MANIPULATED, creating a little detachment will HELP YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. If you find that you "feel guilty", then I would suggest that you consider mental health therapy for yourself for codependency, etc. but PLEASE read about RADICAL ACCEPTANCE... .  When I learned the concept that allowed me to ACCEPT HIM as he is, it brought me peace. I admitted to myself that I LOVED A MENTALLY ILL MAN... .  It changed how I responded and initiated conversations, it changed WHAT I shared with him and it also changed how I sustained boundaries without guilt.   

[yeeter]

Hi optimism,

 

You have several of the pieces already - trust yourself!

It is exhausting attending to everybody else's needs.

I am glad I have realised it is okay and healthy to put yourself first,in a healthy selfish way...



I had trouble with this for a long time and now I just say,what the heck, if Im no good for me then I cant be any good for anyone else, especially for my children as a single parent.   

Whilst I am determined not to help him out I feel like I need to tell him that I know he is gambling and escaping to porn and that I cant be around him while he is partaking in these self destructive behaviours.

Briefcase is wise:

Big issues like these don't simply disappear.

Tax bills are all relative but $200,000 sounds significant.  And if your life is intertwined with this person then his legal/financial situation DOES affect you, and your children as well.  (maybe he has a plan to pay for it? - only way to find out is via communication)

SET is great, and useful in the moment when you are discussing something.  When you do bring it up, try to keep your own emotions calm and take time outs if it digresses - and come back when the interaction can be more productive.

These items arent going to go away, and as an issue between the two of you:  The only way 'around' it, is 'through' it.

Your instincts and gut and mind is telling you something.  Be true to yourself.

[optimismandlove]

Thank you real lady and yeeter

Fortunately we do keep separate houses and I do have sole care of two wonderful sons aged 9 and 17. 

On reflection I realise I am becoming a lot like my codependent mother.

I feel this strong sense of outrage at the mistreatment my partner received in his childhood and I see the vulnerable scared child now not knowing how to act or feel to really enjoy life.

I understand the triggers and the comfort the addictions give him.  The desperation to "feed"

I feel like if I abandon him completely that I am "mistreating a child"

I am very nurturing

It is so hard for me to get past this way of thinking.  Is this ingrained codependency?

The guilt would be awful

But what about me and my own children's childhood.

Here and now.

Why sacrifice their right to a carefree childhood while chasing my tail

It is hard work arguing against myself

I see my psych next Thursday

In my gut I think I know where Im going

My biggest fear is him suiciding

We live in a very small town and are both very well known

He has a very high profile job

Two doctors have suicided in the last 5 years

I am going to take my sons out for brunch and have a fun weekend

We are already planning a holiday for the next school break

I will keep myself busy enjoying life because I do know how

I will check in each day

Thanks again

Onwards and through

[optimismandlove]

Hello

I am feeling a lot more grounded.   I hadnt seen my partner for 2 days and he invited me for a drive to the beach.   He has a lot going on at work and I really enjoy talking with him.   I let him steer the conversations and he was making real effort to enjoy the beautiful surroundings and checking out a lovely local camping ground.   He has never camped in his life and must have been giving some thought to how he can experience healthier pastimes.   Good turnaround.     He also made a lot of insightful comments about his best friend who has obvious psychological disturbance but refuses to see it.   I can see he has been doing a lot of pondering and I see that as a good thing.

Its amazing the difference pulling away can make.

There has been little anger from him lately but my disappointment remains that he continues to gamble

That is THE issue for me because the catastrophic losses lead to raging, despondency, despair

Gambling obliterates everything.  Dreams, hope, security

And it is triggered by unmanaged emotions, disordered emotions

I am not spending time at his place


There are seven weeks remaining until the tax deadline

I feel quite detached and in control of my own space

I will let him visit my space respectfully but I will not give my ground

This is a way of protecting myself

I told him today that I'm working through issues  of my own from childhood,  that Im quite sad.

Maybe this  may spark him to do likewise?

[optimismandlove]

Please help

He now accepts he has BPD and is in aterrible state

Just ranting about how   heis going to pay the tax office now that none of us will give him any more money

He now knows I have told his parents many months ago that I suspect he hasan impulsecontrol disorder which he is ableto control at work but not in his home life

Now that he accepts the BPD what can I expect?

He started to talk about getting confidential help yesterday but the panic over the debt took over

Do I just let it play out and be calm when he comes to me

I am not taking any calls from him

Am I right to let him bottom out?

Any advice please