Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 27, 2021, 01:55:10 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Be honest... Do you wish your pwBPD well?  (Read 3247 times)
j4c
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 159


« on: March 22, 2013, 11:01:45 PM »

I've been reading through these boards long enough now to be able to form an opinion that the vast majority of you guys out there are genuinely decent, honest, caring people. And if i may be allowed to have a wee blow on my own trumpet I'd like to include myself in said catagory!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Now don't get me wrong, Its not that I particularly wish any harm on my uexBPDgf, despite all the heartache & depression she caused me, but its like I can't wait for her latest "relationship" to fail!

It really isn't like me to gain any kind of satisfaction from other peoples misfortunes but in this instance I can't help it!

Maybe its just my natural response to someone that hurt me so bad it nearly destroyed me. Perhaps its further validation I'm craving - although I really dont need them to break-up to confirm how mentally ill she is! I guess I just know how its all gonna pan out each time she meets someone new so how could I ever really wish her well in something I know is doomed from the start.

So my answer to the title of this post is that YES i do wish her well, BUT for the good of her 2 daughters, the good of future boyfriends, and the good of herself she needs to stay the hell away from these toxic relationships.

Logged
expos
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2013, 11:30:49 PM »

I am so conflicted on this. 

My last face-to-face meeting with my ex-wife went so poorly (she was brutal, mean, rubbed some stuff in my face) that is just so hard to wish her well.  I tried to wish her well, she just didn't allow it.  I wanted to verbally destroy her and make her feel like garbage, but I kept my cool.

The way they depart a relationship makes it nearly impossible to have any sympathy for them.  Most of my breakups usually have a few weeks of dialog where we try to work things out and even help each other move forward.  If she would have behaved like my other exes, I could always look back and respect her.   

When a BPD leaves, their illness doesn't allow any accountability or sympathy.  This behavior will be repeated again and again as they continue to drift from relationship to relationship.  This is why they have so little friends.  They are so damaged, it's virtually impossible for them to maintain a healthy bond with anyone. 
Logged

just_think
formerly "thinkpensive"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 908



« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2013, 01:02:08 AM »

I very much wish them well, because I know with the things they do, they are going to be in so much more pain than I could ever imagine if it all falls apart.  They'll need all the well-wishing they can get.  I really do hope they find peace one day.
Logged
sad but wiser
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 501



« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2013, 01:07:53 AM »

Oh yes, I wish him well.  Literally.  I wish he were well and whole.

As far as the jealousy thing, it might not be jealousy.  Maybe we look for validation in the ex's inability to maintain relationships - like - it wasn't our fault the relationship got so crazy, etc.  We usually have low self-esteem if we stay in this type of relationship.
Logged
GustheDog
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 348



« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2013, 02:40:03 AM »

Yes, I do.  Because nothing has made me sadder than the pain I've observed in this deeply-troubled woman's face.  So much pain that she must inflict the same upon those who are closest to and care the most about her.

And because the only way for her to do well is for her to get well.  That will require her to face herself, and the things she's done - to me and others - to own it, feel it, atone for it, and work through it.  If she does this, she will have both given herself the gift of potential happiness and me the validation of knowing that she's faced the shame of the abuse to which she's subjected me.

I wish for all of this, but it's almost certainly never going to happen.
Logged
NonBPDSpouse

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 36


« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2013, 05:19:10 AM »

Yes, I do wish her well.

I realize that if she is happy, there is the slight possibility that she may stop holding me responsible for her unhappiness and be able to let me live in peace.

I really don't think that she will find happiness though, as boyfriends are much less tolerant then Husbands(fathers of her children).

My wife is beyond the age of starting a new family so I really don't think anyone will tolerate her behavior as long I did because I only did it because I wouldn't leave our children.

She was always telling me that I was the cause of her unhappiness and I was always looking for proof otherwise.

I would confirm that proof by looking at her relationships with others, but the way she could turn into an angel with others was confusing. After 25 years though, I think people can see through her as they would say thing like  "you take it well".

"you are so easy going"

I think in the beginning, we don't really wish them "bad", but we need validation that they are the Bioches that we think they are and what they did was really "them" and not "us".

What held me together is that over the years is that I always tried to do what I thought was best. I Always checked myself to make sure I was not doing anything vindictive.  I made financial and other decisions based on what I thought was right... .  As best I could anyway  ( I had to compromise on many things to keep from getting thrown out of my own house)

After I realized that she has BPD and the abuse was real and I was not responsible,  I no longer require that validation and wish her well so she will be less dependent on me and I can move on easier. Like I said before though, the reality is, especially if you were together as long as I was that you do feel "responsible" for them as any good husband would.

I really don't think she will be able to function without me, but I hope she finds her way so I can move on.

So yes, I wish her well for the good of us both.

That's why I recommend to any young men / women out there that are in childless relationships with BPD's to end it and move on now.  Before that sense of loyalty and responsibility sets in they should get out and Let the BPD latch onto someone else. 

I don't think these relationships ever end well because you are basically leaving someone with a mental illness and it is not easy to let go.
Logged
mango_flower
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 689


« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2013, 05:23:36 AM »

The more I see how broken she is, the more I just wish she was "fixed"... .  

I do wish her well.  I don't want her to suffer.

Of course, I wish that she wasn't QUITE as happy with her new girl as she ever was with me, and I wish that she could be in a happy place and look back and realized what she threw away... .  

But I still wish her well. When she hurts, I hurt. x
Logged

IfOnlyIKnew

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 48


« Reply #7 on: March 23, 2013, 05:42:21 AM »

The more I see how broken she is, the more I just wish she was "fixed"... .  

I do wish her well.  I don't want her to suffer.

Of course, I wish that she wasn't QUITE as happy with her new girl as she ever was with me, and I wish that she could be in a happy place and look back and realized what she threw away... .  

But I still wish her well. When she hurts, I hurt. x

The same here. I wish her well, and I told her this in my last email.

I feel so much pity for her that she will have to live with this BPD all her life. She is struggling 24/7 and is exhausted. I've also forgiven many things since I know that they were due to her illness, but I can't forget them. We are 3 months out, she is contacting me quite often to try to recycle, but I struggle to stay NC because I have "things" to keep safe here and I was about to trash everything for her. A chance I didn't... .  

But I don't and can't hate her, I just feel so much pity...
Logged
real lady
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together, engaged but had been VERY ROCKY from Nov. 2011 to August 2012...evening out now...I am in counseling!!
Posts: 718



WWW
« Reply #8 on: March 23, 2013, 06:28:36 AM »

I don't even see my uBPDso "trying" to have another relationship. His BPD is so severe that he can play his game 13 hrs/day while I am here and NOT have any real connection to me, how in the world will he want to find time to invest in a relationship with another woman, it won't happen but that is not my problem. No matter HOW MUCH I "wish him well", I remind myself that I am worthy of love and a good and healthy relationship and if it is not meant to be with him, I will go on knowing that I "did my best" and I will feel resolved that I did not leave him in any worse state, quite to the contrary, I made his "life" so much easier for him to withdrawal from the world. I enabled him to withdraw and "do what he wants" instead of accepting my challenge to HEALTH and HAPPINESS. It is his choice and his loss.
Logged
wanttoknowmore
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 360


« Reply #9 on: March 23, 2013, 07:13:08 AM »

I dont know why I am having hardtime hating her after how badly she has treated me and cut off me in last 4 weeks. I have fear that she will get into a r/s with a druggy or a criminal type guy and she might  get in trouble. She has been drowning in self loathing lately and is dysregulated. Only hope is that she has not chosen bad guys in the past, so she might not do such a thing. She just shuts down and rages at me saying "just leave me alone". I still want to protect her and help her ,guide her and hope that I can make her life better by addressing her disorder and getting her to break denial about it. Now, I know clearly what condition she suffers from and have acquired enough knowledge to make atleast some difference in her  life. It's possible  that I have not got hurt enough YET. I get sad,angry and upset when she pushes butin a few days my desire to protect her comes back .
Logged
GlennT
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 897



« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2013, 07:46:11 AM »

Let's put it this way... if I died and went to Hell... I would'nt want her to even be THERE with me because she was hotter! The same applies to Heaven and Purgatory. I don't want to hear her screams as she frys like a piece of bacon for Eternity. But... .  since I believe in reincarnation... .  I wish she'd be reborn as a tree, or plant, or something harmless, that is nice to look at, and useful.
Logged

Always remember what they do:Idealize. Devalue. Discard.
Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.~ Churchill
Leaf
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 123



« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2013, 09:08:28 AM »

I pity my BPD (w/NPD traits)xbf when I see how severy traumatized he is. I was reading 'The betrayal bond' by Carnes and I scored high on trauma bonding, but he would score high on every other trauma reaction on the list, trauma pleasure (risk taking etc.), trauma blocking (binging, excessive sleeping etc.), trauma splitting etc. When I think of that I pity him and wish him well.

But on the other hand his youth trauma (and maybe his genes) turned him into a person with no empathy. He only displays empathy as a part of his facade. Underneath is someone who cares about nothing but himself, who thinks rules don't apply to him, who is manipulative and exploitative. He always has an agenda and if I had known about that agenda I wouldn't have gotten involved with him.

My ex sometimes showed himself rather content with his lying, he said it spices up life. I'm sure it gives him some of the excitement he craves, the 'trauma pleasure'. But he knew very well it was wrong. He also knew very well he was hurting other people like me very badly with his behaviour. But he chose to do it anyway. He thinks he's entitled to do anything to other people.

I don't know, I guess it's a matter of how much he is trying not to do bad things although his traumatized personality points him in that direction. I would have to say my ex is not trying very hard, but he is still trying much harder to be good than let's say a charming serial killer is.

If my ex would have more trouble attracting women, I think he would be able to modify his behaviour. As it is he has endless fresh supply, so when he bumps into reality he only changes women, he sees no need to change course, only to hide some things even better. He once told me he can make women do anything and he's rather proud of that. So trauma made him what he is, but his bad behaviour is also a choice. He knows it's bad, but it makes him feel good, and there are no consequences like prison, so why change it. When I think of that, I wish him a giant concrete wall of reality to run into at high speed.

Logged
mtmc01
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 169


« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2013, 10:20:37 AM »

The short answer is no. I wish for the "super Christian" guy she is apparently starting to see now to leave her and for her to realize that not just anyone is going to put up with her nonsense and instability and be willing to give her the chances I did.
Logged
slimmiller
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 423



« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2013, 10:37:15 AM »

I wish mine well... .  in a deep well that is... .  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Actually I do wish her well in the end but as some pointed out, I have a desire too to see her fall flat on her face with the new relationships (whish she will)  I feel the only way or time that she will get better is by hitting rock bottom. Two ways that will happen the quickest, poverty or pregnancy. In about a year her money from our D will be gone and since she has never held a job for any period of time, she will either need to learn how to do that by then or get her act together and hook up with someone that will finance her (that was me 13 years ago ... .  :'()

I watched two of her sisters go the exact same course she is on over the last ten years. Its not pretty. The ones they hurt on their way down are much better off then they are though.

My conclusion, yes I want her to be well but the only person preventing that is her and it wont happen till she suffers more... .  
Logged
mitti
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up no contact 100% detached
Posts: 1087



« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2013, 11:15:49 AM »

Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish he fails at everything, which is true in part, but all the time I wish his lies about me would come out. If they did he would obviously suffer for it but that is only his own doing. I wish that everybody who have a distorted perception of me although they don't know me would find out what really happened, how he treated me, that his accusations of me is what he did. It's not to hurt him but to have this wrong against me put right. And I wish he lost/rejected this so called friend of his who for the past 2-3 years did his best to come between us and succeeded. Losing him would only be beneficial to my ex anyway. This person is a manipulative NPD without whom he would be so much better of.

And then I would wish him all the best in the world. Not that I think he has much hope though of getting well.
Logged
real lady
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Living together, engaged but had been VERY ROCKY from Nov. 2011 to August 2012...evening out now...I am in counseling!!
Posts: 718



WWW
« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2013, 11:31:10 AM »

Sometimes I wish him well, sometimes I wish he fails at everything, which is true in part, but all the time I wish his lies about me would come out. If they did he would obviously suffer for it but that is only his own doing. ... .  And then I would wish him all the best in the world. Not that I think he has much hope though of getting well.

I agree mitti... .  sometimes I HOPE that he SEES HIS FAILURE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP and CHANGES but then I would wish that he would DO THAT NOW and not later with another woman. I deserve his "good" parts of his personality, etc and I have ended up with having to deal with his mental illness. They ARE responsible for themselves and their behavior. We can all see that they are VERY LIKELY to continue to FAIL at any other relationship as they have with ours. We can "wish them well" but I think that it is "too hopeful" to be likely in their lives.

IF they would BE HEALED, why wouldn't they TRY to seek treatment while WE ARE WITH THEM? If he does not SEEK TREATMENT with me, I don't see him living any differently... .  at all.
Logged
kahnighit

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 24


« Reply #16 on: March 23, 2013, 02:10:26 PM »

I've broken no contact with my exBPDgf twice in roughly the last month.  The first time on the heels of her contacting me the day she got engaged a mere 3 months after the end of our 4 year relationship and I was certain she was doing it to gloat.  That was about a month ago.  The second time 4 days ago when she contacted me to tell me he broke off their engagement.  LOL. 

Both conversations were, as predicted, an exercise in futility. The new element to them was it was the first time I confronted her about her battle with breast cancer that was either faked or she completely ignored all treatment.  First time was complete avoidance of the topic.  Not even denials she just tried to change the topic asap.  2nd time she finally did admit that she has ignored her treatment.  As with all things regarding a BPD; I'm still not sure what to believe.  She has a daughter who's clearly being damaged.  I'm pretty sure that ignoring treatment is up there on reprehensible things to do if you have a young child. So as I reflect upon the information, provided it's true, I am left with: According to statistics she's at a 50% survival chance.  If she waits another 3 years she's down to 20%.  Faced with the possibility that her neglect will remove her from our presence I think to myself, "the world would be a better place and her daughter would probably be better off." 

Now I guess you could say that pretty definitively says I don't wish her well.  I'm not wishing harm upon her either.  I've spent a lot of time contemplating the incredible karmic debt she's racked up but the irony of this situation, again if true, is she's done it to herself.  Really the struggle I'm having at this point is just dealing with me and eliminating "her" from my present.  I don't wish or think anything regarding her except wanting her influence gone from my life.  I'm not at a place yet where I can just pity her.  There's still too much anger.  I'm getting there though.
Logged
ScotisGone74
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 432


« Reply #17 on: March 23, 2013, 02:12:08 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.  
Logged
rogerroger
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 421



« Reply #18 on: March 23, 2013, 03:22:11 PM »

It's funny that I was planning to post something relevant to this.

On the one hand, I do wish her well, especially since we have kids together and the better she does, the better it is for them. Also, why wouldn't I want her to be a good person? The world needs as much goodness as we humans can create.

I heard today from her mom that she was doing quite a bit better and I felt a bit stung by it. I realized that for me the reason is largely that it is much easier for me to accept my decision to get out if she continues to do badly. I can feel that things would not have gotten better and that I really did the best anyone could do.

But if she does well, my confidence is shaken. I wonder if maybe there wasn't some way things could have worked, and that I somehow missed the magic formula.

Of course, I am skeptical as to whether she really is doing as well as her mom says, and even if she is, I am skeptical that any positive changes will last. But the emotional sting still surprised me, and I feel a bit guilty about being more comfortable with her doing badly than well. All told, I would still rather her do well than badly, though.
Logged
gettingoverit
******
Offline Offline

Posts: 755


« Reply #19 on: March 23, 2013, 03:45:37 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.  

That's how I feel pretty much most of the time. Not really worth my time or energy anymore. When I am in one of those moods though (I'm not gonna lie), I hope Karma bites both of them (my ex and ex-friend who betrayed me) in the @ss. Unfortunately Karma tends to take it's sweet time in these matters, so I go back to my previous statement. I wish them nothing, because I don't care anymore. My psycho ex is no longer my problem. I am free.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
Logged
Slowlybutsurely
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 339



« Reply #20 on: March 23, 2013, 05:04:46 PM »

I really don't wish them anything at all.  Whatever happens to them just happens to them, I don't care, I don't want to waste anymore of my time, thoughts, effort, love, or compassion on them when they are not capable of returning any of it.

Me too. She isn't my problem anymore, and I haven't bumped into her for a year. I hope I never bump into her again, or see her, or know anything about her. She consumed my life for years, but I'm over it, finally, and I don't care anymore. Sure, I don't wish her any bad things, just as I don't wish anyone bad things. But I don't waste my time wishing her well or thinking about her much anymore. It feels so good to be free.
Logged
MakeItHappen
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 116


« Reply #21 on: March 23, 2013, 05:11:34 PM »

Wow. I was just saying these exact same words to my friend on the phone as I read your post.

I find myself wanting my exBPD (w/NPD traits) to put the new girlfriend through the same crap that I went through and watch it all fall apart. I realize, these are not the nicest of thoughts but at times, I can't seem to help myself.

I'm also finding myself looking for ways to be validated in that my ex does indeed have BPD (w/NPD traits). Who changes their "Facebook" picture 2-3 times a week?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
Logged

HostNoMore
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 360


« Reply #22 on: March 23, 2013, 05:11:50 PM »

Even when I was fresh out of that hell, I did not wish her any harm.  I remember telling her that I did not hate her and got the mother of all rages for it.

Actually, I really do not care what happens to her.  I've had total NC bliss for a whole year now.  She could be flat run over by a semi-truck or win the lottery and never have to work again.  I really do not care either way and good riddance as far as I am concerned.  

The only ones that I care enough to wish well are myself, my family, my friends, and those who are worthy.  The ex-borderline is in the total detachment neutral zone as far as I am concerned.  I only wish that I never see or hear from her again though I would prefer that nothing bad ever happen to her as being a BPD is its own 24/7/365 internal punishment for what they do to others.

Logged
sad but wiser
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 501



« Reply #23 on: March 24, 2013, 03:39:32 AM »

RR - there is no magic formula.  She might do better with someone else, though.  Someone who won't take her guilt trips and who won't be protective of her.  Then she might do some growing up - maybe.  That still isn't your fault.  A healthy woman would appreciate a man who takes responsibility for his family, just as a healthy man appreciates a woman who does her part in the family.  The word here is partnership.
Logged
expos
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 213


« Reply #24 on: March 24, 2013, 04:24:44 AM »

I go back and forth between indifference and wishing her a lot of pain.  I wish I could get over her.

I am very curious as to what will what will happen to my ex-wife in the next couple of years.  I heard that BPD's get worse with age.  Being that my ex-wife will be 31 this year and desperately wants kids and to be married again (this is her form of validation), I'm wondering who she'll end up with.   I cannot see her waiting very long for Mr. Right, and taking whatever guy seems nice enough to put up with her crap and give her a kid.  Then the idealization ends, her marriage stinks, she hates the amount of work it takes to be a parent... .  you know where this is going.

Let it be known that if she would ever return to me (admittedly, I fantasize and dread this happening... .  I still think about her everyday... .  which is why I'm posting here) I think I'd really be proactive in getting her the right treatment this time around.  I think her therapists are doing a lousy job, and knowing so much about more about BPD makes me almost the more qualified individual to tackle her problems. 

Does anyone else feel this way? I know a lot of us see ourselves as fixers... .  


   
Logged

laelle
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1737


« Reply #25 on: March 24, 2013, 04:49:46 AM »

I can not fix my ex and I dont want to fight windmills anymore.  I did the research, I learned the tools.  I can speak his language.  I just dont want to.

I must cater to all his needs while my needs are met with venom.  Its not a healthy relationship.  I have no kids by this man, and the fact that I did not run after the first 100 recycles says alot about my issues.

Do I wish him well?  Certainly!  I know he did what he did because he was sick, so in that sense I do wish him sincere wellness.  I must bare responsibility for my part in the illusion / delusion.  To blame him for my allowing him to delude my thinking is an illogical statement.

Logged
fromheeltoheal
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642


« Reply #26 on: March 24, 2013, 07:08:14 AM »

I wish she'd be reborn as a tree, or plant, or something harmless, that is nice to look at, and useful.

If mine came back as a plant, it would be poison oak or a Venus fly trap.

But really, I do wish her well.  Specifically, I wish that beautiful girl with the huge heart well, and the only way that will happen is if she gets a lot of help with all of the crap that's on top of it.  It's not her fault her emotions are raw, but it is her responsibility to do something about it.  Or not.  The prognosis is good if she does the work, but I definitely won't be around to see any progress.
Logged
clairedair
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 455



« Reply #27 on: March 24, 2013, 08:10:57 AM »

I heard today from her mom that she was doing quite a bit better and I felt a bit stung by it. I realized that for me the reason is largely that it is much easier for me to accept my decision to get out if she continues to do badly. I can feel that things would not have gotten better and that I really did the best anyone could do.

rogerroger, this conflict is probably quite common.  My exH is with someone else and seems to be very content, is nicer to me, our children are happy he's happy etc.  All this is a good thing, however, I do know that part of me wants the new relationship to fail so I can reassure myself that nothing I could have done would have made a difference.

sometimes I think they are more comfortable in relationships where they aren't being told they are loved; aren't having all needs met.  Our marriage seemed less rollercoaster when I was someone who didn't express feelings very often.  After the first big tidal wave hit, I sought out therapy and became someone much more able to share intimacy.  I think it made things worse - he would like it for a bit then look as if he was panicking every time I said I loved him.

Overall, I'm hoping he is doing well because (a) that's good for the kids (b) I still care enough that I want him not to be in pain (c) his being better is keeping him away from me and giving me a chance to heal

I think we need to wish ourselves well for a change!
Logged
NonBPDSpouse

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 36


« Reply #28 on: March 24, 2013, 08:40:22 AM »

Roger, 

You should understand that even if she does get a little better, it is because you left her, which is the act that forced her to face her demons in the first place.

without you leaving, it wauld still be the same for you.

If she does better with someone else, it could be for several reasons all related to you allowing the relationship to end.

1. The relationship is new ( just like yours was in the beginning)

2. she is trying harder because now she knows that people have boundaries (because you left)

3. The new guy is a total pin cushion and enjoys being manipulated

Either way, you should always understand that you made a thoughtful decision to get out and it was the only way to end the BS. 

Logged
kahnighit

*
Offline Offline

Posts: 24


« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2013, 09:38:15 AM »

Let it be known that if she would ever return to me (admittedly, I fantasize and dread this happening... .  I still think about her everyday... .  which is why I'm posting here) I think I'd really be proactive in getting her the right treatment this time around.  I think her therapists are doing a lousy job, and knowing so much about more about BPD makes me almost the more qualified individual to tackle her problems. 

Does anyone else feel this way? I know a lot of us see ourselves as fixers... .  

I'm not so sure about your headspace here.  I can't fix those who don't want to be fixed.  Really, I can't fix anyone but myself.  Trying to fix others, and I have tried, has only lead to resentment of me.  Justifiably on their part as the act of trying to fix them suggests I think I am better/superior/arrogant.  Her therapists may be doing a lousy job.  The other side of that coin is BPD is traditionally one of the most difficult to diagnose and treat disorders.  The assumption is that in order to fix a maladaptive behavior the person must acknowledge their part in it and take responsibility.  BPDs don't like doing that and they dislike it to such a degree that they create elaborate webs of lies and false realities to protect themselves from it.  We the SO of the BPD have context, history and interactions with family and friends to give perspective and help sort out the truth.  The therapist usually only has the word of the client.

I spent a lot of time in a previous relationship trying to fix and/or trying to force my SO into getting fixed.  It never got us anywhere except distance from each other.  I didn't do it with my latest r/s with a dBPDgf.  She told me what she had.  I, eventually, did my research.  I asked her what she was going to do about it.  She said her T said therapy was optional and so her plan was just to rely on the pills and just bury her head in the sand.  I made my decisions from there. 

Perhaps it seems harsh but, anymore, my mentality is if you're not going to take care of yourself (even put in the most marginal of effort) why should I?  It's not their fault they are the way they are.  But It's not my fault either.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2020 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
40days_in_desert
Ahquei3s
alphabeta
Amethyste
Angie59
ArtistGuy70
AskingWhy
assumezero
At Bay
Avanzando
Baglady
Beneck
bigredneck
Bittlecat
Boll Weevil
calmboom
Cat Familiar
Chosen
Dnmtnbkr
drained1996
Eggshellsbroken
FaintTheGoat
FaithHopeLove
FindingMe2011
Forgiveness
freespirit
GaGrl
ggGreg
Gift to Myself
gotbushels
Harri
hopeandchoices
I Am Redeemed
Imatter33
Jazzy48
jdc
jones54
Jonthan
Katrinalove
Kwamina
l8kgrl
LLgreen
Longterm
lorymac
lovenature
loyalwife
lucidone
Manifest32f
MariannaR
Meridius
Methuen
mgirl
Minttea
Mommydoc
Mutt
narcdaughter2
needPeace
NorseWoman
Notgoneyet
oceanheart
oftentimes
Omega1
once removed
Only Human
otherlife
palynne
PeacefulMom
Pedro
pest947
podsnapG
ProudDad12
pursuingJoy
Radcliff
Raul
Recycle
Resiliant
Rev
Rosheger
Sad4Her
SamwizeGamgee
Sandalwood
SBBayArea
SCM
SerendipityChild
SES
Silverhope
Skip
songbirdtwo
StillStuck
Swimmy55
Teno
townhouse
truthbeknown
turtleengine501
Ventak
vinnie77
Violet00
wavewatcher
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
Whichwayisup
whirlpoollife
Wicker Man
WindofChange
worn_out
WTL
zachira
zaqsert

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!